Puppet

You guys, I now get paid to be a mermaid. I’m not allowed to post about it until our public debut in Jan, but considering only a few of my followers know me personally, I figured this was a safe place to let some of my excitement out. Stranger: “What do you do for a living?” Me: “I’m a mother fucking mermaid, man.”

Gratitude list 1;

-I am clean today. -My family. -My boyfriend. -My sponsor. -New friends. -My health. -My home. -My car. -My job. -Narcotics Anonymous.

Forgiveness

Church this morning was about “division.” The pastors discussed how division is brought on by our lack of forgiveness and how sometimes, we have to forgive people who aren’t sorry. When there are quarrels between me and someone who is less healthy than I am, then it’s up to me to make healthy choices and end the division. So, the opening song was “Forget You,” by Gnarls Barkley. The pastor came on stage asking if we all had someone in mind when that song played. I couldn’t think of anyone. The service progressed, and still, nothing besides the small disagreement my husband and I had the night before came to mind. Finally, it hit me. My utter disgust with the McGregors is such a part of me now, it doesn’t even stand out. I’ve lived with it for so long that I can’t see it. It’s like your nose. In reality, you can see it on your face. That’s why when you get some kind of debris on your nose, you see it. Your nose has been apart of your body for so long that your eyes are blind to it.

They showed a seen from a movie called “The Shack.” In the movie, God asks this man to forgive is daughter’s murderer. He tells God he doesn’t know how. God asks him to begin by saying it aloud. After he says it, he admits to God that he’s still angry. God consoles him by saying that’s all right. Now, if that’s how it really goes, I’m willing to give it a try.

Just because I forgive someone doesn’t mean that their actions were justified. Although I’m not sure why, God asks us to forgive just as we’ve been forgive. From experience, I know that forgiveness brings peace. I’m not sure how to explain it other than to say that it’s much easier liking someone than it is to hate them. I just can’t accept that to be the only reason he asks that of us. It doesn’t matter why, though. He asks us to forgive, so I must forgive.

Do I need to tell Him what I’m forgiving them for? What if I don’t know? I know I’m angry. I know I’ve unfollowed them all on Facebook to prevent me from letting one picture make me miserable, but why? Am I angry because they made me feel unworthy? Am I angry because they mislead me and my family? Am I angry because of how Brandon treated me and am blaming everyone that bears his last name?

Or is it deeper than that? Pastor taught about how confusion leads to division. He said we spend time being hurt over things that never happened. Grantross never told me that he disapproves of me as wife. I just assumed that because his aunt did, she taught him to do the same. It’s scary to give him a mind of his own, though. It’s easier to lump them all together. It leaves no room for mistakes.

Something worth documenting is the fact that all the things Elise, Brandon’s mother, said, she said with the understanding that I would never hear her. When she referred to where I slept as the “devil’s bed,” was that really any different than me referring to Kariston as a “dope whore?” You see, I said that in anger. I was angry with Kariston for hurting my husband. I was doing what I thought was best to console him. Was Elise not doing the same? Was she not trying to protect Brandon from falling into sin using language she thought he’d fear?

Doesn’t all of this sound silly now? Michelle, Melissa, Craig, George (etc. McGregors) have never done anything to hurt me. Here is a list of the guilty: Joann, Elise, Marie, Greg, Donovan, Chantelle, Yolunde, Emily, and Brandon. All the rest are only guilty because of their last name. I’ve turned this into much more than it’s worth. My brother is the one that actually began this healing. I was listing their offenses to him and he kept interrupting saying things like “Yes, but isn’t that your fault?” Now, his uninformed bias was wrong but what he was trying to tell me was not: none of it matters now. I will do what’s necessary to assure I soon feel the same.

Absence makes my heart forget.

Out of sight, out of mind. 

I am getting bored though.  It’s time to spice things up a bit. 

He acts like I have him under some kind of spell.  Perhaps, it’s because I let him believe he has one over me.  But, he doesn’t have anything on me.  I not fourteen anymore.  I can stand my own ground.  The way he touches my face makes me think he wishes things were different.  It’s an on going chase.  I let him get close, then sprint ahead.  I don’t know why I’ve let it go on this long.  I’ll get around to ending it at some point I’m sure.

I want to move out.  I don’t like lying to my parents, but I want to do what I want, ya dig?  Yeah. 

He’s extremely hard to read.  For a day or so I was thinking he could be gay.  But oh no, he is most definitely not.

Well, I smell like fried rice.

