Sorry For The Rant - Blog Posts

If you still make fun of people for their taste in clothes or music or other media or their appearance you haven’t matured at all. No exceptions.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again.

As much as people romanticize pregnancy, it is NOT A HEALTH NEUTRAL STATE.

That’s not even touching on the fact that yes, pregnant people get murdered all the fucking time.

In general pregnancy is terrifying if you aren’t ready for it, or even if you are and something goes wrong that you can’t control. And everybody acts like you should have sunshine and rainbows coming out of your ass just because of the potential of new life.

I’ve never been pregnant. I want kids in my future but definitely not now, and if I was currently pregnant I’d be fucking terrified to know I live in the US.

I’m serious. Eclampsia. The shots so you don’t kill a baby with a different blood type than you. Being unable to keep foods down, being unable to sleep due to constant pain in your back, the expensive and yet still necessary doctors visits. The potential for anencephaly. Constant pain from your organs being shoved aside in your own body, by your own body. The potential for your fetus to die and being unable to get it removed because abortion is inaccessible in your state. Miscarriage. Bleeding out. Ectopic pregnancy. Sepsis. C-sections, which on their own are horrifying until you remember that those doctors cut through 7 fucking layers of flesh, rummage around in your abdominal cavity, pull your organs out and put them on a table to get a fucking baby out of you, and then just stuff that shit back in Willy-nilly and sew you back up- which is PAINFUL. The potential for your body to be so strained from pushing out a baby that you literally split open and tear yourself from cooter to poop shooter. Even more fetal Complications. Back-labor. Post-partum depression, anger, suicidal ideation, anxiety or psychosis. Pregnancy induced constipation, incontinence, or even diabetes.

All. of. it. Is. Terrifying.

But nobody talks about the fact that people are somehow expected to want this for themselves. To be happy because pregnancy is sunshine and rainbows according to a male societal standard. And that somehow if they don’t, they’re the weird ones for not wanting to torture themselves and put their lives on the line for a human being they’ve not even had the chance to meet yet. That doesn’t truly exist outside of their body or think or have conscious thoughts yet.

Genuinely. It’s FUCKED UP. And the US also just leaves moms to fend for themselves too without any support for recovery after having a baby too. Maternal or paternal leave isn’t guaranteed. Some jobs won’t even grant it to you (if they even offer it) if you fall pregnant before working there for a certain period of time. You might get six weeks. You might get less. But then you have to figure out what to do with a six week old infant that needs to be fed, like every four hours, your titties hurt, you’re leaking milk if you’re able to lactate, you can’t pee without using lidocaine, you still can’t sleep, baby is crying all the damn time, and you now, while still dealing with post-partum side effects, have to find a stranger to sit around and leave your newborn with and pay a ridiculous amount to do so, because you can’t not survive without working. Even if it feels like you’re running on the fear of death and adrenaline, you are still killing yourself to suddenly make these new changes work and just survive, and that’s supposed to be a happy thing?????

No, I wouldn’t blame a damn soul for getting cold feet and backing out of having a kid. That sounds like the most horrifying reality to live in, and yet people are forced into doing it all the time. That’s actually fucked up and twisted in ways I cannot put into words. It’s worse than any war crime I can imagine, which are already vile and unforgivable, but this finds a way to somehow be even more depraved because a government is letting lobbyist and religious zealots force this upon its own people. The people it relies on to give itself funding, arms and most importantly, its power. A power that is supposed to be use to protect its people that is being horrendously abused.

I don’t think anyone needs to be a woman to be scared that we’ve fallen to this point.

The number one cause of death in pregnant women is murder. Think About That.

Some nights I am normal and other nights I have the big mad about mha characters

These characters include:

Enji todoroki; I would like to steal his knee caps and cronch them like chips in front of him while making blistering and prolonged eye contact

All Might; That man did not do right by Izuku midoriya. What kind of professional hero leaves a civilian (and minor and minority) who was previously unconscious and suffocating without medical help on a roof alone after bluntly crushing their hopes??

Kai Chisaki; it’s not enough. I don’t know if anything could be enough but it’s not enough.

Eri; I would die for this child and strongly desire to spend all my disdain for her “guardian” spoiling her.

The MHA faculty (and All Might, again;) who thought it was a good idea to not inform a minor’s teacher (and basically guardian) that he literally just got his quirk and has absolutely no control over it instead of letting false assumptions build?

