Having A Soft Heart Is Not A Shameful Thing. Being Earnest About What You Love Isn’t Either. Sometimes

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allow me to debut the new gay phlag

Things about my dynamic with my friend that I just find very funny:

I'm 4'9 and sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. He's six foot, always dressed all black and his neighbours are scared of him.

Despite this, he's the one who censors swear words when texting, while I use fuck vigorously and with great elan.

He's the hug initiator, which is good because I like hugs but I'm terrible at initiating them. I'm the conversation initiator though.

Him telling me to go the fuck to sleep is basically a ritual by now.

On the last day of the festival where we met I noticed that my phone stopped working, he checked it for me, realized the battery had swollen and basically went "okay we will proceed by staying very calm and CHUCKING THAT THING AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE JESUS"

One time I was trying to balance a whole bunch of stuff at once and he was like "you know I can just carry some of that" so I gave him the kitchen knife and he was like"yep I was hoping for that, I think it's better for everyone's safety if I take that "

He calls me sunshine. It's unimaginably sweet.

We both had night watch duties in a camp and were awake for like 24 hours and the next morning he was basically a zombie and I was so high energy I just jumped straight to showering, doing my make-up and going for a jog.

On the second occasion we met he first commented that I'm a lot shorter than he remembered me and then spontaneously made up a poem consisting of two lines which roughly translates to "you're short, but still a sunshine"

Yikes…..

So true

me going in and out of my room daily

In awtwb, we see Simon take his cues from Baz – he doesn't know how to be in a loving relationship (outside of friendship) and doesn't know how to express romantic love or sexual attraction.

We see Simon slowly learn from Baz, picking up what Baz puts down (making progress in bed when he switches his focus to "pleasing Baz") or identifying the things Baz does for or to him that he likes, and trying to do them for Baz. "I like the way Baz constantly checks on my well-being, you think that could be annoying, but it makes me so happy I wish I always had this..." after reading Baz being Simon's rock, the shoulder Simon leans on for a whole book... we see Simon doing the same thing for Baz in SFC. We see Simon start to use pet names for Baz after Baz has been using them with Simon since they got together, so we can infer that Simon likes when Baz calls him love and darling (and he would, since he insistence on being called Simon and not Snow comes from wanting to feel closer for Baz, since he was used to associating Snow with their distance)... but it doesn't end there. Or rather, it didn't start there...

On their very first meeting, Baz holds back while Simon can't resist the incredible pull he feels towards him. Much can be said about their meeting, about how much it says about the characters and the way they act about their feelings for the other, once they become aware of what those feelings actually are, but I don't want to get sidetracked here. Simon is someone who refuses to process (and so isn't used to analyzing himself or his feelings, or knowing what he wants outside of the very obvious – that being "I want a family, stability, to belong"), who needs something to guide his actions at all times... and so would be used to react to what he thinks other people are putting down. It's a survival instinct.

I think Simon has always been taking his cues from Baz.

When Simon first meets Baz, it's a moment characterized by an irresistible pull, an unbearable pain that can only be soothed by touching Baz. That's how loving Baz feels like for Simon. That's how attraction feels. It's painful to not be able to touch Baz (he will pick fights not just for his attention, but because is the only way he knows how to touch him... note how quickly Simon escalates in his touches in less than 24 hours once the truce begins). And Baz reaction to Simon in that first meeting? He's feeling the same things too, and yet, he restrains himself. While such control can awake certain admiration, his restraint in the face of such intense feelings can also feel like a rejection. Why else wait to hold Simon's hand? Maybe he just doesn't want to touch him at all, maybe he sees Simon as beneath him – which is something Simon could feel and internalize on a subconscious level, even before Baz starts acting in ways that Simon feels like it’s saying that more blatantly (which is part molded behavior and part of a wall – when Simon is like "Baz is the most arrogant person I know" I think Baz was very much exaggerating that shit around Simon, but that's another post)

