Henley Monday -

The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

Oh hello there! Welcome! Welcome back to the beautiful event in time and space that is The Bachelorette. I'm very happy to be here, and what's more, I'm happy to be back in your head commenting every move our Lady Desiree and her male suitors make.

Let's jump right in - very edgy starting in with a montage of the season to come and not Chris Harrison saying "Tonight! On the Bachelorette." There are sweeping landscapes and smiles and tears and mystery women and heated meat heads throwing down with their words and fists.

Back in real time, Des pulls up to a brand new Bachelorette pad in a modest Honda Civic. She and Chrarisson tour the new digs (complete with drafting table and bolts of fabric for our little designer!) as Desiree recaps her ill-fated journey to love with Sean Lowe on last season of the Bachelor.

She has already cried twice in this episode. Once when reminding us that she grew up in poverty but her parents love each other a whole lot. And again when remembering being dumped by Sean. She is going to be crying a lot this season methinks.

Then Chris hands her the key to her brand new turquoise Bentley convertible. She goes for a little joy ride to a stupid song that includes the line “I think I love her more than I can understand”. She ends the voice over saying, “I’m ready to put a ring on it.” So there’s that.

Now for a little poolside chat with Chrarrison. She says, again, that she wants real love and compares herself to Cinderella looking for her Prince Charming. And, look, I really liked Desiree last season and am excited about her turn, but I really hate when women constantly align themselves with Princesses from Fairy Tales because a) fantasy world b) helpless maidens aren’t cool they’re helpless c) you shouldn’t want and expect a perfect prince you should want and expect a great MAN.

That being said the dress she is wearing to meet the guys is amazing. It looks like warrior alien armor which is my favorite kind of formalwear aesthetic. And I am just as nervous and excited as she is to watch these men embarrass themselves!

Before the first impressions, we have a few lil video packages about some standout guys. The first guy Bryden is sort of fine and describes his best characteristics as “loyal, kind, sensitive”, so he’s basically just a Labrador.

Next up is William who is one of my Chicago homeboys, and BOY does he embarrass me! He is a banker with an almost empty bookshelf and does bikram yoga by himself. He also walks the streets of Chicago demanding high-fives from unwilling strangers. Oh and he’s also black and points this out about himself so don’t expect to see William for very long.

We pull out a big card next I think in Drew, a dude who “loves his life.” He has a story about the divorce his mom from his alcoholic dad and having to take care of his mentally handicapped sister. He is very good-looking.

Oh hey we’re back in Chicago! I can tell because they use the same stock footage from before. Nick R. is 26 and is a “clothier” which is SO DOUCHEY OH MY GOSH HAHAHAHA. But on a serious note, he is doing important work. Men, go see a tailor. It’s necessary.

WOW BIG TWIST! NICK R. IS ALSO A MAGICIAN! HE DOES SOME MAGIC FOR A VERY LIMITED CROWD AT COMEDY SPORTZ (A GREAT THEATER YOU SHOULD PATRONIZE). HE IS AWFUL, AND I LOVE HIM.

Down in the “hill country” of Texas we meet Zak W. a 31 year-old drilling fluid engineer (wtf?) with crazy eyes who doesn’t like wearing clothes very much.

Robert is 30 going on 21 and is the man who brought people spinning signs into your world. Apparently that’s a thing that was invented and coined and Robert is the guy who did that. He has a baby face but looks great wearing a wetsuit half-way down and HAS A DOG WITH ONE EYE. I see what you’re doing there with that one-eyed dog, and let me tell you Robert, it is working.

Mike R. has a British family and is a dental student. He is oatmeal of a man.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie, yeah! He wakeboards! Speaking of wakeboarding his father left his mother in quite a wake when he left Brandon and his brother at age 5. His mother struggled with addiction, but don’t worry guys! His grandparents showed him an example of a loving relationship. Thank God otherwise he would never be fit to be someone’s life partner.

Ok everybody, strap in. The moment is here. We’re about watch 25 men be really awkward meeting a pretty girl for the first time.

First out of the gate is Drew, our good-looking front runner of the men from those intro packages. They have a cute little moment, and I think our girl is feeling him.

Brooks has long hair and reminds me of this actor. Brad is a boring accountant who brought a wishbone as homage to when Desiree brought wishing pennies for the fountain. Shut up, Brad.

Bryden comes out next and his occupation is listed as “Iraq War Veteran” which isn’t an occupation. Michael G. is a federal prosecutor and strikes me a little bit as the type of guy who might be more excited about spending time with the guys in the mansion than Lady Des.

We are living in a world, folks, where a guy named Kasey can introduce himself by saying, “I’m in social media, and I looked you up and saw all these great hash tags about you. So I’ve got some hash tags of my own.” He giggles his way through some truly stupid hash tags, and I almost end it all right here. Hash tag – Stop it, Kasey.

Will from Chicago demands a high-five from Desiree. And then…And then he says this, “So, because you have the presence of a goddess, I decided to give you the nickname of Athena. Because she’s the goddess of wisdom. And she has outside beauty. And you have that outside beauty.” AND WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON?! That makes no sense and is just WEIRD. He leaves her with the charge of coming up with a nickname for him too because forced nicknames are the best kind of nickname.

