Asm15 - Blog Posts

AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK

Day 20: SET C - “Blank Stare”

Did you know? Apparently Nobodies come back into being the way they remember themselves. I think you probably do, after all the teardrops are gone from your cheeks.

So, apparently the truest vision I have of me is bleeding. I’d laugh about the irony, if it didn’t hurt so much. I keep thinking about how fast the wound scarred over last time. No such luck now, I think it’s getting infected … again. Weird, to be back in a human body, only to realize how frail it really is.

But I don’t think I have to tell you that. Still sleeping, no sign of waking up. Only because you saved me. Again.

I… well.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but … I really wish you didn’t do it. Save me. You should have just left me in the darkness. You made so many friends, and they miss you. And I … just don’t deserve to be here in your place. They’re friendly to me of course, saying any friend of yours is a friend of theirs and saying it doesn’t matter what I …Even Roxas and Xion. I can see her face now, you know.

I … I’m so sorry. And I can’t even get myself to say it. I can’t open my mouth whenever any of them are around.

I’m glad they gave us a place to stay here in the castle. With strangers living where our parents’ houses used to be, I really wouldn’t have any other idea of where to go. But it hurts to be here, in Radiant Garden. I can barely stand to look outside a window. It’s all so full of memories.

Of you. Of us.

I miss you, so much.

It hurts.

I wish I could have at least talked to you, even if just for a little bit. It’s been so long. And even longer since we talked as friends.

I know I’ve said it a hundred times, but I’m so sorry. For everything I did. I don’t know if you can hear me and I don’t know if you’d even want to listen to my side of the story. It’s not an excuse, I know that. I’m not even sure why I told you at all. I … it just hurts so much.

They tried to bully me into joining them for some ice cream again. But I can’t leave you alone. I can’t. This is the only thing I can do for you. Staying by your side, making sure you’re not alone.

Remembering.

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AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK Day 19: SET C - “Crush My Heart”

The first thing I felt was a stinging pain carved in my face.

I touched my cheek with a shaking hand and so the second thing I felt was wet and sticky and warm and it suddenly made me taste iron on my lips.

The third thing I felt was breathing. My own, deep but burning in my chest, and that of another, calm, below me. Another. Another person.

I tried to wipe away the blood from my eyes and moved to lift myself up. It was hard, my whole body felt heavy, but I managed to prop myself up on one arm. And there you were.

Breathing, motionless. I stared at your face. Alive, but unmoving. I tried to say your name, but nothing came out, my lips wet with blood but dry anyway and my throat numb. I didn’t know how long I hovered over you, but it was the realization that I was dripping blood onto your face that finally made me sit back.

I didn’t know why I was bleeding again. I didn’t know why I was lying on the floor or why you were there (asleep? unconscious?). But I realized I did know where I was. My breath started to hitch and I felt my stomach clench as I recognized the room where we had lost our hearts. Where you tried to save me, where I gave in anyway, my heart taken from me and my face carved.

Why were we here?

Did this mean… that it was … over?

Was I... back…? Was I …

Was I me again?

Sometimes as a Nobody I had tried to imagine how it would feel when my heart would be returned. I thought I’d feel relief or maybe even happiness. But in reality all I felt was pain and grief and a horror I couldn’t even place but that gripped me so tightly it blocked out everything else. When tears finally came I didn’t stop them. They burned in the cuts on my cheeks, but I barely felt it. I sat next to your unmoving body and I wept for the first time in years, until finally someone came rushing into the room, screaming your name and taking both of us away.

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AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK Day 18: SET C - “Lyrics (Only If For A Night)”

[ And I heard your voice, as clear as day And you told me I should concentrate It was all so strange, and so surreal That a ghost should be so practical ] [ Only If For A Night – Florence + the Machine ]

Somewhere in the darkness, I thought I heard your voice. I thought I felt your hands.

The sensation was so real and warm and wrong. I was alone, wasn’t I?

But I heard it again, so far away, felt it so close to me and it didn’t matter. I didn’t care if it was real or an illusion or a fever dream my crumbling mind conjured. I clutched onto it. It gave me a focus, a lifeline in the madness of my fall and I would not give it up.

I would not

give you up.

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AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK Day 17: SET C - “Void”

It didn’t end. I didn’t know how long I had been falling for. It felt like forever, it felt like an instant. It FELT, I felt. It was all I did, Falling, and Feeling and - remembering. My life passed me by, both of them. A cacophony of sensations and feelings and sounds and voices. The hurt I had caused, the hurt I had been caused. The smiles and the laughs and the love I felt and the hatred. It blurred and twisted and it was beautiful and painful and TOO MUCH and it.

Didn’t.

End.

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AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK Day 16: SET C - “Disappearance”

I was watching as your light went out, and I felt nothing.

When he came for me, I fought with everything I had. He had beaten me before, but surely this time, surely with all the not-hatred I felt for him, I could win.

I couldn't.

