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Sex And The Single Churl: Another 'Bachelorette' Finale Gets Weird

Monday night's Bachelorette finale went in a very unusual direction for a show that usually denies the degree to which it's about sex.

At the end of our Very Special And Dramatic Finale Recap, I said that we still had some things to talk about. It hasn't been my habit to also recap the After the Final Rose special because it's usually just a time-filling parade of joy/despair. 

And this year was fairly similar; it doesn't warrant an entire recap. However, Nick was so distraught after his being dumped that he...said...some things on the special that deserve to be talked about. And I could try and parse them all out and whittle down my rage into thoughtful comments, but why bother when Linda Holmes has done so much more gracefully than I ever could?

So I defer, once again, to her infinite wisdom and humor to communicate not only the events of the AFR Special, but also to put them into thoughtful perspective. God, she rules.

The Bachelorette - Finale Recap

The time has finally come to wrap up this long show’s journey into night. It is the end of the Bachelorette for another year, another end of all the hopes and dreams of so many young men and one woman. And it’s the end of my time with all of you for a while. Parting is SUCH sweet sorrow, so before we part, let’s watch this tragi-comedy unfold.

Before any filmed footage is shown, we of course have to check in with Chrarrison and the live studio audience. We do receive on important piece of info from Old Chrarrs: whoever Andi didn’t pick is so heartbroken that he has tried to contact her several times to get closure. He even tried to contact her “while she was vacationing in Mexico, and she refused to speak with him”. UH. NO DUH. BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEHAVIOR OF AN UNWELL PERSON. And I guess he tried to confront her again during the Men Tell All and she refused him again. Oooo, how will this fage?

The episode kicks right off with Nick coming to meet Andi’s family. We have her very intimidating father Hy, her sweet mother with terrible fishing hook eyebrows Patti, and her sister Rachel and brother-in-law…Haley? His name can’t be Haley but that’s what it sounds like. Nick is nervous but excited to meet Andi’s family. He’s taking this very seriously.

I guess the bro-in-law’s name is Ailey which makes less sense than Haley, but whatever. The whole family is commenting on how nervous Nick is acting. He’s being very reserved and stumbling. They manage through lunch, and Nick is getting worried they will think he’s a jackass.

So Nick sits down with Patti to talk it all out. “I know that Andi’s it for me…I love her in ways I never I thought I could love someone before,” Nick says, at which point Patti tears up.

Andi sits down with her sister Rachel who desperately needs some morrocan oil for her hair. Andi shares how Nick truly sees her whole soul and when he kisses her, she feels his passion for her.

The biggest moment comes when Nick sits down with Hy to ask his permission to marry Andi. Hy simply asks what it is that he likes/loves about Andi. Nick answers diplomatically, but Hy makes sure his eyes are on the future.  Nick asks for the blessing. Hy hesitates; then he goes on to explain that he thinks Andi is as special as Nick does and gives his blessing. Nick passes the family test with flying colors.

Now it’s Josh’s turn against the firing squad! Based on his politician nature, I have no doubt he will do well with her family. The family already loves him because he lives in Atlanta, but Hy is cautious because Josh has a lot to live up to compared to Nick. Hy straight up laughs at Josh because he can see that he is trying so hard to look cool and casual but is so nervous, “This poor guy didn’t have a prayer.” Oh Hy, you’re the top.

“This loud guy comes in with Andi and he keeps saying how nervous he is and how hot he is…he’s just boisterous and a little chaotic,” Patti says. Uh-oh, do I sense trouble in paradise? Josh has some ground to make up with her parents.

Rachel listens to Andi’s concerns about Josh with the best kind of sisterly grace. She hears all her worries that he is a former-athlete and maybe a salesman but is confident in Andi’s feelings. Rachel and Ailey then take Josh aside to talk seriously about his feelings and intentions for Andi. Rachel approves of Josh.

Then it’s time for Hy to take Josh aside and level with him. Hy is such a straight forward guy. No frills, no fuss, just says what he’s thinking. I like that. Josh speaks up for himself and meets the expectations though. Hy asks, “Are you sure this isn’t just a camp romance?” which I LOVE because that’s exactly what this show can be sometimes! Camp! And then you go away to school and you’re so sure it’s going to be the same, but it isn’t. Awww, Hy. Stick around all the time.

Josh really stands his ground though that he feels the forever kind of love for him. Josh boldly tells Hy, “in a few days, I’d love to propose to your daughter and I’d love to make her my wife.”

“You’ve got my blessing. The only one you gotta worry about is hers,” Hy says. WHAT A GUY. WHAT. A. GUY.

Well, that was quick and painless. Everybody loves Josh too.

Andi now has her final date with Josh. She is wearing the shit out of a tropical print caftan while she and Josh go yachting about the island. They can’t keep their hands off each other as the Caribbean winds whip around them. It is quite the romantic scene. These two are VERY canoodley which is starting to make me doubt my instincts that Nick will win.

They get to jump off the yacht to go swimming, and you can totally 100% see the camera guy swimming alongside them which is so funny to me. That kind of stuff is what makes me pause and think, “these two are having this romantic moment in the water…six feet away from a man in a wetsuit holding a waterproof camera…” like, WHAT?!

For dinner, the couple meets up at Josh’s plush ass suite. The snuggle up on his couch to talk about fears, doubts, and hopes going into the future. Andi is just worried that the puppy love phase will end, and that the romance will fade, but Josh reassures her in his very confident way that he feels forever love for her. I’m tempted to feel swayed by this, but I’m not. I mean, I believe he THINKS he feels that, but come on. Who knows?

Then Josh whips out the special surprise he and the producers cooked up to give Andi one final sway in his favor. First he reads a nice, long letter to her because he couldn’t say the words to her. Then he presents her with a gift. It’s a baseball card with her picture and all her “stats” on it. Stats like “Games Played: doesn’t play games” and “Errors: can’t dance and swears too much”. At first, I really hated this card, but that’s at least a little bit cute. EXCEPT he presents it to her with her name ALREADY CHANGED TO HIS LAST NAME: ANDI MURRAY. LIKE SHE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO CONSIDER KEEPING HER OWN LAST NAME OR HYPHENATING IT BECAUSE FEMINISM IS DEAD AND YOU ARE JUST A MAN’S PROPERTY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Call me new-fashioned, but I just can’t handle all this assumption of women just taking the man’s last name, no questions asked.

Anyhow, Andi feels very good after their final date and a lot of very lip-smacky kissing. She is worried about how much she feels for Josh and how much he feels for her. But she knows how much she feels for him. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Nick has his final date coming off Andi’s two straight days spent with Josh. Andi is really looking for clarity with this date so that she really knows at the end of the day who her guy will be. They start off the day going off-roading through the island and land at a beautiful, private lagoon. At the lagoon, Nick talks about how much he liked her family and how he told them just how much he loves her. Andi feels like the love she feels from Nick makes her feel like a woman and makes her feel sexy. Which is something important to feel, so that’s something that Josh doesn’t necessarily have.

Back at Nick’s plush ass suite, Nick is worrying about where Josh is in the picture. He’s worried that she’s unsure. He’s worried he’s unsure. Andi really gets him to open up about what he’s so obviously worried about. He shares that the morning after his last engagement, he woke up and new something wasn’t right and doesn’t want to feel that with her at all. She reassures him that everything will be alright. And he tells her he loves her, and while she can’t say it back, she just tries to comfort him. Nick’s confidence is at an all time high. He says he can feel what she feels for him even though she can’t say it back.

The final gift for Andi’s favor that Nick presents is a necklace that has some sand from the beach where he first told her that he loved her in it. What a very pretty necklace, producers. Thanks for that. It’s very pretty actually, and is a more totem-like gift than the one from Josh. Although her reaction for Josh’s gift was more lively. I DON’T KNOW, GUYS. WHO WILL IT BE?!?!

Ahhh, the morning has finally arrived. Andi walks about the grounds of her casa in a pink silk teddy and black silk kimono. As she voices over her feelings for each guy, we also get to see the men staring out from their respective balconies not wearing shirts. So deep. So, so deep these moments are. But the heart of the matter is that Andi feels confident in her decision. I feel confident in getting to see Neil Lane in T minus three minutes!

Nick tells us, “I’m going to follow my gut, and my gut says to listen to my heart,” which is a lot of body parts being awfully talkative, Nick. He’s super confident that when he proposes to Andi, she will say yes.

On the other hand, we have Josh who is so excited to propose but is vulnerable enough to admit that she might not say yes. But even knowing that she could say no, he wants to do it anyway. Josh, stop making me like you against my will. Everything in me wants to greatly dislike you, but I CAN’T. Your voice is still annoying though, so there.

AND NOW THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: HIS ROYAL MAJESTY, KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS, NEIL LAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE! Neil Lane comes to Josh’s rooms to present his sparkling wares for approval. He shows various bajillion carat diamonds surrounded by a million other, tinier diamonds, but none quite work. He shows one and says, “That’s a strong ring, and I hear Andi’s a strong woman.”

To which Josh replies, “She is. She’s a very strong woman.”

“And you can handle that?”

“Oh absolutely I can. She’s a strong woman and that’s a very sexy quality to me,” Josh says. They laugh. Joshua is making me like him more by the second. What is happening to me you guys?

They finally settle on a huge oval cut diamond ring that is, of course, encrusted by a billion other diamonds. It is very pretty. It’s too much for me, but I’m not Andi.

So then we cut over to Nick who is very excited to look at some rings from King Neil. He gets up to answer the knock on the door, but to his surprise and MUCH to my own, it is Andi standing before him. DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Then before we get to hear anything about what actually happens, we have to talk to some of Bachelor Nation’s favorites about what’s about to happen. No one cares, least of all Michelle Money who asks the question of everyone’s mind: Who will be the next Bachelor? And while Chrarrison skirts about the answer, the cameras zoom in on Farmer Chris’ face again and again. The whole studio audience chants “Chris.”  It’s very obvious that it’s Farmer Chris, although they refuse to actually just say it is.

But back to the actual matter at hand: Nick’s impending doom. They have a seat and Andi starts off with, “I was thinking about what you said at night, and…thought about how you said the last time you got engaged, you woke up that morning and you didn’t think something was right. And I woke up this morning and didn’t feel that something was right.” Then her voice starts to wobble because the emotional truth is coming out. That Nick is not her guy. She just keeps repeating “It’s not right.”

Nick is many things right now. He is shocked. He is sad. He is angry. He is confused. So he just starts talking and is rambling about how he doesn’t understand how she could look at him the way she did and react the way she did to him telling her that he loved her and not mean it. So she tries to defend herself that she did mean it but now she just knows that a life with him would just be a life of overanalyzing every moment.

Woah. Way harsh, Tai.  That was way harsh.

So then Nick jumps on the Way Harsh train and asks, “Is this really about us or is it about someone else?”

And Andi, sitting there tearfully, doesn’t respond because she is a lady and will spare him the torment of the answer to that question. Then Nick says some very interesting things. He says, “Sometimes I feel like you took it too far…Just remember when we were in the water and I told you that I loved you and you said ‘I wish I could say things back.’…There are just some things I wish you wouldn’t have said or done.” Like…sex? Is that what you’re pissed about Nick? You’re gonna throw her under the bus for that?

But Andi leaves with hardly another word and walks out into the rain. I bet the producers were giddy with glee over timing this exactly with the thirty minutes a day that it rains in the Dominican Republic. Nick stares out his balcony for a while then begins to pack. We watch him fold his boxer-briefs and then throw away all his roses from the pocket of his carry on. Ah, buddy. Methink you flew a little too close to the sun, Icarus.

At least she did it this way to save you the further embarrassment of picking out a ring, ACTUALLY PROPOSING, and THEN getting dumped on a platform on which her future happiness will also begin. CONSIDER THAT, IN YOUR AGONY NICK! CONSIDER THAAAAAAT.

But we have no more time for agony, we have an engagement to get to. Andi is looking beautiful in a cream chiffon dress with embellished neck. Josh is wearing a suit that appears to be made for a toddler. It’s so tight on his giant arms and is streeeeeeeetched all across his back and totally puckered where he’s buttoned it. What? Did they lose his suit and have to put him in Nick’s?

Josh starts his speech to Andi by saying that he left baseball (???) to find a great lover that was out there. “And then I found you Andi Dorfman,” he says. And ok, fine, I love that he uses her full name. He waxes poetic about how much and how he loves her. How lucky and blessed he is to have found her and how much he loves her bright smile and her eyes. AND DAMMIT. I like this speech. But also shut up.

Then it’s Andi’s turn to say her piece. She starts off slowly and builds that it was scary to know that Josh would only say I love you to the woman who would be his wife. But then she says the only way to describe what she’s feeling is “Love. Josh I love you. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you. I’m madly in love with you.”

