Some Days He Misses The Commander So Much, Death Is Calling His Name, Whispering It In His Head Like

Some days he misses the Commander so much, death is calling his name, whispering it in his head like relief, crawling out of the darkest parts of his brain.

The brain that is left, the one that might've taken too many shocks, too much electricity, too much brainwashing and all that is left is the ruins, the forgotten and decayed city that is left of what was once James Barnes.

People call him all types of things. War hero. Sergeant. An honorable veteran. A staring machine. A friend even. None of those things feel like him.

He rejects it violently and neither Sam, nor his therapist or the wakandans ever even caught a glimpse. Because how could they? They all assume that's what he wants to be, even if right now he does not see himself as any of it.

What they don't know, what haunts him every night, is the Commander' touch on his clammy neck, his rough voice in his ear, sharp tang of blood and sweat and sex, his own screams and moans echoing in his skull and a deep emptiness aching inside of him.

The dreams never stop.

The longing never stops.

Longing.

Ironic isn't it, he thinks with a bitter smile.

He would give anything to be able to be his Commander's Soldier again. To go back to the ease and the clarity and the pain. The painful lust that turns into floating bliss and soft whispers, his reward for being good.

He will never get a reward again. He will never be able to please anyone again, because no one uses him anymore, like he was meant to. His purpose is gone. And so is the man that gave it to him.

The dread and panic spills out of him violently when he heaves over the toilet in the middle of the night.

The Commander is dead. He will not come back for him. He will never be able to be himself again.

It's a life sentence. A sentence he is not sure he can endure, not knowing how long it will be, because he is not human, not anymore. He is what they made him and he is out of time, out of place, out of control.

He fears it will take forever.

And his nights feel endless as he sits with the painful longing, cold sweat on his body, as the ghost of his Commander's voice joins his scrambled thoughts.

Memories.

He sobs.

He doesn't stop until the sun comes up.

Tags

bucky barnes james bucky barnes winter soldier brock rumlow winterbones

horrid morning ideas

Came Back Wrong dark!fic with Izzy getting revived after a month underground

only it's told from Ed's perspective

and you don't know if Izzy actually came back wrong or if Ed is just unable to accept that there's a happy ending here/is trying to convince himself this isn't HIS Izzy so he doesn't have to actually put in the work to properly apologise and make amends/is freaking out because Izzy is starting to critically think about everything Ed did to him and realising that, no, he didn't deserve to be abused like that, and Ed cannot handle the thought that Izzy might CHOOSE to leave him and would be in the right to do so -

I want Ed spiralling deeper and deeper into uncertainty, questioning his own judgement, leaping to wild conclusions, spying on Izzy to try and compile evidence, the works!

And then you have Izzy - who's either slowly coming to terms with the fact that what Ed did to him and the crew was never Izzy's fault, and starting to put distance between him and Ed because he wants to return to his real family, the crew... OR WHO LEGITIMATLY CAME BACK WRONG AND THE TWISTED THING WEARING HIS BODY IS TRYING TO MENTALLY DESTROY ED

But we as the audience don't know and Ed sure as fuck doesn't~

>:D

Tags

izzy hands i would read this steddyhands edizzy stizzy Israel hands blackhands

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extremelygaymorallygrey

7 months ago

Bucky knowing at least 31 languages according to CACW, super serum brain enhancements and the fact he learned Xhosa in Wakanda, leads me to believe he must have the fucking gnarliest of language blurring. You know when you can't seem to figure out how to word something in one language so you skip over to a different one but wait no one knows that...

I also don't think English would be Bucky's default language anymore. It's his birth language, sure, but Russian is probably the language he defaults to now after 80 years right?

So if Bucky's ever delirious for whatever reason, extreme tiredness, magic, super drugs or whatever who knows, do we think he talks in the most insane blend of languages, does he say a sentence in Japanese then switch to Korean and then to Polish, do we think he'd point blank say "I'm sorry I don't speak English" in English to his English speaking friends or teammates because he thinks in Russian and about fifteen other languages before he gets to English, and then goes "oh wait I do" or...?

Tags

bucky barnes steve rogers stucky the winter soldier winter soldier

5K notes View Post

extremelygaymorallygrey

8 months ago