We meet a grown man named Mikey and Jonathan a soft-spoken yet sexually aggressive lawyer. Then our good friend Zak W. with the dubious job description and crazy eyes emerges shirtless and spray tanned like a pageant toddler. He spreads his arms and says, “Will you accept these abs?” Des, who has been the picture of grace thus far, just giggles in response.

James is a hair-slicked guido (also repping Chicago) who I actually kind of like on first impression. Larry is a bespectacled ER doctor who very awkwardly forces her to dance and then when he tries to dip her, her heel catches on her train. It’s very uncomfortable to watch.

Nick R. the tailor/magician does a trick to make a rose appear, Zak K. is a burly book publisher in a wee bowtie, and then some real magic happens. A guy clumsily clamors out of the limo and towards Desiree in a full suit of shining armor. His name is Diogo and he is every bit as awkward as you’d hope he would be. Even the guy refusing to wear a shirt thinks the suit of armor is a bit much.

Chris fake proposes but ends up tying his shoe. Mike R. shows up in his dentist coat, but I would like to remind you all that he is but a dental student and should not openly practice dentistry. Robert the sign spinning guy is totally nondescript in his intro but he’s growing on me. Oh, hola Juan Pablo former pro soccer player, cómo estás? He brought her a candy from Venezuela and Desiree cannot handle saying Juan Pablo. I don’t know how to make that easier for her.

Awwww, yeah! Brandon the Adrenaline Junkie/Painting Contractor comes slowly rolling in on a sweet hog! That motorcycle is the only memorable thing about his entrance. Brian is a douche in a (gorgeous) blue velvet sport coat. Micah is a moronic law student who comes out in a gimmicky ugly suit of his. Nick M. wrote a horrible poem and forgot to get his pants hemmed! See Nick R. about those pants! Dan is…a guy? I don’t know; he’s totally blah.

Oh and last but certainly not least is Ben an “entrepreneur” who decided that the best thing for him to do as a FATHER would be to prostitute his young son on national television to sway Desiree with his undeniable cuteness! REAL COOL MOVE, DAD. That trick may have worked on Desiree, but it’s not working so easy on me, guy!

Before the party gets started Chrarrison informs Des that she has the same opportunity that Sean had last go around as far as roses go. So all the roses available are out on the table, and she can give them whenever she wants.

Hash tag Kasey really feels how stiff the competition is. I have to agree. There are some champions among some true horrible goons. Des gives a toast and some advice to “just be yourself” which is the best advice we can ever get, really.

And before anything gets started, Nick R. pops up to get the attention of the crowd for some magic. Kill me now. Oh but wait it’s a hacky hoax to make Des disappear for a few seconds so he can talk to her first.

“Are you a magician full-time?” is the first thing she has to ask him because it’s important to know if you’re dating a MAGICIAN. My respect for him grows though when Brandon interrupts him and he insults him by calling him “pinstripes”. Haha, I know, right, Nick R.? What is this? 2002?!

Dude with the kid actually has a lot in common with Desiree, and they’re hitting it off. They talk about his kid and how they like camping and the outdoors. It seems natural. She gives him the first rose of the night.

Shirtless Zak W. with the crazy eyes is taking this as a serious reality check that maybe he needs to show Des that he’s serious about being there. The rest of the guys also collectively lose their *ish in jealousy and immediately step up the crazy.

Shirtless crazy eyes then does something I think we all predicted in the first five seconds of meeting him. He removes his pants and does a running jump into the pool. That’ll get her…? But it does, you guys, it does get her. She gives Zak W. a rose for jumping in the pool.

Bryden the Iraq War Vet who described himself with the qualities of a dog, talks about how he and his dog are best friends. He gets a rose.

Desiree and I are on the same page that Juan Pablo is one sexy Venezolano. He does tricks with a soccer ball like a trained seal. He’s so hot I really hope she keeps him just to see his face.

Drew is adorably nervous and gets a rose for all the things they have in common. The ER doctor who dipped her is freaking out and it’s still very uncomfortable because he apologizes to her. He’s less attractive than I thought and a little creepy with his intensity.

Jonathan the aggressive lawyer has once again made a “bold move” by getting really drunk and trying to set up a fantasy suite where he is “going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth.” And I hate this guy. I knew this guy in college. This guy is a handsome dirtbag and all around garbage person.

“She didn’t want to go to the fantasy suite. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her,” he slurs. AND THEREIN LIES ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MESSED UP MISOGYNY THAT A PRETTY WOMAN IS OBLIGATED TO DO STUFF WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DEEM HER WORTHY OF YOU.

He tries to take her into his weird makeshift fantasy suite one more time, and she puts her foot down. She sends him right home to the literal applause of the other men.

And now for the rose ceremony! Everyone is nervous because they all feel like they deserve to be there most. But let’s see who Des deems worthy of her heart and helicopter rides.

Those leaving us tonight include: Mike R. the pseudo-British dental student; Diogo the knight in shining armor; Larry the dipping doctor; Micah in the gimmicky suit; Nick R. the tailor/magician; and of course Jonathan the supreme a-hole.