As I felt myself vanishing, the pain and the sadness finally caught up on me. It was just for one moment, but I felt an overwhelming hurt. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to go back in time, back to when things were okay. I wanted nothing more than to be whole again. 

But there was nothing to be done. You were gone, and so was I.

In the end, it was all for nothing.

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AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK Day 15: SET C - “Acts of Love & Hate”

It didn't matter that he wore a different name or a different face. I wanted to destroy him. It was a desire, roaring deep inside of me, overwhelming everything else. It was his fault. His fault. 

Destroying him wouldn’t fix what had happened, but it would set me free. 

Of him. Of you. 

Of the pain I refused to feel.

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FIRST BINGO! WUHUU!

Links to each of my entries for AkuSaiMonth 2015 in this post!

AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK Day 14: SET C - “To Be Left”

It was no surprise when you left. When you betrayed me.

Everything I once believed in went away with you. All my schemes, all my plans.

The very last part of me that had still, foolishly, believed

was finally dead.

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AKUSAIMONTH 2015: BERSERK Day 13: SET C - “Blissful Ignorance”

I searched for the warmth I once found in you, but it was so hard to remember. Everytime you rejected me, it left me a little more indifferent and soon, there was nothing else left.

It didn't hurt. How should it, when I couldn't feel at all? Unlike you, I accepted it from the start. I didn't try to fight a fact I wouldn't be able to change.

I accepted it. Just as I soon learned to accept that you would no longer be a part of my existence.

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I picked this story up again! I will post the first of the new chapter right after this! :D Klick the Read More to see the chapter overview and (re?)read previous chapters! Hope you enjoy it as much as I do! <3

AkuSaiMonth 2015

So, I am taking part in @misomilk ’s AkuSaiMonth and seeing as I like to make things more complicated than they need to be, I decided to take all the prompts of card C to create a coherent story (More like story-doodle things) with it. This extra post helps me to keep things organised.

I will update this post regularly and link back to it!

Keep reading

AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 12: SET C - “Gradient”

Your behavior towards me changed. You changed.

It was important to keep a close eye on the wielder of the keyblade. Up to this very day, I cannot claim to know the full truth behind Xemnas’ – behind Xehanort’s plan. The essential part this boy played in it was obvious nonetheless. It was only logical to let you watch him.

As always though, you didn’t quite act as I was expecting. You never did, and still I could have never forseen the outcome this would cause. By the time I realized, it was already too late.

I was already losing you to him.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 11: SET C - “Patterns”

How could you smile like that? How could you smile without a heart.

Everything was becoming routine so fast. I was separated from everyone else from the start. I realized it, yet this was giving me the best access to information, so I welcomed it anyway. You never stopped smiling whenever I send you off to those missions. You were joking and grinning, like nothing had happened. Like nothing was wrong at all. You seemed to do so perfectly fine. Unlike me.

I tried to tell myself that I was doing all this for you, for us, so we could go home together, as whole beings again, but soon the thought began to change in my head. It didn’t take long before I found myself blaming you for everything. A little more every time you smiled at me.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 10: SET C - “FREE SPACE”

“It won’t be.” "Huh?" "It won't be okay, unless we make it. "You have a plan?" "Not yet. We don't know enough. Our only chance at the moment is to play along." "So, you do have a plan." "I doubt it's worth calling it that." "Pft, whatever. Don't be so grim, Isa. We can do this, right!"

I felt like falling. It was a vertigo, things were keeping to blur before my eyes. It was hard to keep myself together at that time. Being with you helped. Apparently I was the only one struggeling with this. I know for sure that you didn't. Then again, I was also the only one who had had an X carved into his forehead. 

It was incredible how fast the wound had healed – or rather, how fast it had scarred.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 9: SET C - “Lyrics (Together)”

[ I know to be there When and where, I’ll be there You know what’s to be said We said out loud, we never said

My premonition of the world comes to me A sun in your eyes Says I’m alright ] [ Together - The xx ]

“Isa! Is that you?! Did it get you too?! Where the hell are - Woah, I-Isa, what - what happened to your face?!”

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 8: SET C - “Ultimate Demise”

“So pathetic. Weren’t you trying to protect your friend? Now look what you have done.” “What ... what did you do to Lea?!” “No, the real question is: what did you do?” “What are you talking about! I didn’t do anything.” “Precisely. You just watched as he sacrificed himself. Even now, you do nothing. Aaah ... now, do you really think looking at me with such hateful eyes will bring your precious friend back?” “You killed him.” “Killed him? Dear boy, do you really think, this is what death looks like? No, he’s not dead.” “Then what?!” “Hmhm... Do you wish to see him again? Do you wish to save him? I can bring you to him.”

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 7: SET C - “Explosion”

I saw him coming.
 Never before had I seen anything like what he held in his hands, but I didn’t need to to know it was dangerous, that he was dangerous. 
I shouted out to you, reached for you in order to push you out of his way, but you grabbed me instead and held on to me. I don’t even know if that’s what you were planning to do, but you acted as a shield to me, the last thing I would have ever wished for.

