One Rut Or Another

“Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.”

— William C. Hannan

alright, hey

Since my brother and his girlfriend have been using my computer, the internet has gotten significantly slower.  That is frustrating, but what can you do.  I’ll say something to them, and have dad look at it but apparently, they “need” it.  Though I do remember a time or two coming into their room while they were watching a movie on it.

I haven’t been able to write lately.  My life seems to be busy with work, school, church, and “friends”. I suppose I could squeeze some writing time in but my room is so uncomfortable to do hardly anything in.  I’m in the process of redoing it though so perhaps that should help.

Apparently, the word “suppose” is sexy.  In what sentences I wonder?  I’m not all that sure.  But that’s what he says.  He says I have so many odd tendencies.  He says even silent I am hyper.  He sees the things I struggle with through observation.  I’m not all that sure I’ve ever been friends with someone who cared enough to notice these things about me.  He hasn’t heard anything about me so his opinion he forms of me will be completely his.  Not like where I live.  There everyone has an idea in their head about who I am before I meet them.  Which is not good because who I am is so much different then what I do.  What I do alone makes me sound like I am a completely different person.  What I do makes me sound selfish, mean, ruthless, wreckless, slutty, and lord knows what else.  But who I am deep down is different to some extent.  I care.  I hurt.  I need.  I want.  But when it comes down to it, ‘you can sin or spend the whole night alone’.  What ends up happening is just the price I have to pay for company.  It’s pathetic really but for now that’s what I do.  I mean they won’t let me cut, so it’s back to boys.  Theres also a huge difference between who I am, who I need to be, and who I pretend to be.  During the day, usually, I am persistantly who I need to be.  I need to be strong, and take care of everyone. Who I am, is a simple, sad innocent little girl who just wants to be happy.  And who I pretend to be is coldhearted, wreckless, and carelss.  That makes three differnt me’s.  He says that’s too exhausting.  He says the way to fix it is to start over fresh.  Get everyone who is negatively effecting me out of my life.  That’s not very possible right now.  I probably should have moved to a further college to get out.  I don’t want to leave my parents because I don’t know how long I’ll have them.  And all the adults tell me the smartest thing to do is to live at home as long as possible.  Sometimes, even if what they’re saying is true, it’s incredibly hard to listen to people be so mean to eachother.  The night I decide I’m going to stay in bed happens to be the night brother and his girlfriend fight in the hall by my room.  He said she was a bitch and he wanted one of her xanax.  She said he’s a junkie and she hates him.  He said "yeahh, why don’t you go buy some more pills from your mom?  And she said, “why don’t you go snort another pill."  Then they went to seperate ends of the house.  Minutes later, I heard him crush it and snort it in the kitchen.  I try not to listen to them but sometime I feel like I have to just incase something bad happens.  Lauren got him a pistol.  That scares mom, but he threatened to tell dad mine and her secret if she told dad about the gun.  She gets so upset over that.  Before work she was texting me over and over telling me about how I never should have told him, and how she’s so upset, how it makes her sick, I told her I would handle it.  And I will.  I only told him because we were having a brother sister moment and I was trying to get him to consider stopping the way he’s living his life.  Obviously it did no good.  Just another way I’ve messed things up in my life as well as others.  I can fail before I even try. 

What do you want from me?

Cracker Barrel is nice.  I like jobs that keep you busy, and working with people who aren’t sixteen.  I do better in a structured environment. 

I think my parents did a fine job raising me.  Some say, they were too protective and some say I didn’t get in trouble enough.  Oh, whatever.  Live and learn. 

“Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night.”

— Sarah Kay (via wordsnquotes)

This one time, I wore eye liner..

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”

— Jane Austen, Jane Austen’s Letters

ketchup

I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve been to busy being a wild child, apparently.  I’ve been flying, having a few drinks, and sniffling.  I say that as discretely as I can just incase my tumblr begins to get visitors. 