And then Josh is so happy because he was scared for a second! Then he gets on one knee and says, “Andi Jeanette Dorfman,” FULL POINTS FOR USING HER FULL NAME, “Will you marry me?” And she says YES! Of COURSE! And then they kiss for what feels like seventeen hours because we hear at full volume every single smackey-smackey kiss they share. THAT IS ENOUGH OF THE KISSY SOUND. Maybe turn the mic packs down a touch?

Josh accepts the final rose amid another hurricane of kisses. They just keep saying I love you to each other and then kissing and Josh is the sweatiest monster of all sweat monsters. And they sit on the dock at watch the sun set.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote. Kind of. Some shit went down at the After the Final Rose ceremony that we’re going to need to discuss, but for now, this is where we’re at. I’ll be sharing some AFR thoughts later. Until then SO MANY KISSES AND HUGS to all you readers. Infinite thanks for making this such a fun thing to do. And I really hope you’ll watch Bachelor in Paradise with me. 

The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is time, my fine feathered friends. Time for the end of the greatest circus in the world that is The Bachelorette. Andi will be proposed to by two men (OR WILL SHE???[she will]), and have to make a decision about with whom she will spend the rest of her life. 

And watching someone go through all this on TV may leave you with a strong desire to imbibe. I get it, brothers and sisters. I get it. For your viewing and drinking pleasure, I present unto you: The Bachelorette Drinking Game.

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink:

The word “journey” is used

The word “connection” is used

Someone refers to “the process”

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms on his glowing dais of love

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says “picture the rest of my life”, “spend the rest of my life”, “could envision the rest of my life” or any other “rest of my life” phrases

Andi does a voice over while she walks around a resort/beach

Andi does a voice over whilst standing on a balcony/ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Andi says "Staaaahhhp"

Andi frowns very, very deeply while speaking

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise”, “fairytale”, or “something out of a dream”

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Andi

- They bring back the old Peter Cetera song to montage the lovebirds journey

- The couple is already broken up by the After the Final Rose Special

Cheers and happy viewing!

The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All Recap

Guys, guys, guys, guys! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE RECAP BEFORE THE WHOLE SHOW COMES TO A DRAMATIC CLOSE! This is also the final recap I have to complete in order to be “caught up” with the show. It may have taken me three weeks to get “caught up” but catch up I did! But you won’t catch ME putting KATSUP on my hotdogs because I’m a Chicago girl, OKAY?! Ha ha ha, we have fun here don’t we? I’ve had a few beers tonight, and we are entering into hour six of the Bachelorette that I have consumed this week alongside little else in terms of entertainment so I fear I may be losing it. Bear with me though because sometimes a few loose screws is all it takes to make the ride FUN (and sometimes deadly but today it’s about FUN).

My main man Chris Harrison comes trotting out to his blue-lit platform of love to welcome us to a very special evening. Before anything regarding the current season happens, we have some time to kill with Ashley and JP who are pregnant with their first child! They are my favorite couple ever from this show, and maybe ever in general. I just ADORE Ashley and JP, and Ashley is a stunningly beautiful pregnant woman.

She is due in October, and we also learn that they moved to Miami. Cool stuff guys. I love you, but what are we doing here? Oh. Oh God. Oh my god. We are doing a live ultra-sound. Oh no. Oh my. They are going to “find out if it’s a boy or a girl right here.” Which, we as an audience will, but Ashley posted a sonogram a while ago of a baby boy. So that’s not really breaking live television.

But we’re really going through with this. We are honest to God doing a live ultra-sound with Ashley busting open her cute maxi-dress just a bit and the doctor slopping on the goop. First they make a SOLID joke of putting Chris Harrison’s face over the ultra-sound image. I laugh for what feels like hours (jk). Then the technician mashes the ultra-sound thingy all over her stomach to show “an ear” (a blob) and “a thumb” (another blob) and finally reveal that it’s a boy!

JP says he would’ve been happy no matter what, as long as it’s healthy, but is thrilled to be getting a son. Ugh. I hated that so much, but Ashley and JP are still so cute I can’t stand it. And I guess if you could basically fulfill your child’s college fund by doing a live ultra-sound of it before it’s even in its third trimester, you would do that.

Now we get an extended preview of Bachelor in Paradise which is going to be juicy and vile and so fun and so, so hard to watch. I can’t wait. I don’t recap the Bachelor Pad/In Paradise seasons, but you can bet I’ll be tweeting my thoughts like crazy.

Nearly twenty minutes into the show, we finally get to the Men of the Men Tell All. Everybody is back and looking sharp. They do a little practical joke by everyone wearing scarves! I mean yes, a bunch of the guys wore scarves this season, so it’s cute, but I would have thought they were genius if it had been turtlenecks.

Ugh, man, remember how hot Hot Carl was? Hot Carl is still so, so hot. Coach Brian is adorable as ever. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face managed a hair cut between filming and now, but it’s still some pretty bad hair.

The first video package rolled is the overview of all the negative drama between the guys from this season. We get Craig drinking too much; we get JJ saying it’s hard to be happy for other guys’ successes; we get Andrew being a gold medalist douche canoe; and we get Andrew being a racist douche kayak.

Chrarrison decides to dive in head first to “the most sensitive issue of the season”, WHICH IS NOT ERIC’S DEATH MIND YOU, but the alleged racist comment made by Andrew. Racism = very sensitive issue, but I just think the whole way they sensationalized Eric’s death is a little more sensitive. But they don’t care what I think do they?

Anyways Marquel talks a little about how after hearing from his close friend JJ what Andrew might have said, he wanted to pray and think about how to address the situation. The audience applauds as he said he knew he was representing not only himself but also his family, his friends, and many others. Ron, who was the other man of color included in the original alleged statement that Andi chose “the two blackies,” commends Marquel for how respectfully and gentlemanly he handled himself.

And then the funniest most horrendous thing happens. Andrew starts to say his part and says, “I completely agree with the way that Ron approached…” and is interrupted by Marquel saying and pointing at himself, “Marquel”.

“I’m sorry what?”

“Marquel…You said Ron,” Marquel gently says.

And then you can see the color and light leave Andrew’s face as he apologizes. Now, Marquel says, “No worries.” But I feel like he SHOULD be worried because in a discussion where Andrew is desperately trying to clear his name for being an alleged racist, THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS CONFUSE THE ONLY TWO BLACK GUYS SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, to be fair, Ron had just spoken. But also, to be fair, they are two completely different people, and Andrew spent a lot more time with Marquel. And also oh my GOD you guys he called him by the wrong black person’s naaaaaaaaaaaaame.

So then they get down to really trying to divine what happened and what was said. We get to see the video of it where you can only see that he leans over to say something to JJ, but there’s no audio. Then Nick S says that he knows something was said, but there was a lot of chatter.

Andrew continues to be kind of a smug jerk about it, though. He’s such an asshole, that whether or not he did say “blackies”, he’s still a shit-hole of a person. Andrew attacks JJ and tears him down by saying that his credibility is spent and that he’s a person who doesn’t deserve respect. And shut up Andrew. Look at your life. Look at your choices. I would like to cordially invite you to eat boners, so shut up. I would like to be done with Andrew.

Farmer Chris even gets on the hating on JJ train. I just don’t think JJ is a bad dude. They are all questioning at this point how JJ handled what he heard, and that JJ is a snake. But Marquel, being a good dude, brings it all back around to how he loses respect for Andrew for  deflecting all this blame rather than just straight up apologizing to Marquel for anything potentially offending him. “I can forgive you for what you said, but I can never forgive the ignorance that is racism,” Marquel says. And Andrew is trying to applaud too and be like “I agree!” And then FINALLY Andrew apologizes. It took him ten minutes of accusations flying to apologize.

Apparently Marquel was a huge fan favorite this season, and I missed that memo.  But before Marquel gets into the hot seat, JJ decides to interrupt. Oh god here we go again. What is it JJ? He tries to get off his chest that he’s sorry if his actions were misconstrued, and then Chris and Brian both basically tell him to shut up. I don’t know. I don’t care about JJ’s role in this, so let’s move on.

Let’s talk to Marquel about god knows what because what is there even to talk to Marquel about? We hear more from Andi about Marquel in this video package than we ever did during the show. When he and the Chrarrs sit down to talk, they boil everything down to him being stuck in the Friend Zone. Ok. I will give Marquel a ton of bonus points for wearing an adorable cookie lapel pin on his jacket. And then he hands out cookies to the audience! Marquel is a class act, but he’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise which concerns me. We’ll just have to see.

Marcus gets up on the hot seat to talk about his shocking goodbye. The women go wild for him, and much like Marquel, I just don’t get it. Marcus has only the kindest things to say about how he truly loved Andi and that she helped him mature and grow as a man. He is looking forward to talking to Andi about a few things.  

But again, Marcus is on Bachelor in Paradise, so I’m not TOO worried about either his willingness or his ability to find love. Chris Harrison is talking about Bachelor in Paradise as if it hasn’t already happened though. Am I in a fever dream? Did they not already show us ten minutes of preview?

Next is Chris’ turn in the hot seat with Chrarrison. The women go absolutely bonkers for him, and I can’t blame them.  Chris also speaks very highly of Andi, but wishes that he could have had more time with her and perhaps different time, where it could have been just the two of them.

And then Chris is interrupted by what I can only guess is a full blown psychotic woman from the audience. Even Chris Harrison is stunned, saying, “Apparently this is an open mic talk show now.” So this woman’s name is Ketra which is a CRAZY name. And then she sits down on the couch and says she’s Canadian and from a small town, and asks “Do you think you’re going to meet someone in Iowa?” WHAT THE HELL? THAT’S A BIZARRE QUESTION. She’s beautiful. But obviously crazy. Chris is blushing hardcore because how uncomfortable is this?

Chrarrison puts them on a speed date while we are on a commercial break, and that sounds horrid. Poor Chris. Obviously being set up with a beautiful but clearly INSANE woman. Chris is respectful and delightful as she leaves him her phone number, but I still feel like that’s never going to happen because she’s out of her goddamn mind.

Finally, we trot Andi out on stage in a skintight, sparkly number. She looks great. We go first to Chris to talk to Andi. He asks what happened to lead to her letting him go. So, Andi just kind of repeats herself from what she said when she actually broke up with Chris. Then Marcus asks Andi what happened, and if his saying “I love you” so fast scared her. Andi repeats herself again that she just didn’t feel the same way as fast as Marcus. Then Cody fires away that he’s sad Andi never got to see “The Real Cody”, and Andi is like, well I just wasn’t feeling it so I owed you the respect to just send you home.

Now Marquel fires one off! What the heck is this? I feel like she’s up against a firing squad. She is 100% holding her own though and respectfully, diplomatically answering every question. Marquel asks why they didn’t get out of the friend zone. Andi says she thinks the romance wasn’t there, and they just always had fun as friends. They laugh when he jokes how she was too shy to kiss him but really he was too shy to kiss her.

Then Nick S fires away that he feels that she really had her guard up when they were talking at the second rose ceremony. Shut up Nick S, no one cares about you. Andi is so kind in saying that it’s hard to just constantly be vulnerable and she’s sorry if he felt he was being brushed off. Once again, shut up dude.

Then Chrarrison introduces Andi to the infamous party crasher Chris Bukowski. He’s in the audience because he’s on Bachelor in Paradise. So they finally get to meet from across a studio audience.

And that’s the end of that. What the hell? That was the strangest Q&A I’ve ever seen on this show. And so short. It was just a rapid fire rehashing of things we’ve already discussed ad nauseam on the show.

Chrarrison helps clear the air that Andi is not in any way pregnant. Then Chris brings out the results of the lie detector tests from Italy. We find out that Coach Brian, Farmer Chris, and JJ told no lies. Marcus lied about having slept with fewer than twenty women. Oopsies. Dylan told the truth about NOT always washing his hands, so he whips out his hand sanitizer. But his lies were about preferring brunettes AND being ready for marriage. When it comes down to Josh’s results though, Andi decides to not reveal his results and let the trust remain.

Then it’s finally time for bloopers! They are short this year and not really worth it. But the show is now over! WHAT A WEIRD MEN TELL ALL. THE WEIRDEST.

I will see you all on Monday for the posting of the Official Drinking Game Rules! The recap will go up on Wednesday, but I will be live tweeting the finale over @Chasspod so join me there! Fill up that ask box if you have any burning questions left on your minds going into the finale. I’ll see you there.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

Hello again everyone. Back so soon for more Bachelorette good times? We are so close to finishing this thing I can taste it. I can also taste the Jewel brand chocolate chip cookies I am mainlining into my face-hole right now, but I can also dimly taste the sense of accomplishment of finishing this season. Let’s savor, shall we?

We are in the tropical island paradise of rich culture and generally impoverished people of the Dominican Republic. The producers give us that special, special time with Andi where instead of watching her walk around the resort thinking back on her relationships with the three remaining men, we watch Andi journal through her relationships with the three remaining men. Let’s boil down the whole segment: Andi likes Josh; Andi likes Chris; Andi likes Nick.

