{ Para: Not Alone In The Dark || Jaxathan } - Blog Posts

beautifulburnout:

“He’s my little shadow,” Jonny agreed despite the stiffness of Jaxon’s words. He could still feel the tension and it felt like things were starting to bubble over. Maybe it was just that it was so obvious to him that Jaxon wasn’t comfortable around him. The first time he understood, and even when he got mugged things were a little weird but it just seemed like a continuing trend and it honestly made him worry. This was why he felt like he was forcing his company on Jaxon and why he offered him an out. He very much expected him to take it but when he brought up hanging out Jonny actually turned to look at him. He studied Jaxon’s features as he considered the offer. Was it just him being kind? But Jonny supposed if he didn’t want to hang out he would have taken the out. He was just surprised at the offer and it took him a moment to respond. “Peach vodka, huh?” He tucked his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels as if he was really considering things. But he smiled and gave a nod. “Yeah, I’m game. I wanna see how awful this vodka really is,” he chuckled and turned to look at the dogs once more. “Besides, imagine how sad they’d be if we cut their playtime short.”

jaxon could see the mix of surprise on jonny's face after his offer. he knew it meant that his behaviors, and the way he's been acting toward jonny hadn't been great. there was a twinge of guilt at the realization, but a feeling of helplessness along with it. how could he act towards jonny like they used to? after all this time? after all that pain? he tried not to think too hard about It at the moment. instead he just smiled at jonny, somewhat pleased at his acceptance. maybe this was when they should finally, actually, really talk. late at night, just the two of them, over a couple drinks... maybe it wouldn't be so bad. jaxon forced himself to not think too deeply about it, and to stay in the moment. to enjoy this moment. without ruining it by wondering, what if, what next, what now?  " yeah. peach vodka. ugh. a marine buddy gave it to me for my birthday. 'cause he thinks he's funny, " jax scoffed, shaking his head. " yeah. alright. cool. um... do ya just wanna follow me in my truck? "

beautifulburnout:

“The perks of not being a giant.” While the puppies played Jonny was tempted to just flop down in the grass and enjoy the conversation. But he had a feeling that Jaxon wouldn’t stick around long enough for that. It seemed like he was unwilling to get past the tension between them. Or was it that he didn’t want to? He supposed this was the complication of not talking for 10 years. At this point they had spent more time apart than together. Things couldn’t be the same again. The realization of that made Jonny ache. He knew Jaxon could read him like a book so Jonny turned, using the dogs as an excuse to not clue him in on how he was feeling. “Yeah well, Tanis falls on his face half the time he plays so they’ll have to take it slow eventually,” he chuckled and as if to prove his point his pup took a face dive but he was back on his feet in no time. Jonny rocked on his heels and glanced back when Jaxon responded about his knee. “Do more yoga and it’ll feel better,” he advised even though he knew there was something going through his mind beyond that. Jonny chewed the inside of his lip but he couldn’t keep silent on this forever. It just wasn’t his style. “So besides the knee what’s going on? If you really want to be alone I can take off,” he offered gently. He wouldn’t force his company on Jax and he was starting to feel like that was exactly what he was doing.

" he seems like a sweet dog. i bet he adores you, " jax offered, a little stiffly. and he hated it. this weird limbo wasn't ideal. and jaxon knew they'd have to talk about it, explicitly, eventually. because they'd either move past it and become friends again, or it would stall in this tension, neither of them making a step forward or step back. Maybe he should just make the decision to step away from whatever this was or was going to be. but that decision was too hard to make, especially after the realization that even ten years wasn't quite enough to quell the way he felt about jonny, or the connection between them. but could those two things coexist? could he survive that again? that was the unclear part of it.  " what? no. i mean... " he paused and furrowed his brow at jonny's offer. his tone was gentle, but he was blunt in a way that hadn't yet been with each other.  " i gotta get th' pups home soon. we've been out here a while... and, uh. well, i gotta make sure jamie doesn't get too worn out, and ginger doesn't get too worked up. " he shrugged and watched the dogs for a second, before glancing over at jonny.  " listen, uh... with you gettin' mugged and everything. we haven't really had a chance to hang out or, anything... i'm probably not going to bed any time soon, and i got this... awful bottle of peach vodka as a joke. the dogs can play in the backyard... if you wanna come over for a bit...? " he rubbed the back of his neck as he finally managed to get a clear question out. not that it should have been so difficult.

