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Kaitlin Sobiesiak
âAs bisexuals we have to create a safe supportive atmosphere in our lives. We have to sometimes ask for it from people we donât know, and yes, demand it from people who love and respect us. How can we feel secure or have self-respect if we are closeted from our friends and allies? How else do we change the stereotypes and the media image? How else do we get the respect we deserve if we are hiding from it? What does our community look like? We are the ones who must define it.â
- Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaâahumanu, Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out
âSadly, there is a certain necessity, a certain self-protection in silence. Statistically, bisexual women are nearly twice as likely to experience domestic violence⌠The trope of heterosexual men asking for three ones with their bisexual partners is an eye roll, an annoyance, but this kind of thinking, this equating bisexuality with complete sexual openness and desire to please men, possibly so they wonât leave you, can be much more serious.â
- Annie Dobson, The Bi-ble: New Testimonials, Further original narratives and essays about bisexuality
âA âconflict modelâ of bisexuality (in research circles, in researchersâ minds) assumes that homosexual interests eradicate heterosexual responsiveness - that they canât exist peacefully side by side. But this isnât true for a significant number of people.â
- Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaâahumanu, Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out
Compulsory Heterosexuality
You mightâve heard the term âcomphetâ on socials lately. Itâs the cute, shortened term for Compulsory Heterosexuality. What is Compulsory Heterosexuality? Adrienne Rich wrote about the concept in her essay âCompulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence,â published in 1980. In the essay, Rich argued that heterosexuality is not natural, but instead an institution imposed on women to keep them subordinate and subservient to men in society. Comphet basically assumes that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation of all people. Rich wrote this essay as a way of challenging the erasure of lesbianism from scholarly and feminist literature, and itâs now making a major resurgence in LGBTQ+ discourse (THANK YOU!).
More and more Queer people are realizing that comphet is actually hella applicable to their sexuality and situation. Many of us didnât grow up with queer representation in the media, and only straight relationships were encouraged and promoted around us. Dolls were for girls, and toy trucks were for boys. âThatâs just the way it is,â still echoes in our brains. Nothing was telling us that it was ok to be queer and nothing gave us permission to act on what we felt inside of us.
A narrative has been constructed in pop culture about bisexuality where it has been looked at as a joke, a âstop on the way to gay-town,â or simply a fake term used for people who canât make up their minds. All of this also plays into the idea of comphet. Bisexual people are told that their attractions arenât real, so many of us default to identifying as straight, then end up eventually (hopefully) coming to terms with our sexuality a bit later in life.
Bi-Imposter Syndrome
A lot of bisexuals face an internal battle because of our attraction to different genders. Itâs like we have Imposter Syndrome, but the bi kind. This is when we doubt ourselves, doubt our attractions, and feel influenced by the messages we hear about bisexuality that are out in the world. When we hear negative messaging about bisexuality, it can really impact how we view ourselves! Even if itâs just a joke or an innocent stereotype (like cuffing our jeans). We can still feel like if we donât do certain things, or act a certain way, that we arenât actually bi.
Having a lack of representation can also make us doubt ourselves and lose trust in what our gut is saying. The media we consume, and the narratives within that content, can impact how we come to accept our sexuality â particularly when the bisexual identity is a joke or ânot real.â Itâs like being gaslighted by the media. Weâre told that weâre just at the pitstop before we âbecome gay,â or weâre just âacting biâ to be shocking. Ugh.
Coming Out
Bisexuals donât always come out. Sometimes it feels like weâre living a life shrouded in mystery. Bisexuals (particularly bisexual men) donât come out to their family or partners because they fear theyâll be ostracized by their loved ones. If this sounds familiar to you, youâre not alone!
A lot of bisexuals in straight-passing relationships are hesitant to come out. (Hiiii!) There can be a sense that youâre not âbi-enoughâ that can harbour hesitation about coming out because youâve never had a partner, or experience, with someone of your gender. Maybe youâve been with your partner of the opposite gender for years and donât want to come out to avoid questions or criticism. Thatâs totally fair! You do whatâs best for YOU!