This sets the tone for their future interactions. I'll never stop saying this because I'm not a bitch easily fooled by unreliable narrators with unprocessed homosexual thirst: Simon has always been following Baz around. It's just the intensity with which he follows him that varies. In one way or another, he always found him interesting and mysterious and enthralling... I also always say Simon is the obvious one between the two of them – he doesn't know, but his behavior betrays him (when Agatha and Penny both figure out in hindsight that Simon's behavior towards Baz has been gay behavior for years... it's them mostly looking back at Simon's behavior, they didn't know Baz like that back then). Baz is way better at hiding himself, and the defenses he employs are thorny. His walls have barbed wires at the top. When Baz looks unimpressed by Simon, but his behavior makes Simon think he's absolutely despised? Simon lashes out – Baz is a(n incredibly fit) creep only capable of making 2 or 3 expressions >:c (yeah, I picture Simon making that face, like he's pouting... because he is! Mr. "I know you're alive because I have been observing your soul" doesn't truly believe this shit). When Baz looks unimpressed by Simon, but his behavior makes Simon think Baz loves and wants him? A turn on, actually. Baz’s resting bitch face makes Simon want to climb him like a tree and suck his face. The difference is in what Simon is picking up from Baz (even if other things also come into play)... that has always been the case, I think. He's not free of impulses (he's full of them, actually) but a lot of his behavior centers on what he thinks (or assumes) (whenever he assumes we have problems) he's getting from Baz.

Awwwwww, my heart....

You're Ok

Prompt: Mark and Ty calming Eth down when he’s really stressed/anxious. Thank you @tythaningalltheway for the prompt!! (Ps I didn’t know if you wanted it to be more shippy or just platonic so I tried to leave it open to interpretation)

Ethan groaned in frustration. All he wanted to do was finish editing this video for his channel so he could start working on some of Mark’s videos. But his computer decided now was the best time to do automatic updates. Ethan wasn’t as pissed as he was worried. He knew he needed to get at least one of Mark’s and one of his own videos done today or else he’ll be behind on editing. Ethan was already not putting out as much content as he thought he should be. Ever since he moved out to LA, his scheduling had been fucked up. He knew the others in the house had tried to make his transition as easy as possible. And it did help some. But it didn’t help that he could only edit when at the office and that Mark made a rule that no one was allowed to edit past 9 pm. Back home, Ethan was use to editing into the early hours of the morning. That was one way how he was able to get two videos out each and every day plus work on a lot of Mark’s content. Now he could only get at least one video uploaded a day and was barely getting through Mark’s videos. Ethan didn’t realize he was hyperventilating until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Ethan jumped as he whipped around, scaring the other person as much as he scared himself.

