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Letting Go - Blog Posts
Dear [Redacted],
I honestly don’t know how to start this, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be quite long. Hope you don’t mind.
Not a single day goes by that you don’t occupy my mind; thoughts of what we had and how if i’d done some things differently we might have had longer together. I genuinely believe that with you, it was the right person, wrong time, wrong place. In college I couldn’t love you the way you deserved, and now I can, but I spend most of my time on the other side of the country, and we barely talk.
I constantly find myself daydreaming about getting you your favourite flowers, and holding your hand, and kissing you. God, how I wish I would’ve had the confidence to kiss you. I should’ve done it. I wanted to so badly. The day you lay in my arms and almost fell asleep as I was playing with your hair? I wish I’d tilted your head up and asked if I could kiss you. I wonder if things would be different if I’d have had the courage.
Northampton has a performing arts degree. Well it’s called “Acting for stage and screen” but it’s basically performing arts. And there’s a theatre literally not even a five minute walk from my current accommodation. You wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve imagined you coming here and us being together and being able to pursue our dreams in the same space. Little coffee dates where I read novels and you memorise scripts. The sun shining through your hair in the spring and summer. Honestly you must be so so blessed by whatever almighty force there is to be so beautiful, and for that beauty to only be enhanced even more when you’re in the sun.
It’s funny to think about how a few months ago I would have let you kill me. And I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean that if you had a knife in your hand, I’d bare my neck on instinct. I would sit obediently with your shotgun to my skull. I wouldn’t even bring up my hands to stop blows to my ribs. I would let you dismember me. Skin me alive. Bite until the skin tore. Touch me in my sleep. It makes me feel so meek but then I remember I love like a dog. Beautiful and wretched as that may be.
And I did love you. I might still do. I tried to move on, but nothing’s felt the same since. It’s like as soon as we broke up, you took half of my soul with you, leaving what was left to wither up and die. A bit dramatic but it’s true.
If you asked anything of me, I’d come running. I should’ve done that the entire time, but I didn’t.
It’s been about a year and a half since we broke up. Your birthday isn’t in my calendar anymore. It feels like a piece of me is missing.
That time in your living room at your birthday party when we held hands properly for the first time, with your arm wrapped around me and me leaning on your shoulder. As soon as your skin touched mine, I knew it was over for me. I was entirely yours. Now, I am a demanding creature. I am selfish and cruel and extremely unreasonable. But I was your servant. If you starved I would’ve fed you, if you were sick I would’ve tended to you. I would have crawled at your feet. I would have, if I had been braver and loved you the way I wanted to. Before your love I was debased. For you alone I was, and am, weak.
I never did tell you how proud I am of you. The night I got to see you on stage, I was utterly speechless. Perfect doesn’t even begin to describe how you were. As soon as you stepped on that stage, I couldn’t take my eyes off you, even if you weren’t the main person performing. And when you went off again all I could think of was when I would see you next. I should’ve held you afterwards, kissed the side of your head and told you how proud I am of you. You put in so much hard work for it, all while being sick and not knowing what was wrong, and you did incredibly. That whole night the only thing that was going through my head was how much I loved you. But I never told you.
Before the show started as well, when people were getting ready. I was talking to one of the then second years, and you came by, obviously distressed and anxious. I should’ve ended my conversation right then and gone to you, holding you and telling you that everything would be okay and that you would do amazing. But I didn’t. I just watched you out of the corner of my eyes. Even then I knew I was making the wrong decision. I still regret it.
I dream about taking you on a picnic. A flower field or an apple orchard or a grassy meadow in summer. But I don’t know of any near either of us so I’ll have to stick to my imagination. No-one around so we can truly be ourselves, the sun shining on us as I fed you grapes. Or whatever your favourite fruit is. I’ve forgotten. The sun shining through your hair, making you glow. Your eyes bright with happiness. I think it would be perfect. I hope you would agree.
Honestly I only want for one thing now, even though I know it’s probably impossible.