Bakugo; homie literally chill. Also why do consequences just not exist. Forgiveness is cool but so are justice and learning moments.

Inko Midoriya: sweet as she is, the blindness to the amount of physical and emotional abuse her child was experiencing, the lack of any emotional support for any version of his future… it’s giving neglect.

Also.

The quirk laws??; First of all, I don’t understand. Second of all, I still don’t understand. What about self defense? What about latent abilities? What about the ability to help others in emergency situations? Or people who have quirks that have nothing to do with other people? How can you just say no one can use quirks in the out of doors?? When most of the population has quirks???? That’s like making it illegal to have your eyes showing?

TW : rant/dump

I’m not fishing for anything, I just really needed to say this, and I’m not willing to put it on anyone I know. Please don’t read this if you’re unwell. I don’t want to add to anyone else’s struggle

I just needed to get off my chest,

This couple weeks have been… not good.

My grandma has been making sui/homi threats when she can’t get more pain meds, my grandpa is obsessed with conspiracy politics and won’t keep it to himself, my mom depends on me emotionally

My shelf came off the wall and broke my file box and shattered a glass frame all over the floor

I spilled soda so incredibly that it got on my carpet, walls, floor, the bottom of my bed (?), my printer, my extension cord, my yarn basket, and so many other places I keep finding

I ruined an entire load of clothes with chapstick, it will not come out, and my mom tossed them

My air purifier itself has started smelling like mold despite upkeep

My windowsill is covered in mold and my plaster is cake and even my carpenter uncle can’t figure out my Schrödinger studs

Because of all these things I’ve been having to fix or account for on top of my medical bills and car bills and insurance bills I can’t even quite make it paycheck to paycheck

I don’t have the time or money to take care of procedures I’m supposed to have done already

My doctor says I’m in the chronic pain of someone twice my age and that my job isn’t going to work for me in the long term and my job is trying to shove me out but I can’t find another job that won’t kill my mental health, physical health, or support me financially

Im just stuck,

I’m stuck.

Small rant ahead:

The may contain label is bs. So much bs.

Like way to make eating Russian roulette.

It can mean:

-there is part of this in this

-there is a small amount of this in this

-this shares contact but is not an ingredient

-we did not feel like paying attention so we are covering our bases

-this has this in it but we don’t feel like specifying where in the ingredients

-we don’t know what’s in our product and because we buy certain things premade and don’t feel like looking into it

THIS IS NOT A GAME THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH FOR SOME PEOPLE

I am so tired of being jealous of my friends. I shouldn’t be. I’m happy they are getting the help that they need but what can’t it be me? Why won’t my mom believe me! Why won’t she book me an appointment to figure out my joints instead of just saying it my diet? Why won’t she book an appointment to figure out what’s going on with how tired I feel all the time but can’t ever sleep instead of just saying it depression? Why can’t she accommodate my needs? Why won’t she buy me the supports I need? Why won’t she buy me my comfort food? Why won’t she support my accommodations? Why won’t she care about me?

All my friends have loving parents. One of my friends mom takes them to all the appointments that they need to get the help they need. But my mom won’t even make an effort to call an online therapist so I don’t have to struggle with no support and my old therapist was not working for me. My friends mom will support how they need to live to have a good life and my mom won’t even let me eat the food I like and know I like without getting on my ass. My friends mom takes care of them and mine doesn’t and it feels horrible.

And that’s just the stuff with my physical health and neurodivergency. She also ignores my anxiety unless she uses it to justify something else. It hurts so bad to see your best friend have a wonderful mother who supports them and helps them get the supports they need and the best my mom will do is get me on testosterone then saying that if I have an attitude she’ll take me off it.

She does that with so many things. If I have an attitude or get mad or have normal human emotions she threatens to take away my restorative or take away my ability to see my friend.

She once booked an appointment with my doctor just for the doctor to say “yeah, that’s normal human emotions”. But when I tell her that I am struggling to be a human in a productive way because I think I have autism after hours and hours of reaserch she says that the waiting list is too long. It stead of making that call when I’m still a minor she is making me do it once I am an adult. I have to do it for myself with no support from my mom.

And I live my dad but he also doesn’t stand up for me. How am I supposed to get through this shit with parents who blame my constant pain on diet and won’t book appointments I need.

I’m so tired of being put in a bad mood when my best friend talks about their mental health and neurodivergency. It’s not FUCKING fair!

Going back to school sucks.

Everyone is much further ahead than me.

