Sorry To Inform You, But The Picture You Posted Is Not Michael Fassbender. It's A Model, I Don't Know

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

"That's what life's about. Straddling people. And Things."

We'll get to that quote a little later, but it was just so beautiful and perfect that I needed it to be emboldened, front and center. I might need it air brushed onto a t-shirt. Let's all remember that lil dollop of wisdom as we continue on this entire "adventure" to find love.

They waste no time jumping to the first one-on-one date with Clare. You remember Clare. She faked a pregnancy to meet the man to whom she wants to show her Dead Dad DVD. Clare is over the moon excited for this date.

“I know it sounds crazy, but this could be my first date with my future husband!” she beams to camera. I need Clare to take it down about 6 notches. She’s at about a 15, and I need her at a solid 9.

Juan Pablo blindfolds her which according to the girls is CRAZY! WILD! SO UNPREDICTABLE! And he whisks her away in his car. They arrive at a spectacular winter wonderland with snow covered pines and twinkling lights. It’s pretty stunning. Clare is giggling and laughing and beaming and squealing. She’s now at about an 18. To see her so excited makes Juan Pablo feel “bedder manna meelion bucks” (better than a million bucks).

They sled! They skate! Clare drops the first “fairy tale” of the season! And Juan Pablo dutifully reminds us that this is also his first ever one-on-one date. All told, it’s a pretty good one. I approve. We’re hearing a lot of very emotional words from Clare, and I’m scared she’s gonna be the psycho who falls in love way too quickly.

“I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long time,” she says. Oh, boy. I’m worried about this. She is near tears 90% of the time. Even when describing the way he “slithers into the spa”. I can’t Clare. I need you at a 9, and you are at a 15 and above at all times.

And you’re even higher than a 15 when you are intimately massaging Juan Pablo while almost crying talking about your Dead Dad. “Unless you’re gonna come in and be like a wonderful positive thing in my life, I will wait forever for that right one.” Um, is that a threat, Clare?

Also all during that, Juan did not pick up on the fact that her dad has died so when he asks about the story of her necklace, she has to talk even more about her Dead Dad. You can see his gears turning so, so fast trying to understand and make her feel comfortable.

“If you had a father that treated you like a princess, you will want a man who treats you like a princess,” Juan Pablo explains. Then he gets the rose to bring to Clare, who is still in the hot tub. “I’m having a very, very much good time with you. It was pretty, pretty much increíble,” are the words he chooses to express himself. I feel it important to tell you that anything I ever transcribe from Juan Pablo is exact because the way he chooses his words is hilarious and amazing.

OH DID YOU THINK THE DATE WAS OVER? NOPE. PRIVATE CONCERT. THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR A PRIVATE CONCERT ON THE BACHELOR. THIS ONE IS COURTESY OF JOSH KRAJCIK WHO I GUESS WAS ON THE X FACTOR. THANKS, JOSH!

Once again we’re making a quick transition over to Kat for her one on one date with Juan Pablito. Kat was not very memorable from night one, so I’m interested to see what she’s like other than pretty and blond. She, too, is flipping her lid that she is really going on this date today.

Juan Pablo picks her up at the mansion in his sick ass Tesla (I hope it’s not the kind that spontaneously combusts). The next mode of transportation they take is a private jet! No thank you! That seems way too involved for a single date!

JP excuses himself for a second to get some “soo-price-ess” (surprises) that are clues for the date. While he’s gone, Kat day dreams out the window that perhaps they’re taking a TRANSCONTINENTAL FLIGHT ON A PRIVATE JET THE SIZE OF PICK UP TRUCK. No Kat, you’re not going to Miami. And no Kat, you’re not going to New York City where it’s “kind of private and just the two of you” because that’s also not a thing in addition to a 5+ hour flight.

After a costume change into crazy neon outfits complete with flashing LED lights, they land in Salt Lake City, Utah. As night falls they run down a path that’s lighting up with colors as they go, and the trees are blinking with neon umbrellas stuck in them and they finally reach a screaming crowd because this date is yours and my collective nightmare: a 5K Electric Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Kat and Juan Pablo are the official kick starters of the race, so off they go. I would die. I would literally fake my death in order to get out of going on a five kilometer jog as a first date with a guy. I guess some of you psychos genuinely enjoy jogging and physical fitness, but I swear to the Lord Who Made Me if anyone ever sprung recreational jogging on me I will kill myself or him Amen.

There is electronic music blasting and people are screaming as they run. There are regularly spaced dance breaks. And I guess if I weren’t the kind of indoor-kid troll that I am, I would enjoy that date. And Kat is yet another former NBA dancer in the house so they look like they have fun. And boy can you guys even imagine the number of times they use electricity as a metaphor for love?!?! So many you could fuel a small city with their power HA HA HA.

After the finish line, there is a massive, I’m thinking genuinely about 15,000 people grouped together for a huge dance party that Kat and Juan Pablo basically MC by dancing on stage with the DJ. After once again announcing, “I am having a good time!!!” Juan Pablo picks up the rose and gives it to Kat over the roars of the audience. Good for them. But did they get to know each other enough over the sensual dancing and music? We’ll have to wait and see.

Now for the group date we have Chelsea, Christie, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Everyone is the same mixed bag of excitement versus nervous. Lucy is worried about getting his attention without flashing her boobs. Really.

“The date card said ‘Say Cheese’. So, I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I don’t know. I’m good at either one,” Kelly blankly slurs into camera. That line is hilarious, so you get a pass for dead eyes and “dog lover” as your occupation for now, Kell.

They are, of course, doing a photo shoot, as per Bachelor tradition that the first group date be camera involved (Sean’s romance novel covers, Desiree’s “music” video, etc). A ghoul with an electric blue goatee emerges as the photo shoot’s creative director. I’m pretty sure he’s actually from the Capital. So Caesar Flickerman informs the girls that this will be for charity and they will have special partners. It’s dogs. The special partners are dogs. Everyone is rightly out of their minds with joy upon entering a room full of dogs just waiting to be loved and played with.

Then a nameless leader tells us about how Models for Mutts helps raise awareness of pet adoptions via sexy photo shoots with dogs? This is surely another citizen of the Capital. The other guy she’s with can stay though. He’s actually from a charity called Best Friends Animal Society that is working to get pets adopted while working to make every shelter a no-kill shelter. So he’s fine. Effie Trinket can leave.

This is all too America’s Next Top Model for me. All of the sudden, Caesar Flickerman starts maniacally laughing and saying “Oooh! Oooh!” as he hands Elise and Andi their wardrobe. Which is just a piece of foam core. Yes. It’s a piece of thick card board.

“A photo shoot is not my comfort zone. Being nude is not my comfort zone…I mean I send people to jail every day for a living!” Andi laments to camera. And she’s RIGHT. SHE’S A MOTHER F***ING FEDERAL PROSECUTOR WHO SENDS GANG MEMBERS TO JAIL EVERY DAY. IN ATLANTA. ATLANTA! SHE DOES NOT, FOR ANY TV SHOW, MAN, OR CHARITY, HAVE TO WEAR A PIECE OF CARDBOARD IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO.

Elise doesn’t have to either, but she quickly trades with Lucy who is more than comfortable wearing no clothes in front of many people. Oh, but I should mention that when Elise tries to talk to Caesar Flickerman about how she’s a first grade teacher and wants to be a good role model he replies, “It’s not about what you are wearing that makes a good role model. It’s about what you are doing for charity. Ok, sweetheart? Thank you so much!” and WALKS THE F*** AWAY. LIKE A CHAUVINISTIC ASS HOLE. If Lucy is comfortable being nude, that’s great. More power to her. But if Elise, in any way, feels that uncomfortable or that this is not a good thing, then fine. She should not have to do it.

