Diary Entry - Blog Posts

Day 1 | 16/10/23 | 23:27

Ratings: ¬Dissociation 4/10 ¬Mood 7/10 ¬Motivation 5/10 ¬Energy 4/10 ¬Overall 6/10

Summary: An average day today! Woke up much later than intended, meaning I had a much later bus to catch in order to get home from my partners. Made it back safe, and have spent the day doing creative activities that I was unable to do over the weekend. Didn't have the motivation to do a clean like I wanted to, but settled on taking the bins out at the very least. I cooked a nice meal too (if you count chicken dinosaurs as a nice meal). New hyperfixation of zombie apolocypse, which has me captivated. Overall, it's been a neutral day, but I'm still proud of myself! Side Note: I've been meaning to start this internet journal for months now, so I'm glad I've got around to it now! Whether I'm speaking into a void, or have even the smallest of audience's, I'm happy either way. Until tomorrow, Vio <3

Black and pink dividers I made!! >_<

Reblog and Credits when using! Please ask before posting on resource rentries and NO reposts.

Boost for da bunni blogger? c: @selysie @cwandiy @friliette @unagu @jeanryt @d34thnot3 @seldomstardom @infectedrpd

IT WAS 4 AM WHEN I WAS READING THIS AND IMAGINING THIS DUDE SITTING ON HIS DESK AND WRITING THIS WITH A SAD FACE ALMOST MADE ME CRY AAHH I LOVE HIM SM 😭😭‼️‼️🫶🫶

Edit: DON'T read the tags, i look like im mentally ill.

#016

Dear Diary,

At the moment, Hirotsu @fallingcamelliapetals is not at home, and unfortunately, I have far too much time to think. I've also regrettably turned to the bottle again and am becoming sentimental... how I hate that...

Damn it... everything I've been pushing down is rising up like poison.

Natsume is to blame for everything. He thought it would be a good idea to introduce us. I still remember our first encounter very well. You were so cold... just like always... For some reason, I tried to elicit some emotion from you, but I always failed. And although I generally don't allow myself to feel, I realized after a while that I had been lying to myself. Yes, I had started to develop feelings for you. But by the time I realized that, it was already too late, and you were well on your way to opening your detective agency, while my role as the leader of the Mafia was already sealed.

I really tried to hate you, but in the end, I could never quite succeed, and how I hate seeing you happy, even though I've always wanted nothing but the best for you. But I suppose it was always the realization that I would never be able to have you. Unreachable...

And now I sit here. I finally have the love of my life, and yet... fear of loss is once again consuming me. Allowing myself to feel always makes me insane. As beautiful as it is to close my eyes and slowly be drawn from the grips of love into the sea of emotions, the fear of losing it all is just as terrible... to slowly and surely perish like a fish out of water. Especially after I've learned and discovered things about myself that I didn't even know before... wants and needs I was previously unaware of.

One would think I’m a grown, old man... but in the end, I’m just a love-starved boy, full of fears of being alone...

work out: 40 minute run

food rules: yes

stretching: yes

studying: 3 hours

meditate: nope

⋆₊˚4/10/2024 – DAY 4 journal

The day after my binge fast was suprisingly good, I thought I'll feel sick or something but nah, it was a regular day. I started it by eating a toast with two eggs, i only ate one because i burnt them both and the second one was just.. uhh.. Yeah, then i *sadly* went to school but I'm trying to make school better to myself so i have to be positive about it. Yay! I went to school. The day wasn't bad but my bsf disrespected me and i was mad at her, tho I'm not anymore. I got a good grade form my polish class and a compliment from my russian class teacher. When i went back home i made myself lunch = a salad my mom made (with greek yogurt so extra healthy) and fried chopped sausages. Then I IMMIDIATELY without any rest went to my room and hopped on my treadmil. I ran for 40 minutes, so my work out was done! Then i again, immidiately, started studying. Okay, there was a little break but it was cleaning the kitchen, so it wasn't really a break. I studied for 3 hours straight because I have a math exam today and i didn't know anything, but i do now - yay! Then it was already dark outside and my hair was super greasy so i just took a shower and washed my hair, its sooo soft now. It was already 8PM when i finished so i went back to my room, started working on my subliminal (I didn't finish it, if anyone is intrested then bbabybrooke is the name of my channel!!). I watched some YT videos and just went to sleep 💤

work out: yes

food rules: nope.. absolutely not

stretching: yes

studying: no

meditation: nope

<10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚3/10/2024 – DAY 3 journal

On sundays i have rest days but that day i had a huge binge fest lol, my breakfast was cakes, cakes, cakes, then i snacked on salad and continued to eat only sweets. My break from them was lunch, chuck steak with silesian dumplings. I felt a lil guilty so i did a HIIT workout, i didnt finish it because i felt kinda weak, but i did leg pilates after! I didn't read a book nor did i go out on a walk, so i did only maybe like 200 steps lolllll. I don't feel guilty tho, it's just one day and im not gonna repeat it. Not the end of the world!

