Jirai Culture Is Feeling Guilty For Trying To Recover

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"To kind-hearted souls 💕,

I never imagined I’d be in this situation, writing to seek support . I’m Ahed, a father of 3 young daughters , and we found ourselves living in a crowded school after our home was destroyed in the war 💔. Every day is a battle just to provide the basics for my girls 🏫.

If you are able to help, even in the smallest way, you would be giving us the chance to live with dignity 🌷. I kindly ask you to share our story or offer any support you can With many thanks and gratitude 💐."

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Today’s actually been a pretty good day for me, but I know, I KNOW, that by nighttime I’m gonna do a complete 180 and wanna kms.

I’m so used to this happening almost every single night that I lovingly call it my sad hours.

I’ve just accepted it as a part of my day to day life that I can’t do anything about. I mean I’ve been having these thoughts to myself since 2018 so it’s kind of out of my control at this point.

Ngl even if I didn’t have it as bad as others it’s still really fucked up thinking about some of the things I went through.

Like maybe I should stop invalidating everything about myself and realize I actually am traumatized….

To give my insight into this, I’m a generally emotional person in part due to my neurodivergency(I have autism and ADHD), and it’s made my life a hell of a lot more difficult. I latched onto the whole “ticking time bomb” saying because that’s literally who I was: Someone who forced people to walk on eggshells whenever they did so much as talk to me.

I have trouble communicating with others properly, I can’t get a understand or get a grasp on my own emotions, I often get burnt out because doing minimal tasks that are outside the schedule I have built into my brain are too much for me sometimes.

To top that off I have very bad anxiety and depression, which have inadvertently warped my view of myself, other people, and life in general, making me believe the world isn’t just fucked up, but deserves the absolute worst and that absolutely nobody is redeemable. Not even myself.

I feel like I can’t recover not just because I don’t want to, but because I feel like it’s quite literally impossible for someone like me. My support system is either doing much worse than me physically/mentally, or doesn’t and never will understand the extent of why I feel life is so exhausting and excruciating.

I’ve jumped between 3 or so different therapists this year because either they made me feel inadequate and like I didn’t have a right to be there, or simply didn’t reach the needs I was hoping for.

Jirai Kei to me isn’t just some subculture for mentally struggling people, it’s quite literally the amalgamation of feeling like no one can truly understand your pain and feeling like the pain is so bad that you’d wish you were better off simply not existing.

Maybe I’ll never know what it’s like living as a young Japanese person, where the topic of mental health is VERY much undermined and misunderstood, but does that make my own experiences as a neurodivergent, queer afab person in America any less valid? No. It shouldn’t.

Case in point, Jirai Kei to me is embracing your mental health and its issues because there’s no one else out there who feels them the way you feel them. Your experiences are unique to you.

Only you can define yourself, and nobody else.

Something that I’ve been thinking about a lot is what Jirai Kei is and what it means. What draws me to the style is how I remember writing poetry about feeling like I was a “ticking time bomb” many years ago. It feels like I’m seen finally in who I am, in a way. I may seem put together, but I’m a highly emotional, sensitive, and expressive person. The person where it’s only a matter of time until I have a breakdown or an outburst of emotion. That’s a part of my life and who I am, that I’ve never been able to acknowledge. I’ve been told to “stop being a baby” growing up so much that I’ve had to learn how to try to keep my emotions at bay and fail. I guess it’s also has to do with obvious signs of mental illness and physical illness that have been ignored and dismissed growing up.

Yet, I’m supposed to be “better now”. I can’t share when I’m struggling to hold back a panic attack or biting my lip to stop myself from crying. I’m not supposed to feel super happy and then super sad the next moment.

However, within this style, it embraces that. It embraces how deeply I feel and how I’ll always struggle with my mental health. It embraces it and tells me it’s okay. That I can struggle, that I can acknowledge and say that I’m not doing okay. I don’t have to be happy all the time. I don’t have to be sad all the time. I’m free to feel and express it.

I don’t want to leave. I want to stay on this Earth and live, even if it hurts a lot. I know some people say that lifestyle jirai kei don’t want to get better, but I don’t think that accounts for everyone. For me, Jirai Kei is a way to express how deep I feel and my struggles. It’s a way to express when I’m feel depressed or lost or anxious.

I think the point of my ramblings is to just say that you should define what Jirai Kei means to you.

Recovery is beautiful, but I also acknowledge some people aren’t there yet or don’t want to be. Just remember that it’s a beautiful thing to feel emotion so deeply. You don’t have to engage in self destructive behavior to be “a part of the jirai kei community”.

Anyways, I’m done. Thanks for coming to my ted talk <3

Currently debating skipping class and getting someone to pick me up.

I can’t stand being in front of people who obviously put more effort than I ever will

I didn’t even bother brushing my hair or putting on makeup or anything. I just look like a mess.

I don’t even wanna work. All I feel like doing is… I don’t even know. Nothing I guess.

I just need to get out of here.

Just doing this to project my thoughts(as if that wasn’t the point of this whole ass blog).

I recently started thinking that I may be some form of dollkin. I used to identify as dollhearted/kith but I didn’t resonate with the term so I dropped it.

I made a little side note about why I feel a stronger sense of connection to dolls and why I lowkey wish I was one. I decided to take a look into porcelain dolls specifically because I didn’t really feel anything for other types of dolls. One of the notes I took down was that I always felt connected to vintage imagery and objects and like I was meant to be in a time that was not the time I actually was born in. Porcelain dolls are hella vintage and usually associated with elegance and the upper class of the time it was produced(1800s). I identify heavily with things associated with purity and elegance and all that jazz. That shit’s like peak gender to me among other things.

I know that otherkin identities are meant to be personal and so the experiences will also be personalized, but maybe if I hear the experiences of someone who is dollkin that’ll give me an idea of where I align.

Soooo….. PLEASE HELP!!!

Born to be a heavenly concept forced to be a deadbeat mortal.

I’m looking through some mizuiro/tenshi kaiwai fashion on some sites and I’m just like:

I’ve started getting into the style because my angelkin ass will attach to anything angel themed + I love cyber-esq aesthetics.

Also the tendency for the fashion to be somewhat androgynous is definitely a plus.

If it wasn’t expensive I’d have like 20 pieces by now. :(

I gotta love how I am the epitemy of a weeb(Loves Japanese fashion, music, anime, etc.) but I have the most 2000s, Avril Lavigne obsessed, Snooki from Jersey Shore wannabe room with juicy couture bags stowed away in my closet.

Don’t get me wrong I love it but I think it’s really funny for someone who hates living in the US, I sure do love romanticizing the 2000s as if that wasn’t one of the worst times to be a woman of prominence.

Finna put these on my wishlist for Christmas.