The one thing this whole video montage made me remember were all the amazing turtlenecks we saw this season. There were some really great turtlenecks, but I think that now, mercifully, we are spared from the wrath of sweaters evocative of the necks of turtles because of the Caribbean climate.

Andi is thrilled for her first one-on-one date this week with Nick. She is really excited to spend so much time with him. They hop right into a helicopter (yay!) to go see the gorgeous coast of the island of Hispaniola on which the Dominican Republic, along with Haiti, resides. So don’t say I never taught you anything.

They land on a private island with a private beach and private picnicking and snorkel gear! I want to snorkel there! Before they snorkel they make out in the water a lot. Then they sit on the beach and have a very important discussion on how Nick really felt after his bad break ups. He fumbles over his words to tell Andi how he really feels which is that he loves her. He rambles and bumbles and stops and starts. My roommate makes a very good point that Nick’s emotions for Andi are obviously real because there’s no way he’d be so dorky and fumbling over the right words if he was a player. He’d have it all scripted out. Good point, Casey.

After that awkward conversation, they snorkel! And make out. Mostly making out under the guise of snorkeling.

They get back to the main island for a moonlit dinner on the beach. And some boring stuff happens but then the BEST THING HAPPENS. In the grand tradition of the guys doing weird shit to show their love, Nick has written AND ILLUSTRATED a fairytale about him and Andi’s love. WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED A FAIRYTALE. YOU GUYS.

He even went to the trouble of distressing the edges of the illustrations before pasting them with a glue stick onto the pages of a red leather bound book onto which he had also pasted the typed out words of the story. It looks long as hell too. Andi is of course the best sport and may even genuinely be really touched by this weird, weird, weird gesture.

Andi then presents him with the Fantasy Suite card and he rambles along before finally saying that he’s trying to say yes. Nick tries one last time to express his full emotions by pulling Andi aside to talk to her by a palm tree. He then enumerates all the things he likes about her and tells her that he loves her. “You know, you’re it for me. And it’s terrifying. But when you know, you know,” he says. There you go Nick! That’s all you needed to say. Andi is of course contractually obligated not to say I love you back, but she kisses the shit out of him. They go into the fantasy suite and that’s that. They presumably bone their little brains out.

Now it’s time for Josh’s day of fun with Andi! They are in the capital city of Santo Domingo which is inland and therefore five million degrees hotter than the coast. They explore the city and try different foods and drinks. And surprise! Josh speaks Spanish! As a fellow hispanohablante, this makes me like him just a smidgeon more. They dance in the square together and make the most out of both being bad dancers.

Then Josh endears himself to me even more by speaking Spanish to a bunch of little kids that they play baseball with. That’s really sweet and a cool activity. As long as they weren’t actually disrupting a game that these kids were playing. Eh. Let’s pretend they didn’t!

After the game they have a talk on a park bench and Josh tells Andi that he loves her. Andi is thrilled and they kiss a lot. Josh even calls out the fact that he knows Andi can’t say anything back. Interesting. And a bold move for Josh to put himself out there and “put his guard down” with Andi.

Dinner is at a beautiful resort where the both of them sweat buckets. I can’t really focus on the discussion for all the sweat pouring out of their faces. They talk about how they would be as parents and what they want out of the relationship and the future. So after much talking AND NO EATING. NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. NO, NO, NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. You can’t go to the fantasy suite on an empty stomach! The thing that kills me is that the napkins are still in the napkin rings. The food hasn’t even been pushed around to give the appearance of having been eaten. When do these people eat???

They go to walk to the fantasy suite and watch a fireworks show. Then go into a seriously plush ass fantasy suite. It’s the size of a small mansion. They are excited to just be together and “have more time to spend together”. Why this show tries so hard to be coy about what happens inside those fantasy suites is beyond me, but they just are.

Andi and Chris meet in the middle of the countryside of Rancho Peligro (Danger Ranch!). She is wearing this caftan-like top that would be a real cute beach cover-up but not a skirt/dress like she’s wearing. And in these tiny little short-shorts Andi is going horseback riding. NO thanks. No thank you. Farmer Chris is excited and feeling confident. Andi is nervous, very, very frightfully nervous. And she should be because wearing shorty-shorts on horseback in 10000 degree heat would be hell on earth.

Chris is being so supportive and patient with Andi as she panics on her horse. She is not good at riding that horse. It’s hard to be that bad at sitting on a horse. They stop at an obliging tree for a little picnic. Chris is so sweet. Andi takes the time to tell him how much she loved his whole family. They do more generally sweet stuff and even play hide and seek which they call ghost in the graveyard, but we all know that ghost in the graveyard is only for when it’s dark out. So there.

The two change out of horse-riding mode and settle down to have a poolside chat. They talk more about “the Iowa thing”. Chris tries to tell her that he knows how hard it would be for her to make the transition to Iowa life, but that it’s not beyond her grasp to be successful there. Andi makes some good points that it’s hard to take a gamble on moving to Iowa and putting all this faith in a decision they don’t know will work out.

Then she picks up the fantasy suite card and says that making the decision to give that card with so many unknowns with Chris is going to be hard. And he pauses and says, “I don’t know where you want me to…what you want me to do at this point.” She starts to get pretty emotional as they continue the discussion. Chris takes the opportunity to once again tell her that he’s in love with her.

“I could sit here and blame it on Iowa and take the easy way out…but part of it is because I don’t see the foundation is there with us,” she tearfully says to him. Oh, Chris. Oh poor Chris. To tell a woman you love her and for her to say she’s not on the same page on NATIONAL TELEVISION has got to be a bitter pill to swallow. She continues to explain everything to him very sadly that she just is not in love with him like he is in love with her.

Chris, like the true gentleman and man that he is, is so gracious and respectful to her. You can see in the slump of his shoulders how crushed he is. He is absolutely crestfallen, and it is so hard to watch. Andi even says that “on paper” he has everything that a woman could ever want, but “my heart and my head don’t match up”.

And then they get up to say their final good-bye, and you guys, I’m not kidding, I lose it. I lose it and cry a little because Chris COULD NOT BE A NICER PERSON. He tells her what an amazing woman she is even as she denies it. She apologizes again and he says, “Don’t be sorry. You can’t control your feelings. I want you to feel all the things I feel for you, but if you don’t, then let me go home.” She tells him how grateful she is to know him and that he was there for this whole experience, and they hug goodbye. This show made me cry you guys. What is happening?

IT’S JUST TESTAMENT TO WHAT A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING CHRIS IS. I NOW HAVE ZERO DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE OUR NEXT BACHELOR BECAUSE HOW COULD HE NOT BE AFTER THIS????

For the ruse of the Rose Ceremony, Andi is wearing a guava pink chiffon sack. It’s beautiful to be sure but a sack nonetheless. She sits down with Chrarrison to debrief the whole week from her breakup with Chris the night before to both men telling her that they are in love. Andi weighs the positives and negatives of both guys to help us fill the time that would’ve been occupied by a rose ceremony.

But they decide to still go through a rose ceremony because the men still need to accept a rose to say that they are still 100% in this. And after they have accepted that rose, to say that could see getting down on one knee after meeting Andi’s family.

The boys are both trotted out to a small dais on the edge of the sea. When Chrarrison comes down to greet them, he tells them that Chris is no longer there much to their surprise. But this is now the third season in a row where there have only been two contestants left at the rose ceremony after the fantasy suite dates. In Desiree’s season Brooks went home early, last season Andi dumped Juan Pablo, and now Chris was let go before the fantasy suite.

With little ado, the roses are given out to Nick and Josh respectively. They are all smiling and so happy to be almost at an end. Josh is sweating through his navy blue shirt and light gray pants so hard.

Josh says he can already picture her being called Andi Murray because that “has a nice ring to it.” Darn tootin’ it does because that’s already the name of a famous tennis player. A really famous tennis player. So that might be why you can already hear that name clanging around your head.

THAT’S IT GUYS! WE JUST HAVE THE MEN TELL ALL LEFT AND THEN THE FINALE WILL BE NIGH UPON US! WE’RE SO CLOSE! THAT TASTE IS SO STRONG IN MY MOUTH!!!!! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD FOR MORE FUN TIMES AND ALSO FOLLOW HERE ON TUMBLR FOR OTHER JUICY GOSSIP AND ME YELLING IN ALL CAPS ABOUT THINGS I LIKE! BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

We are really in the homestretch now kids. We’ve got Hometown Dates right now, then onto Fantasy Suite, a quick stop by the Men Tell All, and then we’re done. Wow. From that side it looks like nothing, from my end it looks like a lot of work. But let’s stop dithering and just get to the goods!

The first stop on Andi’s nationwide trip to meet her potential in-laws is Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Nick. This bodes well for him and his family, as the first stop is never the most titillating or scandalous. They do a great job making Milwaukee look like a nice place and not a sad, forgotten step child of Chicago. They go to the Milwaukee Public Market and do fun things like eat cheese, try cheese, sample cheese. All cheese all day! Jealouuus! Then they go on a brewery tour, and one of the beer pulls is called the Nick and Andi with a rose on it. Ok. Then Andi doesn’t know what the polka is…has she never seen HOME ALONE at least? Or like been exposed to any kind of anything to know what a polka is?

Nick has a big old family in the adorable town of Waukesha, Wisconsin. There are a lot of brothers and sisters and boyfriends and fiancés and husbands and wives. It is a HUGE family. But I’m still just distracted about how weird Nick’s mouth and teeth are? Have we talked about this before? His teeth are like tiny and he has little fish lips. Nick talks to his older sister about how he is definitely in love with Andi. That same sister Maria gets emotional talking to Andi about how she just doesn’t want to see him hurt again.

His ADORABLE youngest sister Bella has a list of prepared questions for Andi like “What do you like most about my brother?” She’s freaking cute. I can’t stand how cute she is. Andi is also really great with her. I love this segment with no irony!

Nick’s talk with his mom about how much he loves Andi and wants to spend his life with her is great. He cries! Nick cries because he feels that Andi is a half of him that has been missing! Ok. Alright. We’re at the point of the show where I feel things. I feel things. A boy crying to his mom who is also crying about how much he loves a girl? I mean come on. I’m not a monster.

As they kiss good-bye, Nick doesn’t take the opportunity to tell her he loves her. He says there will be time to do that later. “I don’t think of her as the Bachelorette anymore. I just think of her as my girl,” Nick says as his parting words.

Next stop is Arlington, Iowa (Population 758) to meet Farmer Chris and his down-home family! “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here,” Andi says of her trepidations of really seeing what life would be like in Iowa. Chris looks super handsome in a vest and a plaid shirt on his own farm. I’m dying.

They go on a quick tour of his house. It’s a great little house that overlooks his huge farm. Andi is very impressed by a guy who owns a home rather than having a dinky apartment. Then Chris takes Andi out on the tractor to see the farm from that perspective, and he even lets her drive! She sits on his lap as he teaches her how to drive this humongous John Deer tractor.

“She asked me if she could sit on my lap and I said ‘I will never say no that question from you ever, I promise you that’,” Chris tells the cameras. Oh, swoon. Farmer Chris really tugging at the old heartstrings over here. Then they have a lovely little picnic in the middle of such a huge field I can’t see where it starts or ends.

Then they discuss what would happen if they live together. Chris really feels that Iowa is important to him and his whole life and family. He’s very understanding that you have to enjoy your lifestyle and where you live otherwise you’ll never be happy even if you’re in love. And then Andi asks what she would do for work in Arlington, Iowa and the FIRST THING CHRIS SAYS IS, “Well there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” And then I black out for forty-five minutes.

ANDI IS A LAWYER. FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA. YOU DON’T HAVE THE KIND OF WORK ETHIC AND DRIVE AND INTELLIGENCE TO GO THROUGH LAW SCHOOL TO JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY TO BE A HOME MAKER WITH THE JUNIOR LEAGUE. WHAT. GOOD LORD. KILL ME. I WOULD RATHER DIE.

But then he says that Cedar Rapids is a vibrant community that isn’t too far away, and she would have opportunities to practice law in some form. And I’m breathing regular air again and not just steam and fire.

And then I black out for another forty-five minutes because as they’re sitting there Chris points up to a crop-duster plane dragging a sign that says “Chris loves Andi!” and he says, “no secret admirer anymore!” And Andi is so completely taken by it. She says it’s the most romantic gesture ever. I want to die at how hokey and tacky and like not cute that is.

They arrive at Chris’ parents’ farm house which is very large and modern and nice. They are successful farmers I guess. There are so many huge bear hugs that happen as soon as Chris and Andi walk in the door. His mother Linda and his father Gary (GARY!) are adorable. His sisters are adorable too. I love this family.

The three sisters get together with Andi and cackle as they share dirty secrets about Chris’ childhood. They also sing his praises and you can tell how much they love him and are proud of him. I like those ladies a lot. They are good sisters.

