Growing Up - Blog Posts

I don't know if anyone cares but I just passed my permit test! This was a huge milestone for me as my depression and anxiety has impacted my life in such a debilitating way. Passing this test has made me excited for the first time in a long time and I can see myself a bit farther on the future having a job and going back to school. I'm so happy I can't even right now!!

Do you ever think about how as you grow older you stop seeing lady bugs?

Bon. Demain je d'emménage. Je suis à la fois pressée, triste (je suis chez mes parents actuellement), stressée, contente... Bref, pas sûre d'avoir une nuit reposante 😅

C'est dur d'être adulte 😭

Me right now :

👆 This. I whole heartedly agree.

my boy..................................

look at this boy………………..

my dear sweet boy………………………………..

you used to attack Izuku out of the blue, constantly, and now you think of it as “twisted”

you’ve grown up enough to realize how messed up that is

(perhaps not in reference to himself yet, but he’s getting there. this shows it.)

he’s growing up…………………………………

he’s empathizing with others, he’s showing an understanding of other’s emotions, he remembers how it felt for him to feel looked down on–he remembers how it felt when he believed Izuku looked down on him for ten years, to lose to Izuku while believing that, to fight against Todoroki and have him not even try, to earn an award he didn’t win, he remembers all of this and is applying it to this situation

he knows that if they just subdue these kids without taking these things into consideration, nothing will be accomplished, because he’s been on the opposite end of it before

he understands the frustration and anger of losing to someone who looks down on you better than anyone else here.

AND NOT TO MENTION, HE RECALLS HOW HE REACTED TO LOSING IN THE EXAM. HE REMEMBERS HOW HE CAUSED EVERYONE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE WITH HIS ANGER, AND ACKNOWLEDGES THAT.

HE’S REMEMBERING PAST LESSONS AND PUTTING THEM INTO ACTION HERE.

HE REMEMBERS HOW HE LOOKED DOWN ON IZUKU FOR ALL THOSE YEARS. HE REMEMBERS HOW HE LOOKED DOWN ON EVERYONE, BELIEVING HIMSELF TO BE THE BEST, SEEING HIMSELF IN THIS BRATTY LITTLE KID AND TRYING TO TEACH HIM THE SAME LESSONS HE LEARNED.

HE REMEMBERS WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO THINK YOU WERE THE BEST AROUND, TO THINK NOTHING OF THOSE AROUND YOU UNTIL THEY’VE BESTED YOU. THE STRUGGLE REALIZING YOU’RE NOT THE BEST, THE LONG ROAD HE WAS ON TO ACCEPT THAT, TO REALIZE THAT HE’S NOT THE BEST AND HE DOES HAVE WEAKNESSES.

TO FINALLY BECOME AWARE OF THOSE WEAKNESSES AFTER YEARS OF SELF-DELUSION AND ACCEPT THEM.

ALSO. BAKUGOU, MR. NEVER-JOINS-IN IS MAKING THIS KID JOIN IN ON THE FUN. BECAUSE HE RECOGNIZES HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR THESE KIDS TO BOND AND FORM RELATIONSHIPS TOGETHER, THAT BEING A LONER THAT LOOKS DOWN ON EVERYONE DOES NO ONE ANY GOOD. ESPECIALLY YOURSELF.

AND NOW…………………………..

HE’S FREELY GIVING ADVICE. TO THIS KID HE’S NEVER MET BEFORE. BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO, TO TEACH THIS KID WHAT HE’S LEARNED, SO HE DOESN’T GO DOWN THE SAME PATH BAKUGOU DID. 

in the past, Bakugou gave advice only when prompted…. but here, he’s giving it freely. no one is asking him. no one wants comfort or advice. instead, he’s imparting the lessons he’s learned through the whole series so far onto this kid, because he understands. he’s been there.

he was once that dumbass kid who thought he was the biggest hotshot around, who looked down on everyone, who never saw his own weaknesses, who felt looked down on all his life through misunderstandings.

he knows what’ll happen to this kid if things aren’t stopped; he’ll become just like Bakugou was.

so Bakugou is doing his best to teach this kid otherwise.

