Helecthra - Just Some Fanfics And Their Chronically-tired Mum

Me, in a creative slump (that I can't even call writer's block because I AM writing, I just don't think what I am writing really fits into my series without sounding repetitive/superabundant).

Also me, panicking because the first anniversary of "Robin's Blues" is fast approaching and I would really like to publish something in that date.

Anyways, how would you all feel if, before a confrontation of sorts between Dixie, Bruce and Talia, I talked a bit more about what happened just after Dixie's death? Specifically focusing on Bruce, Talia and Damian?

As I wrote some posts ago, the Bonus instalment of Robin's Blues will have more than one ending, one with Roy (obv) and one with Wally.

What I would like to ask you all, is if you'd like a third ending too?

Apparently people who don't have executive dysfunction think that actually working on something is the hardest part of doing something. And that's why they get mad that you call the rest of the project "easy" after you've finally worked through doing the plan and know what to do when you're working.

So when you're through with the epiphany of how to make it physically possible to make the thing you're making, and you're sharing the plan with excitement, because the hard part is over, and now you only have to get your hands moving and do it, they get mad at you like

"it's not that easy! It's a lot of hard work! >:C"

they mean it, because

to them, working is the hardest part.

They don't have to fight their brains to get started. They don't have to fight their way through making the choices, making the plan, making yourself make the thing. People who don't suffer from executive dysfunction think that the hardest part is actually doing the thing.

Im just feeling a certain way rn

Letter to my father

I hate the 15th of may.

I had my first cycle on the 15th of may.

It was at your home, not at mom's.

I panicked.

I knew what was happening, and yet I cried anyways.

You didn't say a thing.

Not that it was normal.

Not that it was growing up.

You just rubbed my back and left me some pads while you went heating an hot water bag.

When I came out of the bathroom you were there, ankward, handling me the bag and some painkillers.

You said you didn't know if I would need them.

I felt like a little kid crying in your arms that afternoon.

Like I felt at three years old when you would holst me up your shoulders and the whole world felt so far away (when I KNEW you would be there, and that you would never let me fall).

You were more kid than what I ever managed to be.

It wasn't always a good thing.

It wasn't always a good thing, but you had a levity of living I always lacked.

I never knew how to be a child.

I was always too cerebral, too strange.

But then you would pick me up from school on windy days, a kite in one hand, and I managed to be a kid, too.

Someone once wrote that grief was like walking up the stairs to your bedroom, in the dark, and finding a step missing.

It's not wrong, per se.

Sometimes I find myself wanting to call you, before remembering that your phone sits in one of my drawers, battery dead, and that no-one, least of all you, will ever pick it up again.

I hate the 15th of may.

I hated it at ten and now I hate it still.

But maybe hate too, is just another word for absence.

Maybe hate too, is just another way of saying “I miss you”.

the worst thing that could possibly happen to ao3 is it being put on the app store so please stop asking for it because you don't understand what would happen if that went through. ao3's whole deal is it archives EVERYTHING, while the apple app store's whole deal is keeping everything clean and safe. so if ao3 were to have an app all of the 'bad' stuff, including nsfw in general, would have to be censored at best or would be purged at worse. the google play store is more lax but who fucking knows what GOOGLE would police if they got their hands on the archive. do not ask for an app. do not use third party apps. it's on mobile browser functioning perfectly, just fucking use that before you ruin everything for everyone please.

fanon really built up "Cass is Bruce's favorite child" and meanwhile I'm sitting over here with a whole stack of panels in a folder labeled "Dick is Canonically Bruce's Favorite Child" adsfghjkl

Writing the fanfic of my own fanfic with music on shuffle and accidentally hearing the perfect song for the mess Dixie is in that story is a preciously heartbreaking thing.

Anyways The Crane Wives might have a stronger chokehold on me than what I previously tought.

