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How Iโm starting to see myself (Iโve been craving cookies for the longest time)
Big Sheldon and little Sheldon.
Why do child molesters make such good music ?? Lock those mfs behind the bars of a studio instead ๐ญ๐๐พ๐๐พ
Entry #27, part 2
...until Yuri told us we were allowed to massage each others freely and as we wanted to. Raph asked me, if I wanted him to go on and take care of my shoulders, and of course I said yes. I mean, why should I miss out on a free relaxing program? XD As he was moving his hands along my back and shoulders, I closed my eyes and just listened to all of the sounds the kids around us made. Suddenly, I heard Yuri say my name, and thatโs when I started to listen to her. >>... and Mary looks like sheโs having the time of her life.<< HELL YEAH I WAS! It was so relaxing to have someone who genuinely cares about you sitting behind you... and so strangely unfamiliar, too. I donโt know, I guess I should find more people who care about me.
That afternoon, we met up again. But that time I needed help with math, and since he mentioned that he was good at it and we got along just fine (if you get the reference you get bonus points), I decided to ask him to help me. And he did! After we finished, we talked about music, and somehow drifted off, which led to him... hugging me. He. Hugged. Me. I cannot put into words how wanted I felt at that moment. More than I have for a very, very long time. Though, sadly I didnโt feel much... Anyways. About an hour after that, he went โhomeโ. I accompanied him, and when we parted ways, we hugged again.
On the 3rd, Raphโs little brother and the little sister from a friend of mine thought it would be funny to push Raphโs and my head together as to make us kiss.
...it didnโt work. XD
Nothing else happened, until I was going for a walk on the beach at night. It was about.. 7 pm, and already dark outside. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, hiding the stars and the moon, tainting the sea a deep, dark brown-ish black. The horizon itself was a fulfilling black, turning lighter the higher one looked at the clouds. I adored the sight. As I went, I talked to myself like I usually do. That eventually led to me crying, becoming aware of how absolutely useless I was to everyone around me, how much I disappointed the ones that cared about me in a seemingly whole other world, a timeline long forgotten... and I may have let myself go too much. I cried like I havenโt in a long, long, long time. I donโt know if it was good to let out my feelings or stupid because someone could possibly have listened to my sobbing... normally, if I do cry, I cry in company of someone I trust or care about. And up until that day, I was physically not able to. I donโt know why, but I could never cry on my own. There always had to be someone. But maybe... I didnโt feel alone that night? Maybe I felt as if someone was with me, even when they were not physically there? I donโt know, and I donโt think Iโll find out any time soon, but itโs definitely worth thinking about.
On the 4th, me and Raph went to the beach together at night. The stars were shining brightly, brighter than Iโve ever seen them sparkle, the moon was more beautiful than I had it in mind... everything just seemed a lot brighter and better. We talked for about an hour, then his mother told him to come back to their room. I loved having him as my company. Even if it was very cold, I was determined to stay with him. And so I did. I even stayed on the bench a few minutes after he left, talking to myself again. But soon, it was too cold, so I went up to my room, too.
The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th went without any notable events.
The 9th, though, was a good day for me. First, we went to a sports hall to do some sports. After that, we went back to the โdaycareโ and me and Raph just kinda... started cuddling? It was really nice, and time was going by way too fast, until... my commitment phobia kicked in. (I should probably tell you that I have commitment issues due to my HoRrIbLe past) I ignored it, tho, so I kinda forced myself into being happy, or feel comfortable... buuut that actually did the exact opposite. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but I ignored that too, so I could try and just let myself fall into the embrace, I guess? Honestly, I donโt regret it. I think I needed the cuddling, the intimacy towards another person. Something that I noticed was that he seemed very calm and relaxed. I think he enjoyed himself, too.
The next day was just stressful. I had to travel back home with ___ and my sister, and of course the two fought a lot. Anyways, that was the rest of my โvacationโ. More information on what and how Iโve been doing for the past week in the next entry!
Mary out!~
Entry #22, 11/5/19
Hello, everyone. Iโve found the time and ways to finally update. I got a laptop, and Iโm still figuring out how to actually work with it, but Iโm managing. At least I can continue writing my story without having to wait 5 hours for my computer to boot up and the program to start. I should probably add, that this is my first laptop since I could never really afford one, but my mother got this one (which was her old one before) fixed, and she has a new one. Hooray for me. Anyways. I wanted to let all of you (aka nobody in particular, just future me) know, that my tumblr app, which I used before to post and all, has an error that makes me unable to use it. Thatโs why I wasnโt able to post. But since Iโve got a solution for that problem now, I should be able to post more or less regularly.
Apart from that, not much has been going on. I am aware that Iโm not doing enough for school and I didnโt do my homework, I should probably study right now rather than updating here, but am I going to do so? No, of course not. Why? Well, mainy because I donโt want to. I should bring some dicipline into my life, I know, but who needs dicipline when they can have fun? Or at least not be annoyed or unhappy. My personal opinion is, that you should do what makes you happy, but you should also work for your happiness. Nothing is free in this world.
Ah, another day, another rant. but I should (rather want to) lay down in my bed now, and probably either read or draw. I wish everyone a good night, evening or morning, goodbye.
Today i finally packed away my winter clothing and got the spring/summer ones out, and i feel like i just reborn.
Im a changed man.
~ btw i feel sooo much better knowing that task has been done, i wanted to do it for weeks now
To everyone who is debating getting assessed-
Waiting for an ADHD diagnoses realising you showed a lot of symptoms as a kid is kinda hard especially when you realise all those times you were overwhelmed was completely valid. You're not overdramatic or lazy, you just needed more support and that's ok.
Growth
Growth is great until you slowly out grow people you thought would always be with you.
