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The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Ladies and ladies (and, like, a few token dudes) welcome to the finale of The Bachelor. It’s down to just two contestants: the seemingly bred in a factory to be a perfect contestant on this show and fertility nurse Whitney, and the stunningly beautiful, has an identity outside of this but it is only being referred to as The Virgin, Becca.

Who will Chris choose?  Will it be neither? Just as they want us to fear at the end of every season of this show, Chris wonders if he’ll even be able to propose to anyone because he’s so torn. I somehow have a feeling Chris won’t be pulling a Juan Pablo on us. I can smell a proposal a-brewing on that one.

Of course, the finale is live because why wouldn’t it be? Chrarrison has promised a dramatic turn of events from his dais in Bachelor Central. God bless him. Chris Harrison: American Treasure.

The finale will not be taking place in some exotic locale, oh no. We’re ending this thing in the only appropriate place: Arlington, Iowa. How could it be anywhere else when deciding to love and marry Chris is equally deciding to love and marry Nowheresville, Iowa?

Chris pulls up to his parents’ farmhouse where all the sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews have gathered to meet his candidates for future wife. His mom Linda is a treasure. She looks like she was carved from a strong American oak tree and knows secrets about life she’d dole out while making biscuits with you on a Sunday afternoon.

Whitney meets the family first. There’s a light dusting of snow on the ground, and it looks to be about six degrees out. Whitney is already emotional about the high stakes of making a good impression on his family. She obviously passes with flying colors because Whitney is a human rainbow. The sisters love her and the parents think she’s so beautiful and strong.

As they sit down to lunch, Whitney makes a toast to let the Soules’ Family know that she came on the Bachelor 100% for Chris. She also thanks them for being so welcoming to her and gets choked up in saying how much she loves him. I get choked up. What’s happening to me?!

The Sisters Three sit Whitney down to have a hard hitting discussion about her relationship with Chris and how she sees their future. This woman is so poised it’s insane. She is knocking all their questions out of the park talking about how she can’t wait to be part of a family again and how she is ready to be a mom and wife that she could just pick everything up for him.

The Sisters Three are completely taken with her, and how could they not be? Whitney could charm the pants off Stalin.

Then Chris sits down to debrief with his sisters. I know they are all related because they all share certain features. But it’s the strangest composite of features from both parents. Like Chris’s head is the same shape as one sister AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. And then he has the same nose and mouth as another AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. It’s so strange. They’re all good-looking people, but the way the genes sorted themselves is bizarre.

“What hesitations do you have with Whitney?” one sister asks him.

“I don’t. With Whitney I don’t,” Chris fires back right away.

So, knowing that he is confident in Whitney’s unwavering commitment to him and Arlington, they ask what he feels about Becca and how that differs.

This is a much harder question for Chris to answer. He doesn’t even really name anything specific about Becca that makes him really like her. Just some facts like she’s “athletic” and “shy at first”. This is telling. I really, really think that Chris is infatuated with Becca, but with Whitney he could MAYBE have a chance at something real, insofar as one can after The Bachelor.

“You came here to find a wife. You didn’t come here to find a girlfriend,” the youngest sister throws down. That’s a heaping spoonful of reality. Becca is a fun girlfriend he might fhave for awhile. Whitney is your wife.

We round robin over to Whitney and Linda having their heart-to-heart.

“So, you say you think you’re in love with my son. What do you love about my son?” Linda asks.

“I don’t think I’m in love with him, I know I am,” Whitney fires back. These are two women with backbones. I like them together.

“I lost my mom ten years ago, and I have been waiting to call someone ‘mom’ and call someone ‘dad’. And I’ve been looking to find someplace that can really make me feel loved and I can just be myself, and you make me feel that way. You really do,” Whitney tells Linda. Oh boy. Those are emotions! Moms! Losing moms! Finding moms! It’s a lot for me! Moms are the best!

“I know that I could take you and love you just like that. But that’s not my decision to make, that’s Christopher’s. And I just hope and pray he makes the right one,” says Linda. Oh wow well she’s the best. She totally has biscuit life secrets!

As the couple say goodbye to each other on a frozen dirt roads, they do a bunch of tiny smacky kisses (WHY?). Whitney leaves, telling Chris, “Don’t you dare forget how much I love you.”

After she leaves, Chris joins the men of the family in the work shed surrounded by metal and tools. So manly. Men.

Chris shares his reservations about how he knows Whitney knocked it out of the park with all of them, but he still cares about Becca so much. He’s torn and is looking for advice. He also doesn’t want the family to write Becca off after having been so blown away by Whitney.

“Whitney is all in. But it sounds like Becca has played her cards a little closer to the vest…I just feel like as guys, that is infinitely attractive. You know, it’s the girl at the bar that nobody can talk to. Is that part of it in your mind?” Jason, a brother-in-law asks Chris. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK IT IS JASON. YOU ARE A SMART MAN.

Chris essentially shrugs that off, but we all know Jason is dead on.

The next day Becca joins the whole fam-damily.

“Relationship-wise I’m on the same page with these two women. Logistically, no,” Chris tells the family on his relationship with Whitney vs. Becca. He tells them upfront that Becca is neither as ready nor as willing to move to Iowa as Whitney. So now they are on the lookout for that.

Becca is so sweet and beautiful; she really does charm the family right away. Linda thinks she’s the funniest person on planet earth as she tells about how much her family loved Chris and then as she pokes gentle fun at how small Arlington is.

She sits before the tribunal of the Sisters Three to answer their questions. She explains that she knows she’s “falling” in love with Chris, but isn’t quite there yet.

“I’m scared that if I’m not at this place that I’m supposed to be at, that this all has to end,” Becca says. It does Becca. This is the Bachelor. This isn’t “Find Someone and Test it out in the Real World to See if it Works.” Her feelings here are COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE in a real world scenario. Most people don’t have to decide after dating someone for two months whether or not they will a) move cross country for them b) marry them. But like I said, this is The Bachelor. She can’t take it slow.

Lori and Jaci are both concerned that Becca does not feel as strongly or as sure about Chris as Whitney seems to. They have a lot of hurdles to get over.

Chris realizes after he talks things over with his sisters that he really needs to discuss the hard issues like long-distance and the logistics of their relationship with Becca. He is going to have to push her to see if there is truly a future there. They need a good, old fashioned Define the Relationship talk.

“Is she going to open up and be vulnerable? Because she’s gonna have to,” Lori says. God, how could the women in Chris’s family be so damn strong and he is such a Wet Willy?

Becca chats with Linda. And Linda, being adorable, starts with almost the same question she asked Whitney, “So what do you think of my son? Tell me what you think of my son.”

These two end up having a very real discussion where Becca is saying how hard it is for her to consider really, truly settling down and knowing if she is in love. Linda is pushing her and being very kind, but also not really pulling punches. Becca needs to think about the future. She needs to think about what she really wants and what Chris really wants. Becca has to be vulnerable enough to be open to love instead of just being so cautious and analytical.

“If you wanna go through your life and never take a chance, then what kind of life is that? And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But you gotta put yourself out there,” Linda says. BISCUIT LIFE SECRETS. I REALLY HOPE THAT WOMAN KNOWS HOW TO MAKE BISCUITS BECAUSE SHE HAS SO MANY LIFE SECRETS TO SHARE.

“I don’t think she recognizes that what she feels for Chris is love. I don’t think she recognizes it. Hopefully, she will,” Linda tells the cameras.

Chris and Becca leave each other both feeling uneasy about where they stand. They realize how much they have to discuss.

The very next night at the Hotel Julian in Dubuque, Iowa. Chris meets Becca in THE CAPONE SUITE to have their big discussion. So, no day date? Just an intense evening chat? Ok. I’ll skip it.

The two sit down, intertwined, on her bed to have this Very Important Discussion.

“I want everything that you can give me from your heart that I can have right now. Just to know, because I’m struggling,” Chris says.

Becca has said “I’m falling in love with you but I’m not there yet” so many times I’m starting to wonder if it’s a cry for help. Is she just repeating this to help herself escape from this? She just keeps saying those words.

She also bluntly tells Chris that she can’t make any promises about the timeline of when she’ll be ready to pick up her life or fully commit to spending her life with him and have a family. And for me, that’s it. Chris wants a family and kids RIGHT NOW, and she is still growing and doesn’t know what she wants! Chris literally asks her what she wants, and she doesn’t know. She doesn’t have to in the grand scheme of things! I don’t! But let me say it again: THIS IS THE BACHELOR.

“Why don’t you feel like you’re in love with me?” Chris finally asks. She doesn’t know. She can’t answer that.

“All I know right now is that I want you,” Becca tells Chris. I think that’s too little. I don’t think that’s enough to make this work in the long run. Becca also reveals to Chris that her biggest hang-up is what she would find to do in Arlington that isn’t just being “a wife.” And that’s a totally fair and real point and is making me lean towards thinking Becca doesn’t really want this either. This show is about getting married, and it is clear that Becca does not want that. She wants out. Set her free, Chris!

Chris’s big thick noggin still doesn’t know what to do though. Christopher. The answer is in front of you, and it’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.

Whitney.

She and Chris do get their full final day date, which if he and Becca had we never saw. Whitney and Chris are on his farm to do a little corn harvesting. Mmm, my favorite date. The Traditional Iowa Corn Harvest.

Obviously Whitney is over the moon about this and says she has to “pinch herself” to believe it’s real. Oh, this corn harvest is very real. Much like on Bali, the only time Chris has been fully animated and energetic is talking about farming.

Chris gives her the tour of his sparsely decorated home. It has potential, but you can tell that Chris’s mom did all she could to make it not just a white empty space. They drink wine by the fire, and Whitney pours her heart out to him even more than she already has.

With these two we also get an evening date at Whitney’s hotel suite to have a final talk before the big day. Whitney pours her heart out once more that she is totally confident that she could thrive in Arlington because she loves Chris so much. She makes sure that everything is laid out on the table between them, so that she can come out of it with no regrets.

They share many, many tiny smacky kisses before saying goodbye for the night. Whitney feels so confident that she loves him and that they have something great, but she’s still so worried and nervous that it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye tomorrow.

As the sun rises over the vast, snow kissed fields of Iowa, Chris peers out a tiny, smudged hotel window at Dubuque to consider his future. I guess instead of the traditional Shirtless On A Balcony Considering His Future shot that we normally get, we have to settle for this.

AND THEN MAYBE MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE SEASON HAPPENS. NEIL F***ING LANE (BELOVED PURVEYOR OF DIAMONDS AND TANNED LIZARD KIND) IS IN IOWA, AND HE IS NOT PLEASED.

“Did you ever think you’d be coming to Iowa?” Chris welcomes him.

“Did I ever think I’d be coming to Iowa? No. NO. I never thought I’d be coming to Iowa,” he retorts as he takes in the meager surroundings of Chris’s hotel room.

Chris works with him to pick out a ring all while voicing over his doubts about proposing to one of these women. Becca puts on a SLAMMING FLOOR LENGTH, LONG SLEEVED, BURGUNDY VELVET DRESS. IT’S THE MOST AMAZING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. Whitney is wearing a really pretty long sleeved black (it might be navy. I’m really, really bad at distinguishing black from navy) dress. It’s not quite the stunner that Becca is in.

The final rose ceremony will be taking place in the Soules’s family barn that has been set dressed within an inch of its life. There are hanging lamps and old car parts on the walls and staged light coming through stained glass. They even built a makeshift paddock for these two black horses that they no doubt rented for this whole shebang. I’m just delighted imagining the production designers in Pier 1 just saying, “Ugh. I don’t know. I guess farm chic is what we’re doing?”

This is it. We see the black stretch limo crawling along the dirt road to reveal who Chris is sending home, and in so doing, who he chooses as well.

Oh thank God it’s Becca.

Neither of them wanted this truly long-term.  She slowly climbs through the obstacle course of hay bales and pallets they have designed and takes Chris’ hands. He makes a speech about how much he cares for her and what an amazing woman she is, but makes the turn by telling her she’s not really ready for what he wants.

She is completely understanding because of course she is. She isn’t ready.

“You’re gonna make somebody so incredibly happy, but I don’t think that I’m the guy that’s gonna give you what you need,” he concludes. Becca is so gracious as she says goodbye to him. I think she was expecting this and, though she’d never say it, was hoping for this. They hug goodbye and leave on really good terms. That went really smoothly.

She sheds not one tear in her exit interview in the limo. This woman is a pillar of grace. I also think she’s somewhat relieved that at 26, she isn’t tied down to world’s smallest town and just being a housewife for the rest of her life.

Now is the fun part. They producers are being cheeky as ever as they play music that's clearly supposed to evoke Field of Dreams over Whitney arriving at the Rose Ceremony Barn of Love.

Whitney gets out of the limo and you can hear how ragged her breath is from nerves. Good Old Chrarrison points out that she is shaking like a leaf. She is. Is her dress blue or black you guys? This is a serious problem I’ve had my whole life. Blue or black?!

He takes her hands to steady her and she is blinking like a crazed owl to calm herself. Whitney speaks first as she tells Chris how he has exceeded all her expectations of him and how sure she is that they will be together forever.  And she says, “I love you,” to him like seven million times.

Chris starts his speech to her, and he’s still really bad at speeches. True to the end, my friend. True to the end. He is so impressed with her and excited by her and amazed by her.

“It’s not work for us. It’s natural. We both want the same thing, and it feels so right. It feels so perfect,” and he takes a deep breath and long pause, “And that’s what I want for the rest of my life. I love you.”

She is over the moon to finally hear him say it. So he gets down on one knee to propose marriage to her! They kiss! The music swells! He picks her up to hold her tight! They both feel like the luckiest boy and girl in the entire world! SO VERY MAN TINY TENDER SMACKY KISSES!

Chris gives the final rose to a beaming Whitney who just keeps saying, “I love you.” They share their final moments on screen sitting on the open edge of the barn window, and it’s quite lovely. Yay for them!

This time the After the Final Rose doesn’t need a full recap. Just a few bullet points. Thank GOD.

Becca was, once again, an absolute pillar of grace as she spoke to Chris. They are both on very good terms.

Whitney and Chris are still very much in love.

Jimmy Kimmel gave them a cow he named Juan Pablo.

And...the announcement of our new Bachelorette is actually a poisonous wound festering in my soul these last few days. They claim that both America and the producers were SO torn on whom to choose for The Bachelorette that they didn’t! Both Kaitlyn AND BRITT will be competing for the love of 25 guys. And at the end of THE FIRST NIGHT the men will determine who they will be pursuing in love on the rest of the Bachelorette journey. I have enough thoughts on this to fill an entire page, but in the meantime, what are your thoughts? How do you feel about an already depraved show pitting two women against each other for the men to decide who they deem more worthy of love? Ask is open!

And once again, thanks for going on this journey with me! You are all so great and make all this hard work worth it. XOXOXO

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Welcome to your recap of the Women Tell All which is always a tricky thing to recap as there is so, so much back and forth between embittered women on uncomfortable stools. I shall endeavor to convey the high emotional stakes to you, my dear readers. And without further ado, let’s jump in!

Oh no, just kidding, there will be MUCH further ado about nothing as we get to watch Chrises Harrison and Soules crash Bachelor viewing parties across LA. There are many, many screaming women, a drunken mom who kisses Chris on the mouth, one very douchey LA guy who says he loves the show, more screaming women, and all of this set to what I swear to God on High is the score from Beetlejuice.

And for more ado, we also have a highlight reel of the major dramatic points that will be addressed over the course of tonight. The two biggest issues at hand are Kelsey the condescending widow, and the beef between Britt and Carly. The video package ends on the rather chillier things Carly said about Britt as they were both eliminated, and we pull out of video to see Britt tearing up in her chair.

My patience level with Britt’s dramatics is starting off at about a 2, so she doesn’t have much to go on here. Starting out the gate crying is NOT going to help.

“Why did you pretend to be my friend the whole time?” Britt asks Carly. And then Britt launches into a literal Sob Story about how she sat on Carly’s bed and put cucumber slices from her salad onto her eyes because she’d been crying so much about not knowing where her and Chris’ connection had gone.

WOW. So much to unpack there. Firstly, Britt needs to pare down her words and get tougher skin. Secondly, that is such a stupid and specific thing she remembers of “putting cucumber slices from [her] salad onto [her] eyes.” I mean what the hell? Did they have dressing on them? Did you actually think that was going to help you depuff IN MEDIAS CRIES?

Things escalate to where many women are talking over each other either in defense of Carly or Britt. What Carly and co. want to say is that she was “friendly to” Britt because she didn’t want to create drama or be outwardly mean to someone. But they are all having a hard time putting that sentiment together.

Quick update on Carly’s eyebrows: it looks like her makeup was professionally done. She looks great, BUT those eyebrows are still mostly the same shape but have been filled in a lot. There is hope for her eyebrows yet.

Anyhow, Chrarrison tries to smooth things out by bringing Britt up into the hot seat right then and there. We hear more about how Britt believes that her relationship with Chris didn’t begin to crumble until Carly said something. Carly pipes up that Chris in his blog acknowledges that Carly was the third person to bring up Britt’s lack of authenticity to Chris. Ashley I. did and so did Jade.

Then Jillian rips into Carly saying how she badmouthed her (Jillian) to Chris in front of her and the other women. And then defends Britt as being one of the sweetest, purest of heart people she’s ever met. Um, ok. Thanks for that shining character reference coming from the woman who asked the most appalling “would you rather…” on her date.

Britt is now putting on the biggest show that she is crying.

“Your insecurity and your jealousy shined through,” Jillian screams at Carly. At this point Jillian is continuing to scream so much that Chrarrison has to whistle to get her to calm down.

“You’re a little jacked up!” Chris says. And she calms down enough to hear more from Britt.

Basically, Britt is overwhelmed by the powers of editing and that the producers have an end game that isn’t necessarily “the truth.” Just in how she was as she was leaving the show, she has no idea how this game works. It’s a game, Britt. So yes, they are going to cut a scene of you telling Chris how you can’t wait to have kids with a scene of the women talking about how you said you didn’t want kids. They do that so that we watch the show and decide that you’re an evil, manipulative cow. Which, you’re not. I just think you’re naïve and on top of that a person I would never get along with in any capacity. But she takes everything so goddamn personally that she can’t see the forest through the trees.

As they cut to commercial, she cries even more. But she’s not crying. She’s just closing her eyes really tight, quivering her lips, and shaking her shoulders. For someone who’s trying to wipe away a reputation as fake, she would be wise to produce more actual tears.

The audience’s reaction to Carly is mixed. There’s both cheering and booing after what she says to Britt. This Women Tell All has become the Carly and Britt Show, and I don’t care for it. I don’t care that Carly said some mean things (at the prodding of the producers) about Britt. I don’t care that Britt might have been fake. They both got eliminated! Work it out off camera, ladies!

“Do you honestly think that had Carly not been in the picture, you’d still be with Chris?” Chrarrison asks.

And Britt silently nods her head as many women pipe up with “no’s”. That’s that. That’s not…no. That’s just not even close to the truth, Britt. She finally actually cries some tears to Chrarrison in what she thinks is an off camera moment. Well, Britt, goodbye.

Now we move right along from that pile up, to Kelsey our “Black Widow.” I have never in my life heard or used the word widow so much as on this season on the Bachelor.

So as we pull away from the shots of all the women celebrating on Kelsey’s elimination, we see Kelsey tearing up. She actually tears up though and cries as she describes how this whole thing has put her back in the grieving stage. She was starting to feel whole again, but now, after this experience, she’s back in terrible place.

Oh please, because you insulted everyone around you and acted like a prized idiot you’re grieving? That’s what she says as she cries so hard she asks for a tissue. I feel like ordinarily they have tissues at the ready but this time no, just Chrarrison, ever the gentleman, offering her his hanky.

“Are you sure?” she asks, “It’s silk.” He nods, so she uses it. And then there is a sound of audible disgust from the audience. Hankies are a gross concept to be sure, but Kelsey did nothing but use it for its designated purpose. Come on, audience; lighten up on her a little.

“Do you know why the women disliked you so much?” Chrarrs asks after our snot blowing break.

She hems a little before saying, “I’ve been told that I seem condescending and I use big words.”

YEAH KELSEY, YOU’RE BEING CONDESCENDING BY SAYING THAT YOU WERE TOLD YOU “SEEM” THAT WAY AND BY SAYING “BIG WODS” INSTEAD OF SAYING “LARGE VOCABULARY” AS IF THAT WOULD FURTHER CONFUSE THESE DUM-DUMS WHO DON’T KNOW BIG WORDS.

After she continues her speech about how she felt so attacked and the women are rearing to tear her up, she ends by apologizing to Ashely for the disrespectful things she said about her as they both left.

Then it’s time to really lay into Kelsey. Juelia, the other widow, is upset at how Kelsey used her tragedy as a tool and says she is the fakest person she’s ever met. Megan, whose father died suddenly in a similar way to Kelsey’s husband, can’t understand why she said the things she said about her story. Megan also hands what may be the only olive branch Kelsey gets by saying that she thinks Kelsey was still grieving, but then why did she come on the show?

Why indeed, Kelsey? And for having such a big vocabulary, she does a very poor job explaining why she said the things she said in the way she said them. We move away from Kelsey feeling like nothing is really sorted and life is meaningless and the universe just keeps quietly expanding yet remaining infinite. INFINITY CAN’T GROW, BUT IT CAN BECAUSE UNIVERSE.

Speaking of space, this is a genuinely natural transition and I’m super thrilled about it, we have Ashley S.! She is here to atone for her erratic and alien-like behavior on the show that even managed to flap the unflappable Chris Harrison.

Ashley is majestic. I will say, however, that even though I cracked wise and made jokes about her being on opiates, she might actually be. She is erratic and strange, and I worry that she might actually have some kind of issue. She speaks strangely and reacts in a way that does not say she is all there. I mean, she might be. This bizarre alien being might be who she really is, but something tells me she’s not all right. So we shouldn’t poke too much fun.

What I can point out though is that Ashley S, being inspired by her time on the show, has started growing onions. She brought Chrarrison an onion as hosting gift, and let me tell you he is downright tickled by it.

Something else I’ll add to the Ashley S. discussion is that she is very confident in all her replies. Ashley S. is Ashley S. and while everyone in the audience is tittering about what she’s saying, I think she may, possibly, be in on the joke. She acknowledges how much the cameras make her just act silly because it’s all absurd.

Chrarrison then breaks character for once in his life to ask, nay beg, Ashley to join Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants “Do it!” and she responds, “It’s so weird…just that we’re on TV.” Ashley S. might be smarter than all of us because she just deflected that like a pro.

Next on the hot seat is Jade in a banging red body-con dress. Body be banging. Body. Be. Banging. But also her brain and personality be banging. She’s so calm and sweet. She was upset that Chris rejected her after they had such a strong connection and had seemingly moved on after she revealed that she modeled for Playboy. She is very upset that he seemed to act one way with her even as they broke up and then called it “disturbing” in his blog that the girl he saw was different than the girl her family described.

Jade is too good to deal with a simple, idiot farmer from Iowa calling her actions “disturbing” in any way. She’s the only one other than maybe Kaitlyn who has legitimate beef with Chris for his actions and words. He’s a real piece of work, but in quiet ways, which is why I don’t know if this will be the blood bath I want it to be.

And OH MY GOD, we still aren’t getting to tromp Chris out there. Kaitlyn, the most recent reject, has a turn up on the hot seat. She is still reeling from getting eliminated in Bali and wants answers. She felt the most confident she’d ever felt at the rose ceremony during which she was eliminated.

“Honest to God, I think about this every day. Every single day since this happen I wonder why couldn’t he have given me one tiny little sign that maybe I wasn’t the one?” Kaitlyn reveals. She got a really big serving of a broken heart from Chris and just wants to understand more of what happened.

So finally, after nearly two hours of highly emotional women and back and forth that got us nowhere, Chris Soules comes marching out to the hot seat. WOW. SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY: BRITT FEELS SHE NEEDS STILL MORE ATTENTION AND BEGINS “CRYING” IMMEDIATELY UPON SEEING CHRIS.

Chrarrison hands the floor over to her right away and she comes up on stage and hugs Chris for an uncomfortable period of time. Britt starts right away by telling Chris, in the most put-on humble way, that she doesn’t blame Chris for believing Carly because Britt believed her lies too. Oh! Britt! Get thee to Days of Our Lives!

“Thank you for all that, but I want you to know that the reason things didn’t work out wasn’t because I believed or didn’t believe Carly. I mean, my decision was based on our journey together and our relationship, and there’s some things that I saw and felt that it wasn’t right,” Chris explains. Because yeah, Carly isn’t some conniving villain set out to destroy love with her litany of lies. Jesus, Britt, get a hold of yourself.

“Thank you,” she says as she wipes away yet more tears THAT AREN’T THERE, “That makes me feel better.” Oh, ok. Sure. Now you feel better that he dumped you because you were a selfish brat who threw a hissy fit about not getting your way?

Chris is really over all her theatrics and is just humoring her at this point. I think we might be done with Britt now once and for all.

Now that Britt got her martyr’s speech out of the way, we move onto Kaitlyn who has an actual reason to talk to Chris. Girlfriend needs and wants closure because she got hit by a truck when she was eliminated and given no real reason why.

She keeps coming back to the fact that he wanted her to put her guard down and be vulnerable, and as soon as she did that and opened herself up, he kicked her to the curb. Now, to be fair to Chris (though he doesn’t fully deserve it) part of what being vulnerable means is that you can get hurt and you understand that the relationship is worth the risk of getting hurt.

Chris still doesn’t have an explanation for her as to what happened and that he feels it was “like throwing darts in the dark.” OH SURE, MAKE HER FEEL BETTER BY SAYING IT WAS RANDOM.

Kaitlyn is having none of that and pipes up that Chris should have given her the same chance to talk as he did to Becca, and he should have given her the same courtesy Andi gave him by not putting her through the agony of a rose ceremony at that point in their relationship.

“What in your mind was making you think ‘You know, I’m gonna make her stand through that Rose Ceremony’?” Kaitlyn asks.

Chris apologizes for putting her through that and basically says he was doing the best he could because it was his first time being the Bachelor. HAHAHAH OH HOW RIBALD. WE HAVE FUN HERE CHRIS, YOU GIANT ASS.

To continue the skewering of Chris’s ass-hattery, Jade comes up to talk to Chris about how he sent her home and what he said to her. She calls him out for calling what he saw in her “disturbing” which he stumbles around an explanation that that was just a poor choice of words.

Jade is very well spoken and composed during all of this. She is having none of this. Chris’s reaction to her photos and basically lying to her face and saying it was all ok and then calling the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable gets put on the table. He just again, chalks it up to a poor choice of words and says that they both felt a little awkward. So that’s that. No justice for the wronged, Jade.

And then it is time for Chris Harrison’s favorite moment of any season, THE BLOOPER REEL! NOBODY LOVES ANNOUNCING A BLOOPER REEL LIKE CHRARRISON.

And that brings us the end of the Women Tell All. I will see all of your shining, beautiful faces next WEDNESDAY (ON TIME FOR ONCE THIS SEASON, I PROMISE). We have the big finale to look forward to, and although I have a very clear pick for the winner, I feel that my hopes will be thwarted. But we shall see to what extent Chris Soules shows his ass! Until they my sweets!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

This season has flown by. I might say that every season, butit feels truer than ever here with Chris. Perhaps it’s because he’s so boringor because the women aren’t really that into him or because they didn’t goabroad and the dates were really boring. It could be a combination of all those factors resulting one dramatic, yet simultaneously, uneventful season.

For all the sound a fury signifying nothing it took to get us here, we’re at the Fantasy Suite dates already. The show has finally sprung for a trip overseas, and we find our remaining three ladies and Farmer Chris in beautiful Bali. Chris says it’s very far away from Iowa, and I’d have to agree here. Indonesia and Iowa are very far apart on the globe.

Kaitlyn is up first for her date. They start by going into a temple and are taught some traditional ceremonies by a group of women in the most beautifully colored clothing. After the temple, they walk around the streets and drink a beer, have fun with the locals. Chris loves that Kaitlyn is at ease everywhere and always seems to have fun in any situation.

Cut to the two of them walking into a monkey “sanctuary” (I use that word VERY lightly), where they are giving tiny bananas to feed to the dozens of monkeys all around. Chris gets pounced on immediately by several monkeys vying for his banana, and I can’t help but see that as a beautiful metaphor for this whole process.

“I really like to think I’m this tough person who can handle whatever comes my way, but not if it’s a monkey,” quips Kaitlyn. She’s having a rough go of it here at Monkey Sanctuary. The humidity of a tropical climate is not agreeing with her hair. She even makes a pained metaphor for how the monkeys fear for nothing in going after what they want (thanks to their habitat being destroyed and becoming dependent on human tourists for food), and she wishes she could be like that too. Ugh, Kaitlyn, I thought I could at least count on you to make the same penis joke I made, but alas, this show has gotten to you.

After making out in front of some cool trees, Kaitlyn regales Chris with how much her whole family loved him. Kaitlyn is trying to open up as much as possible because she doesn’t want Chris to worry that she has a guard up.

As we transition into the dinner portion of the date, we finally get our first shot of a stray cat this season! Those producers must have been dying being trapped in the States where we just don’t have as many stray animals to add humor to establishing shots.

At dinner Chris asks why Kaitlyn feels she has a guard up. Would you look at that? She does her best to answer him truthfully that it’s hard to feel so vulnerable in this situation. They blather on about vulnerability and “putting yourself out there” for a few more minutes before finally getting to the Fantasy Suite card.

She accepts it immediately. Chris agrees that they “deserve” it. Do they? I guess they do. I think the sexual chemistry between these two is undeniable, but I am still unsure as to whether their “emotional connection” can withstand the desolate wrath of Arlington, Iowa.

The producers get the money shot when Kaitlyn finally gets the words out that she is “falling in love” with Chris! Oh the relief on their faces. However, Chris counters that statement by telling Kaitlyn that HE TOO is falling in love with her! Now. THIS IS HUGE. I was under the impression that he is contractually obligated NOT to say anything like that to the women until his final rose. That’s why it’s always such a big deal that everybody feels insecure and doesn’t know where they stand at the end because they’ve said, “I love you,” and heard nothing in return. This could be a source of drama down the road, especially if he doesn’t end up choosing Kaitlyn.

Next up on the Fantasy Dates is Whitney. Whitney is a few steps ahead of Kaitlyn as she has already revealed that she is straight up in love with Chris. They meet to have their date on a boat. I love this. I’m never jealous of helicopter rides or private concerts from C list country stars, but I am always, always jealous of private boat rides in a tropical locale. Hell, I’d settle for a boat ride on the Missouri River. I just love boats. So tuck that little nugget away in your mental file folder of Stuff Cassie Loves.

They set sail on the Indian Ocean in a truly majestic sail boat to talk about love and their feelings. Whitney hopes to address and smooth over the fact that her sister did not give her “full” blessing for her hand in marriage. Whitney is also very calm, cool, and collected about her feelings.

“I’ve never felt so ready or sure about anything in my whole life,” she says. She’s also rocking quite the tan. Bali has been good to her.

When the subject of her sister comes up, Whitney does a wonderful job explaining how Kimberly really did a big part in raising her and is very protective. But Chris gets it. They kiss a bunch after he tells her not to worry about that and that Kimberly didn’t change his feelings for her at all.

“I feel confident that I’m going to marry Chris,” Whitney beams to camera. And I don’t doubt that she feels that. I think she’s the front runner right now, but guys, how many times have I been wrong in the past? All the time. I’m almost always wrong about who the final pick is.

At dinner, Whitney is wearing this great neon yellow maxi dress. I covet it. Chris wants to take this opportunity to talk to Whitney about the reality of moving to Arlington with her job. He deeply respects how hard she’s worked for her job and how passionate she is, so he just wants to make sure he’s not asking too much of her.

He really lays it all out there as far as how small Arlington is: how there’s nothing to do there, how you have to drive to somewhere else to do anything. He refers to it as his “biggest insecurity in this.” That’s fair because wow is it a deal breaker. I mean aside from Chris being as interesting as the empty box of Wheat Thins on my lap, Arlington is a real no-go.

“I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but I’ve always wanted to be a mom and be a wife. And my mom taught me that sometimes, even when you are those things, it doesn’t work out. So you need to have something to fall back on. So I have this career, but I’m not fully happy...So if I moved to Arlington, I would leave my career…And I would want to start having babies, and that would be my career,” Whitney explains to Chris. Chris beams the biggest stupid smile ever when she explains that having babies would be her career, and I want to DIE. COME ON, WHITNEY.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother and wanting to put your full focus and time into that. Whitney is well aware that you can be many things as a woman. HOWEVER, saying “having babies would be my career” IS THE WORST. It sounds so backwards and wrong. Ugh. We are not baby factories.

“It’s not where you are. It’s who you’re with,” concludes Whitney.

Chris tells the cameras that if things continue as they are going, he could definitely see himself proposing to Whitney. And with that, they head right into the Fantasy Suite. It’s so Plush Ass. These Fantasy Suites are the only true Plush Ass Suites there have been this season.

Becca’s turn, y’all! Becca is, once again, stunningly beautiful here in Bali. She’s very nervous about the Fantasy Suite because she hasn’t yet told Chris about how she is waiting until marriage to have sex. Chris is worried about the fact that Becca has never been in love before because he really wants to come away from the show and have a relationship work. And certainly that’s a rational fear that just because someone hasn’t been in love before that they couldn’t figure it out and make a relationship work. Certainly. Certainly.

For their date, they are a walking around a gorgeous agricultural village. Chris is explaining farming and irrigation to Becca and is generally awe inspired by how these people farm in a way that “we” haven’t in hundreds of years.

And then, Becca and Chris go into a temple to meet with The Medium of the Village. So they can ask him about their future and have it foretold unto them. Wow! First Ziporah and now the Village Medium! If any Bachelor needs to mystics and mediums to spice things up, it’s Chris! They ask him questions like “Are we meant to be together?” and “Will Chris be a good dad one day?” and then Chris asks, “What’s her biggest weakness?”

The Medium of the Village responds (through an adorable translator), “She’s hard to control.” Which, I like that. I’m a wild mustang! But also, does he need to control her? No. He does not.

We get a real comedic moment, when, hoo boy get ready for how funny this is, Becca asks for advice for their important date tonight and the only thing that really gets translated is “making love.” Wow. Hilarious. I can barely type I’m laughing so hard. Sex between consenting adults is HIGH STAKES COMEDY.

“I’m glad he brought that up. I was just not thinking about it,” Becca jokes to camera. That’s actually a bit of a funny reaction from her which I appreciate. Becca has not really been shown that much despite her being all the way at the end here.

Becca continues to worry about telling Chris that she is a virgin and waiting until marriage before the Fantasy Suite tonight. She’s wearing a saffron yellow dress that is so short it flounces out from underneath her as she sits for dinner.

Chris loved her family and can see a future with her but is still worried that because she’s never been in love, she can’t get to that point with Chris. Ugh. This is such a non-issue. I mean, this show requires you to get to an advanced point quickly, so that’s fair in Bachelor World. But still, just let her get there on her own.

They address just that as Becca reveals that she believes she really is falling in love with Chris. She is also wary of moving to Arlington until she’s 100% sure that she wants to be Chris’s wife and spend forever with him. So those go hand in hand and satisfy both of Chris’s main concerns about her.

Right after this reveal of love, Chris busts out the Fantasy Suite invite. Becca takes a dramatic pause to think it over and explains to camera what her reservations are. She’s is worried that Chris will not be ok with her decision, and she’s also worried about the fact that there will be temptation in the Fantasy Suite.

“I’m not naïve to that,” she says, regarding the things that go on in the Fantasy Suite. In the end, she decides to accept the invitation in order to spend even more time with Chris.

Chris is excited to get to know Becca on a “whole other level, a level of intimacy that hasn’t been allowed.” Oh Chris, you poor, poor man. And your poor, poor boner.

After they explore the amazing Fanstasy Suite, Becca sits him down to have a frank conversation about her decision to wait until marriage to have sex. She explains that she wants him to be honest about his feelings and to be straightforward about what she’s about to tell him.

I really admire the way Becca has played this entire situation and especially the way she is telling Chris about it. With Ashley I., it was a big dramatic thing and something that you could tell she was very self-conscious of. Which is why the way she told Chris was awkward, uncomfortable, and self-conscious.

Becca on the other hand, while nervous, is confident about this fact and is standing by her convictions. I respect that. She tells Chris that it’s something very important to her.

“It’s a big part of who I am…it’s something that I want to talk about and not just kind of skim over. But I am a virgin,” Becca says.

Chris exhales deeply and then composes one of signature eloquent speeches, “Um, I am glad that you…and I…it’s never easy to respond to that kind of stuff. But I respect that in a lot of ways…it surprises me, and uh, I think says a lot of who you are and,” Chris explains, “I’m really more interested in figuring out if this could work.”

Becca thinks Chris’s response was perfect. Well, it was a good enough response. And although I can feel the disappointment that he doesn’t get to have sex with Becca radiating off his sweaty forehead, he takes it reasonably well. Again, though, as if he could respond poorly to that and not get skewered and roasted for it?

But the next day, Chris says that the overnight date with Becca was wonderful and that he’s falling in love with her. However, when they woke up together, they had a conversation about their future that left Chris feeling more confused than ever. He doesn’t know what to do because now he has to send either Becca or Kaitlyn, “or even Whitney” he adds as a hasty correction, home. Yeah, you’re not sending Whitney home, you dolt. Whitney was created in a lab to be the perfect contestant on this show.

Chris is just very conflicted about who he’s going to send home tonight. He gets emotional when he talks about how badly he wants all these women to meet his family. Oh Chris, you’ll figure it out. He sits down with Chrarrison to sort this all out. Chrarrison is amazed that Chris feels so strongly for all the women. He’s most nervous about Becca because she is not in the same advanced place emotionally and is also not as willing to pick up her life and moving to Arlington.

However, Chris feels so strongly about Becca and her family that he could see her being the one for him. He also feels that way about Kaitlyn. He also feels great about Whitney, although he’s all but confirmed that her rose is the only one he’s certain about.

In order to put as strange a filter on this rose ceremony as possible, they gather for the Rose Ceremony at one of the most sacred temples in Bali. There are very strict rules about no kissing and ladies with shoulders covered etc. Everyone is dressed in a kind of traditional way with Chris in white and the ladies in bright colors. They actually look quite lovely.

After Chris makes a speech about how grateful he feels to be there with all of them, he asks to speak to Becca. What results is a conversation where Becca reconfirms what we heard last night about her falling in love with him and that being why she’s still there. She also explains that she could move to Arlington.

And with that we cut to Kaitlyn who really feels that he’s telling Becca good-bye. She feels guilty for feeling happy that someone else is going home, but she’s excited that she could get to the end with Chris.

Smash-cut to Chris and Becca walking back into the ceremony area hand-in-hand. Whitney is surprised because she feels that Becca is very different from her.

“I think she’s young. I think she lacks life experience, and I don’t know if she’s ready for this,” Whitney explains. I agree 100%. I think Chris is getting wrapped up in the romance of the show with Becca. She’s not a realistic choice.

As he picks up the first rose, the dramatic music crescendos. He calls Whitney first. Obviously. And then that last rose goes to…BECCA. IT’S BECCA YOU GUYS. HOLY CRAP. I was mostly not expecting that. He’s such an idiot.

Kaitlyn is very hurt and visibly shaken. Becca tries to reach out a hand to her, and Kaitlyn declines it. Like a boss.

They make the very long walk out of the temple so Chris can finally hug her and tell her he’s sorry. Kaitlyn asks what happened, and Chris just talks about how hard it was for him and how excruciating it was for him and how HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S THE RIGHT DECISION. What a piece of shit. Also a rooster LOUDLY crows in the middle of Chris making it all about him. Sure, Chris. Keep talking about how hard this is FOR YOU as you break the heart of a real live woman on TV. That rooster crowing signifying YOUR BETRYAYL, JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE.

Poor Kaitlyn. I actually enjoyed her for the most part. She was a real person with a personality and not a Bachelor robot. Well folks, on that happy note, we’re off until next week with the Women Tell All! Won’t that be fun? It really will be. Nothing I love quite like the Women Tell All. And also, I feel that with Kaitlyn’s fun-loving personality and big-time heartbreak, she could be well posed to be the next Bachelorette.

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

WOW. QUICK TURN AROUND. We’re already onto the next episoderight after I posted the last recap. I thought about posting everything all at once, but that’s a lot of pressure. So I didn’t. You get it.

Anyways! Once again, we still have a Rose Ceremony to get through in Iowa to determine who the other three women with hometown dates will be.

Oh my God. Just kidding. Becca has a one-on-one date in Des Moines today. I can’t believe they’re putting us through this. Chris has a chill date with her at the loft he’s staying in. They have a detailed discussion about how Becca’s never been in love before, but that she really feels a strong connection with Chris. They feel strongly for each other but are excited to have more time to figure out their relationship. They watch the sunset from his rooftop and kiss a lot. Quick and painless.

In the hotel suite, the women are sitting around and talking about the Show Down Blow Down from the night before when Britt walks in. She tells the other girls that she has packed her bags and will most likely leave before the rose ceremony the next night. They are surprised because she has such a strong connection to let one rose blow it all.

Britt explains that it’s not as “petty” as just one rose, but rather that she had expressed that she could see herself as his wife and moving to Iowa. She starts to cry.  All the other women are just blankly looking at her because that is what you do on this show. You tell the guy you could envision being his wife and then maybe he doesn’t pick you first. And maybe he doesn’t pick you at all. Britt is just functioning from a delusional place about how this show works. It’s a cracked situation to be sure, but that’s the whole crux of the show. You open up to a man who has all the power and never know where you stand with him.

Britt feels the antagonism of the other women and continues to cry. She leaves the room to cry more, and the women essentially agree that if she really wants to leave, to just leave. Get out and save everyone the drama.

As the women gather in their Modest Ass Suite to assemble for the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony, Chrarrison enters to break the news that there will be no cocktail party. Britt is freaking out because she needed the cocktail party to tell Chris she was going home. Jade is worried because she needed the cocktail party to tell Chris that she did nude modeling. Whatever will happen?!

They assemble at a beautiful mansion for the cocktail party. Chris starts in on his speech about how he’s truly falling in love and believes in the process, but that the decisions he had to make this week were the hardest yet. And just then, Britt interrupts him to pull him aside to talk for “like two seconds.”

Here we go.

As soon as she leaves the room, the women are up in arms. Kaitlyn explains that Britt can’t stand the thought that he might reject her, so she wants for him to beg her to stay or to get the final word and leave before he can dump her. Preach, Kaitlyn! Even Whitney is upset by how selfish she’s being because they are all feeling the same emotions as her. Again, selfish in terms of the show, not real life. Never mistake this show for real life.

But don’t worry, Chris gets to actually shut Britt down all on his own. She is just trying to apologize and be so earnest with him about the other night, and she asks if he has anything to say in reply to her. He doesn’t really but she pushes. And finally he reveals that her behavior just confirmed things he’d heard from other women in the house about Britt being not the most honest person.

Britt then demands to know who said those things. “Was it Carly?” she asks.

“Does it matter?” Chris replies. Britt insists that it does, but Chris doesn’t budge. From that point on it’s all downhill. Britt is scrambling to get ground and a word in edgewise, but Chris plows through ending it all with. “The way Carly reacted was what I would want in my future. And the way you reacted disrespected myself and everyone around you, and that’s something that I don’t want for a wife.”

BOOM. Wow. So Chris still sent her home on his own terms, but he’s still rattled by the whole ordeal. Britt walks out and immediately starts uncontrollably sobbing and sits in the dirt and leaves. Carly is triumphant, but Britt feels so betrayed by Carly. We will be seeing more on that dynamic at the Women Tell All, mark my words.