The photo shoot starts. There are lifeguards and bikinis and Elise traded nudity for a fire hydrant which she still complains about. Kelly on the other hand is bald and painted like a mangy dog, so she does not have time for Elise. “Are you kidding me? Wear the f***ing fire hydrant and shut the f*** up. Seriously.” Kelly. Stop it. You’re being awesome.

Andi is still freaking out in the background though. Finally, Juan Pablo comes over to help smooth things out. He reassures her that he’s nervous too, but he’s going to be nude right alongside her. When he’s talking to her, it seems like a lot less pressuring and forcing her to do it, and she ends up deciding to do it because it’s for a good cause. “You wanted an ‘aventura’ and you’re definitely getting an ‘aventura’ with this!” she teases him. Andi’s the best, y’all.

Oh and at no point in the entire episode is any screen with additional information on either charity. Seems like a worthy cause to potentially compromise your morals for.

What group date would be complete without a beautiful cocktail party at a roof top pool?

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo away first and is very nervous to tell him that she has a son. She is a 21 year-old former NBA dancer who has a two year-old son. Huh. Ok. That’s a lot to process. Juan is very taken with her though and called her “elegant and cute” at the photo shoot.

Obviously the talk about her having a kid goes well, and Juan Pablo is even more enamored of her than before. In other mom news, Renee is gunning for a kiss in her quiet time with Juan. It doesn’t happen, but Renee is great. I’m hopeful for her.

Meanwhile, back at the poolside as everyone has had a glass of wine to calm their nerves, Victoria has had several. She’s being a little wackadoo, so Nikki decides to pull her aside and level with her, girl to girl.

“You need to tone it down. I think everyone thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” whispers Nikki.

“Why? I just got here! I’m not hammered,” slurrrrrs out Victoria.

Smash cut to Victoria rolling around in her interview chair spewing out such beautiful words of wisdom as “If Juan Pablo were mine, I would just straddle him all the time. Because that’s what life’s about: straddling people. And things.” And other hits like “Kelly told me she wants to put a bark collar on me because I’m too loud!” Victoria cray, y’all.

Nikki is up next for one-on-one time. Juan Pablo really likes Nikki and especially likes that she is a hot pediatric nurse. While they are talking though, we are never far from Hurricane Victoria.

“Today I gave Juan Pablo the hymen [SIC] maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that,” Victoria says while pushing her boobs together for the camera. At this point Lucy the Nudist has pointed out that you are acting crazy, and that means it’s time to lock it up.

Things then very quickly go downhill. Victoria runs to find Juan Pablo and sees him talking to Nikki. She then turns and runs away. “Uh-oh, she’s had a little bit a LOT to drink?” Juan Pablo posits. She then runs past all the girls, manages to grab a swim cover up, and flees to the bathroom handicap stall where she locks the door and starts sobbing.

Renee, mother of an 8 year-old boy, saint, and all-around great woman goes to try and comfort her. Renee is so patient and so kind with an unreasonable drunk person who is so drunk at this point, she’s less rational than Renee’s 8 year-old. So determined is Renee to help this girl that she crawls under the bathroom stall door. Victoria basically just wants to go home and keeps saying, “I’m done!”

Then she burst out of the ladies room! She runs straight to the elevator bank but is met head on by none other than Elan Gale. He stops her because she’s not clothed, or shoed, or in any state of mind whatsoever to be on the streets of LA. She just keeps saying, “I’m done! I’m going home!” and Elan Gale keeps saying, “I understand you’re done. You can go home. But I have to get you a plane ticket. I have to get you a taxi cab. I can’t just let you go. It’s for your own safety!”

Victoria is having NONEYA BULLSH*** ELAN GALE! SHE STORMS OFF BACK TO HER HANDICAP STALL OF SOLITUDE TO RIDE OUT THE STORM!

Lucy very sweetly comes to tell JP about the situation with Victoria. I’m starting to like Lucy against every single other instinct I have. When JuanPa tries to go talk to Victoria she just completely shuts him down and is having a temper tantrum. He, very wisely, just walks away.

The date rose ends up going to Kelly for being the best sport of the day having the butt ugliest costume for the photo shoot. Juan Pablo makes the girls promise that Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her tomorrow.

Next day: it’s a hotel room. Victoria has stayed there overnight. Juan Pablo arrives to talk things over. She still wears the cover up and swimsuit from the ill-fated night before. Basically she apologizes and tries to be cutesie saying “Welcome to Brazil!” And he’s like “haha no, crazy lady” He actually says, “I’m 32. With a daughter,” and peaces out on her. Good for you Juan Pablo. Ain’t no daddy got time for that.

Alright here’s the quick rose ceremony wrap up because this feels like the longest episode in history:

·         Amy L makes a fool of herself doing a fake news interview with Juan Pablo

·         Sharleen warms up a bit to JP and apologizes for being a weirdo and saying “sir” a lot when she got the first impression rose

·         Cassandra is freaking out because she misses her son and is 21 so can’t process emotions

·         Renee comforts her because Renee is the best

·         Then Juan Pablo comforts her because Juan Pablo really likes Cassandra so she’ll stay for now, but we’ll see how long she can hold up under the pressure of being away from her baby (which is totally fair)

·         Who’s in: Kat, Kelly, Clare (from their dates) Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alison, Chelsie, Lauren, and finally Christy whose foundation continues to be two shades darker then her body.

·         Who’s out: Victoria, obviously, Chantel whose fate was sealed when they kept cutting to her for her two cents during the episode, and Amy L our intrepid reporter.

·         What’s next: SO MUCH! So much more drama and romance. See you next week.

·         Twitter: @Chasspod

·         Kisses and hugs

My favorite scene in Bridesmaids is the entire airplane scene, but this snippet is the best of the best. While not specifically at the wedding, I think it still counts as a great moment in film nuptials.

The best part: The absolute straight delivery of Steve/Stove.

"Are you an appliance?"

"No. I'm a man. And my name is Steve."

"You're a flight attendant."

"That is absolutely accurate."

The Bachelorette - Finale Recap

The time has finally come to wrap up this long show’s journey into night. It is the end of the Bachelorette for another year, another end of all the hopes and dreams of so many young men and one woman. And it’s the end of my time with all of you for a while. Parting is SUCH sweet sorrow, so before we part, let’s watch this tragi-comedy unfold.

Before any filmed footage is shown, we of course have to check in with Chrarrison and the live studio audience. We do receive on important piece of info from Old Chrarrs: whoever Andi didn’t pick is so heartbroken that he has tried to contact her several times to get closure. He even tried to contact her “while she was vacationing in Mexico, and she refused to speak with him”. UH. NO DUH. BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEHAVIOR OF AN UNWELL PERSON. And I guess he tried to confront her again during the Men Tell All and she refused him again. Oooo, how will this fage?

The episode kicks right off with Nick coming to meet Andi’s family. We have her very intimidating father Hy, her sweet mother with terrible fishing hook eyebrows Patti, and her sister Rachel and brother-in-law…Haley? His name can’t be Haley but that’s what it sounds like. Nick is nervous but excited to meet Andi’s family. He’s taking this very seriously.

I guess the bro-in-law’s name is Ailey which makes less sense than Haley, but whatever. The whole family is commenting on how nervous Nick is acting. He’s being very reserved and stumbling. They manage through lunch, and Nick is getting worried they will think he’s a jackass.

So Nick sits down with Patti to talk it all out. “I know that Andi’s it for me…I love her in ways I never I thought I could love someone before,” Nick says, at which point Patti tears up.