I want you to want me as I want you. Desperately. I want to make you shiver from my touch. I want to hear your voice, breathless and shaky. I want you to say my name like a prayer. Full of devotion. I want to bind together our bodies, intertwine our bones. I want you to devour me. To watch you strip off all layers of my being and digest every single piece.
But I ruined the chances of that happening too soon.
If I’m ever brave enough to give you this and you do read it, I hope you don’t think I’m weird lol. I hope you realise that you still own half of my soul, and that there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about you and what we had, and how I should’ve treated you. I regret so much and I just wish I had a chance to love you the way you deserve and to show you how amazing you are.
There’s so so so much more I want to say but I can’t find the words.
You’ve always had that effect on me, making me speechless.
You’re incredible.
Love, yours
If I promise to not call it love. Do you promise to stop asking me to let you go?
She’s almost gone.
Liberated from a house that has tortured her for two decades.
Still she remains trapped in her habits, for it has always been so easy to pin it on circumstance.
An adamant refusal to acknowledge that the issue (and solution) resides within.
This will surely be a Brutal recognition
letting go of the image i had of you
In the gallery of memories, shadows of you reside,
A canvas painted with moments, emotions we could never hide
Time tears apart the cloth that was once our relationship, threads of letting go,
Unraveling illusions, releasing what used to glow
Your image, once framed in the corridors of my mind,
Fades like a sunset, leaving any nostalgia behind
Every stroke of acceptance, gives me a brush of grace,
I release the past, in my heart's sacred space
The portrait of us, a masterpiece in its own right,
Now gives off warmth and light at night
Bitterness still lingers, but just the echoes of a song,
A melody of change, as I move along
For in the chapters of tomorrow, I'll find,
A canvas anew, where serenity is enshrined in an image that is not you
*poem written by me*
Many of you have asked what motivated us to change our ways. From a lifetime of super conservative thinking to becoming open minded and playful.
Onwards we ride
After some good thinking, I came to a conclusion. I've had kinda enough of suffering and tormenting my mind, so I thought maybe having a good talk with myself. Through it I decided that, even if it was hard to admit it, it was time to let go of some people, and of old pains. Yes, I've been hurt, and I did some mistakes in the past cuz of it, and I don't justify them. But now? I know I'm fighting, and so I'm sure it'll hurt (like every war does) but samewise, I know it's for a good cause and reason, so I'm ready to smile at the pain and take it out, and find peace in my endeavors. And yes, I'll miss some people, but I gotta accept I'm not responsible for everyone's fate, so I'm happy I got to share a part of my life with them. There's no denying that it's hard to accept the pain, especially when pressured, but it's the only way to let go and move on from it. And accept that ur trying to do better. Be at peace that rn, ur a better person, and u wanna fight for good...
LETTING GO
i've talked about this a little bit in one of my other posts, but I realized this was a very important topic — especially for people like me out here, who might've had a hard time with this concept, and so I wanted to expand on it and give my own two cents.
the concept of "letting go" has been taught to most — if not all — of us by life long ago before any of us even found shifting. if you don't like a situation, "let it go". do your best, and "leave the rest and don't fixate on it". if someone you love doesn't respect you, "let them go". anything that doesn't serve you, "let it go". this is the one advice that got many of us through different situations. but everytime I ever came across a post saying "let go of your desire and watch it come to you", this quote always came to mind.
honestly, I couldn't for the love of God even think of letting go of shifting. I simply didn't want to. it felt like a betrayal to all the people I wanted to shift for, to myself, to my dreams — everything. I would think to myself "how do I not care if i'll shift or not? how do I not care about all these people in my dr I want to meet? I want to care. I have people I love, people I want to see, so how can I not care?", and it would make me so upset because I would see people talking about how they let go of it and it came to them. it almost felt like it was wrong to love, to care, to cherish this opportunity, and to want to be excited for it. I didn't want to "let go" and wanted to keep on holding forever. but then, I realized what the problem was. it wasn't my loving too much, caring too much, or anyone else's "letting go" of their desire to shift. the problem was my idea of what "letting go" means.
in any "normal" situation, "letting go" would mean "not caring" or "not giving your energy out where it isn't respected or celebrated". but. and a big but. when it comes to shifting, "letting go" has a totally different meaning.
