I Mean, It's Not That Many Insecurities Right?

god I could be so wealthy if I had no ethics. that's so fucking frustrating. I'm living paycheck to paycheck because I'm not grifting vulnerable idiots on TikTok. I feel like I have the ability to very easily scam people. I could make a killing with AI. but god. I have morals and ethics and so I get to be poor as shit. I hate this fucking world

meow! (with rizz)

elf yuri except one of them is high fantasy and the other is one of santa's

I think I’m just a little too autistic for most people

Like I’m definitely a low support needs autistic person in the sense that I can navigate reality on my own, understand complicated things more or less fully: all to say, I’m not intellectually challenged (not say I’m some genius lol).

But I’m weird. When masking, I speak and write in a very formal, stilted, clear manner. I make every effort to be understood, or at least hopefully not misinterpreted. The only times that I come across as emotionally present are either when I’m very heavily masking and doing emotional regulation for someone else, or if I’m not masking at all because I’m comfortable around someone. They’re very different kinds of emotionally expressive though.

The problem is, I still do the stilted speech thing even when not masking if I’m trying to say something difficult or make sure I’m being coherent. And the thing is, I am fully cognizant that my mannerisms are off-putting. Sure people might tell me they don’t mind, but I’m not stupid - I can tell if they’re lying, even if it takes me some time to notice.

But I’m not just weird in my mannerisms. I have very niche, even cringe interests (I am held hostage by Sonic the Hedgehog and I won’t shut up about Deep Space Nine). I really suck at small talk, and love listening to people I care about talk about whatever they’re passionate about. I think that can breed a sense that I don’t contribute the same amount to conversation, even if cognitively I’m fully present. I’m quick to get attached to people I find comfortable around, especially because that’s so rare for me. And the quickness is probably what prospective friends find the most off-putting.

It feels like the only other person that will understand me is just someone who’s a carbon copy of myself. And I’ve yet to find her. Hell, I’m not even entirely confident we’d get along.

But I guess I have to hold out hope there’s at least one person that will get me. Because if there isn’t, what’s even the point? Why am I living in loneliness if not for the shred of hope that it’ll eventually end?

It just hurts to be abandoned again. And again. And again.

And it’s getting harder and harder to be strong/brave enough to even give people a shot.

happy world frog day from camille 🌺💗

Happy TDOV!~ 🎉

like I already understood sensory issues in the overstimulation sense (too many noises, migraines making everything too loud/too bright, etc.) but I recently (re)discovered a tactile sensory issue of mine: watches. what an absolute sensory nightmare