But Britt, you can’t blame Carly for the way you threw a temper tantrum at Chris for not getting your way. At the end of the day, you dug your own grave on that one.

After composing himself, Chris comes back into the room to explain what happened. He says it was for the best and thanks the people who spoke up about Britt because it only confirmed the suspicions that he was already having.

Whitney gets the first rose (obviously), then Becca, and then Jade gets the final rose. Which means our dear Carly is going home. Carly ultimately got too caught up in the Britt Situation where she should have forged ahead with her relationship with Chris. But I stand by what I said that Carly deserves better than Chris Soules. I wish her the best and look forward to seeing her at the Women Tell All.

The women are sad to see her go. Carly is so upset to be back in the place she feels she always is, but she will overcome. If what you wanted was to feel wanted and like a priority, the Bachelor was not the place to go methinks.

With Carly sent on her way, we move into the Hometown Dates.

We start out in Shreveport (TRUE BLOOD!!!!), Louisiana with Becca. Becca is so beautiful it’s stupid. She is sweet, but is there anything there? We spent so much time focusing on everyone else that I don’t know much about Becca other than her being a virgin. Seems like a great way to generalize a woman’s personality: virgin. Cool. Modern. Feminist.

As they canoe through the bayou, Becca warns Chris that this is the first time she’s ever brought someone home to meet her family. Chris gets very nervous. Becca assures him that he’ll be fine because her feelings for him are real.

“Even though I’ve never been in love before, I’m assuming it starts with the feelings I’m feeling right now,” Becca tells us. She seems like she has a lot of depth.

Becca’s big Louisiana family welcomes Chris with open arms. I can tell right away that Becca’s older sister Katie is going to be trouble.

To wit, Katie pulls Chris aside right away to shoot straight about his feelings for her sister. She starts the conversation by saying how surprised she was that Becca let him touch her knee.

“Becca’s not an intimate person by any means,” she explains. Oh, ok. Cool, cool. Seems like something that is definitely your place to share.

Chris sits down with Becca’s mom next, and she reiterates a lot of the same feelings that Katie impressed upon Chris. The whole conversation can be summed up in her mom’s parting words of, “Don’t break my daughter’s heart. Be sweet. Be tender.” Gross. Bye!

Meanwhile, Becca and Katie are talking about how Chris doesn’t yet know that she’s waiting until marriage to have sex. They come to the decision that waiting until the Fantasy Suite would be a good moment to share her decision with him, and that if all else, they can use the Fantasy Suite to just have some quality time and order room service.

“But the sugar donut is all the treat you’ll be having tonight,” Katie jokes of what Becca might say to Chris in the most disgusting way possible to say “no sex for you.” So odd.

Then it’s time for Chris to leave, and Becca doesn’t want him to go. As they’re kissing good-bye, Chris whispers, “Can I tell you a secret? You’re coming with me.” Why is this whole date tinged with creepiness?

They go to the State Fair to ride the Ferris Wheel. They make out a ton. Becca thinks she’s officially falling in love. The end.

Next up we’re in Chicago for Whitney’s hometown date. They are claiming to be in Chicago, but it’s really some outlying suburb. Instead of giving Chris a tour of the city, she is giving him a tour of her life.

“So what do you say we go make a baby?” she winks. Normally I’d groan and be sick to my stomach but I find Whitney’s exuberance to be genuine and contagious? What’s happening to me?

Chris is blown away to see how passionate Whitney is about her job and how smart she is. She shows him all the parts of how they do what they do at the fertility clinic. She even shows Chris the “Man Room” where they get the male specimen. It’s all very tongue in cheek and they are giggling the whole time. It is high comedy.

Before they go see Whitney’s family at a cool apartment downtown, Chris makes sure to ask Whitney which member of her family he should ask to get their blessing in marriage. It’s actually a really nice gesture. Whitney tells him she’d like him to ask her older sister.

They head inside to meet her family. It’s her older sister Kimberly, her brother-in-law, her Uncle Johnny, and her adorable grandma. There’s someone else there too that was not introduced to us, so that’s weird.

Uncle Johnny and Chris talk together, and Chris seems much more passionate about Whitney and who she is than he was with Becca. Uncle Johnny describes her as a perfect combination of vulnerable yet strong. Chris loves that.

Then we see Kimberly and Whitney having a very real discussion that’s not at all rehearsed. They are arguing, really, about whether or not Kimberly will give Chris her blessing to propose to Whitney. Whitney wants a proposal from him, but Kimberly is not willing to give her blessing with three other women still in the competition. She doesn’t feel comfortable with that, but Whitney wouldn’t feel comfortable saying yes to him without her permission.

Whitney is really emotional and completely understands why Kimberly is so protective with both their parents being gone at a relatively early age. And Kimberly explains to Chris her feelings exactly when he does ask. She explains that she doesn’t want her sister to be one of four, she wants her to be the One to guarantee that he could take care of her the way she does, the way their mom did.

“I want that for her, so call me when you have that for her,” Kimberly says. I think that’s a fair compromise. Whitney is upset to hear that’s the way the conversation went, but Chris tells her that he’s ok with that.

Then to reveal to Chris that she’s fallen in love with him, she shows him a bottle of wine. She bought it in Napa a few years ago, and it was very expensive. But she bought it and told herself that she would share it with the man she wanted to marry. So they share it together. Chris kisses the crap out of her to show his appreciation for that. Whitney feels great about where they are and great about where they could be once the show ends. Me too, frankly. I’ve said it from day one: Whitney makes sense for Chris.

Next up is Kaitlyn in Phoenix, Arizona. Her family is from Alberta, Canada but winter in Arizona, so that’s where they’ll be meeting. How very posh!

She meets Chris is a dirty back alley and man is he worried about that HA HA HA! But they move right into a cool recording studio. So they AREN’T having their date in an alley. Hoo. That was rich. They are going to be laying down some sweet rap tracks. I would rather strangle myself with a live eel than watch this. But here I am.

Watching them recall different things they did so they can write a “rap” hurts me in my soul. Kaitlyn is having a blast because he takes it so seriously. One of the lines is “family means everything and so does an engagement ring.” I WANT TO DIE. I can only imagine the twisting of disgust in the pit of the producer’s stomach that is helping them record. Chris is SO bad at rapping and they are RUINING this art form.

They have fun with it though. I’m glad someone enjoyed that experience.

We finally get to her family and they are SUPER Canadian. We meet Kaitlyn’s mom, step-dad, dad, step-mom, and her sister. Chris then explains how glad he is that even though her parents are divorced, they’ve found a way to make family work.

“It definitely shows me that even in an unconventional family, there’s still a lot of love and support,” he says.

And then I paused Hulu so I could scream at the TV: UNCONVENTIONAL? UNCONVENTIONAL? OH, WOW, YES  DIVORCED AND REMARRIED PARENTS, HOW F***ING UNCONVENTIONAL! HOW RARE AND SPECIAL! OH AND WOW THEY STILL MANAGE TO LOVE EVEN THOUGH SOMEONE’S PARENTS ARE DIVORCED WHAT A F***ING SHOCK, YOU DULLARD PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, on this show makes me more enraged than the implication that children of divorce are somehow less capable of relationships. It drives me up the wall and statements like the one Chris just made are the root of all that. What an absolute, small-minded, piece of shit person thinks that divorced and remarried parents is unconventional in 2015? I don’t even know that we’d call Whitney’s family “unconventional” because THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS UNCONVENTIONAL FAMILIES. THERE’S JUST PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER AND MAYBE THEY’RE RELATED AND MAYBE THEY’RE NOT BUT JESUS CHRIST, BACHELOR, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL.

Anyhoodle, back to the date. The date starts off very well because Kaitlyn’s “unconventional” family is so warm and welcoming. Her mom is especially thrilled to have Chris there.

Kaitlyn’s mom pulls her aside to chat about the standard mom concerns that even though Kaitlyn is falling in love, she has to be careful because he could break her heart.

As they leave the house, Kaitlyn sets Chris up to see something. She’s very nervous about being so vulnerable. Chris turns around to see a digital billboard lit up that says “Kaitlyn <3 Chris”. Remember when he did that for Andi last season with a plane? It’s a way of letting her guard down to tell him she loves him and to still be cute. It’s fine, I guess.

In Gary, Nebraska, the dark cloud hanging over Jade is both figurative and literal. She really wants to tell Chris about her modeling for Playboy, and is also worried her family might break it to him first. They get straight into the family visit portion.

As Chris talks with Jade’s dad and then her brothers, they are all hinting towards a secret that Jade has. Chris is starting to get worried because they are all not so subtly hinting about how she is a “wild mustang” and a “free spirit”. Her brother Zack is also just concerned about Jade’s willingness to move to Iowa.

“I feel like she’s a hot mustang, but I don’t know about a wild side,” Chris says as he tries his hand at a joke. Again, stop.

After the family date, Jade and Chris have a chat about how Chris doesn’t understand why they keep referring to this wild side he hasn’t seen. Jade takes this opportunity to tell Chris about her modeling for Playboy. She feels like she’s been harshly judged in the past, but explains that she was just going through a time of being free and taking chances at new opportunities. She then comes clean and tells him that she posed nude for the magazine.

Chris is speechless and graceless in handling this. Jade asks to show him some pictures and he just shrugs that if it’s going to make her feel better, then sure. He’s very uncomfortable and feels very strange about it.

He’s being super judgmental of her and everything she’s showing him.

“Jade seemed like a very innocent, somewhat shy girl. I would never have expected something like this to be a part of her past,” Chris tells the cameras. Ok. Sure. Surprising is fine, but I still feel like he’s being really condescending towards her in the interviews. He tells her to feel fine about it, but I don’t think he means it.

“I know you for who you are as a person, and I respect you,” he tells her. And yes, he should listen to that. She is a person not just someone who posed nude. I don’t love Playboy because it is strictly and specifically for the male gaze, but Jade is an adult woman who can make her own decisions about what to do with her body. Prizing “innocence” is such a lie, so I hope he doesn’t let this color how he views her though I know he probably will.

For the rose ceremony this week, everyone gathers in Dubuque, Iowa. The Iowa Tourism Board really won the lottery with this whole dog and pony show. Chris calls Whitney first because now that Brit is gone, we can all agree that she is the front-runner in this thing. Then he calls Kaitlyn, and lastly he calls Becca.

Which means that Jade is going home. Is it necessarily because of what she shared with him this week? No, probably not. But did that color that big dumb goon’s perspective of what was already a relationship not advancing quickly enough? Certainly.

Jade is upset to be leaving, but once again, I have to urge her to see the forest through the trees that she deserves way better than that guy. She’s beautiful and quiet but astute and she deserves great love not some farmer whose face is currently the color of my favorite boots.

Oh wow. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me and for the contestants. I’m excited to move towards the Fantasy Suite dates to see if anyone pulls ahead farther than Whitney. And frankly, who among these remaining women could be the next Bachelorette? I don’t know if I have seen her yet.

UNTIL THEN, JOURNEYERS! AU REVOIR! 

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

“I’m gonna frickin’puke…or cry,” – Carly, Cruise Ship Singer

I will not be recapping the Chris Tells All special becausewhat is there to tell, really? There is not much. There is not much to Chris and not much inside Chris’s burnt umber colored head, so there is not much to tell from inside it. We also get to hear Kelsey’s side of the story to which I say a hearty, “NO THANK YOU.” And Andi will be here to rip open the fresh wound from her split with Josh. It’s an hour of my life I wish I had back, frankly, so I won’t put you through it as well.

I will however be putting you through the remaining four hours of The Bachelor I watched this week. I will be recapping the full episodes, which starts back in Deadwood, South Dakota with the rose ceremony. I’m two glasses of wine deep already. We’ll see how this goes.

At the rose ceremony, Chris does have a little cocktail party to give all the women one last chance to speak their minds with him. And in his time with Megan, she asks him bluntly how he feels about her and if their relationship is at the same level with the others. Chris shoots her straight and basically tells her no. And she goes home right there and then. No rose ceremony for her. Megan is beautiful and sweet, and gives one of the most graceful exit interviews yet. Take luck, Megan, you sweet, simple baby!

Despite Megan going home already, there’s still a rose ceremony to go through. Chrarrison breaks the news that yet one more woman will be leaving the pack tonight. Chris and Chrarrs step aside to have an intimate discussion, but before they even sit down, Chris stops Chrarrs to say he doesn’t think he can do this.

“I have such a strong connection with each of the women in there,” Chris says.

The women are all freaking out that one more person will still be leaving. Carly is especially nervous, and when Kaitlyn asks how she’s doing Carly replies, “Like I’m gonna frickin’ puke…or cry.” WHAT A GEM! Haven’t we all felt just that way so many times? Like we’re gonna frickin’ puke or cry? I know that I’ve done both at the same time before! So this is a fair assessment of one’s emotions, Carly.

Just then, Chris comes back in the room to announce that there will in fact not be a rose ceremony tonight. The women heave a collective sigh of relief. Chris then tells all the women that they will be traveling to Iowa for the next week. The way they react is as if Tyra just told all the remaining models that they’re going to Sydney or Beijing. But it’s not Sydney or Beijing, it’s IOWA. Not that Iowa is the scourge of the Earth exactly, but I’m not stoked out of my mind to go there.

The girls are staying in Des Moines and are surprised that Iowa actually has trees and is pretty. The girls are staying in a VERY Modest Ass Suite, and are all freaking out about two things. The first is that next week is hometowns which means the pressure is mounting to really forge your connection with Chris aka tell him you're falling in love with him. The second is that this is Chris’s hometown date, essentially, and the pressure is on to find enjoyment here and really picture yourself spending your life here. If you told me I had to spend the rest of my life in Des Moines, I could probably muster through and find a way to thrive. But Arlington? ARLINGTON? IT IS A NOTHING PLACE WITH ZERO TOPOGRAPHY BECAUSE IT WAS FLATTENED BY A GLACIER DURING THE PREVIOUS ICE AGE. I MEAN I ASSUME IT WAS MUCH LIKE THE REST OF MY GLACIAL FLATLAND HOME STATE OF ILLINOIS. I WOULD DIE. I WOULD JUST WITHER AWAY LIKE A RAISIN IN THE SUN. DOES THAT WORK IN THIS SCENARIO? I DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT FEELS RIGHT. SORRY LANGSTON, IF I’M TAKING THAT TOO FAR OUT OF CONTEXT AND USING ONE OF YOUR MOST FAMOUS LINES IN A RECAP OF THE BACHELOR, BUT IT’S MY TRUTH.

Brit finds the very first date card, and it goes to Jade. It reads simply, “Join me in my hometown.” All the women are impressed with how much this means. There is a beauty in the farm stretching for miles and miles down the road, and yet, and yet…it’s all corn. Jade is overwhelmed by how much corn she’s seeing despite being from Nebraska. She acknowledges that being from a small town doesn’t put her “too much in the clouds” about the romanticism of small town life.

Chris shows Jade all around his house. “Chris’s house definitely has a bachelor feel…It’s not too bad, just needs a little tweaking,” she giggles.  Like, maybe, perhaps, and I’m just spit-balling here, a single thing to hang on the walls. And maybe, again, just a suggestion, ANY color other than grey, white, or shades of beige. Chris’s house is fifty shades of beige. 

I am never going to apologize for that joke.

Back at the Very Modest Ass Suite, Whitney gets the second one-on-one which will go down in Des Moines. The other women are very jealous, especially Brit. Brit was jealous of Jade because she gets to go really see Arlington, and she’s still very jealous of Whitney for getting a chance to spend so much time with him. She’s overcome with jealousy.

Chris, on the other hand, is giving Jade the most depressing tour in the history of the world. He’s showing her around the dilapidated remains of downtown Arlington and talking about how machines replaced people in the work force and how every shop in town is closed. There’s even a little “shop” that opens in the morning where his dad gets coffee and it’s just a guy who brews coffee and has people over to drink coffee. It’s like looking at those Dorthea Lange photos of the Dust Bowl, but on ABC during prime time.

Jade is horrified, but is trying to make Chris feel better about the place he comes from.

“Arlington just feels like this little ghost town,” she says. And as she’s waxing poetic about how deserted the whole town feels, they motorcycle over to the local high school to watch the football game. Everyone is there. It’s…grim. I want to tell you it feels just like Dillon, Texas and Friday Night Lights, but it. Does. Not.

Then Jade gets to meet Chris’s parents standing in the bleachers. WHAT ON EARTH? I remember really loving Chris’s mom, but I still feel so weird about this date. The sad poetry of the band playing the national anthem very poorly, as directed by a man with a ponytail, and filled out by members of the football team still in gear and playing trumpets…it’s…I mean…wow.

As if the football game wasn't enough, they then take a tour of the high school. Jade reveals that she was a bit of a rebel in high school and had a tough time. Chris is surprised by this and really wants to see that wild side she’s referring to. Jade almost tells Chris about something secret from her past but doesn’t quite. Then they make out in front of the lockers by his old English classroom.

“What we were doing had nothing to do with English,” Chris says, “It felt a lot more like French.” I wish this show wouldn’t try to forge moments of comedy. They’re already there.

It’s a beautiful, sunny morning in Des Moines, and Chris and Whitney are excited to spend the day together. He takes Whitney to an art gallery because apparently Des Moines is into Art, and Chris wants to get into art too. They go through a gallery of photographs about love to get them inspired to “make their own art” around the city documenting their love. Barf no thank youuu. Whitney loves it though and sees it as a great opportunity to kiss.

In the Very Modest Ass Suite, a storm’s a brewing as per usual. Jade tells the other women about her date and when she gets to the part where they kissed in the football field to a chanting crowD, Britt puts on a big show about that making her cry. Carly is not amused. Carly says, “Britt thinks she’s the Bachelorette and she needs to be number one.” I don’t know if that’s true, but Britt certainly likes attention. Then Carly convinces all the other girls to go on a road trip to Arlington to see the reality of life there and what that might mean. It’s a full three hours away from Des Moines too which is a solid road trip distance.

As the car ride drags on, the girls’ enthusiasm dwindles. They arrive in deserted Arlington and are stunned to find that “that’s it.” They drove through in just a few seconds. There’s nothing more to the town than what they see, and they are distraught. There is nothing open in town whatsoever. They even resort to asking some locals where to eat. A nice, older man in a Call of Duty shirt (who ends up being the town pastor) tells them there’s nowhere in Arlington to eat. Britt is overwhelmed by just how small the town is.

Back in Des Moines, Chris and Whitney get dinner in a hip restaurant. Whitney even gets to meet three of Chris’s best friends. She feels so lucky to get to meet his friends and see Chris how he would be if they spend their lives together. Whitney answers all their questions with flying colors.

The women return to Des Moines to tell Jade that she was right. Arlington is small and depressing. Britt, despite her earlier protestations, has decided that she could in fact see herself there because the sunset was so beautiful. Carly doesn’t buy that one little bit; no she does not. Carly is flabbergasted at how “fake” Britt is being because earlier in the day, Britt had told Kaitlyn and Carly how there is no way she could survive in Arlington. Now she’s singing a very different tune, and Carly is miffed.

I think what we have here with Carly is a multi-faceted situation. I think, firstly, Carly is entertaining. She gives a great sound byte and is funny and entertaining without trying too hard. I also think that Carly is suffering from good old fashioned jealousy here. Knowing Carly’s insecurities, and relating to them personally myself, I can see how a lot of this anti-Britt sentiment might actually just be resentment and jealousy of the connection Britt obviously shares with Chris. We also have the unseen producers playing a hand in all this drama. I’m unsure how much of it is real, and how much is being amplified by the urging of and editing by the producers.

Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn are going on a group date together. “I see our future together,” reads the date card. Carly’s anti-Britt sentiments really take a turn for the insane when she draws a little face on her hand and makes it talk like Britt. “After tomorrow, the only thing you’re going to be left with is your rose colored lipstick,” Carly threatens to her own hand. It’s a bonkers move, to be sure, but I again have to question whether this was Carly’s brainchild or at the behest of the producers.

Whitney and Chris’s date is still happening for anyone who cares. She was great. Chris loved it. She loved it. Who cares? Those two will take care of themselves. One important thing to note is that Whitney tells Chris that she doesn’t have a relationship with her father at all, and that her mother died tragically. She tells the story without begging for sympathy or being maudlin. It’s impressive. I really like Whitney. Chris does too. He’s so impressed by her at every turn.

The final surprise of the date is that Chris (the producers) chose his favorite picture of their day to get slapped on the wall outside of the restaurant as a mural. It looks better than just a photo pasted on a wall, there are some blocks of color and they are outline in black and white. Whitney is blown away, and Chris is quite proud of himself (the producers).

“This is the most amazing moment of my entire life,” Whitney gushes. She and Chris kiss a bunch. And in this moment, Whitney believes she’s officially in love with Chris.

Jade is starting to be really weighed down by a secret she has, so she sets out to get the weight off her shoulders. She decides to confide in our trusty friend Carly and ask for advice on how to talk to Chris about it.

“A couple years ago, I did some nude modeling for Playboy,” Jade reveals.

A big fat, “Really?” is all we get out of Carly. The conversation actually goes as well as one could hope. Jade’s main concern is that Chris finds out from her so she can explain everything, rather than him finding out through some other means. She’s also very concerned about his family’s reaction and that they don’t judge her too harshly for the decisions she made in the past.

Now it’s time for the very last group date of the season. Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt are surprised by Chris standing at center ice of an ice rink in a huge stadium. The group date rose is what everyone is most concerned with, but I’m concerned with the fact that Britt seems to have lost the bottom half of all her shirts. Does she own any shirts that aren’t crop tops? Isn't her midriff always cold? 

They all skate around very poorly and try to play hockey. Chris is very, very bad at skating. It’s delightful to watch that giant man fall over and over again. But after the fun, we get to see Britt’s one-on-one time with Chris.

They stand on an intricate pedestrian bridge over the river as Britt reveals that they snuck away to Arlington the day before. Carly and Kaitlyn are griping back on the ice about how they know she’s probably lying her face off right now to Chris about liking the broke-ass small town he’s from.

We see Britt telling Chris how the sunset over the cornfields made her fall in love with the idea of living there. And we see Carly hamming it up pretending to be Britt saying she “really loved it!” The parallel structure of Carly mocking Britt and then Britt doing exactly those things is pretty fun. We can’t blame Carly for bringing some much needed entertainment factor here.

“He’s just getting lies fed to him like frickin’ candy,” Carly says.

I don’t think Britt realizes she’s lying. Her story has stayed the same from yesterday to today of saying that at first she was really not ok with how small a town it was, and then the beauty of nature changed her mind. I think she thinks that’s true. But she is over-romanticizing it. The reality is that Arlington IS that small, and there is NOTHING to do there. She will very quickly get slapped back into that reality no matter how many beautiful sunsets you can see from the farm.

But Carly is convinced that Brit is just playing Chris. She thinks Britt is straight up lying to him and being “fake.” She’s so convinced of this, in fact, that she decides to confront Chris about it. To which I say NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO PLEASE! WE SAW JUST LAST WEEK HOW IT NEVER PAYS TO BE THE WHISTLE BLOWER ON SOMEONE ELSE. Carly just worry about Carly! Don’t get so caught up in what Britt’s doing!

But she does. As soon as Carly and Chris sit down, she tells him everything about how Britt said she could never picture herself living there and then changed her tune so drastically. She then gets choked up saying, “I’m just really freaked out for you because I know you like her a lot, so just be careful.”

Chris thanks her for this and confides to camera that he takes seriously what Carly said.

“It was a real bomb what Carly just dropped,” he says. Chris determines to ask Britt about Arlington one more time to really see whether or not she’s lying.

Cut to the cocktail party held at a very cool antique salvage store/coffee shop into which the set dressers planted their myriad Pier 1 lanterns. Would you venture to believe that Britt is wearing a crop top? She is! Believe it!

Chris and Britt steal away first, with Chris set on confronting her about the Arlington Issue. Britt describes what a hometown date with her family might look like with everyone eating off paper plates in the living room. See? Britt’s family is just like as cool and chill and so offbeat as Britt. They like, aren’t like other families.

This time, when determining the validity of another woman’s statements, Chris does not throw Carly under the bus. He does some surprisingly good sleuthing by asking Britt again what her very first impression of his town was. She gives some cutesy answer like “is this the town before the town?!” He prods a little farther asking if at any point she was like, “Holy s**t, no way.”

To which Britt responds, “No. I was never like that but there was a shock factor.” So right there she reveals to Chris that she is lying. Because he trusts Carly, as do I, that Britt said something along the lines of “there’s no way I could live here” to both Kaitlyn and Carly.

So Chris knows she’s lying, BUT WHAT WILL HE DO WITH THAT INFORMATION. Nothing it turns out because Britt then says, “No matter where I am I wanna be a mom.” So Chris kisses her and they do a lot of gross, smacky kissing.

Kaitlyn proves to be very astute in saying that she doesn’t think Britt is lying to Chris so much as lying to herself about what she wants. Glad to know you agree with me Kaitlyn. We’re on the same page. Kaitlyn gets pulled away next and is determined to not be distracted by Britt. She reveals that she’s having a hard time because she knows they have a connection, but wants to make sure they are in a good place going forward. I like this honest, emotionally vulnerable look on her.

Chris does too, and so he goes to grab the date rose. Chris wants Kaitlyn to feel secure in the connection they have going into Hometowns. That is the most cliché Bachelor sentence in the world, and yet, it happened. This show is a parody of itself.

But, uh oh, don’t get too happy just yet. The dramatic music in a minor key starts up as we pan over the look of fury plastered upon Britt’s face. Britt pissed, y’all.

Britt pissed.

Britt so pissed she flipping her hair and cracking her knuckles and interrupting her fellow contestants as well as Chris. There is a siren blaring in the background to perfectly accent the temper tantrum she’s throwing.

And then Britt starts in on a rant about how she felt the day went really well for her and she opened herself up so much and she is really in a vulnerable place and how could Chris NOT give her the rose after saying how much she wanted him to meet her family? DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

She continues though! She then goes on about how she doesn’t want to feel like she’s second, third, or fourth place to anyone. She wants to feel that her husband puts her at number one. She wants to make sure that her husband really, really wants her above anyone else.

AGAIN, DOES BRITT NOT KNOW HOW THE SHOW WORKS?

THAT’S THE SHOW BRITT. IT ISN’T JUST YOU. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THERE DATING THE EXACT SAME GUY, SO SOME DAYS, YOUR “FUTURE HUSBAND” WANTS ANOTHER WOMAN MORE THAN YOU BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS A FABRICATION AND BASTARDIZATION OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Chris fumbles through a defense of his actions, but is ultimately confused by what Britt’s saying to him.

“Like, if you feel like you don’t want to be here anymore? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m picking up right now,” he says.

“What would you say to that? I mean just speaking to me,” Britt replies. Carly is sitting directly next to Britt on the couch and keeps having to avert her eyes from the beyond uncomfortable situation playing out before her.

I’ve never seen something quite like this happen on the show before.

Chris continues to stumble through that he’s just confused by the position Britt is trying to put him in by saying these things. But then he really finds his ground.

“I don’t know what else there is to say. And out of respect to Carly and Kaitlyn, I don’t think there’s really anything else I can say to you right now. This is just one more chapter in this whole entire journey, and there’s tomorrow. And so I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow. Goodnight.”

Chris basically drops the mic and walks out.

This once again leaves the three women alone to process through exactly what just happened. What DID just happen? Kaitlyn stands up for herself saying that what Britt just did made her feel really bad. Britt apologizes saying that wasn’t her intention and then just whines more about how she feels like she never gets the focus time and again.

Carly has had a few glasses of wine at this point and is exclaiming all her statements like, “You have so much focus on you! It was just you last week! You had all the focus!” and “If anyone should be worried here, it’s Carly Waddell.” Guys, I still love Carly. I want her to know she deserves better than the likes of Chris Soules.

As Carly and Kaitlyn catch the other girls up on the drama, Britt weeps to camera about how badly she feels for putting the other girls in the middle of that. She is still so unsure whether or not she wants to bring Chris home to meet her father.

I believe that Britt is feeling conflicted and feels bad about hurting the other girls. I think her personality is really affected and put-on, but I don’t think she’s a bad, manipulative person. I think Carly is being a bit of a Mean Girl in regards to the whole situation and she may have to atone for these actions at the Women Tell All.

And with that, I bid you a quick adieu because the next episode is about to start! WHAT?! IT’S TOO SOON. OH GOD.

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

WITH NO ADIEU WHATSOEVER WE JUMP RIGHT INTO WHERE WE LEFTOFF LAST WEEK WITH KELSEY ON THE GROUND IN HYSTERICS AND AN AUSTRALIAN EMT WITH WORLD’S LONGEST BRAID COMING TO HER AID.

Kelsey is breathing heavily and sobbing so loudly she might attract the coyotes. The other women are looking around with vague concern, but most are wondering how much of this is theatrics and how much is reality. They agree that she is a master manipulator.

As the EMT is asking how much pain she’s in on a scale of one to ten, and Kelsey responds that she’s not in any pain. She is sitting upright with an oxygen mask and looking around with her milk-saucer sized eyes. Someone asks if there’s anyone she can get for her (because none of the women are coming to calm her down or care for her) and Kelsey responds, so coolly, “Chris.” And looks around with a glint in those murderous milk-saucer eyes.

The women agree that she’s using this to manipulate Chris to make sure she gets a rose. Kelsey herself calls that out saying to one of the EMTs, “I’m definitely getting a rose tonight!”

Uhhh, I mean yeah probably, but this is a LOT of rigmarole to lure a man into starting a magnificent journey of love with you.  Chris comes in and gives some empty words of encouragement to her. Kelsey tries to blame it on the fact that Chris sharing their conversation from earlier surprised her.

While Kelsey settles back in amongst the women, she appears right as rain and downright proud of herself for snagging some extra time with Chris. Every other woman is not only highly suspicious but super annoyed with this whole “wounded widow” act Kelsey is putting on. Ashley jokes to camera to make sure they have paper work on the whole “widow” thing because she could just be making that up. Trust me Ashley; I have thought the same thing. That girl is rehearsed like a high school production of “Our Town”.

We still have to get to a rose ceremony. What’s fun is that you can tell how much all the women are shivering out in the cold on the patio of this New Mexico resort. Jade gets called first, then Kaitlyn, now Megan, then Becca, next is Ashley, and the final rose goes to Kelsey. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BUT YES BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT BUT NOOOOOOOOO.

This means the silent but alluring Samantha is going home as well as our twenty-one-year-old single mom Mackenzie. Oh Mackenzie, go home to Kale and begin to rebuild. You deserve so much better than Chris Soules. And Samantha, I mean, she wasn’t allowed to speak but have you SEEN HER? SHE’S DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. REBUILD, SAM, REBUILD! YOU WILL FIND A REAL CATCH BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT? YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE THE TIDE POOLS OF FIJI AT SUNRISE!

Ugh. We say goodbye to those gals, and hop onto plains to Deadwood, South Dakota for the week. It is beautiful and grand and as much like the old frontier as you can get in America. “This is where Wild Bill Hickok was killed. This is where Calamity Jane…did her business,” Chris tells us of historic Deadwood. Cool. Calamity Jane definitely did some business. That’s for sure, Chris.

The girls scream “Hello, Deadwood!” off the balcony of their Modest-Ass Suite. We had to yell “Hello, [Location]!!!” at some point, so why not in Deadwood, South Dakota I ask you?

Amidst all the nerves of the dreaded two-on-one that looms this week, Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Becca is beautiful and sweet, and thanks to editing, has been a dark horse up until this point. Kelsey is of course very displeased that she was not granted the highest honor of a one-on-one even though she EARNED IT.

Chris is excited for their date today, and he notes that Becca is the only remaining woman that he has not yet kissed. Becca is so beautiful and cute for this date in a little baggy sweater with black jeans action. Love it. Like her. They are going horseback riding! She’s super excited, and I would be too. There is just something that makes beautiful scenery viewed from horseback all the more majestic. Why is that?

But meanwhile, back at the ranch, Carly leads the discussion on what we don’t like about Kelsey. Now Carly, I love you girl, but this is a dangerous path on which you tread. It never pays to be the one to call someone else out on their shit. But with the encouragement of Kaitlyn and Whitney, when Kelsey sits down in the living room of the Modest-Ass Suite, Carly starts in.

Whitney opens up about her feelings about how uncomfortable it made her feel when Kelsey would randomly start laughing at the last rose ceremony which Kelsey flat out denies. Whitney diplomatically continues explaining how her actions on that night at the rose ceremony made her and the other women uncomfortable. Kelsey starts to cry as she explains just how emotionally vulnerable she was and how her thoughts were with Chris.

We move along from the rose ceremony drama to Carly flat out saying that what they see in Kelsey is very different from what Chris sees, especially regarding the way Kelsey can be so snide and mean with the other girls. I almost believe Kelsey when she tells them that she doesn’t know what they mean and is so sorry for having accidentally hurt their feelings.

Straight cut to her explaining to the cameras that she was “blessed with eloquence” and is “educated” and uses “big words” which intimidates the women. Yes, Kelsey, that’s it.  You’re just too smart. You’re too smart for all these other ninnies. This is the way to get ahead. Cut down all the other women down around you. She ends the talk by saying, “I’m really glad we had this conversation. I will really try to be more mindful.” And she ends her talking-head by saying that she didn’t go through all her “sh*t” to be defeated by petty women, oh no. “I came here to win,” she says.

Believe it or not, there’s still a date going on out there somewhere in South Dakota! Chris and Becca approach a little bonfire and couch set-up, about which Becca asks, “Is this for us?” If I had a donut for every time a woman on this show asked “is this for us?” about a blatantly obvious set-up for just two people on a date, I would easily have three bakers’ dozens of donuts. That’s 39 donuts.

Becca and Chris giggle a lot together and interview each other about their five year plans! WHAT FUN. WHAT A FUN DATE QUESTION. They talk about kids and other typical Bachelor crap like past relationships. Being able to open up to Chris is significant for Becca! She really wants Chris to kiss her now that they’ve grown closer. Chris gives her the rose through a fit of giggles and kisses her like she’s his grandma in church. But Becca comes back in for the kill and really hardcore macks him on the second try. Way to go girl.

Group date time! The women WANT to be on this card because if they aren’t, it’s the dreaded two-on-one. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan are on the group date. They breathe a sigh of relief as Kelsey and Ashley realize they are left on the two-on-one. Ashley is excited to be challenged with defeating Kelsey, while Kelsey feels like it’s just a one-on-one because he’ll send Ashley home right away.

For the group date, would you stretch your mind to believe that Chris is excited? The date card said, “Let’s make sweet music together,” so the women really hope they’re singing or dancing. Chris explains that he loves country music, and it’s a HUGE part of his life (yeah dude, Paul Simon’s a big part of mine but you don’t see me FORCING MY SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO LISTEN TO “ST. JUDY’S COMET” AND WEEP WITH ME ALL THE TIME). They are going to be making some country music, and they’ll be helped along the way by Big and Rich. They are embarrassing to look at. Whitney is thrilled out of her mind. This is the duo that brought “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” to the dj’s of high school dances all around the country. So now you know how to find them and possibly destroy them. They must atone.

Carly is super excited to be part of this date as she is a singer herself. I hope that actually works in her favor because the girl or guy who is like, “THIS IS MY THIIIIING” on a date usually fades into the background while the underdog shines. The women peel off to start writing a song and wait for their consultation with Big and Rich. It’s so embarrassing to watch them pander to Big and Rich, and Big and Rich pretending to be cool with this whole situation and for the women to pretend to be excited about this. One of them, Big or Rich, whichever one looks like Tim Burton styled Tom Waits makes Jade run down the streets to free up her creative juices. The music is triumphant. I just….ugh.

Right as Jade is starting to feel confident about her song-writing skills, Chris walks in to have some very intimate time with Britt in the middle of the room with all the other women. He kisses her a bunch, and they were completely intertwined the whole time they were talking. The heat between the two of them is intense, while the general feeling in the room is chilly.

But let this Vaudevillian variety show of horrors begin! The women anxiously await their turn, but not to be outdone in embarrassment, Chris gets up and goes first with HIS song. He is accompanied by a grizzled old timey prospector on banjo. GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER IS THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. HE’S NOT WEARING A RING! GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!

Chris’s song rhymes and is about looking for a wife to bring home to Iowa. Seems about right. Next is Britt who is dressed just like Kelly Kapowski. Her song was really simple, and Chris says he almost cried during it. Like…what? Chris has boner goggles on for Britt and Britt alone. We see bits and pieces of everyone else’s songs. They’re mostly not great. Kaitlyn swears. But everyone gives it gusto. A for effort as they say. Carly’s song was intense and special because she sang it right to Chris as he sat next to her on the stage. Chris was really impressed with her lyrical content. Still love Carly.

Jade is wracked with nerves and is so sweet and timid up on stage. Her singing is not great, but she makes it through! She’s relieved to have merely survived.

They start the cocktail party with a toast to songwriting. The most notable thing about the party is that there is no rose present. Carly really, really wants the rose not just because she wrote a pretty song, but because in that song she opened up to Chris about how much she really feels for him. Everyone has their nice little chats with Chris, and then it’s time for Britt.

Chris explains the “weird chemistry” they have and how he doesn’t quite understand it yet. He then takes her hand and literally runs out of the bar with her saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you.” Is it your dong on a silver platter, Chris? It might as well be.

Everyone else on the date notices their exit right away. Emotions run high. Whitney cries a bit as she tells us that, “It honestly feels like we’re on the Britt and Chris show.”

The pair runs across the bustling town of Deadwood to the Big and Rich concert where they dance and have a splendid time. When the duo calls Britt and Chris up on stage, Britt parades around in awe and wonderment. Tim-Burton-Tom-Waits makes Chris go get a little special something for Britt. And it’s the rose. So, was this for Britt all along? Or was this just that Chris would take whoever he wants to the show and then they would get the rose? Either way, I think this is shady. Not telling the other women what the rules are and changing them in a big way. Chris and Britt dance around on stage in wild abandonment.

Over an hour later, as the women are still sitting around speculating as to what could have happened with Chris and Britt, the happy couple walk back into the room. It falls into complete, stony silence. Britt has the rose and the stares at it burn.

Things are complex, and dealing with all those feelings would be tough, so Chris says, “PEACE OUT!” I’m not kidding. He says, “Obviously, you can see that Britt has the rose.” And then makes the flimsiest of excuses as to how he thought it would be easier that way because of the high stakes of the date? What? No. He doesn't even mention the concert. And he just leaves. He just leaves Britt to fend for herself in this group of women. Bye, Chris! You are not a good person! You are not a nice man!

“I’m sorry. I feel so awkward right now,” Britt squirms.

Carly is wiping away tears as Kaitlyn explains, “We can’t help but feel humiliated.” And Jade objects to getting any sympathy from Britt. One by one they all stand up to leave and cry. They are all distressed to be in a situation where the connection between Chris and Britt is so strong that they feel they don’t even stand a chance. Kaitlyn feels like all the ground she made with Chris today can’t make up for what he and Britt have. Whitney falls prey to "compare and despair", saying that it’s hard to feel confident in what you have when you see someone as gorgeous as Britt having what she has with Chris.

Y’ALL READY FOR THIS? It’s the Ultimate Show-Down Two-on-One. The most dramatic Two-on-One in Bachelor History. I believe it. Ashley literally says that she is Glenda the Good Witch and Kelsey is the Wicked Witch of the West. Ashley is here to take Kelsey down. Kelsey is here to be really rude about who Ashley is as a woman. Kelsey is dressed like a Kohl’s mannequin from 2006.

When the girls first got their date card, it mentioned the Bad Lands and Kelsey freaked out. She explained to Ashley that they were currently in the Black Hill Mountains, but the Bad Lands are something different. Kelsey understands these important things and what they mean. Others are just simple plebes with nothing to do but despair at her greatness of intellect and worldliness.

Chris, ever the ding-dong, explains that today will be tough for him. The trio hops right into a helicopter because the producers are finally GIVING US WHAT WE CAME FOR.  They see Mount Rushmore, and Kelsey condescendingly explains who the faces are. Yeah, we know. Ashley firmly believes that Kelsey’s strategy today is to drive her insane.

“Literally? With this? I just. Can’t. Even,” Ashley says. Amazing, incredible moments like these are what this show is all about.

The helicopter drops them off in the middle of nowhere in the Bad Lands. It is truly a canopied bed in the middle of this geographically significant part of the country. It looks like Dorne.

Ashley and Chris split off first. They start by doing some gross, sloppy kissing. Chris asks how Ashley’s doing, and she takes the opportunity to completely trash Kelsey. She says she is the outlier in the group, and they are suspicious of her strategic moves with Chris. Don’t throw anyone under the bus because it only makes you look like the villain. It never works out well.

Chris thanks her for telling him and emphasizes that he wants to make sure his future wife gets along with other people and can “gel” in social situations. And with that, they return to the canopy bed to trade Ashley out for Kelsey.

Using the baiting question of how Kelsey is doing in the house, Chris tries to pry information out of her. Kelsey right away says that as emotions run higher, it’s harder and harder to maintain friendships with the other women he’s dating. Fair enough, but not to the point where everyone hates just one person and that one person is you, Kelsey.

She makes a speech of which I’m sure she’s very proud about how Chris needs to make sure that if he gets down on one knee, the woman he’s asking is ready to be a wife. But Kelsey is ready to be a wife because she’s been one. She says that. That is such a bizarre sentiment. Being “a wife” is different to different people and different relationships. That’s not like being a virgin and being a not. “Once a wife, always a wife” isn’t a thing.

Then Chris does what might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen someone on this show, or in life, do. He tells Kelsey that ASHLEY JUST TOLD HIM that the other women think she is fake. That the other women generally don’t like Kelsey very much. Kelsey is blind-sided and says she’s hurt. She ends their chat saying, “I would hate to lose all the potential there is between us because of girl talk.”

And then Kelsey starts walking back to the canopy bed of doom with poison in her eyes.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has WAY too much makeup on to be genuine,” Kelsey spits to camera. I mean, those are all true facts about Ashley, but Kelsey, your whole personality is such a production that of course they think you’re fake. “I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been married. I’ve lost the love of my life. I am a woman. And Ashley thinks she’s playing a game. And I’m not gonna forget that,” warns Kelsey.

Smash cut to Kelsey staring at Ashley with a look that can only be described as festering hatred. Kelsey looks at Ashley as though she is scalping the hair off her head and holding it high for all the Bad Lands to see. It’s straight up terrifying.

“I know what you did,” Kelsey finally says.

“What did I do?” Ashley snaps back.

“If you don’t remember your conversation with Chris then clearly it meant nothing to you,” retorts Kelsey.

Then Ashley starts firing off insults one after the other. And they’re good points, but she keeps saying “fricking” and “frigging” as filler, and it’s dulling their edge.

“Ok so I’m not from Pleasantville, but I’m from fricking two-thousand-fourteen,” she says, “You think you’re smarter than me because you use big words I can’t understand…You and I both have our masters degrees, and mines actually from someplace frigging good.”

But then Kelsey waits and says, “When I said last night that I was endeared to you and I respected you, I still mean that.”

“Ok,” Ashley says and then sulks away.

Yes, Kelsey, respect. That’s certainly what we’d call telling the camera that it’s time for Ashley to go home and play dress up just like she has for her whole life. Ah yes, the dress up she played in between getting an advanced degree? Woman can be more than one thing, Kelsey. They can be smart, and they can like makeup. They can wear pretty things and pursue higher learning. They can be specialized in a specific field but not have a huge vocabulary. There is no prescription for what it means to be a woman.

