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I feel as if there's nothing to look forward to and I am feeling this after my high school ended.......WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
i wish i were better at goodbyes.
yesterday was the last time i'm going to see you for a while, if not forever. not that i don't want to see you anymore - quite the contrary, you were (are) the biggest reason for me to wake up in the mornings. but now i'm leaving and you'll be gone, and i'll miss you. so so much. hell, i missed you when we said goodbye at the end of the day and i watched you making your way to the subway station, even with the knowledge that you'd text me that evening, to wish me a good night and that i'd see you the next morning, in school. these three months will be hell, and the years after, even more.
and what upsets me the most is the fact that we didn't even say goodbye. we stood there, awkwardly, in the middle of the volleyball field, with my best friend by my side and your girlfriend by yours and we just looked at each other.
you smiled. i tried to, but i had to turn my head so you wouldn't see me crying. i looked at you with tears in my eyes and you said "don't" softly, and that made me want to cry more. i said "yeah", and you smiled again, said "well", and waved. i nodded. you turned, took her hand, and left.
i started crying.
that wasn't a goodbye. that was an awkward standing contest, with your girlfriend as the judge. i could tell she was so annoyed because she had to be there. and i wanted to ask you for a hug, but i didn't have the courage. not while she was there. i don't want to be a problem, even though i probably am at this point.
i wish we could have said our goodbyes in the hall. just the two of us. you could have played brahms for me. i could have given you a hug and cried on your shoulder while you comforted me. that would have been a goodbye.
instead i just stood there in the middle of the volleyball field until i was hit on the head by a volleyball.
it was raining. the sky was crying with me.
i wish you were better at goodbyes.