Chris’s mom is the BEST THOUGH. She’s THE BEST. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She is straight talking and smart and knows TRUTH, y’all. When Chris says that it may seem strange he’s fallen in love so fast she says, “Well no. When it’s love it happens just like that. It doesn’t take much time with love.” And then she tells him how she was a girl from town and had never driven a tractor, but she met his father and seeing him on a tractor would just stop her heart. So she adapted and raised her kids on a farm and drove a tractor, and there’s nothing nowadays that would stop Andi from being a successful woman who also lives on a farm.

LIKE I SAID, THE BEST. She never said homemaker either so props to mom.

Then Linda and Andi talk and Linda continues to be adorable and supportive and the best. “Times have changed. I want you to know that if you want to have your career, or even if you don’t, you can still have that on a farm. As long as you have gumption like I’ve got gumption. I think you’ve got gumption,” she tells Andi. SHE’S THE BEST MOM WHO’S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW. SHE AMAZING LIKE SEAN’S DAD IS AMAZING.

At the end of the night, the whole family of grown adults plays ghost in the graveyard. You guys. His family is amazing. Andi finds Chris and he whispers, “you’re so smart!” Andi says she is on cloud nine at the end of such an amazing hometown date.

Now we’re in what must be one of the Living Hell’s on Earth, Tampa, Florida for Josh’s hometown date. Josh is such a bro-ey dork I can’t stand it. They go to a park and play some baseball. He’s such a jock. Andi loves every second of him playing baseball and being in his element. I don’t get it. I don’t really get it with Josh in general. He’s too much of a meathead. He’s sweet and genuinely likes Andi but what else? What else is there?

A point of interest for me is that Josh played professional baseball for a number of years and then quit so he could be around his family more and support his little brother as he played quarterback in college and is now trying to get drafted. I’m always suspicious of families that push their children to be professional athletes. Same with show-biz families. Suspicious.

Andi is worried that tonight’s dinner will be all about Aaron and the NFL draft, which is special, but it’s also a special time for Josh as he might be introducing his family to his future wife.  Josh has a reasonably sized family of just two parents and one brother and one sister. Josh even cries a little bit as he introduces them all. His brother Aaron looks like his twin. His brother Aaron also gives the toast at dinner which is so f***ed I can’t really believe it.

Then they talk for what seems like three days about Aaron and the NFL. Andi doesn’t say two words because she doesn’t know anything about it.

His mom and dad talk to Andi only about if she’s willing to be part of their family inasmuch as they will be going to all of Aaron’s games if he’s drafted. They are very protective and very close as a family and that worries Andi. She worries that if she had a family with Josh, they wouldn’t have their own lives as well.

When Josh and his mother talk, she tells him that he has put himself last for so long that he deserves all this great love he’s got coming. Aaron is pretty nice too but I still can’t get over that the son gave the toast at family dinner. That’s not ok.

At the end of the day, she had a nice time because Andi is hell bent on always having fun. But I think Josh’s family is a little intense and the least “homey” feeling she’s gotten so far.

Finally, we go to Dallas, Texas for Marcus’ hometown. They just drive around (in his BENZ) as he plays tour guide to his city. Marcus has already said he’s in love and has expressed the he would already be ready to marry Andi. Andi’s worried this is too fast for where she is at with Marcus.

And then they go into an honest to shit night club in the day, and the Marcus walks away and comes back IN THE SAILOR COSTUME FROM THAT STRIP SHOW DATE. AND THEN HE DOES THE DANCE. SOLO. FOR ANDI.

I black out for at least ninety minutes this time. So awkward and uncomfortable but Andi is like, “it was so hot! Marcus is so hot! I wasn’t complaining!” And I’m not entertained. She says that Marcus is the hottest guy she’s ever dated which is so confusing to me. Like, he’s good looking, but he is not THAT insanely on-fire attractive. Right? Am I crazy here? Am I alone in this?

They walk into his family home and wow, wow, wow are they Polish. Marcus kind of sneaks by as not looking super Polish, but his family are the most Polish looking people imaginable. Beautiful, beautiful people with beautiful eastern European things all over the house. I love it. This feels right at home to me.

Andi and his sister Kathy talk about how Andi feels a little intimidated by the fact that Marcus falls so fast in love and is so quick in expressing it. She wonders if she can catch up to where he is emotionally.

Marcus has a very emotional conversation with is older brother Conrad about how much he appreciates and is grateful to him for being a father-figure to him when their dad left. Real emotions once again!

His lovely mother has a sweet conversation with Andi about how she was able to open Marcus up so quickly with his emotions and trust. “You are very bright and intelligent and of course very beautiful,” Elena says, “I see the sparkles in his eyes when he looks at you!” She is so sweet.

At the end of the night, Marcus tears up as he tells Andi that he loves her and is so happy she met his great family. Andi is touched by this and is really touched by how kind and warm his family was.

And then we break to Chris Harrison’s home in Los Angeles. All the guys and Andi gather with a full film crew to be told the news that Eric Hill has passed away. I don’t think they should have filmed this in the first place. I don’t think they should have shown it. I don’t agree with how much they showed and how long they showed it, so I’m not going to say anything about it other than that it is of course very sad and very difficult to watch people hear the news that someone they know has died.

Magically, twenty-four hours later, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. We start off right away with a fireside chat with Chris Harrison. My rock, Chris Harrison. Andi is very emotional about absolutely everything. She is emotional about Eric’s death, and sending someone home after meeting the families, and feeling happy about her love while something so tragic happened.

Chrarrison is so wise and strong and tells Andi that it’s ok to show emotion and that she doesn’t have to fake it up there, to just allow the emotions to flow and be true to herself. She pulls herself together long enough to come out to the rose ceremony and tell the guys how grateful she is for the love shown by their families. Then she picks up the first rose, pauses, and has to run off screen because she’s so overcome by emotion.

But we press on. And the first rose goes to Josh which greatly surprises me. The next goes to Chris which doesn’t surprise me at all. And then it’s down to Nick and Marcus, and, unsurprisingly it goes to Nick. He’s been her favorite for so long, and Marcus was the only one with whom she expressed any doubts. Poor Marcus. They have a very emotional good-bye. I feel bad for Marcus, but I know he’s going to get back. Andi says, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you gave me.” Which is deep and cuts deep. He’ll be ok. He will!

We must move ever onwards however. The famed and infamous Fantasy Suite dates are up next in beautiful Dominican Republic.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We’re back together again so soon. Isn’t this nice? I get to binge watch, and you can binge read right alongside me? Is not this simpler? Jk jk jk I’m not Loki. On today’s episode, Andi and the six remaining guys migrate to Brussels, Belgium. The episode is rife with tension and drama as the decisions made here will impact who goes home for the coveted Home Town Dates. And now, we begin.

The dudes are really showing off their muscles in Brussels! HA HA HA I’m so sorry (not really) but I had to. I had to. Anywho, the city is beautiful European, old-world blah blah very pretty. The boys are very excited about their plush ass suite, BUT LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU: DYLAN BAD-HAIR GOOD-FACE HAS PULLED HIS BAD HAIR INTO A TEENY-TINY PONYTAIL. IT’S SO TINY, BUT IT’S GREASY AND IT’S THERE. Do you think Dylan BH-GF has become self-aware?

Chrarrison stops by the plush ass suite to imbue the guys with a sense of dread of how important the home town dates are. Nick’s confidence is really starting to rub the guys the wrong way. He is very, very determined to be with this woman, but it’s not in a The Notebook kind of way. It’s in a jerky, almost creepy sort of way.

Marcus gets the first of two one-on-ones this week. There will also be a group date with a rose that guarantees a hometown date and then an additional one-on-one.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that Andi isn’t wearing a f***ing, GD turtleneck for her date with Marcus, but I can’t. Because I’d be lying. Because SOMEHOW wardrobe has finagled her into yet another turtleneck. WHAT HAS THIS SHOW AND MY LIFE BECOME THAT TURTLENECKS ABOUND?

Marcus and Andi do the standard Bachelorette date of just exploring the city doing fun things. I am really jealous of this one. They go to a beautiful chocolate shop, take selfies with landmarks, and buy some tacky souvenirs. They even eat mussels in Brussels at a sweet sidewalk café. Marcus tells her that he is full throttle in love with her. And for the first time, in this light at this angle, Marcus looks really good to me. He’s still a little boring, but at least he’s getting hotter? That’s not a thing, Cassie.

They eat an amazing Belgian waffle and she says, “I’m glad you’re a good eater!” They kiss. He talks to camera, and you can see the excitement and love radiating off of him. Ugh. Realness.

They change into fancy-wear and go to a big Belgian palace for dinner. Immediately we get into heavy topics like how Marcus’s dad left his mom and his younger siblings. Andi asks more about the people who would be at the date (as opposed to his father), and Marcus would love to share his family with him. It’s heavy stuff. His mom and his relationship was difficult, but they are in a good place now.

Then Andi and Marcus make out. A lot. In different locations. Making out. YEAAAAH!

Marcus comes home from the date, and Nick realizes that Andi must be somewhere in the hotel. And a plot doth form in his young mind. He trots off into the night to find his lady. Remember when I thought Nick was a simple, normal guy? Yeah I don’t think that assumption was correct. Andi is so shocked to see him because she was worried that something was wrong.

She changes into her casual clothes and they go for a midnight walk in Brussels. They end up at a sidewalk café together. It’s so romantic! SHUT UP! This is a bold, bold move, and Andi is right, it’s against the rules. But just like our old friend Clare, fortune favors the bold.  Nick tells her that he thinks about marrying her. They makeout at the café like a couple of real Europeans.

“I think if I had to chose one word to describe my relationship with Nick, it would have to be passion,” Andi says. “When he kisses me I can feel what he is thinking. It’s hot! It’s so hot.” Girlfriend I get it. But also be careful because the guys are going to resent him big time for this.

Then Josh gets the second one-on-one. “Let’s Ghent it on” the card reads. Whatever could it mean? Just kidding, it obviously means they’ll be exploring Ghent. They eat chocolate at several locations. Yes please! Andi wants Josh to get to a place where he can express his feelings. But then there’s a goose parade? Yes. That’s right. It’s a goose parade. Europeans, man. They love whimsy.

Andi is practically prying his true feelings out of him. He’s scared to and isn’t sharing quite like all the other guys and he needs to do that in order to stick around.

They have dinner in a giant, old castle. It’s amazing. They cuddle up on a couch set in this huge medieval hall. Andi asks more about why he was so uncomfortable last week. After much more mumbling and stumbling over his words, Josh tells Andi that he is, in fact, falling in love with her. And that to take a girl home to his family means that that is someone he might want to marry.

And then beautiful music begins to play and they dance and make out against a castle wall. And the music is actually furnished by folk group American Young playing a seriously gorgeous song in the middle of Ghent. This is really romantic except for being on a platform in front of a bunch of old Belgian couples.

Nick, Dylan, Brian, and Chris are on the group date together. Nick is very sure that he will have the group date rose. Dylan is still wearing his hair in a teeny-tiny ponytail. I think we need to adjust to our new normal here, gang. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face now wears a ponytail.

The group explores some ruins in the Belgian countryside. It is stunning and verdant and amazing. Dylan eloquently states that the “ruins” stood the test of time much like he hopes their love will. Now, Dylan, not to get picky here but the word “ruins” implies that, in fact, this place did not stand the test of time. Don’t wish for your love to end up in ruins.

 They actually take off on a rail bike that is powered by the four men pedaling a blue-metal chariot for Andi on the old train tracks. Brian starts off by quoting Dumb & Dumber by saying “it feels like your running at an incredible rate!” and now I’m in love with Brian.

The boys are dying pedaling this rail bike and come up with cute little games like rhyming to pass the time. When they get off the bikes, they get to go explore a monastery. It is a fully working monastery wherein no kissing is allowed. They actually have to say that so the dudes don’t go smooching on sacred ground.

But this is where the date rose will be given out. Which is really heavy handed and taking things REAL seriously. The date rose to be handed out on the grounds of a monastery? Ok!

Each guy gets some one-on-one time with Andi, and Chris is up first. They get to spin some pottery with zero supervision or instruction. THEN THEY KISS IN THE POTTERY STUDIO? THAT’S NOT ALLOWED? WTF GUYS? ANDI JUST SAID NO KISSING IN THE MONASTERY!

And then Andi also throws out to the group that whoever gets the rose continues on the date with her while the rest of the guys go home. They begin to panic. It’ll be ok guys.

Brian and Chris also take this time to hate Nick even more. The producer’s have kindly cut the footage so it looks like Nick has just been talking and talking and talking. They think he’s just thinking about strategy and how to play the game. I don’t know. I think he is thinking about that, but he’s thinking about that because I think he genuinely likes Andi. I don’t think he’s faking it.