Well there you have it. This journey to love is officially kicked off, and I am as excited as I always am for world travels and drama and hunky men acting like idiots. It looks spectacular and like there will be tears every week from not only Desiree but the guys too.

To those of you returning, you know where to find me. To those just joining the party, recaps go up every Wednesday and you can follow me on Twitter @Chasspod during the rest of the week. See you next week, journeyers!

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Who's ready to get started with the first official group and one-on-one dates of the Season? The first of the episodes where men shall prove themselves as noble and true or vile and there for the wrong reasons.

We kick right off with the first of the one-on-one dates going to Brooks, who I must again insist reminds me SO much of this actor.

The boys hoot and holler at her turquoise Bentley as their jealousy is thoroughly piqued.

“It is crazy to think that this could be my first date with my future wife,” Brooks beams to camera. And I feel like that’s what any first date has the potential to be, so it’s not that crazy, Brooks.

But I guess it’s a good thing he has marriage on the brain because she takes him to a bridal boutique to go wedding dress shopping because that is a very normal and not at all terrifying horror first date for any guy.

He tries on a montage of ugly tuxes before they both land on a tux and dress combo that is very fetching. They look pretty cute together despite how deranged this whole set up is. Brooks has zero clue as to how to tie a bowtie, however.

“I really felt like we were newlyweds!” she tells us, “It’s not supposed to be serious; it’s supposed to be fun.” Yeah, ok.

The main portion of the date takes place on the Hollywood sign for its 90th anniversary. Brooks is pumped up about it. He feels like they are floating on clouds. And I have to admit, a picnic on the “L” of the Hollywood sign is an actually cool date and not just a tacky Bachelorette cool date. They make-out as the sun sets. On the second “L” of the Hollywood sign.

After they turn in their rental clothes, the two lovers get lost in a cutty part of Los Angeles in a Bentley convertible. Brooks is properly “sh*tting” himself. Methinks a plot is afoot!

UM. And then they stop on a bridge where a romantic table for two is set under some chandeliers, but it’s a SHAM. I feel CHEATED. And here’s why: this exact same date setup was used on the ill-fated Bachelor Pad. You can’t just reuse dates, Bachelor! Don’t think we don’t know!

Brooks and Des seem to really like each other. He’s growing on me. They talk about family and love and the divorce of Brooks’ parents. It’s very much a “Cats and the Cradle” story. He cries about his relationship with his father, and now I fully think he’s a great guy. And cute. And looks just like this actor Steve Howey.

What! There’s ANOTHER part to this date? It one Bachelorette cliché after another! It’s a private concert from Andy Grammer! So they do the obligatory awkward dancing to “Keep Your Head Up”. Desiree’s so effortlessly cute though, that she pulls it off. And then they have a very romantic slow dance to “I Choose You”. Des feels like the date was just as wonderful as Brooks does.

The men going on the group date are Dan, Juan Pablo, Zak K, Kasey, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben. “Who’s here for the right reasons?” reads the date card in a rare self-aware moment for the show.

They all put on their best formal tees in either black or bold jewel-tones to meet Des at the Malibu Rocks Winery. And I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe this is real. They are going to be starring in their very own rap video. The men are so jazzed about it. They are just as jazzed that Soulja Boy is the rapper du jour.

Soulja Boy. I’ll let that sink in for a second.

Here are the pearls of wisdom Soulja-Boy imparts to the gentlemen, “You know, I always thought that love was a little bit like hip-hop. You know, you gotta go with the flow.” So, feel free to take that to the bank.

The song is called “For the Right Reasons” which is hilarious. The producer who thought that up deserves a Peabody.

Brandon completely misses the message and says, “You know, she’s not messing around. This isn’t a joke to her, and I’m going to pass whatever test she has.” Chill out, Brandon.

After a free-style rap-off, Soulja Boy selects a few standouts and resigns the rest of the guys to backup dancers.

I hate that they have to take it seriously because this is completely a joke that the producers made for themselves. And they deserve a little comedic relief after watching this bananas show happen to them for years.

The men quickly realize that the song takes turns lightly roasting (toasting?) a few infamous former contestants from the show like Kasey Kahl, Jason Mesnick, that wrestler with anger management issues, etc.

They all go through their respective scenes awkwardly and uncomfortably. I’m embarrassed for them. It is all very hard to watch. Brandon doesn’t even have the luxury of wearing pants.

After an excruciating day of shooting, they wrap and continue onto the cocktail portion of the date.

Zak W. is the first guy to snag Desiree for the coveted alone time. To prove himself a worthwhile guy with more than just acceptable abs, he presents her with an antique journal that’s never been written in. It’s lovely and kind of thoughtful. Huh. He’s turning me around on him. But he still has crazy eyes.

Shockingly, Ben the guy who brought his four-year-old son to meet Des on the first night is kind of a tool. He’s very aggressive and annoying and tucks his sweater into his jeans. He keeps bringing his son back up too. This is unacceptable. Ben asks permission to kiss her. Then he does. I boo. Brandon almost cries.

