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Self Worth - Blog Posts
WARNING : Contains themes of self-hate, mild suicidal mention if you squint hard enough, and enough depression to give a dog a heart attack
"Yourself?" the alchemist raises an eyebrow behind his wire-rimmed frames.
You swallow, feeling embarrassed already, but nod.
"Yes, um, they're for me," you answer hesitantly, trying not to let him see how awkward you're feeling.
The alchemist surveys you with an unrecognisable emotion in his eyes that's either disgust or concern or confusion. Or probably even a mix of all 3. You really have no clue. Either ways, it makes you feel like you're being literally dissected and observed from every point of view possible, and you squirm uncomfortably in the chair.
"You know how love potions work, am I right?" the alchemist asks, and you almost jump in your seat as he speaks after what feels like an eternity.
"Um, right, yes! I, uh, the person you like drinks it and then, if you're the first person he or she sees, they fall in love with you," you recite quickly. You had memorised the line off Wikipedia from the number of times you'd contemplated using a love potion.
The alchemist gives you another deep, profound look, before delivering the very line you'd dreaded hearing from the moment you came up with the stupid plan, "It's not going to work."
You sigh in resignation, slumping forward and burying your face in your palms.
"Why not?" you ask quietly, forgetting to hide the tremble in your voice.
"Because the only person who can make you love yourself is you yourself," he says, and you look up, confused.
"What? Do you really think I don't know that? That I haven't tried?" you ask, getting mildly pissed, "I have tried so many times, for so many years, to love myself. You think I don't want to feel confident? To feel amazing about myself for once? To feel like, it's okay to be alive? You think I don't wish I was like the other people? You think I don't wish I were someone who doesn't want to claw her eyeballs out everytime she gets reminded of how imperfect she is? I've tried, Doctor, I have tried everything. I tried encouraging myself. I tried not to think negatively about myself. I tried to keep myself motivated. I tried to talk it out with friends, family, to keep myself away from drastic measures. But no one, NO ONE is ever there to watch me sob in bed at 2 a.m because I'm just a huge bloody mess. I have done my best to act as my own therapist for years and years now, and it doesn't work. How am I supposed to convince myself that I'm worthy of survival? That I'm not just a waste of time, space and money? You think I don't know, that the only person who can love myself truly is me? You think I don't want that?!"
You have to admit, the alchemist had nerves of steel to just sit there and observe you calmly as you ranted angrily in front of him. He gives you a few seconds to calm down and silently offers you a glass of water.
"Sorry," you try to apologise after the outburst, immediately feeling ashamed, but he shakes his head.
"Don't be sorry. It's a common experience for those who feel self-hatred to want to lash out occassionally and wish they were different," he says with all the calmness of a gentle ocean breeze.
"...so, why won't the love potion work?" you ask carefully.
"Because the love potion only makes people's emotions towards you change. It can't change your emotions. If you don't like yourself, you can't drink it and expect your emotions to change," the alchemist says. He's still simply sitting behind his desk, elbows resting on the polished rosewood desk, fingers interlocked below his chin, his gaze on you.
You sigh, disappointed. "Alright then, I suppose this was just a waste...Thank you for your time." You stand, about to leave and go home and despair about another failed plan, when he stops you.
"I may not be a therapist," he says suddenly just as your hand grips the cold steel handle of the door, "But I can still give suggestions."
You pause, facing the door. Half of you wants to leave and never return again, but the better half of you forces you to stay, even if you're still facing the door.
"Like what?" you ask, and your voice is so fragile, so brittle, begging for hope and love and acceptance, a voice so dangerously close to being pushed over the edge, a voice that's screaming for help, even if you'll never admit it. As you turn to face the alchemist, he can see the pain in your eyes as you rebuke yourself mentally for ever being here, the dread in the taut lines of your face as you mentally scold yourself for troubling the alchemist with your petty problems, the resignation in your pursed mouth as you wait for him to deliver advice that you've probably heard all your life.