Ashley storms away to find Chris and starts sobbing to him about why on earth he told Kelsey what she said. Fair enough, because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL ONE WOMAN THE BAD THINGS A SPECIFIC OTHER WOMAN SAID ABOUT HER? HAS HE NEVER MET ANOTHER HUMAN PERSON BEFORE TO KNOW THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA? WHAT KIND OF BRAINLESS TIT THINKS THAT’S AN OK IDEA?

Chris does his best to comfort the sobbing Ashley, but his skills are incredibly limited. He’s not good at doing anything but farm, so it comes as no surprise that his comforting skills are minimal. To wit, he takes this opportunity to send Ashley home!

He says that ultimately their lifestyles are too different and that he and she are in different places in their lives. That’s true. Would Ashley really be happy living in the middle of nowhere Iowa? I don’t think so.

But Ashley decides to go down swinging. “Do you really think Britt wants that lifestyle? Do you really think Britt would fit into your life better than me?” she manages through sobs. Britt would not fit into Chris’s lifestyle. She’s a “waitress” in LA which means she’s trying to be an actress/model and last I looked, there weren’t too many modeling opportunities in Arlington, IA.

Ashley flies off the handle with dramatics and rejection-induced hysteria.  She storms away, and Kelsey smiles a smile that could kill a small animal. The women see Ashley’s suitcase leave and are crestfallen.

Chris approaches Kelsey on the Canopy Bed of Doom to tell her that Ashley left. Kelsey throws herself on him to comfort him and say, “It’s a loss.” But then the tide turns. Chris stutters and stumbles througha speech and manages to form the thought that he is going to have Kelsey go home too. THIS IS THE BEST.

Chris just doesn’t see it there between them. Kelsey is crying but says that it’s ok it isn’t her. Then Chris once again throws up the deuces and peaces out. Not literally, but he does get into a helicopter and flies away as the cameras cut to an INCREDIBLE shot of the two women on crying on different mounds of land in the Bad Lands looking up as the helicopter leaves. QUALITY STUFF.

Not only do we get that incredible shot, but we get to see the women explode in celebratory joy as they see Kelsey's suitcase ALSO picked up by a PA. They jump up and down and hug. Carly breaks open the pink champagne and everyone drinks in their delight. It's fun to watch them celebrate with abandon.

To conclude: Chris is not a nice guy and is stupid about how humans work! Next week we have a double feature on Sunday AND Monday nights. And would you believe that Monday night is already Hometowns? I surely cannot. I’ll see you there!

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

When you think of the Bachelor, as I often do, you may think of helicopters, roses, tropical locales, and fabricated romance that ultimately crumbles when harsh reality strikes upon the resulting couple. While you may think of the schmaltz, you probably don’t ever, ever think about late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. And you shouldn’t. For that would be an unholy matrimony of clownery meets clownery and would take your viewing experience right from the sublime to the ridiculous. I regret to inform you that this very thing has happened this week. Grab your alcoholic beverage of choice, because the Jimmy Kimmel takeover of the Bachelor is here.

The show opens with ominous music and a limo pulling up the mansion drive. Jimmy emerges in to awaken Chris in the week hours of the morning.

“What the f***?” is Chris’ immediate response. Over at the main house, Chrarrison has the ladies assembled and tells them to prepare for the new man in their life. And in trots Jimmy Kimmel.

Jimmy wastes no time in setting a new way of life here in the Bachelor mansion. First rule about the love club, is we do not say the word “amazing” in the love club. He has Chrarrison display a large jar into which each lady must place a dollar if/when she says “amazing” this week. I can’t disagree too much with this rule. Anyone on that show could stand to benefit from a quick flip through a thesaurus.

Jimmy and Chris also leave the first date card of the week.

“You’re gonna have a lot of fun, in fact I think this is going to be amazing,” he mugs as he puts a dollar right into the jar and leaves.

“With Jimmy Kimmel and the Bachelor combining, it’s going to be super awesome,” quips an unnamed blonde I don’t yet know. Ehhh, we’ll see.

“Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await,” Megan reads. Kaitlyn is very excited.

Neither Chris nor Kaitlyn knows exactly where they’re going, but everyone agrees that no matter what the date involves, it will be extravagant.

Cut to the limo pulling up in front of Costco.

I can’t.

Why? Why must this show try its hand at comedy? The Bachelor is the Bachelor and comedy and is comedy and never the twain shall meet unless the Bachelor stumbles into it unwittingly. THIS IS WHY KIMMEL BELONGS BEHIND THAT DESK MAKING CELEBS READ MEAN TWEETS ABOUT THEMSELVES. PUT KIMMEL BACK BEHIND THE DESK.

Kaitlyn is horrified and unimpressed. Get over it, Cananda. Costco is the best. That would probably be a fun place to go on a second date, if there weren’t a camera crew following you with planned hijinks. Also, what a slick way to shill memberships, Costco, AS IF I WEREN’T ALREADY SOLD ON YOUR LOW PRICES AND QUALITY OF PRODUCT.

Jimmy sets them off on a scavenger hunt of sorts to get food for dinner for all three of them tonight and a list of things to retrieve like beef jerky, size 33 jeans, an office chair, and “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” What spunky, ribald fun.  For dinner, an old lady recommends a cooked chicken, saying they’re “excellent”. AND SHE’S NOT WRONG. But they go with steaks which is also a good choice because Costco has a great meat selection.

Quick note, I am not endorsed by Costco. I do, however, come from a noble lineage of lovers and embracers of all things Costco. I kid you not one, tiny bit when I tell you that my father bought my sister and I matching copies of “Fabulous Food the Costco Way: The Costco Cookbook” for Christmas this year. Costco f***ing rules.

And because Costco f***ing rules, Chris should not be so surprised that he and Kaitlyn “actually” have fun there. He says he doesn’t know many women who could handle a date like that with “such class”. Really, Chris? It’s just having fun in Costco: the easiest thing in the world to do.

 Chris is proving to me word by word that he is a simple, boring man who has only ever known simple, boring women. With the limo full to the gills with their spoils, the couple heads back to Chris’ place to prepare the meal.

“Who needs helicopters when you have Costco?” Chris asks after all the prep work is done and he and Kaitlyn are just relaxing on the porch with some bourbon. They are so excited by how “normal” the date seemed without all the glitz and glamor of regular Bachelor dates. They share a kiss and laugh over how her laugh is like a man’s laugh and he has a woman’s giggle. That’s actually a fair point. They have good chemistry, so much so that they aren’t really looking forward to Jimmy Kimmel showing up. Me either, kids.

I feel like I should say that I don’t dislike Jimmy Kimmel; I just wish that we weren’t forcing this comedy like so much dried play-doh through the play-doh shape maker. While they grill steaks, he riffs on Kaitlyn liking beef. It’s dad-humor at best.

 “I specialize in making people uncomfortable,” Jimmy tells us about the hard-hitting questions he’s asking. “I think of myself as kind of a lubricant. Here to smooth things through,” he says. Such are the meager jokes one is able to cull from this set up.

“Let’s say…you find out that Chris has gone into the Fantasy Suite with three women and made sweet, sweet, sweet love to each of the women, including yourself, will you be angry at him?” he queries.

Kaitlyn picks steak out of her teeth with her tongue as she considers this. “No, I wouldn’t be,” she replies.

“Really?” an incredulous Jimmy asks.

“You can’t be!” she says, “It’s part of the process. You can’t buy a car without test driving it.” Ah, there’s that crass sense of humor from the first night I so cherish. Truly, what a night for comedy here on the Bachelor.

Chris just sits there giggling the whole time. He’s a bright man.

“Try to have sex with everyone,” Jimmy advises Chris who continues to giggle. If this were an interview on Kimmel, it might be acceptable, but as I am made to sit through several torturous minutes of it under the editing of the Bachelor producers, I am unamused.

The doorbell rings at the mansion as the next date card arrives. The “Amazing” Jar has quite the stack of dollar bills piling up inside. Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracey, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha (who?), Nikki, and Carly are all in. “Are you ready to meet the real party animals?”

Back on the date, Jimmy hands the date rose over to Chris and sits in the middle as Chris dedicates the rose to her and thanks her for a wonderful date. Jimmy gets in one dig that actually makes me laugh. After Chris gives a lame rose speech he says, “Oh wow, you really have a way with words…Are there people on the farm? Or just animals to talk to?” Chris is ready to see Jimmy and all his joke-making leave. After he does, he and Kaitlyn share many more fish-lipped kisses and some hot tub time.

Before the next group date begins, we get a lovely couple of minutes of watching Jillian work out in tiny purple shorts. She works out hard, and they once again place a black bar over her behind. This time I have to believe it’s just the producers having a laugh. Jillian really likes working out is what I took away from this segment.

The women arrive the next day with Jimmy and Chris at the Hoe-Down Throw Down. There is a series of five events in a farm-themed relay designed to prove what woman can grin and bear it the hardest at an event designed to make them miserable. Sounds about right.

There is the corn shucking test, the egg fry, the goat milk challenge where you milk a goat then drink said milk, a manure shoveling test, and finally a pig wrestling finale. What they say this is for, is to see if a woman can really get her hands dirty and tough it out on a farm. It’s really about us watching people desperately compete for approval from a man whose personality is that of a bowl of plain Greek yogurt.

Once again, Jillian’s shorts are so short that the black bar is back. She is struggling to get milk her goat, possibly due to her screaming at squawking that she can’t get it to stand still. Maybe screaming at an animal isn’t the best choice, Jillian. But as the milking progresses and the women have to drink it, they are becoming more disheartened. Kelsey is very grossed out by how warm it is. Amber tells the camera that she’s glad she didn’t have to drink it, saying, “The way Kelsey described it, it was salty and warm. Not something I like in my mouth.”

Now, folks, that was supposed to be a suggestive innuendo. The producers JUMPED on that double entendre hard and were thrilled to present it to us. And it’s fine. I, however, posit that Amber has no idea how food works because salty and warm are two of my favorite adjectives when it comes to food I put in my mouth. Your loss, Amber. Salty, warm things in my mouth for life!

In the manure challenge, Carly remains in the lead with Jillian and Kelsey close behind. Carly has strategy in her pig wrestling, and despite Jillian’s flashing hurdle over the pig pen fence, she comes in first prize. As her prize, she and Chris get to dress up and reenact American Gothic. None of the girls know what that is. This is also the second imagining of American Gothic we’ve seen this season.

The second half of the date is what else but a rooftop cocktail party in downtown LA. Carly pulls Chris aside right away to chat. She kisses him to show that even though she’s shy, she’s really into him. She was really fun earlier in the date, and Chris is into her taking control of the situation.

He and Amber slow dance and kiss. He is handing out kisses left and right tonight. He kisses Jillian. He kisses Ashely S.

“There’s a fair amount of kissing going on which is the point of the whole deal! When you’re with a person and the moment feels right, I’m gonna do that,” Chris mansplains.

But Mackenzie is upset that he’s kissing so many girls because she felt special that she was the first girl in the house to get kissed (she wasn’t) and now that he’s kissing all these other women, she doesn’t feel so special (she’s not). Quick reminder: Mackenzie is 21. Damn, Millenials y’all.

“So, I’m gonna be blunt,” she says to Chris like that’s the craziest idea of the century. “So, remember how we kissed? Well why are you kissing everyone else?” she asks like the absolute child she is. What is she even doing on this show???

He takes a moment to compose and explains that he is being truthful with all the women and putting himself out there.  Mackenzie feels embarrassed by her question, as she should. But then she almost proudly tells the other women that she called him out for kissing “like eight other girls” since their one-on-one date. DOES SHE KNOW WHERE SHE IS? DOES SHE KNOW THE FORMAT OF THE SHOW? DOES SHE SEE THE OTHER WOMEN AROUND HER AND UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING THERE?

Britt is still having an issue with him “burning through” kissing all the other women so quickly as well. I don’t doubt that it would be hard to adjust to that, but I just have to reiterate that THAT IS EXACTLY HOW THE SHOW WORKS. ONE MAN DATES MANY WOMEN AND WILL, INEVITABLY, KISS MANY OF THEM.

Becca, who is very tall and beautiful, has some nice one-on-one time with Chris. With the beautiful LA skyline behind them, everything seems perfectly set for them to kiss, but she doesn’t kiss him. Becca says, “I don’t want to do something I wouldn’t do normally…It’s not that I don’t want to though.”

I admire that. She’s going to make him earn the right to kiss her. Good for you, Becca.

It’s time for the date rose, and Chris thanks everyone for their efforts during the relay and at the party. He hands it out to Becca. Yeah, Becca! Way to be special by not giving up that kiss too early! I should also mention that Ashely S. was not only quiet on this date, but the only moment we had with her was very normal. I want to posit right now that Ashley S.’s erratic behavior can be explained one of three ways. 1) She is an alien. 2) She has a drug/severe alcohol problem. 3) She’s doing elaborate performance art for the cameras to fool us all and show that the cameras can make you believe anything with the power of editing.

Whitney gets the second one-on-one of the week and is so relieved she cries. She and Chris arrive at a beautiful winery. They talk about typical Bachelor date marriage/life goals garbage. The two of them are so positive, sugary sweet that it makes perfect sense to me. I mean, I would die being around either one of them for more than two days, but they are right for each other.

From their picnic perch, they spy a wedding being set up down below. Whitney suggests that they crash it. It starts as a joke, but they get serious. Whitney invokes “yolo” which Chris LOVES. The producers confirm that they are actually doing that as the two of them plan out what they’ll say.

“So there’s something about weddings that’s just very romantic,” Whitney says. OH REALLY? THE DEVIL YOU SAY?

They get more and more excited and leave to go change into their evening wear and grab a random gift. I’m confused about how much of this is staged and how much is really spur of the moment. The producers must have had to plan this so carefully. I want to believe it’s real.

We get sneaky spy shots of the two of them wandering around the wedding. They are having a great time. Chris loses his cool immediately by talking to the whole wedding party and being a nervous dumb, dumb. He mentions that the producers are wandering around filming on cell phones. That’s amazing. I actually love this, guys. I think it’s crazy and a rare unscripted moment. Whitney is such a sweetheart and a real star who makes Chris look good. They have so much fun. I loved it. What a great thing.

Then they slow dance to the same song that was the theme to Desiree and Chris’ romance on the Bachelorette.

I wonder what they had planned originally for them at the winery, probably something not quite as fun and spontaneous and memorable. Whitney will go far in this. Chris is really, really taken with her.

“She did something really incredible here, and I don’t even think she knows it. But I know it. It wasn’t about the day; it was her,” he says. He then runs to fetch the rose and gives it to her. He’s a man of few words, but you can tell how much he is really into Whitney. To conclude: I liked that date and them together.

As it is the third week, we will be having the traditional “there’s no cocktail party.IT’S A POOL PARTY INSTEAD!” day.

“I’m lovin’ this. This is the most best day ever,” Megan coos. But other women, like Ashley I. are not so thrilled.

“I was gonna do my Kardashian look tonight, and now…enghglee,” she gurgles as she vigorously applies bronzer.

The pool party begins with, you’ll never guess, Chris does the craziest thing. He takes off his shirt and he does a CANNONBALL!

Then Juelia pulls Chris aside to talk more about her husband who committed suicide. She tells the full story of what happened, and it’s bad enough that America gets to hear all of the harrowing details, so we won’t repeat it here. It’s very sad and scary. Help the people you love get help if you think they need it.

Britt interrupts Chris mid-sentence to kiss. The other women see them making out, and take things to the next level. Jade is upset that the women who already had dates this week are monopolizing his time. So Jade asks for and receives a tour of his house. Meanwhile, Jillian trots down to his place and gets into his hot tub. Jade, inside, is snuggled up with Chris on his bed in some WHITE-ASS HEELS. They get steamy real quick, but her white high heels are some kind of trashy I can’t handle. Her boob is also absolutely fully out of her swimsuit. Like, a full boob of everything minus areola visible to my eye.

But then Chris has to move right into the hot tub with Jillian. Ashley I., Megan, and Mackenzie try to join the hot tub party right away but get shooed off by Jillian. The “alone time” everyone craves is a hot commodity at this pool party, and it’s making them all idiots.

Ashley I. is really upset by how possessive and aggressive Jillian is being. She cries while wearing a little golden headband. Jillian is one of those girls who doesn’t have a personality outside of being athletic and working out, and that, I cannot abide.  Ashley I. can’t abide either and scampers away to dry her tears.

A few minutes later, Chris walks into the house to have his chat with Ashley I. Perched on the rooftop, Ashely I. begins crying again. But she’s so embarrassed, that she laughs and Chris doesn’t know if she’s laughing or crying. He’s really great at handling women who are feeling intense emotions. So they just end up kissing the whole time. She is an aggressive kisser, and I’m genuinely worried they’re going to fall off the roof.

Finally, my sweet Chrarrison arrives in his show suit to get Chris ready for the Rose Ceremony. I missed him so much. Chrarrison, never leave me again! Chrarrison, Jimmy, and Chrarrs have a final huddle before the rose ceremony begins. Jimmy’s final words of wisdom are, “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” And what a joke to leave us on. BYE, JIMMY!

As Chris starts his pre-ceremony speech though, he immediately stumbles over his words and accidentally calls Jimmy, Jade. I mean, of course, Chris saw her entire boob earlier today and Jimmy Kimmel just mercilessly made fun of him all week. He’s got Jade on the mind.

The women getting roses tonight:

Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki (who the hell is that?), Jillian, and the final rose goes to Ashley I.

This means we are saying good-bye to Trina, Amber, and Tracey. Ladies, we hardly knew ye. We wish you all the best!

And that concludes this THRILLING week of the Bachelor. I think this week laid a lot of groundwork for the drama that will come this season between not only the ladies, but also with Chris and his Kissing Issue. Next week we’ll be back on Wednesday as usual. Until then, my little journeyers, check out @chasspod on Twitter and don’t forget my Ask is always open

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

The smoke has finally cleared from the battle of that first fateful night in Bachelor Mansion. We begin week two on Farmer Chris’ journey to find love. Last week left with a bit of a cliffhanger, as one rejected contestant Kimberly refused to take no for an answer and marched herself right back into the mansion. How will this play out? Let us observe…

We open with an establishing shot of the mansion at night, though we all know that party raged on until dawn’s early light. Dramatic music plays over the champagne toast as all the women see Kimberly re-enter the room. She and Chris duck out to have a quick chat. The rest of the women sit down in their formalwear to discuss what could be happening.

“Can we just talk for even a few minutes? I just refuse to walk away from this so easily,” Kimberly implores Chris. He walks away to talk to Chris Harrison about his play here.  As all the women, particularly Dance Kaitlyn, say how much they hope she does not stick around, they walk back into the room hand in hand. Chris tells the other women that thanks to Kimberly having the nerve to come back and ask him for a second chance, he’s giving her just that. She’s back. And the women are displeased.

But the sun must rise on a new day. Chrarrison gathers the women after breakfast for the first pow-wow. He announces that Chris is living right down the driveway in the guest house and that it is in their best interest to “create time, find time, make the most of your time” with Chris. There are no rules. And with that, Old Chrarrs leaves the first group date card.

Jade, Kendra, Ashley S., Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara will be going on a date where they will have to “show [him] their country”. The fact that Kimberly is on the first group date has ruffled some feathers, but I think it’s smart. He didn’t get to talk to her on night one, so he wants to talk to her and get to know if there’s a match there as soon as possible.

“I’m more Kardashian than I am country,” Ashley I. tells us of the date. But she needn’t worry too much because the first half of the date is a rooftop pool party.

“I feel so lucky to have my first date with my future husband,” says Tara which seems right that she is the first one to invoke that psycho “future husband” talk.

The first side conversation is between Chris and Kimberly. To have a complete fresh start, Chris walks around the corner to pretend they are meeting for the first time. He and Kimberly seem to be sweet people and have a good time. I feel like this was a good choice by him, especially considering some of the crazies that are there.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…Jillian the News Producer and Megan sneak down to Chris’ house to explore and snoop. Jillian’s bikini bottom is so small that her butt is censored by a black bar for this entire adventure. Megan appears to be either touched, drunk, or a combination of the two as she puts on his motorcycle helmet and rams her head into the walls and the fridge to make sure it’s safe. So let’s put those two on our Crazy Radar and keep tabs.

Although the girls have enjoyed the pool party, they seem confused by it. They were told to “show your country” and as yet, nothing country has happened. So the producers have Chris lead all six women down the streets of LA in naught but their bikinis and shoes to, what else, a tractor pull.

So just to be clear: they walked down the public streets nowhere near the beach in their bikinis and now are going to be tractor racing in their bikinis which is not only exploitative but honestly sounds super painful and not very sanitary. I’ll bet someone show’s their “country”. There’s a whooooole lot of “country” about to be shown.

Tara is obviously thrilled out of her Florida mind and is hungry for a win. Chris is toeing this strange line between simple-sweet and secret perve for me. He really has all the personality of a field of soybeans.

The tractors take off! And they go very, very slowly. This is a source of great comedy for everyone involved. The race drags until finally Ashley I. pulls ahead to win the whole thing and some special one-on-one time with Chris.

As the women left behind eagerly await the next date card, we get a check in from Juelia who has such massive veneers she cannot speak properly with them. Juelia has a daughter named Ireland, and reveals that she was married to Ireland’s father. Her husband committed suicide right after the birth of their daughter. It’s super emotional. Someone asks if she knew he was struggling, and she replies “Yeah but I didn’t understand…I just feel so bad that I didn’t understand.” She’s crying a whole lot because of course she is. The other women are very supportive and sympathetic to her. Alright Juelia, now I’m totally on your side. You have had it ROUGH and you deserve to have great love again. What an emotional interlude to have right after a bikini-clad tractor race though.

 On the group date, we don’t get to see any of the one-on-one conversation with Ashely I. except to show how upset the rest of the women are that they are left alone. Chris is very uncomfortable with this whole situation of managing six women at once. When they come back from their chat, Chris asks Mackenzie to spend the rest of the night as a one-on-one with him, leaving the group date rose behind.

The other women are PISSED that their time is cut short, but they also think it’s sweet that he pulled Mackenzie aside because he recognized how nervous and shy she was. Tara is heartbroken and about to cry. Ashley I. feels “jipped” that she didn’t get the rose after winning the race. But that rose has not been handed out yet, and that means Mackenzie still might not get it. He might realize that she is a CHILD with a CHILD and not right for him. Her hair is also such a hot mess.

They’re at a posh bar called Escondite in LA which is out of the comfort zone for both of them. This leads immediately to a bit of discomfort that never quite leaves the whole conversation. Mackenzie observes that he once had his ears pierced, and he laughs saying “no one has ever noticed it before!” Which seemed like a good, kind of quirky start but then she starts in with, “Wanna know something crazy? Well not crazy, just kinda weird?” And she explains that her absolute, most important factor in a man’s attractiveness is a prominent nose. She does this while giggling and it’s very sweet and complimentary, I think. But in his talking head, Chris does not seem very amused or flattered. He thinks she’s weird. Go tell it to the wheat thresher, Soules.

The strangeness doesn’t stop there though. Mackenzie then asks,“Do you believe in aliens?” Chris stammers and flounders for words. Come ON, dude.

“The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me,” he tells the camera.  Does it, Chris? Does the fact that on a first date she’s not talking about marriage and her five year plan raise some red flags? I would so much rather talk about aliens than any of that on a first date. PS – ALIENS ARE REAL. IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BASIC LAWS OF SCIENCE AND THE FACTS OF OUR KNOWN UNIVERSE, THEY ARE REAL. DON’T BE SUCH A DICK ABOUT IT, FARMBOY.

What is eating away at Mackenzie is that she hasn’t yet told Chris that she has a son. It’s making her nervous and coloring the conversation. She finally gets it out that she has a son named Kale, and he is very sweet about it. Of course he is; he can’t viscerally react to her being a single mom. She shows him a picture of him on her phone. He puts up with that as best as anyone can, “Oh wow he is so cute.”

But I guess that does the trick to convince Chris to give her the rose. She’s stoked out of her mind. They dance a little at the bar. I’m unimpressed. I think he didn’t see a real solid reason to send her home, so he kept her. We’ll see. He kissed her a bunch on the date too.

The second date card has arrived! Megan is going on the first one-on-one date that reads “Love is a natural wonder”. She does not initially understand that it’s a date card and not a love note. Of course though, because who isn’t familiar with the long, storied history of love notes being passed around willy-nilly on the Bachelor?

Megan, a makeup artist, is wearing a metric ton of makeup. She and Chris hop right into a stretch limo to be whisked away in a private jet to Las Vegas. They then step immediately into a HELICOPTER! YES! THE COPTERS ARE BACK! THE COPTERS ARE BACK ON THE FIRST ONE-ON-ONE! They take a helicopter tour of Las Vegas and the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  They land for dinner in the middle of the Grand Canyon. They sit down on a picnic blanket by the river and Chris cheers to “the most beautiful blue eyes in North America.” Ok, Chris, we're laying it on a little thick here I think. You truly don't have to try so hard with these women.

Megan launches immediately into the harrowing tale of how right before she was supposed to come on the show, her dad suffered a massive heart attack and died. She is detailed in how terrible his death was too which is FUN. Chris eats it all up and is even more into Megan than he was in the copter. Chris gives her the date rose easy-peasy because he is super into Megan. They make out. Duh.

The final group date card arrives at the mansion! Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Brit are on the date card that reads “Till death do us part”. The girls are creeped out but intrigued by that missive. It’s dark as the two stretch limos arrive to some abandoned warehouse. They are thoroughly creeped as things start sneaking around the limos and banging on the windows. I know it’s a total slam dunk to watch other people be scared via pranks, but it is a slam dunk for good reason. Watching those girls scream bloody murder and pile on top of each other in the back of that limo is hysterical.

Turns out it’s just Chris you guys!!! Who would’ve guessed! They all giggled upon realizing it was just their hunky farmer man. They are going zombie paintballing. Most of the girls are stoked, but you will never guess who is deeply confused. It’s Ashley S. She is deeply confused about the fact that she’s not shooting any of her teammates.

“Look, do not put any kind of weapon in Ashley’s hand. I don’t care if it’s a fork or a paintball gun, she shouldn’t even be holding a wet noodle,” warns Kaitlyn. And I agree. I wasn’t sure about you Kaitlyn, but that’s some solid gold advice.

This date looks super fun to me and it looks like the women have a ton of fun. Ashley S just walks through a crowd of zombies completely calm, cool and collected. It is truly like a scene from a horror movie. She shoots many of the already dead zombies (played by real humans) at point blank "just to be sure."

“I feel like I’m in the, um, the um, Mesa Verde,” Ashley S says and then points her gun straight at the camera. She is amazingly insane. She is the kind of insane you don’t see every day, and I, for one, am glad she’s there. I am concerned, however, about her obvious mental instability and potential pill-popping problem.

I’m also concerned about Jordan the 24 year-old student who is constantly drunk and stumbling. At the mansion, she attempts to twerk against the wall much to Megan and Mackenzie’s chagrin. Jordan also talks at length about Jillian’s hairy asshole. So that’s real. This show is a national treasure.

Back at the cocktailing portion of the date, the women are trying and failing to understand Ashley S. “There are like angels, literally, in the candle,” she says and looks closely at it. She is an alien. Maybe that’s why Mackenzie asked! Because she knows something we don’t about Ashley S. being an alien trying to infiltrate our earthling culture!

Romance-wise, Chris and Kaitlyn have a really nice chat. Chris is very into her and her whole kooky vibe. They kiss a bunch but it’s very fish-lipped and gross. Chris is kissing a LOT, and he is not a good kisser.

What happens next with Ashley S. is one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen on this show. Her behavior is so bizarre and irrational it borders on terrifying. First she’s trying to explain something to the women and all she can say is “boom”, “that’s the truth”, and “that’s how I feel.” And no amount of further questioning gets her to explain. Then she goes off to talk to Chris and he is being as diplomatic as possible as he asks her questions and she either completely doesn’t respond or whispers something quickly.

She suggests they play hide and seek because she originally said she wanted to hide, but her alien computer told her that’s not normal. They go for a little walk and she asks Chris if he a) knows where they are b) has ever been there before c) knows if this is Mesa Verde  d) where is Mesa Verde. Guys, I’m not totally positive, but I think there’s some kind of extraterrestrial significance to Mesa Verde. I can’t legally tell you to go mine for unobtainium in Mesa Verde, but I’m saying it’s not a bad idea.

Even as Chris is giving an interview saying how strange she’s acting, Ashley S. approaches and interrupts the interview. “Your leather smells really great,” she slurs after some other things I honestly couldn’t make out. He pulls her aside to have a chat.

“How are you doing? Are you holding up ok?” he asks.

“I literally don’t even know what you’re asking,” Ashley S. replies.

“I’m just asking how you’re doing and if you’re holding up ok. It seems like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Chris says gently. For what it’s worth, he’s being very patient with her, probably because he can tell something isn’t quite right.

“You don’t wanna lose the whole world. You wanna gain the whole world,” she says to him after he suggests she goes home and they get some one-on-one time tomorrow, “You don’t wanna lose your soul.”

“That’s…a fact,” he mutters. Starting at about 50 minutes into this episode on Hulu is when this all started going down, and I highly recommend taking a look because it is so bizarre. Like I said, and per the other women on the date, “she is obviously on some hardcore something.” And with that, she leaves. The final shot we get of her is her on her hands and knees talking to a stray cat who I assume is her alien overlord there to yell at her for blowing her cover so bad.

Moving right along to Britt, Chris and she pick right up where they left off. The chemistry is intense and you can tell they already like each other so much. Chris gives her a card for one free kiss because he is a teenage boy and thinks that’s the height of romance. It’s not, but Britt loves the gesture.

Ultimately, the date rose goes to Kaitlyn. Britt is a little disappointed, but I’m not surprised that he gave it to Kaitlyn. She’s got a hold on him.

The final cocktail party begins with the usual nerves from the women who didn’t get date time with Chris this week. Emotions are officially invested, so the stakes are high right away. Whitney wanted to make a good impression and stand out so she set up a mini-date on the patio. She gives him a bottle of his favorite whiskey and they share a drink together. It is understated but memorable and a very smart move on her part.

Then a huge knowledge bomb gets dropped on us. Ashley I., Mackenzie, and Megan are all talking and Ashley I. drops that not only has she never had a boyfriend, but she is a virgin. Mackenzie is SO jazzed about finding that out. She is jealous and thinks it will make sure that Ashley I. sticks around for a long, long time.

“No he will like it, all guys like it because guys like taking your virginity,” Mackenzie implores to her. “You’re super pretty. You’re really intelligent, and you’re a virgin. Oh my god you’re so lucky,” she squeals.

Her reaction is a little intense, but I feel like it’s the absolute best Ashley I. could’ve hoped for. With the courage given her by Mackenzie, Ashley I. goes forth to have one-on-one time with Chris. She starts off by telling Chris that she has a magic lamp belly-button ring, and that throughout her time there, he gets three wishes. “Do you want your first wish tonight?” she asks. He asks for a kiss and she makes him rub her belly button ring. Gross. But they starting making out, and I mean, making out like on top of each other and heavy petting right in front of all the other women.

This is also a key piece of information given what Chrarrison told us during the very beginning of the premier last week. Ashley I. is going to make it all the way to the fantasy suites unless there's another virgin running around. Spoiler alert, Chrarrs! But now I'll be interested to see how this plays out. Ashley I. certainly hasn't been a real front-runner, but we need to take her bid seriously.

The kissing reaches such a point that the other women already start their jealousy pangs and jealousy tears. Britt is particularly upset. But for others it just encourages them to go for it. Amber kisses him. And when Jordan gets wind of that, she goes on the warpath to kiss him. She’s wasted as usual and really puts off Chris by just talking about kissing the whole time rather than letting it happen naturally because she’s wasted and that’s how drunk logic works.

And with that, the Chris’s go away to decide on the cuts for the group.

So who’s in? The roses go out to the following ladies.

Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, and then he calls Juelia who is standing behind Jillian who thinks he calls her name. When Jillian realizes her mistake she almost slips and completely goes down on the carpet. She laughs really loudly and overcompensates for how embarrassed she feels about both parts of that. So, Juelia gets the rose. Then back on track with the roses going out to Amber, Tracey, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and ASHLEY S. GETS THE LAST MOTHER LOVIN’ ROSE OF THE NIGHT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I CANNOT. I mean I can because the producers probably begged him to keep her, but still. I can’t wait to see more of her antics.

This means Alissa, Jordan, Tara, and Kimberly are going home. I feel bad for Kimberly because it really hurts to get rejected by the same guy twice. She is really sweet and a complete bombshell of a woman, so I think love might be just around the bend for her. Tara is sobbing to be leaving. Girl, you’ll be fine. Go back to Florida. “It will haunt me for the rest of my life,” she weeps. Um, no it won’t. You just think it will but like all things in life, this too shall pass Tara.

See you guys next week for when Jimmy Kimmel shows up to help Chris go through some kind of Bachelor Bootcamp or some nonsense! Love!

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, frickin’ well. Look who’s back, babies. It is I. It’s I and it’s you and it’s Chris Harrison and a bunch of bumbling bimbettes vying for the love of but ONE MAN. I’ve got my flannel jammies on. I’ve got a beer on my coffee table, and I’m ready. Are you? Please be ready. We can only get through together. In the immortal words of Jon Bon Jovi: take my hand, and we’ll make it, I swear.

For the first time, the premier of the Bachelor is a live event and they have trucked out all the very biggest stars of the Bachelor Family. Sean and Catherine are there. Brooks is there. I can see Dylan Bad-Hair Good-face behind good old Chrarrison! We start on the sparsely attended red carpet as Chrarrs tells us that this show. Has. Everything. LA’s hottest club is called DESPERATION. There’s a virgin who makes it through a fantasy suite. There are two widows. There’s a beloved talk show anchor that fills in for our beloved Chris Harrison. But, not to disappoint Stefan, nothing too crazy yet like Football Jellyfish.

Now let’s smash cut to a sweeping shot of Chris Soule’s farm in Arlington, Iowa. Oh, but wait, this down-home farmer has a bad side. Here he is riding his hog down a country highway. Chris LOVES farming, guys. And it takes about ninety seconds for him to make a comparison of farming to love. Perfect.

Chris has a huge, loving family and everything is great, except one thing. Can you guess what it is? It’s hard to find love out in Iowa. To demonstrate this, we see Chris sitting on the stoop of an abandoned building and waving to a red van that just drives right by. That big red van? It’s love. And Chris? He’s just been driven right by. This show. It’s deep.

Then Chris goes to a neighborhood bar to meet with the Old Gentleman’s Brigade that is led by a man who looks just like Jimmy Carter. Maybe he is. BUT OH MY GOSH FORGET FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER, CODY IS HERE. CODY THE SWEET, SWEET DUMB DUMB IS THERE TO PHYSICALLY TRAIN HIM. AND THEN THEY PLAY FAKE FIELD OF DREAMS SOUNDTRACK AS CHRIS LOOKS OUT OVER A FIELD OF CORN WITH HIS MOTORCYCLE. He is ready now, more than ever to find love. So he takes off on that sweet, sweet hog that is compensating, surely, FOR NOTHING.

Champagne from plastic flutes is flowing on the red carpet, where we get a quick chat with Sean and Catherine. Catherine is wearing a cape with alternating panels of black silk and tulle because she is queen of my heart. They are adorable, as per ushe.  It’s my great hope that we will one day come to a point wherein we do not discuss their sex life. Someday soon. 

This red carpet is going to eat up a LOT of my time tonight. We talk to Marcus and Lacy who are still on track to be wed this summer. We do find out one key piece of information from them. There will be thirty women instead of the traditional twenty-five. Oh my dear heavens, thank you for the beer I have. Let’s meet some of these women, kay?

First up is Britt, a bubbly waitress from LA who is just trying to find love in a hopeless place. She hikes and is FIT. She didn’t have sex with her last boyfriend, “which is cool because I got to know that I liked him not because of anything like, physical?” I do not care for her, as yet.

Next we see a woman doing back handsprings on the National Mall in Washington D.C. Jillian is a twenty-five year-old news producer. She’s raven haired and in charge. “I lift heavy, and I love it,” she says of her training regimen. Get out of here, Jillian.

Amanda is 24 and from Lake in the Hills, Illinois and is a ballet instructor. TWENTY-FOUR IS TOO YOUNG FOR A THIRTY-THREE YEAR-OLD FARMER. IT’S TOO YOUNG. When a producer asks why she’s still single she immediately responds, “Can I say ‘cause I’m f***ing crazy?...I still live with my parents. I don’t like paying bills. I don’t cook. I hate cleaning.” Remember when I yelled about her being too young for him? Remember how I was so, so right? Never forget that.

And just a hop over from Amanda, is Whitney from Chicago who is a nasal-voiced fertility nurse. She just loves completing people’s families, but is so overwhelmed by the urge to find love. Her dog is WAY too small and her joy is WAY too much for me. But I actually kind of like her for Chris. She is the cinnamon sugar to his steaming pile of oatmeal. We’ll see about you, Whit.

Just for a quick check in, we are twenty minutes into this sucker, and I have screamed into my hands no less than three times. The most recent scream was for Mackenzie who clocks in at a mere twenty-one years but has a son named KALE. HER SON. IS NAMED. KALE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. HER SON IS NAMED KALE. THAT’S TOO MUCH. WE HAVE GIVEN KALE TOO MUCH POWER. THIS IS HOW THE ALIENS WILL WIN, AND IT ALL STARTS WITH F***ING KALE.

Kale is adorable and has dimples but that does not change the fact that his mother gave him the name of our leafy-green overlord. Mackenzie is going to cry every day she is in that mansion. My patience for her is already expired.

Alissa is another twenty-four year-old flight attendent. They make her pretend to do a pre-flight security check with all these Bachelor puns. Alissa seems basic as hell.

Kelsey is a high school counselor who loves her job, but needs to find love after losing her husband a little over a year ago. He just dropped dead of a heart attack, so that’s my new worst nightmare. She’s strong and great. I hope for good things for her.

Back on the live red carpet, Josh and Andi come to chat about their everyday lives. This red carpet is really more of a corral for the former contestants to hang out and drink before they allow them into the studio. There’s clearly no exit. Hahahahahaha what if a single one of them had ever read Sartre’s “No Exit”???? Can you imagine? Sharlene probably has. So she gets it when I say this show is the epitome of Hell is Other People.

More red carpet nonsense ensues as Nikki Ferrell, the famous ex-paramour of hated Bachelor Juan Pablo. It’s the first time she’s back in the Bachelor Family since the breakup. She talks in circles about what happened the last time she was there for the After the Final Rose Ceremony. I honestly just wish her the best and hope we can just let this all go. Let’s leave the poor woman alone. Please, for all of us.

HOLY S**T. I DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT NIKKI IS SAYING BECAUSE MY DEAR, SWEET KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS NEIL LANE IS ON THE RED CARPET CORAL BEHIND HER. WHAT’S HE UP TO? NEIL LANE I LOVE YOU!

I think they were expecting this Nikki interview to shed new light on the Juan Pablo situation and that maybe she would dump on him for being a dog. But she doesn’t do that at all, so it falls flat because it’s a woman trying to defend her choices. Chrarrison really tries to bait her into slandering JP, but I fully respect that she does not give in to that.

After that travesty, we are now inside the famed studio. I think this party is about to get started. I need it to.

The first limo finally arrives. Amanda the ballet teacher describes Chris’ smile as “a panty dropper”. Classy. But very first out the limo is Britt the “waitress” from LA who hugs Chris for so long she CRIES. SHE CRIES. That’s enough Britt. Oh, no it’s not. She leaves a gift with him. It’s a note for a free hug. F*** that. Next is Whitney the Fertility Nurse made of cinnamon sugar. She’s way too enthusiastic, but I don’t know guys, I like her for him.

Then Kelsey that widowed guidance counselor. I guess we’re getting all the pre-screened ladies out the first limo. She is sweet and put together. I really like her.

When Megan, who is, you guessed it, TWENTY-FOUR, comes out of the limo he calls her “blondie” which is not ok with me. Ashley I. is a raven haired beauty who is a freelance journalist. Chris calls her gorgeous.

Second limo is up and Chris playfully knocks on the window. What a joker. Trina is a thirty-three year old special education teacher and she seems sweet for now. Next up, Reegan, a blond woman in a teal dress gets out of the limo holding a red hazmat cooler because she is a donated tissue specialist. Please God, let her pretend that a real human heart is in that cooler. She does. She pretends that. “It’s not real! It’s just a joke,” she giggles. He puts up with the bit reasonably well.

Oh, FOR THE LOVE. Tara is a SPORT FISHING ENTHUSIAST from FLORIDA who is wearing jean shorts, cowboy boots, and a plaid shirt. I JUST CANNOT AND WILL NOT DEAL WITH THIS KIND OF IDIOCY. YOU’RE NOT THAT CHILL, DUDE. JUST PUT ON A DRESS. Sport fishing enthusiast is the kind of “job that not’s a job” title that you might think could go alongside “dog lover”. I have a feeling, however, that Tara will not bring me the kind of droll humor and joy that Kelly did.

Amber is a bartender from Chicago, and I love her dress. But Tara is not quite done with us yet. She tells us how she feels “judged” by the other women, but “they can judge all they want because I can wear a nice cocktail dress like the rest of them”. And she does. She puts on a little black dress. So what’s the point of the whole cowboy boots intro? He’s not going to recognize you? Shut up, Tara.

Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader who is so gorgeous, but during her intro, Tara sneaks around and gets back into the limo and comes back out the limo. Chris recognizes her and says, “You're back! What just happened?” He laughs, but I think he can smell the crazy a mile away.

 With the third limo, the driver is forced to bring a sealed envelope to Chris from one of the ladies. “Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs n kisses,” it reads. He obeys. Out the limo pops Amanda the ballet instructor, and she doesn’t let him see her face because of the whole secret admirer trick he pulled last season. Ok.

 Jillian the TV producer is in a slamming red dress, and she talks to him about working out. She doesn’t have a personality outside of fitness, so she is my mortal enemy. Then Mackenzie the twenty-one year-old mom whose son is named KALE is out with her hair just hanging. I swear to you, she is in her prom dress. It’s teal and bedazzled, and I would bet solid money that it’s her prom dress.

Ashley S. is the next out. She is a hairstylist from New York, and her face looks like she drank poison right when she got out of the limo. Her eyes are darting all around. Did she take some kind of opioid? She gives him a lucky penny. Her eyes are the craziest of eyes.

Kaitlyn a 29 year old dance instructor pops up in a short red dress and opens with, “I know you’re a farmer, and you can plow the f*** out of my field any day.” He just laughs and can’t form words because that is DIRECT. And crass. She then worries that he’s not a farmer because he doesn’t react at all because what the hell was that? He giggles nervously through the rest of the exchange. Poor, simple man.

Without the remaining women arrived, Chris walks into the party. There are only fifteen women so far, and it’s a departure from the usual for him to do this. Almost as soon as he walks in, Kaitlyn the dance instructor/aspiring comedian offers to tell a joke to dispel nerves. Chris replies, “Maybe I should talk first and then when I’m done, you can tell a joke.” OOOOOOOOOOOOH SHOTS FIRED, CHRIS. WAY TO STAND UP TO BAD COMEDY! He makes a simple speech about how the women should all relax and just be themselves. Simple man. Then it’s time for Monday night at the Bachelor Imrpov:

“Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?...Because he wanted to find a tight seal!” Kaitlyn chirps. The women are mostly horrified by this. I’m not horrified because it’s crass. I’m horrified because it is from a joke book and is TERRIBLE COMEDY. Megan, a makeup artist, admits to not getting it. At least she’s being true to herself.