GOD I LOVE THIS KID

BONUS:

BAKUGOU ACTUALLY LAUGHING AT CAMIE’S TODOROKI ILLUSION BECAUSE HE THINKS IT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS AND IS TRYING HIS BEST NOT TO LAUGH HIS ASS OFF AND UTTERLY FAILING

(also, Bakugou calls her “Mrs. Illusion” instead of a degrading nickname in reference to her physical appearance, showing he respects her. and he’s calling Todoroki by name now. my son is growing up

i’m cry)

Fun fact: even moving out of an objectively harmful environment is scary. Change is scary. I can't really neatly define what I'm feeling as depression, but there's something that has me pausing before I enter my room because of just how empty it is. More and more my parents are getting used to the idea that I'll be gone; I guess I ensured that by picking up a house sitting job and staying weekends elsewhere so I could get to work on time, but still.

I get my new key on Thursday.

I'm excited to have freedom and be able to exist without having eggshells under my feet, but it's also so terrifying. I haven't been able to get out of bed on days I don't have work, just because there's no schedule, no one to enforce it. What am I supposed to do?

It'll all be OK, eventually, but right now it's a lot for me.

Here's to freedom, let's pour one out for childhood.

I'm goanna be so honest, I've been feeling weird these past few weeks. I'm regressing more, I'm falling into these periods of weird grief and sadness, but I've also had these high points where I'm genuinely happy. It's so weird to not be floating all the time, but it just makes the times when I am noticeably more intense. I know it has something to do with me gaining freedom and it's over all a good thing! I know I have support to help me through my inevitable spiral from being let out of such a constantly traumatic space, but at the same time it's really uncomfortable. I end up being at one extreme or the other right when it's inconvenient and I can't really fix it? Like I'm losing some of my masks. I dunno, transitions are hard

Me at 13: ugh all these girls are soooo drama, I am different. I don't even wear pink and listen to pop songs. I guess I am 'not like the other girls'.

*cringe*

Me at 17: loves pink, doesn't like jeans and wears dresses and skirts, watches chick flicks, listens to mainstream pop, worships Taylor Swift, waits for the MET gala every year, loves gossip, watches Chanel, Dior, Balenciaga fashion shows, watches video essays on celebrity culture and media, follows fashion historians, hates sports, hates video games, hates most "boyish" activities and wishes I was in a Jane Austen novel or a Nicolas Sparks movie.

Me: I guess I am the other girls I used to talk about

But honey, I was born with the world crumbling around my mother's hospital bed

I grew up stepping around the shards with childish innocence

If you didn't want me to take up weapons,

you shouldn't have shattered the world with yours.

Among the stars on a Friday afternoon (2022)

In another universe, I am seven and rolling down a hill with my childhood best friend. Grass stains are quickly appearing on our clothes and not a single hair is still in place. I giggle when I reach the bottom and wish for this to moment to never end. I wish for a lifetime of rolling hills and a girl with freckles more beautiful than the stars.

Something I learned today:

The death of joy and whimsy and all things related to happiness is adulthood.

I'm growing up too fast and my (seasonal) depression isn't helping my odds at being hopeful.

If you're a younger teenager, make sure to hold onto this years with an iron grip and squeeze out every bit of joy from it as you can.

You're gonna need it.

Do the thing, eat the food, ask for help, live the experience and never say no to something that sounds cool (unless it's actually dangerous/goes against your beliefs).

Don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Live your life and be as happy as you can, every little piece of joy counts.

i don't care what jang wonyoung does, i will defend her forever 🩷

T-Minus 21

Twenty-one guns in a sudden burst

he is number six and comes with

a false sense of security and unexpected

endings at no extra cost

run through the flowers to fall off the cliff

  Twenty past birth and settling too young

he is number five and he is easy he is

there he is sweet and he is kind

but he is not wanted

there is no hurt when the time runs out

  Nineteen and accelerating fast

he is number four and he is nothing she

has known before or ever expected

it’s only perfect to a point

so the crash and burn is all the harder

  Eighteen is self-centered and self-loathing

he is number three and he makes her feel

good but he is nothing that she wants

and little that she needs

it breaks her heart to crush his devotion

  Seventeen owns naivete in every color

he is number two and he takes the pale pink

of unearned trust and stains it dark red

with sudden abandonment

it is her first lesson in one-sided love

  Sixteen sweet doesn’t know any better

he is number one and he is her sun

and she is burned by his brilliance

brightness masking flaws

he is the high that will always be chased

  Fifteen to One and more lifetime lived

than the rest combined but somehow less

if they knew what was coming

Perhaps

they wouldn’t have rushed.