Andi sits down with her sister Rachel who desperately needs some morrocan oil for her hair. Andi shares how Nick truly sees her whole soul and when he kisses her, she feels his passion for her.

The biggest moment comes when Nick sits down with Hy to ask his permission to marry Andi. Hy simply asks what it is that he likes/loves about Andi. Nick answers diplomatically, but Hy makes sure his eyes are on the future.  Nick asks for the blessing. Hy hesitates; then he goes on to explain that he thinks Andi is as special as Nick does and gives his blessing. Nick passes the family test with flying colors.

Now it’s Josh’s turn against the firing squad! Based on his politician nature, I have no doubt he will do well with her family. The family already loves him because he lives in Atlanta, but Hy is cautious because Josh has a lot to live up to compared to Nick. Hy straight up laughs at Josh because he can see that he is trying so hard to look cool and casual but is so nervous, “This poor guy didn’t have a prayer.” Oh Hy, you’re the top.

“This loud guy comes in with Andi and he keeps saying how nervous he is and how hot he is…he’s just boisterous and a little chaotic,” Patti says. Uh-oh, do I sense trouble in paradise? Josh has some ground to make up with her parents.

Rachel listens to Andi’s concerns about Josh with the best kind of sisterly grace. She hears all her worries that he is a former-athlete and maybe a salesman but is confident in Andi’s feelings. Rachel and Ailey then take Josh aside to talk seriously about his feelings and intentions for Andi. Rachel approves of Josh.

Then it’s time for Hy to take Josh aside and level with him. Hy is such a straight forward guy. No frills, no fuss, just says what he’s thinking. I like that. Josh speaks up for himself and meets the expectations though. Hy asks, “Are you sure this isn’t just a camp romance?” which I LOVE because that’s exactly what this show can be sometimes! Camp! And then you go away to school and you’re so sure it’s going to be the same, but it isn’t. Awww, Hy. Stick around all the time.

Josh really stands his ground though that he feels the forever kind of love for him. Josh boldly tells Hy, “in a few days, I’d love to propose to your daughter and I’d love to make her my wife.”

“You’ve got my blessing. The only one you gotta worry about is hers,” Hy says. WHAT A GUY. WHAT. A. GUY.

Well, that was quick and painless. Everybody loves Josh too.

Andi now has her final date with Josh. She is wearing the shit out of a tropical print caftan while she and Josh go yachting about the island. They can’t keep their hands off each other as the Caribbean winds whip around them. It is quite the romantic scene. These two are VERY canoodley which is starting to make me doubt my instincts that Nick will win.

They get to jump off the yacht to go swimming, and you can totally 100% see the camera guy swimming alongside them which is so funny to me. That kind of stuff is what makes me pause and think, “these two are having this romantic moment in the water…six feet away from a man in a wetsuit holding a waterproof camera…” like, WHAT?!

For dinner, the couple meets up at Josh’s plush ass suite. The snuggle up on his couch to talk about fears, doubts, and hopes going into the future. Andi is just worried that the puppy love phase will end, and that the romance will fade, but Josh reassures her in his very confident way that he feels forever love for her. I’m tempted to feel swayed by this, but I’m not. I mean, I believe he THINKS he feels that, but come on. Who knows?

Then Josh whips out the special surprise he and the producers cooked up to give Andi one final sway in his favor. First he reads a nice, long letter to her because he couldn’t say the words to her. Then he presents her with a gift. It’s a baseball card with her picture and all her “stats” on it. Stats like “Games Played: doesn’t play games” and “Errors: can’t dance and swears too much”. At first, I really hated this card, but that’s at least a little bit cute. EXCEPT he presents it to her with her name ALREADY CHANGED TO HIS LAST NAME: ANDI MURRAY. LIKE SHE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO CONSIDER KEEPING HER OWN LAST NAME OR HYPHENATING IT BECAUSE FEMINISM IS DEAD AND YOU ARE JUST A MAN’S PROPERTY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Call me new-fashioned, but I just can’t handle all this assumption of women just taking the man’s last name, no questions asked.

Anyhow, Andi feels very good after their final date and a lot of very lip-smacky kissing. She is worried about how much she feels for Josh and how much he feels for her. But she knows how much she feels for him. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Nick has his final date coming off Andi’s two straight days spent with Josh. Andi is really looking for clarity with this date so that she really knows at the end of the day who her guy will be. They start off the day going off-roading through the island and land at a beautiful, private lagoon. At the lagoon, Nick talks about how much he liked her family and how he told them just how much he loves her. Andi feels like the love she feels from Nick makes her feel like a woman and makes her feel sexy. Which is something important to feel, so that’s something that Josh doesn’t necessarily have.

Back at Nick’s plush ass suite, Nick is worrying about where Josh is in the picture. He’s worried that she’s unsure. He’s worried he’s unsure. Andi really gets him to open up about what he’s so obviously worried about. He shares that the morning after his last engagement, he woke up and new something wasn’t right and doesn’t want to feel that with her at all. She reassures him that everything will be alright. And he tells her he loves her, and while she can’t say it back, she just tries to comfort him. Nick’s confidence is at an all time high. He says he can feel what she feels for him even though she can’t say it back.

The final gift for Andi’s favor that Nick presents is a necklace that has some sand from the beach where he first told her that he loved her in it. What a very pretty necklace, producers. Thanks for that. It’s very pretty actually, and is a more totem-like gift than the one from Josh. Although her reaction for Josh’s gift was more lively. I DON’T KNOW, GUYS. WHO WILL IT BE?!?!

Ahhh, the morning has finally arrived. Andi walks about the grounds of her casa in a pink silk teddy and black silk kimono. As she voices over her feelings for each guy, we also get to see the men staring out from their respective balconies not wearing shirts. So deep. So, so deep these moments are. But the heart of the matter is that Andi feels confident in her decision. I feel confident in getting to see Neil Lane in T minus three minutes!

Nick tells us, “I’m going to follow my gut, and my gut says to listen to my heart,” which is a lot of body parts being awfully talkative, Nick. He’s super confident that when he proposes to Andi, she will say yes.

On the other hand, we have Josh who is so excited to propose but is vulnerable enough to admit that she might not say yes. But even knowing that she could say no, he wants to do it anyway. Josh, stop making me like you against my will. Everything in me wants to greatly dislike you, but I CAN’T. Your voice is still annoying though, so there.

AND NOW THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: HIS ROYAL MAJESTY, KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS, NEIL LAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE! Neil Lane comes to Josh’s rooms to present his sparkling wares for approval. He shows various bajillion carat diamonds surrounded by a million other, tinier diamonds, but none quite work. He shows one and says, “That’s a strong ring, and I hear Andi’s a strong woman.”

To which Josh replies, “She is. She’s a very strong woman.”

“And you can handle that?”

“Oh absolutely I can. She’s a strong woman and that’s a very sexy quality to me,” Josh says. They laugh. Joshua is making me like him more by the second. What is happening to me you guys?

They finally settle on a huge oval cut diamond ring that is, of course, encrusted by a billion other diamonds. It is very pretty. It’s too much for me, but I’m not Andi.

So then we cut over to Nick who is very excited to look at some rings from King Neil. He gets up to answer the knock on the door, but to his surprise and MUCH to my own, it is Andi standing before him. DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Then before we get to hear anything about what actually happens, we have to talk to some of Bachelor Nation’s favorites about what’s about to happen. No one cares, least of all Michelle Money who asks the question of everyone’s mind: Who will be the next Bachelor? And while Chrarrison skirts about the answer, the cameras zoom in on Farmer Chris’ face again and again. The whole studio audience chants “Chris.”  It’s very obvious that it’s Farmer Chris, although they refuse to actually just say it is.

