No Words Describe A Mother’s Tears, No Words Can Heal A Broken Heart. A Dream Is Gone, But Then There’s

I don't usually get personal on here, or discuss discourse or anything like it, but I find so hard, as poc to simply enjoy media featuring characters that are also poc without everyone, including fellow poc, and their mother ripping it apart because it's not absolutely perfect. Can't we have fun fantasy, action adventure featuring people of color without having be bogged down by constant themes of racism, slavery, microaggression, historical accuracy, and enjoy media by poc without having to bitch and moan, tear down because it's not equivalent to freaking Shakespeare.

Y'know guys we can have fun with are media too.

- There’s so much water. It looks like a sea. 

- What’d you expect after all that rain? I’ve gotta get out of this place. Someday I’m getting on that train.

SPIRITED AWAY (2001) dir. Hayao Miyazaki

Goliath and Elisa happily reunited.

I never realized when you were human how beautiful you are.

Man, Goliath is a bitch of a character to write.

PREVIEW!

"I'll fly too close to the sun and know that i will burn"

Summary: Goliath promised himself that he'd never get too close to another human ever again. Betrayal had torn his soul, the dead now laid at his wake, wailed in his ear. Never again, he vowed, never again will he trust another human, never again will he call one friend. Then he met Elisa. And despite all his vows and promises, she had wormed her way into his heart, determined to stay there. Determined to stay at his side and he was powerless to stop her.

Perhaps, Demona was right about one thing-he is a fool. He's like Icarus flying far too close to the sun for his own good. He can't count how many times he's been burned and crashed into the sea; over and over again he finds himself at the mercy of her thrashing, unforgiving waves threatening to hurl him into the sharp rocks. 

-To paint her precious aquamarine crimson with his blood. 

-

"Would you change it?"

He thought about it. It's not like he had to. But-

"No," he answers "I know what the humans meant when they gave me my name. But, it's become a part of me, something I cannot change, even if I wanted to. I can't imagine being called anything other than Goliath. It is who I am. Besides it's not as if the name wasn't partially warranted" Elisa looks at him again, longer this time. Her brows knot at the center of her forehead.

"What do you mean?" Goliath briefly curses himself. Of course she'd ask. Of course she noticed. He did not know why he brought it to light to begin with. It was neither the place nor the time, it isn't even something he wished to discuss with her. At least not now. Not here. Not any sooner if he was to be honest with himself.

"I-" words failed him "I was a troubled adolescent back then. I often let my temper get the best of me in the worst possible ways. I wasn't exactly a very nice person during those years" 

She eyed him with doubt "I find that hard to believe"

"People feared me, Elisa."

"I know-"

"And with good reason" he watches her lips fall shut "but that's a story for another time. I don't know why I brought it up to begin with. It's neither here nor now" there's an edge in his voice, he knows damn well Elisa could hear it. If he could kick himself he would. He did a nice job souring the mood between them. This isn't what he wanted or intended.

"I-I see" she moves some hair behind her ear, her teeth brush over her bottom lip. The action brings his attention to them "I-I'm gonna get some punch" 

"Elisa-"

"I'll be back" she waves him off. Her smile is a little force and Goliath is fully aware that he skewered his chance. Shot himself in the foot, screwed himself over by shoving his foot not just in his mouth but down his very throat. He was choking, but did not know how to free himself.

Her back retreated into the crowd, a colorful wash of white and ebony, he wanted nothing more than to chase after her, but saw no good coming out of that.  Instead he ran a hand down his face as he growled at himself. He really is a fool, a damn good one.

-

LISTEN..., listen guys, Tried Mom! Elisa is my new jam..like she'd go to work, with her hair a wreck and infinity of bags under her eyes, listening to the other woman in her precinct talking about the cute things their kids do, like coloring on the walls, trying to eat mud or dirt the usual toddler things, while Elisa has war flashbacks about her half-gargoyle babies eating, or try to eat plaster off the walls.