In order to understand why the people were screaming

I broke the rose colored glasses placed over my eyes by my parents

Uncovered my ears for the first time and listened to their words

I heard Mother’s crying for their children daughters begging their fathers to protect them

Women asking if it is okay for them to live cause there is only so much they can give

I saw children dying for simply going to school while the adults around them preached about the benefits of having a gun

I watched boys have fun as they joked about reporting a classmate to ice when they have never had to hide from the consequences of their hate

The pain of the world resonated deep within my soul it clung to me and seared my skin as if it were boiling tar

I tried to go back but glass had turned to rose petals and despite there soft appearance they cut my hands

I braved the pain as petals caught a flame melting the frame then heat melded metal and skin a permanent reminder there is no going back

I tried to cover my ears but my hands disappeared suddenly at my side I couldn’t will them to cover my eyes

The screams became louder and soon they were all I could hear the only solution was to scream louder to cover up my fear

Now I am one of the people screaming

While kids younger than me wonder why I am screaming

I feel like it should be okay to look back at the dumb shit you liked as a teen and just accept you were cringe and didnt know any better, like yall with your oncler addiction, while i never had one i did have a big liking for sans (i know yes that included horrendous aus im very not proud of it) but like we were dumb kids and its funny to look back on stuff we thought was the coolest after maturing a bit and being like "you know what this is garbage and i was just a dumb kid who had unrestricted internet access and didnt know better lol" yknow

When I was 10 yo, I used to admire young adult who laughed with their friends in shops, who were cool and carefree and independant.

And now, I have friends with whom I feel comfortable enough to laugh heartily even though I know I sound stupid. I live on my own in a new city. I'm about to study what I love the most. I love the way I dress and I look (most of the time).

I have become the person I admired when I was younger... and that feels so good.

growing with the seasons of change

Contemplating Life?

Funny how time flies right. During lockdown I was just a mere girl entering high school oh the time passed now next year I'll be graduating from high school. There are still many things I wish I had done, many things I wanted I have said, many decisions I shouldn't have taken. It's funny how fast you grow in just 4 years.

I remember begging God for many things and after receiving them there was still a pain due to it yes there was happiness as well but it wasn't as satisfying as I imagined. If I get a chance to redo will I do it?

when charles bukowski said, "and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?"

Adulting

We become adults when we stop blaming others for our problems

When your bro gets married and you only took one picture of them? What? Way to go, me. Anyways, I’m so happy for you guys, I know that God made you for each other, and that He will bless you, your marriage, and your life if you keep Him at the head. Congrats Duncan on winning such a wonderful, beautiful, funny gals heart, and Becca for securing a strong, loving, caring guy. I’m so happy that you took this step in honoring God and yourselves. Congrats fam

I was raised thinking eating raw tofu is normal and I still like it with ketchup

knowing that we’ve grown as people, and gone our separate ways, but being burdened by the knowledge that I once knew everything about them. going through life and seeing the little of things that remind me of them, and feeling that sharp feeling of nostalgia of what once was.

it reminds me that there was a time where I knew all of them, it saddens me that I no longer do. I hope they’re happy.

You shouldn't keep reminding yourself how old you are.

Sure, you can always reminisce about when you were a kid, how weird it was that you were pre-pubescent. But being stuck in the past and awe-stricken by how young you were doesn't help, because you're getting older as you think about that. You don't have time to daydream about your childhood, unless it's for self reflection and improvement, because you have to keep moving. You're not even that old now, you just think you are because you're jealous of all the time the kids have left compared to you while in actuality you have just as much time as they do to chase your dreams, because you're not an arthritis-struck old lady yet.

thank you.

