I Had Myself A Very Minor Surgery. They Prescribed Me Some Very Mild Pain Killers. I Feel Them In My

MTA 26

I just hopped the bus on Gallatin pike to get to work.  I will get downtown only catch the 12 bus to Nolensville road.  One positive to catching the bus is you get hit on every time you catch a bus.  Some guy just gave me his card with his phone number and room number at the hotel he’s staying at. The old me would’ve jumped at the opportunity not because I was attracted to him but because I’d take him for every dime he had and more than likely succeed.  Today, I need money but not that back and for that I am grateful. I got to hang out with Jess last might. And for those 2 hours everything disappeared.  I didn’t have a care in the world other than not wanting our time together to end but all things must come to and end. I’m just so happy I got to spend that time with him.  He’s my rock whether I like it or not. My boss wants to fire Crissy, my friend that got me the job.  It makes me feel good but also guilty because she’d lose her job and I’d keep mine. That’s all I have to say right now. Eleven days, of course.

cure

There is now a cure for hepatitis c and I am going to get it! Not treatment, but the cure! It is 99% effective. I am so blessed. The scaring that has already occurred to my liver is irreversible BUT as long as a do everything I’m told, medically speaking, it won’t get any worse. If I decide I want to, I can now have children without having to worry about making them sick, etc. I can’t express my gratitude to my God for what he is doing in my life. I love you.

“Don’t be afraid to let life wash over you. When you run from pain, you run from an opportunity to grow. Embrace life as being in a constant state of flux, and do not separate yourself from any part of it. You are only robbing yourself.”

—

Elliott Hulse | @themotivationjournals

via addicted2success

six

I’ve found that although it’s the truth that burns sliding from your tongue to your lips, it is often the only way you can really breathe again. I would rather be told the truth and work past it than be fed lies and spend years building on such a faulty foundation. Often times though, I can feel it in the way they say it that I know something isn’t right but I try not to get confrontational without any sound evidence. And even then sometimes I’m too much of a coward to bring up the lie because the truth is usually hidden for a reason. I know that it’s time that changes. I know that if nothing else the lies aren’t right. I can’t say if anything else is wrong or right in our relationship but I do know lying doesn’t really have many exceptions. I’m really sick of staying up waiting for hin to call, wondering what it is he’s still doing at 1:30 am that he can’t pull away to tell me he loves me and he’s okay. It hurts so much to admit these things to you because that means I have to admit I’ve always known something was wrong. I don’t know how he does it but when he finally does call me anything that comes out of his mouth sounds like music. His excuses suddenly make more sense than my rationality.  At least I can say I get off the phone feeling better even if it is just a false sense of emotional security. I met with my sponsor today. She’s so beautiful. She’s from north Ireland and her accent is beautiful. She’s smart too, of course. She’s an alcoholic but enjoyed cocaine in large quantities as well. I do my very best to relate to what she says but alcohol was never really my problem. It might have shown me that I can feel alive with a little help.  But sometimes I feel like alcoholics never to go to the great lengths I did to get their drug of choice. However I’ve run out of excuses to keep living so I became willing to do whatever it takes to feel better. My sister graduated tonight. She was really self conscious about it because she’s a student of 2013 but her tassle said 2014. She was grumpy all day. All the attention should have been on her but there are three of us and you can’t put too much pressure on parents for handling things the right way.  She will learn that. She will learn, a lot. Hopefully not too much, and not the way I had to learn. I pray she can learn from the mistakes of my brother and I who have done this all before. I feel confident in saying she doesn’t have the addict gene and I can only pray she stays on the right medication and continues to improve. Phases, the halfway house I relapsed in called me tonight. The house manager, Julia, said that some if the girls had been petitioning her about me coming back. She said that she thought about it and she wants me to come back. I’m not sure how I feel about it.  I was going to go to Foot Prints. You can still have your phone the first 30 days until 6 and guys can pick you up and drop you off or anything you want really. I had grown to love the women at Phases, though. It’s all a shot storm of catch 22s’.  Heaven help me.

I got to see my baby tonight!! Oh and my boyfriend, Jess, was there too, heh.  He’s officially put up with my bullshit for two years, today. Shit has been really rough these past couple months and it’s not going to get any easier for at least another three months but today I am grateful to have him in my life. It’s really comforting to know that although I have to wake up alone for now, I can rest assured that my best friend/lover is rolling over thinking of me too.  I love you, baby.

