Maggieruthless-blog - Maggie Ruth

“I had a weird, empty feeling inside me. Not a bad sort of empty. It was a sort of lack of sensation, like being in pain for a long time and then suddenly realizing that you’re not anymore.”

— Maggie Stiefvater, Linger (via wordsnquotes)

get out

I don’t like to shake. I don’t know why I always do.  Maybe it’s my heart or my asthma.  Either way I’d like to fix it.

It’s sad he got kicked out, but it makes me understand why I haven’t heard from him.  Mom was sweet offering our couch to him.  He’s got a lot going on inside.  He tries to hide it, but I see it.

Whyyy don’t you text me?

I didn’t expect you to reply, but it was nice talking to you.

God interviens right at the perfect time, which is good but not very much fun for little wild children.

I still don’t get you.  I know that I could get you talking if I really wanted to, but one, I don’t want to do things the way I used to; I like it happenstance, that way, it’s not my fault; and two, if I am too bold, it’s a temptation for him to revert to his insticntive boyish way, which is not what I need right now.  So, I’ll let him to the talking.  It makes things really slow but it’s me being somewhat careful.  So, we’ll see.

I need to stop looking at your pictures.  They can be infectious.

I want to, but I don’t feel like explaining myself, and they will see it.

Old friend, maybe I’ll give oneee more try.

I wonder if I’m strong enough to continue these friendships.  I don’t believe she’s changed.  I think she’d maybe think twice about doing it again but that wouldn’t be enough to stop her.  At first, going back was absolutely unthinkable.  The thought of it was sickening.  Then, I gave it a try.  It was still really hard but I bit my lip swallowed my pride and did it.  It was easier on everyone.  So for a little while, I just tried my very best to forget it ever happened.  That worked for about two months.  But it’s back again.  It gets worse everyday.  Sometimes such hatred boils beneath my skin that I never want to see her or anyone that reminds me of her ever again.  Which may not sound like a big deal but it is, to me at least.  He was wrong as well, but I have to remember he was single and half way convinced we wouldn’t get back together.  It was wrong for him to go after a friend of mine, but she threw herself at him.  But, how could they?  I laid sick in bed for months and they had a hay day faking love because I wasn’t around to give it.  After everything I've done for them, after everything we’ve been through.  I’m a pretty shady person, but I would never, ever, do that to anyone.  This has changed me.  It’s made me crazy.  My outlook on what’s “okay” and what’s not is twisted.  I feel that no matter what I do it will not add up to what they do.  Therefore, ruthless wrecklessness is as good as innocence to me.  I lie, because it them who took my truth and used it against me.  When I’m alone I convince myself that payback will make me feel better.  Maybe one day it will but so far that hasn’t worked.  And what’s wild is that they still have the nerve to speak to eachother in front of me.  God knows what they do when they have a few minutes alone, though I do my best to make sure that never happens.  After what they did to me, they are still comfortable speaking?  They should be ashamed.  They should feel awful for even glancing in eachother direction.  Anyway, my point is the way I live life now, I will never be able to escape them.  And I’m beginning to wonder how much longer I can stand this.  It’s madness.  It’s making me mad.  And the only solutions would drastically change everything I’ve ever known.  I hate you.

Maybe, everything is okay and I’m just thinking too much.  Trying to find a problem so that I can runaway again.  One of the songs he wrote a while ago said, “you runaway like you’ve got nothing to lose”.  I know that his last name makes me lucky to be associated with him in some places and he’s crazy talented but am I better than this?  Am I better than the way I’ve been treated by him and his family?  Part of me says I deserve less and wants no one.  The other part is convince I need something else.  Someone else.  He doesn’t hear me.  He doesn’t take me seriously.  He makes fun of the things I love, writing, my music, etc.  He thinks I owe him so much, and maybe I do but he’s such a pusher.  I’m not stupid.  But then theres how cute he is, how smart he is, just the way he is, I love it.  We’ve fought so hard for this, why throw it all away?  He swears to love me, and I swear the same but I just want to know what’s right, what’s best.

I wish I could move out without offending my parents.  I’m beginning to think I need it.

I’m beginning to have trouble breathing again.

Hi, TSU.

