Rant

I’m genuinely sobbing this is awful and amazing at the same time

Traits of Autism in girls

As observed by Tania Marshall. My older daughter and I fit this well, though it fits her a bit better because I really matched a lot of the original Autism profile based more on how it presents in boys.

A surprising number of people are pissed off by the very fact that anyone makes a distinction between the presentation of Autism in females versus males. But it’s frequently overlooked in girls simply by virtue of how girls are raised or treated in society, or simply due to the fact that they’re girls and are frequently (though not always) hardwired differently (as opposed to my case where I fit a large amount of the original profile).

This is a long list but the gist of it is that girls tend to appear more social due to mirroring others or being encouraged to be more social. Inability to do so is often dismissed as shyness. Diagnosticians I’ve met have used that alone to dismiss a diagnosis of Autism, and I have to assume this is a frequent practice.

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Nd culture is having to say "Sorry but I don't have the energy to care today" when friends bring up heavy topics cuz you used all your spoons on other activities.

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A Kawaii pink version of fallouts please stand by

concept: a room with no communication to the outside world. no one looks for you. you spend the days thinking of things to do, and dabbling in those things, and passing the time in the calm that is finally being free of social obligation.

So what I learned about myself by researching these topics about abuse, collected from experts and therapists who work with complex trauma patients:

Betrayal Trauma is the name of what I went through in my household

Scapegoats are often betrayed by parents and I fit the scapegoat role

Scapegoats are often “truth tellers” and fight the family narrative

Scapegoats can be betrayed by one family member OR they can be betrayed by the whole family in which the family narrative is “we are all okay and right, and you (the scapegoat) is the crazy/wrong one.”

Scapegoats often have DARVO used against them (when the abusers in the family call the scapegoat the abuser, and the real abusers/parents call themselves the victims)

Scapegoat may feel betrayed, rejected, shamed, become a people pleaser, overly forgiving, may avoid relationships and end up isolating yourself from others

Some become dependent on the abusive family as an adult, slow to get ahead in life

Toxic shame is not just feeling ashamed, but YOU ARE shame (not really true, your brain lies to you). You think You Are Shame walking around on 2 legs. (How I feel and doing my research I understand it’s the trauma brain talking but I genuinely believe the lies). “I feel humiliated when I speak in front of others” “I feel humiliated for existing and taking space”

You could have had a fight response, challenge the abusers distorted, twisted view of reality. It causes exhaustion from challenging the family false narrative growing up. You may identify with being the “fighter.”

Family Systems expert Rebecca C. Mandeville explains adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) are impacted by Betrayal Trauma. She also explains the consequences of being rejected, shamed, and blamed by the people who were supposed to love and care for you the most.

Dr. Erin Watson’s article: The Duel Layers of Betrayal Trauma for Survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse.

I hold my loved ones close. I remember the people I’ve wronged and the people who’ve wronged me - I’m fond of their memory now, inexplicably. Outside, a spring storm rages, lightning and thunder crackling across the sky but only a smattering of rain to follow. I turn the lights off in my apartment and watch it with my cat, staring, side by side. A lightning bolt momentarily blinds me, leaving an after image. A white fork in the sky, now tinged a faint purple-grey. I don’t believe I am happy, but I wouldn’t give tonight up for anything.

pens scared me as a kid. a pencil that you cant erase? thats fucked up shit to do to a kid man

Crazy Realistic Statue Piece

Stigmata Tattoo

ppl will say “i hate being seen with you in public because you stand funny and wear your headphones all the time and talk too loud” and then get all defensive when you say thats ableist