While all the women go right back to freaking out about where the other women are, Chris takes Britt aside to talk to her. She really made an impression on him with her crying hug and note for one free hug. So that’s Chris’ taste in women you guys: Thirst.  He really likes her, to the point where they almost kiss.

Chris gets to know some ladies while the other women continue to freak out about where the other women are. I cannot stress enough how much they are freaking out. And just when things are about to reach a head, Chrarrison comes in to drop off the first impression rose. All hell breaks loose.

But before any of that gets resolved, Chris has to solve the mystery of the Secret Admirer. He deduces pretty quickly that it’s Amanda Ballet, and they sit down to chat. Her eyes are the size of tea saucers and they are filled with madness. They talk about Chicago suburbs. Romance.

Chrarrison arrives to steal Chris away to meet the next few limos of women, because, surprise, there are more women. The current women panic.

In the studio audience, we talk to an ill-prepared Clare who has absolutely no light to shed on the situation. And Michelle Money has been there the whole time, and I just want to chat with her. Michelle is the best.

The first girl from the second set of limos is named Samantha. Her arrival is overshadowed by the madness of the women who arrived first already being possessive and psycho about Chris. Michelle, a wedding cake decorator, is in a hein-hein-heinous dress. Juelia spells her name like an idiot. Becca is pretty and in world’s shortest black sequined dress. She takes Chris’ breath away. Tandra is an executive assistant who arrives on a motorcycle. Alissa the basic ass flight attendant brings Chris an airplane seatbelt…….She does. And then she shows him how to fasten it. I cannot and will not abide.

Jordan is a TWENTY-FOUR YEAR-OLD student who brings whiskey and is dressed in what looks like blue silk BDSM? I hate it. She seems like a mess. Then a girl comes out in a pig nose because she wants to “ham it up for [him]”. What the what? Why? The girls ALL agree that was a bad idea.

Then we go from the sublime to the ridiculous. Britney is a Floridian, WWE Diva in training wearing what can only be described as a skintight, lace hanky with matching wristlets.  THEN, Carly a cruise ship singer (oh, Carly) comes out holding a tiny pink speaker and microphone and starts singing “My name is Carly, it’s nice to meet you”. The feedback is bad and it’s so embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for her. It’s upsetting.

The FINAL limo has mercifully arrived. The first girl out is a fourth grade teacher who seems nice. Then we meet BO. Bo is a plus size model. And I want to love Bo with everything that I am because for the first time maybe ever there is someone over a size six in that house. But why is her name BO? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE EVER SO SLIGHTLY MASCULINE? DAMNIT, BO. YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES.

Guys. There are still more women trucked out, still more ding-dong women. I’ll just tell you about the last woman named Jade who is a twenty-eight year-old cosmetics developer wearing a figure skating costume. It’s not literally a figure skating costume, but with the slightest of ease could be turned into one. The top is all nude illusion netting and the only thing covering her boobs are crystals. Inappropriate. Go do a triple salchow and fall on it, Jade.

HOW ARE WE NOT DONE YET? I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR SO LONG, AND WE’RE JUST OVER HALF WAY THERE.

But all the women are here, so the circus can now truly begin.

Kaitlyn the Crass Dance Instructor teaches him to dance. Chris is impressed by her, but Kaitlyn firmly sucks. Then the “stealing” begins with the pressure mounting more and more for each woman to have time to talk one-on-one with Chris.

Chris is so overwhelmed with wonderful women that he says, and I quote, “I wish I was a polygamist right now.” Cool, cool, cool. Very cool. Very chill. I am ok with that 100% because it is way too early in this show for me to rage out about gender roles. So that’s cool, cool, cool.

“Every person you meet, is like an onion. You cut them, and when you cut them, you peel them back. You peel them back layer by layer,” Ashley S. the drugged out coo-koo bird explains to camera as we see her wandering the complex looking for Chris. When she finds him, she interrupts him to blather on about feeling like she didn’t get her time with him all while holding a yellow rose from the garden.  Chris laughs trying to get control of the situation, but can’t seem to. Her eyes are very intense, and she is talking so bananas, that I am sure she has taken too many Quaaludes. Megan tries to interrupt just as Ashley S. slurs to Chris that she wants to ride a horse through a field of sunflowers.

Then we cut to Ashley S. demanding that the cameras take a good look at what she considers to be an onion in full bloom.  She is demanding they look. She is convinced it’s an onion, and you can hear the producer encourage her to go take a look. “Let’s check it out,” he says. And she stumbles over saying “I mean, if it’s a pomegranate, God bless it.”

Y’all, it turns out to be a pomegranate, and y’all, she picks it. “Wow,” she gasps, “I feel powerful.” 

More and more women get drunk as more and more women talk to Chris and give him great first impressions. He’s met most of them, and now feels comfortable to pick up the first impression rose that is BROKE. ASS. It is bent and the petals are falling off and it is broke ass. But he brings that broke ass rose to Britt because obviously he does.

He is really into her and her exuberance. He kisses her. Wow Chris is not pulling ANY punches. He is kissing on the first night. You could tell he really wanted to before, and he just went for it.

As they come back into the house on the highest of highs, the women in the room look like they could murder. Chris is then pulled away to start making his decisions on whom stays and whom goes on this very first night.

Chris begins the rose ceremony by thanking all the women for being there and then jumps right in to call out:

 Kaitlyn the Crass Dancer

Jade

Amanda,  maybe, I thought he said Pimento so Amanda is my best guess

Ashley I.

Tandra

Nikki

Kelsey

Megan

Alissa

Amber

Juelia

Becca

Trina

 Tara the redneck is bumbling and bobbling this whole time. She is clacking in her heels and almost falls over at one point. And after Chris calls Trina’s name, he takes a pregnant pause, then walks away. He talks to Chrarrison about Tara and what he should do about her. He wanted to give her a rose but second guesses due to her current state. Chrarrs just tells him to follow his heart. I’m sure the producers sneak in there to give their two cents. And we are right back to giving out roses.

 Mackenzie

Tracey

Tara then gets called. All the women are super upset. Tara looks like she might boof.

Jordan the hot mess student.

Jillian

Whitney

Carly

And the final rose of the night goes to Ashley S. who has a really good chance of being fully addicted to pills.

I know the producers have a lot of sway in whom he chooses for dramatic purposes, but honestly, I’m pretty disappointed that he picked the three hot-mess drunks who were crazy.  As the discarded girls leave the mansion to talk to the cameras, you can see that the sun has come back up. It is dawn.  That’s how long that cocktail party was. All. Night. Long. That’s rough stuff for the ones who were heavily drinking and rough stuff for the ones who didn’t and know have to just go home after being awake for twenty-four hours for nothing. The women takes turns crying about why he had to pick drunks instead of wonderful women like them.

And then Kimberly who was rejected and didn’t get a rose, turns around from her interview and walks right back into the mansion to talk to Chris. We don’t get to find out what happens with that until NEXT week. 

Which is when I will see all of you lovelies next. I am so excited to be back on this Journey with you guys. I took a step away from regularly updating my blog for a while, and nothing short of The Bachelor could bring me back. So thanks for that! Recaps go up on Wednesdays, so until then, keep in touch. Follow me on Twitter @chasspod, and the Ask box is always open!

The Bachelorette - Finale Recap

The time has finally come to wrap up this long show’s journey into night. It is the end of the Bachelorette for another year, another end of all the hopes and dreams of so many young men and one woman. And it’s the end of my time with all of you for a while. Parting is SUCH sweet sorrow, so before we part, let’s watch this tragi-comedy unfold.

Before any filmed footage is shown, we of course have to check in with Chrarrison and the live studio audience. We do receive on important piece of info from Old Chrarrs: whoever Andi didn’t pick is so heartbroken that he has tried to contact her several times to get closure. He even tried to contact her “while she was vacationing in Mexico, and she refused to speak with him”. UH. NO DUH. BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEHAVIOR OF AN UNWELL PERSON. And I guess he tried to confront her again during the Men Tell All and she refused him again. Oooo, how will this fage?

The episode kicks right off with Nick coming to meet Andi’s family. We have her very intimidating father Hy, her sweet mother with terrible fishing hook eyebrows Patti, and her sister Rachel and brother-in-law…Haley? His name can’t be Haley but that’s what it sounds like. Nick is nervous but excited to meet Andi’s family. He’s taking this very seriously.

I guess the bro-in-law’s name is Ailey which makes less sense than Haley, but whatever. The whole family is commenting on how nervous Nick is acting. He’s being very reserved and stumbling. They manage through lunch, and Nick is getting worried they will think he’s a jackass.

So Nick sits down with Patti to talk it all out. “I know that Andi’s it for me…I love her in ways I never I thought I could love someone before,” Nick says, at which point Patti tears up.

Andi sits down with her sister Rachel who desperately needs some morrocan oil for her hair. Andi shares how Nick truly sees her whole soul and when he kisses her, she feels his passion for her.

The biggest moment comes when Nick sits down with Hy to ask his permission to marry Andi. Hy simply asks what it is that he likes/loves about Andi. Nick answers diplomatically, but Hy makes sure his eyes are on the future.  Nick asks for the blessing. Hy hesitates; then he goes on to explain that he thinks Andi is as special as Nick does and gives his blessing. Nick passes the family test with flying colors.

Now it’s Josh’s turn against the firing squad! Based on his politician nature, I have no doubt he will do well with her family. The family already loves him because he lives in Atlanta, but Hy is cautious because Josh has a lot to live up to compared to Nick. Hy straight up laughs at Josh because he can see that he is trying so hard to look cool and casual but is so nervous, “This poor guy didn’t have a prayer.” Oh Hy, you’re the top.

“This loud guy comes in with Andi and he keeps saying how nervous he is and how hot he is…he’s just boisterous and a little chaotic,” Patti says. Uh-oh, do I sense trouble in paradise? Josh has some ground to make up with her parents.

Rachel listens to Andi’s concerns about Josh with the best kind of sisterly grace. She hears all her worries that he is a former-athlete and maybe a salesman but is confident in Andi’s feelings. Rachel and Ailey then take Josh aside to talk seriously about his feelings and intentions for Andi. Rachel approves of Josh.

Then it’s time for Hy to take Josh aside and level with him. Hy is such a straight forward guy. No frills, no fuss, just says what he’s thinking. I like that. Josh speaks up for himself and meets the expectations though. Hy asks, “Are you sure this isn’t just a camp romance?” which I LOVE because that’s exactly what this show can be sometimes! Camp! And then you go away to school and you’re so sure it’s going to be the same, but it isn’t. Awww, Hy. Stick around all the time.

Josh really stands his ground though that he feels the forever kind of love for him. Josh boldly tells Hy, “in a few days, I’d love to propose to your daughter and I’d love to make her my wife.”

“You’ve got my blessing. The only one you gotta worry about is hers,” Hy says. WHAT A GUY. WHAT. A. GUY.

Well, that was quick and painless. Everybody loves Josh too.

Andi now has her final date with Josh. She is wearing the shit out of a tropical print caftan while she and Josh go yachting about the island. They can’t keep their hands off each other as the Caribbean winds whip around them. It is quite the romantic scene. These two are VERY canoodley which is starting to make me doubt my instincts that Nick will win.

They get to jump off the yacht to go swimming, and you can totally 100% see the camera guy swimming alongside them which is so funny to me. That kind of stuff is what makes me pause and think, “these two are having this romantic moment in the water…six feet away from a man in a wetsuit holding a waterproof camera…” like, WHAT?!

For dinner, the couple meets up at Josh’s plush ass suite. The snuggle up on his couch to talk about fears, doubts, and hopes going into the future. Andi is just worried that the puppy love phase will end, and that the romance will fade, but Josh reassures her in his very confident way that he feels forever love for her. I’m tempted to feel swayed by this, but I’m not. I mean, I believe he THINKS he feels that, but come on. Who knows?

Then Josh whips out the special surprise he and the producers cooked up to give Andi one final sway in his favor. First he reads a nice, long letter to her because he couldn’t say the words to her. Then he presents her with a gift. It’s a baseball card with her picture and all her “stats” on it. Stats like “Games Played: doesn’t play games” and “Errors: can’t dance and swears too much”. At first, I really hated this card, but that’s at least a little bit cute. EXCEPT he presents it to her with her name ALREADY CHANGED TO HIS LAST NAME: ANDI MURRAY. LIKE SHE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO CONSIDER KEEPING HER OWN LAST NAME OR HYPHENATING IT BECAUSE FEMINISM IS DEAD AND YOU ARE JUST A MAN’S PROPERTY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Call me new-fashioned, but I just can’t handle all this assumption of women just taking the man’s last name, no questions asked.

Anyhow, Andi feels very good after their final date and a lot of very lip-smacky kissing. She is worried about how much she feels for Josh and how much he feels for her. But she knows how much she feels for him. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Nick has his final date coming off Andi’s two straight days spent with Josh. Andi is really looking for clarity with this date so that she really knows at the end of the day who her guy will be. They start off the day going off-roading through the island and land at a beautiful, private lagoon. At the lagoon, Nick talks about how much he liked her family and how he told them just how much he loves her. Andi feels like the love she feels from Nick makes her feel like a woman and makes her feel sexy. Which is something important to feel, so that’s something that Josh doesn’t necessarily have.

Back at Nick’s plush ass suite, Nick is worrying about where Josh is in the picture. He’s worried that she’s unsure. He’s worried he’s unsure. Andi really gets him to open up about what he’s so obviously worried about. He shares that the morning after his last engagement, he woke up and new something wasn’t right and doesn’t want to feel that with her at all. She reassures him that everything will be alright. And he tells her he loves her, and while she can’t say it back, she just tries to comfort him. Nick’s confidence is at an all time high. He says he can feel what she feels for him even though she can’t say it back.

The final gift for Andi’s favor that Nick presents is a necklace that has some sand from the beach where he first told her that he loved her in it. What a very pretty necklace, producers. Thanks for that. It’s very pretty actually, and is a more totem-like gift than the one from Josh. Although her reaction for Josh’s gift was more lively. I DON’T KNOW, GUYS. WHO WILL IT BE?!?!

Ahhh, the morning has finally arrived. Andi walks about the grounds of her casa in a pink silk teddy and black silk kimono. As she voices over her feelings for each guy, we also get to see the men staring out from their respective balconies not wearing shirts. So deep. So, so deep these moments are. But the heart of the matter is that Andi feels confident in her decision. I feel confident in getting to see Neil Lane in T minus three minutes!

Nick tells us, “I’m going to follow my gut, and my gut says to listen to my heart,” which is a lot of body parts being awfully talkative, Nick. He’s super confident that when he proposes to Andi, she will say yes.

On the other hand, we have Josh who is so excited to propose but is vulnerable enough to admit that she might not say yes. But even knowing that she could say no, he wants to do it anyway. Josh, stop making me like you against my will. Everything in me wants to greatly dislike you, but I CAN’T. Your voice is still annoying though, so there.

AND NOW THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: HIS ROYAL MAJESTY, KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS, NEIL LAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE! Neil Lane comes to Josh’s rooms to present his sparkling wares for approval. He shows various bajillion carat diamonds surrounded by a million other, tinier diamonds, but none quite work. He shows one and says, “That’s a strong ring, and I hear Andi’s a strong woman.”

To which Josh replies, “She is. She’s a very strong woman.”

“And you can handle that?”

“Oh absolutely I can. She’s a strong woman and that’s a very sexy quality to me,” Josh says. They laugh. Joshua is making me like him more by the second. What is happening to me you guys?

They finally settle on a huge oval cut diamond ring that is, of course, encrusted by a billion other diamonds. It is very pretty. It’s too much for me, but I’m not Andi.

So then we cut over to Nick who is very excited to look at some rings from King Neil. He gets up to answer the knock on the door, but to his surprise and MUCH to my own, it is Andi standing before him. DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Then before we get to hear anything about what actually happens, we have to talk to some of Bachelor Nation’s favorites about what’s about to happen. No one cares, least of all Michelle Money who asks the question of everyone’s mind: Who will be the next Bachelor? And while Chrarrison skirts about the answer, the cameras zoom in on Farmer Chris’ face again and again. The whole studio audience chants “Chris.”  It’s very obvious that it’s Farmer Chris, although they refuse to actually just say it is.

But back to the actual matter at hand: Nick’s impending doom. They have a seat and Andi starts off with, “I was thinking about what you said at night, and…thought about how you said the last time you got engaged, you woke up that morning and you didn’t think something was right. And I woke up this morning and didn’t feel that something was right.” Then her voice starts to wobble because the emotional truth is coming out. That Nick is not her guy. She just keeps repeating “It’s not right.”

Nick is many things right now. He is shocked. He is sad. He is angry. He is confused. So he just starts talking and is rambling about how he doesn’t understand how she could look at him the way she did and react the way she did to him telling her that he loved her and not mean it. So she tries to defend herself that she did mean it but now she just knows that a life with him would just be a life of overanalyzing every moment.

Woah. Way harsh, Tai.  That was way harsh.

So then Nick jumps on the Way Harsh train and asks, “Is this really about us or is it about someone else?”

And Andi, sitting there tearfully, doesn’t respond because she is a lady and will spare him the torment of the answer to that question. Then Nick says some very interesting things. He says, “Sometimes I feel like you took it too far…Just remember when we were in the water and I told you that I loved you and you said ‘I wish I could say things back.’…There are just some things I wish you wouldn’t have said or done.” Like…sex? Is that what you’re pissed about Nick? You’re gonna throw her under the bus for that?

But Andi leaves with hardly another word and walks out into the rain. I bet the producers were giddy with glee over timing this exactly with the thirty minutes a day that it rains in the Dominican Republic. Nick stares out his balcony for a while then begins to pack. We watch him fold his boxer-briefs and then throw away all his roses from the pocket of his carry on. Ah, buddy. Methink you flew a little too close to the sun, Icarus.

At least she did it this way to save you the further embarrassment of picking out a ring, ACTUALLY PROPOSING, and THEN getting dumped on a platform on which her future happiness will also begin. CONSIDER THAT, IN YOUR AGONY NICK! CONSIDER THAAAAAAT.

But we have no more time for agony, we have an engagement to get to. Andi is looking beautiful in a cream chiffon dress with embellished neck. Josh is wearing a suit that appears to be made for a toddler. It’s so tight on his giant arms and is streeeeeeeetched all across his back and totally puckered where he’s buttoned it. What? Did they lose his suit and have to put him in Nick’s?

Josh starts his speech to Andi by saying that he left baseball (???) to find a great lover that was out there. “And then I found you Andi Dorfman,” he says. And ok, fine, I love that he uses her full name. He waxes poetic about how much and how he loves her. How lucky and blessed he is to have found her and how much he loves her bright smile and her eyes. AND DAMMIT. I like this speech. But also shut up.

Then it’s Andi’s turn to say her piece. She starts off slowly and builds that it was scary to know that Josh would only say I love you to the woman who would be his wife. But then she says the only way to describe what she’s feeling is “Love. Josh I love you. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you. I’m madly in love with you.”

And then Josh is so happy because he was scared for a second! Then he gets on one knee and says, “Andi Jeanette Dorfman,” FULL POINTS FOR USING HER FULL NAME, “Will you marry me?” And she says YES! Of COURSE! And then they kiss for what feels like seventeen hours because we hear at full volume every single smackey-smackey kiss they share. THAT IS ENOUGH OF THE KISSY SOUND. Maybe turn the mic packs down a touch?

Josh accepts the final rose amid another hurricane of kisses. They just keep saying I love you to each other and then kissing and Josh is the sweatiest monster of all sweat monsters. And they sit on the dock at watch the sun set.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote. Kind of. Some shit went down at the After the Final Rose ceremony that we’re going to need to discuss, but for now, this is where we’re at. I’ll be sharing some AFR thoughts later. Until then SO MANY KISSES AND HUGS to all you readers. Infinite thanks for making this such a fun thing to do. And I really hope you’ll watch Bachelor in Paradise with me. 

The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All Recap

Guys, guys, guys, guys! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE RECAP BEFORE THE WHOLE SHOW COMES TO A DRAMATIC CLOSE! This is also the final recap I have to complete in order to be “caught up” with the show. It may have taken me three weeks to get “caught up” but catch up I did! But you won’t catch ME putting KATSUP on my hotdogs because I’m a Chicago girl, OKAY?! Ha ha ha, we have fun here don’t we? I’ve had a few beers tonight, and we are entering into hour six of the Bachelorette that I have consumed this week alongside little else in terms of entertainment so I fear I may be losing it. Bear with me though because sometimes a few loose screws is all it takes to make the ride FUN (and sometimes deadly but today it’s about FUN).

My main man Chris Harrison comes trotting out to his blue-lit platform of love to welcome us to a very special evening. Before anything regarding the current season happens, we have some time to kill with Ashley and JP who are pregnant with their first child! They are my favorite couple ever from this show, and maybe ever in general. I just ADORE Ashley and JP, and Ashley is a stunningly beautiful pregnant woman.

She is due in October, and we also learn that they moved to Miami. Cool stuff guys. I love you, but what are we doing here? Oh. Oh God. Oh my god. We are doing a live ultra-sound. Oh no. Oh my. They are going to “find out if it’s a boy or a girl right here.” Which, we as an audience will, but Ashley posted a sonogram a while ago of a baby boy. So that’s not really breaking live television.

But we’re really going through with this. We are honest to God doing a live ultra-sound with Ashley busting open her cute maxi-dress just a bit and the doctor slopping on the goop. First they make a SOLID joke of putting Chris Harrison’s face over the ultra-sound image. I laugh for what feels like hours (jk). Then the technician mashes the ultra-sound thingy all over her stomach to show “an ear” (a blob) and “a thumb” (another blob) and finally reveal that it’s a boy!

JP says he would’ve been happy no matter what, as long as it’s healthy, but is thrilled to be getting a son. Ugh. I hated that so much, but Ashley and JP are still so cute I can’t stand it. And I guess if you could basically fulfill your child’s college fund by doing a live ultra-sound of it before it’s even in its third trimester, you would do that.

Now we get an extended preview of Bachelor in Paradise which is going to be juicy and vile and so fun and so, so hard to watch. I can’t wait. I don’t recap the Bachelor Pad/In Paradise seasons, but you can bet I’ll be tweeting my thoughts like crazy.

Nearly twenty minutes into the show, we finally get to the Men of the Men Tell All. Everybody is back and looking sharp. They do a little practical joke by everyone wearing scarves! I mean yes, a bunch of the guys wore scarves this season, so it’s cute, but I would have thought they were genius if it had been turtlenecks.

Ugh, man, remember how hot Hot Carl was? Hot Carl is still so, so hot. Coach Brian is adorable as ever. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face managed a hair cut between filming and now, but it’s still some pretty bad hair.

The first video package rolled is the overview of all the negative drama between the guys from this season. We get Craig drinking too much; we get JJ saying it’s hard to be happy for other guys’ successes; we get Andrew being a gold medalist douche canoe; and we get Andrew being a racist douche kayak.

Chrarrison decides to dive in head first to “the most sensitive issue of the season”, WHICH IS NOT ERIC’S DEATH MIND YOU, but the alleged racist comment made by Andrew. Racism = very sensitive issue, but I just think the whole way they sensationalized Eric’s death is a little more sensitive. But they don’t care what I think do they?

Anyways Marquel talks a little about how after hearing from his close friend JJ what Andrew might have said, he wanted to pray and think about how to address the situation. The audience applauds as he said he knew he was representing not only himself but also his family, his friends, and many others. Ron, who was the other man of color included in the original alleged statement that Andi chose “the two blackies,” commends Marquel for how respectfully and gentlemanly he handled himself.

And then the funniest most horrendous thing happens. Andrew starts to say his part and says, “I completely agree with the way that Ron approached…” and is interrupted by Marquel saying and pointing at himself, “Marquel”.

“I’m sorry what?”

“Marquel…You said Ron,” Marquel gently says.

And then you can see the color and light leave Andrew’s face as he apologizes. Now, Marquel says, “No worries.” But I feel like he SHOULD be worried because in a discussion where Andrew is desperately trying to clear his name for being an alleged racist, THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS CONFUSE THE ONLY TWO BLACK GUYS SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, to be fair, Ron had just spoken. But also, to be fair, they are two completely different people, and Andrew spent a lot more time with Marquel. And also oh my GOD you guys he called him by the wrong black person’s naaaaaaaaaaaaame.

So then they get down to really trying to divine what happened and what was said. We get to see the video of it where you can only see that he leans over to say something to JJ, but there’s no audio. Then Nick S says that he knows something was said, but there was a lot of chatter.

Andrew continues to be kind of a smug jerk about it, though. He’s such an asshole, that whether or not he did say “blackies”, he’s still a shit-hole of a person. Andrew attacks JJ and tears him down by saying that his credibility is spent and that he’s a person who doesn’t deserve respect. And shut up Andrew. Look at your life. Look at your choices. I would like to cordially invite you to eat boners, so shut up. I would like to be done with Andrew.

Farmer Chris even gets on the hating on JJ train. I just don’t think JJ is a bad dude. They are all questioning at this point how JJ handled what he heard, and that JJ is a snake. But Marquel, being a good dude, brings it all back around to how he loses respect for Andrew for  deflecting all this blame rather than just straight up apologizing to Marquel for anything potentially offending him. “I can forgive you for what you said, but I can never forgive the ignorance that is racism,” Marquel says. And Andrew is trying to applaud too and be like “I agree!” And then FINALLY Andrew apologizes. It took him ten minutes of accusations flying to apologize.

Apparently Marquel was a huge fan favorite this season, and I missed that memo.  But before Marquel gets into the hot seat, JJ decides to interrupt. Oh god here we go again. What is it JJ? He tries to get off his chest that he’s sorry if his actions were misconstrued, and then Chris and Brian both basically tell him to shut up. I don’t know. I don’t care about JJ’s role in this, so let’s move on.

Let’s talk to Marquel about god knows what because what is there even to talk to Marquel about? We hear more from Andi about Marquel in this video package than we ever did during the show. When he and the Chrarrs sit down to talk, they boil everything down to him being stuck in the Friend Zone. Ok. I will give Marquel a ton of bonus points for wearing an adorable cookie lapel pin on his jacket. And then he hands out cookies to the audience! Marquel is a class act, but he’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise which concerns me. We’ll just have to see.

Marcus gets up on the hot seat to talk about his shocking goodbye. The women go wild for him, and much like Marquel, I just don’t get it. Marcus has only the kindest things to say about how he truly loved Andi and that she helped him mature and grow as a man. He is looking forward to talking to Andi about a few things.  

But again, Marcus is on Bachelor in Paradise, so I’m not TOO worried about either his willingness or his ability to find love. Chris Harrison is talking about Bachelor in Paradise as if it hasn’t already happened though. Am I in a fever dream? Did they not already show us ten minutes of preview?

Next is Chris’ turn in the hot seat with Chrarrison. The women go absolutely bonkers for him, and I can’t blame them.  Chris also speaks very highly of Andi, but wishes that he could have had more time with her and perhaps different time, where it could have been just the two of them.

And then Chris is interrupted by what I can only guess is a full blown psychotic woman from the audience. Even Chris Harrison is stunned, saying, “Apparently this is an open mic talk show now.” So this woman’s name is Ketra which is a CRAZY name. And then she sits down on the couch and says she’s Canadian and from a small town, and asks “Do you think you’re going to meet someone in Iowa?” WHAT THE HELL? THAT’S A BIZARRE QUESTION. She’s beautiful. But obviously crazy. Chris is blushing hardcore because how uncomfortable is this?

Chrarrison puts them on a speed date while we are on a commercial break, and that sounds horrid. Poor Chris. Obviously being set up with a beautiful but clearly INSANE woman. Chris is respectful and delightful as she leaves him her phone number, but I still feel like that’s never going to happen because she’s out of her goddamn mind.

Finally, we trot Andi out on stage in a skintight, sparkly number. She looks great. We go first to Chris to talk to Andi. He asks what happened to lead to her letting him go. So, Andi just kind of repeats herself from what she said when she actually broke up with Chris. Then Marcus asks Andi what happened, and if his saying “I love you” so fast scared her. Andi repeats herself again that she just didn’t feel the same way as fast as Marcus. Then Cody fires away that he’s sad Andi never got to see “The Real Cody”, and Andi is like, well I just wasn’t feeling it so I owed you the respect to just send you home.

Now Marquel fires one off! What the heck is this? I feel like she’s up against a firing squad. She is 100% holding her own though and respectfully, diplomatically answering every question. Marquel asks why they didn’t get out of the friend zone. Andi says she thinks the romance wasn’t there, and they just always had fun as friends. They laugh when he jokes how she was too shy to kiss him but really he was too shy to kiss her.

Then Nick S fires away that he feels that she really had her guard up when they were talking at the second rose ceremony. Shut up Nick S, no one cares about you. Andi is so kind in saying that it’s hard to just constantly be vulnerable and she’s sorry if he felt he was being brushed off. Once again, shut up dude.

Then Chrarrison introduces Andi to the infamous party crasher Chris Bukowski. He’s in the audience because he’s on Bachelor in Paradise. So they finally get to meet from across a studio audience.

And that’s the end of that. What the hell? That was the strangest Q&A I’ve ever seen on this show. And so short. It was just a rapid fire rehashing of things we’ve already discussed ad nauseam on the show.

Chrarrison helps clear the air that Andi is not in any way pregnant. Then Chris brings out the results of the lie detector tests from Italy. We find out that Coach Brian, Farmer Chris, and JJ told no lies. Marcus lied about having slept with fewer than twenty women. Oopsies. Dylan told the truth about NOT always washing his hands, so he whips out his hand sanitizer. But his lies were about preferring brunettes AND being ready for marriage. When it comes down to Josh’s results though, Andi decides to not reveal his results and let the trust remain.

Then it’s finally time for bloopers! They are short this year and not really worth it. But the show is now over! WHAT A WEIRD MEN TELL ALL. THE WEIRDEST.

I will see you all on Monday for the posting of the Official Drinking Game Rules! The recap will go up on Wednesday, but I will be live tweeting the finale over @Chasspod so join me there! Fill up that ask box if you have any burning questions left on your minds going into the finale. I’ll see you there.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

Hello again everyone. Back so soon for more Bachelorette good times? We are so close to finishing this thing I can taste it. I can also taste the Jewel brand chocolate chip cookies I am mainlining into my face-hole right now, but I can also dimly taste the sense of accomplishment of finishing this season. Let’s savor, shall we?

We are in the tropical island paradise of rich culture and generally impoverished people of the Dominican Republic. The producers give us that special, special time with Andi where instead of watching her walk around the resort thinking back on her relationships with the three remaining men, we watch Andi journal through her relationships with the three remaining men. Let’s boil down the whole segment: Andi likes Josh; Andi likes Chris; Andi likes Nick.

The one thing this whole video montage made me remember were all the amazing turtlenecks we saw this season. There were some really great turtlenecks, but I think that now, mercifully, we are spared from the wrath of sweaters evocative of the necks of turtles because of the Caribbean climate.

Andi is thrilled for her first one-on-one date this week with Nick. She is really excited to spend so much time with him. They hop right into a helicopter (yay!) to go see the gorgeous coast of the island of Hispaniola on which the Dominican Republic, along with Haiti, resides. So don’t say I never taught you anything.

They land on a private island with a private beach and private picnicking and snorkel gear! I want to snorkel there! Before they snorkel they make out in the water a lot. Then they sit on the beach and have a very important discussion on how Nick really felt after his bad break ups. He fumbles over his words to tell Andi how he really feels which is that he loves her. He rambles and bumbles and stops and starts. My roommate makes a very good point that Nick’s emotions for Andi are obviously real because there’s no way he’d be so dorky and fumbling over the right words if he was a player. He’d have it all scripted out. Good point, Casey.

After that awkward conversation, they snorkel! And make out. Mostly making out under the guise of snorkeling.

They get back to the main island for a moonlit dinner on the beach. And some boring stuff happens but then the BEST THING HAPPENS. In the grand tradition of the guys doing weird shit to show their love, Nick has written AND ILLUSTRATED a fairytale about him and Andi’s love. WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED A FAIRYTALE. YOU GUYS.

He even went to the trouble of distressing the edges of the illustrations before pasting them with a glue stick onto the pages of a red leather bound book onto which he had also pasted the typed out words of the story. It looks long as hell too. Andi is of course the best sport and may even genuinely be really touched by this weird, weird, weird gesture.

Andi then presents him with the Fantasy Suite card and he rambles along before finally saying that he’s trying to say yes. Nick tries one last time to express his full emotions by pulling Andi aside to talk to her by a palm tree. He then enumerates all the things he likes about her and tells her that he loves her. “You know, you’re it for me. And it’s terrifying. But when you know, you know,” he says. There you go Nick! That’s all you needed to say. Andi is of course contractually obligated not to say I love you back, but she kisses the shit out of him. They go into the fantasy suite and that’s that. They presumably bone their little brains out.

Now it’s time for Josh’s day of fun with Andi! They are in the capital city of Santo Domingo which is inland and therefore five million degrees hotter than the coast. They explore the city and try different foods and drinks. And surprise! Josh speaks Spanish! As a fellow hispanohablante, this makes me like him just a smidgeon more. They dance in the square together and make the most out of both being bad dancers.

Then Josh endears himself to me even more by speaking Spanish to a bunch of little kids that they play baseball with. That’s really sweet and a cool activity. As long as they weren’t actually disrupting a game that these kids were playing. Eh. Let’s pretend they didn’t!

After the game they have a talk on a park bench and Josh tells Andi that he loves her. Andi is thrilled and they kiss a lot. Josh even calls out the fact that he knows Andi can’t say anything back. Interesting. And a bold move for Josh to put himself out there and “put his guard down” with Andi.

Dinner is at a beautiful resort where the both of them sweat buckets. I can’t really focus on the discussion for all the sweat pouring out of their faces. They talk about how they would be as parents and what they want out of the relationship and the future. So after much talking AND NO EATING. NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. NO, NO, NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. You can’t go to the fantasy suite on an empty stomach! The thing that kills me is that the napkins are still in the napkin rings. The food hasn’t even been pushed around to give the appearance of having been eaten. When do these people eat???

They go to walk to the fantasy suite and watch a fireworks show. Then go into a seriously plush ass fantasy suite. It’s the size of a small mansion. They are excited to just be together and “have more time to spend together”. Why this show tries so hard to be coy about what happens inside those fantasy suites is beyond me, but they just are.

Andi and Chris meet in the middle of the countryside of Rancho Peligro (Danger Ranch!). She is wearing this caftan-like top that would be a real cute beach cover-up but not a skirt/dress like she’s wearing. And in these tiny little short-shorts Andi is going horseback riding. NO thanks. No thank you. Farmer Chris is excited and feeling confident. Andi is nervous, very, very frightfully nervous. And she should be because wearing shorty-shorts on horseback in 10000 degree heat would be hell on earth.

Chris is being so supportive and patient with Andi as she panics on her horse. She is not good at riding that horse. It’s hard to be that bad at sitting on a horse. They stop at an obliging tree for a little picnic. Chris is so sweet. Andi takes the time to tell him how much she loved his whole family. They do more generally sweet stuff and even play hide and seek which they call ghost in the graveyard, but we all know that ghost in the graveyard is only for when it’s dark out. So there.

The two change out of horse-riding mode and settle down to have a poolside chat. They talk more about “the Iowa thing”. Chris tries to tell her that he knows how hard it would be for her to make the transition to Iowa life, but that it’s not beyond her grasp to be successful there. Andi makes some good points that it’s hard to take a gamble on moving to Iowa and putting all this faith in a decision they don’t know will work out.

Then she picks up the fantasy suite card and says that making the decision to give that card with so many unknowns with Chris is going to be hard. And he pauses and says, “I don’t know where you want me to…what you want me to do at this point.” She starts to get pretty emotional as they continue the discussion. Chris takes the opportunity to once again tell her that he’s in love with her.

“I could sit here and blame it on Iowa and take the easy way out…but part of it is because I don’t see the foundation is there with us,” she tearfully says to him. Oh, Chris. Oh poor Chris. To tell a woman you love her and for her to say she’s not on the same page on NATIONAL TELEVISION has got to be a bitter pill to swallow. She continues to explain everything to him very sadly that she just is not in love with him like he is in love with her.

Chris, like the true gentleman and man that he is, is so gracious and respectful to her. You can see in the slump of his shoulders how crushed he is. He is absolutely crestfallen, and it is so hard to watch. Andi even says that “on paper” he has everything that a woman could ever want, but “my heart and my head don’t match up”.

And then they get up to say their final good-bye, and you guys, I’m not kidding, I lose it. I lose it and cry a little because Chris COULD NOT BE A NICER PERSON. He tells her what an amazing woman she is even as she denies it. She apologizes again and he says, “Don’t be sorry. You can’t control your feelings. I want you to feel all the things I feel for you, but if you don’t, then let me go home.” She tells him how grateful she is to know him and that he was there for this whole experience, and they hug goodbye. This show made me cry you guys. What is happening?

IT’S JUST TESTAMENT TO WHAT A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING CHRIS IS. I NOW HAVE ZERO DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE OUR NEXT BACHELOR BECAUSE HOW COULD HE NOT BE AFTER THIS????

For the ruse of the Rose Ceremony, Andi is wearing a guava pink chiffon sack. It’s beautiful to be sure but a sack nonetheless. She sits down with Chrarrison to debrief the whole week from her breakup with Chris the night before to both men telling her that they are in love. Andi weighs the positives and negatives of both guys to help us fill the time that would’ve been occupied by a rose ceremony.

But they decide to still go through a rose ceremony because the men still need to accept a rose to say that they are still 100% in this. And after they have accepted that rose, to say that could see getting down on one knee after meeting Andi’s family.

The boys are both trotted out to a small dais on the edge of the sea. When Chrarrison comes down to greet them, he tells them that Chris is no longer there much to their surprise. But this is now the third season in a row where there have only been two contestants left at the rose ceremony after the fantasy suite dates. In Desiree’s season Brooks went home early, last season Andi dumped Juan Pablo, and now Chris was let go before the fantasy suite.

With little ado, the roses are given out to Nick and Josh respectively. They are all smiling and so happy to be almost at an end. Josh is sweating through his navy blue shirt and light gray pants so hard.

Josh says he can already picture her being called Andi Murray because that “has a nice ring to it.” Darn tootin’ it does because that’s already the name of a famous tennis player. A really famous tennis player. So that might be why you can already hear that name clanging around your head.

THAT’S IT GUYS! WE JUST HAVE THE MEN TELL ALL LEFT AND THEN THE FINALE WILL BE NIGH UPON US! WE’RE SO CLOSE! THAT TASTE IS SO STRONG IN MY MOUTH!!!!! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD FOR MORE FUN TIMES AND ALSO FOLLOW HERE ON TUMBLR FOR OTHER JUICY GOSSIP AND ME YELLING IN ALL CAPS ABOUT THINGS I LIKE! BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

We are really in the homestretch now kids. We’ve got Hometown Dates right now, then onto Fantasy Suite, a quick stop by the Men Tell All, and then we’re done. Wow. From that side it looks like nothing, from my end it looks like a lot of work. But let’s stop dithering and just get to the goods!

The first stop on Andi’s nationwide trip to meet her potential in-laws is Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Nick. This bodes well for him and his family, as the first stop is never the most titillating or scandalous. They do a great job making Milwaukee look like a nice place and not a sad, forgotten step child of Chicago. They go to the Milwaukee Public Market and do fun things like eat cheese, try cheese, sample cheese. All cheese all day! Jealouuus! Then they go on a brewery tour, and one of the beer pulls is called the Nick and Andi with a rose on it. Ok. Then Andi doesn’t know what the polka is…has she never seen HOME ALONE at least? Or like been exposed to any kind of anything to know what a polka is?

Nick has a big old family in the adorable town of Waukesha, Wisconsin. There are a lot of brothers and sisters and boyfriends and fiancés and husbands and wives. It is a HUGE family. But I’m still just distracted about how weird Nick’s mouth and teeth are? Have we talked about this before? His teeth are like tiny and he has little fish lips. Nick talks to his older sister about how he is definitely in love with Andi. That same sister Maria gets emotional talking to Andi about how she just doesn’t want to see him hurt again.

His ADORABLE youngest sister Bella has a list of prepared questions for Andi like “What do you like most about my brother?” She’s freaking cute. I can’t stand how cute she is. Andi is also really great with her. I love this segment with no irony!

Nick’s talk with his mom about how much he loves Andi and wants to spend his life with her is great. He cries! Nick cries because he feels that Andi is a half of him that has been missing! Ok. Alright. We’re at the point of the show where I feel things. I feel things. A boy crying to his mom who is also crying about how much he loves a girl? I mean come on. I’m not a monster.

As they kiss good-bye, Nick doesn’t take the opportunity to tell her he loves her. He says there will be time to do that later. “I don’t think of her as the Bachelorette anymore. I just think of her as my girl,” Nick says as his parting words.

Next stop is Arlington, Iowa (Population 758) to meet Farmer Chris and his down-home family! “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here,” Andi says of her trepidations of really seeing what life would be like in Iowa. Chris looks super handsome in a vest and a plaid shirt on his own farm. I’m dying.

They go on a quick tour of his house. It’s a great little house that overlooks his huge farm. Andi is very impressed by a guy who owns a home rather than having a dinky apartment. Then Chris takes Andi out on the tractor to see the farm from that perspective, and he even lets her drive! She sits on his lap as he teaches her how to drive this humongous John Deer tractor.

“She asked me if she could sit on my lap and I said ‘I will never say no that question from you ever, I promise you that’,” Chris tells the cameras. Oh, swoon. Farmer Chris really tugging at the old heartstrings over here. Then they have a lovely little picnic in the middle of such a huge field I can’t see where it starts or ends.

Then they discuss what would happen if they live together. Chris really feels that Iowa is important to him and his whole life and family. He’s very understanding that you have to enjoy your lifestyle and where you live otherwise you’ll never be happy even if you’re in love. And then Andi asks what she would do for work in Arlington, Iowa and the FIRST THING CHRIS SAYS IS, “Well there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” And then I black out for forty-five minutes.

ANDI IS A LAWYER. FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA. YOU DON’T HAVE THE KIND OF WORK ETHIC AND DRIVE AND INTELLIGENCE TO GO THROUGH LAW SCHOOL TO JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY TO BE A HOME MAKER WITH THE JUNIOR LEAGUE. WHAT. GOOD LORD. KILL ME. I WOULD RATHER DIE.

But then he says that Cedar Rapids is a vibrant community that isn’t too far away, and she would have opportunities to practice law in some form. And I’m breathing regular air again and not just steam and fire.

And then I black out for another forty-five minutes because as they’re sitting there Chris points up to a crop-duster plane dragging a sign that says “Chris loves Andi!” and he says, “no secret admirer anymore!” And Andi is so completely taken by it. She says it’s the most romantic gesture ever. I want to die at how hokey and tacky and like not cute that is.

They arrive at Chris’ parents’ farm house which is very large and modern and nice. They are successful farmers I guess. There are so many huge bear hugs that happen as soon as Chris and Andi walk in the door. His mother Linda and his father Gary (GARY!) are adorable. His sisters are adorable too. I love this family.

The three sisters get together with Andi and cackle as they share dirty secrets about Chris’ childhood. They also sing his praises and you can tell how much they love him and are proud of him. I like those ladies a lot. They are good sisters.

Chris’s mom is the BEST THOUGH. She’s THE BEST. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She is straight talking and smart and knows TRUTH, y’all. When Chris says that it may seem strange he’s fallen in love so fast she says, “Well no. When it’s love it happens just like that. It doesn’t take much time with love.” And then she tells him how she was a girl from town and had never driven a tractor, but she met his father and seeing him on a tractor would just stop her heart. So she adapted and raised her kids on a farm and drove a tractor, and there’s nothing nowadays that would stop Andi from being a successful woman who also lives on a farm.