All my school friends can drive and I’m even a couple months older than them but I can’t drive. I don’t want to drive because it isn’t something I want to focuse on.

I could probably get my liscence but I don’t have a car in comfy driving. I don’t enjoy driving. But my mother and dad are always on my ass. I can’t even take my test. My dad’s truck isn’t reliable to take a test in and my mom’s car has a huge crack in the windshield.

Why would I spend money and get my parents to spend money so I can get my drivers when I have NO WHERE TO FUCKING GO.

And then there’s the whole problem with me not being able to function.

My mom wants me to get another job because I only get 12 hours on my pay stub but I can hardly handle that.

I can’t function at the same level as my peers and no one understands that

I told my therapist that I feels like my support needs are getting more and more. She basically told me that im just doing to much so they show up more.

That is not what’s happening. Last year I could handle going to work after school and doing therapy and hanging out with people.

Over a three month period now I can’t go to work without shutting down and I’m not going to school because of summer. Therapy takes everything out of me and I can only hang out with my one friend for more than 30 minutes at a time.

I’m doing less and I need more help. It makes no sense

And now I have a week to go back to school and everyone else in my grade is able to function normally and balance school and personal life and have a bunch of friends and drive and make time for themselves and work. And they can do that all with no help.

But when I tell my mom and dad that I don’t want to get my liscence because I zone out a lot when I’m alone, or when I throw a fit because something isn’t the way I like it, my parents say that I’m over reacting or I’m being lazy

Tw: rant

I love people who try to comfort me when I’m dysphoric but saying shit like you’ll be on t soon or at least you are almost able to get top surgery is not very helpful. Or when people say that once I’m on t it will be better.

I have gender dysphoria, lots of the stuff I’m dysphoric about won’t be fixed when I go on t. Being on t won’t change my interest, being on t won’t change that I’m hyper verbal. Being on t won’t change the size of my hands or my feet

Being on t won’t change that all my friends are either gay or women.

Does any of this stuff make sense to make me dysphoric, no, but it does and saying that going on t will solve the problem is wrong.

The fact that I’m not diagnosed with autism fucking sucks. Like, many people have told me they think I have autism, including my therapist but because my mother will not even put me on the wait list for a diagnosis I won’t know for at least two years if I am autistic (probably more then two years). All because my mom doesn’t believe I’m autistic.

All because she doesn’t understand, I don’t get the support I need. The closest I get to feeing validated is my best friend saying that she is there for me and that she believes me. This is hard.

I need help to function properly but no one will help me. I can’t do so many things that people my age should be able to. I can’t get my license because I’m too scared to drive alone because I zone out a lot and don’t think I could process everything. But my dad keeps pressing me to get it.

I can’t do everything all the time. I am supposed to swim for 2 hours four days a week but I can’t do that. I have to lie to my mom and tell her I’m sick so I can stay home because she doesn’t let me take mental health days ever.

I can’t have a social life because I can’t hang out with anyone for more then 30 minutes except my QPP.

I don’t understand social situations so when I try to understand and make a mistake people get mad at me.

I need help with taking care of myself because it’s to much for me to do alone but my mom isn’t willing to help.

My mom refuses to keep my comfort foods in the house because I “eat them to fast”

No one believes me when I tell them my problems. At school it’s because I have good grades. My mom doesn’t believe me because I “ function well.”

I’m always tired because I have to mask so often around my family so they don’t say I’m faking it

And worst of all is that despite all of that and more, I might not even be autistic. If I’m not autistic what’s wrong with me?

My favourite bird of all time Amazine Artwork! They are found in the country where I live (in Western Europe) but they were hunted to extinction here because it was believed they stole livestock which is why they used to be referred to as Lammergeiers. Since then they’ve successfully been reintroduced into the country and their population is growing!

What I think it interesting is how they’re seen as evil in Europe but in the Middle East and Asia they are worshipped

Bird #67 - the Bearded Vulture (NT)

I dont even know what to say about them that people wouldn't already know. It's crazy that 70-90% of their diet is bone??? I always thought they were strictly Asian birds, but they are found in many areas in Africa and Europe too (though they are extinct in much of their historic range).

To lost dreams...

From 5 years old, I was dead set on being a writer. I have always been interested in language and was rewarded with a great sense of satisfaction when the nuances of words resonated in my head. It didn’t matter to me that I have aphantasia because I didn’t know it existed. (It’s like a play in my head where the actors are playing behind a closed curtain - and I’m the wrong side of it.) All I knew is that each word was unique even in the face of its synonyms, and I felt those differences coursing through my very own neurones. I still do!

