Singing

From what I recall, JMS originally offered the explanation that:

1. He had written the character of Jeffrey Sinclair to be something of a warrior-philosopher (which makes a great deal of sense if you are familiar with the character's eventual fate); with considerable emphasis on the 'philosopher' component in the first season.

2. From the second season forward, Sinclair would adopt a more action-oriented role, and drive the main story arc forward.

3. He hadn't laid the necessary groundwork for this change; and having written himself into a corner, JMS opted to exercise one of his famous 'trapdoors' and switch Sinclair out for John Sheridan.

The reasoning wasn't wholly implausible (imagine, for instance, Sinclair deploying nuclear weapons with the same sort of joyful abandon as Sheridan); and the timing happened to coincide with the introduction of Hotshot Network Note Warren Keffer (which lent some credence to the idea that TNT had a hand in the change)

To give full credit to JMS: not only did he protect Michael O'Hare's reputation (and kept the actor's mental health struggles in confidence until after his passing), but he did so by offering up a cover story that placed the blame entirely on his own shoulders.

If I had a nickel for every time a 90s sci-fi show had to write out a character who had visions and other mental power things, because their actor developed severe mental health issues, only for the producers to lie about why they'd been written out for decades afterwards? And they came back once or twice for a cameo?

I'd have 10 cents, but it's still weird that it happened twice.

(Kes played by Jennifer Lien on Star Trek: Voyager and Jeffery Sinclair played by Michael O'Hare on Babylon 5)

Escalator

While attending CONvergence, my friend and I needed to translate from one floor to another. Fortuitously, the venue had built an efficient escalator system for just this purpose.

As we escalated, a teenage girl (I presume; pronouns were not established) followed behind me. "I like your bag", she said; looking at all the little Mikus on the flap. There was a pause, and then she added, "I like your pins".

There are four pins on the rear of the bag - Amaterasu of Ōkami fame; one that reads "Hormone Therapy Club" and another, "Protect Trans Kids". (The fourth, less controversially, exclaims "Mom Vibes".)

"I wish the kids at school would stop calling me the f-slur". She said this with such quiet sadness in her voice. I didn't know what to say; couldn't say anything. It broke my heart.

We both stopped off at the next floor, and turned in opposite directions. I turned back. "Hey!" I yelled. "It will get better, okay? It will get better." That's the best I could manage.

I hope, wherever she is now, she's happy.

Phone call

I had literally forgotten about this until tonight, when someone jogged my memory... but ten years ago, I got an obscene phone call.

It must have been three or four in the morning when the phone rang. I was, rather understandably, asleep at the time; and quite groggy when I answered.

The man on the other end sounded mid-thirties; had an American accent; and an inflection that I can only describe as “Poorly imitating the iconic Scream voice”. He wanted to know what I was wearing.

In my confusion, I thought that this person was a friend of mine; and told him to knock off this strange prank of his. But as he persisted with his request that I identify my clothing, it dawned on me that this was in fact not my friend. And then I hung up on him.

I don’t want to come across as downplaying the seriousness of unsolicited, sexually-explicit communication; but more than anything, I just found the entire event bewildering.

Clothing

It’s fascinating to me how much male and female fashion differ; and how much variety there is in the latter.

It used to be that I would buy shirts; and I would buy pants; and generally speaking, pretty much any shirt would match any set of pants. Getting dressed was limited to randomly picking out one of each.

(To be fair, one can go fairly in-depth with male fashion; and I will be the first to put my hand up and state that I did not do so, as - I now recognize in retrospect - I found the act of shopping for male clothing dysphoric.)

Now I have all these amazing pieces of clothing; but there is so much variety - so much range! - that that any one item will only match a few others (or even none at all)!

I will invariably find myself thinking: “Now I need to buy x to go with this”... And I am loving it!

Interview

So; a funny thing happened at work today!

We're trying to hire in a junior developer. My boss is great at interviewing; but software development is outside of his area of expertise (he's more of a network / infrastructure guy), so he really wanted my input on this.

I straight-up told him: "You need another me; a generalist that can do everything from front-end to back-end, and more importantly, can figure out how to do things they have no prior experience with".

Fast-forward: we have a candidate coming in for an in-person interview. Two items peak my interest:

She's female. (This absolutely shouldn't be remarkable; but unfortunately, there is still a very, very heavy gender imbalance in the software world.)

Her name was simultaneously contemporary and fashionable, yet rare.

This really made me wonder... And my suspicions were confirmed when I entered our conference room and saw that she had bright blue hair.

I can only wonder what her thought process was - how intimidating it must be to walk into a prospective job interview as a trans woman, only for one of the interviewers to be introduced.... as a trans woman.

It was a good interview. Afterwards I told my boss: "When I say you need another me, I didn't mean literally"!

The final decision isn't mine to make; but part of me really hopes that she gets the job. I see a lot of my younger self in her (outside of the obvious parallels); and I would love to be able to mentor a neophyte developer, in much the same way that I was tutored by my friend and colleague.

Unexpected HRT side-effect #14

I have a lot of insecurity about is my hairline. I am, in retrospect, very lucky; I had very thick hair growing up, and even though it thinned over the years, I avoided the male-pattern baldness that struck my siblings. That’s no meager blessing for a trans woman that began her journey late in life.