LIKE I SAID, THE BEST. She never said homemaker either so props to mom.

Then Linda and Andi talk and Linda continues to be adorable and supportive and the best. “Times have changed. I want you to know that if you want to have your career, or even if you don’t, you can still have that on a farm. As long as you have gumption like I’ve got gumption. I think you’ve got gumption,” she tells Andi. SHE’S THE BEST MOM WHO’S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW. SHE AMAZING LIKE SEAN’S DAD IS AMAZING.

At the end of the night, the whole family of grown adults plays ghost in the graveyard. You guys. His family is amazing. Andi finds Chris and he whispers, “you’re so smart!” Andi says she is on cloud nine at the end of such an amazing hometown date.

Now we’re in what must be one of the Living Hell’s on Earth, Tampa, Florida for Josh’s hometown date. Josh is such a bro-ey dork I can’t stand it. They go to a park and play some baseball. He’s such a jock. Andi loves every second of him playing baseball and being in his element. I don’t get it. I don’t really get it with Josh in general. He’s too much of a meathead. He’s sweet and genuinely likes Andi but what else? What else is there?

A point of interest for me is that Josh played professional baseball for a number of years and then quit so he could be around his family more and support his little brother as he played quarterback in college and is now trying to get drafted. I’m always suspicious of families that push their children to be professional athletes. Same with show-biz families. Suspicious.

Andi is worried that tonight’s dinner will be all about Aaron and the NFL draft, which is special, but it’s also a special time for Josh as he might be introducing his family to his future wife.  Josh has a reasonably sized family of just two parents and one brother and one sister. Josh even cries a little bit as he introduces them all. His brother Aaron looks like his twin. His brother Aaron also gives the toast at dinner which is so f***ed I can’t really believe it.

Then they talk for what seems like three days about Aaron and the NFL. Andi doesn’t say two words because she doesn’t know anything about it.

His mom and dad talk to Andi only about if she’s willing to be part of their family inasmuch as they will be going to all of Aaron’s games if he’s drafted. They are very protective and very close as a family and that worries Andi. She worries that if she had a family with Josh, they wouldn’t have their own lives as well.

When Josh and his mother talk, she tells him that he has put himself last for so long that he deserves all this great love he’s got coming. Aaron is pretty nice too but I still can’t get over that the son gave the toast at family dinner. That’s not ok.

At the end of the day, she had a nice time because Andi is hell bent on always having fun. But I think Josh’s family is a little intense and the least “homey” feeling she’s gotten so far.

Finally, we go to Dallas, Texas for Marcus’ hometown. They just drive around (in his BENZ) as he plays tour guide to his city. Marcus has already said he’s in love and has expressed the he would already be ready to marry Andi. Andi’s worried this is too fast for where she is at with Marcus.

And then they go into an honest to shit night club in the day, and the Marcus walks away and comes back IN THE SAILOR COSTUME FROM THAT STRIP SHOW DATE. AND THEN HE DOES THE DANCE. SOLO. FOR ANDI.

I black out for at least ninety minutes this time. So awkward and uncomfortable but Andi is like, “it was so hot! Marcus is so hot! I wasn’t complaining!” And I’m not entertained. She says that Marcus is the hottest guy she’s ever dated which is so confusing to me. Like, he’s good looking, but he is not THAT insanely on-fire attractive. Right? Am I crazy here? Am I alone in this?

They walk into his family home and wow, wow, wow are they Polish. Marcus kind of sneaks by as not looking super Polish, but his family are the most Polish looking people imaginable. Beautiful, beautiful people with beautiful eastern European things all over the house. I love it. This feels right at home to me.

Andi and his sister Kathy talk about how Andi feels a little intimidated by the fact that Marcus falls so fast in love and is so quick in expressing it. She wonders if she can catch up to where he is emotionally.

Marcus has a very emotional conversation with is older brother Conrad about how much he appreciates and is grateful to him for being a father-figure to him when their dad left. Real emotions once again!

His lovely mother has a sweet conversation with Andi about how she was able to open Marcus up so quickly with his emotions and trust. “You are very bright and intelligent and of course very beautiful,” Elena says, “I see the sparkles in his eyes when he looks at you!” She is so sweet.

At the end of the night, Marcus tears up as he tells Andi that he loves her and is so happy she met his great family. Andi is touched by this and is really touched by how kind and warm his family was.

And then we break to Chris Harrison’s home in Los Angeles. All the guys and Andi gather with a full film crew to be told the news that Eric Hill has passed away. I don’t think they should have filmed this in the first place. I don’t think they should have shown it. I don’t agree with how much they showed and how long they showed it, so I’m not going to say anything about it other than that it is of course very sad and very difficult to watch people hear the news that someone they know has died.

Magically, twenty-four hours later, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. We start off right away with a fireside chat with Chris Harrison. My rock, Chris Harrison. Andi is very emotional about absolutely everything. She is emotional about Eric’s death, and sending someone home after meeting the families, and feeling happy about her love while something so tragic happened.

Chrarrison is so wise and strong and tells Andi that it’s ok to show emotion and that she doesn’t have to fake it up there, to just allow the emotions to flow and be true to herself. She pulls herself together long enough to come out to the rose ceremony and tell the guys how grateful she is for the love shown by their families. Then she picks up the first rose, pauses, and has to run off screen because she’s so overcome by emotion.

But we press on. And the first rose goes to Josh which greatly surprises me. The next goes to Chris which doesn’t surprise me at all. And then it’s down to Nick and Marcus, and, unsurprisingly it goes to Nick. He’s been her favorite for so long, and Marcus was the only one with whom she expressed any doubts. Poor Marcus. They have a very emotional good-bye. I feel bad for Marcus, but I know he’s going to get back. Andi says, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you gave me.” Which is deep and cuts deep. He’ll be ok. He will!

We must move ever onwards however. The famed and infamous Fantasy Suite dates are up next in beautiful Dominican Republic.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We’re back together again so soon. Isn’t this nice? I get to binge watch, and you can binge read right alongside me? Is not this simpler? Jk jk jk I’m not Loki. On today’s episode, Andi and the six remaining guys migrate to Brussels, Belgium. The episode is rife with tension and drama as the decisions made here will impact who goes home for the coveted Home Town Dates. And now, we begin.

The dudes are really showing off their muscles in Brussels! HA HA HA I’m so sorry (not really) but I had to. I had to. Anywho, the city is beautiful European, old-world blah blah very pretty. The boys are very excited about their plush ass suite, BUT LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU: DYLAN BAD-HAIR GOOD-FACE HAS PULLED HIS BAD HAIR INTO A TEENY-TINY PONYTAIL. IT’S SO TINY, BUT IT’S GREASY AND IT’S THERE. Do you think Dylan BH-GF has become self-aware?

Chrarrison stops by the plush ass suite to imbue the guys with a sense of dread of how important the home town dates are. Nick’s confidence is really starting to rub the guys the wrong way. He is very, very determined to be with this woman, but it’s not in a The Notebook kind of way. It’s in a jerky, almost creepy sort of way.

Marcus gets the first of two one-on-ones this week. There will also be a group date with a rose that guarantees a hometown date and then an additional one-on-one.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that Andi isn’t wearing a f***ing, GD turtleneck for her date with Marcus, but I can’t. Because I’d be lying. Because SOMEHOW wardrobe has finagled her into yet another turtleneck. WHAT HAS THIS SHOW AND MY LIFE BECOME THAT TURTLENECKS ABOUND?

Marcus and Andi do the standard Bachelorette date of just exploring the city doing fun things. I am really jealous of this one. They go to a beautiful chocolate shop, take selfies with landmarks, and buy some tacky souvenirs. They even eat mussels in Brussels at a sweet sidewalk café. Marcus tells her that he is full throttle in love with her. And for the first time, in this light at this angle, Marcus looks really good to me. He’s still a little boring, but at least he’s getting hotter? That’s not a thing, Cassie.

They eat an amazing Belgian waffle and she says, “I’m glad you’re a good eater!” They kiss. He talks to camera, and you can see the excitement and love radiating off of him. Ugh. Realness.

They change into fancy-wear and go to a big Belgian palace for dinner. Immediately we get into heavy topics like how Marcus’s dad left his mom and his younger siblings. Andi asks more about the people who would be at the date (as opposed to his father), and Marcus would love to share his family with him. It’s heavy stuff. His mom and his relationship was difficult, but they are in a good place now.

Then Andi and Marcus make out. A lot. In different locations. Making out. YEAAAAH!

Marcus comes home from the date, and Nick realizes that Andi must be somewhere in the hotel. And a plot doth form in his young mind. He trots off into the night to find his lady. Remember when I thought Nick was a simple, normal guy? Yeah I don’t think that assumption was correct. Andi is so shocked to see him because she was worried that something was wrong.

She changes into her casual clothes and they go for a midnight walk in Brussels. They end up at a sidewalk café together. It’s so romantic! SHUT UP! This is a bold, bold move, and Andi is right, it’s against the rules. But just like our old friend Clare, fortune favors the bold.  Nick tells her that he thinks about marrying her. They makeout at the café like a couple of real Europeans.

“I think if I had to chose one word to describe my relationship with Nick, it would have to be passion,” Andi says. “When he kisses me I can feel what he is thinking. It’s hot! It’s so hot.” Girlfriend I get it. But also be careful because the guys are going to resent him big time for this.

Then Josh gets the second one-on-one. “Let’s Ghent it on” the card reads. Whatever could it mean? Just kidding, it obviously means they’ll be exploring Ghent. They eat chocolate at several locations. Yes please! Andi wants Josh to get to a place where he can express his feelings. But then there’s a goose parade? Yes. That’s right. It’s a goose parade. Europeans, man. They love whimsy.

Andi is practically prying his true feelings out of him. He’s scared to and isn’t sharing quite like all the other guys and he needs to do that in order to stick around.

They have dinner in a giant, old castle. It’s amazing. They cuddle up on a couch set in this huge medieval hall. Andi asks more about why he was so uncomfortable last week. After much more mumbling and stumbling over his words, Josh tells Andi that he is, in fact, falling in love with her. And that to take a girl home to his family means that that is someone he might want to marry.

And then beautiful music begins to play and they dance and make out against a castle wall. And the music is actually furnished by folk group American Young playing a seriously gorgeous song in the middle of Ghent. This is really romantic except for being on a platform in front of a bunch of old Belgian couples.

Nick, Dylan, Brian, and Chris are on the group date together. Nick is very sure that he will have the group date rose. Dylan is still wearing his hair in a teeny-tiny ponytail. I think we need to adjust to our new normal here, gang. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face now wears a ponytail.

The group explores some ruins in the Belgian countryside. It is stunning and verdant and amazing. Dylan eloquently states that the “ruins” stood the test of time much like he hopes their love will. Now, Dylan, not to get picky here but the word “ruins” implies that, in fact, this place did not stand the test of time. Don’t wish for your love to end up in ruins.

 They actually take off on a rail bike that is powered by the four men pedaling a blue-metal chariot for Andi on the old train tracks. Brian starts off by quoting Dumb & Dumber by saying “it feels like your running at an incredible rate!” and now I’m in love with Brian.

The boys are dying pedaling this rail bike and come up with cute little games like rhyming to pass the time. When they get off the bikes, they get to go explore a monastery. It is a fully working monastery wherein no kissing is allowed. They actually have to say that so the dudes don’t go smooching on sacred ground.

But this is where the date rose will be given out. Which is really heavy handed and taking things REAL seriously. The date rose to be handed out on the grounds of a monastery? Ok!

Each guy gets some one-on-one time with Andi, and Chris is up first. They get to spin some pottery with zero supervision or instruction. THEN THEY KISS IN THE POTTERY STUDIO? THAT’S NOT ALLOWED? WTF GUYS? ANDI JUST SAID NO KISSING IN THE MONASTERY!

And then Andi also throws out to the group that whoever gets the rose continues on the date with her while the rest of the guys go home. They begin to panic. It’ll be ok guys.

Brian and Chris also take this time to hate Nick even more. The producer’s have kindly cut the footage so it looks like Nick has just been talking and talking and talking. They think he’s just thinking about strategy and how to play the game. I don’t know. I think he is thinking about that, but he’s thinking about that because I think he genuinely likes Andi. I don’t think he’s faking it.

Well, then it’s time for Coach Brian to walk and talk with Andi. Somehow it has become just part of “the game” that each contestant must profess that they are “falling in love with” the Bachelor/Bachelorette if they want to have any hope of getting a hometown date. So Brian takes his one-on-one time to do just that. Brian is so sweet and funny. I just love him. But I don’t know if Andi and he have that special connection.

Nick is still very self-assured in everything going on. He’s just confident that Andi will meet his family. Their conversation goes so well that they have to stand up and walk away from each other so they don’t kiss in the monastery. I would say that Nick is right to be so confident in moving onto hometowns, BUT I don’t know that he’ll get that date rose.

The moment of truth is upon us. The date rose goes to Nick. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked. You can see how crestfallen the other guys are. The three amigos pile into the backseat of a van and buckle their seatbelts together like the baseball team who just lost the big game. They each take turns saying, “fuck”. It’s hilarious.

“Andi just gave me the rose, and I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick says.  The happy couple changes clothes and arrive for dinner at a beautiful palace. Nick plants one giant kiss on her right away.

Back at the Plush Ass Suite, the guys all get really steamed together about how conniving and bad Nick is. Usually, I’m on everyone’s side about “the villain”. But this season? Really, guys? I don’t know. Nick is just really confident in what he has with Andi and isn’t playing with all the other boys. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not there to be with Andi or find love. I think he is. I do. I think Nick’s intentions in this are pure.

And the one-on-one date with Andi is more evidence of that. They kiss and giggle and talk about how they would be as parents and what the hometown will be like. As fireworks go off, they make out even more. “I do see that possibility of him standing at the very end,” Andi says. Yeah, I don’t think it’s much of a secret that barring any huge disasters, Nick is one of the finalists. But who else will join him?!

When Nick returns home from his “mini one-on-one” all the guys sit in stony silence. No one wants to hear how great his time with “their” “girlfriend” was. The camera pans to each of the guys to gauge their reactions. Brian is giggling into his wine glass. Josh coughs twice. Marcus stares at the floor. And Chris has a tiny, smug smile on his face.

They start digging into him, and honestly guys? I don’t care anymore. I don’t care how they think he’s a strategist and not there for Andi. I don’t CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN SELVES GUYS. Remember in first grade when someone would tattle on someone else and the teacher would say, “Thank you, Britney but you should only be worrying about Britney.” Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus, Dylan: you should only be worrying about Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus and Dylan!

The most notable thing is that Nick comes so, so, so close to saying everyone’s favorite Reality Show Catchphrase. “I didn’t come here to…be in a frat house,” says Nick. OOOH, so close buddy! But the sentiment is the same. You didn’t come here to make friends.

The guys arrive at a stunning chateau that production has bedecked with the requisite candles, tea lights, and pillows from Pier 1 Imports. Andi’s dress is intense. It’s midnight blue with some serious embellishment up top and down its long sleeves. Damn I love a gown with long sleeves.

During the cocktail party, the guys seem to know that Marcus and Josh are most definitely going to Hometowns. So Chris, Brian, and Dylan are all sweating it out as to who the final rose will go to. Andi also basically tells us as much, too.

Everyone is nervously pulling her aside to robotically remind Andi that they are each falling in love with her. Even Nick pulls her aside to have a moment with her despite having a rose. The guys accordingly react.

But the moment of truth is swift upon us. Andi gives a stirring speech about how seriously she takes hometowns. That for her, it means she sees a serious possibility of being with that person for the rest of her life.

Roses go to, of course, Josh and Marcus first. And that leaves our three boys to sweat it out. In the end, it goes to Farmer Chris. And I think that’s the right call. My sad little heart weeps for Coach Brian and Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face. Dylan cries. Andi cries. Brian cries. Andi cries more. It’s an emotions FESTIVAL in that chateau.

But I think Andi has the right final four. And hometowns are going to be really interesting I think with several of these guys. But it’s also the episode during which they find out that Eric has died. And that’s going to be really emotional and difficult to watch. So bear with me as I figure out how to convey everything that’s going on with a very serious subject on a very ridiculous show.

Until then my loves! My hope is to be all caught up by the time we get to the Men Tell All on Monday. Fingers crossed!

The Bachelorette - Week 6 Recap

We’re here! It took me so long to get all caught up with everything in my life, and sadly these had to take the back burner for a moment. But now I am back babaaaay, and ready to go. Let’s dive into love with our friend Andi. It’s week six, and this rag-tag group of fools has hit Venice, Italy. They arrive by ship, calling and cooing to the gods of love and art that they are here to appreciate none of it.

Andi greets the guys just off the canal, and says the one-on-one date is starting right away. Everyone is expecting it to be Cody because he’s the only one who hasn’t had one yet. But jk, y’all. Nick gets the date! They play the scary Intervention music as everyone panics for Cody.

“I feel like the pet dog of the group, like I’m just being drug along,” Cody says. And that is seriously depressing. Poor Cody. You are a Grade A Jabronie, but no one wants to feel like a pet dog.

Andi is taking this one-on-one date with Nick to really feel things out with him and see if there was any reason to be suspicious of him after last week’s drama. They are whisked away in, what else, a gondola.

The guys are staying in Abano Terme which is, according to the copy they gave JJ to read, “gorgeous and just minutes away from Venice.” Farmer Chris takes up his role as this season’s Renee and talks things out with Cody. He supports his feelings of unease, but also agrees that Andi is taking this opportunity to talk things through with Nick.

With the help of a trusty guidebook, Andi and Nick explore Venice holding hands, buying pizzas and gelato, and generally being pretty cute. Over all this both of them are just saying words, words, words about last week and wanting to start over with a clean slate and Andi worrying about getting too swept up in the romance. But, as Hamlet and we all know, those are just words, words, words.

Nick feels really positive about their date though, and that, according to him, “We’re back!” Andi feels better but still has questions she needs answered.

“Going into tonight, it’s sink or swim for Nick,” she says.

And then the scene changes to night and Andi changes into her best dress yet. It is black with gold leaf effect and is very dramatic. They walk into an insane, I mean, insane, Venetian masquerade hall for dinner. Nick is in a tux. Andi’s dress is SLAMMING. This room is INCREDIBLE.  But Andi gets right down to brass tacks about last week and what exactly went down.

Nick feels like he was attacked unfairly and his feelings were hurt by Cody calling him arrogant. He is very straightforward about the fact that he knows what he and Andi share is special, and that he doesn’t want to be rude to the other guys. He also doesn’t want to put them ahead of what he has with her. That seems to satisfy Andi and all her questions. I guess it works for me too.

 They keep whispering though. Why are they whispering so much? Is it because the hall echoes and the sound guy was like, “whisper or nothing!”

 “I’m definitely falling in love,” Nick giggles, “I know we have a long way to go, but I definitely am.”

And the deal is sealed for Andi! He gets the date rose no problem. After both putting on fancy masks, they go out to a patio and dance to a little quartet. It’s romantic as shit.

Date card time! Josh, Brian, Dylan BH-GF, Marcus, JJ, and Chris have their names called out which means Cody will get his one-on-one!

Before the group date starts, Andi gets another note from her secret admirer. She does her best to feign intrigue and delight as she wonders who it could possibly be. This secret admirer business is the lamest attempt at wooing this show has seen since that guy on Emily’s season wore a mask for the first three weeks.

The guys and Andi do a little Venice exploring together, then head up to Monselice Castle. They walk into the dungeon and everyone’s like, “Che cosa?” Then through a creaky wrought-iron door walk the two most Italian dudes of all time. They are presented as two of Italy’s best in the field of reading and administering lie detector tests.

The first scary guy says something in Italian. Then the next guy, clutching a leather bound book because COMEDY, says, “We are here to make with you a lie detector test” in what I can only pray is the first of many silly translation issues.

The dudes are a little freaked out. “I never lie,” JJ says, “No, that’s a lie. I try not to though!” Ugh JJ stop being so irrepressibly adorable.

Andi goes first to get the ball rolling and to show that this trust thing is a two-way street. Right. The guys freak out in the courtyard while Andi answers such hard-hitting questions as, “Is Italy your favorite country in the world?” and “Do you think all the guys are here for the right reasons?”

She’s done awfully quickly, and then it’s Josh’s turn. He appears to be the most skeptical and mistrusting of why she feels the need to do this. Josh has completely forgotten that he is on a television show that lives and dies by the ratings it achieves through sensationalist actions, but no matter! He still does it. The main questions asked of all the guys is, “Are you here for a right reason?” and “Are you ready for marriage?”

“Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?” the tiny bald Italian man asks. Dylan says no. I mean that’s FAIR. Not every guy does! GROSS. But like, ok.

Dylan then pulls Andi aside to tell her he’s going home because he’s really not feeling well. When she asks what hurts he slaps his tummy and his head because he’s a child. Sweet man. Simple man. Go home, Dylan, feel better.

Chris reveals that he is the secret admirer and is worried that when she sees he has lied to her (about that) it’ll be bad. Oh hush, have a little faith Chris. She’s gonna eat it up like so much ravioli.

And now the results are in! According to the tiny, bald Italian man “Three guys told no lies. One man told two lies. Two men told three lies.” He then hands Andi the results of the test, and then shares that Andi told two lies and hands the men the results. I bet one of her lies was that Italy is NOT her favorite country in the world. Chilling stuff.

So Josh is continuing to be so perturbed by a lie detector test saying that he trusts Andi implicitly and doesn’t need no stinking tests. Brian rips open her results right away though because he’s a human person who is naturally curious about shit like that. And LO! WHAT HO! It looks like Andi DID lie about Italy being her fave country and also about thinking all the guys are there for the right reasons. Now that, the latter lie there, that is chilling stuff. Kind of. In terms of what this show is going for.

After a big rigmarole of will she or won’t she tear up the test results, Andi tears them up! She TEARS. THEM. UP. After spending all this time talking about trust and putting those poor professional, Italian lie-detector men through an afternoon of ass-hattery, she TORE THEM UP? Baloney. Josh is really puffed about it and thinks it “speaks volumes of her” that she could have so much trust. Does it? Does it, Josh?

And then we have a quick, acid trip where Cody and Nick are silently in a sauna together? Have I inadvertently dropped some acid? No? Ok. Cody and Nick are just silently hating each other from within a sauna together.

But the group date goes on. After a quick costume change, they arrive back at the castle. JJ is so adorable I can’t really stand it, but he is dressed like a wizard trying to pass for a muggle: Purple pants, sport coat, linen shirt, big multi-colored striped scarf. JJ should follow that “always take one thing off before leaving the house” rule big time.

Brian pulls her away first to get some quality time. He does a “fun” little recreation of the lie detector test from before. It’s a solid “dad” move. I get a very “dad” vibe overall from Brian.

The boys are wildly postulating as to who could possibly be the secret admirer? I think Chris thinks he’s playing it cool but he’s darting his eyes around wildly and being like, “Maybe we’ll never know!” and then staring off into the middle distance. “Who cares?” is what I say. BUT NO ONE CARES WHAT I SAY.

Marcus and Andi continue moving right along the vibe train. These two really like each other, but Marcus is kind of oatmeal to me. He’s just…there. But he feels really strongly for her and  she for him. He reveals that before his one-on-one he was thinking about leaving the show because he was so weirded out by “the process”. But he didn’t. They kiss and we see his tongue big time.

With Josh’s one-on-one time, he decides to bring up that the lie detector test was weird because he thought that she trusted him. And she says, “You read that much into it, huh?” which translates to “the producers made me do this you big dumb galoot”.  Andi gets kind of defensive with him because he’s getting so defensive and strange about the lie detector.

The whole conversation throws Andi into a really emotional place where she questions everything about what she’s doing there and if it’s going to work out. She cries to camera as she worries that maybe putting her entire life on hold to come find a husband and eternal love was all for nothing. She mainly regrets not reading those test results. A-DUH-DOI!

But as she’s clearly upset after her talk with Josh, Chris pulls Andi aside to awkwardly tell her like a shy little boy that he was her secret admirer. They kiss, and it helps Andi feel better about the whole day.

And for that little ray of hope and puppy-like cuteness, Chris gets the date rose. But the drama ain’t over yet, honey! As everyone sits there with fake smiles of congratulations for Chris, JJ speaks up. Whether this was induced by jetlag, extreme fatigue, alcohol, or any other mind altering substance, we’ll never know. But JJ says, “No offense Chris,” which is a cool way to be informed you’re about to be offended. “No offense Chris, I’m really happy for you that you got it but I’m getting a little sick of everybody congratulating everybody else getting roses and getting one-on-one dates.”

He explains that it’s weird to be congratulating guys on getting further along in the process when that means that everyone else’s fate is that much unsure. The guys jump on him right away asking, “Well what’s the alternative?” Chris gets pretty defensive which is hot. He’s not just all sunshine and rainbows. Chris tells JJ that if he wants to sit there and be “sour grapes” that’s fine because he “couldn’t give less of a f***”. NICE.

Now it’s time for Agent Cody Banks. Just kidding it’s time for Cody’s date, but remember that movie with Frankie Muniz and Paul Giamatti turning blue?

WERE YOU WORRIED THAT WE WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH AN ENTIRE EPISODE WITHOUT THE APPEARANCE OF A TURTLENECK? FEAR NOT, FAIR READERS, FOR HERE IN VERONA WHERE WE LAY OUR SCENE, WE SEE A GRAY SWEATER TURTLENECK ON LOVELY ANDI. It’s paired with this bizarre pink skirt. I don’t get the outfit at all.

Andi is so excited to be on the date with Cody because he has “the most amazing eyes”. Does he? Or are we just grasping at straws for something nice to say about Agent Cody?

The Code-ster is really excited and just all smiles as they walk around old Verona. He’s such a giggly mess. They go to The Juliet Club and help answer some Letters to Juliet. This stunningly elegant and beautiful Italian woman explains the Juliet Club to them and asks them to help.

They read one letter from a new divorcee asking about how to feel confident getting back on the dating scene and another from a boy asking for help being confident around the girl he is in love with. Both letters are very sweet, and I can’t help but enjoy this whole part. But then Cody crafts a response to the dude and tells him that he can relate because he has the same thing with a great girl named Andi.

Now. Fine Cody. Way to share with Andi in a cool way that you have feelings for her and she gives you butterflies in your stomach but ALSO. These are supposed to be responses FROM JULIET. NOT YOU. NOT A 32 YEAR OLD PERSONAL TRAINER FROM CHICAGO IN VERONA ON A LARK. Come on, man. Use your big old noggin.

At dinner Andi is wearing some tight, tight pants that I first couldn’t tell were pants. It’s a cute ensemble though once I realized she was wearing pants. Cody is wearing a black deep V and a stripey blazer. It’s a rough look.

He starts right away by saying that he was inspired by their activities to write a little letter of his own. “Dear Juliet,” he starts, “I’m writing to you about my own love story. About a year ago, I was watching TV, and I saw a very beautiful girl step out of a limo. And I knew she was special” Oh Boy. “The first time we met, I knew we had a connection. Since then I’ve had time to get to know her and I’ve learned she’s a beautiful, down to earth girl, and has all the qualities I’m looking for in a wife. Today was our first date, and she has not let me down. And I hope for many more dates. And I also hope she helps me write my greatest love story.” Oh boy. He finishes by asking Juliet to bless their love story. Yikes! OH YIKES! I don’t think it’s happening for Cody, and after that letter this is gonna be like punching a puppy.

He professes more of his feelings for her. And as he professes more to Andi how much he likes her and wants to know more about her, she starts crying. “The longer you keep me around, you’re in trouble because you’re gonna like me more and more,” Cody says.

And that’s where she cuts him off. She explains that she just feels that their friendship is there but the romance isn’t. Andi feels so appreciated and lifted up by Cody and can see what a great, great guy he is, but ultimately doesn’t feel the romantic side of things at all.

She cries and gets really emotional as she tells him why she can’t take him to next week. He takes the rejection like a real pro though. He is so respectful and generous to her. Cody, you leave like a true gentleman. You need a little bit of a style-overhaul, but you’re a sweetheart.

The rose ceremony will be at the oldest winery in Italy (maybe) in Verona. The men pull up in enormous Rolls Royces. They’re are all a titter because they really need this time with Andi to make their feelings known and put it all on the line one last time.

Andi is in a slinky, sparkly black dress that is allotting for an intense amount of side boob. Nick pulls Andi away first and all the guys are pretty steamed because he already has a rose. But Andi really likes it because he took control of the situation like a man. Chris is very disappointed in Nick’s behavior, and the rest of the men appear to be in the anti-Nick boat.

The rest of the rose ceremony continues with the typical show-boating and emotions-bearing. Then Andi has a great fireside chat with Chrarrison who helps Andi to debrief her not so great week. She feels great going forward that her husband is there, but it’s getting harder with fewer and fewer guys.

Roses go out to: Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, Brian, and Marcus. Then it’s down to just JJ and Josh. My J-boys. And then, to my great chagrin, the final rose goes to Josh. JJ knows it before she even says it. He’s so crushed and sad. I’m so crushed and sad! JJ! My little pantsapreneur! I love you so! Come heal your wounds with me in Chicago! I will cook you delicious dinners and make you salsas from scratch J-JAYYYYYYYY!

Whew. What a rollercoaster this week was, huh? And it can only get crazier from here. That’ll be fun. This party is moving along to Brussels, Belgium. Cool! I can’t wait. Of course you won’t have to wait a full week for that recap, hopefully it’ll go up on Friday. Until then my loves! Ciao!

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Wowee, everybody. It feels like EONS since last we met and Andi was handing out roses like freshly minted hundred dollar bills. But thanks to the grace of network television, we’re back. And this week Andi and her rugged band of brigands are off to the beautiful Mediterranean shores of Marseilles, France.

We’re now at the part of the show where I feel deeply jealous of these hooligans who are traveling to some of the most beautiful places in the world on ABC’s dime. Lucky bastards. Marseilles is obviously beautiful with that old world, French charm with markets and stone buildings and docks of big boats.

The boys arrive hooting and hollering random words in French to make sure the French know they are there and continue to hate them.  After they settle into what I would call one of the more moderate plush ass suites, Josh gets the first date card.

Before we get the Josh Suave Shakedown, Andi has some council with the one and only Chrarrison! He sneaks up behind her at an open air café wearing, WHAT ELSE but a TURTLENECK. If someone had sat me down before this season started and asked me what the most absurd recurring theme was going to be, I never would have guessed TURTLENECKS. What is this, NINETEEN NINETY-SIX?

Chrarrison is charming as ever and so is Andi. They have a great natural chemistry, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Ashley’s season on the Bachelorette. Chrarrs asks her point blank if she’s falling in love, and she avoids the question by saying “Shit…”. She admits it’s not just with one guy though! OOoooOO! Chris gets a few positive-spin zingers in there.  More Chrarrison time please. That was fun.

The two little lovebirds are going to be exploring Marseilles together, simple as that. Where would this show be without open air markets? How many a time has love been found between the stalls of friendly artisans and farmers and cheese mongers selling their wares? They order two sandwiches that are never to be seen again, and then when walking down a street that has both water and boats docked beside it, Andi says, “So I guess this is like a harbor.”

Yes, Andi. This is “like” a harbor. Boats + dock + water = harbor.

And the next thing you know they are slicing through the water in a boat. If Andi and Chris have good friendship chemistry, the sexual chemistry between Andi and Josh is dynamite. These two are hot for each other but also manage to have an actual discussion about his career while canoodling on the front of a boat in the Mediterranean Sea.

Back at L’Hotel de Douche, Andrew is getting antsy about proving to Andi who he really is as a person. He’s hoping his name isn’t on the group date card that Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face is reading right now. We’ve got Marcus, Dylan BH-GF, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and Andrew. Andrew and his snaggle tooth are none too pleased.

Josh and Andi’s boat drops them off at a place called The Calanques, some stunning wooded rock formations in the sea. It’s like something out of a fantasy novel. They walk up to a singular wooden bench as if production was like “Eh, you’re on a rock formation. You’ll get those Pier 1 pillows when you’re back on terra firma.”

They talk more about Josh’s baseball career, but at the heart of it, Andi is concerned that their physical connection is the only thing they have. She even invokes the name of You-Know-Who Juan Pablo saying they had a great physical connection but, “Oh my GOD, I could never be with him!”. So we’ll see. Right now I have a touch more faith in Josh than Juanie-P.

But we have other things to talk about like Andrew’s snaggle tooth and apparent RACISM. In L’Hotel de Douche (which I now realize in French means Shower Hotel and not Douche Hotel BUT I WILL PRESS ON), JJ tells Marquel that at the very first rose ceremony after Marquel got his rose, Andrew nudged JJ and said, “Oh she gave them to the two blackies.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..……….WHAT?

BLACKIES!? IS THIS THE EIGHTEEN NINETIES? WHAT THE HELL, ANDREW? I mean does this show have an awe-inspiring lack of diversity? Yes. But let’s not use the incredibly offensive and outdated word BLACKIES. BLACKIE. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*** ANDREW? It’s so offensive I can’t fully wrap my mind around it. And Marquel is rightfully steamed and confused about what to do. On the one hand, we know Andrew is an ass that will deny it. On the other hand, Marquel has a right to call someone out for so thoroughly disrespecting him.

Marquel gets emotional talking to camera about why he’s so conflicted about this. He doesn’t want to stir up trouble, but it hurts him that “No matter how you treat someone, they still have this idea of you. You know? Judge me off of me. It’s crazy to think that the first thing people are gonna think about me is ‘Ok that’s a black guy’ and that’s it.” I am frustrated that Marquel feels he has to defend himself for being hurt that someone was goddamn racist towards him. I am frustrated that Marquel is having to deal with this period.

THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME DEAL WITH A LOT OF REALNESS THIS SEASON. FIRST DEATH AND NOW RACISM? I don’t come here for things that we talk about in real life. I come here for theater of the absurd!

Somehow there is still a date going on. Josh and Andi pull up to Palais Longchamp which is a legitimate palace. It is stunning. They are all gussied up and looking beautiful. Andi is really feeling like tonight is a chance to have a deep discussion with Josh and connect on a deeper level. They use the word “athlete” as a defining characteristic more than one would think possible.

They are talking incredibly close. Lots of close talking about love and past relationships blaaaah blah blah. Andi clearly gets what she wants in terms of an emotional connection with Josh. He gets the rose. And then we have another private concert! This time it’s from Ben Fields. They dance and kiss. The End!

Now let’s get this group date drama started! We’ve got Marquel and Andrew trapped together and we’ve also been promised some words between Cody and Nick.

Ohhhh giddyup. Start your engines, kids! It’s MIME TIME! That’s right the boys are doing mime, Andi says in the producer-concocted theory that it’s really about teaching them the importance of non-verbal communication in relationships.

“I know absolutely nothing about miming except they use a lot of like their hands and…do activities,” Dylan says with the least amount of enthusiasm.  Oh Dylan. You sweet baboon. Your hair is ok today and it’s making that good face of yours look even better.

After a good instruction session from an adorable old French mime, they guys get changed into traditional garb to go perform on the square. This is embarrassing not only for them but also for America, and I would like to propose a retroactive petition for them to not.

Except they very quickly win me over because the adorableness factor is through the roof! Farmer Chris jumps right up there and does his best mime. The people of Marseilles are indifferent at best. It comes as no surprise to me that Marquel, who is a clown in everyday life, is super into mime and is probably the best one.

After the initial awkwardness, all the guys get into it and it does look like fun. Mostly the kids of the town come out and the guys are great with them. JJ shines by being so positive and ADORABLE. Everyone is having fun…except for one person. Andi calls out Nick for pouting.

“Salty, salty Nick,” Andi says. He’s upset to be on a group date and sharing his time with Andi. Andi’s thoughts are to suck it up, basically.

At the cocktail party, Andi has done the unthinkable and donned YET ANOTHER turtleneck sweater. She's got this cute little french ponytail hair situation and a black f***ing turtleneck. We are living in this reality.

JJ pulls Andi aside right away. He (the producers) had this great idea of stealing Andi away for some extended one on one time. So he (the producers) took her on the Ferris Wheel at night. It’s beautiful and quite romantic. I also just adore JJ and his endless supply of good fashion sense.

All is not quiet on the Western Front, however, as the guys start to dig into Nick a little bit for basically being a smug bastard this whole date. They say he always acts like he’s above it all and acts as if he knows he’s “the front runner”. Even Patrick, who is hot but friends with Andrew and therefore of questionable moral fiber, calls him out saying there’s a difference between confidence and being an asshole. Cody straight up asks him, “Do you think you’re the front runner in all this?”

And Nick replies, “Eh. Yeah.” Which is bold. Boldy-boldy, bold move in front of all these other alpha dogs. And just then Andi and JJ come back in. JJ is precious and wearing a big dumb smile, but Andi immediately senses the tension.

Farmer Chris tells Andi a little bit about the things being said, but he’s even scared to tell her like the sweet, sweet puppy of a man he is. Andi realizes that if Nicest Guy in the World Chris is saying something, she needs to look into it.

Cody is still laying into Nick and keeps throwing the words “homie” and “bro” around. Cody is accusing Nick of mocking him for some random something about being grateful? He keeps saying “homie” though, and it’s hard to take his stake in the conversation seriously when he says “homie” every third word.

So when Nick and Andi have their time she calls him out for being “salty” during the date despite him telling her he had fun. I somehow don’t believe him. She tries to press him about what the drama is between him and the guys right now. He is forthright about the details, but Andi points out how much he’s downplaying the whole situation. She wonders if he’s not emotionally manipulating her.

But don’t worry. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads because Nick has a POEM. A POEM. To read to Andi. Look. Chris put me through the ringer last season with his poetry and it was all garbage and he won, but still. Do you guys know how difficult it is to transcribe each line of that garbage? It is difficult and it means I get to suffer through it five or six times as many times as other people. SO I’M NOT GONNA DO IT. You can’t make me. He says some choice words like “When I look at you I see beauty/ When I look at you I see strength” so let that just paint the outlines of the picture with words he painted.

She seems guarded during the whole exchange because I think she realizes how much she likes him but also realizes that there might be a side to him she doesn’t see. So we’ll see with Nick. I still like him, but I think he needs to shape up or ship out.

AND THE DRAMA CONTINUES as Marquel confronts Andrew in front of the other guys which is a good idea so that things don’t get out of hand. Marquel just places the facts out there but doesn’t throw JJ under the bus. He is very calm and mature about the whole ordeal. Andrew reacts pretty strongly that he did not say that at all. He is clear about how he aims to treat every single person in the house with equal respect, regardless of who they are, where they come from, or how much money they make.

I think the argument could be made either way here. Since we don’t have proof, we have to speculate. Either Andrew was reacting strongly because it would be terrible to be accused of saying something so offensive and derogatory towards someone, or Andrew reacted that way because he wanted to overcompensate for actually saying that not wanting to get caught in being a “bad guy”.

But we aren’t here for philosophical debates; we’re here for some sappy romance and overproduced special moments. So JJ gets the rose for being adorable and taking her on a Ferris wheel! Nick is being a pouty-pouty poo-poo about this.

Brian has the final one-on-one. He is nervous for his date because he knows they’re going to be cooking. They trek off through picturesque Marseilles, and then they pop into the “cinema” to watch a movie. Cinema seems a little generous for the vacant potato cellar they are occupying. It’s an empty stone room with a projection screen and a leather couch and one sad popcorn machine.

They watch a movie called “The 100 Foot Journey” about an Indian man and French woman falling in love through cooking.  I kind of want to see it with my mom real bad. Helen Mirren is in it.

Brian and Andi try their damndest to make analogies for how the movie is like a relationship. Whatever guys, the good part is them going through the market and picking out the foods to make their dinner. I’m jealous.  They get frog legs to prepare like a couple of professional amateurs.

As they arrive at Andi’s super cute apartment though, things get strange. Brian gets very quiet because he’s so nervous to be in the kitchen. Andi is put off a lot by this because the mood before was so free and easy and now it’s tense and strange. It should be a romantic fun time, but Brian’s nerves are getting the better of him.

They try the frog legs and both hate them, and Andi’s also feeling like there’s no flavor in the relationship. So they scrap all the food they made and get boeuf bourguignon at an outdoor café. They love the food, and now Brian is realizing that he should’ve been more open while they were cooking. He tries to open up and calls out that he was just feeling shy in the kitchen. They kiss and smile a lot. And he gets the rose. Then he takes her back into the kitchen of the café to kiss her and make up for not doing it in the apartment earlier. Smooth move, buddy. Smoothiest.

In the darkening twilight of a palatial estate, a Rolls Royce brings Andi her men to the cocktail party. Andi’s hair is in a big voluminous braid and a sequined dark blue dress. They match the romantic décor of the estate perfectly. She sits down with the Chrarrison to hash out what she wants to do this week. Andi doesn’t need a cocktail party because she feels sure of which relationships aren’t going anywhere. She is cutting three guys.

This throws the guys into a downright tizzy. They are all visibly deflated about not getting a final chance to talk to Andi. Dylan’s bad hair is the worst it’s been. He has it parted down the center and then the front little tendrils are expertly gelled. Why didn’t anyone stop him? JJ I’m blaming you.

Josh, JJ, and Brian are on a separate pedestal for they have already received roses. Andi walks out and gets the ball rolling. Roses go out to Marcus, Nick, Chris, Dylan BH-GF, and the final rose goes to CODY. I make a noise like a swooping bald eagle because CODY? F***ING CODY? HE’S THE BIGGEST JABRONIE AROUND.

So Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel are going home. I think it’s time for Andrew, but Andrew was his own worst enemy. He’s blaming everyone else for the fact that he didn’t have a stronger connection with Andi. Which is definitely a quality one wants in a partner. Patrick is upset and tells us, “I have been told by many people, not just girls, that I have many qualities that would make me paramount as a husband.” Which….where do I start? I’ll start with SHUT UP YOU TWAT. And I think we’ll end there too. Shut up. You twat.

Marquel is the one I’m saddest to see go because he was the most genuine guy out of those three. He was a clown, but he was a nice guy who was a class act through every moment. Best of luck to you Marquel! Please don’t allow yourself to feel down about the fact that you were cut at the same time as Andrew and Patrick the Douche Patrol.

That’s it for this week. Next week we are moving on to Venice where there will be masquerades and gondolas and, of course, the famous Venetian Lie Detector Test that Shall Stir Up Much Displeasure Amongst All Parties Involved.

I can’t wait.

Until then, I’ll be over here. Doing my thing and posting pics of hot guys and random youtube videos of Tom Hiddleston. And I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod extolling the various virtues of certain World Cup players bodies. Ciao, bello!

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Ok night two. Once again I am armed with Summer Shandy (the nectar of the gods) and ready to take on everything this episode has to throw at me. And if previews and general hubbub is to be trusted, it’s going to throw a lot at me. So let’s not waste any more time and get to it!

Andi is bringing her show on the road to the East Coast and more specifically…Connecticut? Sure. Why not go to Connecticut on a mission for love. It is very lovely, but just not the usual for the Bachelorette. Whoever is willing to sponsor though, am I right?

Farmer Chris is so excited to keep Andi warm in snowy Connecticut and can’t believe how nice their hotel is! He’s so sweet and simple I just diiiie. The date card comes as soon as the men have toured their plush ass suite and the first one-on-one is going to Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!!! Someone in the house has convinced him to gel his hair less, so I’m excited for how this goes. Put down the hair gel! Take the world by storm Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!

They are taking the Essex Steam Train on a whimsical, charming journey along the eastern seaboard. “You know I think Dylan and I’s [sic] relationship is going to take a turn today,” Andi says. And I burry my face in my hands and shake my little head because “I’s” IS NOT A WORD. THE POSSESIVE FORM OF I IS MY AND YOU ALL KNOW THAT SO STOP TRYING TO SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN “MY” WHEN YOU MEAN “MY”. THERE IS NO “I’S”.