"I know, there's clearly not much that I can say that will ever possibly make you feel better. I know, trust me. I've seen others go down that rabbit hole before too. And...the only thing that helps? Forgetting it exists. Get to work. Get to life. Work. Eat. Sleep. Study. Meet friends. Have fun. And for a while, forget your problems. I'm no therapist. I don't know what you're supposed to say to a person going through absence of self-esteem. But distracting yourself and reminding yourself that life's not all about you can make you better. It may not drag away the problems. It may not make you feel awesome all of a sudden. But it can give you a break. A resting period, where you can gather your strength once again to fight your battles. Just stop thinking for a while, and be busy."
You're surprised. You thought he'd tell you some amazing life secret that nobody knew that could magically fix your problems. Hey, miracles do happen now and then.
But instead, he just tells you to be busy.
For a second, you're annoyed, and you're about to tell him that you're a very busy person as it is.
But then you get what he means.
He meant to be so engrossed in living life, that you forget about your problems now and then. Your mind can freshen itself to face the problems of your heart another day. He meant that you should be so concentrated in working, relaxing, enjoying, laughing, smiling, speaking, that your brain doesn't get the time to hate yourself. He meant that you should live your life in your own way to the fullest, so that even if you hate yourself, you can never say that you didn't give life a shot. That even if you hate yourself and don't think you deserve to exist, the one good thing you managed to do was live life to the best of it.
And somehow, even though you still hate yourself, even though you still wish you were never born, you manage to offer the alchemist a small smile. A smile with hope, acceptance, and the determination to keep moving on. A smile that holds the courage to face the world and yourself with renewed vigour. A smile that holds all the pain of a person drowning in self-hate, yet also holding the joy of a person who knows what to do.
"Thank you, Doctor. I guess I didn't need the love potion after all."
“You have to understand, the use of love potions is both morally gross and legally r-”, you interrupt the alchemist, and say the potion is meant for yourself.
*Trigger Warnings: Su*c*d*l thoughts, Self- Deprecation,depression.*
Tuesday, Nov. 1st, 2022
6:48pm
Dear Me,
I’m not really excited about my birthday this Saturday. I think that how I view my birthday directly reflects how I value myself. I convinced myself that I don’t matter as much or am worth much, so why celebrate? I don’t get to celebrate in any way that is enjoyable, if there’s a celebration at all, and the day I’m born doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things.
It’s a reminder of time passing and the stress of the unknown time to come. It’s like a checkpoint to see where I’m at and how much I’ve done in a short amount of time. I never expected that my life would go on for so long, which, inherently, is a good thing (apparently), but it scares me.
I don’t think that I’m worth the effort, but I know that I would be upset otherwise.
So, let’s hope I feel better when the day comes…
hi my name is duchesstopaz and i’m a trauma survivor. there are so many things that i want to say, need to say… but no one who can understand if they don’t listen. i want to use my blog to just vent and get out all of this that needs an escape because it’s eating away at me. i am constantly evolving and changing and have grown so much over all of these years. i have a story to tell and this is one of the ways that i can share. so please watch as a 20 y/o shares way too much on the internet lol :). feel free to interact if you would like, feel free to give advice if you would like, but this is truly something purely for me that i would like to share.
above all i want all black women and young black girls to stay safe and remember their self worth
If you're spending time worried about who's not giving you the attention that you deserve, take it as a sign that it's time for you to get in contact with yourself and ask yourself what you need and what you deserve. I guarantee you'll start moving different.