• "letting go" in terms of shifting
to me, when it comes to shifting, "letting go" isn't about having an attitude of "if I shift, I shift. if I don't, I don't". while this can help some people, it's fairly hard for others to follow, because some of us WANT to shift and not even think about the "don'ts". so what letting go meant to me was being content where I am, because I knew that sooner or later — I will have what I want, because it is mine, and to stop trying to "make it happen" and simply just let it happen. because i'm a staunch believer that anything that happens, only happens for my own good — always, and if I found shifting, it was for a reason.
now, one could argue that both are the same, and I cooked nothing (lol). and yes, they might be. but. and a big but again. the difference is you CAN care about the people you want to shift for. you can be chalant, you can be obsessed with your dr, your s/o, anything — everything, and still shift. the point is being content. and you, yourself, have to give yourself the closure that whatever you want will be yours. because the feeling of being content always comes from within. don't force it, and take time to give yourself this closure. and care, and be excited, and be assured. you can be all of these things at the same time.
and if you're afraid of it being "not meant for you", then my dear friend, if it wasn't meant for you, I promise you, and I swear to God, it would've never found you. not in this lifetime, not in a million others. never. not EVER, okay? so rest assured that it is a hundred and ten percent meant for you. so, you don't have to grip it so hard you leave claw marks on it. it's right next to you, and that's how it'll stay. and if it "wasn't meant for you and still found you", it would've gone by now. it wouldn't have stayed. so "let go". be at peace. your dr awaits you, and you're going to make it.
and that's all. once again, if you don't understand anything, and want me to clarify, feel free to reach out.
Absolutely agree. You have to rid yourself and your life of people that do not support your goals and efforts to move forward and up 😘
growing and honoring your self surprisingly hurts a lot because you are unlearning, shedding, and constantly detaching from behaviors, identities, people that no longer serve a purpose - and that’s still felt as a loss. but it’s necessary in order to elevate. the loss of letting go of what is NOT meant for you however will never be harder than holding onto to that out of fear
Please let him go.
You were not meant to be this way.
You should be glowing, flowing through stars and space.
Not sitting tired in a corner, away from everything.
Away from life.
You have years ahead .
Millennias to conquer.
He is but a fleeting dream.
A flash in the evening sky.
Gone as fast as he came,
Never too close to feel the warmth.
So please let him go.
There's no way he'll come back.
Or think of you.
Or wish you'd wait.
He's gone on.
And now you should do the same.
Let him go.
For far more adventures await you.
And I promise your broken heart will feel less broken,
day by day.
Let him go.
Let him go.
Just let go.
You just walked away like that.
And took all of my words with you.
I am left with an empty pen,
and an even emptier heart.
Where do I go from here?
Back to the misery that I came from,
or the uncertain darkness that lay ahead.
Maybe I'll rest here for a while.
Under the fading glow of the moon,
with the silence of the sky to keep me company.
It's not that I can't move on.
I just want to linger here a little more,
to trace my fingers through the blurring outlines of our fates.
Let the dying sun go in peace.
And soon enough I'll be gone from your name too.
Till then say yes to the whsipers I've sent with the wind.
Tell me that it was a good story.
And that you loved me once.
Where do I bury the fragments of my heart that reminds me of you?
Beneath the stars, under the old and forgotten tree?
Or I could pick out a grave in the abandoned playground.
In the moonlight, with my bare hands I shall dig a grave in the soft earth.
There I'll put the bits and pieces of your traces in my life.
And I shall finally plant a pretty flower on its top.
In the silence of the night, my lips will find its way back to our favourite song.
Like a lullaby or a last goodbye,
I shall sing in soft tones till I can no more.
