Choices Messermoon - Blog Posts

My roommate is watching Harry Potter while I’m reading Choices and I have a feeling we’re in very different worlds right now

Remus lupin realising there were all these other werewolves out there who never got the same opportunity he did. That he was truly the exception and it was because Albus planned to use him from the very beginning. Remus recognising he was instilled with this sense of debt towards dumbledore, Remus becoming disillusioned with Dumbledore and started seeing him for what he really was. Looking at the man they'd all followed in blind faith and wondered where the hell it got them and questioning if he was even worth following. Remus taking the job in POA not only because he needs the money, but because he wants to keep a closer eye, knowing that harry was under Dumbledore's care. Because he knew firsthand that at the end of the day Dumbledore's protection wasn't worth that much.

i'll be fine and then i'll remember that regulus was 14 when choices started. FOURTEEN. and he'd already been through so much, and his life was on a ticking clock because he dies 4 years after the start of the story. he was literally a child it makes me feel so sick.

Regulus Black in choices:

the pov switch was kinda funny when you think about it he was STRESSING

worst part of reading choices is the constant what if's i keep asking myself. what if dumbledore had got them out of there? what if regulus had fallen in love with james sooner? what if sirius had taken him with him that day? what if he had just gone with james after the ministry attack? what if he had just stayed at hogwarts? what if he had brought cerci to the cave? what if what if what if.

nothing on my mind except how during their relationship all james was thinking about was how happy he is to just be with Regulus and then in Regulus' POV he's just constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and convincing himself he needs to leave.

grieving regulus black harder than i've ever grieved any family death or friendship breakup.

the epilogue of choices paralleling the end of the song of achilles is so magical to me. two souls finding their way back together in the next life because this one wasn't ready for them. all the ways patrochilles parallels jegulus in choices is my favourite in general but the ending SPECIFICALLY. Knowing they're together out there is so important to me

"leave the heroics to people who have less to offer the world."

Even in his final moments Regulus Black never fully grasped how fucking important he was, never understood his own worth. He never got the chance to. Because Regulus actually DID have a lot to offer the world. He was a potions prodigy. Outsmarted the 7th year advanced students when he was just a kid, altered the laws of potions magic, making a gaseous potion on the first try. He was an amazing seeker, he was getting scouted before he even left school. Even beyond that, he had so much love to give, quiet hesitant love, but LOVE. He could've been so fucking great if he was released out in the world. He had so much to offer.

me reading choices, knowing it's canon compliant, reading regulus believe him and james' love is doomed:

NOOOOO BABY YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY ITS GONNA WORK OUT STOP IT STOP 😭😭😭😭 YOU'RE NOT DOOMED YOU'RE NOT 😭😭😭

the fact that sirius never fucking knew. never found out is so painful. no one else in that house cared enough to do anything about it, but sirius would have. he would've done everything in his power to keep reg safe, he genuinely believes he DID do everything to keep reg safe while he was there. their relationship deteriorated right as reg started needing him most and sirius started believing he didn't need him at all.

choices lucius malfoy is my biggest enemy

One of my favourite things about Choices is how thoroughly interwoven jily and jegulus are. they're always present like a lingering shadow but I wish we had seen more of the time inbetween the end of jegulus and the start of Jily. The guilt James must have felt at moving on, despite everything that went down between him and Regulus. the fact that it was with LILY, who regulus always felt insecure about. And when I think about it too much my heart aches.

Because it was truly so insane. Like I think it hit him so hard. because he loved regulus, truly loved him. Regulus had him, unconditionally, with no strings or games, all of him. and all james wanted was for him to love him back more than he hated himself. more than he was scared. to try another path. to not give up. and he had SO much hope for them, that they would work. And in those moments with Regulus he just felt so full and so happy and then Regulus was gone and left this humongous hole in his life and the only person that can fill it is the very person Regulus was always scared was really meant for james.

regulus's lifeforce using his final moments to try and hash things out with his brother breaks my heart so much. he really loved him the best way he could, it was always sirius for him. the first person he loved, and first person he lost and i stand by the fact that it was his most defining relationship. like yes, his relationship with james was so important and impacted him in so many ways but sirius shaped him yk? his final moments may have been spent thinking of james but it was sirius that his soul went to first. he always loved him even when he wasn't strong enough. one of my favourite moments is after the prank he took the time to try and get james to understand (?) sirius and the way he thinks even when he gets nothing out of it. the fact that they never fixed things will always be the greatest tragedy. because above all else that would've been redemption for him, to him.

"not my best work" she says after writing literature so beautiful shakespeare himself would weep at her altar overcome by his INADEQUACY.

i’m so sad regulus never got to see james in animagus form,, he would have loved it so much, he would have loved boo even more

Okay I know this was not a prompt but I wanted to

"Was that a twig? Did I just step on a twig? Where the hell are we?"

