MTA 26

Absence makes my heart forget.

Out of sight, out of mind. 

I am getting bored though.  It’s time to spice things up a bit. 

He acts like I have him under some kind of spell.  Perhaps, it’s because I let him believe he has one over me.  But, he doesn’t have anything on me.  I not fourteen anymore.  I can stand my own ground.  The way he touches my face makes me think he wishes things were different.  It’s an on going chase.  I let him get close, then sprint ahead.  I don’t know why I’ve let it go on this long.  I’ll get around to ending it at some point I’m sure.

I want to move out.  I don’t like lying to my parents, but I want to do what I want, ya dig?  Yeah. 

He’s extremely hard to read.  For a day or so I was thinking he could be gay.  But oh no, he is most definitely not.

Well, I smell like fried rice.

cure

There is now a cure for hepatitis c and I am going to get it! Not treatment, but the cure! It is 99% effective. I am so blessed. The scaring that has already occurred to my liver is irreversible BUT as long as a do everything I’m told, medically speaking, it won’t get any worse. If I decide I want to, I can now have children without having to worry about making them sick, etc. I can’t express my gratitude to my God for what he is doing in my life. I love you.

six

I’ve found that although it’s the truth that burns sliding from your tongue to your lips, it is often the only way you can really breathe again. I would rather be told the truth and work past it than be fed lies and spend years building on such a faulty foundation. Often times though, I can feel it in the way they say it that I know something isn’t right but I try not to get confrontational without any sound evidence. And even then sometimes I’m too much of a coward to bring up the lie because the truth is usually hidden for a reason. I know that it’s time that changes. I know that if nothing else the lies aren’t right. I can’t say if anything else is wrong or right in our relationship but I do know lying doesn’t really have many exceptions. I’m really sick of staying up waiting for hin to call, wondering what it is he’s still doing at 1:30 am that he can’t pull away to tell me he loves me and he’s okay. It hurts so much to admit these things to you because that means I have to admit I’ve always known something was wrong. I don’t know how he does it but when he finally does call me anything that comes out of his mouth sounds like music. His excuses suddenly make more sense than my rationality.  At least I can say I get off the phone feeling better even if it is just a false sense of emotional security. I met with my sponsor today. She’s so beautiful. She’s from north Ireland and her accent is beautiful. She’s smart too, of course. She’s an alcoholic but enjoyed cocaine in large quantities as well. I do my very best to relate to what she says but alcohol was never really my problem. It might have shown me that I can feel alive with a little help.  But sometimes I feel like alcoholics never to go to the great lengths I did to get their drug of choice. However I’ve run out of excuses to keep living so I became willing to do whatever it takes to feel better. My sister graduated tonight. She was really self conscious about it because she’s a student of 2013 but her tassle said 2014. She was grumpy all day. All the attention should have been on her but there are three of us and you can’t put too much pressure on parents for handling things the right way.  She will learn that. She will learn, a lot. Hopefully not too much, and not the way I had to learn. I pray she can learn from the mistakes of my brother and I who have done this all before. I feel confident in saying she doesn’t have the addict gene and I can only pray she stays on the right medication and continues to improve. Phases, the halfway house I relapsed in called me tonight. The house manager, Julia, said that some if the girls had been petitioning her about me coming back. She said that she thought about it and she wants me to come back. I’m not sure how I feel about it.  I was going to go to Foot Prints. You can still have your phone the first 30 days until 6 and guys can pick you up and drop you off or anything you want really. I had grown to love the women at Phases, though. It’s all a shot storm of catch 22s’.  Heaven help me.

“I’m not the person you left behind anymore. There’s no one here to miss.”

— Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You

I got to see my baby tonight!! Oh and my boyfriend, Jess, was there too, heh.  He’s officially put up with my bullshit for two years, today. Shit has been really rough these past couple months and it’s not going to get any easier for at least another three months but today I am grateful to have him in my life. It’s really comforting to know that although I have to wake up alone for now, I can rest assured that my best friend/lover is rolling over thinking of me too.  I love you, baby.

chances of impulse

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, they really are okay with being just friends?  Or maybe they’re just really lonely.  Either way I’ll take it over being used.  We just watched tv for an hour and a half.  Simple.  I know he tried to be a good friend.  Whereas him, Idk how to read.  I can see in his eyes and the way he talks that he’s got some dark secrets behind those eyes.  I can see that it’s hard for him to be okay with opening up.  But, come on, you can’t just not talk.  You can possibly be as apathetic as you pretend to be.  and you, you can’t possible care about me the way you say you do.  Why me?  Why not all the other girls.  I hope you all show your colors soon before I go color blind. 

I don’t know why but I did it again last night.  It was impulsive.  It popped into my head and I got up walked to the bath room and did it like it was brushing my teeth.  Without flinching or blinking.  I ran over the first one a few times then decided it was inadequate and I needed to take advantage of the chance I was taking. So I did it twice more around the same spot.  I wasn’t satisfied because the utensil was dull, but it had to do because I had people to see and places to be.

I didn’t lie, I just changed my mind.

This ring I accidently shoplifted from earth bound, well I’ve decided it will be my sanity ring.  It says, “wherever you go, there you are”.  I thought a lot about what this could mean and I decided that for me it means that the journey is the destination.  And as long as I’m wearing it, I’ll remember everything will be okay.  And as long as I wear it I’ll know that I’m awake.

Surprise, Tumblr, I have braces! Hopefully, I will have them off in ten weeks (making it four years that I’ve had them) and I will actually smile in public without having to think twice. My point is, look at the purple flowers!

We went cliff jumping/diving, again. I climbed a tree and it was fucking epic. That is all.

Let's give this one more try.

My last tumblr was abrubtly exposed my a friend of mine’s mother.  She’s always in their business.  So to avoid any nonsense about things I had written I deleted mine as soon as she started questioning it.  My friend and her sister stopped using it. They didn’t see any point in it with their mother checking up on it everyday.  I’ve given it a while to cool down and so far I’ve seen no sign of her or them here.  So, I signed on to a new tumblr.  Hi.  Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.