If we did a drinking game with just the phrase “here for the right reasons” we would all be blackout drunk right now.

Mikey decides to “clear the air” between him and Ben after he swooped in on his alone time with Des. I respect Mikey for being diplomatic about this, but I honestly feel like we’re seeing the beginnings of Tierra 2.0. They do clear the air though and compliment each other’s shoes!

Brandon is still taking everything way too seriously. He has already called Desiree an angel. So he takes his time to tell her all about his tragic life story. He already promises to take care of Des and be a great dad. He has already “fallen in like” with her.

Much to everyone’s chagrin, Ben receives the date rose.

Going on the second one-on-one of the week is Bryden our faithful canine! He is joining Des on a romantic road trip up the California coast.

He is 80% more attractive when the wind whips his stupid front combed hair to the side. They get snacks and play on a beach and laugh and drive and play in an orange grove. In the orange grove, they have a picnic where Bryden doesn’t know what brie is. He is a simple man.

They end up in Ojai for dinner. The dramatic music plays as they pull up to…a hotel resort. A beautiful resort to be sure, but not, like, the splendor of nature dramatic music worthy.

Bryden makes Desiree laugh a lot, and you can tell they are clicking well. He thought ahead enough to bring pictures of the wreck and subsequent injuries from a terrible car crash he survived.

He gets the date rose easily. To celebrate, the two get in a candlelit hot tub! He wants to kiss her real bad and talks awkwardly to fill the silence before doing it. She finally says, “Just kiss me already!” Which is pretty cute and rom-commy of her. I’m not sold on this guy though. He is so simple I wonder if they could really sustain a lifetime of conversations.

All the men at the cocktail party are feeling tense and anxious to get a rose and continue on. Michael G. is nervous to tell her a secret about himself. It’s that he’s diabetic (AND ALSO PROBABLY HE LIKES GUYS). He’s telling her what he feels is a deep, dark secret when BEN walks in.

He steals her away, and everyone’s pissed that he already has a rose and is taking so much time from Des. He is a smooth-talking son of a gun, and I do not trust Ben as far as I could throw him. He’s also maybe one of the least attractive guys there, quickly becoming another average looking guy named Ben that I don’t much care for.

The other guys hate him too. Michael G. confronted him for being a jerk, backed up by his fellow Jets. The rest of the guys continue to gossip about how much he stinks and what a butthead that guy Ben sure is.

Rose Ceremony Time! Everyone without a rose is peeing their little pants!

Here’s the order in which Des calls the men:

James the Guido from Chicago

Kasey Hash Tag

Dan Oatmeal Man

JUAN PABLO MI AMOR (man does she butcher the Spanish she speaks to him)

Brad Who is a Guy

Chris Also a Guy (who are these men?)

Brian the Financial Advisor with a Wonky Eye

Zak W. Crazy Eyed Nudist

Drew Cheekbones Cutie Pie

Mikey The Grown-up Named Mikey

Zak K. the Publisher

Michael G. Trapped in the Closet

And the final rose goes to Brandon. He’s relieved but I am upset! She’s letting go of Will (surprised?) and Nick (who cares?) BUT SHE’S LETTING ROBERT GO! HE’S SO HOT AND CUTE AT THE SAME TIME! HE LOOKS LIKE ERIC VON DETTEN! HE INVENTED THAT SIGN SPINNIGN THING! HE HAS A ONE-EYED DOG! A ONE-EYED DOG, PEOPLE! YOU HOLD ONTO THAT AND YOU DON’T LET THAT GO!

I will officially hold all future decisions she makes to an even higher level of scrutiny than usual. It looks like that’s going to be necessary considering how much she seems to like Ben.

Well that’s that. No more beautiful and cute Robert to look forward to. I guess we’ll just have to rely on each other to get through this one, eh? Hang out with me the rest of the week on twitter @Chasspod, and check in next Wednesday for the requisite dose of dates and drama.

Oh, and in case you hate yourself and want to behold this tragedy that befell music, here is the complete and final video cut for “All the Right Reasons”.

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

Henley Monday:

It's October 1st! Ryan Gosling, patron saint of the henley, shakes his fist at you for not taking advantage of PERFECT henley weather.

Ryan Gosling shakes his fist as if to say, "Men, throw on a thermal or a flannel henley. Ladies, throw your sexy eyes the way of those well-dressed men."

Amen, Ryan, amen.

Oh Sandra...Sandra, Sandra, Sandra Lee. This might be the single worst item of food ever prepared on the Food Network.

Initially I thought my only commentary for this was a hearty "What the F$%&?", but after several viewings, I actually have a lot of words and thoughts in my confused brain about this abomination.

Here are some highlights:

1) What we're making for desert is a Baked Potato Sundae. Again, in case you missed it: a baked potato sundae (no potato involved).

2) For being "super simple" there is a lot of molding and cling wrap wrangling involved.

3) Not once have I ever sat thinking to myself "Huh, that pesky lid to my butter dish is always around with no purpose. Whither shall I make best use of it?" BECAUSE ITS USE IS PRETTY EXPLICIT. IT'S THE LID-TO YOUR BUTTER-DISH- SANDRA.