"Sh - Merlin, you're worse than Sirius. Keep your voice down would you?" Regulus glares, though considering he's currently wearing a blindfold it's not very effective.

James's hands are warm and steady on his shoulders, and for all his complaining Regulus doesn't mind being lead by James. He'd follow him anywhere.

Not that he wants James to know that, of course. His ego is already monstrous.

"Step up," James says, Regulus lifting one foot and then the other.

"Why do I feel like you've brought me into the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night?" Regulus asks.

He gets silence in response.

"James I swear to god-"

"Just trust me okay?" James cuts him off before he can get going. "You'll like this."

Regulus rolls his eyes, another expression of distain lost because of the blindfold. It really is holding him back. "You know," James says after a few seconds. "The fact that you're afraid of the forest is kind of adorable."

Regulus thinks he might actually growl. "You're so fucking lucky I can't see you right now."

James squeezes his shoulder. "Yeah, yeah, you're a big baddie, I'm quivering in my trainers."

Regulus makes sure to jab him with his elbow which, he has been informed, is exceptionally pointy.

"Fuck Reg."

Regulus smiles triumphantly.

"Brat," James's voice is right by his ear, breath hot, snaking down his neck. James kisses his cheek before pulling away.

They keep walking for a few more minutes before James finally comes to an abrupt stop. "This is good."

"Great," Regulus says flatly. "Can I take this off now?" he reaches for the blindfold but James slaps his hand away. "No! Not yet, just wait." James lets go of him, which is maybe the first moment that Regulus feels uncertain. Blind and alone. He slides his wand into his palm, though he isn't sure what good it'll do if he can't aim. "James?"

"Sorry, just, count to ten okay? Then take it off." He sounds like he's a few feet away now. And for a horrifying second Regulus wonders if he's going to leave him here. Which - he isn't afraid of the Forbidden Forest, lets get that straight, but, he also isn't a fan of being...alone in the dark. It feels too much like being punished. "I'm not going anywhere Reg, okay? I'm gonna be right here when you open your eyes," James says, like he can read Regulus's thoughts. Which is simultaneously comforting and annoying at the same time.

"I'm fine," Regulus says flatly. He knows the expression James is making even without looking. It's one he privately calls "exasperated fondness".

"Start counting okay?"

Regulus rolls his eyes again. "One, two, three, four -"

He hears rustling. "- five, six, seven, eight - "

He's almost positive something drops to the floor.

"-nine, ten."

Regulus rips off the blindfold, blinking into the dark forest. It's hard to see, even with the lantern James has hung on one of the branches. The stars just barely visible through the trees above them.

It takes Regulus a minute to get his bearings. And then he sees something move.

"Fuck," he stumbles back, wand flying up as a large dark shape distinguishes itself from the shadows. It's tall and muscular, with great big antlers.

"James!"

His eyes dart around but there's no sign of the other boy.

"Motherfucker, if this is your idea of a prank I swear to god I'm going to kill you!"

The animal lets out a breath - almost sounds like a snort. It steps forward again and Regulus shakes his wand. "Take another step and I'll be mounting your head on my dorm room wall."

The animal makes that noise again - it really does feel like it's laughing at him - then it dips its head low, shifting slightly more into the light of the lantern. And for the first time Regulus is able to get a good look at it. Able to recognize it. A stag. Like his Patronus.

Its eyes watch Regulus, kind and patient, something captivating about them. Something that pins Regulus against the tree behind him.

"James?" he finally calls out again, voice bouncing around. The stag paws at the ground and when Regulus looks down he notices James's wand lying a few feet away in the dirt. His eyes bounce from the stag to the wand and back again.

He feels his whole body sag in relief. "Oh you have got to be joking."

The stag - James - honest to god smiles. If not with his mouth than with his eyes.

"You fucking idiot what did you do, not Polyjuice surely?"

James gives a small but clear shake of his head.

"Animagus?"

Smiling again. Those smiling goddamn eyes. They'll be the death of Regulus, he just knows it.

"Idiot. Absolute idiot. Unregistered I imagine?"

James trots forward nudging Regulus with his noise.

He'll take that as a yes.

"It's a crime that you're this good at magic you know? Imagine if that talent had been given to someone who wanted to do more than muck about - oh fuck off!"

James has just given him a big, slobbery, lick, right up the side of his face. "Disgusting," Regulus tries to step away, wiping at his cheek with his jumper, but James doesn't let him get far, crowding against him, nudging him with his nose and forehead.

"You know," Regulus says as he allows himself to bullied into the middle of the clearing. "For a stag you sure act a lot like a dog."

James apparently likes this because he licks him again.

