Bachelor Episode 2 - Blog Posts

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 2

            There is no time wasted jumping into this week’s episode which purports to be filled with drama and jealousy and dumb, dumb group dates.

Sarah, the beautiful girl born with one arm, wins the very first solo date and she’s just humbly excited as the other girls humbly plan her murder. She actually seems lovely and well-adjusted, but the producers just keep making her talk about the fact that she only has one arm. It’s kind of hard to understand who she is as real, NORMAL PERSON, when all you keep making her say is ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM, ONE ARM.

As if from on high, Sean arrives to pick up his date in, you guessed it, a helicopter. Week two, date number one, we’ve got a helicopter. This show is going to make me lose sense of the word helicopter. Sean picks up adorable Sarah and tries desperately not to reach out and grab her stump as he helps her in.

“Oh! So amazing!” he says devoid of true emotion as they sweep over the “feh” landscape of LA.

Sarah voices over, “I might seem unapproachable to you guys because I have one arm, but my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” Please God let this be the last mention of her phantom limb.

“We are really high up, if you haven’t noticed,” Sean helpfully points out when they land on a helipad on the roof of a sky scraper. “I brought you all the way up here for a champagne toast, which is all the way down there at the bottom…We are going to free-fall three-hundred feet all the way down!”

Sarah is confused and freaked out and nervous and I’m nervous too because even thinking about heights makes my tummy sad and gurgley. But Sarah bravely trusts completely in Sean (not the cables, harnesses, etc) to guide her safely at the bottom.

I hate this. It is a horrific nightmare somewhere between sky-diving and bungee jumping. I would probably go through with it but I would be displeased at having to prove my ability to have an adult relationship by performing death defying stunts. They make it down, her shrieking the whole way and him kind of bellowing. What a f*cking well-earned glass of champagne that girl drinks down.

Sean and Sarah change into formal ware for “dinner” on what appears to be the bed of a concubine to the King of Siam. Sarah tells a really touching story about not being allowed to zip line because of her disability (ONE ARM) and that today meant a lot that Sean(the stunt company) trusted (made her sign a waiver) in her ability to do something so courageous and fun.

Sean replies by saying that he considers himself a man. Oh, Sean. Help me out here. To be fair though, he’s very affectionate in a not gross way towards her and their body language (MINUS ONE ARM) seems comfortable.

Group date card arrival! Kristie, Katie, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Selma, Diana, Erin, Kacie, and Tierra (barf) are going to “capture the romance”. That’s thirteen. Thirteen women on a group date. Tierra’s pissed. Tierra looks like Latina Britney Spears.

Back on the date, they discuss past relationships and why they didn’t work blah blah blah. Then they head back up the helipad of the building they jumped off for more champagne. He gives her the rose and they kiss! They are blonde and cute.

Now we’re piling into limos for the group date! Most girls are euphoric while Tierra wears her best stank face. They pull up to an insane looking Beverly Hills chateau and Sean in a purple henley. Sean tells them they’ll be doing a photo shoot for covers of Harlequin romance novels. Kristy the Ford model goes insane at the idea. And taking a strange Top Model-esque turn, the girl they decide has the most “real chemistry” with Sean will grace the covers of three different books. Like, why? Why? How is that an incentive? This is one of the dumbest group dates ever.

The girls are grouped into four categories: cowgirls, sexy glam, vampires, and historical. Cowgirls are up first and do such sexual things as embracing on bales of hay, embracing next to a horse, embracing while feed a horse an apple flat-palmed safety-ways so fingers don’t get bitten off.

Everyone already hates Tierra and feels like she’s psycho-high-maintenance-judgmental-fake. Which she may very well be. She is very aggressive and already hates having to share Sean with anyone. This is her face. THIS IS HER FACE.

Kristy the Ford model really takes the reins on her shoot and does some good, sexy modeling, I think? Mr. Jay isn’t there to tell me if she’s too posey, so I have no real idea. But he liked her energy, and she wins the contract. How lucrative.

Now it’s pool party time! Pool party in cocktail attire! Leslie M. is the first to pull Sean away based on their chemistry from the photo shoot. She seems a little young to me and Sean seems like an old soul. They like each other, but they’re kind of awkward together. She’s giggling and he wants to kiss her but won’t and I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable.

As the girls “steal Sean for a second” one by one, Leslie musters up the courage to just take action and get that kiss. Go girl! Daniella is comically upset, but she’s got some cocktails in her so girlfriend’s gonna be alright.

Sean’s favorite thing is to put his hand on a lady’s leg protectively yet affectionately. He does this with Kacie who I’m obviously rooting for because I love her and want to be her friend. They agree that they’re going to explore if they have something. Good. Please let them having something.

Catherine is vegan and makes a joke that “I’m vegan but I love the beef.” And Sean thinks it is a TERRIFIC joke. Heavens, does he give a hearty guffaw over that. It might be the first joke he's ever heard and is delighted at the idea of comedy.

Then we cut to Tierra stuffing her face as she lays herself out on a chaise lounge in a dress covered in boob-fringe. Girl.  Boob fringe is not the way to secure a husband. Selma tries to include her but she refuses. Selma is trying to be nice, but Tierra’s hungry and busy ostracizing herself.

