Maya Kulenovic: Rain (Interior), 2017

La Méthode. Paris, 1960

Photo: Christer Strömholm

I've had the suspicion since this evening that someone was here with me. My immediate instinct is my ex boyfriend Andrew, who died a few years ago. His birthday is a week away.

The light began to subtely get brighter and then dimmer, very slow and softly. Later the front door just randomly blows open, but I look at the screen door and notice it isn't moving from the wind. That one is still, coulda just been the wind.

But I put a lightbulb in J's bedroom downstairs, and am here doing homework. The light keeps flickering. I always pay attention when a light flickers. Always. Sometimes I'm able to shrug it off. Sometimes lights do just flickr.

The light keeps flickering at certain times. I know what he's saying, despite me trying to ignore it. I picked up the phone to call the guy I'm currently dating. I press his name to call, get a flickr, so I hang up. I sit there for a couple minutes, then pick up my phone to call him again. I press his name, light immediately flickrs. I hang up.

Frustrated, I try calling a third time. He doesn't even answer. A few seconds later, the light flickers. "I told you so" Comes to my mind.

I start to ignore the light. There's not a consistent amount of time in between flickers. I start to get frustrated cuz I don't know what it means.

I'm doing my laundry and light hasn't been doing anything. Then as soon as I pick up E's mom's sweater, the light flickers. "Got ya" He says that time. I can't avoid the fact that it flickered at the moment I touched the most sentimental article of clothing, the one that was most important to me, while doing my laundry.

I go upstairs and do some homework. I come back down and light is fine. I get on my computer and I take a photo on photobooth. Light flickers immediately after the shutter stops. I'm like ok, I get it. I'm being vain. But I go to take another one like a minute later, and as soon as the shutter stops, light flickrs.

It's flickered a million times as I write this. I can't write every detail, but it keeps flickering at the precise moment. It flickers at other times too, like just now. I can't tell if it is a warning, or a message of hope, or what. He's probably telling me I'm off the wagon.

I just remembered I forgot the most important detail lol. I start to record a video after the two flickrs after I take a photo on photobooth. The video stops recording, on its own, at the 1:11 mark. My hands were not near the trackpad. They know what I pay attention to. I should probably just start to listen.

This, in conjunction with the most recent tarot card reading I was called to receive, leads me to the conclusion that it is over with 8th house sun.

I was so pissed after that reading. The first two tarot readings I got occured in a similar fashion. I was drawn in to the first one, then the second one. I had been wanting another for a week or two, but the time didn't feel right. Then one night, I felt pulled into a tiktok live. I was like I'm over this, exited out. But then a few minutes later, same tiktok live shows up again. I'm like fine. The dude is saying a lot of things that align with me.

The reading didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. He said the cycle had been closed, it was over. 8th house sun had moved on. He said I was still holding onto something that was preventing me from moving on, and he was right. I've been pushing it off for very very long. I don't want to give it up, but I think it's well past time.

i’m looking at his natal chart. even though we aren’t together anymore, i can’t help myself. i’m still struggling to make sense of everything that has happened, but i’m slowly accepting distance as the reality. there’s just something about him.

we both have five planets in retrograde. his are the outers. i have venus, no saturn, plus chiron or something. i’ve always liked the fact i have a lot of retrograde planets, and most people don’t have more than one or two. our charts really are like a mirror.

i found the source for his violence and emotional power games. it’s his mars conjunct saturn, both in twelfth house. i admire him for that. since my sun is there, i’m no judge of the chaos the 12th house brings. i seem to live in it and enjoy it. our relationship was quite twelfth house after all.

but supposedly mars & saturn connections can bring a penchant for harshness and cruelty. quite frankly, that kinda turns me on. i do have a bunch of squares to my moon & pluto after all. i thought the arguments we had were fun. i have a gemini stellium and he has a gemini moon. it wasn’t fun and games for him though unfortunately.

i remember when i saw his qi energy one day in his back yard. qi energy is something i see on people sometimes, like their spirit energy. for him, it was a quick glimpse like the right side of his face was rotting. his eyeball was missing and it was like creepy. it was quite scary come to think of it, but somehow it transferred a light to me. and i don’t recall feeling too scared by it.

but after that, i began seeing a light in other peoples eyes occasionally. it was like a “hey, i’m here for you. i’m not judging you” kind of light. i think me seeing his qi energy gave me that light, to help me move forward when i get so depressed. and as i would come to find out, the 8th house is the house of “rot”. and he was my eighth house sun.

every month is no nut november for me, seeing as i am allergic to almonds [they make me guts feel like they are at war].

Abstaining during “No Nut November” is going to be a struggle.