"Oh my god - stop doing that!" but he's laughing despite himself, James making those breathy noises that Regulus takes to mean he's doing the same.

Eventually James lifts his head, pulling himself up to his full height, antlers sparkling in the beams of moonlight pitter-pattering down around them like raindrops. Regulus feels overwhelmed at the sight, heart swelling in his chest, pressing against his ribs.

Before he can stop himself he reaches out, hand trailing down James's neck, causing James to close his eyes. He can feel the heat through his fur, the muscles, powerful and dangerous and just below the surface. It makes Regulus's stomach flip.

"You're beautiful you know?" suddenly whispering.

James opens his eyes, and Regulus almost can't take it. Almost has to look away. And then, without warning, James kneels down in front of him.

Regulus stares at him, wrinkling his forehead.

"You taking a nap Potter?"

He swears James rolls his eyes. But before Regulus can say anything else he's nodding his giant head towards his back. Regulus stares for a few more seconds.

"You...you want me to ride you?" He wrinkles his nose. "Okay that sounded a lot dirtier than I meant it to."

James snorts before nodding at his back again.

"I'm not going to - ow!"

James has just poked him with the tips of his antlers.

"This is ridiculous."

But the stag remains firmly on the ground.

Regulus would like to say that he maintained his dignity and turned on his heels, walking straight out of the forest. Unfortunately, as has been proven many times, he has no dignity when it comes to James Potter.

Grumbling, he throws one leg over, sitting himself firmly on James's back. James makes some sort of noise of approval before he starts to move.

"Oh god!" Regulus pitches forward, arms wrapping around James's neck, face buried in his fur. "If you break me before the Quidditch season is done I swear I will make your life hell."

But James is immune to his threats at this point, happily trotting through the woods.

It takes some getting used to - to the muscles moving underneath him, to the height that somehow feels so much more daunting than it does when he's on his broom. But eventually, Regulus's grip loosens and he lets himself sit up straight.

James moves through the trees with grace, barely seeming to feel the weight of Regulus on his back. And somehow, even without being able to see his face, Regulus knows that James is happy.

After a few seconds Regulus tilts his head up towards the sky, closing his eyes and letting the cool night wind blow through him. Something about this feels endless. The night. The forest. The stars. Like nothing can touch them here. The real world disappearing

This moment is magic in its purest form.

Still with his eyes closed Regulus feels his mouth spread into a smile. And then, before he can stop himself, he starts to laugh.

Maybe not my best work but it's still a lil cute right :) ?

please god give me a soft unconditional patient love like james and regulus in choices. the kind that makes you question everything you believe in and makes a home in your chest and makes you feel full and seen and understood and accepted

shit like this is why i'm so devastated by how they ended like. james loved regulus so softly so dearly so purely and regulus loved him back just as much and it still wasn't enough it just wasn't enough to overcome everything else that was going on

James wants to be wrapped up in this boy. This love. He wants to never be able to wash it off his skin. Or out of his mouth. He hopes Regulus has left marks. Hopes he can see them in the morning. He’ll wear them proudly—showing the day how they love in the dark.

you couldn't pay me enough money. absolute masterpiece but i'm never touching that thing with a ten foot pole. i didn't even know i could feel pain on that level

When your card declines at therapy so they make you read choices for the first time again.

when the fanfiction is so fucking devastating it has you clawing at your chest trying to remind yourself it's just fiction. but i still feel sick and i cant stop crying and everything hurts and aches because it hurt hit too close to home

i think reading crimson rivers as my first jegulus fic and then choices did something irreparable to my psyche.

i think one of the most devastating parts of choices for me was all the things that were left unsaid between all of them. all the words they chose to swallow and never say. james and sirius never really processed or talked about how he was in love with regulus, what he saw in him, never learned the full truth of how much it hurt sirius. even close to the end of the story, when reg visits sirius' dreams it's clear he's not over it. that they just brushed it away and then reg dies and you can tell that he really doesn't have a clue just how much this destroys james.

the same for sirius and reg. they never hash it out, they never fully understand the depths of which they care about each other because they never let themselves really talk about it. they both echo this sentiment, saying they thought they'd have more time. more time to say all thats unsaid, that sirius DID write those letters, regulus DID love sirius, that they both felt abandoned by each other but loved each other so much. it's just so tragic to me.

finished choices and i genuinely feel like i've just served on the front lines of a battle and barely made it out alive holy shit. fic so devastating i was crying for hours dry heaving and retching like i genuinely LOOKED sick. so devastating it had me crying in public (which I haven't been able to do for years) So heartbreaking It feels like it carved out a piece of me.

“how a man who viewed the world with such studied disconnect could kiss like this Neil didn’t know, but he wasn’t going to complain.”

“For someone who walked around around like he’s made of stone, Regulus touches like the sun.”