Vidasubliminal - Weinen

You walked the dark halls.

You've walked them, many times before.

This time, like the others, never failed to dig a grave pit in your stomach. Something grim lie in these walls. Clawing at the drywall. The floorboards moaned and creeked under your feet, like they were calling out in pain every drag your foot took across them.

You stop at the end, it felt like an eternity to get here. At the large rusted and silver mirror. The one you knew well. The one that played tricks well. Gazing into it, you see yourself, but only for a bit. It doesn't take long for your face to droop, to warp. Your eyes becoming hollow shells of darkness, and your mouth low, too low. Your limbs have stretched and cracked. You feel them in you, ripping at the muscle, tearing at your nerves. And it should hurt but it doesn't. It doesn't hurt a bit. Because you know.

This was not you.

Constant comparing and contrasting it's like every stranger I meet I look for you maybe they have the same colored eyes or a similar sounding voice and suddenly I'm in love until I remeber it's not you and again I'm in the back of the classroom and I know I'm not crazy the way you laughed and told jokes in my ear and we never paid attention to the teachers and you borrowed my pen and wore my braclets and smelt of my perfume and suddenly I'm back in my room and I know I'm not crazy the way you'd tell me what you like and what you want to do and suddenly I am crazy and we don't talk and you are a stranger the one I'm looking for you in and I don't know you at all

She placebo on my effect til I feel like something happened

I'm not made to sit at my desk and listen to someone else drawl on and on about something for 45 minutes

I'm not meant to sit in a room with 200 other kids and be forced to go back to our separate classrooms after 30 minutes of eating mystery food

I'm not meant to be forced to toss a football back and forth or run a track

I'm meant to read and write and sit in tree houses and wander in fields

I'm meant to wear flower crowns and eat berries and olives all day

I'm meant to befriend the trees and deers and paint with flowers

I'm not made to sit in school

In a place where my voice doesn't matter

Hell yea

you never remembered much about your early youth. most of your "memories" were jumbled fragments of random places and events that never even happened; yet you always seemed to dream about them. it was as if your whole existence from ages 1-4 was a never-ending, senseless dream that you continued to have flashbacks of even as you got older.

it all started with this one specific place. a place you felt like you remembered so well, but knew deep down it never could've existed; a place so close, yet so far. it was a giant waterpark that you swore you frequented as a young kid. it gave you such a euphoric feeling that you'd never felt before. such a nostalgia for a place that never even existed. it had 5 main watersides that now looked disheveled and abandoned, unnaturally large fake play houses used as swimming pools and bars, multiple pools, and an underground youth swim area with seemingly endless winding halls of tiles that enveloped every area from top to bottom.

you remember the time of day; twilight. the sky gleaming a beautiful neon pink and deep blue as the rest of the world was engulfed in darkness. you were there all alone after closing with only a flashlight to help guide the way. you came prepared to swim in your swimsuit, yet all the pools lacked any water. this didn't make sense though, the last time you checked, it was the middle of the summer, and you had just been there just a week prior. nonetheless, you still slowly inch your way around the park despite your gut telling you to just go home as you really had nothing to do.

as you're wondering what to do or where to go next, you suddenly notice the signs. so. many. signs. all claiming the same thing: "Waterpark now closed for good due to multiple reports of children going missing." you're taken aback; since when was this an issue? after pondering these signs for a bit, you realize that you aren't supposed to be there. you don't know what made you think going to a waterpark at this time was reasonable in the first place, but now, due to the endless array of alarming signs, you know that you are not welcome in the slightest. however, as soon as you make up your mind in the midst of this chaos, the continuous sounds of cars completely disappear; the little amount of streetlight that was helping illuminate your journey was gone, and the noise of the forest surrounding you was nonexistent. you freeze in fear, knowing that what you got yourself into was not safe and likely otherworldly.

"Sometimes, I wish I could lend you my voice

Lend you my heart

And lend you my choice"

I'm not a poet I'm a girl with a lot on my mind and a girl who thinks about someone who doesn't think about me

I'm not a ninja I'm a girl who practices the art of kyukido and loves it but will never be better than her

I'm not a parent I'm a girl with a younger brother who's parents don't seem to know the difference between right and wrong anymore

I'm not smart I'm a girl who reads sometimes and does research for fun but I only have so much surface level knowledge to keep you curious for a little

I'm not funny I steal my jokes from kids in class and tv shows and YouTube videos and old cartoons

And maybe soulmates weren't meant to fall in love but rather to have a connection a silent one an eyes glancing across the room a quiet but so so deadly spark that poured upon with a single word of gasoline could explode maybe we were meant to walk by eachother and say sorry when our shoulders bumped and take a little bit of each other's souls with us when we left and look for each other in the eyes of every stranger we meet and think about the girl we bumped into