Goliath and the clan have been teaching them how to hunt, they see this as an opportunity to drop dead rats in her lap. In her slippers, under her bed, in her bed, sometimes while she's taking a nice hot bath after a long day of of work her oldest daughter, Aodh, now six pushes open the bathroom door and-

"Mommy!"

Her eyes are still closed "Yes, honey"

"Look what I got!" Her eyes pop open in horror as her daughter drops a dead pigeon in her bath water.

“Hey, big guy, can you pass me the washcloth? I can’t reach it”

Goliath blinked. Then blinked again, for a brief second, he cannot remember what he was doing or where he was, he was trying to pass the time by reading, but all he seemed to be doing was staring blankly at the pages, absorbing nothing, lost in the realm of his own mind, yet he cannot recall what he was thinking of-if he was musing about anything at all.

“Goliath? Are you okay?”

“Huh? What?” He blinked again, trying to shake himself from his stupor. Placing the book, he was reading down on the bedside table, he reached for the cloth that sat folded next to the lamp, passing it to Elisa “I apologize, I don’t know what came over me,  I was lost in thought”

“About what? Thank you” she took it from him to wipe Aodh’s mouth, from the looks of it she had spit up the milk she was drinking. Elisa gently dabbed her lips clean. The hatchling twitched, whimpering at the foreign sensation, trying to push the cloth away from her face. Elisa did it with as much ease as she could with another baby in the other crook of her arm suckling from her other breast.

“I really do not know-” he paused “I suppose I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular-let me” he confiscated the cloth from her fingers, before she could try and protest, to finish mopping down the child’s chin and throat.

“Ate too much?” he asked.

“No, too fast.” Elisa huffed “I can’t seem to get her to stop doing that “She was exhausted-that much was obvious. Her hair was in need of a decent groom, the edges were frayed, the rest of it was tangled and knotted. The dark circles beneath her eyes seemed more prominent under the dim light of the small lamp beside them. Goliath had grown accustomed to the large size of her belly; it was odd seeing her back to her previous size, not that he’d tell her that, the topic of her gained weight was a touchy subject-not a bridge he wished to cross at any moment. He knew to keep such reflections to himself.

After he cleaned Aodh the best he could-her baby blue clothing stained(there wasn’t much he could do about that), Elisa nudged her into feeding again “Ouch!” her body jerked “not so hard, little guy”

“Are you alright?”

“Huh? Yeah, fine-“ she grimaced a little, shifting awkwardly, the mattress creaked “she keeps trying to take my whole nipple off” saying such, Elisa shifted again, clumsily readjusting said hatchling, coaxing her mouth around her breast, not on the nipple. Aodh did not like that, she fussed, not enjoying being interrupted from her meal “hey, it’s okay” Elisa cooed at her softly “there you go” the whining stopped, as their daughter continued suckling again, her eyes fluttering close.

Elisa sighed “this is a lot harder than I thought it would be, mom used to make it look so easy” she shifts again “then again-guess I was too young to get that, I suppose.”

“Being parents?”

“Breastfeeding, but that too”

Goliath folds and places the soiled fabric aside. They both fell quiet, but it was a comfortable silence surrounded by the warm, homely atmosphere. It was strange, he was unused to the sudden calmness. He had grown accustomed to the entropy of his new life here in the modern world that he almost forgot what peace felt like. Not that his old life wasn’t without its own set of frustrations, but there always seemed to be long stretches of tranquility in between conflicts-or maybe he was just misremembering it, nostalgia blinding him from what was true. He wasn’t sure, to be fair-so much has changed and continues to change that it’s hard to keep up with every little detail. Yet, he can’t seem to shake the paranoia-everything had gone right-aside from a few complications (if he can call it that-more like a major complication, he glanced at Aila), but it was quickly mended. 

But, still, he can’t-

“Ow!-”

His thoughts circled back to the present “Aodh?”

“No,” Elisa bites her lip, her brow pinched down the center “Aila.”  

“Do you want me to take her?”