If you do decide to come out, there are so many ways that you can choose to do it. It can feel like a weight off of your shoulders, but it can also feel like youâre intruding into a space thatâs not totally welcoming to your sexuality.
Biphobia
Biphobia is the belief that bisexuality is lesser than, or not-as-real as, other sexualities. People can view bisexuality as unnatural, a choice, and something to be ashamed of or looked down upon. Itâs often not taken as seriously as other sexuality-based phobias, but biphobia can be just as impactful as homophobia, transphobia, or any other form of discrimination against someone in the LGBTQ+ community.
Studies have shown that bisexual people donât come out to the people in their lives as much as lesbian and gay people do. We can hold a lot of confusion about our identity and sexuality, and there can be a lot of negative messaging around bisexuality that leads to the development of mental health struggles like anxiety, depression, and more.
Internalized Biphobia
Ok, so we talked about feeling bi-imposter syndrome. But now weâre going to talk about something that many of us donât want to confront â internalized bi-phobia. Yes, you can be biased and phobic against yourselfâŚand it feels awful. Like we said, as bisexuals we tend to question our sexuality more than our queer counterparts.
This is particularly prevalent in men. Men donât have a lot of bi-representation, so many are left battling their sexuality from a perspective of legitimacy and acceptance. Are they bi? Are they gay? It seems to be more culturally acceptable for women to be bisexual, so men are sometimes left wondering if itâs even possible for them to be bi. Weâre here to tell you â it is absolutely possible! Itâs also possible for a trans person who defies the gender binary to be bisexual. Itâs all about connecting with a label that feels right for you!
Often as bisexual people are discovering their sexuality, thereâs a growing confusion about the emotions and attractions they feel. This can lead to self-esteem issues, self-hatred and other mental health issues. And these issues arenât helped when the messaging from your family and friends isnât supportive and loving.
From Friends and Family
Many bisexual people choose to keep their sexuality under wraps and never reallyyyy come out. You might tell some trusted people in your life, but many bisexuals arenât known for making an announcement or a coming-out post on the âgram. This is because we donât feel like facing any criticism, scepticism, or backlash from our closest friends and family.
Family and friends often overlook the attraction to people of the same gender and see bisexuality as a curiosity or a choice. Some people experience their family and friends avoiding the topic of their sexuality, or asking about relationships only with people of the opposite gender.
We just wish that our parents would support us and that our friends would accept us with no questions asked. When that doesnât happen, it stings, it hurts â and holy crap does it suuuuck! But we see you and weâll always be here for you! No coming out post needed!
In the LGBTQ Community
Bisexual people search for a welcome space in the queer community but are sometimes met with hostility. Bisexual men are assumed to not be ready to claim the title of being gay, and bi women are looked at as âjust experimenting.â But both men and women are shamed for being in straight-passing relationships. Even though weâre part of the acronym, many bi people still feel like theyâre the invisible âBâ in the LGBTQ+ community.
A study in 2016 found that biphobia persists in all communities. Research has found that bisexual people are marginalized by both heterosexual people and those in the LGBTQ+ community. Oof! Some Queer people see a bi-person in a straight-passing relationship as less queer, and less legitimate, than if they were in a relationship with someone of the same sex.
The Need for BiCons (Bi-Icons) in Pop Culture
There are many stereotypes about bisexual people that are perpetuated by society. We can be seen as sexually promiscuous, rebels against lesbian and gay communities, and attention-seeking dramatics. And bisexuals are often criticized (and then fetishized) by straight men who see bisexual women as an opportunity for a threesome â as though a womanâs bisexuality is actually a way to play into the male gaze.
