Cptsd Recovery - Blog Posts

back to putting in the hard work, mapped some of my parts!

Had a session about why closure is hard today, both because of him and because of me. Wrote another goodbye letter. I can't bring myself to post most of it but here was the ending. A proof of existence if you will.

3.22.23 - quantified damage.

[in no way do i condone ANY stigma that pwNPD are inherently abusers. us cluster b’s gotta stick together. this is simply a post documenting my literature and growth into the recovery process from my own personal childhood traumas. THIS BLOG WILL ALWAYS BE A SAFE SPACE FOR THOSE WITH NPD! ONE ABUSER IN A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE DOES NOT MAKE THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY BAD PEOPLE!]

Hey, I've never posted on here before but I don't know what else to do. I'm trying here and reddit.

I want to ask u guys for advice.

Mainly on the topics of:

Dissability(mainly undiagnosed cptsd or bipolar, neurological and possible ortho in my knees) + ptsd and ~fibromialgia~

Remote jobs

OHP

So I have been working at a restaurant that is very busy as a host, bus, where I bus tables and greet people + get them drinks. It's complicated, but long story short my boss got burned by my ex parents (part of the cause of the ptsd and cptsd) and is understanding of my situation with them. She works us on a skeleton crew all year round because of us being in a small tourist town, where the summers are busy and the wunters are a flood of layoffs due to lack of customers. So she keeps on only what she can during the winter ALL YEAR. which when we have 3-4 waitress/host busses for the restaurant with multiple large rooms it is intense on even the most able bodied and minds.

Basically the trade off is he'll in the summer for job security in the winter.

Which i would totally be in for, except my body and brain don't seem to be down for the ride of 36hr weeks >:[

And I'm worsening, fast. Especially with the secuall assaults related trauma, making it increasingly dangerous for me to drive to and from work, which is almost 30 min away.

I want to quit so bad, I technically already have and said that I'll try to work 2-3 weeks more, mostly out of guilt.

The second main problem is that my ohp, oregon Healthcare could be taken from me if I quit a job without already securing another. Which I have not.

I'm going to keep applying to Amazon, and other large companies and a few small ones for a remote job and search a but on the area to for an office job (which would not be ideal, but still better).

But I'm quitting today, school just let out which means even more than what I already have had and I'm pretty sure that I met my replacement yesterday.

I honestly don't know what to do, I'm legally homeless and couch surfing and have to wait a week or two to even try to get my fafsa approved. (Which I might be able to get a job at the community college, IF I take at least one class)

I want to get a degree like paralegal, but thats after I fix my credit.

Lil vent:

It's so frustrating when it feels like my body and mind are holding me back from who I should've been... I should've been the person who worked hard despite her past and made a good savings and future for herself. I'm trying to get into a therapist and pursue a specialist who can help, but if I loose my health insurance I'm screwed. Gods, this sucks.

But seriously, the heck am I supposed to do ʕಠᴥಠʔ