“No,” she readjusts their second daughter “no, it’s alright” the baby glances up at them with molten, gold eyes. Aila’s not as fussy as her older twin, so Elisa fixes her mouth around her breast without much of a fight.

Elisa shifts in the bed once more, letting her head fall back against the pillow “Good, god I feel like a cow” blowing a stray strand of hair out of her eye.

It’s his turn to grimace “You’re not a cow, Elisa. You look fine”

“Who said it was about my looks-I feel like one with all this damn milk literally guzzling out of me like a freakin’ faucet even when I’m not feeding. If I move just the slightest bit-look out here it comes. If I sit up too fast, elbow myself, my body turns into Niagara Falls minus the water.” She paused, glaring at the ceiling as if he had somehow offended her “and I’m fat, so it doesn’t make me feel better.”

“You are not fat”

“I’m fat. You can’t see it, but I have all this extra flub that might not go away”

“It will.” He took a cautious step forward “even if it doesn’t. What does it matter?”

Elisa doesn’t answer, Goliath not sure whether that’s an ominous sign or not “because it does matter, god, I feel awful, none of those books really prepare you for any of this.” 

“You’re going to be okay”

“My hair is falling out in clumps-like my uterus”

“Your hair will grow back” he wasn’t sure what to say about the latter part “and you’re still healing”

“Yeah,” her expression soured “doesn’t exactly make me feel all that better about wearing an adult diaper. Or going bald ” she muttered the last part to herself, “Fox told me to think of it as wearing a rather large pad-yeah that doesn’t help, it just makes it worse if you ask me. Kind of like imagining everybody naked if you’re nervous, wherever the hell that came from I’ll never know”

Once again Goliath did not understand just what she was referring to-

“No one will fault you for not looking your best.”

“….I guess….”

“Elisa you’ve just not given birth two days ago” as if it needed to be stated, “I think you’re being rather hard on yourself; no one is going to fault you for not looking your best. Not them and certainly not I. I’m concerned more for your health and the health of our children. The rest will come as you recover.”

“So-you do think I’m fat then?” Goliath snapped his mouth shut. He had hoped that would’ve gone away after her pregnancy-apparently not. He wasn’t used to Elisa being-well-the nicest way he could word it was weepy. Everything made her cry, or upset, or discouraged. If she forgot to replace her precious stash of coffee-she cried. Someone left the toilet seat up-she cried. If she burnt something-she’d cry. It was difficult at first, Elisa did not cry so easily-normally-but her pregnancy was hard on her, both physically and emotionally. The books had warned him, he should’ve heeded their advice more closely.

He did his best to try and console her with soothing words, but she’d find some way to poke a hole in it.

“No, I did not say that.”

“But, you’re thinking it.”

“I am not.”

She sniffed, her voice sounded watery “It’s like that time you called me ugly” Oh, dear god; why did she have to bring that up? That night, hauntingly, comes back to him and he can’t help but cringe in embarrassment. Not one of his finest hours.

“I did not call you ugly”

“You implied it-“

“I did no such thing and what exactly did you expect me to say?”

“I don’t know-something other than oh, look an updraf-OW!” Oh, thank the dragon! He did not relish in Elisa’s suffering, but her erratic emotional state made her more confrontational than normal, often leaving him stuck between a rock and a hard place, as they say, with no way out.

“Are you alright? He concealed his relief with concern, hoping she wouldn’t catch on. Elisa nodded, hissing through her teeth, gently nudging Aila off her breast with her finger, so her mouth wasn’t latched solely onto the nipple.

“god, by the time this is over I’m gonna have either chafed nipples or none at all if they keep using me as their personal chew toy.”

He lets his shoulders relax, chuckling softy.

She glares at him “I’m glad my pain amuses you”

“At least they don’t have teeth.”