Ahem, anyhow. They settle into the lounge car and start to talk about dates and past relationships blaaaaaaaah. Dylan’s Bad Hair is really, really bad today. Less gel, but it’s so, so long. He talks about his last relationship that lasted 8 years and that he found out his ex got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral. He then stares out the window to hold back from crying.

This all makes Andi uncomfortable. She can “feel Dylan’s story weighing him down and she just wants him to feel comfortable enough to open up to her. Their conversation doesn’t come so easy and natural, and Andi feels that the weight of his “story” is holding them back. I’m feeling the same, and that if he also can’t get past his nerves, he’ll be going home without a rose tonight.

Group Date Card says “Who’s got game?” and everyone turns into crazy gorillas. JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick, and Josh. Josh is disappointed to not be getting a coveted one-on-one date but is going to try to make the most of the situation.

The love train has made a stop so that the lovebirds can have some dinner and talk things over. Andi is wearing another stunning black turtleneck and this strange overcoat thing that looks like something Emily Gilmore would wear.

Andi tries really hard to make Dylan feel comfortable and tells him that he can open and be “the real Dylan…sooner rather than later.” He starts to steel himself up to bring out the truth and just put things on the table.

“Right now it’s just me and my mom, and my grandma, grandfather, and uncle,” Dylan says. He shares he never grew up with a father. And then delves into the story about how both his sister and brother, within three years of each other, died from drug overdoses. He cries while telling her, and Andi has tears welling up in her eyes because you can see how hard it is for Dylan to share. Oh Dylan, sweet, sweet Dylan BH-GF.

“I don’t want you to just feel bad for me and keep me around because of that,” he says. He keeps dabbing his eyes with his napkin. Where they are is where he grew up with his family and it’s flooding him with good memories. Andi almost feels guilty and cries to camera because she wishes she hadn’t stirred up all those feelings for Dylan.

As they sit with FULL PLATES OF UNTOUCHED FOOD in front of them, Andi gives him the date rose for being so brave, and vulnerable, and open with her. Hooray for Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face! He really does have a sweet, sweet face. Let’s just hope he can really pull it through and be a great, fun, whole person now that the nerves are gone.

It’s time for the group date now. There is a full basketball arena within the hotel they’re staying in, so they all arrive to shoot some hoops. Everybody shows off their skills, and Brian is so excited to be on his home turf as a basketball player/coach. But he’s being sweet about it, not ass-holey about it like Bradley with opera.

Then Andi comes out with her dream team of WNBA superstars. Josh is thoroughly impressed because he is a fan of WNBA, and that makes me a much bigger fan of Josh! The women obviously smoke the dudes who flounder like so many fish against titans of strength and power.

And then the terrible thing that I hate happens. They get split up into teams to play against each other, and only the winning team gets to continue on the date later that night. No, no, no. NO. This has never turned out well for anyone ever in the storied history of this show. Brian takes it upon himself to coach and pump the team up. This episode has made me a fan of Brian. “Hustle and defense wins championships,” he tells them. It’s so cute.

Josh is the captain of the other team and they are getting pumped up like a bunch of meat heads. Farmer Chris says, “Come on! We can kick their asses!” and it’s the CUTEST THING BECAUSE HE’S SO SWEET YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T REALLY MEAN IT. Oh Farmer Chris, you have my heart.

The game starts, and testosterone levels are through the roof. The competition is fierce, and as the game goes on, the WNBA stars giving color commentary and sage advice to Andi. I want to keep them around for color commentary and sage advice all the time please.

At halftime, the game is tied. Both teams are fully expecting to win. Marquel is so sure that he thinks the other boys are going back to the hotel “to eat cereal or whatever it is that losers eat.” Excuse me, Marquel? Everyone knows that Cereal is the breakfast of champions. Check yourself.

But the game very easily goes to the Red Team captained by Brian. They dominate out there, and the white team is so sad. Josh is especially disappointed because he hates losing but also really hates losing time with Andi. The whole team are such sad, rejected pound puppies.

The Red Team is Brian, Cody, Eric, Nick, Andrew, and Marquel. Andi is excited that the second half of the date is a much smaller group and a more low key group.

Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. She is worried that their relationship is not moving forward enough and tells him as much. They are both really honestly talking about how hard the situation is and how hard it is to be so formal all the time. Andi really pulls to have him talk more about his life other than his work. So in the interest of opening up more, he tells her all about his family.

And then he drops a huge bomb that he was raised Mormon, and she had no idea about that. He shares how giving up his religion did not mean that he lost his family like he feared.  And they really have a good talk, so much so that Andi feels like they are back on track to where they should be.

With Brian, they head back to the court so he can give her some personal lessons in basketball. He’s so patient and really great with her. He’s another one of those guys that is so normal and nice and good-looking but not too perfect attractive. As a bet, he makes a perfect half-court shot. Andi is really taken by this and so attracted to him. He doesn’t take the opportunity to kiss her though! He should have! He knows he should have and missed all the signs! BRIAN!

Of course the time spent with Nick is great and all kissy-kissy because those two really like each other. Nick is totally smitten with her.

But Brian does get the date rose as he should have! He was so great all day as MVP on and off the court, so hopefully he’ll get his kiss later on.

So Marcus is getting the second one-on-date in a card that said “The sky’s the limit.” Andi is really nervous for this date because she’s going to overcome her fear of heights. They are repelling off the hotel, 30 stories down. So dumb. If you’re going to repel off anything, why a freaking hotel in the middle of nowhere Connecticut?

It’s very windy, and both Marcus and Andi are really freaking out. As they sit on the ledge about to click in, Marcus says, “Any last words?” and she goes, “F**K”. Which sums up the whole experience pretty well.

Marcus clicks in and gets set, and Andi seriously has a panic attack and can’t get off the ledge. Marcus is actually really great through the whole thing. He’s encouraging her and helping her and is really awesome about the whole thing. They finally get all set and start repelling. They are repelling right by the Bachelor’s plush ass suite and everyone waves!

Marcus gets her feeling comfortable by talking about her mom! And it’s so, so cute. I’m starting to get Marcus a little. He gets her talking about her mom who plays majong and golfs poorly. And then it’s smooth sailing. They kiss on the side of the building, and celebrate like crazy when they finally make it down. Good for them.

At dinner, the first thing Marcus does is cover up the date rose so it doesn’t make him nervous. He opens up about learning to trust again after his last relationship ended very suddenly and admits he feels he can trust Andi. She eats this up, duh. And of course Marcus gets the date rose. And he deserves it. I might be coming around on Marcus a little bit.

And then the bonus at the end of the date is a concert by Jon Hardy (???) the traditional C-list country singer they always tromp out for these things. They kiss and dance on the little platform and Marcus tells her he thinks he’s falling in love with her. Which is…fast…

The day of the rose ceremony is upon us and I guess this is where all the drama will be going down today. In her suite, Andi gets a special delivery of a love letter from a secret admirer. She thinks it’s cute. I think it’s dumb. Standard stuff.

As the men gather in their formal wear for the ceremony, you can tell how tense everyone is. Andi feels great and “a sense of calm” going into tonight which is some great dramatic irony knowing what’s to come. Her dress looks like gilded crocodile skin, and it’s sort of fine but very Dreamgirls.

Tasos pulls Andi aside first to talk to her, and they have a nice chat. Tasos is sort of fine. Tolerable but nothing special. They get interrupted by Brian who wants to make up for missing the opportunity to kiss her the other night. So he takes her back to center court to kiss her, and it’s pretty cute. It’s all dark in there, and I am a fan of Coach Brian. So is Andi.

Then she’s got time with Marquel. She really likes him and how goofy he is, but that’s why I don’t like him. Marquel is a clown. He’s just never serious and yeah it’s nice to laugh but ughhh just straighten out a little Marquel. He teaches her some self defense while he sits on a loveseat.

Then Eric wants to pull her aside and tell her how he’s feeling. He says that when he woke up, he realized that if things are going how they’ve been going, they are going nowhere. So Eric pulls her aside to say that he feels like Andi isn’t being open and vulnerable with him. He says he’s had glimpses of the real her but ultimately says, “I came here to meet a real person, not a TV actress.”

Woooooow. Heavy. I mean. Yikes. On the one hand, maybe she isn’t sharing as much deep stuff with the guys as they are with her, but that’s just the nature of the show. That’s what they signed up for. So on the one hand, he has a point, but also it’s just the show.

He goes on to say he feels like she always has a poker face on. She takes great offense to this. Andi is taken aback and fires back at him saying how tired she is trying to make every person there feel respected and heard. She’s doing her absolute best for everyone, and so for him to fire out that she’s just “acting” and “fake” is incredibly hurtful. She starts to cry and raises her voice to such a degree that the other guys hear her.

“I cannot fight for someone who doesn’t believe in me, and I don’t think you do,” says Andi. And she calls it quits on him right there. They hug and wish each other the best but it’s cold on both sides. The shit…hath hitteth…the fan..eth.

Eric walks away feeling, in general, really surprised about the way that went down. I think at the bottom of it, he wanted to say that he wanted to get to know the real Andi and keep breaking down their walls together, and instead it just came off as an attack of character. I truly don’t believe he meant for it to be that way, but when you pair all those high stakes emotions with  Andi being exhausted and stretched a little too thin, it’s explosive. He gets into a cab and the final voice over we hear from Eric is about how ready he is right now for love and a family because that is what life is all about. And then my heart bleeds out a little because that is so sad.

As for the other guys, Andi walks right into the room and tells them that if anyone else thinks she has a poker face and thinks it’s a joke, then they can just walk themselves out right there. “If anyone else thinks this isn’t real, there’s the door because this is SO real to me!” she says. She apologizes for feeling like she’s yelling at them, but she’s just feeling passionate.

And then something a little strange happens. When we come back from commercial, we see Chris Harrison on a set. Chrarrison tells us that in light of Eric’s passing, they decided that they should spend some time talking about Eric rather than showing a dramatic rose ceremony. Andi is there too, and they just talk about his time on the show and that final scene we just watched go down. It’s hard to do this without making his life seem trivial, so I’ll just leave it that everyone was really heartbroken to hear of his passing. Andi also laments that that was the last conversation she had with him and didn’t get a chance to kind of forgive each other at the Men Tell All.

And then Chris Harrison mentions very briefly that tonight we’ve said goodbye to Tasos, and that’s pretty much that. I don’t feel the best about how they did that, but what else would I have had them do? I’m not sure.

In good news, we are traveling to Europe next episode! The bad news is that there’s a two week break before the next episode hits the tubes. They are traveling to Marseilles, France, and I am the most jealous you can imagine. It’s beautiful; there’s miming; there’s drama; there’s more turtlenecks! I’ll see you all here in two long week’s time. Please pop on over and join me on Twitter @chasspod and let’s fill up that Ask Box to help tide us all over. Love!

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

Even armed with a twelve pack of Summer Shandy, I’m not sure I’m prepared for this week’s double-header of The Bachelorette. But with tonight, the third episode, Andi and Company are already hitting that rowdy road off to Santa Barbara. That is even faster than usual to begin the traveling.

“I’m so lucky to be here in Santa Barbara. This place is unbelievable from the sand, to the air, to the mountains,” Andi beams. She is thrilled to be both in the lap of luxury and in for some serious romance.

Back at the bro-mansion, Chris Harrison breaks the news to the guys that they are going to Santa Barbara to join her on the dates for the week. First guy making the journey is Nick V! The cutie-patootie from Chicago. “Let’s ride off into the sunset,” the date card reads.

He puts on an adorable olive-drab henley, scoring infinity points in my book. They are going to go bike riding through the town and just have a relaxing date. She is excited that this date on bikes and at the beach is just normal and chill, something they might do in real life.

In LA at the mansion, Andrew and Marcus are having an in depth discussion about Nick’s odds of coming home while both sitting shirtless on a tiny settee on the patio. They tell us that Nick is the biggest skeptic of “the process” in the house, so it could work to his benefit, or it couldn’t. But I’m mostly distracted about the homo-eroticism of two men sitting in towels and heatedly discussing the love life of another man.

After bike riding, Nick and Andi do some hiking in the gorgeous foothill mountains just outside Santa Barbara. They have a really calm, natural energy between them, and Andi is right. By Bachelorette standards, this date is fairly normal/low-key.

Atop a small mesa, Nick tells Andi that he feels the natural amount of skepticism about “the process”, but that he’s been so impressed by her so far she’s blowing him away. Nick is just a regular dude: a great, nice regular dude that if I met in Chicago, I probably would never have pegged as someone who’d be on the Bachelorette. But here he is. Doing great. Being a normal, kind of dorky dude.

They climb farther up the hills to watch a stunning sunset. I do like them together, so we’ll see how far this little “schoolboy crush” goes.

The dinner portion of the date is at the old Santa Barbara courthouse that is in that beautiful, traditional Spanish mission style. She starts right away by asking him why he thinks he’s still single. So he dives into his whole love life including a long high school relationship, a quickly broken engagement, and why all that led him to where he is. Andi loves his honesty and supports his decision to break off an engagement when he knew it wasn’t right.

As they continue talking, Andi realizes that they share a lot of the same views when it comes to love and finding someone to spend your life with. She says it’s “obvious” there’s a connection. She gives him the date rose with the promise that she’ll “make [him] a believer in all this.” They kiss from the top of the bell tower, and it looks like a pretty good kiss, lemme you tell you what.

Now it’s time for the group date I’ve been most looking forward to. These are the men participating: Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus. “Let’s start things off on the right note” says the date card and the men are convinced it’s karaoke.

It’s not karaoke though; it’s so, so, so, so much better. I should start this off by saying I am 100%, un-ironically, obsessed with Boyz II Men. Like there is no group with tighter, more beautiful harmonies in the last thirty years. AND I’M SO EXCITED THEY ARE THERE TO COACH THESE DUDES.

Bradley the Opera Dork is already doing arpeggios on the car ride to warm up. I’ll kill him. Such an embarrassment to Holland, Michigan home of New Holland Brewery and Hope College and two stunning state park beaches!

They are at the Music Academy of the West and enter an auditorium to the three remaining members of Boyz II Men singing “I’ll Make Love to You.” The dudes are appropriately pumped. I have goosebumps because of beautiful harmonieeeeeees!!! I’m so EXCITED FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in the 7th grade,” Eric admits. Amazing, dude. Bradley already tries to sing, and I hope he chokes. Josh is really nervous because he’s not trained like Bradley but I think today the underdog shall prevail.

The guys split off into two groups to start rehearsing with their respective Boy II Man. And oh my god! OH MY GOOOOOOD. THEY ARE ALL TONE DEAF. I’M LAUGHING SO HARD I’M CRYING AT JOSH JUST NOT EVEN CLOSE TO MATCHING THE NOTES THE PIANO IS MAKING. Cody is also very not good. Brian is worse than both of them put together. I am SCREECHING and CACKLING with abandon as we cut to Marcus who at least knows how to get away with talk-singing, but it still hurts me so bad.

This is already 100%, without a doubt, my favorite group date in Bachelorette history on sheer entertainment level. Bradley is singing like an opera singer and that hurts me almost as bad as the tone-deaf singing. Tasos is ok. Compared to the rest he’s an American Idol. As they practice the harmonies together it sounds like a pack of wild dogs. They know they suck, so it’s at least laughing with them (but also a good dose of laughing AT them).

Andi is also so, so, so tone deaf it’s incredible, but she is such a good sport with it all. She’s winning me over by being so hilarious and fun with everything. Bradley won’t stop being the WORST, and I can’t wait for the final performance in front of people.

The Boyz are giving some great color commentary about two or three of the guys being able to carry a tune well enough to bring it to water and drown it. I’m laughing on purpose; I’m laughing at their expense. I’m laughing so much. Please, please find a clip of this online and listen in because it will make your life a better place.

The concert starts up with the Boyz II Men singing their new and old hits and slaying the crowd. Marquel is thrilled and says they are #blessed to have the opportunity to sing with them.

The bachelors make their way up to the stage through the soaring voices of the Boyz. They enjoy the concert as nerves rise and rise. During one song, Cody leans over to Andi and says, “hey, whatever happens, this is an awesome experience.” I hate Cody so much, but he is so right in this situation.

Both groups of guys get on stage. One group is in khaki jackets and red ties, and the other group is in matching blue cardigans with bow ties and baseball hats. The music starts up and they do the traditional 90s R&B low-talking to their “girl” at the beginning. Would you be shocked to hear that Bradley starts out? And he’s singing it straight opera-style, and Josh Groban he ain’t. This is not meant to be sung like a trained opera singer, BRADLEY. IT SHOULD COME FROM YOUR HEART AND YOUR LOINS NOT YOUR DUMB DIAPHRAM.

Eric does passably well. Cody is very bad. Brian hurts my ears so much. They are butchering the song but commit to it like someone at karaoke singing Whitney Houston when they know they are in way over their head but having so much fun anyway. Andrew is terrible. Marcus doesn’t remember the words. Bradley is straight up hogging the mic. Everyone is in agreement that they had a blast and it was fun despite ruining the song. I agree too. That was a blast for me.

The cocktail party is poolside at the resort, and Andi is in a killer hot pink, draped, one shoulder dress. She pulls Cody (ugggh) aside first because she feels like she and Cody share a similar sense of humor, and she wants to try a little prank. So she sets up by saying she heard “chatter” that he has a girlfriend.

Cody is shocked and then says, “I’ve been single for about three and half years!” Dawg, you such a playa no one can hold the Cody down for too long, ‘nah mean?! Ha HAAAAA!

But anyways Andi goes on and says, “Well there are guys who’ve been saying you have a girlfriend…and that’s she’s A STRIPPER!!!” AND THEN THEY LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH. WHAT A HILARIOUS PRANK. Wow. I almost crack a smile it’s so funny, but then I don’t because nothing will ever make me laugh like those men trying to sing a 90s R&B classic.

Man, do they ever laugh. Cody is such a jabronie, and I can’t handle him. But a fun thing is that you can see that his natural hair and eyebrow color is growing in without the opportunity to bleach it every third day. I hope he continues to metamorphose into a normal human man.

Eric is starting to worry about their connection and wondering if it’s perhaps faded a little bit since the initial heat of the first date. Andi tries to reassure him that it’s just a different setting and that she still feels the same for him. Eric accepts this.

Nick brings the date card at the mansion over to the three remaining men sweating it out in the hot tub together. The date is going to JJ! My favorite pantsapreneur around!!!

Marcus is feeling pretty nervous about being around all these other guys when he’s developing real feelings for her. He’s hoping he’ll get his first kiss with her tonight. I 1000% do not understand her obsession with him. They kiss. Marcus feels really great about it. I do not.

Josh continues to be adorable with is dimples and tiny scarf on his big body. They make out hardcore because she likes him a lot. He is kind of yucky and VERY, VERY sensual. I’m sorry I just said sensual, you guys, but there is no other word for the way Josh is behaving. He’s close talking and whispering and interspersing tiny kisses with long, deep kisses. Josh got mad game, yo.

And for “opening up” to her (WITH HIS MOUTH HOLE) the date rose goes to Josh. He’s stoked. Bradley is crestfallen in a dumb red satin tie. SATIN. I mean honestly.

And now it’s time for JJ’s date. He’s so tall and cute. Andi is stoked, as am I. He is wearing quite the pair of pants that I can only assume are his design. The date today though is the most cracked thing you could imagine.

They are going to “grow old together” which is funny in theory, but in actuality they are just being put into full body old age makeup complete with hair, clothes, and I imagine a ton of spirit gum. It really feels like the producers were scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one.

JJ looks like the Crypt Keeper, legitamtely, and he says it. “I look like a creepy old uncle or grandfather! Whatever…I look like a really creepy old man.” They both have a good hearty laugh about how dumb he looks and kind of cute she is. They go for a walk on the boardwalk to try and fool some people with their act. I don’t like it. They basically just stage whisper to people as their old people voice, and it is just terrifying.

But they both seem to have a lot of fun with roaming around Santa Barbara on motor scooters.

They yuck it up throwing a football around a park and doing some cartwheels. They just keep laughing fooling all these people. I don’t think they’re really fooling anyone, but they both have so much fun. They share an awkward first kiss swinging around on a tire swing.

Um and then in the CUTEST moment of the whole day, JJ pulls a Werther’s Orignal out of his pocket for Andi. Then they ride a carousel together and continue to be generally adorable.

Meanwhile, Ron gets a distressing phone call. He’s pacing around the driveway of the mansion and speaking in Hebrew/English to someone. He packs all his bags as the guys wildly speculate as to what happened. He comes in to say good-bye, and share that his close friend has passed away. He’s so cute. Literally my roommate and I were just cooing over him during the group date, and I feel so bad for him. Poor Ron! Godspeed. We wish you well.

 Back at the date for dinner, the two meet up back to their normal, young selves. JJ is still dressed kind of like an old man, but in the most charming and adorable way. He will probably have a rough patch of adult acne for the next week because of that makeup though.

JJ really opens up about being picked on and having to switch schools because he was having such a hard time. And he talks about how it’s hard for him as a weird, quirky guy to find a girl that will really love him. JJ! You SWEET, PEACH OF A MAN. Andi assures him that they all worry about finding someone and encourages him to continue just being himself.

He’s so cute, you guys. I can’t stand it.

More Mansion Drama is going on with the men though. Not boy-fights, but Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face has some life stuff he’s worried about telling Andi. So in the interest of telling someone before he explodes from nerves, he tells Farmer Chris, who is turning out to be the Renee of this season. He’s such a sweetheart as he listens to Dylan BH-GF pour his heart out about having both a sister and a brother pass away from drug abuse. This poor, poor man. He cries a little and Chris puts a reassuring hand on his back. These two. Like a couple of puppies.

Andi is really taken with JJ though in all his goofy, sweet ways. He tells her about his most recent past relationship and blah, blah, blah. Can you all tell that this is always my least favorite part? No one cares! Get to the good stuff! JJ’s talking a lot though, so I hope Andi’s not turned off by that.

She gives him the date rose though and they share a lovely kiss that isn’t hindered by layers of old-age makeup and spirit gum.

At the start of the rose ceremony, Andi sheds a tear or two over Ron having to leave. Her heart is aching for him and his loss, and she is so grateful for the men sacrificing their time to be there. Andi’s dress tonight is on point. Finally. It’s this deep raspberry, strapless number. I love it.

While Andi is talking to Eric and having a good time, a delivery guy walks in and hands her a bouquet of flowers she has to sign for. “I wish I was responsible for this,” Eric whispers as Andi reads the heartfelt card from none other than…Nick! That is a slick, slick move Nick (the Producers). How very cunning of you (the producers) to concoct such an elaborate scheme.

Andi feels really bad for being so happy about the flowers while Eric is sitting there. He is totally thrown off his game. Poor Eric.

Nick totally wins all of the points from Andi for sending those flowers. She loves that it seems like real life that he just sent the girl he likes flowers. Nick admits that he wants to make this process seem as close to real life as possible and do exactly what he’d do under normal circumstances. Andi loves this, of course.

But once again, and I have a feeling not for the last time in the next two episodes, drama erupts. JJ pulls Josh aside to discuss what they witnessed the week prior when they went out to dinner, and Andrew not only got the hostesses number, but also bragged about it to the other guys at dinner.

Josh and JJ are the truth police and pull Andrew aside to talk to him about it. I at least like that they talk to Andrew about it first, instead of running straight to Andi. The phrase “here for the right reasons” gets thrown around a lot. And Andrew just says “I’m not going to engage in this. I’m sorry.” And walks away which is exactly how a guilty asshole behaves. They chase him through the house demanding he “man up” and are finally turned away by him slamming a door.

Andrew decides to come out of his temper tantrum ready for battle. He feels that Josh and JJ attacked him, and you know, he’s the type of person who will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, “even dorks, even assholes, even the f***ing nerds.” SHOTS FIRED, ANDREW. SHOTS. FIRED.

He comes downstairs to confront the guys in the kitchen over a cheese platter and some cocktail meatballs (I’m hungry). He tries to defend himself saying that he was handed a phone number and that was that. But all the other guys are saying that no, he “got” a girl’s number then proceeded to brag about it to everyone else in the van on the way home and to the other guys in his room back at the house. He’s being an absolute ass hat about the whole thing. I don’t like this guy to begin with, so every move he makes just digs him deeper and deeper into being a smarmy yucko.

Andrew won’t stoop to the level of the “three lowlifes” who confronted him. What an ass.

But with all that being said, we go straight into the rose ceremony with nothing being said to Andi. Which leads me to believe that the major drama tomorrow night will be as a result of this shit hitting the fan.

Roses go to: Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and the final rose goes to Andrew.

Which leaves Brett the hairstylist with a mullet-mohawk and Bradley the Dweebus opera singer going home. It also leaves tensions high and hackles raised amongst the remaining guys with Andrew squeaking by. Until tomorrow, folks! We’ll see you there.

The Bachelor - After the Final Rose Recap

Jumping straight into After the Final Rose because never before have we needed to have so many questions answered. I’m so confused about so many things, and I need Chrarrison to pull me through.

“Why was ‘I like you a lot’ enough for Nikki to accept the final rose?” Chris Harrison asks us. Why, indeed, Chris? Why, indeed?

No time is wasted bringing Clare on stage in a stunning black leather, a-line dress. Girl has style. I think it speaks to the depth of the lack of character of Juan Pablo that I went from being so annoyed with Clare to being so completely on her side.

Chris asks her about what happened that made her so sure of that proposal. She talks about the night in her hotel room where he had every opportunity to ACTUALLY be honest with her. “Tell me your fears because these are mine. Tell me your worries because these are mine. Tell me your doubts because I’ll be out of here,” she says. And she also explains how disappointing it was to hear Juan Pablo say something so offensive and rude to her in the helicopter. “I was definitely wearing those rose colored glasses,” she says about her temporary forgiveness.

“I should have left. My gut was right on. I should have left,” Clare admits. Chris Harrison is very respectful in his questioning. I think we get the answers we want to hear from Clare without feeling like Chris is peeling her open against her will. So respectful is he, in fact, that he asks if she wants to talk to and see Juan Pablo tonight. She says no. “Because never before had I been able to stand up to a man like that before…It was so liberating to stand there and say ‘this is how I feel and it’s not okay’” she explains. That was her closure. And that was enough. The audience applauds wildly.  Goodnight, Clare. I wish you good things in your life. I hope you can take this opportunity to relax and let love come to you when it’s ready. Who am I anymore? I don’t know, but I genuinely want that for her.

“Finally,” is the first thing Juan Pablo says as he comes out on stage. He sends a quick shout out to pray for Venezuela in their time of turmoil. Indeed. But let’s not stray from the point. “At the end of the day I had to make the decision that was right for me and it is what it is,” he explains about what happened. WHO TAUGHT HIM THOSE WORDS?! I’LL FIND YOU.

This guy is so full of hot air. He blathers on for a while about how hard it was for him and how he did the math that there were so many hours he spent on the show but only twenty hours were seen. And then Chris Harrison politely interrupts, as is custom for a host to do when the contestant is blathering. And Juan Pablo says, “Um can I talk?! Hoo! Can I talk?” and Chrarrison bowls right over him because NO. YOU CAN’T TALK YOU DOLLOP OF PRIMORDIAL OOZE. NO ONE DISRESPECTS MY CHRIS HARRISON. THAT MAN IS A SAINT AND A TREASURE. YOU SHUT UP.

When Chris asks him if he would have done anything differently regarding the helicopter comments, Juan Pablo demures that things were private and should be kept private and there are many things we didn’t hear. “Why should I have regret?” he asks. He genuinely doesn’t know to what Chris is referring. He doesn’t know that Clare was deeply offended by him saying “I don’t know you but I like f***ing you.” The rat bastard.

Juan Pablo goes away and we tromp Nikki out. She finally got her blond roots fixed and she is in a smoldering red dress. She is still in love. And she does not know if Juan Pablo is in love with her. “Um, not exactly,” is how she responds to the question “Has he told you that he loves you?”. I don’t know. Gah. Now we’re in the territory where it’s hard to tell what is truth and what is not. Do I feel like at this point he should know whether or not he loves her? Yes. If he does love her should he be telling her? Yes! Does he need to shout it from the mountain tops? Not necessarily, but he should TELL HER.

The couple finally reunites on TV and cuddle up on the couch. Juan Pablo is very excited that the trying four months in secret is over. When Chris Harrison asks what the big surprise he had promised to the producers in St. Lucia is, Juan Pablo plays dumb. He doesn’t know about any surprises. Nikki is his surprise but there are no other surprises.

So then Chris Harrison has to fill time. And he decides to pepper Juan Pablo with questions about how exactly he feels about Nikki. He wants him to say he loves her. But he won’t. And Nikki hasn’t said a word the whole time. She’s like a silent prisoner wife being obedient and silent, and it’s hard to watch. This is a smart, strong, independent woman, but she seems so complacent and deadened.

Juan Pablo goes on and on and on about how it’s personal and he’s not going to just say it to say it and he wants to be honest. He disrespects Chrarrison AGAIN by calling him out for interrupting him. Rude.

We get Sean Lowe’s opinion on the matter. He basically says that everyone is different, to each their own, but it is part of the process to lose a certain amount of privacy. And it is Sean’s nature to tell a woman the second he feels it to let her know he loves her! To tell her and hear it back!

“This is supposed to be the good part!...This is the time to shine and express your feelings!” Chris says.

Juan Pablo won’t play along. Nikki finally gets to chime in after being asked how she feels about it. She basically says that they are happy. They are treating it like a real relationship. That unlike other couples who come on After the Final Rose, they are actually a real couple who aren’t just saying they’re in love because they’re supposed to. On the one hand, yes. Maybe it’s good you’re taking it slower than others have in the past, but also I think if you’re with a guy who can’t say the words “I love you” to you, that’s not a great sign.

“Our plans changed drastically two weeks ago after the filming of the Women Tell All, but you know, it’s private. Now begins the private part of our lives,” Juan Pablo says of the future of their relationship. Ok, buddy. Yeah. “now” being after the full week of interviews you are contractually obligated to give to all the shows on ABC and the tabloids and magazines and everything? Ok great.

Nikki silently sits there and lets Juan Pablo talk for her. He kindly disagrees with Sean’s opinion that it’s not public, it’s private. And Sean shakes his head and laughs, “I hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but after this it doesn’t stay private.”

And his lovely wife Catherine chimes in saying how confusing this whole thing is, and “This show is about love and finding someone…don’t slap the hand that fed you.” Juan Pablo doesn’t know that expression, which I won’t fault him for. But I agree 100% with Catherine. He signed up for this. This is part of the deal.

Chris agrees too and explains that he understands wanting to keep some parts private, but why wouldn’t you want to celebrate the good part which is that Juan Pablo did find someone to be happy with and that he loves, yet refuses to say.

“Twelve years I’ve been doing this! This is a Bachelor first. Easily,” Chris Harrison shrugs to camera and then promises us the big reveal of the next Bachelorette.

Who, if we couldn’t have predicted beforehand, we now all know is Andi, our plucky ADA from Atlanta. This is perfect. I think Andi gets the show. She gets the process and is “open to the process”. I think Andi has just the right amount of chutzpa to have a sense of humor about things, but still ultimately be successful in this. I like Andi a lot, and I’m really looking forward to her upcoming season.

She comes on stage in an awesome silver sequined mini dress. She is breathless and nervous, but is stunning. “I just don’t wanna pop this dress!” she says. That is exactly the kind of spunk we need! Chris Harrison and she joke along to make sure she understands the process will be televised and that if she falls in love and might have to tell the world. She feels all in and is so ready for this. She is ready to fall in love and maybe get engaged.

Which might happen sooner rather than later! In two short months I’ll be back doing weekly recaps, as always on Wednesday. Please feel free to submit questions and comments, I always do my best to get back to you. It’s so much fun for me to get to know people from all over the world who love this show. It’s such a weird, great thing knowing so many people give a rat’s behind what I have to say about all the madness. It is appreciated and so delightful.

So until the Bachelorette is back on our TV screens, follow along here at the blog for all sorts of pop culture fun. Follow along with me over on Twitter @Chasspod. And as always, besos mis amores. Stay awesome. 

The Bachelor - The Final Rose Recap

It’s finally here everybody. Our long national nightmare is coming to an end. The Vile Beast of a man, Juan Pablo, is going to make his final decision and give out a final rose. Or will he? Or, will he give the rose and be rejected? I hope so. I hope Juan Pablo ends up cold and alone to fully ruminate on his horrible behavior and how it got him NOTHING. But let’s not put the cart before the horse.

Open to Chris Harrison standing on his victory dais in the middle of the studio audience filled with single ladies and matronly moms, as well as a few Bachelor Family all-stars. He promises us that Juan Pablo has a big surprise planned, and that we will get answers to many of the burning questions we’ve had all season like IS JUAN PABLO THE WORST DUDE, OR THE WORST DUDE?

The first third of the episode is dedicated to the ladies meeting and being interviewed by Juan Pablo’s family. The whole clan of Galavis’ are there: mom, dad, brother Rodrigo, sister Anita (from Venezuela!), with his niece, and cousin Rodolfo and his clear braces. Clare has the first family day, and is, of course, all smiles and excitement.

“Today, I’m gonna keep an eye on Clare to see how she interacts, and I’m gonna see how she is with my family,” Juan Pablo explains. Sounds cool and possessive. Clare comes in and everyone is just lovely, and Camila is being freaking adorable. Clare cannot handle how wonderful it is to see Juan Pablo with his daughter. She says it makes him even sexier to see him being a good dad.

When asked about kids and family, Clare is giving all the appropriate answers that she wants a big family. She’s charming and bubbly. Her time talking to his mother is sweet. She seems lovely. But she does warn Clare, “He sometimes is very rude…his honesty but he says the things very rude.” They bond over the fact that he has made both of them cry! DELIGHTFUL AND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!

Rodolfo and his clear braces are very intense in their questioning. He right away asks if she is in love and she says she’s “definitely falling in love with him.” Then he says that when things get rough, Juan Pablo likes to walk away, but can Clare have the strength to hold on?  She says that the one thing she is sure of is how much she loves. And I like that answer, but I don’t like the question. Maybe Juan Pablo should work on fighting to keep a relationship instead of walking away when things get rough?

His dad is an absolute DOLL. He is so warm and welcoming to Clare. He calls her a mature, secure, wonderful woman and that he loves her already. Clare says he’s a gentleman and can see where Juan Pablo gets it. I say, how can his dad be such a kind, warm gentleman and Juan Pablo such a narcissistic dick hole?

Back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison promises this to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history…I never use that word”. Chris Harrison is becoming sentient. When he asks the audience if they think it’s going to be Clare there is a slow smattering of applause, but for Nikki there is a dull roar.

But here comes Nikki’s family “date”! Cousin Rodolfo is very excited to meet her, but why aren’t we talking more to hot brother Rodrigo? Hot brother Rodrigo has more of the tall, dark, and handsome Latin look. More Rodrigo, por favor!

Nikki sits down with his dad. She has all the right answers about wanting a family, but then Dad warns her, “You know, he’s not an easy guy. It’s always what he wants…he thinks he knows the truth of everything. Everything!” And THAT is accurate. What has frustrated me so much about Juan Pablo is that he has never once admitted fault in any sense, for anything. He has never apologized or acknowledged that maybe he messed up, only placed blame because to him that’s the truth. It’s infuriating for someone to never be vulnerable enough to admit to fault.

With his mother, Nikki and she discuss what a weekend might look like with JP and Camila. She says he’s a very simple, normal guy, and asks if that’s really what Nikki wants. “Juan Pablo is not easy, but she’s very strong. If he asks her, I think she’s going to say yes,” his mom tells us.

Rodolfo and his braces are taking this way too seriously. You are just cousin Rodolfo! ¡Relájate! He once again brings up that when things get rough Juan Pablo tends to walk away. Red flags! So many red flags all over the place! His whole family has told both women how challenging Juan Pablo can be! HIS OWN FAMILY IS THROWING HIM UNDER THE BUS.

But Nikki feels more confident than ever that Juan Pablo is the guy for her and that he will be down on one knee in just a few days. She’s so excited for it. Dummy.

Before we get to the final dates for each woman, we have a chat with the live studio audience for their thoughts. Normally I hate this blatant running out the clock, but in this case, I want to hear how everyone is feeling about JP. Not great it turns out. The first woman stands up and just says, “This is going south real fast. This is gonna end bad. The family warned both of the gals against him, and they were like ‘it’s ok’ but it’s not ok!” And Chrarrison GIGGLES. He straight up GIGGLES “ees not okay!”

Then we talk to a dude to get his perspective; he’s Team Nikki. His wife thinks it’s hard to get a read on Juan Pablo. The third woman also feels it’s strange that his family warned the women about him being difficult. So now we get to the Bach Fam! I love them. Arie is there! But we go straight to Kelly because she’s the smartest and best. She repeats the same thing about the red flags being everywhere and both women ignoring them.

Catherine, wife of Sean, sheds light onto the tendency of women to ignore any warnings or red flags for the sake of wanting a relationship to work out so badly. It’s true. That woman is so wise.

In keeping with order, Clare has her last full day date with Juan Pablo first. The producers have decided to bless us with the helicopter ride we have been so greatly missing. They are both over the moon excited to be together and spend quality time. The helicopter takes off and the music soars! It’s beautiful! It’s extremely romantic to Clare!

Disaster strikes quickly though. And disaster is no exaggeration.

“So as the helicopter’s landing, we have a rare moment together no cameras, no microphones, just us and the pilot. And Juan Pablo leans over and whispers something to me. What I thought was going to be kind, sweet nothings was not what came out of his mouth. And I’m just shocked,” Clare explains. She then goes on, “He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he really doesn’t know me, and some sexual thing I don’t even want to repeat. It was insulting. It was offensive, and it just made me feel awful.”

All this is voiced over as JP practically drags Clare up a small hill to overlook the sea. She is so turned off. And now she’s angry and confused. “If he can’t tell me that he knows me well, or that there’s something more than a physical connection, then I’m outta here,” is the ultimatum Clare gives. And it’s a fair one. If a guy I had genuine feelings for said “I don’t know you very well, but I sure love f***ing you,” I would punch him once in the teeth, twice in the balls, walk away and never look back.

So tonight, as they meet for the final time, Clare is going to confront him. He arrives and she tells him to come on in. But he waits at the front door to pout like a child and ask for a “besito”. No, Juan. No besitos for you. The live audience claps as she continues to deny the requests for a besito.

So the confrontation begins. She says that he could have said anything in the world to her at that moment, but he chose to do something else. “What did I say? Remind me,” he says because Juan Pablo has the memory of a goldfish and can’t even keep track of the horrible vulgarities he’s put upon the women in his life. Clare goes on that she is worried he said that she doesn’t really know him, and that he doesn’t really know her. “Oh so that’s why you didn’t give me a besito?” he condescendingly asks. I’ll kill him.

Basically, when she is telling him that she wants much more out of life than a physical relationship, he tells her that her feelings aren’t valid because he was being what? Honest! He could sit there and lie to her, but in that moment “boom” he was honest. “What I know of you, I like. But there’s probably parts of you that I don’t know that I don’t like. I don’t know”. The reaction faces in the studio audience are mostly raised eyebrows and stank-glare. Clare threatens to leave again because she has much more to offer a relationship than something physical. Amen, Clare! Stand up for yourself!

“To me the no kissing is the best rule you have ever given me, but you’re the one who broke the rule in South Korea so don’t blame it on me,” he “jokes”. She defends herself and he’s like “I’m just kidding” AND I WANT TO CASTRATE HIM. DON’T YOU DARE SLUT SHAME HER MORE. DON’T YOU BLAME HER FOR ANYTHING YOU HUMAN GARBAGE SACK.

Then something weird happens. He tells her that he’s thinking about his daughter and weighing this decision heavily and blah, blah, blah. So she tells him that those are the kinds of things she wants to hear. What things? Empty platitudes? He explains that she’s so special to him because she met his family…just like Nikki. He talks about the future and having babies with her and moving to Sacramento. And he wins her back over. They snuggle up like deranged kittens. Clare now cries because she feels sure of what he told her. Juan Pablo plays that song by Josh Krajick that they heard on their first date. They kiss a lot. Fool.

The studio audience does not approve. The Bach Fam is disapproving especially. We talk to Sharleen who said it was hard to watch a woman ignore her intuition and be won over by someone being “quite patronizing, frankly”. Sean Lowe agrees “it was painful to watch” and was disappointed that Juan Pablo was talking in circles around her rather than shooting her straight.

Nikki is spending her final date on a catamaran with Juan Pablo to snuggle and sun bathe and swim. They talk about a lot of nothing. When Nikki tells him that sometimes he seems a little guarded, he says no. NO, of course you aren’t, you’re perfect and everyone else is wrong and stupid and you are the most amazing man ever to walk on Earth. EAT GLASS, JUAN PABLO.

At night they spend some time in Nikki’s suite as is custom. She just wants him to tell her that he loves her. She has said “I love you” to him and just wants to hear it back. Nikki expresses to him that she’s worried about things and is thinking a lot. He tells her, “It is what it is.” I would like to find the person who taught him the phrase “it is what it is” and inflict a deep punishment upon them. Bamboo shoots under the fingernails? Water boarding? They deserve pain.

Nikki presents Juan Pablo with a framed picture of them riding horses from the week before. She also presents him with a card saying she’s so grateful for the experience and that she loves him. In return he plants the slowest, weirdest, most fish-lipped kiss on her forehead. I want to die.

As JP leaves for the night and kisses her a few more times, Nikki already begins to cry. And she cries even harder after he leaves because she’s so scared about it all being over and not knowing how he truly feels.

The time is upon us! The final decision will shortly be made known! Juan Pablo is in a suit. The women are putting on beautiful dresses! BUT WHERE IS NEIL LANE?! MY FAVORITE LEATHER SHOE OF A MAN IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! The women voice over how excited and ready they are, but I’m still sad about everybody’s favorite Alien Lizard King and Jeweler not being seen.

The women arrive by boat, not unlike D-day and the beaches of Normandy. But who will arrive first and face certain heartbreak? Why, it’s Clare. Oh no. It’s Clare. This poor woman. As much as she is not my favorite person, I don’t actively wish her unhappiness, especially after what she has put up with from this total scumbag.

She arrives at the final podium with Juan Pablo. There are pregnant pauses as they both say how nervous they are. Clare gives a big speech about how through all the doubts and questions, she believes in the something special they have together.

Then he tells her how they’ve had their ups and downs and that she’s there because he wants her to be there. And as he’s talking, you can see her realizing what is happening. “I wish the Earth sucked me in today because this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made,” he says. And then he says that he “has to say good-bye” and goes in for a hug.

And she puts up both her hands to stop that and push him away. Because YES. She tells him off for not telling her two nights ago when he had the chance that he had doubts or couldn’t see it.His facial expression is so combative and defensive like Clare is the bad guy here.

“I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams, and I thought that was you,” she spits to him, pointing a finger at his chest, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were. Sharleen didn’t have the feelings for you. It wasn’t there. Andi did the same thing. You had every opportunity to tell me like those other girls did.”

“Do you know how I feel?” he retorts, “Do you know when my decision was made?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. I lost respect for you,” fumes Clare. And she starts to walk away, but just off the platform, she turns and she points her finger at him and says, “After what you just put me through, I would never want my kids to have a father like you.” And she DROPS THE MIC, AND WALKS AWAY. YOU GET THE LAST WORD CLARE. HOW FUN WAS THAT? YOU RULE. SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU.

Juan Pablo says, “Ok,” to her, then, “Hoo! I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” What an absolute child.