4) Plain powdered coco has a horrible texture, does not taste great, and coats the inside of your mouth which totally makes it a great candidate for a key desert component, no?

5) "Fancy spray stuff" the fancy stuff...from a can...that sprays...

6) When it's complete, the flavors going into that sundae are as follows: vanilla, raw coco powder, lemon, pistachio.

7) Why? Just...WHY???

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, WELL, WELL, WELL! As faithfully as the seasons change THE BACHELOR is back on TV screens across America, and for the fourth season, I am back to faithfully recap all the shenanigans and minimal romance for you. To those of you returning to me, welcome back! To first time readers, thanks for joining the noble ranks!

I can tell you in post that this premier episode had the highest ratings for The Bachelor in three years. That is thanks, in no small part, to the extensive publicity campaign ABC launched to promote Juan Pablo, going so far as to coin the buzzword “Juan-uary”. It is of course also due to the fact that Juan Pablo Galavis is sexy as all get out and a completely charming Latino-Americano.  But enough of the mechanics, let’s get started with Juan Pablo on his journey to love!

We kick right off with shots of Juan Pablo posing for photographs and jogging with his shirt off as he voices over how great his life is with his daughter, family, and job in Miami but the one thing he’s missing…is LOVE! JP has a beautiful four year old daughter named Camila whom he loves very much, but wants to find a mom for her and start makin’ babies.  “It’s all about destiny…you have to be in the same place at the same time and be of the same mind,” he says about finding love. Cheers to him improving his English.

And now for some sage advice on being El Bachelor, Juan Pablo invites none other than Sean Lowe over to his bachelor pad. After world’s cutest playtime with Camila, the dudes settle in to have some real talk about “the process”. Most notably, Juan Pablo is not too keen on calling it a “journey”, so he and Sean decide together to call it an “adventure”. Adventure is the new journey, y’all!

“What’s your kissing strategy?” Sean asks. Juan Pablo just makes an awkward little face and shrugs. Sean’s advice is to “feel it in the moment” which, sure, but more importantly he warns to not kiss someone in front of the other girls because he got in big trouble for that. Somehow I have a feeling this advice will not be followed to the letter?

We leave our two bro-dudes with a beautiful story of how Sean and Catherine have love that lasts in the real world because one time his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and at 2am, they scrubbed down the dogs in the backyard and all Sean could think was that Catherine is his forever person. OK. THAT’S. NICE. Their wedding is at the end of this month. Hooray Sean and Catherine!

Chris Harrison in his suit and tie is back out in front of that disease ridden, blue-lit mansion!!! I feel so safe here. Let’s stay awhile. Oh we have to meet some of the women first? Ok fine let’s get the crazy train off the rails.

Chelsie, a 24 year old science teacher from Columbus, Ohio, is up first. Chelsie says the main way her family would describe her is “very silly”, which is a great, great quality to highlight in yourself as an adult. Still, Chelsie is pretty cute and is trying to learn Spanish despite saying “ar-mor” instead of “amor” repeatedly.

Renee from Sarasota is paddle boarding into frame now! She’s 32 just like Juan Pablo and has an 8 year old son. She is calm, cool, and collected in her package. I like Renee. We are off to a good start.

Andi is a GANG PROSECUTOR IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. She is INCREDIBLY beautiful and obviously, incredibly intelligent. I LIKE ANDI. NOBODY F*** WITH ANDI.

Next up we have Amy an incredibly terrifying joy monster who claims to be a message therapist. We see her heavily breathing while kneeling on the buttocks of what we can only hope is one of her clients. She could not be chewing the scenery more and ends the whole thing by falling over in orgasmic pleasure when she says the name “Juan Pablo”. She seems sane.

Nikki does actually seem sane and like a normal human. She’s a 26 year old pediatric nurse who is very pretty and well-spoken. She wants love that lasts forever, can you believe it? Still though, she’s sweet and pretty and a smart nurse.

Lauren H from Oklahoma is “25”, but really I think “35” might be a better guess. She is “incredibly blessed” in her life but her love life is no bueno. Lauren spins us the yarn of how a little over ONE YEAR ago, she MET a man and they got ENGAGED and SIX WEEKS LATER he CALLED HER AT WORK to break off the engagement. I can’t even fathom that timeline y’all. You cannot, cannot, cannot meet someone and get engaged to them and then be dumped by that person with enough time to heal to then go on the Bachelor to find love. Lauren H., you crazy.

Valerie is a 26 year old personal trainer from a farm town who says she’s incredibly competitive in addition to being very, very pretty. Her words, not mine. She also calls all the other girls as ugly as goats, but not to worry because ugly people need love too. She seems chill.

Now, at 25 Lacey is the proprietor of an elderly care facility especially those with special needs because that’s the example her family set for her by adopting eight other special needs kids. Are you kidding, Lacey? Are you kidding with the amount of goodness in your heart that you’re putting into the world? This show finds some crazies, but also some real Miss America contenders.