“Woah there buddy,” A soothing voice said. “I need you to breathe. Can you breathe, Ethan?” It took a minute for Ethan to realize that the voice belonged to Mark. Ethan’s first instinct was to run. He didn’t really know why, but he felt trapped and needed to get away. That was, until big muscular arms engulfed him and scooped him up out of his chair. Ethan looked up to see Tyler’s face looking back at him with concern. Ethan wanted to cower away. “Hey now Ethan.” Tyler said gently. “You’re okay. Breathe.” Ethan was a shaking mess by the time Tyler got him to the couch. Tyler started rubbing circles on his back. Ethan almost didn’t notice Mark placing a blanket around him. Ethan turned his head and looked at him. Mark sighed and wiped his thumb under Ethan’s eye. Ethan was suddenly aware of wetness on his face and realized he must’ve been crying. “Do you need anything, bud?” Mark ask in a soft tone. “Could- could I have some water please?” Ethan asked timidly. “Yeah of course.” Mark smiled. As Mark made his way to their kitchenette, Ethan leaned into Tyler’s side. Tyler instantly started playing with Ethan’s hair. Ethan let out a little hum and closed his eyes. “Feeling any better?” Tyler asked. Ethan nodded. “A bit. Thanks.” “Do you wanna talk about what just happened over there?” “I uh I-” Ethan could feel the anxiety rising back up. Ethan’s eyes darted around frantically before locking eye contact with Mark. Mark seemed to realize what was going on, or at least that Ethan needed help, and quickly came over to the couch. “Here’s your water.“ Mark smiled. Ethan took it gratefully and gulped it down. “Its getting late we should head home soon.“ Mark said, looking at his watch. “Sounds like a good idea to me. Ethan?” Tyler looked at him for a response. “Huh?” Ethan stopped drinking so he could hear. “You ready to go to the house?” “Uh…” Ethan glanced towards his computer. “The videos can wait. Its ok, Ethan.” Mark said. Ethan just nodded before standing up. Ethan can sense both Mark’s and Tyler’s eyes on him the entire time. He kept his head down as he went back to his desk to grab his phone. “You ready?” Tyler placed a hand on Ethan’s shoulder, almost protectively. “Yeah.” Ethan said, slightly leaning into his touch. Tyler smiled as he led them to his car. They piled in. Tyler driving, Mark sitting shotgun, and Ethan in the back looking out the window. Mark and Tyler almost instantly started up a conversation and only a few minutes later, they realized Ethan’s responses had faded out. They looked back to see Ethan curled up asleep in the back seat. “Poor kid.” Mark sighed. Tyler just nodded in agreement. “Should we wake him or?” “Nah, I’ll carry him in.” Mark got out once the car was parked and opened Ethan’s door. Mark carefully slid an arm behind Ethan’s back and an arm under his knees. Mark carried him bridal style through the house, with Tyler opening doors for him until they made it to Ethan’s bedroom. “Alright we should get out and let him sleep.” Tyler said from the doorway. “I’d love to but uh…” “But what?” “He’s not letting go.” Tyler looked over and saw Ethan clinging to Mark’s arm like it was a stuffed animal. Tyler chuckled. “Should we take him to the couch then and watch a couple of movies til he wakes up?” Mark suggested. “Sounds like a plan.” ~time skip~ Ethan woke the next morning to find himself squished between Tyler and Mark. The tv was left on and there was discarded plates and cups on the coffee table, which led Ethan to believe they didn’t fall asleep there on purpose. Ethan pulled the blanket that was draped across him up to his chin before snuggling back down. Ethan had a soft smile on his face as he drifted back to sleep.

troye is a work of art.

just ship it 

That scene where Simon kisses Baz because he’s so happy he put butter on his sandwich – you gotta remember Simon is obsessed with Baz. It’s not something Simon ever lets you forget, but consider this: Simon is not used to be taken care of (he notes as much with “it makes me so happy [that Baz takes care me the way he does] that it make me wish I always had this”) but also, Simon following Baz around all along has been a result of his attraction and his romantic interest.

It’s a way for Simon to try and be part of Baz’s life: “what is he doing? What are the things he likes to do? How does he spent his time? What kind of expression does he make at X and Y situation?… Does he think of me as much as I think of him?”…. That last question is key here, because Baz putting butter on Simon’s sandwich is the answer. It tells Simon Baz has been paying as much attention to him, because he has noticed, without anybody telling him anything, that Simon likes butter on his sandwich. It’s Baz taking care of Simon in a way no one has before, and it’s also Baz showing Simon that he noticed him. He has been noticing him and paying attention, too. (Just like Baz doesn’t know Simon sees him as the love of all his lives, Simon doesn’t know Baz loves him just as much. He’s aware in hindsight that his feelings for Baz when he followed him everywhere was obviously attraction and romantic love, but he doesn’t know, he doesn’t internalize that Baz already felt the same back then – he’s just beginning to understand with “when he hated me but didn’t really hate me, didn’t only hate me” but at the same time he doesn’t know, but gestures such as this communicate a lot to him)