beautifulburnout:

“Pft, I can still run circles around you. I bet Tanis could too. Even with only 3 legs.” Jonny winked in response and there was no way he could suppress the smile on his lips. In moments like this he felt like he had his friend back. They were fleeting, because Jonny knew there was no way in hell things were okay between them, but it still felt good in those brief moments. He wondered if Jaxon felt the same way about all of this, or if he was just doing this for him. He wouldn’t put it past Jaxon to try and make him feel good. He was always putting other people first. “Jamie and Tanis have that in common then. He’s constantly excited,” he laughed and looked over at Jaxon just in time to see him stand back up. He didn’t want to think too much into things like that but Jonny was empathetic and Jaxon was one person who’s emotions he was always sensitive to. (Even if he did miss obvious things between them in youth). After a few pats to Tanis Jonny stood and shooed him off so he could play. “You okay?” The artist nodded at Jaxon’s knee, true concern written on his features even if that wasn’t what he thought was bothering him.

" yeah, that's probably true. bein' big doesn't really lend well t' bein' fast, " he chuckled lowly, the sound deep and rumbling in his chest. every now and then, there were these hints of the past. the ease and connection between them fighting to flicker back to steady life. it was a magnetism jaxon knew he couldn't deny. it went beyond even beyond his romantic feelings for jonny. they just... clicked. but the heartache made him shy away from whatever chemistry they still had. feeling hurt like that, again, after all this time... it wasn't an option. but he could enjoy the nostalgia a little longer, right?  " Jamie is... a lot. but he's still small and gettin' his strength up. so I can't let him play too hard for too long, " he explained, keeping an eye on the dogs and whistling when they started going too far. he smiled as tanis met up with them. Jamie was perfectly happy to incorporate tanis into their play, while ginger was a little more wary, following after him to sniff and check him out.  " huh? oh, yeah. just squatting for too long kinda hurts, " he shrugged, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jacket and pulling it a little tighter.

beautifulburnout:

Watching Jaxon and Tanis warmed Jonny’s heart. Sure, he expected to be alone when he came out here, but he wasn’t complaining. Jonny had a lot of mixed emotions and feelings about Jaxon right now but he still enjoyed talking to him and spending time with him. And let’s face it, even if he expected to be alone, Jonny much preferred having company. “We’ll just have to leave then. Since you had first dibs,” he teased back and nodded at Jaxon’s explanation. “Restless too. Both of us,” he gave a little shrug with a half smile. He knew Jaxon would understand. Jonny being stuck inside for days was usually not the best mix. “Are they okay with other dogs?” Jonny nodded towards Jaxon’s pups. “Tanis loves to play but he also thinks he’s as big as a Wolfhound,” he chuckled and crouched down to join in on the belly scratching.

" yeah, you better. 'fore I chase you off myself, " he joked, going only with jonny's teasing. but the gentle curve of his lips and the levity in his gaze rendered the words absolutely benign. there was something about it just being the two of them, so late at night, so off the beaten path... that felt too familiar to deny. he couldn't count how many times had they snuck off in the middle of the night, out to the lake, or the river, or the Yankees stadium parking lot, just to chill. and Jaxon's own internal environment disarmed him some. too tired from fighting his own shit so much, jaxon just didn't have the energy to fight against his emotions with jonny.  " yeah, they're good. Jamie gets pretty excited. but he's still kinda small. ginger is a lot more mellow. and she's a totally mama, " he replied. but as soon as jonny came close, jaxon tension crept back in. he hated that the instinct was the reach out and touch jonny's hand, and he hated even more that he so immediately recoiled from it. jaxon stood, pretending to stretch out his knee.

