Reading Lolita For The First Time And I Think I Remember You Saying It’s A Proto-true Crime Novel.

Good app

My bf is currently worrying about mystery money transfers out of his account into some random other bank account we are not familiar with. It doesn't affect our finances, more so his personal spending. Still concerning.

Why is it that I'm still suddenly a little kid freaking out that someone around me is upset and I have to fix it because the distress of other people is unsafe? Wack

I can provide him emotional and practical support but beyond that it is not my problem to solve. It is not my responsibility to fix.

(he's not asking or even expecting me to fix this problem, he's organising it all. I'm just built traumatised)

One of the worst things about being codependent is having to remind yourself over and over again the inherent healthy separation between Self and Other

i’m burning the candle at ends you’ve never heard of

When my ex-therapist couldn't pull through on something or needed to reschedule I remember being normal about it on the outside but feeling this real anger on the inside. A great sense of indignance towards her. (I've graduated therapy for the time being which is why she's an ex, nothing bad happened. She is great at what she does.)

Now that I think about it, I think it's transference. She's the parental figure and I'm finally being able to safely yell and scream WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU DO THIS SHIT FOR ME!!! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!!! for the first time. I could never vocalise the betrayal of having opportunities sabotaged or denied but I can get real mad at someone in a therapeutic relationship for not responding to an email in time (internally, of course). She's literally a chill ass Polish woman doing her thing and I'm copy pasting my parents over her and chimping out at her in my head. Very liberating to be able to connect the dots in my behaviours like that. I think I will write letters I won't send and use her to air my grievances a little more, see how the inner child and teenager go after that.

anyways thnx Daria for letting me normalise myself a bit more.

The various conflicts happening in recent years have truly demonstrated how susceptible to propaganda and Othering everyone is, it's kinda scary. Your government fucks up and suddenly you and everyone you know is inherently evil and must be killed off. Unironically running with racially profiling nicknames, not letting """oppressors"""" (read, people who happen to be citizens of a Naughty Country) be justifiably worried for their loved ones who suffer the crime of being born somewhere. Automatically assuming that geopolitical positioning means you are your government. A lot of people can never claim to be aware of anything ever again.

do it barron. remember the lotus flower

the kind of people who make it an entire part of their personality that they're "kind" are always the people who do the most heinous abusive shit to you and they can never acknowledge it because to do so would go against their self conception of themselves as ontologically good people. they're always people who have like "be kind <3 just trying to make my way through the world as a little sunflower <3" as their bio or whatever and they're always the same people who will do shit like unperson someone over the most casual interpersonal conflicts. also they are almost always remarkably racist liberals.

figuring out how to get rid of screen addiction is like trying to figure out how to stop a nicotine addiction while also having a job centered around smoking cigarettes and having half your social life be in smoke breaks