I Can Never Find The Right Words To Tell People What I’m Thinking. Telling Them I’m Tired Doesn’t

everyone keeps telling me that i have to stay alive for them, that killing myself would be selfish because they need me and my departure would cause them great pain.

what about MY pain? what about ME? i’m dying inside, falling apart every single night and shoving back my broken pieces inside my chest every morning, bleeding internally. what about MY pain? why can’t i rest easy? isn’t it selfish for you to ask me to stay knowing how badly i’m hurting?

9/10/20

BoJack, I don’t like..anything about me. None of this is me. What am I supposed to do? I don’t know what to do. Am I doomed? Are you doomed? Are we all d o o m e d?

Quote from BoJack Horseman: Season 2, Episode 2

I’m trying so fucking hard and no one sees that. I’m trying so fucking hard to stay alive but my breathing is getting shallow and my heart is beating slower and if I don’t wake up tomorrow just fucking forget about me.

“little beast” richard siken / “samson” regina spektor / “fatima and manoubia” by alexandre roubtzoff / “break my heart” joy harjo / sappho trans. anne carson / “ginger and olive oil” by moju manuli

A message to you:

You’re pushing me away and I don’t know what to do. I care about you, I always have and I always will. Do you, do you care about me? You say you do, but then you ignore me. “I’m that way with everyone” you say, but there you are laughing, having a thirty minute conversation with another. When I try to talk to you, you barely respond; you brush me off. You’re someone I thought I’d know forever, but there you go slipping away from me. Although I’m fully capable, I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will - because you’ll never tell me. Inseparable one minute, barely talking the next; oh, how the times change. I’d do anything to help you, and I’ve proven that. Once things got better for you, do you leave behind the ones who have helped you in the process? Is that what this is? You should surely be able to clear this up, but you won’t.

I’ve hurt my self to help you. I’ve made sacrifices to be there for you. Is that not enough? Is wanting what’s best for someone 24/7 not enough? I never asked for anything in return but honesty. This is didn’t even get.

So it’s been almost a month since you last texted me first to talk. And I realized that I shouldn’t have to question if you still want to be my friend or not. So our friendship is in your hands. Take care of it or don’t; I don’t care anymore. I love you and I’ll miss you and our close friendship but I’ve learned where I hold myself as a person. And I will never beg for someone’s attention, I will never force a friendship, and I will never keep myself in a toxic one-sided relationship. I’ve made the effort, now it’s your turn. I’ve shown you that I care, prove to me you do too. Nurture our friendship back to good health, if I really mean that much to you like you say.

I care too much about people. People take advantage of this. I get used; my feelings abused. Hopefully you won’t do the same.

There’s a chance you’ll see this but a very strong one you won’t (I assume you don’t pay attention to me as much as I do to you). If you do see this, you’ll know this is about you. I want you to see this, in fact I’ll be happy if you do.

Do what you want; it’s your life. But don’t you ever say I was the one who drifted away from you or that I was never there for you. I was, however you wernt. I still want to be friends, but a friendship can’t work if it’s only one way. At the end of the day, if you wanted to be my friend, you’d be acting like it.

- Your “Friend”

"Don't see yourself as a victim"

Oh, I'm sorry, do you think I was a fucking volunteer?

i dont talk anymore. i dont want to. i have nothing to say. i have nothing to contribute to a conversation. words escape me and i dont care that they do. i can go entire days without muttering a word. i just want to be left alone, now. 

I’m thinking of reasons why I liked you. It’s because I didn’t think bad about myself when I was talking to you, I didn’t have the urge to cut when I felt your touch on my skin, when I saw your smile and heard your laugh I felt like everything was going to be okay. You were the perfect distraction and now I have nothing…

~ via @missblack22