Well, then it’s time for Coach Brian to walk and talk with Andi. Somehow it has become just part of “the game” that each contestant must profess that they are “falling in love with” the Bachelor/Bachelorette if they want to have any hope of getting a hometown date. So Brian takes his one-on-one time to do just that. Brian is so sweet and funny. I just love him. But I don’t know if Andi and he have that special connection.

Nick is still very self-assured in everything going on. He’s just confident that Andi will meet his family. Their conversation goes so well that they have to stand up and walk away from each other so they don’t kiss in the monastery. I would say that Nick is right to be so confident in moving onto hometowns, BUT I don’t know that he’ll get that date rose.

The moment of truth is upon us. The date rose goes to Nick. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked. You can see how crestfallen the other guys are. The three amigos pile into the backseat of a van and buckle their seatbelts together like the baseball team who just lost the big game. They each take turns saying, “fuck”. It’s hilarious.

“Andi just gave me the rose, and I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick says.  The happy couple changes clothes and arrive for dinner at a beautiful palace. Nick plants one giant kiss on her right away.

Back at the Plush Ass Suite, the guys all get really steamed together about how conniving and bad Nick is. Usually, I’m on everyone’s side about “the villain”. But this season? Really, guys? I don’t know. Nick is just really confident in what he has with Andi and isn’t playing with all the other boys. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not there to be with Andi or find love. I think he is. I do. I think Nick’s intentions in this are pure.

And the one-on-one date with Andi is more evidence of that. They kiss and giggle and talk about how they would be as parents and what the hometown will be like. As fireworks go off, they make out even more. “I do see that possibility of him standing at the very end,” Andi says. Yeah, I don’t think it’s much of a secret that barring any huge disasters, Nick is one of the finalists. But who else will join him?!

When Nick returns home from his “mini one-on-one” all the guys sit in stony silence. No one wants to hear how great his time with “their” “girlfriend” was. The camera pans to each of the guys to gauge their reactions. Brian is giggling into his wine glass. Josh coughs twice. Marcus stares at the floor. And Chris has a tiny, smug smile on his face.

They start digging into him, and honestly guys? I don’t care anymore. I don’t care how they think he’s a strategist and not there for Andi. I don’t CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN SELVES GUYS. Remember in first grade when someone would tattle on someone else and the teacher would say, “Thank you, Britney but you should only be worrying about Britney.” Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus, Dylan: you should only be worrying about Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus and Dylan!

The most notable thing is that Nick comes so, so, so close to saying everyone’s favorite Reality Show Catchphrase. “I didn’t come here to…be in a frat house,” says Nick. OOOH, so close buddy! But the sentiment is the same. You didn’t come here to make friends.

The guys arrive at a stunning chateau that production has bedecked with the requisite candles, tea lights, and pillows from Pier 1 Imports. Andi’s dress is intense. It’s midnight blue with some serious embellishment up top and down its long sleeves. Damn I love a gown with long sleeves.

During the cocktail party, the guys seem to know that Marcus and Josh are most definitely going to Hometowns. So Chris, Brian, and Dylan are all sweating it out as to who the final rose will go to. Andi also basically tells us as much, too.

Everyone is nervously pulling her aside to robotically remind Andi that they are each falling in love with her. Even Nick pulls her aside to have a moment with her despite having a rose. The guys accordingly react.

But the moment of truth is swift upon us. Andi gives a stirring speech about how seriously she takes hometowns. That for her, it means she sees a serious possibility of being with that person for the rest of her life.

Roses go to, of course, Josh and Marcus first. And that leaves our three boys to sweat it out. In the end, it goes to Farmer Chris. And I think that’s the right call. My sad little heart weeps for Coach Brian and Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face. Dylan cries. Andi cries. Brian cries. Andi cries more. It’s an emotions FESTIVAL in that chateau.

But I think Andi has the right final four. And hometowns are going to be really interesting I think with several of these guys. But it’s also the episode during which they find out that Eric has died. And that’s going to be really emotional and difficult to watch. So bear with me as I figure out how to convey everything that’s going on with a very serious subject on a very ridiculous show.

Until then my loves! My hope is to be all caught up by the time we get to the Men Tell All on Monday. Fingers crossed!

The Bachelorette - Week 6 Recap

We’re here! It took me so long to get all caught up with everything in my life, and sadly these had to take the back burner for a moment. But now I am back babaaaay, and ready to go. Let’s dive into love with our friend Andi. It’s week six, and this rag-tag group of fools has hit Venice, Italy. They arrive by ship, calling and cooing to the gods of love and art that they are here to appreciate none of it.

Andi greets the guys just off the canal, and says the one-on-one date is starting right away. Everyone is expecting it to be Cody because he’s the only one who hasn’t had one yet. But jk, y’all. Nick gets the date! They play the scary Intervention music as everyone panics for Cody.

“I feel like the pet dog of the group, like I’m just being drug along,” Cody says. And that is seriously depressing. Poor Cody. You are a Grade A Jabronie, but no one wants to feel like a pet dog.

Andi is taking this one-on-one date with Nick to really feel things out with him and see if there was any reason to be suspicious of him after last week’s drama. They are whisked away in, what else, a gondola.

The guys are staying in Abano Terme which is, according to the copy they gave JJ to read, “gorgeous and just minutes away from Venice.” Farmer Chris takes up his role as this season’s Renee and talks things out with Cody. He supports his feelings of unease, but also agrees that Andi is taking this opportunity to talk things through with Nick.

With the help of a trusty guidebook, Andi and Nick explore Venice holding hands, buying pizzas and gelato, and generally being pretty cute. Over all this both of them are just saying words, words, words about last week and wanting to start over with a clean slate and Andi worrying about getting too swept up in the romance. But, as Hamlet and we all know, those are just words, words, words.

Nick feels really positive about their date though, and that, according to him, “We’re back!” Andi feels better but still has questions she needs answered.

“Going into tonight, it’s sink or swim for Nick,” she says.

And then the scene changes to night and Andi changes into her best dress yet. It is black with gold leaf effect and is very dramatic. They walk into an insane, I mean, insane, Venetian masquerade hall for dinner. Nick is in a tux. Andi’s dress is SLAMMING. This room is INCREDIBLE.  But Andi gets right down to brass tacks about last week and what exactly went down.

Nick feels like he was attacked unfairly and his feelings were hurt by Cody calling him arrogant. He is very straightforward about the fact that he knows what he and Andi share is special, and that he doesn’t want to be rude to the other guys. He also doesn’t want to put them ahead of what he has with her. That seems to satisfy Andi and all her questions. I guess it works for me too.

 They keep whispering though. Why are they whispering so much? Is it because the hall echoes and the sound guy was like, “whisper or nothing!”

 “I’m definitely falling in love,” Nick giggles, “I know we have a long way to go, but I definitely am.”

And the deal is sealed for Andi! He gets the date rose no problem. After both putting on fancy masks, they go out to a patio and dance to a little quartet. It’s romantic as shit.

Date card time! Josh, Brian, Dylan BH-GF, Marcus, JJ, and Chris have their names called out which means Cody will get his one-on-one!

Before the group date starts, Andi gets another note from her secret admirer. She does her best to feign intrigue and delight as she wonders who it could possibly be. This secret admirer business is the lamest attempt at wooing this show has seen since that guy on Emily’s season wore a mask for the first three weeks.

The guys and Andi do a little Venice exploring together, then head up to Monselice Castle. They walk into the dungeon and everyone’s like, “Che cosa?” Then through a creaky wrought-iron door walk the two most Italian dudes of all time. They are presented as two of Italy’s best in the field of reading and administering lie detector tests.

The first scary guy says something in Italian. Then the next guy, clutching a leather bound book because COMEDY, says, “We are here to make with you a lie detector test” in what I can only pray is the first of many silly translation issues.

The dudes are a little freaked out. “I never lie,” JJ says, “No, that’s a lie. I try not to though!” Ugh JJ stop being so irrepressibly adorable.

Andi goes first to get the ball rolling and to show that this trust thing is a two-way street. Right. The guys freak out in the courtyard while Andi answers such hard-hitting questions as, “Is Italy your favorite country in the world?” and “Do you think all the guys are here for the right reasons?”

She’s done awfully quickly, and then it’s Josh’s turn. He appears to be the most skeptical and mistrusting of why she feels the need to do this. Josh has completely forgotten that he is on a television show that lives and dies by the ratings it achieves through sensationalist actions, but no matter! He still does it. The main questions asked of all the guys is, “Are you here for a right reason?” and “Are you ready for marriage?”

“Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?” the tiny bald Italian man asks. Dylan says no. I mean that’s FAIR. Not every guy does! GROSS. But like, ok.

Dylan then pulls Andi aside to tell her he’s going home because he’s really not feeling well. When she asks what hurts he slaps his tummy and his head because he’s a child. Sweet man. Simple man. Go home, Dylan, feel better.

Chris reveals that he is the secret admirer and is worried that when she sees he has lied to her (about that) it’ll be bad. Oh hush, have a little faith Chris. She’s gonna eat it up like so much ravioli.

And now the results are in! According to the tiny, bald Italian man “Three guys told no lies. One man told two lies. Two men told three lies.” He then hands Andi the results of the test, and then shares that Andi told two lies and hands the men the results. I bet one of her lies was that Italy is NOT her favorite country in the world. Chilling stuff.

So Josh is continuing to be so perturbed by a lie detector test saying that he trusts Andi implicitly and doesn’t need no stinking tests. Brian rips open her results right away though because he’s a human person who is naturally curious about shit like that. And LO! WHAT HO! It looks like Andi DID lie about Italy being her fave country and also about thinking all the guys are there for the right reasons. Now that, the latter lie there, that is chilling stuff. Kind of. In terms of what this show is going for.

After a big rigmarole of will she or won’t she tear up the test results, Andi tears them up! She TEARS. THEM. UP. After spending all this time talking about trust and putting those poor professional, Italian lie-detector men through an afternoon of ass-hattery, she TORE THEM UP? Baloney. Josh is really puffed about it and thinks it “speaks volumes of her” that she could have so much trust. Does it? Does it, Josh?

And then we have a quick, acid trip where Cody and Nick are silently in a sauna together? Have I inadvertently dropped some acid? No? Ok. Cody and Nick are just silently hating each other from within a sauna together.

But the group date goes on. After a quick costume change, they arrive back at the castle. JJ is so adorable I can’t really stand it, but he is dressed like a wizard trying to pass for a muggle: Purple pants, sport coat, linen shirt, big multi-colored striped scarf. JJ should follow that “always take one thing off before leaving the house” rule big time.

Brian pulls her away first to get some quality time. He does a “fun” little recreation of the lie detector test from before. It’s a solid “dad” move. I get a very “dad” vibe overall from Brian.

The boys are wildly postulating as to who could possibly be the secret admirer? I think Chris thinks he’s playing it cool but he’s darting his eyes around wildly and being like, “Maybe we’ll never know!” and then staring off into the middle distance. “Who cares?” is what I say. BUT NO ONE CARES WHAT I SAY.

Marcus and Andi continue moving right along the vibe train. These two really like each other, but Marcus is kind of oatmeal to me. He’s just…there. But he feels really strongly for her and  she for him. He reveals that before his one-on-one he was thinking about leaving the show because he was so weirded out by “the process”. But he didn’t. They kiss and we see his tongue big time.

With Josh’s one-on-one time, he decides to bring up that the lie detector test was weird because he thought that she trusted him. And she says, “You read that much into it, huh?” which translates to “the producers made me do this you big dumb galoot”.  Andi gets kind of defensive with him because he’s getting so defensive and strange about the lie detector.

The whole conversation throws Andi into a really emotional place where she questions everything about what she’s doing there and if it’s going to work out. She cries to camera as she worries that maybe putting her entire life on hold to come find a husband and eternal love was all for nothing. She mainly regrets not reading those test results. A-DUH-DOI!

But as she’s clearly upset after her talk with Josh, Chris pulls Andi aside to awkwardly tell her like a shy little boy that he was her secret admirer. They kiss, and it helps Andi feel better about the whole day.

And for that little ray of hope and puppy-like cuteness, Chris gets the date rose. But the drama ain’t over yet, honey! As everyone sits there with fake smiles of congratulations for Chris, JJ speaks up. Whether this was induced by jetlag, extreme fatigue, alcohol, or any other mind altering substance, we’ll never know. But JJ says, “No offense Chris,” which is a cool way to be informed you’re about to be offended. “No offense Chris, I’m really happy for you that you got it but I’m getting a little sick of everybody congratulating everybody else getting roses and getting one-on-one dates.”

He explains that it’s weird to be congratulating guys on getting further along in the process when that means that everyone else’s fate is that much unsure. The guys jump on him right away asking, “Well what’s the alternative?” Chris gets pretty defensive which is hot. He’s not just all sunshine and rainbows. Chris tells JJ that if he wants to sit there and be “sour grapes” that’s fine because he “couldn’t give less of a f***”. NICE.