But back to the actual matter at hand: Nick’s impending doom. They have a seat and Andi starts off with, “I was thinking about what you said at night, and…thought about how you said the last time you got engaged, you woke up that morning and you didn’t think something was right. And I woke up this morning and didn’t feel that something was right.” Then her voice starts to wobble because the emotional truth is coming out. That Nick is not her guy. She just keeps repeating “It’s not right.”

Nick is many things right now. He is shocked. He is sad. He is angry. He is confused. So he just starts talking and is rambling about how he doesn’t understand how she could look at him the way she did and react the way she did to him telling her that he loved her and not mean it. So she tries to defend herself that she did mean it but now she just knows that a life with him would just be a life of overanalyzing every moment.

Woah. Way harsh, Tai.  That was way harsh.

So then Nick jumps on the Way Harsh train and asks, “Is this really about us or is it about someone else?”

And Andi, sitting there tearfully, doesn’t respond because she is a lady and will spare him the torment of the answer to that question. Then Nick says some very interesting things. He says, “Sometimes I feel like you took it too far…Just remember when we were in the water and I told you that I loved you and you said ‘I wish I could say things back.’…There are just some things I wish you wouldn’t have said or done.” Like…sex? Is that what you’re pissed about Nick? You’re gonna throw her under the bus for that?

But Andi leaves with hardly another word and walks out into the rain. I bet the producers were giddy with glee over timing this exactly with the thirty minutes a day that it rains in the Dominican Republic. Nick stares out his balcony for a while then begins to pack. We watch him fold his boxer-briefs and then throw away all his roses from the pocket of his carry on. Ah, buddy. Methink you flew a little too close to the sun, Icarus.

At least she did it this way to save you the further embarrassment of picking out a ring, ACTUALLY PROPOSING, and THEN getting dumped on a platform on which her future happiness will also begin. CONSIDER THAT, IN YOUR AGONY NICK! CONSIDER THAAAAAAT.

But we have no more time for agony, we have an engagement to get to. Andi is looking beautiful in a cream chiffon dress with embellished neck. Josh is wearing a suit that appears to be made for a toddler. It’s so tight on his giant arms and is streeeeeeeetched all across his back and totally puckered where he’s buttoned it. What? Did they lose his suit and have to put him in Nick’s?

Josh starts his speech to Andi by saying that he left baseball (???) to find a great lover that was out there. “And then I found you Andi Dorfman,” he says. And ok, fine, I love that he uses her full name. He waxes poetic about how much and how he loves her. How lucky and blessed he is to have found her and how much he loves her bright smile and her eyes. AND DAMMIT. I like this speech. But also shut up.

Then it’s Andi’s turn to say her piece. She starts off slowly and builds that it was scary to know that Josh would only say I love you to the woman who would be his wife. But then she says the only way to describe what she’s feeling is “Love. Josh I love you. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you. I’m madly in love with you.”

And then Josh is so happy because he was scared for a second! Then he gets on one knee and says, “Andi Jeanette Dorfman,” FULL POINTS FOR USING HER FULL NAME, “Will you marry me?” And she says YES! Of COURSE! And then they kiss for what feels like seventeen hours because we hear at full volume every single smackey-smackey kiss they share. THAT IS ENOUGH OF THE KISSY SOUND. Maybe turn the mic packs down a touch?

Josh accepts the final rose amid another hurricane of kisses. They just keep saying I love you to each other and then kissing and Josh is the sweatiest monster of all sweat monsters. And they sit on the dock at watch the sun set.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote. Kind of. Some shit went down at the After the Final Rose ceremony that we’re going to need to discuss, but for now, this is where we’re at. I’ll be sharing some AFR thoughts later. Until then SO MANY KISSES AND HUGS to all you readers. Infinite thanks for making this such a fun thing to do. And I really hope you’ll watch Bachelor in Paradise with me. 

Henley Monday -

Well, it's that time of week again kids. Time again that we must pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and soldier through another five days of work. Time again, that we must bolster our strength and will to go on with the image of a beautiful man wearing a henley dancing through our heads.

So give it up for the Chan-Chan Man! His recently appointed title of People's Sexiest Man Alive was just the cherry on top of a banner year for Channing Tatum. He has evolved from a big, dumb, beautiful baboon to a big, charming, beautiful baboon before our very eyes. We applaud both your career and your fashion choices, Mr. Tatum. Well done!

Henley Monday - 

MONDAY indeed! It's certainly not the best of times over here, and I need all the strength and inspiration I can get to deal with just today. 

Enter this rugged man. He's just a man, we don't know who he is or what films he's been in. We can make up anything we want about him. I, for instance, have chosen to believe that he is a Welsh sailor looking off into the distance at his grand ship that takes him all over the world, but his heart is always wandering home. Isn't that nice? I think so.

What do you want his story to be? Day dream about it while the time tick-tocks away and you can be home once more.

Henley Monday -

As you've come to know and expect, on holiday weekends your weekly dosage of henley comes to you on Tuesday, the actual Monday of the week. I hope you all enjoyed Presidents Day as much as the furniture stores did and relished the long break from your monotonous work life.

I'm not sure about the weather where you're at, but today in Chicago it is positively frigid. While walking across the river this morning, the wind was so strong that it PUSHED ME. It physically PUSHED ME ASIDE. I was not pleased. I was not warm. My whole body was feeling the absolute absence of warmth.

David Beckham is the embodiment of heat, however. He is smoldering hot in the face and in the hair and in the body and in this henley. Look at that man in that henley! He would NEVER let me get so cold I couldn't feel my toes. Bless him.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

We are really in this thing now. It took a record few number of episodes to make me utterly bored by Chris and his antics, but we have so many, many ladies to observe in the most extreme circumstances that here I sit, red wine in hand, ready to go on this journey with and for all of you. Hooray for the Bachelor and fermented grapes.

This is the last week with Bachelor Mansion as home base as after (and during parts of) this episode Farmer Chris and his Herd of Lady Cattle will fly to such exotic locales as New Mexico and seemingly all of Southeast Asia. But before all that, Chris’s three sisters are in town and will be evaluating all the women in addition to selecting which lucky lady gets the one-one date this week. There are group dates aplenty, however, and Chrarrison drops off the first of the date cards.

Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey are on the date card that reads, “Let’s do what feels natural…”. All the women freak out that “natural” means no makeup or hair extensions. They still manage to get properly gussied up before taking off in two vintage Cadillac convertibles. They arrive at a beautiful lake for their party complete with paddle boards, floating rafts, and beach chairs.

Ashley I. tells us how she feels so shy around Chris and like she’s not being herself, so in search of a way to “break out of [her] shyness” she takes off her American flag bikini top and jumps into the lake. That’ll do it, Ash. Then Kaitlyn one-ups Ashley I. and takes off just her bottoms and jumps into the lake. She feels great about Chris having seen her “tush”.

I don’t, and neither does Kelsey. She (and I) don’t feel it’s appropriate or very cute to take pieces of your clothing off in front of the man you’re dating while in a group situation. But also, it’s the Bachelor.

“This is a date made for bimbos,” Kelsey exclaims. I know, I know, I know, Kelsey. Yes it’s crude and inappropriate but this is a show where one man is “dating” fifteen women at once and the beer flows like wine! It’s all one big moral grey area and unfortunately skinny dipping falls right in there because in the real world that’s tacky as hell but this is most decidedly not the real world and who’s to say those women DIDN’T do that just for their own fun and not for the exploitation of their bodies (I am. They definitely did it for the male gaze but my point stands.)