When they talk, Sean tries to reassure Tierra about the whole “process” and about not getting hung up on girl drama. He likes her. He likes her chutzpah. Which. Gross. Why is there always one gross girl that the Bachelor is just blinded by? Every time.

Katie the yoga instructor with amazing curly hair is uncomfortable with “the process”. She talks to Sean who immediately gives her his jacket when she says she’s cold. Swoon. She decides that she needs to go because it’s not the right setting for her. Which is fine and she did it early on and did it with dignity. So he walks her out. Good for her. And good for Sean for being such a gentleman about it. The other girls are just secretly glad to have one less lady around.

It’s rose time. Kacie is GUNNING for it. If he gives it to Tierra I’ll die. But he doesn’t! He gives it to Kacie. That’s my girl! Too bad Tierra says she wants to punch Kacie B. for winning the rose.

Now Sean meets up with the almighty Chrarrison to plan a prank to pull on poor unsuspecting Desiree for her one on one date.

It’s at an art gallery, and I swear to God Chris Harrison says the word “supposably” just like Joey in that one episode of Friends. The plan is for a “supposably” priceless work of art to break and for Desiree to think it’s all her fault! Oh! What droll fun that will be! I always thought this show should be more like Punk’d!

Desiree is just thrilled to be at an art gallery filled with people. That should’ve been her first trigger because never in the history of this show has a date occurred in the presence of other humans. They pull Sean away for an interview leaving Des alone in the room with the priceless work of art priced at $1.5 million. Back in the secret viewing room, Sean begins to regret pulling this heinous prank on really sweet girl.

Then the sculpture thing falls and shatters. Des is trying to keep a game face but is panicked. The actors are being super mean and accusatory to her. She feels terrible. THIS IS THE MOST FUN IMAGINABLE ON A FIRST DATE.

Sean comes in to save the day all, “It doesn’t matter what happened. I’m gonna support you. I’m always gonna support you.” WHICH SEEMS TO BE LAYING IT ON PRETTY THICK FOR A FIRST DATE, SEAN. She looks at him like he’s crazy.

 “But tonight I don’t have to, because these are actors!” he beams. Yes there is so much to be proud of with that stunt you ass.

Since Des took the prank so well, Sean decides it’s alright if she comes back to his place for dinner and a nice date that’s not having fun at her expense. How chivalrous.

Back at his bachelor pad, they have a steak, broccoli, and wild rice dinner. To be honest, that sounds delicious and low key and fun. As they get to know each other, they perpetuate this horrible idea that only people whose parents have successful relationships know how to love and can be good life partners. I’ll fly into a rage about that later, but for now, the two of them look very cozy. They get even cozier as they take a little hot tub time. Hot tub on a first date sounds horrible to me, but everyone on this show seems to love it.  

Des gets the rose and gives a long pause after he asked to accept the rose. She says the prank was rude but then she’s is pranking HIM and accepts ahahahahahah! MORE COMEDY.

At the cocktail party there is a truly horrifying display of cocktail attire from the ladies. Lindsay the wedding dress girl wants to save some face after wearing a WEDDING DRESS and getting a little too drunk the first night in the mansion. Sean pretends to be all very amused by it. They talk about, what else, family. It’s Sean’s favorite topic, so I think she pretty much secured her rose by sharing how much she wants a family.

Back in the living room with all the ladies, Amanda is wearing a pretty yellow dress and an angry face. And, they may have edited this, but she seems to be completely unresponsive to even a direct line of questioning. Very rude and negative.

Robyn is concerned about race and whether or not Sean is attracted to “black females” which is a pretty broad statement. Like, I’m not attracted to all Japanese males just like I’m not attracted to all Venezuelan males. But still, I can see her concern, and she bravely asks him outright.

Sean answers pretty honestly and openly with much the same sentiment. “It’s the mind, and it’s the woman behind the physical appearance,” he says. He’s attracted to who he’s attracted to, and, in fact, his last girlfriend was black. So he just makes the whole point moot and they move on. Man that made my heart swell a little.

Selma tries to teach him a little Arabic. I like her even more. She teaches him to say “you are very beautiful” and she’s just a nice woman and is very, very pretty.

Sour faced Amanda perks right up as soon as Sean steals her away, much to the chagrin of all the other women who think she is rude and mean and arrogant. All they can keep saying is the age-old adage that she’s “not here for the right reasons”.

Rose ceremony time. Sean is conflicted, but here’s who is safe.

Roses from previous dates: Sarah, Kacie B., Desiree.

Roses from tonight: Ashley, Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Leslie M., Selma, Catherine, Kristie, Leslie H., Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, and Amanda Drama Queen.

Leaving eliminated only two ladies, Brooke and Diana. That is so many women left that I’m concerned this will be an excruciatingly long process. We have much to look forward to in the drama department next week however as Tierra becomes even more territorial which is ironic considering her name means land in Spanish (it also means Earth and dirt which are also fitting).

See you next time!