Octiainyourpocket - A Deep-frozen Pocket-worm

growing up I always wanted to be poorly understood by science

I need more trans people around me IRL so this can happen to me. Goals.

i feel like one of the weirdest realizations you (or at least i) eventually have a few years into transitioning and being mostly around other trans people, is that moment where u notice that like ur brains mapping of like specific voices to specific genders is just kinda gone. like it rly is just all social constructs programmed into u by society, and living outside societies idea of gender just kinda melts that shit away, and it's not just voices, like other traditionally gendered attributes also suddenly don't matter anymore*

*except for myself of course, i am obviously totally failing at being a girl but everyone is doing it perfectly, dysphoria is so awesome lmao

Do you like poems?

yes! my favorites are The Tiger and the unnamed werewolf fridge poem

I have adhd and autism and I DEFINITELY do that. And your gf is a treasure.

sometimes i’ll forget other people who want to talk to me exist so i ended up ghosting my very loving gf and she was so understanding?? about it?? like no “you get upset when i do this but it’s fine if you do” just? “it’s alright, i was just a little worried something was up” and?? what??

oh. maybe. maybe this it. maybe that’s the problem.

I’m not exaggerating when I say this post changed my life. Seeing this as a terrified self hating 17 year old was like finding a fresh water lake in the middle of the Sahara.

As a non-English speaker as well, I think cross, horse, sauce and boss can all rhyme

adhd gothic

- your alarm rings but you are too tired. you set an alarm for five minutes later and go back to sleep. when you wake again, it is light outside and the alarm never went off. it was set for five hours later. you could have sworn you set it to five minutes later.

- your clothes are organized in piles on the bedroom floor. occasionally a shirt moves from one pile to another. you do not remember moving it.

- your desk at work is organized but not. “i have a system” you tell yourself. you are worried someone will discover the truth. you must not let others know you are struggling. your desk at work is organized but not.

- you did not take your meds. your brain is static. you did take your meds. your brain is accelerated static. last week your meds worked well. are they working well today? did you remember to take them? did you even refill your prescription last month?

- your assignment is due in november. it is september. your assignment is not due soon. it is end of october, but your assignment is not due until november. it is november 15th. where is your assignment? you go to bed, it is now november 27th. why do you turn in work late?

- you go to work to make money. you know you make money because you are told you do. your bank account doesn’t change much. you spend more because you are told you make money. you haven’t looked at your bank account for a few weeks now. it makes you anxious.

- there was something you were supposed to do. you didn’t do it, and you disappointed someone. you do not know who. it will come to you eventually, perhaps.

- you trip over a half-knit scarf. one of the needles is missing. you tried to learn knitting a year ago and forgot about the scarf. how long has this been on the floor? where is the other needle? you do not remember how to knit.

- you find yourself growing bored and unconsciousness slips into your periphery. you throw yourself into your work. if you are busy you will not sleep. if you are bored you will sleep. fight the sleep as long as you can. you cannot sleep at night.

- you do not eat and you eat too much. 

- your friends ask why you do not reply to their messages. it is overwhelming and you are so tired. you send too many messages at once and are filled with guilt. your friends keep texting you and you do not know why.

- your eyes blur when you read. you skim the words and do not retain. you skimmed this post and did not retain. you do not remember what the first bullet on this post was. you might not have read this last bullet, either. you will still tag the post as though you read it. you understand its essence, and that is okay.

Why I am sick of people dismissing ADHD

Recently, I decided that I wanted to read a book with an ADHD protagonist.

My friend with OCD had recently told me about a book she had read where the protagonist had OCD. She said that she felt seen and heard and that it was a comfort to be able to see herself in that story.

So obviously I hit up google.

And I was severely dissapointed.

Every list out there had almost nothing. And none of them were really books with and adhd main character. It was almost entirely, 'this character isn't adhd but shows a lot of adhd behaviors' or 'this person has adhd but it's only mentioned in passing.'

ADHD is. A. Serious. And. Real. Mental. Condition.

The ada defines a person with a disability as,

"A person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activity."

That is me. I would consider my ADHD a disability. Wether or not all ADHD is a disability is another discussion. But the point stand that mine. And I assume many other's. Is as well.

It drops my grades in school. It gives me executive dysfunction severe enough that I have trouble getting up and doing anything. It Makes it hard to be in crowds or anywhere with lots of people or noise or light or color or smell. It makes me forget inportant things. Takes parts of my memory that I should remember.

The point is. Is that it's hard. But society reduces it to.

'fidgity disruptive little boy'

And maybe there's nothing we can do, bar renaming it, besides doing our best to educate.

I just wish that I could see myself in characters.

I wish that people would take me seriously when I told them I had ADHD.

The overlap between disorders like autism and ptsd that are taken much more seriously is often huge.

But it's entirely brushed aside, and even knowing what I know, it sometimes makes me feel inadequate. Like I don't belong in neurodivergent spaces.

And yeah. Really, society needs to do better. That's all.

(this post is not about invalidating the struggles of people dealing with other dissorders/illnesses. It is just me, a person with adhd talking about my experiences and frustrations.

neutotypicals please don't say anything stupid.)