Envy

hey, hey little razor blade.

Meet me behind the curtain at six.  I’ll be anxiously awaiting your arrival.

Why me?

changes

Everything is changing. I have a new job. I’m a server at a restaurant called The Aquarium. So far, I love it. I’m making double the amount of money I was making at El Chico and we’re in slow season so it’ll only get better. The tables all surround this 200,000 gallon tank full of sharks, eels, sting rays, and numerous other animals. It’s strange, though. When I started at El Chico my entire focus was on staying clean. Every day was a struggle. I remember telling myself constantly, “Just don’t use today, maybe tomorrow will be different.” Now, I’m a bit more emotionally secure so staying clean daily isn’t as much as a struggle. Therefore, starting a new job I have found new struggles. None of these strangers are going to be impressed by how long I’ve stayed clean. They don’t care that I pay my bills on time. They’re not surpised that I attend my siblings birthday parties. These are all normal things, that normal people do every day. So what do I have to offer then? I’m no genius, I’m no beauty queen, and I’m certainly no athlete. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I’m just finding it hard to start conversations and make friends. I’ve only been there two weeks, so I’m sure it’ll get better. I just worry, often. Next, I start school on Tuesday. I know I am capable of doing well, I just wonder how hard that is going to be exactly. No pills, no sleeping with professors. Just me, honestly trying my best to do this right. It’s just an odd concept that I’m having to adapt to. Honesty, for one. Being a responsible member of society, etc. I’ll be fine. I just need to pray more and think less. Now, my relationship is still going wonderful, I think. He is struggling right now. His work is stressing him out as well as the mother of his son. It’s just an odd feeling. While things are changing for me, I’m at the best I’ve been emotionally. I’m aware of my issues and taking steps to fix them. For once, I’m finding myself telling him that everything is going to be all right. For the first 18 months of our relationship it’s been the other way around. I’m willing to provide him with the same support he’s given me all this time but I’m just not sure if I’ll be any good at it. I love what we have and I’m willing to work at it, I just hope I don’t make it worse. I’m on my 6th step. I was fully aware of all my character defects a few months ago, but now that I’m living right they don’t seem so obvious anymore. So, I’m wondering what are they and how do I find them? It’s date night, so that’s all for now.

sponsor

So, I got a new sponsor. Her instructions were clear. She wants me to call her everyday for thirty days. She also wants me to write her a letter stating what I expect to get out of sponsorship. I’ve thought about it and all I can seem to come up with is what I’ve heard in the rooms. I hope to have someone who has more sense/wisdom than me to come to with issues in my life. I hope to become more aware of myself and who I am. I hope to become more comfortable with myself. I hope to learn to help others the way I’ve been helped. I hope to stay clean. I hope to grow. That all sounds good, right? What else? I don’t know.

alright, hey

Since my brother and his girlfriend have been using my computer, the internet has gotten significantly slower.  That is frustrating, but what can you do.  I’ll say something to them, and have dad look at it but apparently, they “need” it.  Though I do remember a time or two coming into their room while they were watching a movie on it.

I haven’t been able to write lately.  My life seems to be busy with work, school, church, and “friends”. I suppose I could squeeze some writing time in but my room is so uncomfortable to do hardly anything in.  I’m in the process of redoing it though so perhaps that should help.

Apparently, the word “suppose” is sexy.  In what sentences I wonder?  I’m not all that sure.  But that’s what he says.  He says I have so many odd tendencies.  He says even silent I am hyper.  He sees the things I struggle with through observation.  I’m not all that sure I’ve ever been friends with someone who cared enough to notice these things about me.  He hasn’t heard anything about me so his opinion he forms of me will be completely his.  Not like where I live.  There everyone has an idea in their head about who I am before I meet them.  Which is not good because who I am is so much different then what I do.  What I do alone makes me sound like I am a completely different person.  What I do makes me sound selfish, mean, ruthless, wreckless, slutty, and lord knows what else.  But who I am deep down is different to some extent.  I care.  I hurt.  I need.  I want.  But when it comes down to it, ‘you can sin or spend the whole night alone’.  What ends up happening is just the price I have to pay for company.  It’s pathetic really but for now that’s what I do.  I mean they won’t let me cut, so it’s back to boys.  Theres also a huge difference between who I am, who I need to be, and who I pretend to be.  During the day, usually, I am persistantly who I need to be.  I need to be strong, and take care of everyone. Who I am, is a simple, sad innocent little girl who just wants to be happy.  And who I pretend to be is coldhearted, wreckless, and carelss.  That makes three differnt me’s.  He says that’s too exhausting.  He says the way to fix it is to start over fresh.  Get everyone who is negatively effecting me out of my life.  That’s not very possible right now.  I probably should have moved to a further college to get out.  I don’t want to leave my parents because I don’t know how long I’ll have them.  And all the adults tell me the smartest thing to do is to live at home as long as possible.  Sometimes, even if what they’re saying is true, it’s incredibly hard to listen to people be so mean to eachother.  The night I decide I’m going to stay in bed happens to be the night brother and his girlfriend fight in the hall by my room.  He said she was a bitch and he wanted one of her xanax.  She said he’s a junkie and she hates him.  He said "yeahh, why don’t you go buy some more pills from your mom?  And she said, “why don’t you go snort another pill."  Then they went to seperate ends of the house.  Minutes later, I heard him crush it and snort it in the kitchen.  I try not to listen to them but sometime I feel like I have to just incase something bad happens.  Lauren got him a pistol.  That scares mom, but he threatened to tell dad mine and her secret if she told dad about the gun.  She gets so upset over that.  Before work she was texting me over and over telling me about how I never should have told him, and how she’s so upset, how it makes her sick, I told her I would handle it.  And I will.  I only told him because we were having a brother sister moment and I was trying to get him to consider stopping the way he’s living his life.  Obviously it did no good.  Just another way I’ve messed things up in my life as well as others.  I can fail before I even try. 

What do you want from me?

Cracker Barrel is nice.  I like jobs that keep you busy, and working with people who aren’t sixteen.  I do better in a structured environment. 

I think my parents did a fine job raising me.  Some say, they were too protective and some say I didn’t get in trouble enough.  Oh, whatever.  Live and learn. 

fuck

The text I was in the process of posting just deleted somehow.  If this is any indication of how the rest of my day is going play out, I’m going back to bed.  Which is funny because I couldn’t if I wanted to considering every morning I work I’m stranded in Madison until the bus comes. I might as well go to work, at least when I’m there I get paid for being miserable. Heaven help me.

“As far as I could see, life demanded skills I didn’t have.”

— Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

“If I have learned anything in this long life of mine, it is this: in love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are.”

— Kristin Hannah, The Nightingale

wordsnquotes

“Whenever I’m with other people, part of me shrinks a little. Only when I am alone can I fully enjoy my own company.”

— Alan Bradley, A Red Herring Without Mustard

“Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.”

— A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh