I Thought I Thought I Was Generally Healed From My ED But Evidently Not Cuz I Just Threw Up All My Guts

I just had the most extreme urge to relapse into sh again but then I had a poo and now I don't have the urge anymore

this ego train I've been on for the past 3 months it's starting to crash

maybe I was never that bitch

maybe I am just ill

maybe it was never meant to be

it being happiness and me

slowly starting to not reply and not text

if I'm not needed then I wont try stay

if life is meaningless then so be it I dont care

I hope we all die from isolation

into disintegration

Kissing in the back of police car while hes in cuffs kinda romantic but idk how he feels

Right so I'm 174cm which is abt 5'8 ½ which is pretty tall for a girl

I used to be very insecure about my height thinking it made me uglier and less desirable cuz I had a terrible terrible need for male validation that i simply never got when I was younger.

I have gotten over that now and honestly tall girls are so gorgeous and pretty.

But like shorter girls keep fucking complaining about "I can't wear these shoes I'll be too tall" right in front of me like WHAT

Ok ur shorter then me ur literally average height why are you complaining abt shoes, like I'm not even THAT tall and I've gotten over this whole shoe problem

But gosh fucking pissed me off

yesterday

This girl is talking to me abt wanting to get new shoes but she says "I'll be too tall with them"

uhhh no???? No you wont

She said "I'll be like the same height as you"

Uhhh

Girl

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING

Why is being my height bad

Literally I dont get it

174cm is a perfectly perfect height

Why is she saying this backhanded shit

Im a woman ofc I'm just a body...

Could decide if I prefer it with more contrast or not

Addiction sucks because you get so deep into it that you dont know how to live without your substance. Life without it feels so lacklustre. You lose track of who you are

I am an alcoholic trying to recover but living without is so hard for me.

This is my plan

I will start drinking in secret to try reduce my alc intake cuz trying to go sober is really hard, idk how to act sober, idk who I am sober, idk how to feel normal sober

It just doesnt work for me

Trying to stay sober while everyone around you is either street drinking or clubbing is so hard

I'm 18 why do I have to struggle like this

The only way I will feel happy without blacking out or doing stupid shit is if i keep drinking but without telling anyone,

Doing it in secret because then I will be worried about people knowing so I will be forced to drink less but I still get to have the clutch that makes me likeable and able to actually enjoy my time

I know this is a bad idea and I should just cut it out entirely but after a week of trying I just cant I cannot it is too difficult

Crying hyperventilating and packing my bag i dont want to be in this house anymore i dont want to feel like the ultimate disappointment and i dont want to live i wish i was never born why would they put me on this earth if they wouldnt love me why do i have to be so useless why csnt i just be normal

How do you start liking the men who actually want you instead of the ones who treat you poorly and dont care about you???

Asking for a friend...