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tw: mentions of ableist thoughts, mentions of self harm
I have been resistant to accepting the extra accommodations and help that I am eligible for, because i was really scared of being seen as stupid. i was forcing myself to use unhealthy coping mechanisms to get the stuff done, and it didn't always work, but i felt somehow superior to others struggling with the same issues because i was taking the maximum amount of subjects, and refusing extra time and extensions.
i thought that by waking up at 4am to get my work finished i was somehow better than other people.
i got to a really bad place where i was struggling so much to concentrate that i would deliberately hurt myself before assignments or exams. so whenever i got distracted or tired i would never be able to ignore the pain or discomfort i was in, and that would remind me that i was supposed to be working.
this was, obviously, wildly unhealthy.
anyway, this year i was given extra time in my exams and assignments for an unrelated issue, and oh my god it was so good. even when i was worried about the exams i was never stressed about time. i came out of my rmps exam without feeling like i was going to throw up for the first time ever! i finished my biology assignment in record time because i wasn't paralysed by stress and indecision.
when i go back to school next week i am going to talk to my teachers and advisors about accepting the extra help i am eligible for, because i've realised that i don't win any prizes for finding it harder than others and persevering despite it. everyones grade transcripts just say what grades they acheived, it doesn't say how they felt or what extra help they required.
accept the help you need. you're suffering does not make you superior.