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Wed, 22 Dec 2021 - 11:28pm -11:57pm
damn that
alliteration
decembers been kinda dismal ngl,
(take a shot every time you read a word beginning with d on this post)
feel like i’m in a daze, these past 5 days of christmas break have been lying in bed and listening to p!atd and maggie lindemann on repeat.
(productive i know)
it’s crazy to think i’ll be finishing secondary school within the next few months
i feel like i was robbed of two years of my life and it’s so weird because it’s like how can you feel nostalgic for something that was never there?
nostalgia in definition is
a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past
that’s not quite what i feel. i have a longing for a period in my past that never happened. i don’t feel wistful affection. i feel grief and loss for a time that never was. i’m almost 16 but i don’t feel that way. i feel like i lost what would have been two of the greatest years of my life and it’s like damn, 2020 and 2021 happened in a blur. where did they go.
(love that over dramaticness for me)
exams will be done and over with within the next 6 months, i’d like to make the most of that time inbetween studying to experience what i lost in that time stolen by covid.
NOTE:
i’d like to do monthly diary posts like these as something for my future self to look back on - from now on i’ll be including the date and times i started and finished writing posts at the top.
til next time ~Amimi
I am slipping
Out of reach
And it’s freeing
But depression
Is slipping
Through the cracks
In my voice
My non binary
Voice of being
Gaily befuddled
I found myself
Laying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling
And that’s how I have conference meetings with depression
I want to
Be okay
With the present
But hold on a moment
I need to take
A call
A conference one
I want to feel real
Again
And I don’t know the next time I will
I want to take a tired walk
To the kitchen
And smash a few
Plates
And fall
Into
A ghost’s arms
I cant always be my own hero
Super girl is only so good
I just might have to call up gut girl
Because she can at least stomach me at my worst
I feel behind in life
And its so hard
To not compare myself to others
Because maybe my life
Isn’t a highway
Like other people’s lives are
I’d much prefer to enjoy the view and stare at natural beauty
I don’t get
The constant rush
That society puts on us
Maybe that’s why I like to lay on the floor
And stare blankly at the ceiling
But then my thoughts start rolling like thunder
And the cycling begins…
Staring at the dark ceiling
I have it memorized
If only the glow in the dark stars were real constellations
I’d know my way around them by now
I’m a night owl; a nocturnal creature dealing
A toilet flushing down the hall
Brings me back to my punishment of being under aged
Being owned by your parents
They call it custody
I call it a prison of musty walls
I'm allergic to the stuffy skeleton of this house
Keeping the keys quiet so I don’t get in trouble
Deep trouble
For something so little
In comparison of the big picture and the hole in my blouse
I need to get away from the light pollution
So I can shine brighter than my cousins
Two stars, and I get compared to them
It’s inevitable because I'm trapped being related
Because I must be part of the salty solution
I must get away from the people asking me why I'm not shining,
While my surface is burning hotter than magma
Waiting to explode
Letting the pressure you put in me develop,
Into diamonds I will wear while going out with a special one dining
Letting some steam off in a perfect sun storm
I'm fast and burn hard
But I wait like a cat about to pounce
You won’t see it coming before you're in a ring of flames
You can’t freeze my flames out, with your heart so cold you still can’t even make the temperature go from hot to warm