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Can you imagine? Can you IMAGINE? Carrying the pain of loving him so absolutely, so irrevocably, and also the regret of never having truly given yourself to him. So years pass and you just watch him grow old and die, knowing you have a hundred years more to live and yet, you hold onto the pain, because it carries all the memories and emotions that you spent so long denying. In the end, you know that it is the only thing you have of him, an admition, a surrender, too late.
And then you find yourself in another timeline all together, where you and him are so young, so hopeful, but also, so naive, so easily fooled. Now you have to watch yourself pulling away from him all over again, deying everything, pretending not to love or hurt. And you just want to shake that younger version and scream: "You don't have that much time! Stop leaving him behind and hold him while you still can".
But you cannot. This is not your universe, and you have already fucked their lives up so much, how could you also tamper with this? So you step aside and let them discover it in their own time, hoping they have much more than you did. Clinging to the pain and memories once more, all you have left is the hope that someday, when your body is too tired to keep on living, he is waiting for you, and you will never have to be apart again.