Changes
Being told you look happier than before is probably one of the best compliments that I have been given๐ฅฐ
Unchaperoned Thoughts #1
I have been thinking lately about what I want out of my life. Everything feels stagnant, but the only constant is me. I am the one who is holding me back. I am the one who hesitates on making the first move. I donโk know why, I just do. I know it doesn't make me happy, but I've been doing it so long its hard being social again.
I need to start trusting the fact that I am a likeable person and I deserve to be loved and be surrounded by people who appreciate me for who I am. Surround myself with people who challenge me to grow and change for the better. It doesnโt matter that some people wonโt like me or find me a bit weird, because they wonโt be staying in my life and thatโs fine.
So hereโs my first challenge:ย Find 3 people outside the people you know that you vibe with and accept you for you. There is no time limit take your time and try not to stress yourself out. Itโll be fine.x
So apparently I have social anxiety... Who would've guessed๐
๐ฏ๐๐น๐ถ๐ ๐ผ ๐๐๐ธ๐ธ๐๐๐น๐๐น ๐พ๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ถ๐ โก
I spent the last week preparing for it, reading textbooks while drinking coffee in the afternoons, romanticizing the process of studying, setting reminders to drink water.
I annotated my books, I highlighted the important parts, I wrote detailed notes on harder topics, revised everything and more. The more you read, the more sticks in your mind.
I prayed for my success.
I manifested picking a topic I could be good in. And it happened, to no one's surprise.
The written part didn't go the best, as I was in poor health then, and it was my first long exam (4 hours), but hopefully my oral exam bettered that.
The results will be in next week, and I can barely wait. I miss studying now, but soon the adrenaline will leave and I don't want to overwork myself, I need rest to recharge my mind.
Studying is good for your mind, especially when you reap the rewards of your hard and honest work. Being complimented by your teacher on your knowledge is just one of the world's best feeling. I feel happy with myself.
original picture from:
"What cannot be said will be wept"
~Sappho
Saying the truth aloud could free me from this burden.Or will it not?
It's all new to me,what I'm feeling does not fall under any of the categories I've explored so far. I've fallen in a deep calm, like a lake without shores.
All I've collected in my life so far surrounds me.
I can't tell its purpose.
It does not feel as if it's trying to drown me,or even coaxing me into drowning myself.
It's distracting and compelling.
A friend told me something which is not far from the truth.The lake promptly absorbed it,and I could not see the end of what its raw form meant to me,not as I would've intended to.
It all weighs heavy on my soul.
I'm transitioning from my self-created alter ago to what I believe is my true self.
Is it hurting?I can't tell.
True pain does not feel as this does.
Maybe I'm not in pain.
It's not an option I can exclude.
Let's wait and see how this longed metamorphosis will take place.
2021/19/01
2021/12/01
Maybe it's time to take a step back.
All I've built does not sit right with me anymore.
Everything I believed to be one of my key truths isn't actually what it should have been.
It made everything seem like a transient moment.
That's why I feel so lost.
I couldn't fathom this realization,my mind was keeping it from me until I was ready to welcome and accept it.
It is considerably unalike the way it felt years ago.
I feel void but so full and overwhelmed by my emotions.
My emotions.How strange it sounds to be able to openly display them both to my own self snd to others.
It makes me proud.
~
There's also hurt in there.
I can't shake this overwhelming flow of emotions that is burning within me.
I wouldn't give it up for anything in this world,neverthless I feel powerless.
I am supposed to start anew.How is that supposed to be done?
Am I still the person I believe I am?
Is there more that wants to come out of its abyss?
"Un solo sguardo e tutto รจ finito lรญ"
~Lacrime dal Cielo
There are two thing you can't fake or hide: the look in your eyes and your heartbeat.
May it be because they are connected to your spiritual self or because of a scientifically proven phenomenon,the true you knows that they will always be true.
They are truths that do not need to be proven.
They can't be concealed and you can't stop them from being conveyed to others.
It flows through that thin connection that surrounds us all and does not pass unobserved.
This allows you to let your trust reside in someone.
To let your emotions run freely.
To give it your all.
People are not made up of only one self,unfortunately.
As much as those things are true,they reflect the true essence and feelings of only one of their selves.
Their others selves are not obliged to uphold those truths.
Believe in them and believe in yourself as well. Good will surely come from it.
2021/08/01
Start,start,start...where to start....
The vibe around me has changed since the New Years.
Being aware of oneself is hard although seemingly doable as far as I've tried.Nonetheless,being aware of the people around you as well as everything that comes with the everyday life is not a joke.
Empathy makes part of it seem right,despite how much hurt I feel afterwards.
It's so tiring honestly.
The good thing turned to be that I actually accomplished the most important (almost everything) goals that I had set for myself in 2020.I'm a new person as a result of that.
There's still so much going on but my giddiness is obfuscating every thought.
Well,looks like I'll have something to ponder over the next month.
2021/01/06
Kai-yaking through life
Episode Two
16/09/24
Traveling to the other side of the world is both a terrifying and exciting experience. I made wonderful friends from both Italy and Quebec, and saw many gorgeous plays!
We also went boating and kayaking on a beautiful lake, and discovered many new things.
It was such an inspiring experience!
I'm waiting to see the others again to know how they see the future for the troupe, but even if the adventure together continues, it'll be rare to work because well, they're nearly all at university now.
I was expecting it, and had mused about what I'd do then already.
I decided to do theatre on my own, and maybe recruit others.
First of though, I think I'll go with a solo performance, but I've not given it much more thought as I'm waiting to adjust into my new routine of aromatherapy and singing lessons.
I'll update you with some more of my ideas and adventures soon!
Until then, stay you, and read you soon ๐ซง
-Kai ๐งญ๐