She continues to be a strong-ass woman to camera that a real man wouldn’t have done what he did. “Don’t tell me you love f***ing me! Don’t tell me you can see yourself in Sacramento! Just don’t say anything. Don’t. Say. Anything,” she hiccups through tears to us. “Where’s the man that makes me feel like I’m worth it? That would fight for me?”

I mean at this point, does Nikki understand that she is losing by winning Juan Pablo? You couldn’t pay me millions of dollars to be with that man. I’m sure he’s a more multi-dimensional person than the show necessarily allows us to see, but at the end of the day, this man said “I love f***ing you” to a woman he claimed to respect. And then got upset with her for thinking that’s unacceptable. And then rejected her. And that’s the mark of a disgusting and filthy soul.

Oh hooray, here comes Nikki. I’m so excited for her. She does look stunning though. Her royal indigo dress is stunning and her butt looks terrific. Nikki is so positive that he’s going to be proposing, and can’t wait to tell her mom that she’s engaged.

After her speech to him about how much she admires him and loves him. Juan Pablo tells her that he loves so many things

about her, foremost is how honest she is, just like him. HA HA HA. “It’s like a perfect time whenever I’m with you, especially your hometown. It made me think of your dad,” he says. He goes on to explain that her dad told him to be 100% sure when he proposes that it’s forever, and he’s not 100% sure that he wants to propose. But he IS 100% that he doesn’t want to let her go. “I like you a lot, a lot. So Nikki, will you accept my final rose?” he asks.

And she says, “Absolutely!” CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THIS IS UN-F***ING-BELIEVABLE. “I LIKE YOU A LOT”????????????? THAT’S ALL IT TAKES? NO. NO. I’M SORRY. WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM FOR WEEKS AND THEY RESPOND WITH “I LIKE YOU A LOT” YOU CRY FOREVER AND DUMP THEM SOONER RATHER THAN LATER BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SCALES TIPPED SO UNEVENLY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

And then show ends. Just like that. And in the past, I’ve never recapped the “After the Final Rose” Sepcial. But guess what? I have to. THAT’S RIGHT. Immediately following this post will be the “After the Final Rose” recap because there is MUCH we need to continue to discuss. 

It’ll be in a separate post. See you there in a jiffy!

The Bachelor - Episode 10 Recap

The Women Tell All

Juan  Pablo’s turbulent season of the Bachelor has moved along at quite the clip. Why, it feels like just yesterday we were eagerly anticipating Juan-uary, blissfully unaware of what a horrendous douche bag Juan Pablo would turn out to be. But here we are at the Women Tell All, one week away from a finale that I’m hoping ends in heartbreak for this guy. I often find this episode to be the most difficult to recap because it is either just a recap itself, or it is so dialogue heavy that it’s hard to pick and choose which quotes make it. And tonight is promised to be a brutally honest show-down between the women and Juan Pablo.

I can’t wait.

Chris Harrison opens by acknowledging that JP is a controversial and divisive Bachelor…and then we cut straight to tromping out Sean and Catherine to catch up about their wedding and their sex life. I care not! I love them, but I care not of their marital bliss!

UUUGGGGHHHH and then we cut to a fully bearded Chris Harrison interviewing another high profile celebrity couple: Miss Piggy and Kermit. It’s all part of their escalating publicity campaign for Muppets Most Wanted that comes out this month.

Ok finally we are at the women. They are all there and looking beautiful. We jump right into a video package of all them talking about how sexy and suave Juan Pablo is, and how he’s attractive because he plays soccer and dances.  I feel like it’s baiting them into explaining why they now think he’s a jerk. `Which they do gladly. It becomes a gigantic pile on of how and why he was maybe not the best guy to try to be in a relationship with.

Andi starts off the dog pile by saying that yes, Juan Pablo was very attractive, but after a while you need something more than a pretty face to sustain a relationship. Danielle, the one they tried to make us forget chimes in that all their conversations stayed very surface level. Lauren S., the awkward and shy music composer, also adds that he would always say “What do you want to know about me?” but never really asked about her, which other women vigorously nod their heads to agree with. “It gave me the impression that he was just not interested,” concludes Lauren S.

But then to switch debate team sides, Renee is there who felt genuine love for this man. She chalks it up to the fact that they were able to bond about their children and parenting which is very deep and not surface level. Ali interjects that Renee, however, did express frustration that their conversation couldn’t get past Ben and Camila. Cassandra, the other mother (who’s deep plumb lipstick I COVET), agrees that they so often didn’t talk about anything other than their kids.

“When you date someone, you connect with someone and you know about their past and you know about their childhood. You know about what pizza they like and what their favorite color is! I don’t think he was asking those types of questions,” Cassandra says, making a really awesome point. Kat says that any time she tried to steer the conversation that way it got weird or shut down.

Then Ali jumps in the dog pile saying, “He asked me where I saw myself in five years. And then the next conversation we had, he asked me where I saw myself in three years, and I was like well pretty close to that five year mark!”

And then we hit kind of the only stumbling block between the women that we get all episode truthfully. Lauren again expresses that she felt he was really hard to connect/relate to and it frustrated a lot of the women how he seemed so “checked out”. To which Kelly, Dog Lover and Dispeller of Discerning Wit, replies “Ok, so, Lauren in the house you were acting very different than you’re acting now. You were very into him. In TEARS in Korea.”

“I was emotional because I was deciding if I either want to move our relationship forward or leave,” retorts Lauren.

So Chris posits this to Kelly, “Is a lot of this just sour grapes that Juan Pablo didn’t pick them?”

“I think so, “ Kelly responds. I agree that is probably the case for some of them, but I do also think that the cold water shock of getting back to reality and not the Bachelor Fantasy World probably made them realize that guy was not the best.

Despite everything that happened between them at the end, Andi does come to his defense a bit. She defends that he was there “for the right reasons”, but that his end goal was different than theirs. He wanted to get a “girlfriend” that after everything was over he could figure things out with, but the women came there for a husband.

And here’s another weird thing about this season. There is usually a villain to rail against: one woman who was the source of all the drama, all the negativity in the house, who must be tromped out on stage to atone for her sins. But there isn’t a woman this time. It’s the Bachelor himself.  Chris Harrison, ever on my side, agrees that he has never been part of a Women Tell All quite like this one.

Next we’re going to pile on to Juan Pablo for having a set of cockamamie rules that he changed whenever he felt like it in regards to kissing. Kat feels like it was confusing. Kelly thinks he used Camila as an excuse for the chemistry not being there.

“He didn’t say ‘Camila’ whenever he was in the ocean,” she says. BOOM. Kelly! Please host your own show!

Renee comes in to defend him a bit with his choice not to kiss her out of consideration for her son Ben, but Kat feels like that may have been a cop-out too. Kat also goes on to add that while she loves the moms, him always referring to the as “my special ones” made her questions, “Well, what the hell am I?”

And while Chris helps clarify that it was because Juan Pablo is also a parent and wanted to make sure Renee and Cassandra felt understood, Kat (and I) think he should have just cut the word “special” from his vocabulary. Cassandra even agrees. She was a “special one” and even she was frustrated by the constant changing of the rules.

She goes on to explain that on their one-on-one date, there “was a lot of chemistry, a lot of kissing” and then he would go straight to Renee to tell her that he wanted to wait with her. So ultimately, she says, “It made me feel like he’s either not respecting Renee, or he’s not respecting me.”

And after that little ordeal we move right along to the Clare and the Ocean drama! Andi and Kat were both flabbergasted that they had no idea whatsoever that had happened because they were rooming with her. But the girls are more offended by the extended hot tub make out they had DURING the group date.  Kelly and Kat both say “that was way more disrespectful!” at the same time!

But back to the ocean, Chris Harrison says, “He had great regret and shame the next day, and he seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation correctly?” And NO is the resounding answer from all the women and the entire studio audience.

“I just don’t think he manned up like he should have in that situation. Honestly he’s just as to blame, if not more,” Sharleen pipes up. They all share that he was being a cowardly jackass who was slut-shaming Clare completely unfairly. Andi sticks up for Clare saying she knew what a great connection they had and took advantage of a situation. It’s completely on Juan Pablo for letting it explode and backfire the way it did. Alright, with that we end the guerilla warfare on Juan Pablo.

Sharleen gets up on the hot seat! Sharleen seemed a little divisive amongst you guys. Some felt like she was the breath-of-fresh-air, every-woman this show had been so sorely lacking, some of you felt like she was just awkward and strange and unpleasant. I think she was a bit of a combination of all those things. Chris Harrison feels like the relationship shared between she and Juan Pablo was such a hot-cold crazy thing, the likes of which he hasn’t really seen before.

“I think that honestly, I was honest the entire time,” she says when Chris asks her to talk about her experience. Cut to the video package that recaps their time together. We are forced to relive a lot of those hideous kisses.

She talks about how when they were together there was a great physical connection, but that so many of us have been in that place where the chemistry is there so you try and justify and fill in all the other holes and empty spaces. They laugh about the ever elusive “cerebral connection”.

Sharleen does come to Juan Pablo’s defense in that she found him to be “very curious” and would ask her questions about her life abroad and other cultures etc. But Chris chalks that up to her being Juan Pablo’s favorite from the get-go. Sharleen admits to having no idea how well favored she was, and the other women are like, “GIRL, PLEASE!”. They alllll knew how special she was. But ultimately, “it’s a two way street and that didn’t stop me from leaving” Sharleen concludes. She has few regrets and is glad she made the decision to leave. Huzzah, Sharleen you are a class act.

Now it’s Renee’s turn to drag her heart through the mud again. I have so much respect for this woman, so I’ll be interested to hear what she has to say about Juan Pablo. Renee is very level headed, very kind so she might be easier on him than the other women. Renee acknowledges that while she did feel love for him, they were so far behind everyone else. She was the last to kiss him, and they just moved slowly. But ultimately, Renee doesn’t regret coming on the show because she gained confidence that you can date as a single mom. And she also says she’s in a “situation now where I’m very happy”!!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, RENEE! BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOURS! CLASS ACT FOR THE AGES!

Andi, come on down! It’s time for our hero Andi to take a turn in the hot seat. They dive right in about what happened in the Fantasy Suite that fateful night. Andi admits that at first when the cameras left, they did have a bit of a good time, but it quickly turned into Juan Pablo talking about his soccer, his traveling, the famous people he’s met. She also says he talked very negatively about the “whole process” and was so negative, and borderline ungrateful for the opportunity, that she felt sucked into it.

“I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” she laughs.

“Was that sarcastic?” Chris asks.

“Oh no, that is actually zero sarcasm. I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” responds Andi.

She then rehashes a lot of the things she was upset about when she left in St. Lucia. He was rude and talked explicitly about his date with Clare and no woman wants to hear that. Andi also does  a good job clarifying that he wasn’t “mean” to her, per say, but that the things he said and the way he said them were rude and disrespectful, unintentionally. Which to my mind is almost worst, to be a total jackass and not even realizing how hurtful you’re being. Wake up, buddy!

The best part though is when Andi admits to faking being asleep to get the date over with as soon as possible. She and old Chrarrison have a hearty laugh over that one. And they end by saying that Andi is not “in a situation” like Renee, but that she’s still looking for love. So they have set her up perfectly to be the next Bachelorette.

AND NOOOOW, ARE YOU READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBLLEEEEEE??? JUAN PABLO IS HERE. He says right away that while he’s anxious and nervous to be there, he hopes he can be friends with many of these women after the final rose is done. Also he doesn’t regret anything he’s said or done!

“I’d rather be not appreciated for being honest than being appreciated for not being honest,” he says. He really would rather be rude and offensive speaking “the truth” than just say things a little differently and not be such a jag. Cool. Sounds right.

Lauren S. calls him out right away for using Camila as an excuse to not kiss her, rather than just saying the chemistry wasn’t there. His hackles go up and he says “no, no, no” and explains that he wasn’t there to kiss twenty-seven women, no no, he was there to get to know them and see if he felt something. So if he felt like he wanted to kiss them, he would’ve kissed them.  Which is cool because it is 100% up to the man to decide whether or not a kiss should happen because what do a woman’s feelings matter anyway HA HA HA?!?!?!

Juan Pablo also dives into a speech about how the part where Renee says how crushed Ben was after the last boyfriend and her broke up wasn’t televised. So he wan’t to spare Ben from that heartache and distress over why a man would kiss his mom and then leave forever. Baloney.

Which is where Cassandra, all of the sudden my hero this episode, says, “Honestly, if you cared about Ben’s feelings, you wouldn’t have gone on the hometown and met Ben only to send Renee home.”

To which Juan Pablo replies, “Why not?” because he’s the WORST.

“Before a hometown, you should have known if Renee might have been for you. And if you knew that Renee wasn’t for you, then you should have never met her son,” replies Cassandra.

“Why?” he says with the most condescending expression on his face. He says he introduces to Camila to whoever on the first date, as a “friend” or whatever. Which seems like the trope in the beginning of a 90s movie about children of divorce that are always being introduced to a parent’s “friend” all the while knowing that parent was dating cheap, no-good men/women. CAMILA GETS IT, JP. STOP DOING THAT.

Chantel calls him out for saying that keeping things fair line over and over and yet calling two women “special” and treating them differently. I think we’re getting a little caught up in the semantics of the phrase, rather than him not treating all the women as equals. He says that when he was on the Bachelorette it was different because Camila had her mom, but for these two, “they don’t”. Meaning the kids don’t have their moms, but don’t they have their dads? If they do, then this just reveals more of Juan Pablo’s unbending gender roles that a mom is the primary care-giver and dad’s can’t/shouldn’t do as much. Or the dads aren’t around and it is truly harder.

So Lauren H. the weeping Mineral Coordinator from night one chimes in with some sound reasoning and redeems herself a lot. She says that it is good to have those connections with the moms in the group, but to acknowledge and act compassionate towards the whole group because everyone is in a similar place. Way to go, Lauren H.! Coordinate those minerals!

Andi speaks up for Juan Pablo and it’s good because she expresses for him what he might not be able to. She says that he wan’t putting Renee and Cassandra above everyone else, but wanted to make sure they knew that he saw them differently.

“It’s not a game, this is like a relationship. And I think everyone here just wanted to be treated like they were in a unique and individual relationship with you,” Lucy tells Juan Pablo. This is great. All these women have really shown up tonight with their best, smart, strong sides showing. Girl Power, Lucy!

And then Kelly takes off the gloves and asks Juan Pablo point blank about what he meant in that infamous interview where he said gay people are “more pervert”. “Coming from a parent who is gay, I was hurt by that,” Kelly says. Juan Pablo looks right at her and says that he would love to really take the time after this to talk to her because that was taken out of context.

“Pervert? Was taken out of context?! Tell me that in Spanish,” she demands. Kelly is emotional here and that’s fair. Then Victoria joins in that he needs to stop using “English as a second language” as an excuse because she didn’t learn English until she was fifteen, and it’s making everyone look bad. I agree with that whole-heartedly!

But, I do feel like Juan Pablo is not a raging homophobe and that it’s possible he was misquote and misrepresented in that interview. He tries to defend himself but also gets a little too on the defensive that he’s not going to answer that right now. Whereas I think he could have used this time to really apologize and explain what happened. “I have no problem with them because I respect them. They were born that way!” he says. Sharleen also comes to his defense in saying that they talked about it in Seoul and feels like he is open minded and accepting. I believe Sharleen, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

And then we cut straight to bloopers! Chris Harrison says, “here’s your bloopers” like “here’s your gosh darn bloopers you ungrateful, dramatic loons!”

And that’s that. Thank God. Next week we are moving back to St. Lucia to see a very tearful final episode between two rival women on the show. Who will Juan Pablo chose? Clare? Nikki? No one?! What happens! I can’t wait! See you there my lovelies! Juan Pablo drinking game rules up on Monday for the premiere and recap up on Wednesday! Tell me all about your viewing parties and how you’re celebrating too! BESOS.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

"Caliente pero no caliente"

Oh my sweet, sweet friends. Do you know how much I treasure each and every one of you? It’s true. We are few, but we are proud hate-to-love, love-to-hate watchers of the Bachelor and this season, my, has it ever leaned more towards the hate side. I enjoyed chiding Sean Lowe for being a little dim, but if Sean was dim, Juan Pablo is one of those cave salamanders who evolved blind because they live in the complete absence of light. But we’ll delve into that later, for now, it is time for the historic, and often ill-fated, Hometown Dates.

Nikki is up first which bodes well for her. They never put a particularly bad/eventful hometown in the beginning. She hails from Kansas City, Missouri and if my friend Candice’s mother is to be believed, it is known as the “Fountain City” and has the most fountains in America! It’s a beautiful fall day, and they are dressed like models in a catalogue.

“Being in Kansas, it’s the Midwest. And I kind of like a little cowboy!” Nikki says of her plans for their day. Sure. You can like a little bit of a cowboy, but as hearty Midwestern stock myself, I don’t think “cowboy” is one of the main descriptors of our men. Sturdy? Sure. Beefy? Absolutely. Cowboy? Ehhh.

  To prove his worth as a vaquellero, she takes Juan Pablo to a famous Kansas City bbq joint. It’s the real deal with plastic trays and sauces in bottles. Juan Pablo has never had bbq before and doesn’t even really recognize a rib. Turns out he LOVES barbeque though and is obsessed with the sauce. Then his final test of cowboy strength is to ride a mechanical bull in full daylight at an empty bar! Nikki just watches him ride around on the mechanical bull for awhile, and then he falls off. And then they ride it together. It’s yucky. Be glad you aren’t seeing it. Oh, and Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and wants to tell him but can’t. That’s going to play out nicely.

Nikki’s family lives in a palatial estate. The mom, dad, and two brothers are all there. Nikki and her mom run away to have a chat right away. They talk about how there is a physical and a mental (HA) attraction. Her mom is right on board with her saying she loves him, with her saying that she would get engaged to him, with her being so head over heels.

  Now Nikki’s dad talks to Juan Pablo and it’s basically just a job interview to be her husband. He’s a sweet man, and Juan Pablo says all the appropriate platitudes. Nikki and her dad talk and the brother’s don’t even enter the frame of the camera. Nikki is tormented about telling Juan Pablo she loves him. And then he leaves. Byeeee!

Hey, y’all! We’re in Atlanta for Andi’s hometown. Juan Pablo is really excited. How excited? “Andi is just mmm,” he says.

Andi takes Juan Pablo to the firing range to shoot some guns. It is “some southern initiation” for sure, Andi. I like that she’s just doing her own shooting and target practice while Juan Pablo struggles in vain to get a bullseye. He finally gets one and makes good on their agreement that he can’t meet her family until he shoots a bullseye. Onward to her family where things aren’t all peaches and cream!

We’re meeting Mom, Dad, sister Rachel, and a brother-in-law. Her dad looks like a bald cave troll in an orange shirt in the most horrific shade of orange. As they tell the story of their aventuras around the world, Dad has already started grilling just about the number of women left at various points. He is red-faced and furious and sure that these two are just “infatuated” with each and not truly in love. That is a fair point dad. It’s like saying “I believe she believes she’s in love, but she’s not.”

Mom and Juan Pablo talk about not really anything. Then Mom asks Juan Pablo to show her his dance moves so he’s calls out ANDI BECAUSE HE’S SIMPLE AND DIDN’T REALIZE THAT SHE WANTED TO DANCE WITH HIM. Then he gets it and dances with Mom. They have fun.

Her father named Hy, which is the name of southern terror, sits down to grill JP. It’s all making something out of nothing just for TV’s sake. Juan Pablo asks in the end if Hy would accept him and his daughter in his own family. Then we break to commercial, but guess what guys it’s more something out of nothing because Hy says, “I won’t answer you because the person that is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me.” Which is really discerning. It’s a way of saying “let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.” I like it. I know he’s tough, but he’s a good dad. Yay Hy.

When Andi talks with her sister tough, she plants seeds of doubt into an already doubting Andi. She brings to the surface a lot of the concerns and problems she’d been pushing down from the beginning. Andi just doesn’t know. Andi is unsure. She is still unsure when talking to Hy, and could see herself falling in love with him. So while Nikki is definitely in love, Andi is still seeing that she could maybe fall in love with him. She keeps repeating that she is “very, very close to being in love with him” which isn’t really a thing. It’s just the same as saying “I really, really like him! Maybe this could be something good!” Which is NOTHING. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE ALL SAY THAT? We all say it so often.

Now we must move along to Sarasota, Florida to see Renee’s hometown date! She’s so beautiful and is jumping out of her skin excited to see her son Ben for the first time in eight weeks. I love her. I just love Renee. She is too good for Juan Pablo. She is perfect.

They reunite with Ben and Renee is beaming. She and Juan Pablo watch his little league game, and Ben is adorable. What a cute kid. Too bad he gets to have some future emotional baggage meeting a Venezuelan lothario on TV. Juan Pablo says he’s so excited to have a son so he can play baseball, football, basketball with him. AND NEWSFLASH BUDDY: YOU CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS WITH CAMILA TOO BECAUSE GENDER ROLES DON’T NEED TO BE SO FIMRLY DEFINED, YOU DINGLEBERRY.

Renee, Ben, and Juan Pablo come over to Renee’s parents’ Florida casual home to meet the parents and her brother. Everything goes very well with everyone. The family is so warm and accepting because they are Renee’s family, so of course they are a delight. She tells her mom that she is head over heels in love with Juan Pablo and her mom urges her to tell him. Her dad is so mellow and sweet. I just love these people. They are top of the line, good people.

Renee ends the night, but doesn’t end up telling JP she loves him. The competitor in me wants her to “win”, but I feel like this season “winning” is more who doesn’t end up with Juan Pablo. So I want Renee to be free of him and to find the best man in the whole entire world who can be a dad to Ben and a rock for her.

The producer’s know and love how much I know and love their tricks of cutting to random wildlife, and have started off each hometown thusly. We started with cows at Nikki’s, then geese for Andi, then pelicans for Renee, and for Clare? In Sacramento, California? For that darling woman we get a squirrel and a buzzing beehive. Never change, producers. Never change.

Clare is obviously at a 15 to start and we climb higher and higher from there. She does however make a good point that anyone can feel like they’re falling in love on the exotic trips they have been on so far, but it takes something special to feel that way in a simple park. And again, in the interest of being fair, Clare talks a lot about her father, but I get it this time. She’s home, and she misses him. I can’t hate a woman for missing her dad who’s passed away.

  I feel like if Clare had saved all this heavyweight emotional stuff for right now, I would have liked her more. She tells a story about how her dad told her that whenever she misses him to just go to water and throw a rock, and as far as she throws that rock, he’s never farther away from her than that. I’m choked up just retyping that! That is beautiful. But it’s Clare. And she’s pulled the Dead Dad card way too much before now. And she’s too much. And she’s insane. It’s making it hard. At this point though, she and JP deserve each other. They aren’t hateful scum (Courtney and Ben), but they are certainly quite the Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

But there is a reason we have saved Clare’s hometown date for last. A big, big reason. A HUGE reason. It’s her oldest sister guys. She’s a huge ogre, and she is the worst. Drama erupts as Clare, the youngest of six girls, brings home the first man since her dad died. One of her other sister’s Lisa though is very sweet, very calm and very approving of Clare’s love. Her mother Aurelia is just a beautiful, strong matriarch with perfectly coiffed white hair. Aurelia is bomb.

  Sister Madeline is also so kind and asks good questions, but not in a mean way. She affirms Clare and calls her heart “tender”. The rest of them are all so low-key and docile, how did Clare get to be so high strung and crazy? Just youngest sibling syndrome? Surely there must have been something else.

Aw snap. Now it’s time for Shrek (sister Laura) to get her claws into Clare. She tells Clare that “they” are not ready to give a blessing for her hand in marriage. Aurelia, who they keep calling “mama”, is sitting right there and can’t get a word in edgewise. Laura is being a condescending jerk; even Aurelia is like “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m not going to let you manipulate mama,” Shrek says, and then she stands up and crosses her arms because Clare is “not respecting mama.” Mama is sitting right there. Then Laura stands up and walks to the edge of the garden just to “watch” Clare talk to Mama. Laura is a cranky old maid. Shut up and go home. I’m sticking up for CLARE, Laura! That’s how much of an asshole you’re being!

And now we are at the crux of the reason that Juan Pablo is actually just a stupid man. Aurelia and he chat for a hot second in Español. Aurelia is baller, but when she asks about the weather in Venezuela he says “caliente pero no caliente” which is “hot but not hot”. When asked about your home country that you miss so much, all you can come up with is CALIENTE PERO NO CALIENTE??? Come on, hombre. He just doesn’t even have thoughts. In English or Spanish, there are no thoughts in Juan Pablo’s hollow head. Aurelia knows you need to get out of town, despite giving you her blessing.

Let us sweep right along to the rose ceremony! Chris Harrison walks each woman down the green mile to wait out their nerves. Everyone is feeling nervous and tense because this is probably the highest stakes rose ceremony of them all. It would be hard not to take it personally getting dumped right after a guy meets your family.

Juan Pablo tromps out to give a boring speech giving thanks for everyone’s open hearts and open homes, blah blah blah, let’s get to the blood bath. Nikki is called first. Then Clare. And now we wait it out between Renee and Andi. It’s Andi.

Which means my girl Renee is going home. And she is so sad. And it’s hard to see Renee be so sad because she is a pillar of grace and dignity and kindness and strength. I can’t say enough good things about Renee. Juan Pablo understands the gravity of the situation because he starts crying as soon as he looks at her.

Even as they part ways, she is so gracious, and says she is grateful for the experience of opening herself up to love again. And he cries a lot. And tells her how much he respects her. And even though it’s not much, it’s something. It’s something to be respected. Renee you will flourish and find someone so much better than that old bag. I do even believe she has a good chance of becoming the next Bachelorette. She’s got a lot going for her in that department, but I almost don’t want that for her or her son. We’ll see.

So that is the end of hometowns! You guys, are you so excited that you get to come back TOMORROW for another recap?! I am excited. It means we get to spend more time in the alternate universe that is The Bachelor. They are promising us a very dramatic, very juicy Fantasy Suite episode. So pop over to find me on Twitter @Chasspod, hangout with me here on Tumblr for more recaps and other fun things, and don’t forget you can send me questions/comments with the ask button! I’m trying to start answering those more because I love interacting with you guys about all this hoo-ha. ¡Besos y hasta manaña, amores!

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

"I wish I was a little dumber."

Party in the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach 'til the break of dawn – WELCOME TO MIAMI ¡BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI! In those, the immortal words of the bard Will Smith, I welcome you to this week’s Bachelor recap. Let’s turn on the heat.

Juan Pablo is jumping out of his skin excited to see Camila for the first time in weeks. His little “chiquiturri” runs into his arms and clings on like a koala bear. She is very cute. They swim a little and hang with the fam. Cousin Rodolfo has hilarious adult braces.

 But now it’s time for the girls to arrive. They are really excited to be in Juan Pablo’s home town because next week is their hometown date. The pressure is on. Everyone is feeling it, but the swanky suite with free bikinis is probably easing the pain. JuanPa arrives to hand deliver the date card to Sharleen. She is very uncomfortable but excited for the “Come Sea my City” date.

Sharleen is doubting things right out of the gate. She expresses that she does feel a connection with him on certain levels, but that they are sorely lacking the “cerebral connection that [she] so need[s]”. Which is a really diplomatic way of saying that Sharleen is REALLY SMART and Juan Pablo is a little stupid.

Before the date starts, the girls sit around on their veranda and talk about how strange it is that Sharleen and he have a relationship at all. They share that she normally goes for really intellectual almost nerdy guys, and I’m like yes. Yes Sharleen. This is why we’re friends.

But the date is a low key but luxurious day on a yacht. I would be ok with that date. They snuggle and make out a lot. Sharleen feels attracted to him and that the sexual chemistry is there, but her big old brain won’t shut up that this guy, in the long run, doesn’t get her. As the date moves onto a private island beach, she tells him about her job as an opera singer and how that would play into them potentially having a relationship. She’s again, super diplomatic, and doesn’t give a definite answer. Basically Sharleen is open to change. Which means she doesn’t want to get his hopes up if she might be going home early because Juan Pablo no es muy intelligente.

Juan Pablo is so into her though! He really wants to meet her parents! He was even telling cousin Rodolfo earlier that she might be the one! But he’s not good enough for her! They kiss SO gross! They are the worst kissers ever! She is honest with him about not feeling 100% sure about him meeting her family and he tells her that she makes him feel smarter and that he admires her honesty.

And I’m on board until she says, “I wish I was a little dumber…that’d be so much nicer.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT JOHN GREEN “THE VENN DIAGRAM OF BOYS WHO DON’T LIKE SMART GIRLS AND BOYS YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE IS A CIRCLE.” OH GOD. I’M CLUTCHING MY BRAIN. NO SHARLEEN. NO. NEVER DUMB YOURSELF DOWN FOR ANY MAN. BEING SMART IS NOT A HANDICAP IN FINDING LOVE.

Which is why she says, “The little voice in my head is telling me that it’s not right.” Follow that voice Sharleen. When she gets home to the hotel, she runs immediately to talk to Renee because of course. Renee is a therapist. Even after sage counsel from Renee, Sharleen is still completely torn over what to do.

Nikki gets the next one-on-one date much to Chelsie’s chagrin. Chelsie feels like Nikki is always so negative about things, case in point, when the date card indicates dancing Nikki immediately groans and says “I thought I paid my dancing dues in Korea!” On the one hand, yeah that’s negative; on the other hand, if you don’t like dancing, you don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows about having to go dancing.

They meet up at a flower shop to pick out flowers. They are picking out flowers to bring to Camila’s dance recital. That seems…like a big step. Emily Maynard tortured herself over not brining anyone into Ricki’s life. Nikki is not only meeting Camila but also his mom and dad and ALSO CAMILA’S MOM. This seems like the kind of meeting that shouldn’t be televised. Nikki is really nervous. As she should be.

Camila’s mom is a BABE. She is outrageously beautiful. The introductions are fine and kind. Camila is adorable as she sings her solo and does her dance. These kids are precious. But a little too precious. I feel pandered to with their adorableness.

Nikki is really good with Camila when they meet despite Camila’s shyness. Everyone in the family seems genuinely kind to Nikki despite how strange the circumstances are. Ok. I feel good about that you guys. I mean as good as one can feel about a child being put on TV as her dad tromps around the world making out with women left and right all in hopes of finding her a new mom.

The dinner portion of the date is at Marlin’s park which Juan Pablo calls his office. This is, in a sense, true. They play catch on the field and Nikki is in quite the high hemmed, low-cute dress to be tossing a baseball around. I think she brought the dress in expectation of going salsa dancing, so she’s probably a little uncomfortable laying on a picnic blanket in it.

“When it comes to Juan Pablo planning this date for me, he definitely hit a home run,” Nikki admits. The rest of the date goes well. Nothing much to say there.

Wow wow wow we are diving right into Sharleen gathering the women around to explain why she is leaving. They are all like “why are you fancy?” and confused. They really say that! “Why are you fancy?” Let’s all say that to each other sometimes. She doesn’t think it’s fair for her to take a spot of one of the other girls who is sure of the future with Juan Pablo. She’s pretty beat up about it. I feel for her. I do. She is a strong woman though, and will make it through.

She steels herself to knock on the door and then walks right in when he opens the door. As they sit on the couch you can tell that she’s fighting back tears.  She starts to whisper all this stuff and finally manages to get the real issue out “I just don’t that I can get to the place that I’m supposed to be at in three weeks time.” She continues to whisper about things she’s already told us about being unsure and taking another girl's spot etc, etc.

Juan Pablo says he understands. But does he?! Does he? Because he does that thing AGAIN where he demands that she look at him and then also demands that she not cry. “Hey don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me. Don’t cry because of me because that make me upset at you,” he says. OH really? How comforting. Thank you for instructing me on how to process my emotions and GUILT TRIPPING me into not crying. Let the woman cry, Juan Pablo GOD.

“Even though it’s not easy, you got to know yourself better,” he tells her. Now that is actually a good sentiment. “You didn’t waste my time at all…If you did not come here, I would not meet you, and I would not see how wonderful you are.” Ok we’re doing better here. He seems like an actually nice guy. “The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn’t sing enough for me,” he jokes. And they laugh. And then she leaves. It’s sad.

Juan Pablo cries to camera as he tells Sharleen how much he appreciates her being honest and courageous and a strong woman. It’s the first time all season I’ve actually really liked him.

But the Group Date and show must go on for Chelsie, Andi, Clare, and Renee. What sets the group date apart from the one-on-one is that on this date there will be a rose given out that guarantees a hometown date. Everyone’s hackles immediately go up. They want to take Juan Pablo to their hometowns!

The girls hop into a sea plane to have a day at a private beach. I think it’s the same private beach from Sharleen’s date. I mean a private beach is a private beach but no one wants sloppy private beach seconds, right?

Chelsie shares some alone time first. Her mom sent her off to the show with a stack of letters, so she shares some of them with JP. She is so bright and fun. You can tell he likes that about her, but is it enough? They seem to have the least advanced relationship out of all the other women.

Then Andi starts to cry immediately upon sitting down with Juan Pablo. He clicks his tongue at her before hugging her to make her feel better? Like she’s a dog during a thunderstorm? She’s just worried about him meeting her family.  He calms her down right quick with some kisses and platitudes. What a guy.

Clare is obviously at about a 13. On a beach. If you can’t keep your energy below a ten on a beach where can you be chill?! WHERE, CLARE?! She is putting a lot of pressure on herself, and so of course she cries when talking to Juan Pablo about her family. She brings up the Dead Dad DVD again. I’m so, so worried about her showing him that DVD and then him dumping her. I can just sense this all happening.

Then the rain sets in, and the big reveal of the date rose. It goes to Andi. I’m excited. Even though Andi has faded from my favorite, I like her for Juan Pablo right now. Clare is furious. She just doesn’t understand why she’s even there when he’s going on dates with all these other women. CLARE. YOU HAD A DATE LAST WEEK. ARE YOU SO QUICK TO FORGET? Clare makes me really caps-y. This episode makes me really caps-y.

Anyways, now Andi gets to go on a special one-on-one in South Beach with Juan Pablo. They are going to have a dance concert with Romeo Santos. They start dancing on stage in front of everyone. Andi is really bad at dancing. Also I’m worried about her right boob popping out of her dress the whole time.

But dun dun DUNNNN back from the group date, Clare is still having a hissy fit back at the suite. “I wanna hang out with Nikki like I wanna get stung by a jelly fish,” Clare says. She’s feeling feisty and is not hiding her disdain for Nikki one little bit. So Nikki calls her out. And the gloves come off. Chelsie and Renee are caught in the middle feeling suuuuper awkward. Nikki, wisely, walks away to pull herself out of a dramatic situation.

So Clare decides that this is the final straw and she shall finally confront Nikki for being a bitch! Nikki is taken aback. Let’s also start this whole portion of the recap by saying I’m Team Nikki. I think she seems pretty normal, and maybe I’m not around her like the other women are, but I don’t think she’s a “mean girl” or a “bitch” at all.

Clare is being super combative and Nikki is trying to actually talk things through. But Clare is out for blood and Nikki finally cuts it off by saying “Clare, I don’t like you. We’re never going to be friends, so you can just excuse yourself from my room”. Clare no likey. Clare begins to have an argument about semantics that this room is NOT Nikki’s room that it’s EVERYONE’S suite and because Nikki didn’t pay for it, it’s not her room. Which is so childish and stupid I can barely believe it’s happening. No, Nikki didn’t pay for the room CLARE, but she’s allowed to have personal space.

Clare finally excuses herself by saying “you’re a piece of work Nikki” and Clare responds with “and you’re f***ing crazy”. Nikki ends it by telling us that Clare, like a dog, “marked a piece of territory that might not be hers.” Which is kind of a mean girl thing to say, but I really don’t like Clare and even though Nikki is kind of “whatever” to me, I’m on her side with this. Clare needs a Xanax, like, yesterday.

Everyone besides Andi is incredibly nervous. Nikki is making things more awkward than they need to be by being stand offish. She could make things easier on herself I think. She and Clare sit in complete silence at one point. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. Then Andi joins. And Renee joins. And the silence continues. Renee is feeling the tension. Renee! Queen of conflict resolution and good feelings Renee is having issues.

But blessedly, Chris Harrison arrives to pull Juan Pablo away and get this rose ceremony show on the road.

Quick sidebar: Are Clare’s boobs fake? They seem huge but are always separate and never fully “cleaved” together? Does that mean they are fake or so real that she lets them be naturally weird?

Ok! First rose goes to: Nikki (duh, she knew it all along), then Clare (because drama), and now the last rose is between Renee and Chelsie. Please God, let it be Renee. Nothing against you as a person Chels, you’re really sweet, but Renee is the best. And it is! It is Renee! Thank goodness. Even though I’m starting to think Renee might be too good for Juan Pablo, she deserves to make it farther in this competition.

Chelsie tears up and Juan Pablo starts to cry. It’s very emotional. Hey JuanPa, what if I told you you aren’t allowed to cry right now?! How would that feel?! He pulls Chelsie away to give her a more formal goodbye. But Chelsie continues to be her positive, wonderful self by saying that he’s wonderful and how she wants them both to have the best match out there. She waits until the fateful limo to fully break down. And then Juan Pablo cries some more. Yes Juan Pablo. See how good it feels to cry? Let other people have that feeling.

Holy cow, though. Next week is two episodes two nights in a row. We have hometowns right on Monday at the regularly scheduled time, and then on Tuesday we have what promises to be an extremely dramatic fantasy suite episode! Yes! I can’t wait you guys, even though it means double recaps. I’ll see you on Wednesday! And follow me on Twitter @chasspod already; it’ll be fun for us. Besos!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

"Either I live or I die or I poop my pants"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HELLO!!! I may be two days late but I PROMISE not to be a dollar short. It’s been a bizarre week of my life, but I think things in Vietnam will prove to be even stranger. And we’ve also been promised some saucy pushing of the limits by some of the contestants to which I say: LET US SAUCE AWAY!

Juan Pablo is rightly stunned by the dynamic beauty of Vietnam. I think I know what you’re wondering though, “Will someone say ‘Good morning Vietnam’?”. YOU GUYS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. SOMEONE DOES. IT’S CLARE. Let’s be real for one second though: I would kill to be staying in that suite, in that hotel, in Vietnam. Tengo celos, my friends.

Renee gets the first one-on-Juan. Thank God. It’s been a long time coming for Renee who has quickly become not only a front-runner but a fan-favorite.  She is full-cylinders, gunning for a kiss today.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day and meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff,” Juan Pablo tells us about his excitement for the date with Renee today. I mean how magnificent is that run-on sentence?  Juan Pablo does get all serious for a second and say he really likes that Renee is also a single-parent and is the same age as him. At least the man has a tiny bit of sense.

Juan Pablo drives a pedi-cab over to a dress shop where they will have a tailor made dress fashioned for Renee out of beautiful silk. I mean wow. I want a tailor-made silk dress. Renee is so sweet and so kind. The two of them do have a very natural chemistry I have to say. They wander about the streets and eat fruits and buy their kids souvenirs and buy flowers. They are just very at ease together.  I don’t know, guys, maybe these two have a chance? I was worried she was going to be too platonic, but maybe not?

Night has fallen and the beautiful lights on the river are lit. Renee emerges in her custom dress of this rich purple and blue pattern. It’s beautiful.

“She looks good on those dress!” salivates Juan Pablo. Although not quite in the cartoon wolf way he salivates over say, a Kat or a Clare.

They talk about her ex-husband/baby-daddy at dinner. “I see her and I see myself,” admits Juan Pablo. I DON’T KNOW GUYS, HE SEEMS LIKE HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES HER. I feel like he has a more physical connection with some of the other women, but I think JuanPa knows, deep in his corazon, that Renee is a person he could be with as another human person.

Totes obvi Renee gets the rose. And then an amazing thing happens. They walk down to the river and they get to make a wish on tiny paper lanterns that they set afloat. Renee wishes for a kiss because she is like a dog with a bone with getting her lips on his lips. But no dice, Renee. Juan Pablo wants to be respectful of your son, so with you he’s taking things slow.

After that little aperitif, we move onto the meat and potatoes of the episode: the big group date. “Can you go with the flow?” reads the date card. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Ali, Danielle and Andi who is pissed about being on a group date once again, are all ready to explore. I really hope that it becomes a dissent into madness in the style of Hearts of Darkness. I would love to see Clare sitting on a bamboo throne professing her triumph over these mortal women a la Dennis Hopper. THE HORROR!

But enough of my fever jungle dreams! They are actually going boating in these adorable circular bamboo boats. Think of it as a semi-spherical canoe. They pair up ,and would you believe it? Clare elbows her way into being paired with Juan Pablo.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I love and cherish you. “Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when Juan Pablo says pair up, everyone has a friend…but Clare. For the first time in history having no friends works to your advantage.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S DOING MY JOB FOR ME!

Of course JP and Clare immediately get stuck and Juan Pablo steals a kiss. So, that seems inconsistent. I think his idea at this point is that he can kiss the women he’s already kissed as much as he wants, but no new women will be kissed. It’s a very exclusive club troubled by severely flawed logic. Your daughter won’t care how many women you kissed, but she will care WHICH women you kissed and how much and how many other women it was in front of.

And of course, all the women see him kiss Clare. The general consensus is that it is eight women are along for the ride of Clare and Juan Pablo’s one-on-one. Chelsie agrees by describing how romantic her morning with her friend Ali has been.

After shoring up, they wander onto a farm where they are each given a traditional straw hat (Yup, it’s that one you’re trying to make yourself not think of because you’re worried it’s racist – it’s that hat), and a knife and a basket. They are taken out into the fields where they are helping to pick the produce for their dinner.

Cassandra, bless her simple heart, looks hilarious in the hat and is telling us all about the farm and how everyone works together in one big community and that “I was telling the other girls that we should have this in America”. And I don’t know. It might be the hat, or her simple voice paired with a sweet smile, or the bizarre yet earnest intonation of her words, but I laugh about that, all alone on my couch, for a good thirty seconds.

Then Andi has a little temper tantrum on the commune and Juan Pablo sooths her WHILE WEARING THE HAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALL THESE GENUINE MOMENTS ARE HAPPENING IN THESE HATS.

After the day’s work, they sit down to a huge, beautiful feast. I mean it is traditional Vietnamese food cooked fresh from the field! I want that! The consensus continues to be that Clare is the worst.

“Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. And that’s Juan Pablo,” Kelly says. “And can we hate her for that?...Well I mean, we can.” KELLY YOU ARE AN AMAZING, SPECIAL FLOWER! DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!

At the cocktail party, everyone has exotic looking cocktails with what I swear is an entire Granny Smith apple carved on top. Clare gets pulled away first with Juan Pablo which sets the girls’ hackles on high. Everyone is like, “Welp, seems about right.”

Oh hey, Danielle is still there. Just a reminder because they don’t let her talk.

Juan Pablo now brings Clare up to see his suite. Why? Why? Why? ¿Por qué? They have solo swim time and are getting pretty handsy and kissy-kissy. Clare is nothing but completely proud of herself in all her interviews. I hate Clare -The end, by Cassie Niespo.

How long are they gone? They must be gone forever, but we don’t see the girls’ reaction on their return because we immediately see Sharleen’s alone time with Juan. They sit on the beach and cuddle.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears,” says Sharleen, which is a cute/weird take on the “bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” line from Funny Girl.

Andi is still questioning what’s happening between her and JP. She talks about it again with him during her time. They cuddle on the beach and end up making out. She really wants the rose and frankly, I think she deserves it.

Clare gets the date rose though because Juan Pablo is at least consistent in his horn-dog, sexually clouded judgement.