I was the child who, instead of going out to play, curled up in the corner and took herself to a world of her own invention through the means of the written word. I saw sheets of paper more than I saw the sun and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Who cares if I’d have to be the starving artist for a while? Who cares that I’d likely have been hit by more rejections than acceptances?

And then secondary school started. English became more about regurgitating someone else’s analyses in essays than being creative. People used to look at me as if to say, “A writer? What a waste of a brain.” My mind became aware of its blindness and I became severely depressed - and I stopped writing altogether. I am scared to admit that my mind fights to find words sometimes. I am even more afraid to admit that I have nothing about which to write at all anymore.

My five-year-old self would be so disappointed... she sacrificed her imagination - the greatest part of herself - to the hands of an education system that moulds us into depressed conformists.

I think I hate people because on my fic about Sirius struggling with societal norms and wanting to dress feminine but not wanting to be perceived as weird I explicitly stated TWICE that he wasn’t trans (in that fic) and somebody STILL commented about how it was a great female Sirius fic??? I’m so sorry are we illiterate? Are we dumb? What happened? I literally told you he’s a cis guy. He made a big deal out of it. It’s a fic about how society puts people into boxes based on appearance and he didn’t want people to do that. Where do I go wrong? Did they just not read part of the fic? Did they just close their eyes? It was literally tagged as “boys in skirts” what do you mean female Sirius???

I think that too! CinemaSins used to be fun to watch, cause you could see the mistakes that a movie could have. But recently, it's just the same dumb jokes and one-liners and has become stale. CinemaWins though has that childhood innocence, and talks about stuff that some people would just brush away, like the music, editing, and even the research that the people who aren't the main characters and directors do throughout the entire movie making process.

Fuck cinamaSins, cinamaWins is the only hoe i respect

i found a hatching brush finally yaaaaayyy also i turn 15 tomorrow

1.11.15 // Currently waiting for my classmate to arive at my place so that we can FINALLY finish our assignment. I’m seriously debating whether I should just start, because I’ve been waiting for about an hour now and she lives like 5mins away from me :( If anybody feels like talking about dystopian literature, hit me up, I could really need the distraction/preparation.

Does anyone else just like not know how to think of/about/for yourself? Like your so used to being told what to do, ridiculed for doing something wrong, given so many responsibilities and things to take care of. That you just don't know how to think of just yourself, take care, of yourself, or even know who you are? You stress about time whether you have enough to get everything done as well as have free time. You aren't independent. You forget things for your self constantly like breakfast, what you want to do, drinking water, ect. And you just become so lazy and put out because of all the stress and work. Even when the work is done, and you have so little work for a long time, the illusion that there is so much is still there weighing you down. Is it just me or? Sorry for the weird depressing rambling.

I stopped investing myself in the kpop scenery after Jonghyun's passing so I was pondering about writing about Sulli since the news came, and I still don't know if I should.

Jonghyun's passing was a great deal to me, I cried, I was triggered, and my mind was very unkind to me after it for a while. I was scared. And kpop became unbearable to me, I casually listen to some songs here and then but not as much or as frequently as I used to. I deleted all kpop from my music library and when I listen to it it's on YouTube cause I don't want spotify to start putting kpop everywhere on my tm.

I was never a big fan of f(x). I wasn't very aware of the group's story or its ups and downs but I enjoyed them. I always thought it was one of the best girl groups out there, so dynamic and talented. They were nice girls, very likeable. All of them. Luna was one of the best main vocals of the second generation, in my opinion. And they didn't go further because of SM's treatment and management... they could've been HUGE.

Im so sad to hear about Sulli. And I'm sorry for every fan out there that woke up to this news. Please take care of Korean idols, and mostly female ones, they get more hate than their male counterparts. They're hated for a bunch of reasons that male idols aren't, like being sexy, showing skin and being vocal.

That is what Sulli was, she was a quite vocal young woman in an extremely conservative, old fashioned and sexist country and industry. She was only 25.

Im tired of hearing of idols being mistreated and in poor health (both physically and mentally) because of the kpop industry. It doesn't matter what company they're from, all of them go through the same crap because this companies work towards commercialization and marketability according to the industry and the audience demands.