And finally we have Claire who is part Mexican, but is plagued by the death of her father still. “There was something wrong in his brain, and we found out he had brain cancer,” Claire nods to camera. Which…let’s just start by saying that is very sad and I am sorry for her loss but…this is a hilarious way to describe what brain cancer is. ANYHOW, he passed away, but not before making a DVD to Claire’s future husband that remains unwatched until she finds that right man. Ten bucks says that DVD comes out by week three.

Alright! Enough with the video packages! Let’s get those women out on a water soaked stone driveway in front of a mansion embarrassing themselves meeting Juan Pablo! Because of such popular demand, there will be 27 women starting off this season rather than the traditional 25. Cool, I guess?

Amy L., a local news reporter from Florida is out first.  She looks nice in a sparkly red dress. Next is Cassandra who is TWENTY ONE and a former NBA dancer. They share an awkward silence because HER BRAIN IS STILL FORMING BECAUSE SHE’S A CHILD. Christy from Chicago is wearing the white satin prom dress that all the girls in my high school wore to prom in 2006. JP says he is liking this first leemo. Now it’s Christine in a slamming green dress who brings a cute little bracelet for Camila. Ok, here comes Nikki that cute pediatric nurse who is wearing a tight, low cut, low back dress and she is working it. She does a cute bit with a stethoscope for Juan Pablo to hear how fast her heart is beating with excitement. I would say it goes well because when she walks away Juan Pablo bites his hand as if to say “AYAYAY! MUY CALIENTE!”

The next limo pulls up and Juan Pablo whimpers out “they’re screaming…”  Out comes Kat who does a little salsa step with him, and Juan remarks to an off screen producer that she smells really good. And Chantel one of our first women of color is up, who impresses our bachelor with a great pronunciation of his name after belittling him with how to pronounce Chantel. Victoria is Brazilian which is just unfair to the rest of us, but she’s wearing a sparkly yellow tarp for a dress so that levels out the playing field a little.

Oh Christ. We pan up from a pair of bare feet getting out of the limo as we meet Lucy. A 24 year old “Free Spirit” that Juan Pablo remarks is “so cute.” No. Not so cute, Juan Pablo. So horrible. So loathsome. She is wearing one of those stupid flower crowns. I hope she free spirits some water from a hose and gets hepatitis A or whichever one just gives you screaming diarrhea for a month.

I’m quickly assuaged by Danielle’s entrance. She is another woman of color wearing an incredible dress that makes her look like Athena Goddess of War. I will be calling her Athena. She’s a psychiatric nurse. Danielle can stay.

And then a thing happens that I’m not even sure I have the skills to describe to you. A girl struggles up the driveway on what I can only describe as a piano bicycle that she has clearly never ridden/played before. Juan Pablo runs to her aid! Then he runs back to wait for her when she assures him she’s “got it”! Then she pulls up on her piano bike and plays a song that’s a song with notes. She messes up because it’s a PIANO ON A BIKE. She’s a composer who says that she just wanted him to know that music is her passion “musica es mi vida”. KILL ME with all the terrible Spanish happening right out of the gate. She walks away and Juan runs after her into the mansion to learn that her name is Lauren.

Chelsie the cute science teacher gets out next and does a little bit about instead of “doing chemistry” they should make some chemistry of their own. She throws some test tubes in the bushes which is littering and not very environmentally friendly, miss science teacher.

Valerie that snippy personal trainer comes out wearing cowboy boots with her gown to show how down to earth she is. Why do women always do this? Wearing cowboy boots with a gown is ZERO indication of your chill level and very good indicator that everyone should hate you. Elise comes out and she’s a pretty blond but most important is that her hometown is Forty Fort, Pennsylvania. Ashley comes out with a gold star sticker for Juan Pablo because she’s a first grade teacher.

Then we hear some grunting and sighing as Claire struggles out of the limo wearing a lovely pink dress and A FAKE BABY BELLY. OH CLAIRE, YOU SEEMED SO ALMOST NORMAL AND NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND. “HAHAHA I’M PREGNANT JK,” IS, IN MY EXPERIENCE, NOT A GREAT PICKUP LINE. Juan Pablo is trying to be so diplomatic but his internal panic is written on his handsome face. When she asks if he wants to feel she then reveals, “It’s so not real! It’s a little lumpy for a baby, right?!”………………………………………………………………….no.

Back on track we meet Ally, a nanny from Chicago who kicks the soccer ball around. Amy J. the crazy masseur comes out in a gold lamé dress that completely squashes her boobs. But JP seems into it because he whispers “Nos vemos a dentro” as she leaves which means “We’ll see each other inside”.

Renee the single mom comes out next! She’s a star and makes a great first impression. Lauren H. the heartbroken crazy comes out next, and she is a “mineral coordinator” which I know is a real job but sounds super, super fake. How does on coordinate minerals?

Maggie has the thickest little southern accent ever and brings him a fishing hook to show that he’s a good catch. We have Kelly who is preceded by her dog Molly getting out of the limo. Kelly has listed her occupation as “dog lover” which his NOT. A. THING. Lacey the old folks home owner brings him a fake prescription from cupid’s pharmacy. Which Albert and Ethel at the home told her that was a good idea?

