Tiramisu

Holiday Swirl

I’m so horrible, bad luck doesn’t want a part of me

The crows fly away with the sight of me,

Inscribed in their retinas

I have my own invisible scarlet letter

“S” is the letter

My name…

Blades of grass spear through my shadow

So long ago that girl of a shadow

My 5 o'clock shadow of words

Maybe my writing phase is over

I can’t wake up from a dream when it’s already over

Maybe my blue pen is done kissing the paper

If you were the paper and I was the pen, you’d think I was trying to murder you

I don’t know me, without you

Sometimes I miss my ink

I’m scared my drugs are going to be discontinued

I’m scared my happiness has been discontinued

I used it all up in attempt to hang onto it

Flowers blossoming beautifully to their death

Everything living to its death

Birds singing the song the reaper himself wrote

Words tattooed to my face,

My award losing poker face

Why can’t you see the sadness in my bright eyes?

My depression is the light

Everyone’s happiness is the light

People keep dragging me there

They think they’re helping

Don’t ask me what is helping

Always asking the awful reverse

They think they know what’s best

No one knows best

No not even me

If only they would listen-

And yet, too intently is not how to listen

They never do

Shadow Girl

Broken,

No one knows

No one cares

No one can see my depressed shadow

But that shadow is mine and it’s the other half of me

It is taking over

My hallow, dark inside, body makes a shadow

Please stop walking on my shadow and thinking nothing of it

You think stomping on it is funny

But you don’t realize that, that is me

I want to put a cast on my broken shadow but I can’t because it moves with me and is always behind me

You fall for the fake smiles and laughs in the front but you forget to look in the back

If anyone really did love me they would look in the back and try to control it

They would try their best to stop and conquer it

The sun only brings out my shadow more

I hate the sun

I like rainy dark days

I like the feeling but I hate it at the same time

Wild

Feelings seize

Behind my poker resting face

Thoughts radiating out of my pores

The moon attempts to pull my tears out

As they want to go back home

To the ocean

Instead this werewolf

Howls at the moon

Wanting to slaughter innocent sheep

A fierce

Beast

Yet skittish at the sight of any possible danger

Feeling the wild

Clashing around

Dragging its claws around the inside of me in protest

All the while the sheep

Have grown parasitic teeth

And now they are the wolves Blank eyes

Of a barbarian

Willing to do anything to survive

In the worst of moments

The the savage has been suppressed

With the good old remedy of lack of sleep

K-12

All I have learned how to do is study

And memorize

And cram

With a heavy head, how am I expected to take to the skies?

I know nothing about survival

Unless grabbing the newest textbook counts

I know that it doesn’t

I guess they have failed to brainwash me completely

But I do know how to wake up and eat

Then study

Go to sleep

And repeat

Never fully knowing what the outside world is like

Never slipping out of reach

Never learning the things that will actually help me

Always shoving me down

Never letting me wonder what if

Never showing me why

But commanding me this way

And that

That’s for the authority

And the sentence

That I committed no crime for

It was quite unneeded

Trying to get me to conform

By using peer pressure

Then when its useful for you to say the opposite,

You say that we shouldn’t follow others and do as you say

Making me feel so, so little

While telling me to be an adult

Then telling me that I’m not an adult

And when I am one I will never be ready

I can't believe I am finally free

From this tortuous prison

That I used to feel embarrassed to be a part of k-12

But now I am done with k-12

So bye motherfuckers

I ain’t coming back

And I ain’t gonna be looking back

Because most of the faculty, staff, administration, and board members made me feel like shit

Believe it or not

But

School was made for kids

So stop trying to take over and ruin our lives

Pages

I don’t know what love is

I just can’t wrap my head around it

Like the size of the universe

Love makes people do crazy things, but it just usually makes me curse

How could you not lose hope and keep lining up shells?