I recently discovered I do not need to take more than two shots of vodka.  I threw up once after three, and I threw up so many times I can’t count when I took four.  I had so much fun but I’m not all that sure it was worth all the getting sick.  I had my first drunken video taken of me Saturday.  I didn’t even remebmer it.  I just heard about it.  It was pretty funny.  I kept apologizing for getting so wasted, saying I promise I didn’t mean for it to get this far.  Then I fell back words, sat back up and said, “let’s get laid!"  It was really funny.  I didn’t like being so confused and sick in the morning.  And I had plans of revenge that night but I got to wasted to carry them out.  Luckily I am pretty sure now that I will have another few chances. 

I could pay attention in this class but to be honest I really don’t think it would help me.  Reading the chapter myself is much more sufficient.  This teacher is about 75 years old and admitted that he’s only teaching again to see if he can do it.  It’s becominf obvious that his retirement, God bless him,

But come to think of it I do need to study for my next class, bye.

I had myself a very minor surgery. They prescribed me some very mild pain killers. I feel them in my face and chest. It all reminds me of how happy I am today. So happy, that the minor debauchery felt behind my eyes is nothing more than a nuisance. I’m so grateful go be alive.

nineteen, again and counting, again

Things are okay today, almost. Everyday has it’s enemies. Sitting, waiting for the opportunity to take everything you’ve worked for, whatever that may be. More or less, it doesn’t matter because you worked for it. The miracle of this new lifestyle is I can choose not to play in the shadows with my enemies. I’ve been testing this new theory that if you come out of your room every once in a while, you meet new people. I’ve been trying not to be so shy. I find myself feeling stupid more often than not but, I also find myself laughing more than I have in a long time. Maybe, just maybe, it’s worth the trade off. I know if nothing else I need to learn to be comfortable with who I am and what I say, how I feel and how I look. I need to learn what is appropriate to be said as well, though. Doped up anything you say or do feels like flying so much so that you don’t give shit about those below you. All of a sudden, I care what people think, how I make people feel, what’s right, and what’s wrong. The beginning of this journey, you know “to recovery”, is going to hurt like hell, if I do it right. I have to let go and trust that through the pain I’ll unleash working the steps will come true serenity. I want peace, for the first time in my life. I want to be okay with being alone while at the same time being sure that’s not the only thing I do. Having fun with people in recovery but still keeping in mind that the 13th step will always be in the rooms. It doesn’t matter how sweet he’s talking, how great of a listener he is, or how many secrets he tells you. He’s still a candidate, whether he knows it or not. And of course that doesn’t mean they’re all like that. It just means its best to keep your shirt on, at least until, well actually I don’t know. I just have to be careful, at all costs. I need to focus on me. I need to attend more meetings. I need a job! And I need to let go of the resentment I’ve gained against the directors here. Whether or not it’s right doesn’t matter because they’re only trying to help me stay clean. And clearly, I can’t do that very successfully on my own. My boyfriend, or lack there of, is becoming more and more complicated. He wants sex and hell, so do I but I am in a halfway house! I say that so many time I could type it in my sleep. It’s like he forgets and all of a sudden thinks I’m refusing to see him. There is a side of it that is my fault. It takes me a little while to warm up to him when we hang out. I’m not sure why, mostly because I’m completely sober, but also perhaps it’s because I am far from comfortable with my body. He mentioned the other night hoe much better I look than I did when I was strung out, under weight, and so fucking lifeless looking. I have a hard time accepting that I might look better then than I do now but I’m trying to work on myself physically/mentally while remaining content with who I am at the same time. Regardless, I love him so much. And I’ll let you know if that ever changes. He got me this beautiful necklace for Valentine’s Day. We’re going to be okay. That’s it, for now.

wordsnquotes

You guys, I now get paid to be a mermaid. I’m not allowed to post about it until our public debut in Jan, but considering only a few of my followers know me personally, I figured this was a safe place to let some of my excitement out. Stranger: “What do you do for a living?” Me: “I’m a mother fucking mermaid, man.”