Groups from small companies are in far more precarious situations that the ones on the big three, don't get me wrong those three deserve every bit of criticism and accountability they get from us BUT "irrelevant" groups from small companies are treated WORSE. Most of them aren't paid at all and charged, instead, for their training, and they accumulate debts towards the company that they aren't capable of ever really paying because they keep taking dancing, singing and acting lessons that they're charged for and that they HAVE to take if they want to have a minimal chance at debuting, and if they have already debuted they don't get paid until they've settled their debt. And because the company is small and they have no resources or money, sometimes, sasaengs "sponsor" them in exchange of information and actual dates with the idols, that they can't refuse because of the company and their contracts (because of this contracts they can't leave, unless they pay the debt fully), exposing themselves to dangerous scenarios, and this sponsorship is added to the debt.

The reason I'm saying all of this is because I want you all to realize and acknowledge how f*cked up the kpop industry is and how much we, as international fans, need to care and take care of them and demand a change in how this gets down.

I want you to be conscious of how many idols are in this situation but we don't hear of it because they're irrelevant or simply because theyre not on the infamous big three. The big three are not trash, is the whole industry. Many young girls and boys feel like Sulli and have made radical decisions because of their situation.

If you're a kpop fan PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE care about what goes behind close doors. Care about your idols. START CARING AND DEMANDING BETTER TREATMENT OF THE ARTISTS YOU CLAIM TO SUPPORT AND LOVE.

P.S. Hara attempted suicide too not so long ago, so I can only imagine what she must be going through right now given that and the fact that she was close with Sulli, support Sulli's close friends in this time of need, please.

Being in a relationship sucks when your body/weight keeps changing.

I know that 7 kg to or from is not the biggest difference to others, but explaining that it will go back and forth every few months like this for years to come, to a partner that found you attractive at one end of the scale (when you met) just sucks. Especially the weeks when i feel disgusting because of my weight and do not want to be ✨perceived✨

It's 19°C, the sun is visible, and I am sweating. Thanks for the annual obligatory summer weather, but can we skip to a more reasonable temperature? We are but a small country with no aircondition in our homes.

i love ai i love neurosama i love watching people build algorithms and training them and watching them become more 'intelligent' i love watching simulations i love NPCs i love enemies tracking our hitboxes

i hate AI that trains off of things not meant for it it shouldn't exist i hate how things like chatgpt have scraped the internet for knowledge i hate how it has tainted the uniqueness and happiness AI brought to people now when people hear AI they think of chatgpt when in reality it could just be someone's algorithm resided on their pc that they built by themselves, trained on their own work, or coded by themselves

in short: fuck chatgpt not all ai is bad

Help me, aromantics Kenobi, you’re my only hope

Hey, I have never actually used tumblr much in terms of actually like posting stuff but a friend told me talking to people about this would probably help and I thought well maybe someone can help me on tumblr after i looked at a lot of posts about the subject.

Here it goes I guess. I’m bisexual, I know this for a while now and it’s something about me that doesn’t confuse me anymore. And I thought that was it, like I have myself figured out I know all I need to know. Recently, I realised, I know jack shit. Yes, I’m bisexual. That’s easy. It was easy to label and identify when i accepted that I did not only wanted to kiss boys.

Here comes the problem, I’m not sure I want to fall in love with anyone. Or can, really. I had a few relationships, they ended, I ended them. I’m always very uncomfortable in romantic settings. It just takes a lot from me to act in love, I don’t think I have been in love actually. Looking at the relationships that I had they all feel a lot to me like friendships that fell apart when people wanted more of me.

I think I’m aromantic, is where I’m getting with this unnecessary rant. I think I confused close friendships with romantic things and fucked all to hell. But I’m not sure because feelings are stupid and I have a very difficult time grasping and describing them. And also, I’m pretty sure I’m not romantic repulsed. Like, couples and ships and all that, I love reading about, I love seeing on movies I think it’s very cute. I just don’t feel that? Maybe? Or maybe I feel but it’s very small? I don’t know. I’m confused, it’s the whole point of this.

This shit is getting too long and I’m feeling too exposed. Maybe I’ll delete this right after I post, I don’t know.

THE POINT IS can someone aro pls talk to me? I know it must be super annoying talking with someone who is very lost, but I think it would really help me and I would be very thankful. If anyone can help me, thank you a lot. If you can’t, it’s okay I totally get it. I’m researching all I can I just think maybe talking with someone will help me. I don’t know.

Fuck, maybe this was a bad idea.