Growing Up

You are three asking your mother when will you be four / You are four and full of life and cartwheels / You are five and love everything other than the unbearably flashy rhinestone dress / You are six and scrawny which also translates to being an easy target to bullies / You are six and you befriend the guy who locked you in the playground because he wanted to see a little girl cry but instead, you climbed over a wall three times higher than you / You laughed in his face as his friends ran away, scared of a little girl kicking their asses / Why am I always small? Why do I always have to be strong? / You are seven and great at skating / You are seven and you used the word upside-down when reading Tom Sawyer and you are so proud of yourself for knowing it / You are eight and love life / You are eight and you love life / You are eight and love life / You are eight and you love books and travel and that one time you walked out of the train station when dawn was just breaking / You saw the prettiest sky of your life; a sky so blue and so dark and so light that it stole the drowsiness right from your eyes / I know you still wake up early in hopes that the sky will one day walk down the memory lane with you / You are nine and you swear the house is so big you will get lost here / You imagine playing hide and seek for hours on end here; swear that you almost forgot where the rooms go / You are ten and the house is not so big anymore / It is full of life and things / You are always somewhere / There is a summer there I spent visiting the hospital / I don’t quite remember now / Hospitals sometimes start to feel like home now / Eleven is a happy blur: I love everyone and everyone loves me / Eleven is happiness: I knew everyone and everyone admired me / Twelve is blue and black; there were moments I lived through that I never knew I would miss / Thirteen is a lot of carrying friendships I don’t like / Fourteen is a lot of sighs of relief; of friendships left behind and the year of growing before everything goes to shit / Fifteen is a lot of fun and not remembering things that hurt us; things that haunt us / Fifteen is fun and shenanigans with newfound friends you like enough / Sixteen is hard work / Sixteen is a lot of fighting and sometimes fun / Sixteen is for the bitch face and cuts / Sixteen is a lot of wondering what you’ve become / Sixteen is fake friends and smiles which will ruin you / Sixteen is the year of silly crushes on boys who think the world revolves around them / Sixteen is a lot of “I am almost an adult” / Sixteen is for parties and the time your life was as perfect as those IT kids in the movies / Sixteen is a lot of cold air on your face and feeling this city become home / Seventeen is for survival / Seventeen is for keeping your head down / Seventeen is for breakdowns / Seventeen is the time you snap and take a stand / Seventeen is having your own back / Seventeen is very alone but that’s okay / Seventeen is a lot of cussing and spiraling / Seventeen is for the nightmares / Seventeen is for closures / Seventeen is survival / Seventeen is for the big fuck you which is never said / Seventeen is for winning / Seventeen is for winning / Seventeen is so many goddamn wins / Seventeen is a big fuck you that escapes as a smile / Eighteen is relief / Eighteen is the growing up that sneaks up on you / Eighteen is acceptance / Eighteen is so much happiness / Eighteen is how everything is okay and everything is home / Eighteen is the year of being childish and loving it / Eighteen is a lot of love and happiness / Eighteen is a goddamn dream / Eighteen is doing everything you love and telling it to its face / Eighteen is dreams come true / Eighteen is growing up and growing up and being okay with it / Eighteen leaves with patience / Eighteen is a lot of learning to stay / Eighteen is fading yet forever / I am always going to be eighteen in some parts /

Neverland

"I don't want to die."

I pull the little girl in closer, resting my head on hers.

"We still have time," I say, as I stroke her head. She sobs into my shoulder.

"Why can't I stay anymore?" she asks. "Did I do something wrong?"

I laugh. "No, you've been wonderful."

"Then why do I have to go!"

I close my eyes, wondering how I can possibly explain that which I don't know.

"Why don't we play a game?" I finally say.

The girl's eyes light up, as if both her eyes are stars. "Which one?"

"Whichever one you'd like."

"I want to make a potion."

She stands up and starts gathering twigs, leaves, berries, flowers. She heaps them all into a hole in the ground and mixes them together, spouting random words she heard me practice for French.

"What kind of a potion is it?" I ask, looking into the slimy goop.

"You'll see." Her face is scrunched up in concentration as she continues to swirl the ingredients. "Now give me your hand."

"Why?"

"Because I need it," she says as she leans over and grabs it. She then dips her fingers into the potion and sprinkles it all over my hand and her own.

"There, now we're ready!" she says, obviously very proud of her work.

The midnight bell begins to chime. People burst into the space, hooks and daggers at the ready, waiting for the final stroke.

The little girl looks up to me, scared. "Is it time?"

I try to stay strong. I really do, but I can't help but cry. "Yes."

She crawls into my lap, brushing the tears from my eyes. "You'll remember me, won't you?"

I hold her tighter, desperate for her to stay. "I promise."

She smiles as the final bell rings out and the horde of adults comes for her.

"No!" I scream as they drag me away. "Leave her alone!"

They don't hear me, or at least pretend not to as they stab her. Kick her. Punch her. Harm her in every way conceivable, until there's almost nothing left of her.

I'm dropped on the other side of big, thick doors. I scramble back, clawing at the lock.

"Let me go back!"

One of the adults turns me around to face them, a big smile on their face. "Playtime's over, dear," she says as she drags me away. 

"It's time to grow up."

I knew homesickness was a really thing, but no one ever told me how much it hurts.

when i grow up i wanna be an astronaut

One of the things you do with your siblings is talk about all the stuff that your parents do that make you upset behind their backs like a sibling therapy session.