“Y’know how about I hand them over and let them chew on your nips for a while and see how you like it”

He knew a threat when he heard one “I’ll pass”

“Ah-huh” she hummed, Aodh squirmed, unlatching herself from her mother’s breast then burped, spitting up once more in the process. Goliath passed the small towel back to Elisa “all finished” she asked softly, as she dabbed her chin.

…….

Aodh yawned before glancing up to look at Elisa.

……

Her face goes blank, she puts the towel down to tap the baby’s nose with her finger.

".......they'll make it-right….?" She doesn't look at him when the words leave her lips. The fear is tangible in her voice, it's edgy as if she doesn't want to sound too hopeful. Goliath just wants to reach out and smooth the frown from her lips, to tell her that everything will be okay.

But…… he's afraid too. Fears that the same thing will happen again and that he'll be powerless to do anything about it. For all his strength, not even he can prevent death. He's not that arrogant. Time is like a river- just like death it is inevitable and unites them all in the end. 

 "They've made it this far. They’re healthy as far as anyone can tell" he eyes the twins barely aware of the world around them. Such a blissful, innocuous ignorance. But even that will fade as they grow into their own. 

"…..So was….nia...she was healthy….until she wasn’t…." it was said carefully. Quietly. Goliath felt an uncomfortable weight sit in his stomach. 

"I know…."

He wanted to say, at least they survived the womb, while Nia didn't. His daughter died before she could ever live. 

No first breath, just silent death. 

A morbid part of him argued that-at least it was quick and quiet, she didn't suffer. She didn't die in agony. It was sad, cruel, almost, but-

"I keep waking up thinking all of this is a perfect dream. Then it hits me, and I know that it's not-" she holds them closer "but, it's so damn terrifying, waiting for every bad thing to happen at once" 

He watched her swallow, already smelling salt.

"Y'know" her voice wavered. Goliath prepared himself for the onslaught of tears. Or an extreme outburst of emotions that Elisa was prone to make these days.

He touches her face with his knuckles, gently brushing them over soft skin "I know" 

"Sorry….." she sniffed, wiping the faint traces of tears away from her eye with the lift of her shoulder "I must be insufferable with my emotions going batshit every second" using his thumb he wiped the rest of her tears from her cheeks, marveling at the small freckles that danced across her face, ear to ear, they had emerged at the second month of her pregnancy-he wonders if they’re permanent or if they will eventually fade with time.

"Not at all.” He pushed some choppy hair over her ear “but, maybe it won’t assuage your worries, yet-“ he pauses for a moment “perhaps, we should take everything one day at a time. We cannot predict the future and we cannot truly alter the past; all we can do is live in the present and do what we can" Her brown eyes were still watery, but she didn't seem as distraught "whatever happens, we'll face it together as we always have" he lifted her chin to kiss the top of her head.

Aila hiccupped. They pulled away as their second daughter followed her elder sister’s lead and sip up all over herself.

{}

"Milk"

Summary: Milk is a symbol of fertility, once thought of as the food of the gods and a nurturer, the lifeblood and lifeline that connects mother to child. And child to mother.

Warnings!: References to Miscarriage/Stillbirth/Unplanned Pregnancy/References to Birth

Chapter One: The First Nights

Canon-Divergence/Canon-Complaint/Post-Canon/Non-linear Narrative

Reality is stranger than fiction, they say, and he was inclined to agree. Life was indeed filled with one oddity after another.

He remembers a story from his youth.

A story, that was ancient he was told, passed from the old to young about a Clan Leader of their own who had taken a human as a mate.

They had a child-who they called, the meaning of an end in the old language. Someone who should never have been-

An abomination-

The child was cursed. And because of it, she cursed the land. Cursed her clan that lamented her existence, cursed the humans who condemned her, and cursed her parents who had birthed her into a world that knew only hate and fear.

They called her- Hillevi.

Goliath never took the story seriously; he knew the ploy by then. The line drawn in the sand, humans stayed on one side and they stayed on the other, they were never supposed to cross it.

Well, he had never been one for superstitions.

{}

Rewatching Gargoyles

Snuggle by *Snufflin