The three sisters arrive at the mansion to surprise the women and get to know them a little better. One of his sisters came all the way from her home in Ireland, and I’m interested in finding out how she rigged that sweet gig up for herself. The girls have to go rouse Jillian from her deep slumber in the pool. The Black Bar is back because the producers are like a dog with a bone with that damn thing. However, Jillian is duly embarrassed by her first impression on these “potential future in-laws.”

The Sisters Three pull Whitney aside for the first one-on-one chat. I don’t even need to watch to know she will pass with flying colors. She does. But they are asking intense questions they have prepared on a yellow legal pad. It is a lot like being before a tribunal. We see snippets from a few different interviews, but the soft and sweet music plays over Jade as she tells the sisters how she just launched her own organic makeup line and that she thinks relationships are all about compromise. Way to show us your hand, producers. That music obviously means Jade is getting the one-on-one.

Back at the lake, the group are playing red rover and Kelsey is not amused. She, being from Michigan, is unimpressed by the state of this muddy, “dingy pond” of a lake on which they find themselves.

“My face is getting skinnier because I spend all this time fake smiling trying to pretend to enjoy just this…hell hole,” she says, “There are moments when I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing it in my eye.” Seems super chill.

Chris then tells all the ladies how much fun he’s having with all of them in their bathing suits and that because it’s so much fun he doesn’t want to leave. And they won’t be leaving because they are camping overnight at the lake!

“This is dumb!” Kelsey whines, “I wanna be where I wanna be, and I don’t wanna be here!”

THEN GO HOME. But she doesn’t. She does get stung by a bee on her inner thigh though as further punishment.

Over at the campsite, we have some really fun stereotyping and gender roles playing out. The girls are tasked with assembling their own tents, and while some put them up with the greatest of ease, Mackenzie and Ashley I. giggle and struggle. Luckily, big man’s man Chris is around to help them merely read instructions and accomplish a basic task.

The hub-bub at the house is all about who will be picked for the one-on-one and how important it is to be chosen by his sisters. To be chosen by the Sisters Three for a one-on-one date would be the highest honor which one could have bestowed! Britt feels confident that it will be her because she feels she is the front-runner.

Imagine the look of shock on her face when Whitney reads the date card, “Jade, Your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening. From 8pm until the last stroke of midnight. Shh, it’s a secret. The prince doesn’t know you are coming.” Jade is over the moon excited and honored to be selected for this date.

Camping continues on the group date with the grilling of kabobs and hot dogs over the fire. Ashley I. managed to bring along and properly attach her fake eyelashes for this camping date. Hey girl, you do you and don’t compromise that but also? There’s a time and a place for falsies.

“We are the luckiest ladies in America,” someone offers from around the campfire.

“Really?” Kelsey replies. And Kaitlyn calls her out on it really quick. Kelsey explains that it’s a unique opportunity, but the girls are onto her. She is pouting hardcore but as soon as Chris comes back her face lights up with glee. Breaker, Breaker 1-9: we’ve got a faker! And the girls delight in explaining how fake Kelsey is and how on earth could Chris be attracted to someone so fake? All of this played over shots of Kelsey laughing this giant, strained laugh. Folks, we’ve got a villain a-brewing.

But while Kelsey is being put to the fire for being fake, Ashley S. is being her truest, best self. By that I mean she is hiccupping drunk and wide eyed with suspicion. Suspicious of what, you ask? Probably the fact that as she sings gibberish campfire songs from her home planet, Mackenzie asks if the other women believe in aliens. It’s all coming together. Someone is about to be abducted by Ashley S. There’s even a full moon to boot.

Kaitlyn tells a ghost story about Ashley S. “the sweetest and yet scariest” woman around. The women are mostly entertained by her brand of crazy because she’s sweet not terrifying. She is a little terrifying though as she repeatedly whispers, “What are you?” to Chris and then gazes at the moon. It’s amazing. I just treasure her. She rambles and rambles and tells Chris that she loves everything about him and hopes that resonates within his mind tonight.

Now it’s Ashley I.’s turn to parade her true self in front of Chris. She tells him that she has a crush on him. And how he makes her feel shy and then they suck face. And I mean SUCK. FACE. It’s not kissing or making out. It is face sucking. So gross, guys. We’ve got to put a full stop on the gross kissing happening here.

The date rose goes to Kaitlyn for always being herself and making Chris feel good. “I feel great. This is awesome. And I’m drunk,” Kaitlyn says of her big rose win. Ashley I. is rattled by this and feels there is no way that Chris knows the real her. So, fueled by her virginity and alcohol, Ashely I. sets off to tell Chris that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend.

To accomplish this task, she must leave her tent and travel to a sleeping Chris’s tent. This should go over very well.

“Basically, so far, I feel like I’ve been portrayed different from how I really am…I’m freakin’ innocent. I’ve never had a real boyfriend before,” she tells him inside his luxury tent.

“The moment I met you, I got the vibe that you were a smart, well-rounded girl,” says Chris groggily.

She blathers on a bunch more about how she’s a nerd inside and “inexperienced in every way possible”. He was pretty sleepy and said he “thinks” he “gets” her. I don’t think he does. And she doesn’t explicitly say that she’s a virgin. She just repeats, “I just want to make sure you got me.” He says yes to her immediately so that they can start making out, but tells cameras that he had no idea what she was really trying to say to him. Chris is both smart and a great guy. Two thumbs WAY UP.

That date is finally over, and it’s time for everyone to reunite at the mansion. The group date gals are told in great detail what happened when the Sisters Three came to visit. Jillian tells everyone about how Jade got her fancy date card/invitation to the royal ball, and Ashley I. seethes. She is very upset that she does not get to go on a date where she can dress up and act like a princess.

But this is so wonderful for Jade! A full team of stylists, helmed by a real-life Effie Trinket complete with funny accent and pink curly hair, invade the house to give her a full princess transformation. They made one of the rooms in the mansion into a princess suite with jewels and beautiful gowns and hair and makeup artists. Nadia with her pink hair is flitting about styling and perfecting Jade’s look. The other women watch on in amazement and awe, while Ashley I. pouts and whines and makes it all about her.

Nadia helps her find a gorgeous patterned ball gown with her very own Louboutin glass slippers that she gets to keep. She also gets to keep the NEIL LANE diamond earrings Nadia put on her. This is of course an elaborate plug for the new Disney Cinderella movie that’s coming out in March. Nadia forces Jade to look at some images from the movie so she understands her inspiration. Haha, yes. This was all Nadia’s idea. I don’t blame you Nadia, you’re perfect. Never change.

When Jade emerges fully made-up, she looks lovely. So stunning but classy, and the girls ooh and ahh but at the same time are envious of this date. Jade is whisked away in a perfectly white Rolls Royce to her Royal date. Chris positively beams when he sees Jade descend the grand staircase to greet him.

They are “eating” dinner in a hotel lobby? It’s a nice hotel lobby to be sure, but nonetheless, just a big, vast marble space. They have their typical Bachelor chat about past relationships (both have been engaged before).

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Ashley I. is going bananas. She put on a sparkly dress that she brought specifically for a princess themed date. The other women are laughing in her face for being so dramatic and ridiculous, so Ashley leaves their presence to sit upon a couch made of leather and nibble on an ear of corn as all dejected princesses sometimes do. Get over it, Ashley I. Eat some more corn.