Now it’s time for Agent Cody Banks. Just kidding it’s time for Cody’s date, but remember that movie with Frankie Muniz and Paul Giamatti turning blue?

WERE YOU WORRIED THAT WE WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH AN ENTIRE EPISODE WITHOUT THE APPEARANCE OF A TURTLENECK? FEAR NOT, FAIR READERS, FOR HERE IN VERONA WHERE WE LAY OUR SCENE, WE SEE A GRAY SWEATER TURTLENECK ON LOVELY ANDI. It’s paired with this bizarre pink skirt. I don’t get the outfit at all.

Andi is so excited to be on the date with Cody because he has “the most amazing eyes”. Does he? Or are we just grasping at straws for something nice to say about Agent Cody?

The Code-ster is really excited and just all smiles as they walk around old Verona. He’s such a giggly mess. They go to The Juliet Club and help answer some Letters to Juliet. This stunningly elegant and beautiful Italian woman explains the Juliet Club to them and asks them to help.

They read one letter from a new divorcee asking about how to feel confident getting back on the dating scene and another from a boy asking for help being confident around the girl he is in love with. Both letters are very sweet, and I can’t help but enjoy this whole part. But then Cody crafts a response to the dude and tells him that he can relate because he has the same thing with a great girl named Andi.

Now. Fine Cody. Way to share with Andi in a cool way that you have feelings for her and she gives you butterflies in your stomach but ALSO. These are supposed to be responses FROM JULIET. NOT YOU. NOT A 32 YEAR OLD PERSONAL TRAINER FROM CHICAGO IN VERONA ON A LARK. Come on, man. Use your big old noggin.

At dinner Andi is wearing some tight, tight pants that I first couldn’t tell were pants. It’s a cute ensemble though once I realized she was wearing pants. Cody is wearing a black deep V and a stripey blazer. It’s a rough look.

He starts right away by saying that he was inspired by their activities to write a little letter of his own. “Dear Juliet,” he starts, “I’m writing to you about my own love story. About a year ago, I was watching TV, and I saw a very beautiful girl step out of a limo. And I knew she was special” Oh Boy. “The first time we met, I knew we had a connection. Since then I’ve had time to get to know her and I’ve learned she’s a beautiful, down to earth girl, and has all the qualities I’m looking for in a wife. Today was our first date, and she has not let me down. And I hope for many more dates. And I also hope she helps me write my greatest love story.” Oh boy. He finishes by asking Juliet to bless their love story. Yikes! OH YIKES! I don’t think it’s happening for Cody, and after that letter this is gonna be like punching a puppy.

He professes more of his feelings for her. And as he professes more to Andi how much he likes her and wants to know more about her, she starts crying. “The longer you keep me around, you’re in trouble because you’re gonna like me more and more,” Cody says.

And that’s where she cuts him off. She explains that she just feels that their friendship is there but the romance isn’t. Andi feels so appreciated and lifted up by Cody and can see what a great, great guy he is, but ultimately doesn’t feel the romantic side of things at all.

She cries and gets really emotional as she tells him why she can’t take him to next week. He takes the rejection like a real pro though. He is so respectful and generous to her. Cody, you leave like a true gentleman. You need a little bit of a style-overhaul, but you’re a sweetheart.

The rose ceremony will be at the oldest winery in Italy (maybe) in Verona. The men pull up in enormous Rolls Royces. They’re are all a titter because they really need this time with Andi to make their feelings known and put it all on the line one last time.

Andi is in a slinky, sparkly black dress that is allotting for an intense amount of side boob. Nick pulls Andi away first and all the guys are pretty steamed because he already has a rose. But Andi really likes it because he took control of the situation like a man. Chris is very disappointed in Nick’s behavior, and the rest of the men appear to be in the anti-Nick boat.

The rest of the rose ceremony continues with the typical show-boating and emotions-bearing. Then Andi has a great fireside chat with Chrarrison who helps Andi to debrief her not so great week. She feels great going forward that her husband is there, but it’s getting harder with fewer and fewer guys.

Roses go out to: Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, Brian, and Marcus. Then it’s down to just JJ and Josh. My J-boys. And then, to my great chagrin, the final rose goes to Josh. JJ knows it before she even says it. He’s so crushed and sad. I’m so crushed and sad! JJ! My little pantsapreneur! I love you so! Come heal your wounds with me in Chicago! I will cook you delicious dinners and make you salsas from scratch J-JAYYYYYYYY!

Whew. What a rollercoaster this week was, huh? And it can only get crazier from here. That’ll be fun. This party is moving along to Brussels, Belgium. Cool! I can’t wait. Of course you won’t have to wait a full week for that recap, hopefully it’ll go up on Friday. Until then my loves! Ciao!

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Wowee, everybody. It feels like EONS since last we met and Andi was handing out roses like freshly minted hundred dollar bills. But thanks to the grace of network television, we’re back. And this week Andi and her rugged band of brigands are off to the beautiful Mediterranean shores of Marseilles, France.

We’re now at the part of the show where I feel deeply jealous of these hooligans who are traveling to some of the most beautiful places in the world on ABC’s dime. Lucky bastards. Marseilles is obviously beautiful with that old world, French charm with markets and stone buildings and docks of big boats.

The boys arrive hooting and hollering random words in French to make sure the French know they are there and continue to hate them.  After they settle into what I would call one of the more moderate plush ass suites, Josh gets the first date card.

Before we get the Josh Suave Shakedown, Andi has some council with the one and only Chrarrison! He sneaks up behind her at an open air café wearing, WHAT ELSE but a TURTLENECK. If someone had sat me down before this season started and asked me what the most absurd recurring theme was going to be, I never would have guessed TURTLENECKS. What is this, NINETEEN NINETY-SIX?

Chrarrison is charming as ever and so is Andi. They have a great natural chemistry, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Ashley’s season on the Bachelorette. Chrarrs asks her point blank if she’s falling in love, and she avoids the question by saying “Shit…”. She admits it’s not just with one guy though! OOoooOO! Chris gets a few positive-spin zingers in there.  More Chrarrison time please. That was fun.

The two little lovebirds are going to be exploring Marseilles together, simple as that. Where would this show be without open air markets? How many a time has love been found between the stalls of friendly artisans and farmers and cheese mongers selling their wares? They order two sandwiches that are never to be seen again, and then when walking down a street that has both water and boats docked beside it, Andi says, “So I guess this is like a harbor.”

Yes, Andi. This is “like” a harbor. Boats + dock + water = harbor.

And the next thing you know they are slicing through the water in a boat. If Andi and Chris have good friendship chemistry, the sexual chemistry between Andi and Josh is dynamite. These two are hot for each other but also manage to have an actual discussion about his career while canoodling on the front of a boat in the Mediterranean Sea.

Back at L’Hotel de Douche, Andrew is getting antsy about proving to Andi who he really is as a person. He’s hoping his name isn’t on the group date card that Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face is reading right now. We’ve got Marcus, Dylan BH-GF, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and Andrew. Andrew and his snaggle tooth are none too pleased.

Josh and Andi’s boat drops them off at a place called The Calanques, some stunning wooded rock formations in the sea. It’s like something out of a fantasy novel. They walk up to a singular wooden bench as if production was like “Eh, you’re on a rock formation. You’ll get those Pier 1 pillows when you’re back on terra firma.”

They talk more about Josh’s baseball career, but at the heart of it, Andi is concerned that their physical connection is the only thing they have. She even invokes the name of You-Know-Who Juan Pablo saying they had a great physical connection but, “Oh my GOD, I could never be with him!”. So we’ll see. Right now I have a touch more faith in Josh than Juanie-P.

But we have other things to talk about like Andrew’s snaggle tooth and apparent RACISM. In L’Hotel de Douche (which I now realize in French means Shower Hotel and not Douche Hotel BUT I WILL PRESS ON), JJ tells Marquel that at the very first rose ceremony after Marquel got his rose, Andrew nudged JJ and said, “Oh she gave them to the two blackies.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..……….WHAT?

BLACKIES!? IS THIS THE EIGHTEEN NINETIES? WHAT THE HELL, ANDREW? I mean does this show have an awe-inspiring lack of diversity? Yes. But let’s not use the incredibly offensive and outdated word BLACKIES. BLACKIE. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*** ANDREW? It’s so offensive I can’t fully wrap my mind around it. And Marquel is rightfully steamed and confused about what to do. On the one hand, we know Andrew is an ass that will deny it. On the other hand, Marquel has a right to call someone out for so thoroughly disrespecting him.

Marquel gets emotional talking to camera about why he’s so conflicted about this. He doesn’t want to stir up trouble, but it hurts him that “No matter how you treat someone, they still have this idea of you. You know? Judge me off of me. It’s crazy to think that the first thing people are gonna think about me is ‘Ok that’s a black guy’ and that’s it.” I am frustrated that Marquel feels he has to defend himself for being hurt that someone was goddamn racist towards him. I am frustrated that Marquel is having to deal with this period.

THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME DEAL WITH A LOT OF REALNESS THIS SEASON. FIRST DEATH AND NOW RACISM? I don’t come here for things that we talk about in real life. I come here for theater of the absurd!

Somehow there is still a date going on. Josh and Andi pull up to Palais Longchamp which is a legitimate palace. It is stunning. They are all gussied up and looking beautiful. Andi is really feeling like tonight is a chance to have a deep discussion with Josh and connect on a deeper level. They use the word “athlete” as a defining characteristic more than one would think possible.

They are talking incredibly close. Lots of close talking about love and past relationships blaaaah blah blah. Andi clearly gets what she wants in terms of an emotional connection with Josh. He gets the rose. And then we have another private concert! This time it’s from Ben Fields. They dance and kiss. The End!

Now let’s get this group date drama started! We’ve got Marquel and Andrew trapped together and we’ve also been promised some words between Cody and Nick.

Ohhhh giddyup. Start your engines, kids! It’s MIME TIME! That’s right the boys are doing mime, Andi says in the producer-concocted theory that it’s really about teaching them the importance of non-verbal communication in relationships.

“I know absolutely nothing about miming except they use a lot of like their hands and…do activities,” Dylan says with the least amount of enthusiasm.  Oh Dylan. You sweet baboon. Your hair is ok today and it’s making that good face of yours look even better.

After a good instruction session from an adorable old French mime, they guys get changed into traditional garb to go perform on the square. This is embarrassing not only for them but also for America, and I would like to propose a retroactive petition for them to not.

Except they very quickly win me over because the adorableness factor is through the roof! Farmer Chris jumps right up there and does his best mime. The people of Marseilles are indifferent at best. It comes as no surprise to me that Marquel, who is a clown in everyday life, is super into mime and is probably the best one.

After the initial awkwardness, all the guys get into it and it does look like fun. Mostly the kids of the town come out and the guys are great with them. JJ shines by being so positive and ADORABLE. Everyone is having fun…except for one person. Andi calls out Nick for pouting.

“Salty, salty Nick,” Andi says. He’s upset to be on a group date and sharing his time with Andi. Andi’s thoughts are to suck it up, basically.

At the cocktail party, Andi has done the unthinkable and donned YET ANOTHER turtleneck sweater. She's got this cute little french ponytail hair situation and a black f***ing turtleneck. We are living in this reality.

JJ pulls Andi aside right away. He (the producers) had this great idea of stealing Andi away for some extended one on one time. So he (the producers) took her on the Ferris Wheel at night. It’s beautiful and quite romantic. I also just adore JJ and his endless supply of good fashion sense.

All is not quiet on the Western Front, however, as the guys start to dig into Nick a little bit for basically being a smug bastard this whole date. They say he always acts like he’s above it all and acts as if he knows he’s “the front runner”. Even Patrick, who is hot but friends with Andrew and therefore of questionable moral fiber, calls him out saying there’s a difference between confidence and being an asshole. Cody straight up asks him, “Do you think you’re the front runner in all this?”

And Nick replies, “Eh. Yeah.” Which is bold. Boldy-boldy, bold move in front of all these other alpha dogs. And just then Andi and JJ come back in. JJ is precious and wearing a big dumb smile, but Andi immediately senses the tension.

Farmer Chris tells Andi a little bit about the things being said, but he’s even scared to tell her like the sweet, sweet puppy of a man he is. Andi realizes that if Nicest Guy in the World Chris is saying something, she needs to look into it.

Cody is still laying into Nick and keeps throwing the words “homie” and “bro” around. Cody is accusing Nick of mocking him for some random something about being grateful? He keeps saying “homie” though, and it’s hard to take his stake in the conversation seriously when he says “homie” every third word.

So when Nick and Andi have their time she calls him out for being “salty” during the date despite him telling her he had fun. I somehow don’t believe him. She tries to press him about what the drama is between him and the guys right now. He is forthright about the details, but Andi points out how much he’s downplaying the whole situation. She wonders if he’s not emotionally manipulating her.

