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Nobody talks about what it’s like to be trans in performing arts. I do Orchestra and Chorus and for both I need uniforms for the concerts.
For Orchestra, we have the option of a blouse and palazzo pants if we don’t want a dress. But that still feels too feminine for me and makes me very dysphoric.
On the other hand, in Chorus we don’t have any other option. The only option I have in the dress. Which makes me dysphoric as well.
And honestly, it’s not just the clothes. That’s the smallest part of it. It’s seeing the guys in button ups and dress shoes with bowties on. It’s the knowledge that I’ll never be a teenager again and I’ll never feel comfortable during these times. No matter how much I genuinely enjoy going to these concerts. (Not Orchestra tho but that’s another can of worms.)
It’s also the fact that my mom will never in a million years let me buy the boys uniform. It’s a burning reminder that she’ll never accept me for the way I am. And even if she did, my chest would ruin it and I’d feel really silly. I hate this :(