The real Cinderella date is going quite well. Chris gives Jade the rose easy-peasy, and then takes her to see one more surprise. They walk into a small ballroom containing a full orchestra. They dance on a platform and actually do a fair job at the waltz. It’s the kind of fairytale, beautiful, romantic date this show used to be all about. This is what I came to see people! Lovin’ it! These two boring simples being all dressed up! Like candy for me.

We’re already at the final group date for the week. Joining Farmer Chris are Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca whose date card reads, “Let’s get dirty!” Then Carly, who read the card, shares that there were also boxes delivered with the card. The boxes contain wedding dresses. Joy of joys. They make themselves beautiful, put on the dresses, then climb into a stretch limo for the date.

I do not like where this is going one little bit.

The ladies get onto a private jet and while most are excited, Jillian feels very out of her element in a wedding dress. They meet Chris when they land in San Francisco, and are then driven to a tough mudder course. No, no, no. So, they are doing this muck-fest under the guise of raising awareness for MS. I guess that’s fine. The race will determine who gets a one-on-one date with Chris and the rest of the women will go home immediately. So that sucks even more. Chris’s only redeeming quality is that he does the whole race with them so they aren’t just getting disgusting alone to compete for his approval.

It is no surprise that Jillian pulls ahead and completely dominates the course.

Carly is laughing during her whole interview because she performed so poorly that she just gave up. Carly is actually growing on me, despite her terrible eyebrows.

“Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo…Are her muscles bigger than Chris’s? Is her d**k bigger than Chris’s?” she giggles. See? Carly can stay.

Jillian is pumped that she gets her one-on-one date in San Francisco. They are dining on the rooftop of the historic Fairmont Hotel on San Francisco’s Knob Hill. Chris mumbles about how Jillian is one of his top three gals as far as being cute, fun, and outgoing. I don’t hate Jillian. I just don’t love her brand of intensity and the obsession with working out. I disagree that it’s an inherently masculine quality to be into working out, but I don’t think that “the gym” does an entire personality make.

And to display her intensity, Jillian talks during the lion’s share of the date. “During Jillian’s talking, I’m getting kind of confused because her words are coming out faster than I can process,” Chris says. Oh, sweetie. It’s ok. We’ll get you through this.

“Occaisionally, as Jillian’s words float over my head, I think of unicorns and dancing fairies…It’s quite beautiful,” Chris says. It’d be a whole lot funnier if I didn’t think he meant it. But Chris is honest that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with Jillian and that the romance of their conversation, or lack thereof, does not match their romantic surroundings.

Cue Jillian asking, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl and you don’t know what she has, like this bitch is talking to her reflection, like she’s crazy: bird in her hair, the whole nine, or abstain from sex for five years?”

I JUST CANNOT. First of all, “would you rather” questions are for people who aren’t interesting enough to have conversations without creating some contrived device. Secondly, that question is inappropriate on so many levels, and it’s offensive. Chris just silently shakes his head in response. Jillian thinks the date is going well, but Chris picks up the rose. He explains that while she’s fun and beautiful, he just doesn’t feel the chemistry. He feels that their goals just don’t match.

Jillian interrupts to say that this setting doesn’t make her feel the most comfortable. Oh, honey, respect yourself enough to not play the desperation game. She doesn’t take it well. She cries and gets flustered. I would cry getting rejected on national television too. That’s fair. But it was time for Jillian to go, and I’m glad Chris had the balls to cut her loose.

This episode, for lack of anything actually happening, has felt like an eternity. It is now rounding third and about to come in for the run though, as we are at the cocktail party. Chris starts the party with one of his token horrible speeches about how Jillian went home because he takes this process very seriously.

Megan takes this seriously too, which is why she blindfolds Chris and brings out some fruit and chocolate fondue. Just f***ing why? This is not sexy or cool or fun. Why? Chris loved it! “I thought that was a great game! What do you call that game?” he asks Megan after the whole fruit plate has been sampled. Megan is as sweet as she is simple and is therefore a wonderful match for Chris. This whole season can be tied up in a neat little bow with the word “simple”.

Right on cue, Ashley I. arrives to make it clear to Chris, once and for all, that she is A VIRGIN. SHE’S A VIRGIN AND ALMOST PROUD! ASHLEY I. IS A VIRGIN AND EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES AND ITS TERRITORIES AND ANYONE WHO ILLEGALLY STREAMS THIS SHOW INTERNATIONALLY (SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIENDS IN AUSTRALIA) KNOWS IT! She’s wearing the same sparkly dress from when she threw a fit over the Cinderella date. They start the conversation by pussy-footing around the topic one more time, and then she finally comes out and says the words “I’m a virgin.”

Chris accepts it as well as one could. He says he respects it and thinks it’s a good thing all while she’s still word vomiting about what that all means.

“If anything, I respect her more,” Chris tells us. Sure, whatever. It’s 2015. People can be virgins or have a lot of sex with men or women or both or neither. For the love of everything, can we move on? We can’t. Ashely I. is freaking out that for the first time ever he didn’t kiss her.

“Well it’s because he wants to respect you,” explains Mackenzie.

“I don’t want him to respect me that much!” Ashely exclaims. To which, I just can’t. That is the essence of this show in one sentence. Good LORD. She’s crying so much and Mackenzie is over the dramatics. Mackenzie, whose hair looks great tonight. Someone took pity on her. Ashley continues with the pyrotechnics and then tells everyone around her the big secret that she’s a virgin and two things happen.

One is that Carly is shocked to hear this because, she says, “I’ve seen her making out with Chris like thirteen-thousand times. Her mouth is not a virgin.” Which is amazing and so far the quote of the season. Her mouth is not a virgin. THAT’S INCREDIBLE. WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? IT’S GREAT IS WHAT IT IS.

Two is that Becca quietly replies, “I am too.” So Becca is virgin number two in the Bachelor mansion which causes Kaitlyn to flip her lid because she can’t fathom that. It makes me very intrigued by the beautiful Becca who has been very quiet about that whole thing. I like this Becca girl who plays her cards close to the vest.

On to Britt: Britt, who is at an Ariana Grande ratio of body to hair, is “grumpy” because she hasn’t talked to Chris in a week. She decides to confront Chris about where they stand emotionally and also about where he’s at with other girls there. Specifically, she mentions that she heard that Kaitlyn took off her clothes on the group date and was then given a rose.

“I just wanna know why those actions are being validated,” Britt says to Chris.

He pauses for a moment to form some thoughts in that big ole noggin of his before replying with these beautiful words: “That wasn’t why I gave her a rose, and like…I guess uh, that I see two sides like Kaitlyn has a lot of different facets that are not and I don’t those aren’t, I see the Kaitlyn that just you know what I mean? I mean obviously, I mean if you like her or dislike her or I, I don’t see, I don’t look at Kaitlyn like being some really and I’m not rewarding inappropriate behavior. You know? And I’m not giving roses to you know and maybe you’re viewing as that. Um.”

I know what you’re thinking. Cassie did you fall asleep for parts of that speech and leave out key words? Cassie, have you had so much wine that you typed nonsense and sent it right to publication? Cassie, did you have a stroke?

No. No. No. No to all of those questions. That is an actual transcription of Chris’s reply to being put on the spot as to why a girl who took her bathing suit bottoms off at the lake was given a rose.

Chris gets up abruptly from their chat, and then as he makes his speech before the rose ceremony he gives an ultimatum that if anyone questions his intentions and motives for being there, they can just leave. This freaks the girls out, but obviously nothing happens.

Rose time:

Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (WHO?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Ashely I., and last of all is Britt. This means Juelia, Nikki, and our dear, dear Ashley S. are going home. I will miss her and all her beautiful white winged dove ways. Ashely S. is a treasure that only comes along once in a millennium. Fly free to your home planet Ashley S. and take care on the intergalactic highways!