WORK OUT: done
FOOD RULES: done
STRETCHING: done
SHOWER: done
STUDYING AND MEDITATING: nope
--- <1500 calories, <15k steps :c
⋆₊˚1/10/2024 – DAY 1 journal
I planned to go to sleep early, wake up at 5:30 am, work out early etc. but sadly I couldn't because i had to wait for my sister to come back from work (2 hours after i was supposed to go to sleep). So, I woke up at 7am and washed my hair and showered. It took a whole hour! After washing my hair, i worked out - today was pilates, i only did half tho. Yeah, I should work out before showering BUT i take a long time in the bathroom and others wanted to get ready too, so i had to be smart and shower earlier. I did only the first 30 minutes of pilates and then stretched, I did gua sha too! Few hours later we were in the church for 2 hours and went to visit the graves of our family members. Then we went to visit my grandpa (dad's side) and it was fun ngl, we were talking and i finally didnt spend much time on my phone - instead we talked, a lot! (I'm an extreme introvert) Then we went to my grandma (mom's side), she had cake but i didn't eat any of it because im on a no sugar diet. It didn't make me sad tho, I didn't crave sugar that much today. We talked a lot too, and i didnt even take my phone! I felt sooo pretty and i actually accepted that im fr attractive (I have body dysmorphia disorder). I got two strawberry chocolate bars from my grandma (dad's side) and some cake from my grandpa (mom's side). After we came back home, i did the other part of my pilates. Then i relaxed and played DTI, did my skincare and read some books. It's sleep time now💤
: ̗̀➛ Ways to take care of yourself
Make a workout plan that works well with your menstrual cycle.
Deep clean your room.
Take an everything shower.
Plan your week.
Eat a nutritious snack.
Try a new recipe.
Buy a new fragnance or scented lotion.
Stretch or do yoga.
Talk to yourself.
Look in the mirror and point out every nice thing about yourself.
Read or reread the book you love.
Study for the next test.
Cut blue light an hour before sleeping.
Drink tea after waking up.
Limit your screen time.
Don't surround yourself with negative media (art, posts, etc.).
Dress up nicely.
Research a topic you like
Replay your favourite game.
Spend some time with the person you love and care about.
Try to understand the cause of your bad habits.
Look at motivating (not toxic) posts.
Affirm after waking up and before going to sleep.
Buy a beautiful and comfortable pijama.
Rearrange your room.
Find a new, intresting hobby.
Look for a fragnance that suits you and your personality the best.
Write out the things you want to change about yourself.
Don't skip important hygiene; brushing teeth, washing hair, skipping skincare, showering.
Take a hot relaxing bath.
Completely relax and just think without any distractions; music, subliminals, etc.
Set a new yet small goal you want to work towards to.
Remind yourself of your journey and how far you've come.
Work on your posture.
Cuddle with your animal.
Take a nap.
Buy a new candle.
Romanticise your life and every small thing about it.
Drink some lemon/cucumber water.
Find a new intresting show.
Create a new playlist with your favourite songs.
Find a new comfort YouTuber.
Think about your fun childhood memories.
Try a new form of exercise.
Make a vision board.
Get a therapist, and if you can't: talk with strangers online.
Listen to yout favourite subliminals.
Create a moodboard.
Create a new peace of jewerly.
Give away the clothes you dont wear anymore.
Create a visionboard and look at it everyday while affirming.
Try a new makeup style.
Go out without doing your makeup.
Get used to your 'effortless' look; no makeup, lay clothes, tied hair.
Get used to failing and learn from your mistakes.
Be grateful for the simple things you're blessed with.
Listen to a podcast.
Go on a walk.
Choose your kind of 'perfection'.
Think about deep topics and write about it.
🍂 School day update
It's the first day, it was fine. Not good, not bad. My 'best friend' was of course talking with the girl from her class she 'hates' and she was ignoring me. I hate her, ill just hang out with my cousin and my life long best friend and not that hoe
know your worth
You are important and you need to know that. You don’t always have to believe it but, you really need to know it.
That is SO true. ☝🏻 My family does this all the time, and I hate it. 😞
Don’t ever let anyone get you down (too much or for too long,) and don’t let it define your worth. ❤️🔥 YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Don’t listen to the lies.
You know what really hit me hard in the Barbie movie?
That scene at the beginning where Barbie goes around her normal day, at the president's office, at the court, at the nobel prize ceremony...
All the Barbies, when being complimented on their achievements, being told they're doing an awesome job, when they, themselves, talk about their work and what they've achieved...
None of them doubt it. None of them are awkwardly trying to go 'oh it was very hard, I had help, it wasn't that important..."
No. Instead, they own it. They are confident. They know their value, they are not afraid to say 'I am good at what I do. I wrote an excellent book. I am great at being President of Barbieland. I am strong. I am a doctor and very good at my job. I am a lawyer and me showing feelings and empathy does not diminish my work in any way."