changes

Everything is changing. I have a new job. I’m a server at a restaurant called The Aquarium. So far, I love it. I’m making double the amount of money I was making at El Chico and we’re in slow season so it’ll only get better. The tables all surround this 200,000 gallon tank full of sharks, eels, sting rays, and numerous other animals. It’s strange, though. When I started at El Chico my entire focus was on staying clean. Every day was a struggle. I remember telling myself constantly, “Just don’t use today, maybe tomorrow will be different.” Now, I’m a bit more emotionally secure so staying clean daily isn’t as much as a struggle. Therefore, starting a new job I have found new struggles. None of these strangers are going to be impressed by how long I’ve stayed clean. They don’t care that I pay my bills on time. They’re not surpised that I attend my siblings birthday parties. These are all normal things, that normal people do every day. So what do I have to offer then? I’m no genius, I’m no beauty queen, and I’m certainly no athlete. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I’m just finding it hard to start conversations and make friends. I’ve only been there two weeks, so I’m sure it’ll get better. I just worry, often. Next, I start school on Tuesday. I know I am capable of doing well, I just wonder how hard that is going to be exactly. No pills, no sleeping with professors. Just me, honestly trying my best to do this right. It’s just an odd concept that I’m having to adapt to. Honesty, for one. Being a responsible member of society, etc. I’ll be fine. I just need to pray more and think less. Now, my relationship is still going wonderful, I think. He is struggling right now. His work is stressing him out as well as the mother of his son. It’s just an odd feeling. While things are changing for me, I’m at the best I’ve been emotionally. I’m aware of my issues and taking steps to fix them. For once, I’m finding myself telling him that everything is going to be all right. For the first 18 months of our relationship it’s been the other way around. I’m willing to provide him with the same support he’s given me all this time but I’m just not sure if I’ll be any good at it. I love what we have and I’m willing to work at it, I just hope I don’t make it worse. I’m on my 6th step. I was fully aware of all my character defects a few months ago, but now that I’m living right they don’t seem so obvious anymore. So, I’m wondering what are they and how do I find them? It’s date night, so that’s all for now.

Better late than never, for memory’s sake. The most beautiful bouquet I’ve ever received. I am so grateful for my boyfriend, family, and friends. I am so blessed.

(Purple tulips for my favorite color and roses to keep it classic. I loved them!)

*your

self-loathing to self-awareness

I am 24 years old, and there are a few things I wish someone had told me 10 years ago. To the girl I was at 14: You don’t realize it yet, but you are easily in the top five of prettiest girls in your class and I’ll tell you why. I know you hate it that your parents won’t let you wear make up but it’s good for you. All those girls that intimidate you with their eye liner and push up bras, remember that that’s all they have on you. Your beauty doesn’t wash off with expensive make up remover, your beauty just is. You don’t realize it yet, but looks don’t matter as much as you think they do. Yes, people will always be shallow and more likely to approach you because of you’re beauty but you are so much more than blue eyes and boobs. You are smart, and you are funny. You are kind, and you are genuine. You don’t realize it yet, but those boys aren’t coming through your window because they enjoy your company. Although you are all the things I’ve already said, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t selfish masochistic pricks in the world that only want one thing from you. You don’t realize it yet, but you don’t owe them that one thing, or anything for that matter. No means no. There are decent human beings in the world that would enjoy your company, you just have to be willing to let people get to know you. You also have to be willing to get to know them. Friendship is a two way street. You don’t realize it yet, but your parents are right. They tell you not to hang out with that friend because they see their intent before your growing mind can grasp it. You don’t realize it yet, but there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to wait around for someone to love you enough to fix you, you need to love yourself enough to be patient. You don’t realize it yet, but high school really will mean nothing to you eventually. No one cares about who you sat by in homeroom and more importantly, you’ll stop caring about it too. You don’t realize it yet, but you’re not stupid. That boy you’re with will continue to tell you that you are for the next 5 years but it’s not true. As a matter of fact, you’ll come to realize that you’ve always been smarter than him. You don’t realize it yet, but cutting yourself doesn’t solve anything. It is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Sex, drugs, and alcohol won’t solve anything either. Trust me on this one. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself. And finally, you don’t realize it yet, but you don’t have all the answers. You never will.

As I wrote this I’ve realize how much I’ve grown over the past 10 years. And that’s because I lived the life I did and learned from it. I’m glad I can’t go back in time to give my 14 year self a pep talk because otherwise I might not have accomplished all that I did. We do recover and I am grateful for all the tears I’ve cried because it was that, that led up to be finally being able to fall asleep content at night. The nightmares are few and far between. I am able to help other young women see their own worth today, which means that none of that pain was in vain. I love you but more important than that, I love myself.

dry

I’ve been writing in my journal lately. I find it healthy, however, I find it necessary to also keep my tumblr updated. With that said, my life is one casualty after another. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration. Allow me to explain. I have yet to move back home, just stalling really. I know that when I get moved back in nothing will have changed. I’ll be put in the middle of my parents marriage. I’ll be required to do everything around the house because apparently, my sister is too sensitive to be upset at all. The lady is still in my life. My hands are dry and I want a cigarette.