Tennessee State University.  Hi.  So far, you are friendly but not exactly welcoming.  I’m alone but for now it’s okay because I’m not sad today.  I don’t live here so to me the campus is huge and every step I take I feel like the campus swallows me a bit more.  My guess is, by the end of the week I’ll be okay.  I’ll know where my classes are better and know how to get here correctly.  I’m having second thoughts about not living on campus.  I mean look at me, I’m stuck is this big education portal with nothing to do and nowhere to go for an hour; and after my next class, I’ll be stuck doing nothing for another hour.  I wonder if I can still live on campus.  Or maybe, rent an appartment on campus or close, like they do at MTSU.  I know it will really hurt my parents but, I need to do what I need to do for my education right? Sometimes dad and I talk about what’s important.  He says he wishes he spent less time trying to make money for us and more time spending time with us.  So am I going to regret living in a dorm, or on my own rather becauyse of the lost time with my family?  Or am I going to regret not doing it because it’s so much harder on my for school?  I wish I could just stay the night down here two nights a week; Monday night and Tuesday night.  Maybe I’ll meet a friend that will let me stay with them some.  Like perhaps before exams or something.  I feel like I could make friends, but, Idk if anyone here is feeling me or not. It’s freaking hot.  Idk what to do.  To be real with myself, honestly I’m 99.9% I’ll be staying at home.  I suppose the drive is not that bad.  Maybe I’m just jealous of the college life everyone else is experiencing.  Or maybe, I’m just moody because I have a headache.  I hope it’s that one.  I’m going to try to redo my room.  Maybe that will make me feel like this whole thing is a new experience.

Better late than never, for memory’s sake. The most beautiful bouquet I’ve ever received. I am so grateful for my boyfriend, family, and friends. I am so blessed.

(Purple tulips for my favorite color and roses to keep it classic. I loved them!)

“I don’t think any of us can speak frankly about pain until we are no longer enduring it.”

— Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

more on unconsciousness;

I am so fucking pissed.

How could he?  How could anyone be okay with that?

I hate you.  Everything about you screams scumbag.  I wonder how many girls you’ve drugged. And every one at Heritage thinks you’re just the sweetest little male cheerleader with your poor cracked skull.  Oh, give me a break.  You probably only cracked your skull because you stole my medicine.  You are a pathetic excuse of a gentleman.  How could any girl in their right mind even use your name and that word in the same sentence.  I will figure out someway to make you regret this.  I remember the day I asked you what you did that night because I was hurting so much when I woke up next to you.  You replied, “Oh, don’t worry about it sweetheart, you’ll be fine.”

I’ve gone from rage, to hysteric tears.  I HATE YOU.

“There is always something left to love.”

— Lorraine Hansberry, A Raisin in the Sun

“Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.”

— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre (via wordsnquotes)

*others

precipitation

It’s 1:41 am and it’s raining outside. No one will ever know what the sound of rain drops hitting the ground means to me, but I’ll try to explain. When I was on heroin, I drove a beat up Toyota with no drivers side window. Every morning I’d wake up hoping it was dry outside. Regardless of the weather, rain, sleet, or snow, I’d still have to drive downtown to cop. Otherwise, I’d be miserably dope sick, unable to get out of bed. Back then, I didn’t watch the news because regardless of what that weather man said, I still had to go out and drive in it. Today, however, is different. Today I can watch the news, see that a storm is coming and plan ahead. Today I have a choice as to whether or not I drive in the current conditions. Hearing the rain tap the asfalt over and over again reminds me that I have a choice. It reminds me that I don’t ever have to use again. It reminds me that I made bad choices, but I’m not a bad person. It reminds me to help overs in this journey of recovery. It reminds me I lived through many things I shouldn’t have. It reminds me that I’m a miracle. It reminds me that we do recover.

rinse, repeat

Reading over last nights entry I am reminded of how familiar some if it sounds. I’ve always been known to write about a guy in my life. I’ve always been known to have a guy in my life. How ignorant I must sound to anyone who has paid any attention. Either way my feelings haven’t changed for the man currently in my life. He has taken the time to nurse me back to health, if you will. Telling me to lift my head up when I walk, that it’s okay to look people in the eyes, and reminding me that I do have opinions and it’s okay if they don’t run parallel to his or anyone else’s. He knows more about me than anyone, thus far. He tells me it wasn’t my fault, that no meant no and I don’t need to ask forgiveness for something that wasn’t my fault. He tells me when I’m wrong and when I’m right. He is my advocate and I plan to be his if I’m ever positioned to be. This is all too mushy, I’m just saying I know I sound naive, but I’m happy with him. See, I told you everything would be better in the morning.