P.s. the song was "Allies or Enemies"

https://archiveofourown.org/series/4163446

https://archiveofourown.org/series/4830169

In my works I often delve into themes such as pregnancies, abortions and parenting and Idk who needs to ear this, but I woke up with the visceral NEED to say a couple of things about it all:

I was born in an extremely religious country in which, strangely enough, abortion was legalised fairly early on. This doesn't actually mean it's easy to access to it, because of society's views on it, that trickle down on gynaecologists as well. About 70% of gynaecologists in my country consider themselves conscientious objectors, which means it is basically impossible to access voluntary interruption of pregnancy, except if the woman's life is at risk (or if you pay a shit ton of money in a private clinic, money that, often enough, one doesn't have). This (sadly) doesn't mean we receive any kind of sex Ed in schools (no, not even the crappy kind often showed in films) or any real help/guarantees for new parents, so basically you just have to pray that the condom won't break, because it's near impossible to actually have an abortion and you have almost zero support if you actually decide to keep an unplanned baby. That said my country is now also trying to make those laws even more restrictives (ex banning abortive pills, prediliging the hiring of doctors, nurses and anestheticians who are C.O.etc.), hiding the way our governement tries to rule over women's bodies behind our rapidly decreasing fertility rate.

One summer, while I was still in high school, me and my friends had to drive for over ten hours to reach the only region of my country where the objectors rate it's lower than 15% because one of my friends couldn't wait two months for the only gynaecologist who performed it in our area.

I was the only other girl in my friend group and, at my friend's request, I stayed with her the whole time. It was a traumatic experience, even not being the one having to undergo the procedure. Half of the nurses treated her like dirt and one of the counsellors (that are hired to help women or, more in general, people with a female reproductive system, in this kind of situations) started ranting about hell and damnation, while gripping my friend's wrist so hard it bruised. I literally had to pry the woman away from my friend and to throw her out, and I only managed to do so when I threatened to press charges.

While I always knew on an abstract level that in other countries, countries extremely close to my own, having access to abortion (or even to a morning after pill) was easy, easier than in my home country and decisely less frowned upon, it was all just news for me and I never really paid it much attention.

Then I left my country and studied abroad for a while and, during this time period, I met my partner. A couple of years later I discovered I was pregnant and I panicked. I was scared shitless because while I love kids, I hadn't planned on having one back then (or even now, to be honest). Even then I thought about it. If I decided to keep the baby I would have had actual support from the institutions, both economical and time-wise so my choice was actually mine and mine alone, not influenced by a frightening lack of resources.

I decided not to continue the pregnancy. I went to the clinic with my boyfriend and the procedure was quick, painless and nobody tried to make me rethink anything by guilt-tripping me with tales of eternal damnation.

I never felt any kind of guilt about it while living there. Nobody was forcing down my troath pro-life Ads or picketing the clinic when I went to do a check up specifically meant for people who had had a "traditional" abortion.

Even now, when I think about a traumatizing abortion, I don't think about mine, but my friend's.

Even now, when I see my nephews or my little cousines faces I don't ever regret having walked into that clinic.

Even then, the tinge of guilt in me resurfaces, sometimes, now that I live in my home country. A tinge of guilt I can't really explain, because I was lucky enough to be raised in a pro-choice familial enviroment. A tinge of guilt I shouldn't feel, because it was my choice (as it should always be) and I don't regret it.

What I am trying to say is that, even if you don't know it there IS a right way to do things and we should all fight to make them available to the largest number of people we can.

Religious guilt is never gonna be the answer.

My country tried to make it as such.

Now our fertility rate is at an all-time low from which I don't think we will ever recover and there are whole generations of women literaly terryfied of falling pregnant, because they do they are gonna lose their jobs and everything they worked for in their lives, without the possibility of actually making a choice on their bodies.

Religious guilt is never gonna be the answer, the possibility of chosing in authonomy for your body and for your future is.

When I get a nice AO3 comment or Tumblr reblog I have to force myself not to say "I LOVE YOU PLEASE MARRY ME CAN WE BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU" and instead say "thanks"