That scene actually hit me even harder than Gloria's speech. Because how often have I been hesitant to say I have done a good job, how often have I done my best to tone down my achievements because I didn't want to be seen as bragging, because I myself wasn't even sure it was that good, because I never think it's good enough?
Too often.
I'm going to try and work on that. Because I am badass, and I write good stories, and I deserve to be proud of them.
Because I AM good enough.
You matter. You deserve to keep living.... so, please, don't give up 🙏❤️
Your impact on other people is bigger than you think. Someone still giggles when they think of that funny thing you said. Someone still smiles when they think of the compliment you gave them. Someone silently admires you. The advice you gave has made a difference for people. The support and love you've offered others has made someone's day. Your input and opinions have made someone think twice. You are not insignificant and forgotten. Your existence makes a positive difference, whether you see it or not.
GUYS GUYS GUYS I NEED YOU TO KNOW THIS
Hating yourself is NOT a contained practice. It ALWAYS impacts other people either directly or indirectly. So LET IT GO because not only is it mean to you, it's harmful to everyone in the environment around you.
There is no way to hate without hurting others. Even if you think it's just yourself.
Hating yourself is harming others. Like, almost always. Even if you don’t mean it to.
Loving yourself enough to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself is what makes you more capable of helping others and doing good.
You’re not going to shame and hate yourself into being a better friend, a better spouse, better parent, better person, better service to the world. That’s done through love and gentleness. I promise.
And I know it’s work! There is no switch to flip that takes you magically from self-hatred, self-denial, insecurity, and depression to self-love, self care, gentleness, and joy! It takes work and, for many people, seeking outside help! But it’s worth it worth it worth it, not just for you, but for everyone around you.
I’ve been putting out the energy I want and not getting it. Now I’m going to just reflect the energy I get.
It’s just that simple sometimes.
If a person you love leaves it’s because they believed it would make them feel better. Not because they don’t care but because they value feeling good. Recognise this truth. Not trying to fight, resist, fix or deny it is the single most powerful move you can make. To allow is to do something, to respect their choice is to do something. To accept, without trying to change, control or convince them to see things differently—takes more strength, confidence and faith than any act of force. Standing your ground and understanding the art of allowing is the ultimate act of self worth.
It’s essential to sit within the discomfort of your shame in order to understand that it does not define you. It’s the only way to cut through the fear and the blocks that prevent you from connecting to the truth of your hearts desires.
I know my worth but sometimes I like to have a little sale 🙃
I ground into my worth, and grow from aligned soil.
It's so intimidating to see myself in a mirror because I see me and then this another person who is not me. A person who is just an amalgamation of my mother, my father and my grandparents. A person who is not one but many. And it is so amazing and frightening at the same time. The fact that like every other thing, like every other incident, and person, you also hold the potential to be beautiful and scary not only to others but to your own self too.
I am getting offended by most of the things these days...
Don't know if it's my newly found self worth phase or I have crossed the thin line to enter the ego phase.
it’s a good song, trust me.
“the new version of yourself doesn’t have to wait till next year. you can begin where you are, right now. don’t let timelines be the catalyst for your growth, you are the spark you’ve always needed.”
— iambrillyant
& Space
Some might see me as a key
Some might feel me deeply
Some might see me as the door
Some might meet my core
Some might perceive my essence
Some might hear my soul
_______________________________
Follow up / Twin poem to:
I am strong enough
I can handle it
I can take care of myself
I am doing my best
And if I fail
I will stand up again
I can stand up for myself
I am lovable
I am loved
I am worthy
My feelings are valid
I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.
Make sure to repeat this to yourself through out the day ♡
Accepting yourself and every part of you including your insecurities without shame is the first step for healing and being in peace. Most of our insecurities come from outer sources and experiences we’ve had since we were young. So don’t be ashamed of it, acknowledge it gently and without judgement then work on healing it. Similarly accept and acknowledge the good and positive traits you have.
I am the only one who can deciede my worth, all of your opinions aren't shit