WORK OUT: done

FOOD RULES: done

STRETCHING: done

STUDYING: done

MEDITATING: nope.

>10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚2/10/2024 – DAY 2 journal

Im writing this the day, yesterday was really succesful. When i woke up, i immidiately did the first half of my work out. I did my skincare etc. and then played some games, but my parents said we're going shopping. The shopping was suprisingly calm and we joked a lot. I bought myself a salad. After we came back my sis was doing an aesthetic 'breakfast' (at 2PM LOL) for her competition (?), she took a pic of it and let us eat it. It was very yummy but i forgot what it is. Then i started reading Atomic Habits and finished a whole chapter, after that I went on a 10k steps walk and listenned to my history topic (so i was walking and studying, smart). When I came back I finished studying the topic and did the other part of my workout (HIIT). When i finished, it was already dark outside. So i mainly relaxed, ate the salad, and at 10 pm when i was going to sleep my sister came back with her boyfriend and she gave me a box of chicken! ofc i ate it lol.. but she also came back with a lot of cakes.. and my mom told to me to eat some of those. i didnt, but the next day i did (today)🥲

---- 2/10/2024 entry

* Today I downloaded GTA the trilogy!! I'm starting with GTA III and it looks good.

* My sister is changing schools, she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants but my mom is so heartbroken, it's so sad to see her this way.

* I felt an urge to relapse into starving, but I KILLED that urge, murdered, gone !!

* On Monday I'll have swimming classes so i decided to go on a 1200 kcal diet until Monday, I'll do HIIT daily and walk a lot + 16:8. Ik thats kinda unhealthy but i wanna look good quick and i swear ill return to eating normal after monday LOLLL

* I was on a walk with my mom for like an hour and a half, I absolutely love walking with her, and I love her, she's the best <3

* That's it lol, nothing really happenned :') byeee🩷🪽

---- 1/10/2024 entry

* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!

* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.

* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..

* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽

That PMDD moment

Hello there

Hey you! Im Ellie. And that’s my first entry!

Yay! Im very motivated! ...probably too motivated. But I'm just so excited right now to share all the thingies of my mind. Yeah... I don't even know what to say. I have so many ideas and things in my head, but I have no words to describe them. -That... makes no sense. Anyway, as I said, I have so many thingies on my list and if I have no idea what i could tell you, then just do what I want spontaneously. I mean - yolo! You onyl live ones, don't you? ; 3 So I'm happy to pour you the chaos of my head out and tell you what's going on in it when I don't say anything. And I can tell you - there is a lot going on! So if you feel like stopping by, you are welcome to do so. I would be happy. Oh! And one last thing - im really sorry for my bad english, so if you'll find some mistakes, please forgive me for them.

Have a great day! Ellie

Random Diary Entry

There are a lot of things I would like to share with people. To explain to people that I like. I’d like to say why am I so scared to coming to close with them, or why I joke about suicide 24/7. I just don’t think that those essays about my idiocity will be appropriate in the situations. I don’t think I’ll ever share something that deep inside me with anyone of them. I don’t want to think I’m weird or to be scared. I want to see smiles on their faces and hear their laugh and I’d like to share something back, but I cannot give anything. Atleast anything nice or funny. Maybe I’m just too bad as a companion, haha.

I would like to share all I want with them, but I’m scared. I don’t want to think I’m weak or broken. Even if I am, there no need for them to know. Sometimes I imagine stuff like that In my head and it never sounds good, huh. Maybe I just miss something important.

Funny how many aspects of my life still feel the same way although multiple years have passed. Guess some things never change.

I woke up at 5 AM in the morning and started planning out my schedule of the day lying on my bed. But the moment I got out of my bed I realized I had already lost 3 hours of my scheduled time. It's 8 o clock !!!

Sleeping woefully to awake and relive it.

You used to wrap your arms around me on nights like this

Whisper in my ear

You tell me none of it is real.

I roll over to an empty bed and colder hands

My knees scrape the ground thinking about you giving someone else the name that was supposed to be mine

I fear you're wrong this time.

I keep the door unlocked in case you change your mind

I wait for your silhouette everynight.

Your reflection, a cradle of false promises.

- A.L

The voices are telling me to go back to the land of sheep, cobblestone houses, beautiful gothic buildings and ginger beer. I do not understand why I am so fixed on England, I just am. I am currently thinking about running there, where-ever in that beautiful country, and leaving the future I have in my state. Maybe for a year but hopefully forever. I can’t think of anything I would like better than being there.

Speed sheep, come back please