Ferntasie - Snuggle Seductress

Monsoon

Coming up with all these puns is like running a busy funeral home: quite the undertaking!

Why are undertakers always so tired?

Because they’re always taking graveyard shifts!

when i was a kid i thought the jingle cats were real and my favorite band

idea for the next despicable me movie. one of the minions wishes on the monkey's paw "MEENA WANNA BIGGA WEENIE!" and at first he sprouts a four-incher (which is huge for such a little guy) much to his delight but then it keeps growing nonstop and knocks the monkey's paw down the sewer so the gang has to go on an adventure to find it before the whole city is engulfed in stretchy yellow minion dick. and they say the magic words "BIGGA WEENIE BYE-BYE!" and he looks down and realizes he is now cockless and screams and everyone shares a laugh. until one of them picks up the monkey's paw and says "MEENA WANNA BIGGA BOOTY!" and a minion looks at the audience with a here-we-go-again expression and the credits roll.

I unironically really enjoy the opera-rap + tuba sections.

Okay so it’s finals season which means I’ve cracked and need to go on my ramble about one of my favorite pieces of music of all time: The Most Unwanted Song.

The thing about this song isn’t that it’s bad. It’s a special kind of horrific. It’s so bad it crosses the invisible artistic barrier and becomes brilliant. And it was designed for that. 

See back in the 1990s these two artists decided to make a series of paintings (I promise it’s connected). Graphic designers  Vitaly Komar and Alexander Melamid sat down to create the “best” and “worst” paintings based on opinion polls. There’s commentary about public opinion in there, but that’s not the point right now. The point is, they were approached by a gallery owner and asked to make a CD using the same principle. 

So they started polling people. Turns out, the American public, when asked about what they hate in music, has a lot of answers. Winning answers included bagpipes, opera, rap, intellectually stimulating music (hah!), cowboy music, swearing in music, long songs, songs about America, children’s choirs, advertising jingles, and accordions. 

And then they set out to put all those things into one song with the help of Dave Soldier. 

And boy did they succeed. 

In order to make this song work, they couldn’t just have all the individual elements working separately. There wasn’t time for that, and they would have lost a lot of unity. So they went the inventive direction. So that’s why we have a opera-rap soprano singing lyrics with casual profanity about being a cowboy and philosophical discussions. That’s how we get this: 

It’s 22 minutes long. 22 minutes to consider your place in the universe. 

People also hate politics in songs, so at the end someone screams a protest rant through a bullhorn. At one point it sounds like someone is throwing up in the background. 

The best part of this, of course is that it was done by professional musicians. It’s pretty clear that they know what they’re doing and are choosing to do it really really badly. It adds to that flavor of chaos. 

I genuinely believe that everyone should listen to this song at least once. If nothing else, it will be funny. 

she said she was microceleb but when i met her she was fucking normal sized. taller than me even. i brought a cute little bug carrier and everything and now i look like an asshole sitting here with it in my lap in this stupid fucking bar. sick of people lying about who they are online.

"I can be myself when I'm with you" is a top tier compliment

I NEED THIS EGG FOR RODENT REASONS

girls will be like "eek! eek!" and have little ears and little hairless tails