However; at the time I began my transition, it had thinned extensively; especially at the peak. This really didn’t do any favors for my self-consciousness at the time.

Now, strictly speaking, some level of hair restoration is not uncommon with HRT; however, it’s far from guaranteed, and there’s no set timeline in which it might happen. After a year, I felt like very little had changed (which I attributed to the original loss being caused by damage, and not years of testosterone poisoning).

Imagine my surprise then at seeing an older picture of myself, and realizing that the problem then was a lot more severe than it is now. It’s a very difficult thing to gauge, but it feels like maybe a few long-dormant follicles have sprung back to life!

More generally, it seems that many of the hair-related side effects of HRT just take a long, long time to kick in. I had some hairs on my shoulders and upper arms; and as they were still present six months into my HRT regimen, I planned on having them removed. I recently discovered that they seem to have mainly disappeared of their own accord; so evidently I just need to be patient about these things!

Putting this out there, as Fiona’s work is absolutely incredible and she deserves more exposure! Are you looking to have a miniature painted with topnotch blending? Commission Fiona today!

howdy do! I'm opening one (1) commission slot for a (single) miniature to help me pay for my Transition, I am starting small and may open up more slots in the future.

A questionnaire will be provided to assure quality and satisfaction of the finished product.

Contact via DMs or email if interested

Email: f.ekerholm@gmail.com

Rules and terms

Payment via paypal*

Payment up front, if any extra paints, a model or resources are needed that is paid for in full.

The model is paid for by the buyer, either sent or I source locally (Sweden)

Single model ONLY, 28-54mm sized, no over detailed/huge model, regular basing is included.** Progress pictures will be provided.

Painting time 1-2 weeks painting time + shipping

Shipping rates are 12€***

*If you are located in Sweden payment is done via swish

**Basic basing is texture paste, in the color of your choosing shaded and highlighted with a few small tufts

***Some countries may be more or less expensive

Costs:

Building is required: 10€

Painting time 5h/7h 40/55€

If building is required

Complex or special basing: 7€

Simple OSL: 4€

Face: 4€

NMM Weapon effect: 5€

To my followers

I know that a number of the people following me fall into one of two categories: those that are trans but remain closeted; and those that have an interest in (and please excuse me for any incorrect use of terminology) the femboy and / or sissy lifestyle.

To the people in the first group: I see you! You are valid. If you ever want to talk to someone about how to take those next steps, please don’t hesitate to send me a message.

To the people in the second group: if you’re just following me for your own personal, uh, ‘enjoyment’ - that’s okay! I take no offense. Live your life!

I will say that for a long time, I did something very similar: lurked in the shadows, and lived the trans experience vicariously through the lens of fetishism.

(In fact, the very moment I knew I was trans came when another trans person gave an example of a lie they had told themselves in their past life: “It’s just a fetish”; words I too had previously uttered.)

So if you think maybe you are more in the first group than you initially realized... feel free to reach out to me too. I don’t hold all the answers, but I might just have the questions you need to figure things out.

I am absolutely astonished that someone else knows this song; let alone in the year 2024!

(That bass line! The audacity to rhyme ‘empire’ with ‘vampire’ in a mock-Transylvanian accent! Absolutely spectacular on all fronts; 10/10, no notes!)

Song of the day is Bloodsucker by Paralyzed age teehee

Unexpected HRT side-effect #15

My HRT regimen is an emulation, only simulating the real thing. Cis women experience a complex, month-long dance between estrogen and progesterone, swinging from one to the other and back again. I, on the other hand, experience an estrogen peak every two weeks, and a progesterone peak every quarter.

And that's okay! It's gotten the job done.

Sometimes however, my peaks and troughs happen to look just enough like an actual cis cycle to trigger some fascinating side effects.

This one occurred a few weeks ago. My day started as normal; but something seemed off. I got to work, and began to experience stomach cramps. My first thought was that I must have consumed some disagreeable foodstuff; but this was different - the sensations were prickly; and extended all the way into my pelvis.

It wasn't until lunch time, as I was driving my daughter home from summer school, that it came to me: these were menstrual cramps!

My hormone levels had aligned in such a way that my brain was now sending instructions down my existing nerve pathways to forcefully contract a non-existent uterus...

This state of affairs continued for two days; with what I can only describe as various muscle groups from the top of the abdomen all the way down to the thighs randomly and constantly pinging, eliciting a continuous stream of "Ow! Ow!" noises.

Now: is this exactly what cis women experience? I have no idea. Did the lack of uterus effectively cap the amount of discomfort I felt? Or did it cause the nerve signals to be redirected into other adjacent muscles, making their contractions worse? It's so hard to say.

What I do know is this: I already had a healthy respect for the unpleasantness of menstrual cramps as experienced by others; but this situation made for a very personal window into that world that really reinforced my prior understanding!

Addendum: there is a candy dish in my office that is periodically emptied, and refilled; fortuitously, its contents had been refreshed the day this all went down. My very audible "Oh, thank god!" drew laughter from one of the people that worked nearby and knew what I was going through!