But don’t worry. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads because Nick has a POEM. A POEM. To read to Andi. Look. Chris put me through the ringer last season with his poetry and it was all garbage and he won, but still. Do you guys know how difficult it is to transcribe each line of that garbage? It is difficult and it means I get to suffer through it five or six times as many times as other people. SO I’M NOT GONNA DO IT. You can’t make me. He says some choice words like “When I look at you I see beauty/ When I look at you I see strength” so let that just paint the outlines of the picture with words he painted.

She seems guarded during the whole exchange because I think she realizes how much she likes him but also realizes that there might be a side to him she doesn’t see. So we’ll see with Nick. I still like him, but I think he needs to shape up or ship out.

AND THE DRAMA CONTINUES as Marquel confronts Andrew in front of the other guys which is a good idea so that things don’t get out of hand. Marquel just places the facts out there but doesn’t throw JJ under the bus. He is very calm and mature about the whole ordeal. Andrew reacts pretty strongly that he did not say that at all. He is clear about how he aims to treat every single person in the house with equal respect, regardless of who they are, where they come from, or how much money they make.

I think the argument could be made either way here. Since we don’t have proof, we have to speculate. Either Andrew was reacting strongly because it would be terrible to be accused of saying something so offensive and derogatory towards someone, or Andrew reacted that way because he wanted to overcompensate for actually saying that not wanting to get caught in being a “bad guy”.

But we aren’t here for philosophical debates; we’re here for some sappy romance and overproduced special moments. So JJ gets the rose for being adorable and taking her on a Ferris wheel! Nick is being a pouty-pouty poo-poo about this.

Brian has the final one-on-one. He is nervous for his date because he knows they’re going to be cooking. They trek off through picturesque Marseilles, and then they pop into the “cinema” to watch a movie. Cinema seems a little generous for the vacant potato cellar they are occupying. It’s an empty stone room with a projection screen and a leather couch and one sad popcorn machine.

They watch a movie called “The 100 Foot Journey” about an Indian man and French woman falling in love through cooking.  I kind of want to see it with my mom real bad. Helen Mirren is in it.

Brian and Andi try their damndest to make analogies for how the movie is like a relationship. Whatever guys, the good part is them going through the market and picking out the foods to make their dinner. I’m jealous.  They get frog legs to prepare like a couple of professional amateurs.

As they arrive at Andi’s super cute apartment though, things get strange. Brian gets very quiet because he’s so nervous to be in the kitchen. Andi is put off a lot by this because the mood before was so free and easy and now it’s tense and strange. It should be a romantic fun time, but Brian’s nerves are getting the better of him.

They try the frog legs and both hate them, and Andi’s also feeling like there’s no flavor in the relationship. So they scrap all the food they made and get boeuf bourguignon at an outdoor café. They love the food, and now Brian is realizing that he should’ve been more open while they were cooking. He tries to open up and calls out that he was just feeling shy in the kitchen. They kiss and smile a lot. And he gets the rose. Then he takes her back into the kitchen of the café to kiss her and make up for not doing it in the apartment earlier. Smooth move, buddy. Smoothiest.

In the darkening twilight of a palatial estate, a Rolls Royce brings Andi her men to the cocktail party. Andi’s hair is in a big voluminous braid and a sequined dark blue dress. They match the romantic décor of the estate perfectly. She sits down with the Chrarrison to hash out what she wants to do this week. Andi doesn’t need a cocktail party because she feels sure of which relationships aren’t going anywhere. She is cutting three guys.

This throws the guys into a downright tizzy. They are all visibly deflated about not getting a final chance to talk to Andi. Dylan’s bad hair is the worst it’s been. He has it parted down the center and then the front little tendrils are expertly gelled. Why didn’t anyone stop him? JJ I’m blaming you.

Josh, JJ, and Brian are on a separate pedestal for they have already received roses. Andi walks out and gets the ball rolling. Roses go out to Marcus, Nick, Chris, Dylan BH-GF, and the final rose goes to CODY. I make a noise like a swooping bald eagle because CODY? F***ING CODY? HE’S THE BIGGEST JABRONIE AROUND.

So Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel are going home. I think it’s time for Andrew, but Andrew was his own worst enemy. He’s blaming everyone else for the fact that he didn’t have a stronger connection with Andi. Which is definitely a quality one wants in a partner. Patrick is upset and tells us, “I have been told by many people, not just girls, that I have many qualities that would make me paramount as a husband.” Which….where do I start? I’ll start with SHUT UP YOU TWAT. And I think we’ll end there too. Shut up. You twat.

Marquel is the one I’m saddest to see go because he was the most genuine guy out of those three. He was a clown, but he was a nice guy who was a class act through every moment. Best of luck to you Marquel! Please don’t allow yourself to feel down about the fact that you were cut at the same time as Andrew and Patrick the Douche Patrol.

That’s it for this week. Next week we are moving on to Venice where there will be masquerades and gondolas and, of course, the famous Venetian Lie Detector Test that Shall Stir Up Much Displeasure Amongst All Parties Involved.

I can’t wait.

Until then, I’ll be over here. Doing my thing and posting pics of hot guys and random youtube videos of Tom Hiddleston. And I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod extolling the various virtues of certain World Cup players bodies. Ciao, bello!

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Ok night two. Once again I am armed with Summer Shandy (the nectar of the gods) and ready to take on everything this episode has to throw at me. And if previews and general hubbub is to be trusted, it’s going to throw a lot at me. So let’s not waste any more time and get to it!

Andi is bringing her show on the road to the East Coast and more specifically…Connecticut? Sure. Why not go to Connecticut on a mission for love. It is very lovely, but just not the usual for the Bachelorette. Whoever is willing to sponsor though, am I right?

Farmer Chris is so excited to keep Andi warm in snowy Connecticut and can’t believe how nice their hotel is! He’s so sweet and simple I just diiiie. The date card comes as soon as the men have toured their plush ass suite and the first one-on-one is going to Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!!! Someone in the house has convinced him to gel his hair less, so I’m excited for how this goes. Put down the hair gel! Take the world by storm Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face!

They are taking the Essex Steam Train on a whimsical, charming journey along the eastern seaboard. “You know I think Dylan and I’s [sic] relationship is going to take a turn today,” Andi says. And I burry my face in my hands and shake my little head because “I’s” IS NOT A WORD. THE POSSESIVE FORM OF I IS MY AND YOU ALL KNOW THAT SO STOP TRYING TO SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN “MY” WHEN YOU MEAN “MY”. THERE IS NO “I’S”.

Ahem, anyhow. They settle into the lounge car and start to talk about dates and past relationships blaaaaaaaah. Dylan’s Bad Hair is really, really bad today. Less gel, but it’s so, so long. He talks about his last relationship that lasted 8 years and that he found out his ex got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral. He then stares out the window to hold back from crying.

This all makes Andi uncomfortable. She can “feel Dylan’s story weighing him down and she just wants him to feel comfortable enough to open up to her. Their conversation doesn’t come so easy and natural, and Andi feels that the weight of his “story” is holding them back. I’m feeling the same, and that if he also can’t get past his nerves, he’ll be going home without a rose tonight.

Group Date Card says “Who’s got game?” and everyone turns into crazy gorillas. JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick, and Josh. Josh is disappointed to not be getting a coveted one-on-one date but is going to try to make the most of the situation.

The love train has made a stop so that the lovebirds can have some dinner and talk things over. Andi is wearing another stunning black turtleneck and this strange overcoat thing that looks like something Emily Gilmore would wear.

Andi tries really hard to make Dylan feel comfortable and tells him that he can open and be “the real Dylan…sooner rather than later.” He starts to steel himself up to bring out the truth and just put things on the table.

“Right now it’s just me and my mom, and my grandma, grandfather, and uncle,” Dylan says. He shares he never grew up with a father. And then delves into the story about how both his sister and brother, within three years of each other, died from drug overdoses. He cries while telling her, and Andi has tears welling up in her eyes because you can see how hard it is for Dylan to share. Oh Dylan, sweet, sweet Dylan BH-GF.

“I don’t want you to just feel bad for me and keep me around because of that,” he says. He keeps dabbing his eyes with his napkin. Where they are is where he grew up with his family and it’s flooding him with good memories. Andi almost feels guilty and cries to camera because she wishes she hadn’t stirred up all those feelings for Dylan.

As they sit with FULL PLATES OF UNTOUCHED FOOD in front of them, Andi gives him the date rose for being so brave, and vulnerable, and open with her. Hooray for Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face! He really does have a sweet, sweet face. Let’s just hope he can really pull it through and be a great, fun, whole person now that the nerves are gone.

It’s time for the group date now. There is a full basketball arena within the hotel they’re staying in, so they all arrive to shoot some hoops. Everybody shows off their skills, and Brian is so excited to be on his home turf as a basketball player/coach. But he’s being sweet about it, not ass-holey about it like Bradley with opera.

Then Andi comes out with her dream team of WNBA superstars. Josh is thoroughly impressed because he is a fan of WNBA, and that makes me a much bigger fan of Josh! The women obviously smoke the dudes who flounder like so many fish against titans of strength and power.

And then the terrible thing that I hate happens. They get split up into teams to play against each other, and only the winning team gets to continue on the date later that night. No, no, no. NO. This has never turned out well for anyone ever in the storied history of this show. Brian takes it upon himself to coach and pump the team up. This episode has made me a fan of Brian. “Hustle and defense wins championships,” he tells them. It’s so cute.

Josh is the captain of the other team and they are getting pumped up like a bunch of meat heads. Farmer Chris says, “Come on! We can kick their asses!” and it’s the CUTEST THING BECAUSE HE’S SO SWEET YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T REALLY MEAN IT. Oh Farmer Chris, you have my heart.

The game starts, and testosterone levels are through the roof. The competition is fierce, and as the game goes on, the WNBA stars giving color commentary and sage advice to Andi. I want to keep them around for color commentary and sage advice all the time please.

At halftime, the game is tied. Both teams are fully expecting to win. Marquel is so sure that he thinks the other boys are going back to the hotel “to eat cereal or whatever it is that losers eat.” Excuse me, Marquel? Everyone knows that Cereal is the breakfast of champions. Check yourself.

But the game very easily goes to the Red Team captained by Brian. They dominate out there, and the white team is so sad. Josh is especially disappointed because he hates losing but also really hates losing time with Andi. The whole team are such sad, rejected pound puppies.

The Red Team is Brian, Cody, Eric, Nick, Andrew, and Marquel. Andi is excited that the second half of the date is a much smaller group and a more low key group.

Andi pulls Eric aside first to talk. She is worried that their relationship is not moving forward enough and tells him as much. They are both really honestly talking about how hard the situation is and how hard it is to be so formal all the time. Andi really pulls to have him talk more about his life other than his work. So in the interest of opening up more, he tells her all about his family.

And then he drops a huge bomb that he was raised Mormon, and she had no idea about that. He shares how giving up his religion did not mean that he lost his family like he feared.  And they really have a good talk, so much so that Andi feels like they are back on track to where they should be.

With Brian, they head back to the court so he can give her some personal lessons in basketball. He’s so patient and really great with her. He’s another one of those guys that is so normal and nice and good-looking but not too perfect attractive. As a bet, he makes a perfect half-court shot. Andi is really taken by this and so attracted to him. He doesn’t take the opportunity to kiss her though! He should have! He knows he should have and missed all the signs! BRIAN!

Of course the time spent with Nick is great and all kissy-kissy because those two really like each other. Nick is totally smitten with her.

But Brian does get the date rose as he should have! He was so great all day as MVP on and off the court, so hopefully he’ll get his kiss later on.

So Marcus is getting the second one-on-date in a card that said “The sky’s the limit.” Andi is really nervous for this date because she’s going to overcome her fear of heights. They are repelling off the hotel, 30 stories down. So dumb. If you’re going to repel off anything, why a freaking hotel in the middle of nowhere Connecticut?

It’s very windy, and both Marcus and Andi are really freaking out. As they sit on the ledge about to click in, Marcus says, “Any last words?” and she goes, “F**K”. Which sums up the whole experience pretty well.

Marcus clicks in and gets set, and Andi seriously has a panic attack and can’t get off the ledge. Marcus is actually really great through the whole thing. He’s encouraging her and helping her and is really awesome about the whole thing. They finally get all set and start repelling. They are repelling right by the Bachelor’s plush ass suite and everyone waves!

Marcus gets her feeling comfortable by talking about her mom! And it’s so, so cute. I’m starting to get Marcus a little. He gets her talking about her mom who plays majong and golfs poorly. And then it’s smooth sailing. They kiss on the side of the building, and celebrate like crazy when they finally make it down. Good for them.

At dinner, the first thing Marcus does is cover up the date rose so it doesn’t make him nervous. He opens up about learning to trust again after his last relationship ended very suddenly and admits he feels he can trust Andi. She eats this up, duh. And of course Marcus gets the date rose. And he deserves it. I might be coming around on Marcus a little bit.