The ghost of your skin is still warm on my palms. Your scent lingering in the spaces between my fingers. My eyes are still on the last place that held your shadow. You've disappeared through the door that's still open. I can't bring myself to shut it, for fear that I might lose you forever then.
The moment stretches on and I can't feel anything except for this dull thumping of my heart.
It was a mistake to hold you so close and kiss you with love. And it was an even bigger mistake to hope that you kiss back. Mistakes that cut off our red strings of fate. And now, like autumn leaves in the cool breeze, our souls are drifting apart, blown away from the other to lands far from this place.
Calling this heartbreak would be cruel. This feels like death.
As I feel the colours in me drain away along with the warmth inside, I know you've killed me with your absence. Or perhaps your presence all along...
I know you will never return.
You won't ever come back.
I won't see you ever again.
And I won't see this me ever again too.
The sky is still sleeping outside. And soon the love in me will go to sleep as well.
They say empty vessels make the most sound. But the screams of my soul only come out as whispers against the silence of this dawn.
I've lost you and I've lost myself.
As the sky turns to a mixture of greyish pink, I stand at the same spot you left me. Wondering why everyone says love is beautiful, when it has been a painful poison all along.
We are a whole lifetime away.
Then why are we pretending to be closer?
With every hour that fades as the morning comes,
we move away from each other slowly.
Like the ticking of a tired clock,
the moments we stole are going too fast.
I never want to let go of your hand,
but when morning comes how do I make you stay?
I don't have any thing more to give you,
and all that you can say has already been said.
We knew we'll fade with the first sunrise.
But then why does letting go feel so much like dying.
I wish the night could stretch on for eternity.
Hold each other here under the soft moonlight.
We're meant to walk away from the other,
but our hearts can't help run back to each other.
There are a million stars in the sky tonight,
but there are a million more unshed tears in our eyes.
The horizon is starting to turn pink now.
Your hand is too warm to let go.
Sunrises are the most beautiful thing there is.
But not when it takes you away from me.
Let this sunrise come and go.
Maybe we can close our eyes and pretend the night is still young.
infinity is such a difficult concept to comprehend because humans aren't used to the idea of forever. everyday, something ends in our lives. we can't imagine anything not-ending that is real. our lives are defined by endings. anything related to us will aways end. we will die, another ending. infinity challenges the whole notion of the cycle of everything as we know it.
A Turkish saying
- a fault confessed is half redressed
Beloved, in the next birth my mind might forget you but my soul will not ;for it is entangled with yours. -)RB
Picture source: Pinterest
And I Let Go.
And today, I’ve decided.
That I will let go.
Let go of the past. Of all those fond memories.
No use reminiscing the past if it’s only bringing up sad feelings.
Look at what you just lost.
Ahhemmmm, I feel called out. I could write several books about … or …….. or …… or the love of my life that I thought would be with me and essentially couldn’t have at that time. Tristian, my love, darling I wish I could have adopted you. A small adorable kitten, you captured my heart at first sight, with minutes I knew that that was something I hadn’t felt before, I this short amount of time. I imagined a whole life together, me reading my book, and your gray fur and magnificent soul distracting me. Not in a way I would get annoyed but in way that brings a gentle smile upon my face. A way that I could be mesmerized by your soul existence.A way that sparks some warmth in this cold, emotionless heart. Now, I have no clue where you might be, don’t forget about me, for I love you. ❤️ You are a love I couldn’t possibly have. A love that will never be fulfilled.
„For you, I was a chapter. For me, you were the book.“
— Tom McNeal, A quote by Tom McNeal
Maybe all that we want is already taken— no matter how much we cry, yearn, lament, we never seem to get what we seek.
empty hands
there is no space between our hands yet all I feel is emptiness promising touches holding me and whispering I am safe I am allowed to lose control I am allowed to let myself fall
while all I touch are empty hands, fading through my skin, not able to carry a single finger of mine so how can I expect from you to carry my world, while you already gave up on yours?