I won’t ever be able to forget the pain I saw in your eyes as you disappeared without another word.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 6: SET C - “Shapes (Silhouettes)”

“We've tried for years! If there was a way, we would have found it by now!” “We've got to try it anyway!” “Why can’t you just let it go? We won’t get in, accept it already!” “No, you don't understand! Things have changed! I saw those shadows!! I know, you don't believe me, but-” “I do believe you. That's exactly what gets me worried! If those creatures really did come from the castle, then who knows what's still luring inside there!” “Right, nobody knows. Because noone's been there, noone's seen it!” “That's not what I-” “But it's just what I mean!” “Lea.” “No, I'm going. With or without you.”

I don't know whether or not he went to the castle that day. He never told me. If he did, he failed, just as we had countless times before. The next time though I did follow him, and he didn't even need to ask. For the next time was when his warnings and my nightmares finally came true. When the world as we knew it, seemed to end.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 5: SET C - “Lyrics (Hearts A Mess)”

[ Pick apart the pieces of your heart Let me peer inside Let me in where only your thoughts have been Let me occupy your mind as you do mine ] [ Hearts A Mess - Gotye ]

“We shouldn't. Something about the castle isn't right, I can feel it.” “All the more reason to uncover what's going on! We need to know what it is, so we can protect town!” “Protect town? And how on earth are we going to do that?!” “We'll know once we know what's the problem in the first place!” “... Seriously, you're such an idiot.” “Aww, come on, Isa, I need you on this! I can't do it on my own!” “Then how about not doing it at all?” “Uh, no. Bad idea.” “... I really can't talk you out of it, can I.” “So you are helping me!” “You knew exactly that I would.” “Hehe. I just know I can count on you!”

I kept quiet about the way I felt, all this time. I was happy with being near you, with being your friend. I couldn't risk losing you. Yet as time moved on I realised that your presence filled up more and more of me. Whatever I did, whatever I thought, you were always a part of it. At the same time I felt so distant from you. I know that I kept things from you, things you could never know, but were you hiding things from me as well?

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 4: SET C - “Affection”

“So, you're into astrology, right!” “It's astronomy. Astrology is -” “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ve got something to show you!” “…Wait, this leads to the roof, doesn’t it?” “Yup.” “Stop that, are you insane?” “No, you’re just boring. Come on, I’ve been up there like ten million times before. It’s safe, trust me.” "Yeah, because that sounds like a good idea." "Oi, I can hear you, you know." "Wouldn't make much sense saying it otherwise." "Heh, true enough."

I remember the moon's reflection in his eyes, that night. I remember the way he smiled, proud of his surprise for me. And I remember the warmth creeping up inside of me for the first time in my life.

It was the beginning of my personal demise.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 3: SET C - “Friends”

“Why are you doing this?“ “Because we’re friends, why else?“ “… We are?“ “What?! Sure we are! Pft, so mean! Now you have to pay for the ice cream next time!“ “What?“ “Naaah, just joking, really, don’t take everything so serious. Come on, let’s get-” “I will.“ “Huh?“ “I will buy ice cream next time. Then I’ll show you my favourite.“ “You have a favourite ice cream?“ “Just what do you take me for? An alien?“ “Naaaa~ahaha. So, which one?“ “…Sea Salt.“ “Eww, sounds gross. Maybe you are an alien after all.“ “Oh, shut up.“ “…“ “Why are you grinning all of a sudden?“ “Nothing~ Come on, Isa, let’s get moving!“

It felt great. Having a friend.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 2: SET C - “Only You or Except You”

Everyone knew to keep their distance to me. Just ignore the strange kid. It's impossible to talk to him anyway. Just what is wrong with him? He's creepy, isn't he? Everyone knew.

Except you.

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AKUSAIMONTH: BERSERK Day 1: SET C - “An Eternal Memory” (Prologue)

I swore I'd never forget. I wonder, did I keep this promise? I held the memory close, that much I can say, but still … In my rage, the hatred I didn't even acknowledge … Didn't I change it's meaning?

It is hard to understand why I acted the way I did in this quiet moment. No, not to understand. It is hard to believe. What a fool I have been. Had I acted differently … would I have been able to change fate? Had I been stronger, could I have been able to change the fact that it is you lying in front of me, motionless, once again?

“Wake up,” I whisper, knowing that you are probably not able to hear me. They keep telling me, that you don't. Yet, how would they know? When I was lost in darkness out of all things it was your voice I heard. So, wouldn't it make sense for you to hear mine as well?

When they tell me not to push myself too far I can feel a sense of empathy coming from them that I neither deserve nor wish for. I fake a smile nonetheless and promise. Another promise I am probably breaking in this twisted way of mine, without even knowing. This is all I can do for you, so I won't stop. For as long as it takes I will be staying by your side. I will keep the memory of you.

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