beautifulburnout:

It was odd that they kept running into each other randomly like this. But it didn’t bother Jonny. Even if he had mixed emotions about things between them he was still happy to see Jaxon. Jonny was admittedly more worried than he let on and he’d wanted to see Jax. Fate was on his side he supposed. “Yeah we gotta stop randomly running into each other like this.” As soon as he heard his name Tanis rolled onto his back and started wiggling for a belly rub. He loved attention a little too much. But a lot of people said that pets were a reflection of their owners. “Yeah that’s him,” Jonny shook his head at the goofy animal but smiled nonetheless. “And here I thought I’d have the park all to myself. Late night?”

The dark part of him wanted to be alone. he wanted to be left to stew in his own bullshit, and wallow in the crap he refused to deal with. but there was a lighter prick of hope at jonny's appearance that reminded him he's not alone. it was nice in a way he wasn't quite ready to admit. " hey, I was here first, " jax joked in response, leaning down on one knee to scratch at Tanis' belly.  " it's on you this time. " he smiled gently up at jonny before turning his attention back to tanis. the puppy was cute, and resilient, and seemed almost completely unaware of the fact that he was handicapped. jax admired that.  " night off. the dogs were restless and I didn't feel like just hangin' out at home. how 'bout you? "

beautifulburnout:

The clean scent that Vegas had wouldn’t last for long. The rain seemed to refresh the city and it was soothing to him. 2am was a little late for him to be out but Jaxon wasn’t the only one who was having trouble sleeping. He’d always been prone to insomnia but he figured this was just cabin fever. He wasn’t alone and when he headed for the door Tanis was right on his heels. Jonny hadn’t even bothered with a leash this late, no one would be in a park this far off the strip. Or so he thought. The jingle of collars caught his attention but Tanis shot off like a bolt after some toy that was flung their direction. Jonny went to run after his dog but a familiar voice had him stopping in his tracks. He squinted into the darkness and glanced at Tanis. Now that he knew it was Jamie and Ginger he was less worried but he still kept an eye on his pup. “Don’t you know there’s a leash law?” He called out with a smile in his voice. He let out a shrill whistle and Tanis slowly trotted towards him with his tongue lulling out. He was still worried for his little 3 legged dog verses excited pitties.

The voice was like a sense memory. One that made his heart thud and his tension ease back. But he shined his flashlight as the man's chest just in case. Huh. Imagine that. He wasn't anxious at the stranger anymore... but that was replaced by a complicated feeling he was still having trouble sorting out. "I gotta break the law somehow. Or my teenage self would be deeply disappointed in me," he replied with a gentle smile as jonny came closer. Jaxon pups had forgotten the game of fetch over wrestling with each other. He walked over to meet Jonny, to be able to see him without a flashlight. "Of all th' gin joints, huh?" he said as they got closer, and as Tanis came over. "Well hey, little baby. Tanis, right?" Jax asked, glancing up at Jonny as he crouched down to greet and pet the auburn puppy.

it wasn't an unusual night, not by far. as much as he tried to sleep normally on his days off, it just didn't work. and most times, he didn't want it to work. it was just... easier to sleep during the day. and the dogs hadn't been taken out in a while. sure, they had the backyard, but that wasn't the same as the park. and the world seemed scrubbed clean after the storm. other than feeling achingly alone, slightly broken, and on edge from a nightmare, it was kind of a nice night... 

he cocked his arm back and threw the ball across the wide, open lawn. his flashlight shined across the field, crossing briefly across a figure that surprised him. his heartrate leapt, and the appearance of another person only made him feel more on edge. some of that was eased as another dog ran after the ball and his own pups.  " hello? " he called out lamely, not wanting to ignore the other unknown person in the park at 2am.

@beautifulburnout