changes

Everything is changing. I have a new job. I’m a server at a restaurant called The Aquarium. So far, I love it. I’m making double the amount of money I was making at El Chico and we’re in slow season so it’ll only get better. The tables all surround this 200,000 gallon tank full of sharks, eels, sting rays, and numerous other animals. It’s strange, though. When I started at El Chico my entire focus was on staying clean. Every day was a struggle. I remember telling myself constantly, “Just don’t use today, maybe tomorrow will be different.” Now, I’m a bit more emotionally secure so staying clean daily isn’t as much as a struggle. Therefore, starting a new job I have found new struggles. None of these strangers are going to be impressed by how long I’ve stayed clean. They don’t care that I pay my bills on time. They’re not surpised that I attend my siblings birthday parties. These are all normal things, that normal people do every day. So what do I have to offer then? I’m no genius, I’m no beauty queen, and I’m certainly no athlete. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I’m just finding it hard to start conversations and make friends. I’ve only been there two weeks, so I’m sure it’ll get better. I just worry, often. Next, I start school on Tuesday. I know I am capable of doing well, I just wonder how hard that is going to be exactly. No pills, no sleeping with professors. Just me, honestly trying my best to do this right. It’s just an odd concept that I’m having to adapt to. Honesty, for one. Being a responsible member of society, etc. I’ll be fine. I just need to pray more and think less. Now, my relationship is still going wonderful, I think. He is struggling right now. His work is stressing him out as well as the mother of his son. It’s just an odd feeling. While things are changing for me, I’m at the best I’ve been emotionally. I’m aware of my issues and taking steps to fix them. For once, I’m finding myself telling him that everything is going to be all right. For the first 18 months of our relationship it’s been the other way around. I’m willing to provide him with the same support he’s given me all this time but I’m just not sure if I’ll be any good at it. I love what we have and I’m willing to work at it, I just hope I don’t make it worse. I’m on my 6th step. I was fully aware of all my character defects a few months ago, but now that I’m living right they don’t seem so obvious anymore. So, I’m wondering what are they and how do I find them? It’s date night, so that’s all for now.

..what do you want from me?

I suppose the reason I’m not honest with you is because I don’t trust you.  Please, make me trust you.  Your intentions are blurred from where I stand. 

Cause and Effect

I’m writing from my bed, again. Writing is always beneficial but sometimes I’m too lazy for pencil and paper.

Today was full. We went to lunch, bought Layla new clothes, races go karts, saw a Beatles tribute concert, browsed Broadway and Printers Ally, and rode the bus. Justin and Layla both hurt my feelings today. Layla hardly counts though because she’s a child. Justin verbalized his opinion about my evening plans. Originally, I wanted the concert to be date night. I forgot to tell Justin that, so when we could find a baby sitter, he suggested she come with us. To make up for the loss of a date night, I suggested we make it a dress up date. I wanted to dress nice, go to a fancy dinner spot, then go to the concert. He was fine with that at first. He asked if Layla could wear her overalls. I said that’s not pretty fine dining attire. He was that opinion was stupid then became suddenly ill with me. When we got home, I said I didn’t want to go because he was grumpy. I started crying. He apologize. I took a nap. We ended up just going to the concert. It was all right. It just wasn’t the evening I was hoping for.

What I’m trying to figure out is why it escalated so quickly. Daddy always says “there’s nothing to figure out,” but I’d like to know the ingredients that called for such a rapid escalation. I have a few theories. First, i could be extra sensitive due to my period being just around the corner. Two, he was exhausted and frustrated from the small money tiff we got in this morning. Three, I heard the word “stupid” and took the conversation somewhere he never intended to go. Brandon’s usage of that word towards me scarred me, no doubt. It all began when he mocked my sleeping pattern this morning. He was thrown off by the fact that on my only day off of the week, I wanted to sleep in past 10. Yes, I sleep more than most, but my responsibilities are always taken care of, so why doesn’t it matter? Anyway, after he made such a big deal out of it, I got up. We rushed to shop without coffee or time for me to wake up. I believe that was a bad start. Less learned. My period is out of my control. My sponsor says with time I’ll adjust to it, and it won’t be such an issue. If the answer is three, that requires he most work. I feel I should let him know that he handled his frustrations wrong. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll know what caused it.

What I’m sure of is that I can’t blame him for not knowing I wanted a date night. I didn’t tell him. It’s ludicrous to put expectations on someone without telling them.

He did offer to buy me things all day at the mall. He knows I’m broke. That was sweet. He also massages my shoulder tonight. I told him I pulled it and needed it to be rubbed. I’m not sure it helped though.

I took my nursing entrance exam and scored with the top 8% of the nation! I wanted to write more, but I’m getting tired.

*others

precipitation

It’s 1:41 am and it’s raining outside. No one will ever know what the sound of rain drops hitting the ground means to me, but I’ll try to explain. When I was on heroin, I drove a beat up Toyota with no drivers side window. Every morning I’d wake up hoping it was dry outside. Regardless of the weather, rain, sleet, or snow, I’d still have to drive downtown to cop. Otherwise, I’d be miserably dope sick, unable to get out of bed. Back then, I didn’t watch the news because regardless of what that weather man said, I still had to go out and drive in it. Today, however, is different. Today I can watch the news, see that a storm is coming and plan ahead. Today I have a choice as to whether or not I drive in the current conditions. Hearing the rain tap the asfalt over and over again reminds me that I have a choice. It reminds me that I don’t ever have to use again. It reminds me that I made bad choices, but I’m not a bad person. It reminds me to help overs in this journey of recovery. It reminds me I lived through many things I shouldn’t have. It reminds me that I’m a miracle. It reminds me that we do recover.

you're still scum

even if I did have a few facts confused.

vulgarity for emphasis

I just finished today’s work for my online classes.  No I am waiting for slut to get here.  I hope she doesn’t ruin my night.  I mean she probably won’t but it’s happened before.  I can’t be as wreckless tonight as I’d like to be seeing as my babysitter will be sleeping beside me.  Ugh, have a little fun loser.  Your life is not about making sure I don’t fuck up mine.  To be honest, you only make me want to be worse than I already am.  Watch your step, bitch.

Today was kind of lonely.  I didn’t mind much though.  I just slept a lot, which felt nice.  My shoulders ache, I’d like to go back to sleep but she’ll get pissy when she’s here if I am.  Maybe she’ll let me have a little fun tonight.

I hope no one ever realizes I write here.  That will be the death of me.  Again.  Keep it hush pussy.