As the girls get back from their date, Clare decides she doesn’t want the night to end AND that she wants to swim in a warm ocean! I think that’s what we’re calling sex now! Swimming in a warm ocean! So she sneaks off back to JP’s suite, and he’s like, “Yeah let’s do it” because penis.

Clare describes the ocean as “waves of hot, warm bath water” which sounds so, so romantic: hot, warm bath water. They get pretty hot and heavy in the water and probably do some stuff under the water we don’t get to see. More on that later…

…Because now it’s time for potential mean-girl Nikki to get her one-on-Juan date! Nikki is wearing an impossibly stupid sparkly headband across her forehead. Can you imagine how irritating that would be when you’re sweating profusely in the jungles of Vietnam?

They walk through a beautiful, jungle mountain path. It’s amazing. And then they get to the surprise. And the surprise is yet another Fear Factor challenge. They are repelling down a giant hole in the ground into complete blackness to explore a cave. It’s so deep and so dark that they can’t see the bottom. Nikki is freaking out AND RIGHTLY SO. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TYPE THOSE WORDS RE: DATES ON THIS SHOW? WHY DO WE KEEP FRIGHTENING WOMEN INTO LOVE ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A STRAINED METAPHOR ABOUT LOVE AND TRUST AND RELATIONSHIPS???

“Either I live or I die or I poop my pants,” Nikki confesses. Yup. That about sums it up. I like her for that for about one minute until she makes another metaphor about falling and trust and love. SHOW DON’T TELL, NIKKI. Show don’t tell.

She has a genuinely difficult time going down the cave, so when they are stopped to catch their breath, Juan Pablo kisses her. And that, allegedly, gives her the strength to keep going. How splendid. His kisses are magical and medicinal.

Oh also I forgot to mention the cave is called “Hell”. How playful!

At night they have dinner in another tricked out cave. He touches her hair and her left ear a lot. They talk about how she is not a morning person and that it’s good to admit faults so you seem more realistic. Sure. True, true.

“Every day I’m helping people, but when I look back, I realize they are helping me too,” Nikki tells Juan Pablo in what I’m sure she thinks is an incredibly vulnerable and wise moment. I again laugh for an extended period of time.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony tonight is from another world of beauty. The women arrive by barge in their lovely dresses to a lantern lit oasis on the river. But things will not stay so Eden-esque forever. Three women are going home tonight, and you can see the tension in the room rise to threat level midnight© at the announcement.

As he sneaks each woman off one by one he gives us the run down on how and why he likes them. When it comes to Renee’s time, they talk about her son Ben and how he’s very mature for an 8 year old, and would “not be pissed” at Juan Pablo for kissing her. “So he wouldn’t be pissed at me” he says, and she says, “No! He wouldn’t be pissed at you!” And he KISSES HER. LIKE HE MEANS IT. It’s a good looking kiss, y’all. Renee is on cloud nine. She earned this. I just hope that he understands that their relationship is stronger for it and that kiss was way better because of delayed gratification (Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster know what I’m talking about).

And then, oh then, we move on to Clare and the Rising Regret of a Romp in the Raging Ocean. Juan Pablo confronts her and tries his best to express why he’s not feeling the best about their intimate time in the ocean the other night.

“I’m trying to be as fair as possible,” he keeps saying in an attempt to explain that he wants to give everyone equal time to build their relationships. Which, I guess, ok maybe.

“It’s not about fair. It’s about how you feel,” Clare fires back. But this is not the way to sooth JP.

She starts to cry and Juan Pablo tries to have her look at him and look him in the eyes so he tries to turn her head and then he cranes his neck to kind of peer through her hair as she cries.

“Don’t cry anymore, ok? Can you stop crying for me, please? Don’t be stupid. I’m telling you it’s ok. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.”

ALL THAT AND MORE HITS FROM THE TOP SELLING RECORDING ARTIST: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG HORRIBLE PARTNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!

Basically what it comes down to is that Juan Pablo would not want his daughter to see what happened between them in the ocean the other night. Again, fair. But also we really didn’t see that much so I feel like he regrets taking it to a place physically that we weren’t necessarily privy to. I don’t know, man! At least you didn’t skinny dip with the show’s greatest villain of all time BEN AND COURTNEY.

Clare feels awful because “all she wanted to do was swim in the ocean” and did not at all want to disrespect the relationship Juan Pablo has with his daughter. I also see her point. Do I like Clare very much? Not at all. Do I think Juan Pablo is slut-shaming her a little bit over virtually nothing? Yes. Not good on you, Juan Pablo. Bad form.

She runs off to a corner of the garden to cry more and he keeps insisting that she look at him. He wants her to delete the conversation from her memory.  “If he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it,” she weeps to camera. I mean, yes but also honey you knew you were using your feminine wiles to beguile him. But also no slut shaming? But they just SWAM IN THE OCEAN. WE ARE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL HERE. Clare ends by saying an ominous “I don’t know where we go from here.”

But we must inevitably come to the rose ceremony where three women will be sent home. Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses from the dates, then he calls out, in order: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and just to make her sweat buckets, he calls Andi last.

That means that Ali and Danielle are going home along with KELLY! THE DOG LOVER AND MY KINDRED SPIRIT! DEAR SWEET KELLY, YOU ALWAYS HAD SUCH AMAZING QUIPS AND SOUNDBYTES FOR US, AND YOUR “TIRED OF IT” EXPRESSION BROUGHT SUCH A LIGHT TO THE SHOW. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE, AND I PRAY THAT THEY RESURRECT BACHELOR PAD SOLELY TO GET MORE OF YOUR RAZOR WIT ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.

Juan Pablo and many of the women cry. It’s an emotional rose ceremony, to be sure. But everyone will have to raise their spirits because next week they are HIKING THE TRAIL TO MORDOR! THAT’S RIGHT! STRAIGHT TO MIDDLE EARTH ITSELF: NEW ZEALAND. LOTS OF CAPS!

So next week we will be posting at our regularly scheduled posting with all new sordid adventures. Are you ready for the number of LOTR/Hobbit jokes I’ll be making? Are you? If not, follow me over on @Chasspod to get acclimated, if you are, then still follow me @chasspod because lots of LOTR jokes happen there.

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

Can you believe we’re only three weeks into Juan Pablo’s journey to love? I can’t. I also can’t believe the recent little homophobic comments he made and subsequently blamed on translation problems. I don’t know man, you can say “Holy moly macaroni” but you’ll chalk the other stuff up to confusion? No te creo, JP, no te creo. In any case, backwards mindsets aside, lets dive in, shall we?

After the tough time she had at the rose ceremony the night before, Cassandra gets the first one-on-Juan date, hand delivered to her by Chrarrison in world’s ugliest color-block shirt. She’s so surprised and elated while the rest of us are like “duh”. Do you think Juan Pablo knows she’s twenty-one or is his judgment clouded by his penis’ reaction to her?

Before the date we get to see Juan Pablo doing some extraordinarily mediocre parenting with Camila and his mom and dad in a park. Camila is being a little brat and does not want to eat chicken. Juan Pablo physically wrangles her into eating it. Then he sends her away and Cassandra arrives.

They hop into a brightly colored jeep that looks like one of the Jurassic Park cars only without a top. As they drive along the water in Long Beach, Cassandra tells us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18 years-old which checks out because she had a kid at 19 and is now 21. But it’s not like it’s some huge, revelatory moment like if she was 30 and hadn’t been on a date in twelve years. She’s a college junior! That is how old she is! Remember yourself as a college junior?!

“Cassandra just loves the water, so I definitely have to give her what she wants,” Juan tells us. Like, ew, man. Gross, dude. Harshing my jam, bro. Please don’t ever say “I have to give her what she wants” as it pertains to water sport or really ever. As Cassandra wildly speculates on what they’ll be doing (Paddleboarding? Canoeing? Yachting? Shut up?), JP pounds the gas and drives straight into the canal. It’s a duck-boat!

“I thought it was a car, but now I’m just thinking this is like from the movies right now,” explains Cassandra who has no idea of what constitutes a car vs. a boat vs. both. Then a saccharine pop song that sounds like it could be on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack plays over them jetting around on the water, having a blast.

Meanwhile, back at the mansions, Renee is once again having an intimate chat with one of the other women. Elise is telling her about how her mom wrote a letter to submit Elise to the Bachelor but got so sick that she wasn’t able to send it in. She feels like it was destiny that she found the letter to submit herself for the Bachelor, and that her mom made it all happen.

Before realizing that she’s died though, Renee asks if Elise’s mom is ok now. Elise’s response: “No, she passed away babe.” SHE PASSED AWAY, BABE. She passed away, babe. What is wrong with me, or really the people on this show that they keep making me laugh with the way they explain how their parents have died? First Clare with “there was something wrong with his brain and that something was brain cancer” and now “she passed away, babe”????? Who’s next? Who else would like to tell me “My dog loved to run. He loved to run so much he ran into the street and a car RAN him over”??

Back to the date, the duck-boat-car does pull up to a big yacht where Cassandra and JP have a nice time relaxing and swimming and making out in the water a little. She, of course, says she’s going to just “jump in” with Juan Pablo over a clip of them jumping into the water. Classic.

This date has a third act taking place at Juan Pablo’s bachelor pad where they will cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen. Cassandra has now said “this is my first date in three years” or “first date since I was 18” about six times. I’m not exaggerating. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT TO BE A BIG DEAL. UGGGH. WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SHE SAID IT AGAIN!

They finish off the date eating chocolate bon-bons by an outdoor fire. Before he hands the rose out, I feel like he might not give it to her. The whole time everyone, even other girls, have been emphasizing to us that if he doesn’t feel there’s a future, he will send Cassandra home to her kid. But she gets the rose. Here are the things Juan Pablo likes about Cassandra: she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she dances. Cool list, bro.

Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going on a group date that says “Let’s kick it!” They are obviously playing soccer. Elise is really hoping she gets the one-on-one though, especially because she thinks of Chelsie as a child.

The date is of course, soccer themed, and they are playing some fútbol at the LA Galaxy stadium. Some of the girls, like Alli, are super excited to play alongside JuanPa, and some of the girls, like Kelly, are feeling a little unathletic and nonplussed. I’m with you, Kell.

They practice warm ups and training exercises, and I’m like, ugh, no thanks. I graduated high school solely to be done with gym class. After practice, the girls split into the fabled Red and Blue teams to battle each other. They come out looking intense but have written Juan Pablo’s nae all over their bodies. Ladies, you are all better than writing the same guys name on your bodies.

Even with a game going on, they are not doing the “losing team goes home, winner continues on the date” thing which is such a breath of fresh air. The game gets intense and poor Sharleen is getting hit over and over again in the face, stomach, face, arm, face again! Poor Sharleen. Even JP manages to knock her down.

After the game that it looks like most of the girls actually enjoy, they go change for the dinner portion. They stay at the stadium, so everyone is pulling him aside to different parts of the stadium. Nikki has a great chat, but she’s disappointed and worried that they don’t kiss.

Andi and Juan jump into the concession stand to hang out. They mostly kiss and don’t talk as much. Danielle shares that she was adopted, Lucy and he chat, Christy is there doing something I guess but they have not showed her one single time. I forgot she was there.

Then Sharleen and he set up a little blanket on the field in plain view of all the other lionesses. They both say that the time they share feels “organic”, and honestly I have to agree. She isn’t as Miss America as the other women when they talk, and he is so obviously smitten with her.

Then he moves in to kiss her.

Sharleen retracts her neck and extends her tongue into the kiss. Am I painting enough of the awkward picture? Even when she goes in for the second one, she sticks her tongue into his mouth first and then finishes off with her lips and other face parts. What is this? My roommate did an impression of it, and I have to say it looks a lot like my famous iguana impression that I do while eating lettuce. Sharleen kisses like an iguana eating lettuce. It’s gross.

Even after that very intimate and beautiful moment, Nikki gets the date rose because he likes himself a hot blond. Sharleen and Andi  are none too pleased.

Much to Elise’s shagrin, the one-on-Juan date goes to Chelsie. “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants,” she quips. Whatever Elise, relax.

Chelsie is excited for her one-on-Juan date today. Elise is incredibly jealous and thinks Chelsie is like a child and doesn’t deserve to be a single-mom yet. Ok, Elise, put the claws away. The date card said “Do you trust me?” which is a bad sign in terms of signing a safety waiver. But first they just car dance to some fun music and then go to a Venezuelan restaurant. Chelsie is adorable. She reminds me face-wise of a girl I know and I think that’s why I’m in instantly fond of her.

Oh God. Oh no. Oh god oh no. They walk out to the middle of a bridge over a river, and of course Fear Factor Bachelor continues with a tandem bungee jump. Chelsie is freaked out but is doing ok until they get to the platform edge where they need to dive from. And then she has a panic attack. Because it’s TERRIFYING TO JUMP FROM A BRIDGE. Even if you’re a thrill seeker, you can’t denying that jumping from a bridge goes against every instinct that has been bred in us since we first started walking upright. This poor girl. I bet she’s contractually obligated to do it too, just like Andi and that nude photo shoot last week.

Juan Pablo comforts her like he would comfort Camila. He keeps insisting that she looks at him and then he says, “Just do it for me.” And now I’m a screaming rage-ball again. Just like posing nude for an unnamed and rather dubious DOG foundation, I don’t feel like this poor girl needs to bungee jump for a bridge to prove her ability to love and be a good partner. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell is this show? Juan Pablo is insane. I’m almost at my wits end

He does say that whatever she wants to do is ok and if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. I can hear how scared she is, and she sheds a few tears. I appreciate that she is very real in how scared she is to do this. And after saying “just do it for me” Juan Pablo does end up being actually helpful and less coercive.

I guess his calming platitudes work because they do it! They jump! And then they Spiderman kiss hanging upside down! Then both of them use it as a metaphor for love! It IS like jumping off a bridge together!!!!

Oh Chelsie. You are cute as a button and do seem to be quite young, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be sticking around for at least a few of the stops on the upcoming international tour. Oh, oh ok there is still the dinner portion of this date to get through in downtown Pasadena. Oh I thought the date was over. Oh ok. Got it.

Chelsie tells us she’s the black sheep of her family for being a teacher in a family of doctors. The only thing Juan Pablo knows how to talk about is being a single dad though? Chelsie keeps trying to make him talk about himself and he’s like SOY PAPÁ. And then she gets the rose for cuteness and bravery.

Second private concert of the season on only the second week of one-on-Juan dates! Who’s this guy? Some country singer? He’s super hot. He’s wearing a henley. It’s Billy Currington. That’s fine. Billy Currington can stay.

The next day, the day of the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to cook traditional Venezuelan “arepas” for everyone. It’s like a deluxe breakfast burrito. Just then, Kelly walks through the kitchen to walk Molly and runs away as quickly as she can to fix her face and put on a bra. One by one, the ladies come downstairs to join JP in the kitchen and just have a chill ass morning. It’s so chill.

It continues to be, like, super chill when JP eschews the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. It’s fun to see which girls hurry to put on makeup and fix their hair along with putting on their bathing suits. But as the previews have shown us, the chill good time vibes are about to go away as tensions rise and everyone turns a shade of jealous green.

Kat immediately puts on the Big Breasted Blonde show for JP and the other girls do not take so kindly to her.

“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for like 20 minutes,” Kelly deadpans in response to them doing chicken fights in the pool.  Kelly has become the absolute number one source of comedic commentary on this show. Who knew? The “Dog Lover” as a professional is astute with an acerbic sense of humor.

Sharleen is really affected by Kat putting on such a show when the cameras are around. When she talks to Juan Pablo about how she’s having a hard time with it, she ends up crying. I feel like its genuine. But then of course he moves in to comfort her, and of course they end up sucking face.  But lo! The other girls can see! And everyone is getting hot and bothered like a pack of hungry lionesses.

Clare especially is having a hard time. Such a hard time in fact that she behaves as Camila would and runs away from everyone else to lock herself in the bathroom. Everyone is throwing the words “process” and “journey” around like hot cakes. Oh WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT! SOMEONE IS IN NEED AND RENEE IS ONCE AGAIN THERE!

She’s such a great person who comforts and helps everyone with a listening ear that I’m beginning to think she’s a therapist the producers brought in as a ringer to help all these women. Outside the bathroom, the other women acknowledge that Clare is a “ticking time bomb” of high strung emotion. They agree with me that Clare is always at a 15 and needs to be at a solid 9 for her own happiness.

Of course the next thing they show is Juan Pablo calming Clare down from her 17.5 temper tantrum of not being able to handle “the process”. JP seems to really like her still, so at this point Clare is Clare’s worst enemy.

Rose ceremony time. Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie all have roses from their previous date. Who’s in at the ceremony: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.

Wow. With Danielle whom we’ve heard practically nothing from, Juan Pablo sends home Christy the hot mess who never quite got her foundation figured out, and more importantly Lucy! Lucy who kind of grew on me after last episode. I think in the end he probably just realized she wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but Lucy will land on her feet. I have no doubt. Her “best friend Kate Upton” will surely be able to help her get back out there and find love.

Next week begins the international traveling and they are once again taking a tour of Asia. I believe South Korea is up first, and we’ll see how everyone’s nerves do with jet lag and culture shock! Until next time, I’ll be over on twitter @Chasspod and back in your hearts and homes next Wednesday. ¡Besos!

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

"That's what life's about. Straddling people. And Things."

We'll get to that quote a little later, but it was just so beautiful and perfect that I needed it to be emboldened, front and center. I might need it air brushed onto a t-shirt. Let's all remember that lil dollop of wisdom as we continue on this entire "adventure" to find love.

They waste no time jumping to the first one-on-one date with Clare. You remember Clare. She faked a pregnancy to meet the man to whom she wants to show her Dead Dad DVD. Clare is over the moon excited for this date.

“I know it sounds crazy, but this could be my first date with my future husband!” she beams to camera. I need Clare to take it down about 6 notches. She’s at about a 15, and I need her at a solid 9.

Juan Pablo blindfolds her which according to the girls is CRAZY! WILD! SO UNPREDICTABLE! And he whisks her away in his car. They arrive at a spectacular winter wonderland with snow covered pines and twinkling lights. It’s pretty stunning. Clare is giggling and laughing and beaming and squealing. She’s now at about an 18. To see her so excited makes Juan Pablo feel “bedder manna meelion bucks” (better than a million bucks).

They sled! They skate! Clare drops the first “fairy tale” of the season! And Juan Pablo dutifully reminds us that this is also his first ever one-on-one date. All told, it’s a pretty good one. I approve. We’re hearing a lot of very emotional words from Clare, and I’m scared she’s gonna be the psycho who falls in love way too quickly.

“I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long time,” she says. Oh, boy. I’m worried about this. She is near tears 90% of the time. Even when describing the way he “slithers into the spa”. I can’t Clare. I need you at a 9, and you are at a 15 and above at all times.

And you’re even higher than a 15 when you are intimately massaging Juan Pablo while almost crying talking about your Dead Dad. “Unless you’re gonna come in and be like a wonderful positive thing in my life, I will wait forever for that right one.” Um, is that a threat, Clare?

Also all during that, Juan did not pick up on the fact that her dad has died so when he asks about the story of her necklace, she has to talk even more about her Dead Dad. You can see his gears turning so, so fast trying to understand and make her feel comfortable.

“If you had a father that treated you like a princess, you will want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo explains. Then he gets the rose to bring to Clare, who is still in the hot tub. “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much increíble,” are the words he chooses to express himself. I feel it important to tell you that anything I ever transcribe from Juan Pablo is exact because the way he chooses his words is hilarious and amazing.

OH DID YOU THINK THE DATE WAS OVER? NOPE. PRIVATE CONCERT. THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A PRIVATE CONCERT ON THE BACHELOR. THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF JOSH KRAJCIK WHO I GUESS WAS ON THE X FACTOR. THANKS, JOSH!

Once again we’re making a quick transition over to Kat for her one on one date with Juan Pablito. Kat was not very memorable from night one, so I’m interested to see what she’s like other than pretty and blond. She, too, is flipping her lid that she is really going on this date today.

Juan Pablo picks her up at the mansion in his sick ass Tesla (I hope it’s not the kind that spontaneously combusts). The next mode of transportation they take is a private jet! No thank you! That seems way too involved for a single date!

JP excuses himself for a second to get some “soo-price-ess” (surprises) that are clues for the date. While he’s gone, Kat day dreams out the window that perhaps they’re taking a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT ON A PRIVATE JET THE SIZE OF PICK UP TRUCK. No Kat, you’re not going to Miami. And no Kat, you’re not going to New York City where it’s “kind of private and just the two of you” because that’s also not a thing in addition to a 5+ hour flight.

After a costume change into crazy neon outfits complete with flashing LED lights, they land in Salt Lake City, Utah. As night falls they run down a path that’s lighting up with colors as they go, and the trees are blinking with neon umbrellas stuck in them and they finally reach a screaming crowd because this date is yours and my collective nightmare: a 5K Electric Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Kat and Juan Pablo are the official kick starters of the race, so off they go. I would die. I would literally fake my death in order to get out of going on a five kilometer jog as a first date with a guy. I guess some of you psychos genuinely enjoy jogging and physical fitness, but I swear to the Lord Who Made Me if anyone ever sprung recreational jogging on me I will kill myself or him Amen.

There is electronic music blasting and people are screaming as they run. There are regularly spaced dance breaks. And I guess if I weren’t the kind of indoor-kid troll that I am, I would enjoy that date. And Kat is yet another former NBA dancer in the house so they look like they have fun. And boy can you guys even imagine the number of times they use electricity as a metaphor for love?!?! So many you could fuel a small city with their power HA HA HA.

After the finish line, there is a massive, I’m thinking genuinely about 15,000 people grouped together for a huge dance party that Kat and Juan Pablo basically MC by dancing on stage with the DJ. After once again announcing, “I am having a good time!!!” Juan Pablo picks up the rose and gives it to Kat over the roars of the audience. Good for them. But did they get to know each other enough over the sensual dancing and music? We’ll have to wait and see.

Now for the group date we have Chelsea, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Everyone is the same mixed bag of excitement versus nervous. Lucy is worried about getting his attention without flashing her boobs. Really.

“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’. So, I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I don’t know. I’m good at either one,” Kelly blankly slurs into camera. That line is hilarious, so you get a pass for dead eyes and “dog lover” as your occupation for now, Kell.

They are, of course, doing a photo shoot, as per Bachelor tradition that the first group date be camera involved (Sean’s romance novel covers, Desiree’s “music” video, etc). A ghoul with an electric blue goatee emerges as the photo shoot’s creative director. I’m pretty sure he’s actually from the Capital. So Caesar Flickerman informs the girls that this will be for charity and they will have special partners. It’s dogs. The special partners are dogs. Everyone is rightly out of their minds with joy upon entering a room full of dogs just waiting to be loved and played with.

Then a nameless leader tells us about how Models for Mutts helps raise awareness of pet adoptions via sexy photo shoots with dogs? This is surely another citizen of the Capital. The other guy she’s with can stay though. He’s actually from a charity called Best Friends Animal Society that is working to get pets adopted while working to make every shelter a no-kill shelter. So he’s fine. Effie Trinket can leave.

This is all too America’s Next Top Model for me. All of the sudden, Caesar Flickerman starts maniacally laughing and saying “Oooh! Oooh!” as he hands Elise and Andi their wardrobe. Which is just a piece of foam core. Yes. It’s a piece of thick card board.

“A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being nude is not my comfort zone…I mean I send people to jail every day for a living!” Andi laments to camera. And she’s RIGHT. SHE’S A MOTHER F***ING FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WHO SENDS GANG MEMBERS TO JAIL EVERY DAY. IN ATLANTA. ATLANTA! SHE DOES NOT, FOR ANY TV SHOW, MAN, OR CHARITY, HAVE TO WEAR A PIECE OF CARDBOARD IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO.

Elise doesn’t have to either, but she quickly trades with Lucy who is more than comfortable wearing no clothes in front of many people. Oh, but I should mention that when Elise tries to talk to Caesar Flickerman about how she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model he replies, “It’s not about what you are wearing that makes a good role model. It’s about what you are doing for charity. Ok, sweetheart? Thank you so much!” and WALKS THE F*** AWAY. LIKE A CHAUVINISTIC ASS HOLE. If Lucy is comfortable being nude, that’s great. More power to her. But if Elise, in any way, feels that uncomfortable or that this is not a good thing, then fine. She should not have to do it.

The photo shoot starts. There are lifeguards and bikinis and Elise traded nudity for a fire hydrant which she still complains about. Kelly on the other hand is bald and painted like a mangy dog, so she does not have time for Elise. “Are you kidding me? Wear the f***ing fire hydrant and shut the f*** up. Seriously.” Kelly. Stop it. You’re being awesome.

Andi is still freaking out in the background though. Finally, Juan Pablo comes over to help smooth things out. He reassures her that he’s nervous too, but he’s going to be nude right alongside her. When he’s talking to her, it seems like a lot less pressuring and forcing her to do it, and she ends up deciding to do it because it’s for a good cause. “You wanted an ‘aventura’ and you’re definitely getting an ‘aventura’ with this!” she teases him. Andi’s the best, y’all.

Oh and at no point in the entire episode is any screen with additional information on either charity. Seems like a worthy cause to potentially compromise your morals for.

What group date would be complete without a beautiful cocktail party at a roof top pool?

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo away first and is very nervous to tell him that she has a son. She is a 21 year-old former NBA dancer who has a two year-old son. Huh. Ok. That’s a lot to process. Juan is very taken with her though and called her “elegant and cute” at the photo shoot.

Obviously the talk about her having a kid goes well, and Juan Pablo is even more enamored of her than before. In other mom news, Renee is gunning for a kiss in her quiet time with Juan. It doesn’t happen, but Renee is great. I’m hopeful for her.

Meanwhile, back at the poolside as everyone has had a glass of wine to calm their nerves, Victoria has had several. She’s being a little wackadoo, so Nikki decides to pull her aside and level with her, girl to girl.

“You need to tone it down. I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” whispers Nikki.

“Why? I just got here! I’m not hammered,” slurrrrrs out Victoria.

Smash cut to Victoria rolling around in her interview chair spewing out such beautiful words of wisdom as “If Juan Pablo were mine, I would just straddle him all the time. Because that’s what life’s about: straddling people. And things.” And other hits like “Kelly told me she wants to put a bark collar on me because I’m too loud!” Victoria cray, y’all.

Nikki is up next for one-on-one time. Juan Pablo really likes Nikki and especially likes that she is a hot pediatric nurse. While they are talking though, we are never far from Hurricane Victoria.

“Today I gave Juan Pablo the hymen [SIC] maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that,” Victoria says while pushing her boobs together for the camera. At this point Lucy the Nudist has pointed out that you are acting crazy, and that means it’s time to lock it up.

Things then very quickly go downhill. Victoria runs to find Juan Pablo and sees him talking to Nikki. She then turns and runs away. “Uh-oh, she’s had a little bit a LOT to drink?” Juan Pablo posits. She then runs past all the girls, manages to grab a swim cover up, and flees to the bathroom handicap stall where she locks the door and starts sobbing.

Renee, mother of an 8 year-old boy, saint, and all-around great woman goes to try and comfort her. Renee is so patient and so kind with an unreasonable drunk person who is so drunk at this point, she’s less rational than Renee’s 8 year-old. So determined is Renee to help this girl that she crawls under the bathroom stall door. Victoria basically just wants to go home and keeps saying, “I’m done!”

Then she burst out of the ladies room! She runs straight to the elevator bank but is met head on by none other than Elan Gale. He stops her because she’s not clothed, or shoed, or in any state of mind whatsoever to be on the streets of LA. She just keeps saying, “I’m done! I’m going home!” and Elan Gale keeps saying, “I understand you’re done. You can go home. But I have to get you a plane ticket. I have to get you a taxi cab. I can’t just let you go. It’s for your own safety!”

Victoria is having NONEYA BULLSH*** ELAN GALE! SHE STORMS OFF BACK TO HER HANDICAP STALL OF SOLITUDE TO RIDE OUT THE STORM!

Lucy very sweetly comes to tell JP about the situation with Victoria. I’m starting to like Lucy against every single other instinct I have. When JuanPa tries to go talk to Victoria she just completely shuts him down and is having a temper tantrum. He, very wisely, just walks away.

The date rose ends up going to Kelly for being the best sport of the day having the butt ugliest costume for the photo shoot. Juan Pablo makes the girls promise that Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her tomorrow.

Next day: it’s a hotel room. Victoria has stayed there overnight. Juan Pablo arrives to talk things over. She still wears the cover up and swimsuit from the ill-fated night before. Basically she apologizes and tries to be cutesie saying “Welcome to Brazil!” And he’s like “haha no, crazy lady” He actually says, “I’m 32. With a daughter,” and peaces out on her. Good for you Juan Pablo. Ain’t no daddy got time for that.

Alright here’s the quick rose ceremony wrap up because this feels like the longest episode in history:

·         Amy L makes a fool of herself doing a fake news interview with Juan Pablo

·         Sharleen warms up a bit to JP and apologizes for being a weirdo and saying “sir” a lot when she got the first impression rose

·         Cassandra is freaking out because she misses her son and is 21 so can’t process emotions

·         Renee comforts her because Renee is the best

·         Then Juan Pablo comforts her because Juan Pablo really likes Cassandra so she’ll stay for now, but we’ll see how long she can hold up under the pressure of being away from her baby (which is totally fair)

·         Who’s in: Kat, Kelly, Clare (from their dates) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and finally Christy whose foundation continues to be two shades darker then her body.

·         Who’s out: Victoria, obviously, Chantel whose fate was sealed when they kept cutting to her for her two cents during the episode, and Amy L our intrepid reporter.

·         What’s next: SO MUCH! So much more drama and romance. See you next week.

·         Twitter: @Chasspod

·         Kisses and hugs

The Bachelor - Episode 1 Recap

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, WELL, WELL, WELL! As faithfully as the seasons change THE BACHELOR is back on TV screens across America, and for the fourth season, I am back to faithfully recap all the shenanigans and minimal romance for you. To those of you returning to me, welcome back! To first time readers, thanks for joining the noble ranks!

I can tell you in post that this premier episode had the highest ratings for The Bachelor in three years. That is thanks, in no small part, to the extensive publicity campaign ABC launched to promote Juan Pablo, going so far as to coin the buzzword “Juan-uary”. It is of course also due to the fact that Juan Pablo Galavis is sexy as all get out and a completely charming Latino-Americano.  But enough of the mechanics, let’s get started with Juan Pablo on his journey to love!

We kick right off with shots of Juan Pablo posing for photographs and jogging with his shirt off as he voices over how great his life is with his daughter, family, and job in Miami but the one thing he’s missing…is LOVE! JP has a beautiful four year old daughter named Camila whom he loves very much, but wants to find a mom for her and start makin’ babies.  “It’s all about destiny…you have to be in the same place at the same time and be of the same mind,” he says about finding love. Cheers to him improving his English.

And now for some sage advice on being El Bachelor, Juan Pablo invites none other than Sean Lowe over to his bachelor pad. After world’s cutest playtime with Camila, the dudes settle in to have some real talk about “the process”. Most notably, Juan Pablo is not too keen on calling it a “journey”, so he and Sean decide together to call it an “adventure”. Adventure is the new journey, y’all!

“What’s your kissing strategy?” Sean asks. Juan Pablo just makes an awkward little face and shrugs. Sean’s advice is to “feel it in the moment” which, sure, but more importantly he warns to not kiss someone in front of the other girls because he got in big trouble for that. Somehow I have a feeling this advice will not be followed to the letter?

We leave our two bro-dudes with a beautiful story of how Sean and Catherine have love that lasts in the real world because one time his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and at 2am, they scrubbed down the dogs in the backyard and all Sean could think was that Catherine is his forever person. OK. THAT’S. NICE. Their wedding is at the end of this month. Hooray Sean and Catherine!

Chris Harrison in his suit and tie is back out in front of that disease ridden, blue-lit mansion!!! I feel so safe here. Let’s stay awhile. Oh we have to meet some of the women first? Ok fine let’s get the crazy train off the rails.

Chelsie, a 24 year old science teacher from Columbus, Ohio, is up first. Chelsie says the main way her family would describe her is “very silly”, which is a great, great quality to highlight in yourself as an adult. Still, Chelsie is pretty cute and is trying to learn Spanish despite saying “ar-mor” instead of “amor” repeatedly.

Renee from Sarasota is paddle boarding into frame now! She’s 32 just like Juan Pablo and has an 8 year old son. She is calm, cool, and collected in her package. I like Renee. We are off to a good start.

Andi is a GANG PROSECUTOR IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA. She is INCREDIBLY beautiful and obviously, incredibly intelligent. I LIKE ANDI. NOBODY F*** WITH ANDI.

Next up we have Amy an incredibly terrifying joy monster who claims to be a message therapist. We see her heavily breathing while kneeling on the buttocks of what we can only hope is one of her clients. She could not be chewing the scenery more and ends the whole thing by falling over in orgasmic pleasure when she says the name “Juan Pablo”. She seems sane.

Nikki does actually seem sane and like a normal human. She’s a 26 year old pediatric nurse who is very pretty and well-spoken. She wants love that lasts forever, can you believe it? Still though, she’s sweet and pretty and a smart nurse.

Lauren H from Oklahoma is “25”, but really I think “35” might be a better guess. She is “incredibly blessed” in her life but her love life is no bueno. Lauren spins us the yarn of how a little over ONE YEAR ago, she MET a man and they got ENGAGED and SIX WEEKS LATER he CALLED HER AT WORK to break off the engagement. I can’t even fathom that timeline y’all. You cannot, cannot, cannot meet someone and get engaged to them and then be dumped by that person with enough time to heal to then go on the Bachelor to find love. Lauren H., you crazy.

Valerie is a 26 year old personal trainer from a farm town who says she’s incredibly competitive in addition to being very, very pretty. Her words, not mine. She also calls all the other girls as ugly as goats, but not to worry because ugly people need love too. She seems chill.

Now, at 25 Lacey is the proprietor of an elderly care facility especially those with special needs because that’s the example her family set for her by adopting eight other special needs kids. Are you kidding, Lacey? Are you kidding with the amount of goodness in your heart that you’re putting into the world? This show finds some crazies, but also some real Miss America contenders.

And finally we have Claire who is part Mexican, but is plagued by the death of her father still. “There was something wrong in his brain, and we found out he had brain cancer,” Claire nods to camera. Which…let’s just start by saying that is very sad and I am sorry for her loss but…this is a hilarious way to describe what brain cancer is. ANYHOW, he passed away, but not before making a DVD to Claire’s future husband that remains unwatched until she finds that right man. Ten bucks says that DVD comes out by week three.

Alright! Enough with the video packages! Let’s get those women out on a water soaked stone driveway in front of a mansion embarrassing themselves meeting Juan Pablo! Because of such popular demand, there will be 27 women starting off this season rather than the traditional 25. Cool, I guess?

Amy L., a local news reporter from Florida is out first.  She looks nice in a sparkly red dress. Next is Cassandra who is TWENTY ONE and a former NBA dancer. They share an awkward silence because HER BRAIN IS STILL FORMING BECAUSE SHE’S A CHILD. Christy from Chicago is wearing the white satin prom dress that all the girls in my high school wore to prom in 2006. JP says he is liking this first leemo. Now it’s Christine in a slamming green dress who brings a cute little bracelet for Camila. Ok, here comes Nikki that cute pediatric nurse who is wearing a tight, low cut, low back dress and she is working it. She does a cute bit with a stethoscope for Juan Pablo to hear how fast her heart is beating with excitement. I would say it goes well because when she walks away Juan Pablo bites his hand as if to say “AYAYAY! MUY CALIENTE!”

The next limo pulls up and Juan Pablo whimpers out “they’re screaming…”  Out comes Kat who does a little salsa step with him, and Juan remarks to an off screen producer that she smells really good. And Chantel one of our first women of color is up, who impresses our bachelor with a great pronunciation of his name after belittling him with how to pronounce Chantel. Victoria is Brazilian which is just unfair to the rest of us, but she’s wearing a sparkly yellow tarp for a dress so that levels out the playing field a little.

Oh Christ. We pan up from a pair of bare feet getting out of the limo as we meet Lucy. A 24 year old “Free Spirit” that Juan Pablo remarks is “so cute.” No. Not so cute, Juan Pablo. So horrible. So loathsome. She is wearing one of those stupid flower crowns. I hope she free spirits some water from a hose and gets hepatitis A or whichever one just gives you screaming diarrhea for a month.

I’m quickly assuaged by Danielle’s entrance. She is another woman of color wearing an incredible dress that makes her look like Athena Goddess of War. I will be calling her Athena. She’s a psychiatric nurse. Danielle can stay.

And then a thing happens that I’m not even sure I have the skills to describe to you. A girl struggles up the driveway on what I can only describe as a piano bicycle that she has clearly never ridden/played before. Juan Pablo runs to her aid! Then he runs back to wait for her when she assures him she’s “got it”! Then she pulls up on her piano bike and plays a song that’s a song with notes. She messes up because it’s a PIANO ON A BIKE. She’s a composer who says that she just wanted him to know that music is her passion “musica es mi vida”. KILL ME with all the terrible Spanish happening right out of the gate. She walks away and Juan runs after her into the mansion to learn that her name is Lauren.

Chelsie the cute science teacher gets out next and does a little bit about instead of “doing chemistry” they should make some chemistry of their own. She throws some test tubes in the bushes which is littering and not very environmentally friendly, miss science teacher.

Valerie that snippy personal trainer comes out wearing cowboy boots with her gown to show how down to earth she is. Why do women always do this? Wearing cowboy boots with a gown is ZERO indication of your chill level and very good indicator that everyone should hate you. Elise comes out and she’s a pretty blond but most important is that her hometown is Forty Fort, Pennsylvania. Ashley comes out with a gold star sticker for Juan Pablo because she’s a first grade teacher.

Then we hear some grunting and sighing as Claire struggles out of the limo wearing a lovely pink dress and A FAKE BABY BELLY. OH CLAIRE, YOU SEEMED SO ALMOST NORMAL AND NOW YOU’RE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND. “HAHAHA I’M PREGNANT JK,” IS, IN MY EXPERIENCE, NOT A GREAT PICKUP LINE. Juan Pablo is trying to be so diplomatic but his internal panic is written on his handsome face. When she asks if he wants to feel she then reveals, “It’s so not real! It’s a little lumpy for a baby, right?!”………………………………………………………………….no.

Back on track we meet Ally, a nanny from Chicago who kicks the soccer ball around. Amy J. the crazy masseur comes out in a gold lamé dress that completely squashes her boobs. But JP seems into it because he whispers “Nos vemos a dentro” as she leaves which means “We’ll see each other inside”.

Renee the single mom comes out next! She’s a star and makes a great first impression. Lauren H. the heartbroken crazy comes out next, and she is a “mineral coordinator” which I know is a real job but sounds super, super fake. How does on coordinate minerals?

Maggie has the thickest little southern accent ever and brings him a fishing hook to show that he’s a good catch. We have Kelly who is preceded by her dog Molly getting out of the limo. Kelly has listed her occupation as “dog lover” which his NOT. A. THING. Lacey the old folks home owner brings him a fake prescription from cupid’s pharmacy. Which Albert and Ethel at the home told her that was a good idea?

Alexis gets out of the limo speaking Spanish at a third grade level. Kylie is a redheaded interior designer in a heinous bubble gum pink pageant dress. Sharleen is stoic but beautiful and she’s an opera singer from Canada who lives in Germany. She makes quite the impression on Juan Pablo. “Sin-gers, I like sin-gers,” he says.

Last but CERTAINLY not least is my top horse in the running ANDI THE FEDERAL PROSECUTOR. She doesn’t do anything crazy but they have good chemistry on first meeting. Go, Andi.

After the quick explanation of the First Impression Rose, Juan Pablo is off to the races inside the house! He is a little overwhelmed by all the beautiful women. “It feels like you are a meat that they gonna eat you,” he says. But don’t worry, he knows what to do. He brings out a little music to have a dance party! And there’s a photo booth! How wacky! He’s just SO wacky and low-key! It’s like a wedding!

Juan Pablo is a people person and he starts right away taking women away to meet them and have one on one time. He is the epitome of charm and diplomacy with these women. While talking to Renee though, he does have a big red lipstick mark on one cheek. Oopsies.

Lucy is a psychopath who should be stopped by any means necessary. She climbs all over him right away and stares into his eyes as she says, “Do you get nervous when I get close to you? Don’t be nervous. Be sure.” Which is a thing that normal people and not psychopathic mass murderers say to people upon first meeting them. She points out that she’s not wearing shoes just like a “real hippie”. I’m pretty sure it’s also just like a “real hippie” to be wearing a $1000 gown on a reality dating show but I’m not a “real hippie” like Lucy. Even though Juan Pablo is clearly freaked out by her he’s still the essence of diplomacy by saying, “It’s a little crazy, but it’s the first night so a lot of crazy is going on.”

Smash cut to Amy J. the masseur frolicking Juan Pablo out to a massage table that’s been so graciously set up by the producers on the driveway. Bless them. She is slowly undressing him and talking about essential oils and even though she is creepy, creepy, creeping up and down his body with her hands, he is like “Ok. Yes. Thank you. No no. This is fine. I’m not uncomfortable” even though his eyes scream for mercy.

He continues schmoozing with all the ladies as they collectively lose their shit when Chris Harrison places the First Impression Rose on the table. Everybody wants their time with him, most of all Lauren H. She is already crying because she feels like she can’t get time with Juan Pablo, and she needs love more than anyone else in that room. Lauren H. just needs to take a deep breath and a sip of some brown liquor. She is breathlessly weeping to camera. The first grade teacher ends up pulling her away to calm her down like she would with one of her six year olds.

When Lauren H. finally gets her time with Juan you can tell she’s been crying. She leads the conversation with her broken engagement story, and he’s being so kind to her. That being said, he and I both know that Juan Pablo is not Lauren’s therapist and maybe Lauren should get a therapist.

Sharleen is being stiff and keeps calling Juan Pablo “sir” even though JP is super into her. He says, “We would say in Spanish she has “mundo”, she has “world”. She’s very elegant.” He walks away for a second, and she says, “He’s a good package, but you know, I guess I thought I would feel more of this insta-chemistry than I did.” And then he comes back with the first impression rose! OH GOD. Has anyone ever rejected the first impression rose? Will she? He calls her elegant again “I like the way you are.” And after a long, long pause she finally says, “Sure! Yes. Thank you, sir.” Because Sharleen is elegant and confused about her feelings. I think she should give him a chance because JUAN PABLO.

Other girls are sad and jealous, but the first impression rose is out, and it can’t be taken back. The only thing left is the first official rose ceremony.

He calls out: Claire, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S, Kelly (and Molly her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie. Then he calls out Kat’s name and Kylie smiles and comes sauntering forward as he hurriedly whispers “Kat! Kat!” and we can see a very special part of Kylie’s soul shrivel up and die before our very eyes. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes. But it’s too late. If it had been Kylie too, he would have just rolled with it. But now she’s going to throw up and die.

Back to the roses though: Victoria, Christy, Lucy (who TWIRLS away from him. DIE, LUCY.), Elise, and the final rose goes to Amy L.

That leaves Kylie, Amy J, Ashley, Alexis, Christine, Lacey, Maggie, Valerie, and Lauren H. all eliminated.

“People don’t always feel you the way you feel them,” Amy J cries to camera which I laugh about for approximately three hours because she’s a MASSEUR AND LITERALLY FELT TOO MUCH OF JUAN PABLO. And the other women are sad too.

But no matter! Next week the real fun begins with dates and drama and dresses! I’ll see you next Wednesday for the recap, and until then follow me over on twitter @Chasspod. (All photos care of abc.com; gif care of Yahoo Entertainment)