Chris takes a kind moment to say goodbye to Juelia because he admires her and respects her so much as a person. He tells her she’s a beautiful person both inside and out, and she is. The other women are shaken up by her leaving too.

And then the episode ends abruptly! Bye, guys! We’ll be in Santa Fe next week, and I can’t wait to see you there! It looks like Kelsey has a panic attack in a bathroom which is exciting because maybe something will finally happen on this show! Hooray! Love you all! @Chasspod on twitter and the Ask is always open! Exclamation points!!!

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

Henley Monday -

Welcome to Henley Monday where every Monday I post a picture of a guy looking really, really attractive while wearing a henley shirt, be it thermal, cotton, linen, short-sleeved, of the sweater variety or whatever the geniuses in menswear have thought up.

This week it's repeat offender Aaron Tveit in this promotion shot for his new USA show "Graceland" and who you might also recognize as dear Enjolras from Les Mis. The monochromatic blue tones are mesmerizing and the architecture of his hair is astonishing. I would very much like to cuddle up next to that henley-clad body on any a moon-lit ocean-view night.

The Bachelor - The Final Rose Recap

It’s finally here everybody. Our long national nightmare is coming to an end. The Vile Beast of a man, Juan Pablo, is going to make his final decision and give out a final rose. Or will he? Or, will he give the rose and be rejected? I hope so. I hope Juan Pablo ends up cold and alone to fully ruminate on his horrible behavior and how it got him NOTHING. But let’s not put the cart before the horse.

Open to Chris Harrison standing on his victory dais in the middle of the studio audience filled with single ladies and matronly moms, as well as a few Bachelor Family all-stars. He promises us that Juan Pablo has a big surprise planned, and that we will get answers to many of the burning questions we’ve had all season like IS JUAN PABLO THE WORST DUDE, OR THE WORST DUDE?

The first third of the episode is dedicated to the ladies meeting and being interviewed by Juan Pablo’s family. The whole clan of Galavis’ are there: mom, dad, brother Rodrigo, sister Anita (from Venezuela!), with his niece, and cousin Rodolfo and his clear braces. Clare has the first family day, and is, of course, all smiles and excitement.

“Today, I’m gonna keep an eye on Clare to see how she interacts, and I’m gonna see how she is with my family,” Juan Pablo explains. Sounds cool and possessive. Clare comes in and everyone is just lovely, and Camila is being freaking adorable. Clare cannot handle how wonderful it is to see Juan Pablo with his daughter. She says it makes him even sexier to see him being a good dad.

When asked about kids and family, Clare is giving all the appropriate answers that she wants a big family. She’s charming and bubbly. Her time talking to his mother is sweet. She seems lovely. But she does warn Clare, “He sometimes is very rude…his honesty but he says the things very rude.” They bond over the fact that he has made both of them cry! DELIGHTFUL AND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!

Rodolfo and his clear braces are very intense in their questioning. He right away asks if she is in love and she says she’s “definitely falling in love with him.” Then he says that when things get rough, Juan Pablo likes to walk away, but can Clare have the strength to hold on?  She says that the one thing she is sure of is how much she loves. And I like that answer, but I don’t like the question. Maybe Juan Pablo should work on fighting to keep a relationship instead of walking away when things get rough?

His dad is an absolute DOLL. He is so warm and welcoming to Clare. He calls her a mature, secure, wonderful woman and that he loves her already. Clare says he’s a gentleman and can see where Juan Pablo gets it. I say, how can his dad be such a kind, warm gentleman and Juan Pablo such a narcissistic dick hole?

Back in the live studio audience, Chris Harrison promises this to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history…I never use that word”. Chris Harrison is becoming sentient. When he asks the audience if they think it’s going to be Clare there is a slow smattering of applause, but for Nikki there is a dull roar.

But here comes Nikki’s family “date”! Cousin Rodolfo is very excited to meet her, but why aren’t we talking more to hot brother Rodrigo? Hot brother Rodrigo has more of the tall, dark, and handsome Latin look. More Rodrigo, por favor!

Nikki sits down with his dad. She has all the right answers about wanting a family, but then Dad warns her, “You know, he’s not an easy guy. It’s always what he wants…he thinks he knows the truth of everything. Everything!” And THAT is accurate. What has frustrated me so much about Juan Pablo is that he has never once admitted fault in any sense, for anything. He has never apologized or acknowledged that maybe he messed up, only placed blame because to him that’s the truth. It’s infuriating for someone to never be vulnerable enough to admit to fault.

With his mother, Nikki and she discuss what a weekend might look like with JP and Camila. She says he’s a very simple, normal guy, and asks if that’s really what Nikki wants. “Juan Pablo is not easy, but she’s very strong. If he asks her, I think she’s going to say yes,” his mom tells us.

Rodolfo and his braces are taking this way too seriously. You are just cousin Rodolfo! ¡Relájate! He once again brings up that when things get rough Juan Pablo tends to walk away. Red flags! So many red flags all over the place! His whole family has told both women how challenging Juan Pablo can be! HIS OWN FAMILY IS THROWING HIM UNDER THE BUS.

But Nikki feels more confident than ever that Juan Pablo is the guy for her and that he will be down on one knee in just a few days. She’s so excited for it. Dummy.

Before we get to the final dates for each woman, we have a chat with the live studio audience for their thoughts. Normally I hate this blatant running out the clock, but in this case, I want to hear how everyone is feeling about JP. Not great it turns out. The first woman stands up and just says, “This is going south real fast. This is gonna end bad. The family warned both of the gals against him, and they were like ‘it’s ok’ but it’s not ok!” And Chrarrison GIGGLES. He straight up GIGGLES “ees not okay!”

Then we talk to a dude to get his perspective; he’s Team Nikki. His wife thinks it’s hard to get a read on Juan Pablo. The third woman also feels it’s strange that his family warned the women about him being difficult. So now we get to the Bach Fam! I love them. Arie is there! But we go straight to Kelly because she’s the smartest and best. She repeats the same thing about the red flags being everywhere and both women ignoring them.

Catherine, wife of Sean, sheds light onto the tendency of women to ignore any warnings or red flags for the sake of wanting a relationship to work out so badly. It’s true. That woman is so wise.

In keeping with order, Clare has her last full day date with Juan Pablo first. The producers have decided to bless us with the helicopter ride we have been so greatly missing. They are both over the moon excited to be together and spend quality time. The helicopter takes off and the music soars! It’s beautiful! It’s extremely romantic to Clare!

Disaster strikes quickly though. And disaster is no exaggeration.

“So as the helicopter’s landing, we have a rare moment together no cameras, no microphones, just us and the pilot. And Juan Pablo leans over and whispers something to me. What I thought was going to be kind, sweet nothings was not what came out of his mouth. And I’m just shocked,” Clare explains. She then goes on, “He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he really doesn’t know me, and some sexual thing I don’t even want to repeat. It was insulting. It was offensive, and it just made me feel awful.”

All this is voiced over as JP practically drags Clare up a small hill to overlook the sea. She is so turned off. And now she’s angry and confused. “If he can’t tell me that he knows me well, or that there’s something more than a physical connection, then I’m outta here,” is the ultimatum Clare gives. And it’s a fair one. If a guy I had genuine feelings for said “I don’t know you very well, but I sure love f***ing you,” I would punch him once in the teeth, twice in the balls, walk away and never look back.

So tonight, as they meet for the final time, Clare is going to confront him. He arrives and she tells him to come on in. But he waits at the front door to pout like a child and ask for a “besito”. No, Juan. No besitos for you. The live audience claps as she continues to deny the requests for a besito.