Alexis gets out of the limo speaking Spanish at a third grade level. Kylie is a redheaded interior designer in a heinous bubble gum pink pageant dress. Sharleen is stoic but beautiful and she’s an opera singer from Canada who lives in Germany. She makes quite the impression on Juan Pablo. “Sin-gers, I like sin-gers,” he says.

Last but CERTAINLY not least is my top horse in the running ANDI THE FEDERAL PROSECUTOR. She doesn’t do anything crazy but they have good chemistry on first meeting. Go, Andi.

After the quick explanation of the First Impression Rose, Juan Pablo is off to the races inside the house! He is a little overwhelmed by all the beautiful women. “It feels like you are a meat that they gonna eat you,” he says. But don’t worry, he knows what to do. He brings out a little music to have a dance party! And there’s a photo booth! How wacky! He’s just SO wacky and low-key! It’s like a wedding!

Juan Pablo is a people person and he starts right away taking women away to meet them and have one on one time. He is the epitome of charm and diplomacy with these women. While talking to Renee though, he does have a big red lipstick mark on one cheek. Oopsies.

Lucy is a psychopath who should be stopped by any means necessary. She climbs all over him right away and stares into his eyes as she says, “Do you get nervous when I get close to you? Don’t be nervous. Be sure.” Which is a thing that normal people and not psychopathic mass murderers say to people upon first meeting them. She points out that she’s not wearing shoes just like a “real hippie”. I’m pretty sure it’s also just like a “real hippie” to be wearing a $1000 gown on a reality dating show but I’m not a “real hippie” like Lucy. Even though Juan Pablo is clearly freaked out by her he’s still the essence of diplomacy by saying, “It’s a little crazy, but it’s the first night so a lot of crazy is going on.”

Smash cut to Amy J. the masseur frolicking Juan Pablo out to a massage table that’s been so graciously set up by the producers on the driveway. Bless them. She is slowly undressing him and talking about essential oils and even though she is creepy, creepy, creeping up and down his body with her hands, he is like “Ok. Yes. Thank you. No no. This is fine. I’m not uncomfortable” even though his eyes scream for mercy.

He continues schmoozing with all the ladies as they collectively lose their shit when Chris Harrison places the First Impression Rose on the table. Everybody wants their time with him, most of all Lauren H. She is already crying because she feels like she can’t get time with Juan Pablo, and she needs love more than anyone else in that room. Lauren H. just needs to take a deep breath and a sip of some brown liquor. She is breathlessly weeping to camera. The first grade teacher ends up pulling her away to calm her down like she would with one of her six year olds.

When Lauren H. finally gets her time with Juan you can tell she’s been crying. She leads the conversation with her broken engagement story, and he’s being so kind to her. That being said, he and I both know that Juan Pablo is not Lauren’s therapist and maybe Lauren should get a therapist.

Sharleen is being stiff and keeps calling Juan Pablo “sir” even though JP is super into her. He says, “We would say in Spanish she has “mundo”, she has “world”. She’s very elegant.” He walks away for a second, and she says, “He’s a good package, but you know, I guess I thought I would feel more of this insta-chemistry than I did.” And then he comes back with the first impression rose! OH GOD. Has anyone ever rejected the first impression rose? Will she? He calls her elegant again “I like the way you are.” And after a long, long pause she finally says, “Sure! Yes. Thank you, sir.” Because Sharleen is elegant and confused about her feelings. I think she should give him a chance because JUAN PABLO.

Other girls are sad and jealous, but the first impression rose is out, and it can’t be taken back. The only thing left is the first official rose ceremony.

He calls out: Claire, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly (and Molly her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie. Then he calls out Kat’s name and Kylie smiles and comes sauntering forward as he hurriedly whispers “Kat! Kat!” and we can see a very special part of Kylie’s soul shrivel up and die before our very eyes. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes. But it’s too late. If it had been Kylie too, he would have just rolled with it. But now she’s going to throw up and die.

Back to the roses though: Victoria, Christy, Lucy (who TWIRLS away from him. DIE, LUCY.), Elise, and the final rose goes to Amy L.

That leaves Kylie, Amy J, Ashley, Alexis, Christine, Lacey, Maggie, Valerie, and Lauren H. all eliminated.

“People don’t always feel you the way you feel them,” Amy J cries to camera which I laugh about for approximately three hours because she’s a MASSEUR AND LITERALLY FELT TOO MUCH OF JUAN PABLO. And the other women are sad too.

But no matter! Next week the real fun begins with dates and drama and dresses! I’ll see you next Wednesday for the recap, and until then follow me over on twitter @Chasspod. (All photos care of abc.com; gif care of Yahoo Entertainment)

Henley Monday -

Look at that smile plastered on this smug S.O.B. It’s like he’s taunting us. Taunting us to gaze so longingly upon his perfectly formed, truly god-like physique and eyes bluer than the ices of Jotunheim. Dear, dear Chris Hemsworth, we are so blessed by your existence and perfect casting/performance as Thor, God of Thunder.

