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Jackie: Mufasa’s death made me cry again
Anti: it’s okay, he’s not a real horse it’s just a cartoon
Jackie: HORSE?
Anti: to be fair I’ve never seen it
Jackie: ITS CALLED ‘LION KING’???
Chase: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait. Jameson, signing: You and me!!! Chase, tearing up: Okay.
Chase: So that’s my plan. Anti: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean. Chase: No, go ahead, I want to hear it. Anti: It fucking sucks. Chase: That’s not constructive criticism.
Anti: why do I have to be the evil one?
Marvin: I don’t know. Why am I the pretty one? We all have our roles
Henrik, filling out a medical form: what’s your middle name?
Jackie, concussed: Danger
Marvin, rolling down the window: what seems to be the problem, officer?
Cop: get the FUCK out of my car
Chase: at least I’ll die doing something I love
Jackie: and that is?
Chase: dying
Henrik: that’s a horrible christmas present
Jackie: trust me, he’ll love it.
Later:
Jameson, trying to cuddle all fifteen roombas: THANK YOU I LOVE MY CHILDREN
Jackie: would you rather fight a hundred kindergarteners-
Anti: I wanna fight kindergarteners!
Jackie: that’s not even the full-
Anti: those kids are gettin slapped!
Anti: have some holiday flair, man.
Chase: that’s not flair! That’s a knife!
Anti: ho ho homicide
Jameson: uh oh! Someone’s under the mistletoe!
Anti, cornered in the garage: *hisses*
Marvin: what is toothpaste, if not bone soap?
Jackie: existence is a prison and being your friend is maximum security.
Jackie: anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!
Anti:
Anti: Jackie
Anti: ILL SEE YOU IN HELL
Jackie, smacking him with a broom: TELL THEM WHO SENT YOU
Henrik: when I first met you, I did not like you.
Anti: I know
Henrik: but then you moved in and we hung out for a bit
Anti: uh-huh..?
Henrik: it did not get better
Marvin: don’t worry, he won’t trace it back to us.
Jameson, signing: are you kidding? Henrik always traces stuff back to us. He traces things to us that we didn’t even do!
Anti: why do people assume the worst of me?
Jameson, signing: it saves time
Henrik: the egos are competent!
Chase, running in: Henrik! I tried to make spaghetti in the coffee pot and now everything is broken!
Henrik: you need to eat healthy.
Marvin: no
Henrik: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after I suggested it died.
Marvin: oh my goodness
Henrik: in a plane crash
Marvin: that sounds unrelated
Henrik: I’m the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me
Chase: why do you always wear so much black? Are you going to a funeral?
Anti: yes
Anti: yours
Anti: I hate you.
Jameson, signing: no you don’t
Anti, bitterly: no, I don’t.
Marvin: I wanna kick the ratatouille rat
Chase: what?
Marvin, quietly: I’ll drop kick the shit out of him
Anti: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before, are there rules?
Chase: what?
Anti: is there a point system, or is it to the death?
Marvin: i don’t sweat
Henrik: everyone sweats?
Jackie: not Marv. He never sweats
Henrik: what do you mean “he never sweats?”
Marvin: sweating is gross. So I don’t do it.
The egos: Jameson is too babey to swear
Jameson, in his room carving pumpkins: shit to do, fucks to give
Jackie: you know that feeling you get to hit your siblings when they enter the room?
Anti, smacking Chase: Cain instinct
Anti, scurrying across the kitchen floor with his little raccoon hands at three am: WHERE is the appley juice
Marvin, fending him off with a flyswatter: JACKIE THE CREATURE IS BACK
Chase: love is cheap.... but this booze is cheaper
Marvin, concerned and looking into Chase’s bottle: this is just vinegar
Henrik: you just killed five people! What do you have to say for yourself?
Anti: oops?
Henrik: there’s no such thing as a stupid question.
Jackie: what’s in mango salsa?
Henrik: I stand corrected