I really want to show my support for those with nut allergies. But, I also fucking love cashews.

i don’t really agree. i feel like true healing, you look back and aren’t judging yourself (or them). i feel like regret is part of the healing process though.

my natal chart [will expand on this later.]

Sun in Cancer in Twelfth House

Oh boy. Where do I start with the twelfth house. As if being a cancer wasn’t hard enough!

Moon in Virgo in Second House

Moon in second house, that placement I actually quite fancy. Virgo though? Talk about nervous wreck! Very insecure growing up, for various reasons, and overly privy to detail that I’m still realizing not everyone else is like.

Mercury in Gemini in Eleventh House

Yes I will talk your head off. And yes I will look damn good while I do. Did someone say secular humanism?

Venus in Gemini in Eleventh House

I have three boyfriends at any given time. We need to have a mental connection before anything else is guaranteed. Take me to a gala, a fancy restaurant. Let’s drink wine and lavish in ourselves all night.

Mars in Gemini in Eleventh House

If I like you, I will insult you. If you can’t handle that, then **** ***. My body is small and thin. Lots of nervous energy. I think all the eleventh house energy gives me an aquarian persona, paired with my aquarius draconic moon. which is supposedly what your soul really is. but is our soul really bound by the paradigms of this universe? i dunt think so.

Chinese class • 中文课

这个学期，我有漂亮的汉子课。我们学习书法。

我喜欢汉子的历史。很有意思。篆书是我的最喜欢的。我还不知道，毕业的时候，我做什么？我还有几个学期。现在我不需要答案。但是… 我不要抱怨

i’m sitting in his room. it’s a few days before christmas.

it’s chilly, most of the days, in kentucky. a warm day in the 50s or 60s isn’t uncommon though. one christmas, it snowed. a few snow days a year are all a young student could hope for. the ice storm during my 7th grade year was a pleasant, citywide shut down exception.

anyway, i am laying on his bed. i smoke a cigarette. a red camel crush. bad teacher is on his tv. he needs a shoulder rub.

it’s 1:39 am. bad teacher is still on. he’s fallen asleep, like he always does. he feels safe and comfortable. i like to lay awake and listen to him sleep. like i’m watching over him while he rests.

something strange happened tonight with the new guy i am seeing. we started dating a few months ago. we had great sex for hours the first time we reconnected after six years. he’s a ceo. he appeals to a lot of aspects of my personality, he is a good fit. we have good chemistry. we have good sex. but i don’t feel for him like i do for space cowboy. even if i am weary of his volatile ways. i am okay with being with ceo if space cowboy falls through. i’m okay with walking away at this point.

but tonight. he didn’t text me good morning today. he said he was going to facetime me on my break to show me the house he was staying at. but then he didn’t answer or respond to my text. immediately feeling strange about this, but he does have a tendency to fall asleep early.

i immediately felt he was with someone else. and now, i realize it might have been his worker that just flew into boston. i know this worker. ceo isn’t exactly out of range of his type. but he does have a husband, though that hasn’t stopped a gay man before. i know from painful experience.

but i also got a strange vibe at the end of our phone call. they were both in the work van. i was in my car. i realized worker was different from me emotionally. saw things differently. the goodbye just was strange. i think it was ceo’s voice. sometimes our personalities don’t mesh.

hopefully-maybe i’m being paranoid. but would be cool if i was right. i like when my senses are right.

[[edit: i just remembered him saying he’s hooked up with worker’s husband before. they totally fucked. last night worker had his own hotel room. this morning, ceo doesn’t text me good morning which i found strange. he misses the call with me on his break. i’m at the point where i feel certain they had sex. this will be a good intuition tester, cuz i never know when to listen to something as right, or just in my head. this will be an experiment. cuz i’m so sure of my senses right now. but if i’m wrong, i’m wrong. i know ceo will tell truth. but if they’re having sex multiple times, it might hurt me. this would be the perfect opportunity to tell him i’ve been seeing space cowboy though. and space cowboy is starting to show more promise. he’s beginning to communicate. he’s told me thank you twice tonight. /end edit. ]]

that would be a low jab. but, i am over space cowboy’s house right now. everything in me has wanted a relationship with him. but things have progressed so smoothly with ceo. there are things he doesn’t know. things i don’t know how i will integrate.

but space cowboy, may have a very difficult time integrating with my friends and family. what few friends i have left. ceo and space cowboy have the same interests though. they both build wood furniture and things with their hands. maybe ceo can help cowboy. but he may feel jealous.

ceo works with his ex. his ex helps run his company. polyamory is a thing. i don’t know what will happen. could the two share me?