Bisexual men are judged by society because they are seen as only just beginning their journey to homosexuality. The male bi-identity is so overlooked, forgotten and looked down upon because of the toxic masculinity that is so prevalent in all aspects of our culture. Unfortunately, so many prominent male bisexuals have been categorized as gay â like Freddie Mercury. So, bisexual men donât have many role models in pop culture to look up to for encouragement and direction.
The internal struggle of bisexual people could be made so much easierrrrr if pop culture and media would portray bisexuality in positive and complex ways.
Bisexuality Affirmation
If youâre struggling to accept your bisexuality, youâre not alone. Like we said, so many bisexual people struggle to accept their sexuality because of confusion, cultural messaging, internalized biphobia, and biphobia from other communities.
Accepting Your Bisexuality
If youâre still questioning then think about thisâŚstraight people donât spend all of their time wondering if theyâre straight. They donât worry about how their relationships are perceived. So if youâre worrying about if youâre bi enough, let us be the first to tell you that YOU ARE. Youâre 100% bi-enough. 100% queer enough. And youâre worthy of accepting yourself regardless of your dating history, or what anyone else might tell you.
You are worthy of owning the bisexual label if thatâs what feels right to you. Bisexuality doesnât have to mean that youâre only attracted to two genders either. You can be bi and still attracted to everyone within, and beyond, the gender spectrum. And, bisexuality is not limited to just men or womenâŚyou can be agender, non-binary, gender non-conforming, gender fluid, or any other gender expression! If the label of bisexual feels right, then thatâs what matters most of all.
It can be hard to start owning and accepting your bisexuality. Saying it out loud for the first time can be a bit scary! (And if saying it out loud 10 more times is still a little scary, thatâs ok too.) So take it slow at first. Only do whatâs comfortable for you at this point in time.
Connecting With Others
If you want to go a step further, reach out and talk to other people in the queer community that might be open to acting as a guide as you start down the path of acceptance. And follow other bisexual people on social media! The more bisexuals you follow, the more youâll realize that our stories are all very similar in nature. Reading their stories and seeing their journeys can help you come to accept your own.
If you want to start connecting with other queer people, check out Taimi! Taimi is the worldâs largest online LGBTQ+ platform (with over 10 million users â and millions identifying as bisexual+ spectrum), featuring a social network, dating app and streaming all wrapped in one! Itâs a safe and secure space to look for long-term romance, make friends, network, or just talk to someone for fun! The best part is that theyâre open to everyone regardless of where they identify on the gender and sexuality spectrum. Plus, they post blog articles like this Drag Race review, this list of binge-worthy LGBTQ+ TV shows and this Dark Side of Valentineâs Day post. Taimiâs goal is to create an LGBTQ+ community where diversity, inclusion and love are the core values. Honestly, who wouldnât want to be part of that?!
Learning More
There are also a number of books that you can begin reading to help you learn more about bisexuality and what it might look like for you! Here are some of our favourites:
â Bi America: Myths, Truths, And Struggles Of An Invisible Community by William Burleson
â The Bisexualâs Guide to the Universe: Quips, Tips, And Lists for Those Who Go Both Ways by Nicole Kristal and Mike Szymanski
â Bi Lives: Bisexual Women Tell Their Stories by Kata Orndorff
â Bi Men Coming Out Every Which Way edited by Pete Chvnay and Ron Jackson Suresha
â Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu
Representation
Bisexual representation is becoming more and more prevalent. Apps like TikTok have bisexual content thatâs basically guaranteed to land on the fyp of a questioning bi. For years, the media and entertainment industry has gotten the portrayal of bisexual people reallyyyy wrong. But it seems to be changing for the better!
Itâs important to see ourselves in the characters we see on TV, read about in novels, and hear about in songs. It reminds us (and everyone else) that weâre normal! We exist! It gives us hope and encouragement that one day, we wonât have to defend our sexuality to anyone and that we can work towards acceptance.
We hope that this article was helpful! We know how difficult it can be to fully accept and love your bi-identity.
Your sexuality is valid.
You are worthy.
Youâre deserving of love.