Gratitude List 1;

“Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye.”

— Helen Keller

crystal

I’m home right now, first time in three nights. Jenn wanted Jessie and I to stay at Pat’s there with her but I knew it was time to come home. It was nice to be able to talk to my sister. I hate that I have to be afraid here. If I would do what I was told though, there would be no trouble. I just got so sleepy suddenly. I’m starting to make progress. Watching the clock, waiting for your clean hour to come is the worst part. It’s scary having to wonder how bad the night will be when your doing things the way I am. Nodding, goodnight.

“I don’t think any of us can speak frankly about pain until we are no longer enduring it.”

— Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

“My life is unmanageable and I’d like to share it with you.”

— David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

sponsor

So, I got a new sponsor. Her instructions were clear. She wants me to call her everyday for thirty days. She also wants me to write her a letter stating what I expect to get out of sponsorship. I’ve thought about it and all I can seem to come up with is what I’ve heard in the rooms. I hope to have someone who has more sense/wisdom than me to come to with issues in my life. I hope to become more aware of myself and who I am. I hope to become more comfortable with myself. I hope to learn to help others the way I’ve been helped. I hope to stay clean. I hope to grow. That all sounds good, right? What else? I don’t know.

ketchup

I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve been to busy being a wild child, apparently.  I’ve been flying, having a few drinks, and sniffling.  I say that as discretely as I can just incase my tumblr begins to get visitors. 

I recently discovered I do not need to take more than two shots of vodka.  I threw up once after three, and I threw up so many times I can’t count when I took four.  I had so much fun but I’m not all that sure it was worth all the getting sick.  I had my first drunken video taken of me Saturday.  I didn’t even remebmer it.  I just heard about it.  It was pretty funny.  I kept apologizing for getting so wasted, saying I promise I didn’t mean for it to get this far.  Then I fell back words, sat back up and said, “let’s get laid!"  It was really funny.  I didn’t like being so confused and sick in the morning.  And I had plans of revenge that night but I got to wasted to carry them out.  Luckily I am pretty sure now that I will have another few chances. 

I could pay attention in this class but to be honest I really don’t think it would help me.  Reading the chapter myself is much more sufficient.  This teacher is about 75 years old and admitted that he’s only teaching again to see if he can do it.  It’s becominf obvious that his retirement, God bless him,

But come to think of it I do need to study for my next class, bye.

lost dreams awakened

I gave blood Tuesday. I’m not telling you because I want to boast about being charitable. I’m telling you this because I was never supposed to be permitted to give blood. Being diagnosed with hepatitis c meant no sharing nail files, no EMT license, and certainly no giving blood. Now that I am cured, I can do all those things. When I was thirteen I wrote a bucket list. Giving blood was on that list. I can now cross it out because my God does phenomenal things in my life. We do recover.

“Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.”

— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Absence makes my heart forget.

Out of sight, out of mind. 

I am getting bored though.  It’s time to spice things up a bit. 

He acts like I have him under some kind of spell.  Perhaps, it’s because I let him believe he has one over me.  But, he doesn’t have anything on me.  I not fourteen anymore.  I can stand my own ground.  The way he touches my face makes me think he wishes things were different.  It’s an on going chase.  I let him get close, then sprint ahead.  I don’t know why I’ve let it go on this long.  I’ll get around to ending it at some point I’m sure.

I want to move out.  I don’t like lying to my parents, but I want to do what I want, ya dig?  Yeah. 

He’s extremely hard to read.  For a day or so I was thinking he could be gay.  But oh no, he is most definitely not.

Well, I smell like fried rice.

“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

— Zora Neale Hurston (via clash-official)