Now I Know Everything I Thought Wasn't Real Really Isn't Real. I've Been Having Delusions For Years.

bpd culture is binge eating bc u subconsciously hope its gonna fill the emptiness, u know it wont but ur desperate

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Banana Yoshimoto, Kitchen

Schizophrenic people aren't evil!

We cannot help who we are. We experience a lot of horrifying things, and sometimes react in ways people don't understand. We don't always have control over our own actions. It isn't our fault.

I ripped out years of trauma and pain then acted out and left everyone and everything while having mental health crises I can't even remember happening and at the end I don't find myself suicidal anymore. Just dealing with repressed anger and deep loneliness and PTSD and also regret for putting my feelings on others or trying to be friends with old friends or find a way to restore lost relationships. It's left me feeling estranged and like nobody is out there that can understand my POV. I never thought I would be alone without friends or unable to live on my own. Or that my abandonment issues would lead me down this road completely. I never thought I would fuck up so badly without meaning to to the point where I just feel like I would cause people guilt by association. But I've always felt like a burden. It was how I was raised and treated and still am to this day. Every day I deal with feeling inadequate in every capacity. I wish there was some sort of reprieve and I had a friend left. But most of all I miss my reputation. Schizophrenia is an all encompassing illness and it really ruins things for you. Ontop of that I feel like I most likely have undiagnosed borderline or bipolar even though I don't relate to cluster b personality types from everything I've read. But then there's times I don't think or even feel anything at all.

If only I could go back in time and get a redo.

A brief moment of rationality from the bird place.

i wish you kinder, softer days that put your heart at ease

You're valid if you're upset that other people were shocked by your trauma when you disclosed it and you felt like there wasn't room for your own feelings. You're valid if you're upset that other people weren't shocked enough and feel like maybe it means your trauma wasn't that bad (spoiler: it was).

Having delusions today. I won't let them win.