ASOIAF POVs As Onion Headlines:

ASOIAF POVs as Onion Headlines:

Ned:

-Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me

Jon

-Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents

Daenerys

-Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing

Tyrion

-Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

Cersei

-I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out

Catelyn

-Why Can't This Family Ever Have A Funkin' Good Time?

Sansa

-Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure

Bran:

-Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

Arya

-Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying

Brienne and Jamie

-Relationship Definitly Hurtling Towards Something

Davos

-Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

Samwell

-I'm Tired Of Constant Near Death Experiences

Theon

-Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had

Victarion

-Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being

Aereon

-True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It

Asha

-Area Women Planning To Fuck Up The Patriarchy Or Die Trying

Arrianne and Arys

-Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports

Quentin

-If Only I'd Listened To Literally Anyone

Baristan

-Unclear Whether Grandpa Having Good Time

Jon Con

-Prodigal Asshole Returns

Melisandre

-Cult Leader Pretty Cool, Actually.