So the confrontation begins. She says that he could have said anything in the world to her at that moment, but he chose to do something else. “What did I say? Remind me,” he says because Juan Pablo has the memory of a goldfish and can’t even keep track of the horrible vulgarities he’s put upon the women in his life. Clare goes on that she is worried he said that she doesn’t really know him, and that he doesn’t really know her. “Oh so that’s why you didn’t give me a besito?” he condescendingly asks. I’ll kill him.

Basically, when she is telling him that she wants much more out of life than a physical relationship, he tells her that her feelings aren’t valid because he was being what? Honest! He could sit there and lie to her, but in that moment “boom” he was honest. “What I know of you, I like. But there’s probably parts of you that I don’t know that I don’t like. I don’t know”. The reaction faces in the studio audience are mostly raised eyebrows and stank-glare. Clare threatens to leave again because she has much more to offer a relationship than something physical. Amen, Clare! Stand up for yourself!

“To me the no kissing is the best rule you have ever given me, but you’re the one who broke the rule in South Korea so don’t blame it on me,” he “jokes”. She defends herself and he’s like “I’m just kidding” AND I WANT TO CASTRATE HIM. DON’T YOU DARE SLUT SHAME HER MORE. DON’T YOU BLAME HER FOR ANYTHING YOU HUMAN GARBAGE SACK.

Then something weird happens. He tells her that he’s thinking about his daughter and weighing this decision heavily and blah, blah, blah. So she tells him that those are the kinds of things she wants to hear. What things? Empty platitudes? He explains that she’s so special to him because she met his family…just like Nikki. He talks about the future and having babies with her and moving to Sacramento. And he wins her back over. They snuggle up like deranged kittens. Clare now cries because she feels sure of what he told her. Juan Pablo plays that song by Josh Krajick that they heard on their first date. They kiss a lot. Fool.

The studio audience does not approve. The Bach Fam is disapproving especially. We talk to Sharleen who said it was hard to watch a woman ignore her intuition and be won over by someone being “quite patronizing, frankly”. Sean Lowe agrees “it was painful to watch” and was disappointed that Juan Pablo was talking in circles around her rather than shooting her straight.

Nikki is spending her final date on a catamaran with Juan Pablo to snuggle and sun bathe and swim. They talk about a lot of nothing. When Nikki tells him that sometimes he seems a little guarded, he says no. NO, of course you aren’t, you’re perfect and everyone else is wrong and stupid and you are the most amazing man ever to walk on Earth. EAT GLASS, JUAN PABLO.

At night they spend some time in Nikki’s suite as is custom. She just wants him to tell her that he loves her. She has said “I love you” to him and just wants to hear it back. Nikki expresses to him that she’s worried about things and is thinking a lot. He tells her, “It is what it is.” I would like to find the person who taught him the phrase “it is what it is” and inflict a deep punishment upon them. Bamboo shoots under the fingernails? Water boarding? They deserve pain.

Nikki presents Juan Pablo with a framed picture of them riding horses from the week before. She also presents him with a card saying she’s so grateful for the experience and that she loves him. In return he plants the slowest, weirdest, most fish-lipped kiss on her forehead. I want to die.

As JP leaves for the night and kisses her a few more times, Nikki already begins to cry. And she cries even harder after he leaves because she’s so scared about it all being over and not knowing how he truly feels.

The time is upon us! The final decision will shortly be made known! Juan Pablo is in a suit. The women are putting on beautiful dresses! BUT WHERE IS NEIL LANE?! MY FAVORITE LEATHER SHOE OF A MAN IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! The women voice over how excited and ready they are, but I’m still sad about everybody’s favorite Alien Lizard King and Jeweler not being seen.

The women arrive by boat, not unlike D-day and the beaches of Normandy. But who will arrive first and face certain heartbreak? Why, it’s Clare. Oh no. It’s Clare. This poor woman. As much as she is not my favorite person, I don’t actively wish her unhappiness, especially after what she has put up with from this total scumbag.

She arrives at the final podium with Juan Pablo. There are pregnant pauses as they both say how nervous they are. Clare gives a big speech about how through all the doubts and questions, she believes in the something special they have together.

Then he tells her how they’ve had their ups and downs and that she’s there because he wants her to be there. And as he’s talking, you can see her realizing what is happening. “I wish the Earth sucked me in today because this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made,” he says. And then he says that he “has to say good-bye” and goes in for a hug.

And she puts up both her hands to stop that and push him away. Because YES. She tells him off for not telling her two nights ago when he had the chance that he had doubts or couldn’t see it.His facial expression is so combative and defensive like Clare is the bad guy here.

“I’ve saved this moment for the man of my dreams, and I thought that was you,” she spits to him, pointing a finger at his chest, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were. Sharleen didn’t have the feelings for you. It wasn’t there. Andi did the same thing. You had every opportunity to tell me like those other girls did.”

“Do you know how I feel?” he retorts, “Do you know when my decision was made?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. I lost respect for you,” fumes Clare. And she starts to walk away, but just off the platform, she turns and she points her finger at him and says, “After what you just put me through, I would never want my kids to have a father like you.” And she DROPS THE MIC, AND WALKS AWAY. YOU GET THE LAST WORD CLARE. HOW FUN WAS THAT? YOU RULE. SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU.

Juan Pablo says, “Ok,” to her, then, “Hoo! I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” What an absolute child.

She continues to be a strong-ass woman to camera that a real man wouldn’t have done what he did. “Don’t tell me you love f***ing me! Don’t tell me you can see yourself in Sacramento! Just don’t say anything. Don’t. Say. Anything,” she hiccups through tears to us. “Where’s the man that makes me feel like I’m worth it? That would fight for me?”

I mean at this point, does Nikki understand that she is losing by winning Juan Pablo? You couldn’t pay me millions of dollars to be with that man. I’m sure he’s a more multi-dimensional person than the show necessarily allows us to see, but at the end of the day, this man said “I love f***ing you” to a woman he claimed to respect. And then got upset with her for thinking that’s unacceptable. And then rejected her. And that’s the mark of a disgusting and filthy soul.

Oh hooray, here comes Nikki. I’m so excited for her. She does look stunning though. Her royal indigo dress is stunning and her butt looks terrific. Nikki is so positive that he’s going to be proposing, and can’t wait to tell her mom that she’s engaged.

After her speech to him about how much she admires him and loves him. Juan Pablo tells her that he loves so many things

about her, foremost is how honest she is, just like him. HA HA HA. “It’s like a perfect time whenever I’m with you, especially your hometown. It made me think of your dad,” he says. He goes on to explain that her dad told him to be 100% sure when he proposes that it’s forever, and he’s not 100% sure that he wants to propose. But he IS 100% that he doesn’t want to let her go. “I like you a lot, a lot. So Nikki, will you accept my final rose?” he asks.

And she says, “Absolutely!” CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THIS IS UN-F***ING-BELIEVABLE. “I LIKE YOU A LOT”????????????? THAT’S ALL IT TAKES? NO. NO. I’M SORRY. WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM FOR WEEKS AND THEY RESPOND WITH “I LIKE YOU A LOT” YOU CRY FOREVER AND DUMP THEM SOONER RATHER THAN LATER BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SCALES TIPPED SO UNEVENLY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

And then show ends. Just like that. And in the past, I’ve never recapped the “After the Final Rose” Sepcial. But guess what? I have to. THAT’S RIGHT. Immediately following this post will be the “After the Final Rose” recap because there is MUCH we need to continue to discuss. 

It’ll be in a separate post. See you there in a jiffy!