Because of love

I am third wheeling it

And it’s lonely

But not for the lovers, only

They are unconsciously awake

Let’s travel

And get a plane ticket

To a place where our hearts don’t feel heavy with atmosphere

Dear,

Let’s start again

Even if I feel like a spring…

Stressed out

Is how I work

Otherwise

I just sit on my ass instead of taking to the skies

I need to get away to any other place

A new reality where I will not be a sad tragedy

But will have a happily ever after

Filled with much laughter

Because any other place has got to be better  

I currently live in a deep cave of a library, that’s full of empty dreams

I stare at the ceiling as I scream with laryngitis

And I feel the shelves towering over me, all around

I'm a story that someone forgot to put down

And I just want to be put on the shelf

Sometimes it seems like I can see the most clearly when I am blinded by tears

Because that’s when I'm not avoiding my feelings

It’s like I am able to see the lopsided way the world moves

The inner working grooves

That are so complicatingly simple

I wonder not when, but if the pieces will ever fall together

Being the mismatching misfit that I am

I don’t know if I am a puzzle that can be put together; maybe I was made wrong

All along,

A factory mishap

I want you to hold me as close as pages of a book that are bound to the spine

Because maybe

You could force and weld pieces of me together and get readjusted

As I fall apart and become more rusted

Like the tin man  

I have a heart

I just don’t like to let on to that,

It’s actually not stone cold at all

It’s quite the opposite

It’s all mushy and squishy

Camp Sloane

It felt like I started a new life

A good one

A happy one It was a life full of new people

And new experiences

That were better than ever before A life without popularity

A life built of trust

And support A new home

In tents and out of town

With a better view of the lovely stars Now I'm back in my town

Back to the same life

Back to the same person Back inside

Where the breeze does not blow

And where the sky is not as beautiful Back inside

Where there aren't any waterfalls

And yet I find my feet in the same shoes

Paranoia

I'm not clean

I'm rusted

I'm so close to being busted

‘bout time I did

Did I really think I could make it,

Without falling into that pit?

Mount my head to the wall

Like I am a piece of art

And nothing more than a fart

Parading into my storm

In your way trying to make me happy

It’s leaving me feeling crappy

Ask me again

What it’s like to feel,

The spin of this lopsided wheel

Rationally shrugging

Give me away, Kenzie

Then I’ll call it more of a frenzy

A secret

If you're accepting, I don’t care if you know

I'm notorious for my one none existent greeting

Not to mention the fact

That I might not be what you think

With my virtual paper and ink

Out with failure being my success

In predicting my life, I didn’t really see this

With octopus camouflage, it’s hit or miss

Imagine me as you did before

To go and fix it back

Next time when I'm unable to, I’ll pick up my own heavy slack

Dead on the inside

I'm rotting, in my worn out shell

I think this just turned back into hell

This Place Is Whole

This place is whole

There are no sink holes to worry about

There’s a whole lot of good

And a whole lot of bad

A whole lot of heartache

And a whole lot of love to heal in

I'm whole in my imperfectness

And I'm whole in all of my mistakes

I will try to always be my whole self

There’s a whole lot of Eddie

And if he ever has a football, I will always be ready,

With a whole lot of this

And a whole lot of that

A whole place

To just be

To just exist

And be okay with just that

Please don't leave

I tell you not to

But I can’t truly stop you

I hope you realize that I'm trying

I'm not lying

I want to teach you how to fight

With all your might

Don’t let the inside voices take over

You’re my four leaf clover

You can do this

Sorry my advice might be amiss

You are strong

No I'm not wrong

I can see it in you

This you can get through

I'm always here

You are going to have to face the mirror

That I know you hate

You might want to pay more attention to your gait

You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at the way they walk

Don’t let those voices talk

Duck tape

Just anything so you can escape

You I believe in

You have my special mocking jay pin

Trust me I know what it’s like

That long, lonely, dark hike

I'm having my own problems too

I've got you

Please don’t leave

When you do I greave

How I want to save you, Kim

But I'm just too weak to go out on that extra shaky limb

I believe that, that battle is yours

You'll find the other doors

People all say that we’re safe and sound

But our little worlds go round and round

Don’t leave like that

Because then I can’t tell you to look out for that black cat

After that I'm no use

I can’t slip you out of that noose

Just don’t leave

Then there’s nothing to achieve

You are important

At the moment we’re just dormant

But we will someday come alive

Just give it five

Five what? you may ask

Life is sometimes a hard task

But you have me

If you would just believe

Take the leap

Have faith that it isn’t so deep

I beg you just please don’t leave

Journaling

I leave my journal laying open at night, hoping that the words will fly off the page

And drift out the window into the night air

And dance around the moon

I should start dreaming soon

Too many bugs flying around my world

You wouldn’t want forever

People change

And you’ve never seen my rage

I miss your calming

Smooth

Sing-song voice

You left me no choice

But to trust

And live in the exhilarating moment

And taught me that you don’t have to chase

Or try to erase

Moments

Of happiness and sadness

The magic is already there

Sparking in the air

Getting stuck in your crazy hair

That I miss more than you'd ever know

I'm stuck in negative time

While forgetting how to rhyme

Where are my feelings?

Behind my eyes

Sharp

Hidden under the weathered tarp

One day I will finish writing my story

And I’ll let the words swarm you like a tornado of bees

Or a meteor shower

A universe with all the power