#99 Toy Story - Not Just a Child's Play-thing

It's been just over a month since I had a dinner party at my place for the viewing of the 99th movie on the AFI list. At the rate I'm going, I'll be done with the challenge in...2014...crap...I need to step up my game. But at the risk of sounding despairing, let's just jump right into the run-down on this great American film.

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                       The Good:

It's "Toy Story". It's a movie I loved when I was young and have learned to appreciate even more as I've grown up. This is, thanks to the careful crafting of John Lasseter, no accident. It was Pixar's goal when they set out to make a movie that would entertain the kids, but keep the parents happy too.  While this is now the norm, it was really one of the first "kids" movies to cater to both the adults as well as the kids.

It's seriously hilarious. When Buzz gets captured by Sid's little sister and gets all Stockholm-syndromy Mrs. Nesbitt?

              Truly horrifying child-villain Sid was voiced by late-90s teen heartthrob Erik von Detten.

So good.

It's a great story that has universal appeal. I think it's safe to say we all wished out toys would come to life and play along with us. Every single one of my Barbies had a unique name (the villain in the saga was played by a crop-haired fiend named Alanis), and I wished so hard every day that those dolls really came to life. Pixar tapped right into our wildest dreams and made them even cooler than we could have imagined. Best.

The Bad:

I think the bad in this case is more of a reflection on how good CG animation and Pixar has become over the years. The CG in "Toy Story" can at times look current and flawless, but sometimes the early stages of the process show through. There are a couple layers of blockiness they hadn't yet shaved off, and it can look strange. Again, this really reflects more on how far they have come in CG animation.

It's also short. Running at just 77 minutes, the pace moves along at quick a clip and can feel very hurried and a little chaotic. Compare this to "WALL-E" where we spend the first big chunk of the movie with two non-speaking robots, and it's a noticeable difference.

The Reason:

When "Toy Story" came out in 1995, it was the first ever completely CG-animated feature-length film. Now, almost twenty years later, CG-animation has become the absolute norm and it's because of the precedent set by Pixar. And, like I mentioned before, it was one of the very first family films that put jokes and bits in specifically for the parents/adults/older audience members. Just like in "Ben-Hur", I think "Toy Story's" position is based on how many precedents it has set. 

                                          Woody and Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Mayor of Hollywood Tom  Hanks and Michigan-native, Chevy-driving, Campbell’s soup-lover Tim Allen.

There are so many quotable lines that pop-up frequently in our generation. All of Woody's token pull-string phrases get dropped whenever anyone so much as says the word "boot". I dare you to say "Somebody's poisoned THE WATER HOLE!!!" to someone and wait for the inevitable "There's a snake in my boot!" or "Rrrreeeaaach for the skyyyyy"

On an end note, to really get a great idea of the kind of work and time and love went into "Toy Story", I recommend checking out the documentary "The Pixar Story." It's sweet and funny as well as an interesting look at all aspects of their very unique creative process.

The Food!

The obvious choice for the food would have been Pizza Planet pizza, but I didn't feel like slapping together a little 'za. I wanted to make something that would evoke childhood, a simpler time. I wanted the kind of food I would have scarfed down in between the hours of playing with Beanie Babies, Barbies, and Breyer horses (what was my thing about "B" toys?).

                                          This is Tour Guide Barbie from "Toy Story 2". Mattel was hesitant to use Barbie in the first film, unsure of how it would fare in theaters. When it became a huge success, they went in for the 2nd and 3rd.

I went with a six-cheese macaroni and cheese and hot dog casserole. I made a basic white-sauce then added one cup of cheddar, 1/2 cup of smoked cheddar, 1/2 of 4-cheese Italian blend (thanks Kraft!). The bottom of the casserole dish also had some of the Italian blend sprinkled. Mixed in with the cavatappi noodles were Nathan's all-beef hot dogs. Topped off with seasoned breadcrumbs, bacon bits, and parmesan cheese, I popped the dish into the oven until the crust was golden brown and all cheese bubbly.

It.was.so.good. We ate up every last bite.

We took a brief intermission during the movie to eat dessert. I made blonde-brownies following the recipe on the back of Nestle chocolate chips. Then cut them into bars and made ice-cream sandwiches! Delicious and rich and a little difficult to eat.

But it wouldn't feel like childhood if you didn't end up wearing most of your dessert, right?

I keep refreshing your page hoping that your Bachelor recap will pop up! When can we expect it?

First thing tomorrow morning! My life has imploded a little this week, nothing major, but Bachelor had to take a back burner. Working on the the recap right now for all you wonderful humans who give me the strength to continue on this journey!

^^^ me this week

Henley Monday -

hahaha yes that's right, Henley Monday is returned. We were on an unofficial, unannounced hiatus but we are back. And we are just as good as ever. And we are super excited to be moving towards the two year anniversary of this most beloved feature here at the blog.

We're doing a kick off with Colin Ferrell. He is a renowned "bad boy" with some serious issues for which we hope he's receiving therapy and working towards happiness and all the while LOOKING SO SEXY. He's getting older and his scruff is getting some salt mixed in with the pepper, and he is wearing the crap out of a henley under a sportcoat!

Stay well, Colin! Stay well, all of you! Until next Monday!