And then the bonus at the end of the date is a concert by Jon Hardy (???) the traditional C-list country singer they always tromp out for these things. They kiss and dance on the little platform and Marcus tells her he thinks he’s falling in love with her. Which is…fast…

The day of the rose ceremony is upon us and I guess this is where all the drama will be going down today. In her suite, Andi gets a special delivery of a love letter from a secret admirer. She thinks it’s cute. I think it’s dumb. Standard stuff.

As the men gather in their formal wear for the ceremony, you can tell how tense everyone is. Andi feels great and “a sense of calm” going into tonight which is some great dramatic irony knowing what’s to come. Her dress looks like gilded crocodile skin, and it’s sort of fine but very Dreamgirls.

Tasos pulls Andi aside first to talk to her, and they have a nice chat. Tasos is sort of fine. Tolerable but nothing special. They get interrupted by Brian who wants to make up for missing the opportunity to kiss her the other night. So he takes her back to center court to kiss her, and it’s pretty cute. It’s all dark in there, and I am a fan of Coach Brian. So is Andi.

Then she’s got time with Marquel. She really likes him and how goofy he is, but that’s why I don’t like him. Marquel is a clown. He’s just never serious and yeah it’s nice to laugh but ughhh just straighten out a little Marquel. He teaches her some self defense while he sits on a loveseat.

Then Eric wants to pull her aside and tell her how he’s feeling. He says that when he woke up, he realized that if things are going how they’ve been going, they are going nowhere. So Eric pulls her aside to say that he feels like Andi isn’t being open and vulnerable with him. He says he’s had glimpses of the real her but ultimately says, “I came here to meet a real person, not a TV actress.”

Woooooow. Heavy. I mean. Yikes. On the one hand, maybe she isn’t sharing as much deep stuff with the guys as they are with her, but that’s just the nature of the show. That’s what they signed up for. So on the one hand, he has a point, but also it’s just the show.

He goes on to say he feels like she always has a poker face on. She takes great offense to this. Andi is taken aback and fires back at him saying how tired she is trying to make every person there feel respected and heard. She’s doing her absolute best for everyone, and so for him to fire out that she’s just “acting” and “fake” is incredibly hurtful. She starts to cry and raises her voice to such a degree that the other guys hear her.

“I cannot fight for someone who doesn’t believe in me, and I don’t think you do,” says Andi. And she calls it quits on him right there. They hug and wish each other the best but it’s cold on both sides. The shit…hath hitteth…the fan..eth.

Eric walks away feeling, in general, really surprised about the way that went down. I think at the bottom of it, he wanted to say that he wanted to get to know the real Andi and keep breaking down their walls together, and instead it just came off as an attack of character. I truly don’t believe he meant for it to be that way, but when you pair all those high stakes emotions with  Andi being exhausted and stretched a little too thin, it’s explosive. He gets into a cab and the final voice over we hear from Eric is about how ready he is right now for love and a family because that is what life is all about. And then my heart bleeds out a little because that is so sad.

As for the other guys, Andi walks right into the room and tells them that if anyone else thinks she has a poker face and thinks it’s a joke, then they can just walk themselves out right there. “If anyone else thinks this isn’t real, there’s the door because this is SO real to me!” she says. She apologizes for feeling like she’s yelling at them, but she’s just feeling passionate.

And then something a little strange happens. When we come back from commercial, we see Chris Harrison on a set. Chrarrison tells us that in light of Eric’s passing, they decided that they should spend some time talking about Eric rather than showing a dramatic rose ceremony. Andi is there too, and they just talk about his time on the show and that final scene we just watched go down. It’s hard to do this without making his life seem trivial, so I’ll just leave it that everyone was really heartbroken to hear of his passing. Andi also laments that that was the last conversation she had with him and didn’t get a chance to kind of forgive each other at the Men Tell All.

And then Chris Harrison mentions very briefly that tonight we’ve said goodbye to Tasos, and that’s pretty much that. I don’t feel the best about how they did that, but what else would I have had them do? I’m not sure.

In good news, we are traveling to Europe next episode! The bad news is that there’s a two week break before the next episode hits the tubes. They are traveling to Marseilles, France, and I am the most jealous you can imagine. It’s beautiful; there’s miming; there’s drama; there’s more turtlenecks! I’ll see you all here in two long week’s time. Please pop on over and join me on Twitter @chasspod and let’s fill up that Ask Box to help tide us all over. Love!

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

Even armed with a twelve pack of Summer Shandy, I’m not sure I’m prepared for this week’s double-header of The Bachelorette. But with tonight, the third episode, Andi and Company are already hitting that rowdy road off to Santa Barbara. That is even faster than usual to begin the traveling.

“I’m so lucky to be here in Santa Barbara. This place is unbelievable from the sand, to the air, to the mountains,” Andi beams. She is thrilled to be both in the lap of luxury and in for some serious romance.

Back at the bro-mansion, Chris Harrison breaks the news to the guys that they are going to Santa Barbara to join her on the dates for the week. First guy making the journey is Nick V! The cutie-patootie from Chicago. “Let’s ride off into the sunset,” the date card reads.

He puts on an adorable olive-drab henley, scoring infinity points in my book. They are going to go bike riding through the town and just have a relaxing date. She is excited that this date on bikes and at the beach is just normal and chill, something they might do in real life.

In LA at the mansion, Andrew and Marcus are having an in depth discussion about Nick’s odds of coming home while both sitting shirtless on a tiny settee on the patio. They tell us that Nick is the biggest skeptic of “the process” in the house, so it could work to his benefit, or it couldn’t. But I’m mostly distracted about the homo-eroticism of two men sitting in towels and heatedly discussing the love life of another man.

After bike riding, Nick and Andi do some hiking in the gorgeous foothill mountains just outside Santa Barbara. They have a really calm, natural energy between them, and Andi is right. By Bachelorette standards, this date is fairly normal/low-key.

Atop a small mesa, Nick tells Andi that he feels the natural amount of skepticism about “the process”, but that he’s been so impressed by her so far she’s blowing him away. Nick is just a regular dude: a great, nice regular dude that if I met in Chicago, I probably would never have pegged as someone who’d be on the Bachelorette. But here he is. Doing great. Being a normal, kind of dorky dude.

They climb farther up the hills to watch a stunning sunset. I do like them together, so we’ll see how far this little “schoolboy crush” goes.

The dinner portion of the date is at the old Santa Barbara courthouse that is in that beautiful, traditional Spanish mission style. She starts right away by asking him why he thinks he’s still single. So he dives into his whole love life including a long high school relationship, a quickly broken engagement, and why all that led him to where he is. Andi loves his honesty and supports his decision to break off an engagement when he knew it wasn’t right.

As they continue talking, Andi realizes that they share a lot of the same views when it comes to love and finding someone to spend your life with. She says it’s “obvious” there’s a connection. She gives him the date rose with the promise that she’ll “make [him] a believer in all this.” They kiss from the top of the bell tower, and it looks like a pretty good kiss, lemme you tell you what.

Now it’s time for the group date I’ve been most looking forward to. These are the men participating: Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus. “Let’s start things off on the right note” says the date card and the men are convinced it’s karaoke.

It’s not karaoke though; it’s so, so, so, so much better. I should start this off by saying I am 100%, un-ironically, obsessed with Boyz II Men. Like there is no group with tighter, more beautiful harmonies in the last thirty years. AND I’M SO EXCITED THEY ARE THERE TO COACH THESE DUDES.

Bradley the Opera Dork is already doing arpeggios on the car ride to warm up. I’ll kill him. Such an embarrassment to Holland, Michigan home of New Holland Brewery and Hope College and two stunning state park beaches!

They are at the Music Academy of the West and enter an auditorium to the three remaining members of Boyz II Men singing “I’ll Make Love to You.” The dudes are appropriately pumped. I have goosebumps because of beautiful harmonieeeeeees!!! I’m so EXCITED FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in the 7th grade,” Eric admits. Amazing, dude. Bradley already tries to sing, and I hope he chokes. Josh is really nervous because he’s not trained like Bradley but I think today the underdog shall prevail.

The guys split off into two groups to start rehearsing with their respective Boy II Man. And oh my god! OH MY GOOOOOOD. THEY ARE ALL TONE DEAF. I’M LAUGHING SO HARD I’M CRYING AT JOSH JUST NOT EVEN CLOSE TO MATCHING THE NOTES THE PIANO IS MAKING. Cody is also very not good. Brian is worse than both of them put together. I am SCREECHING and CACKLING with abandon as we cut to Marcus who at least knows how to get away with talk-singing, but it still hurts me so bad.

This is already 100%, without a doubt, my favorite group date in Bachelorette history on sheer entertainment level. Bradley is singing like an opera singer and that hurts me almost as bad as the tone-deaf singing. Tasos is ok. Compared to the rest he’s an American Idol. As they practice the harmonies together it sounds like a pack of wild dogs. They know they suck, so it’s at least laughing with them (but also a good dose of laughing AT them).

Andi is also so, so, so tone deaf it’s incredible, but she is such a good sport with it all. She’s winning me over by being so hilarious and fun with everything. Bradley won’t stop being the WORST, and I can’t wait for the final performance in front of people.

The Boyz are giving some great color commentary about two or three of the guys being able to carry a tune well enough to bring it to water and drown it. I’m laughing on purpose; I’m laughing at their expense. I’m laughing so much. Please, please find a clip of this online and listen in because it will make your life a better place.

The concert starts up with the Boyz II Men singing their new and old hits and slaying the crowd. Marquel is thrilled and says they are #blessed to have the opportunity to sing with them.

The bachelors make their way up to the stage through the soaring voices of the Boyz. They enjoy the concert as nerves rise and rise. During one song, Cody leans over to Andi and says, “hey, whatever happens, this is an awesome experience.” I hate Cody so much, but he is so right in this situation.

Both groups of guys get on stage. One group is in khaki jackets and red ties, and the other group is in matching blue cardigans with bow ties and baseball hats. The music starts up and they do the traditional 90s R&B low-talking to their “girl” at the beginning. Would you be shocked to hear that Bradley starts out? And he’s singing it straight opera-style, and Josh Groban he ain’t. This is not meant to be sung like a trained opera singer, BRADLEY. IT SHOULD COME FROM YOUR HEART AND YOUR LOINS NOT YOUR DUMB DIAPHRAM.

Eric does passably well. Cody is very bad. Brian hurts my ears so much. They are butchering the song but commit to it like someone at karaoke singing Whitney Houston when they know they are in way over their head but having so much fun anyway. Andrew is terrible. Marcus doesn’t remember the words. Bradley is straight up hogging the mic. Everyone is in agreement that they had a blast and it was fun despite ruining the song. I agree too. That was a blast for me.

The cocktail party is poolside at the resort, and Andi is in a killer hot pink, draped, one shoulder dress. She pulls Cody (ugggh) aside first because she feels like she and Cody share a similar sense of humor, and she wants to try a little prank. So she sets up by saying she heard “chatter” that he has a girlfriend.

Cody is shocked and then says, “I’ve been single for about three and half years!” Dawg, you such a playa no one can hold the Cody down for too long, ‘nah mean?! Ha HAAAAA!

But anyways Andi goes on and says, “Well there are guys who’ve been saying you have a girlfriend…and that’s she’s A STRIPPER!!!” AND THEN THEY LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH. WHAT A HILARIOUS PRANK. Wow. I almost crack a smile it’s so funny, but then I don’t because nothing will ever make me laugh like those men trying to sing a 90s R&B classic.

Man, do they ever laugh. Cody is such a jabronie, and I can’t handle him. But a fun thing is that you can see that his natural hair and eyebrow color is growing in without the opportunity to bleach it every third day. I hope he continues to metamorphose into a normal human man.

Eric is starting to worry about their connection and wondering if it’s perhaps faded a little bit since the initial heat of the first date. Andi tries to reassure him that it’s just a different setting and that she still feels the same for him. Eric accepts this.

Nick brings the date card at the mansion over to the three remaining men sweating it out in the hot tub together. The date is going to JJ! My favorite pantsapreneur around!!!

Marcus is feeling pretty nervous about being around all these other guys when he’s developing real feelings for her. He’s hoping he’ll get his first kiss with her tonight. I 1000% do not understand her obsession with him. They kiss. Marcus feels really great about it. I do not.

Josh continues to be adorable with is dimples and tiny scarf on his big body. They make out hardcore because she likes him a lot. He is kind of yucky and VERY, VERY sensual. I’m sorry I just said sensual, you guys, but there is no other word for the way Josh is behaving. He’s close talking and whispering and interspersing tiny kisses with long, deep kisses. Josh got mad game, yo.

And for “opening up” to her (WITH HIS MOUTH HOLE) the date rose goes to Josh. He’s stoked. Bradley is crestfallen in a dumb red satin tie. SATIN. I mean honestly.

And now it’s time for JJ’s date. He’s so tall and cute. Andi is stoked, as am I. He is wearing quite the pair of pants that I can only assume are his design. The date today though is the most cracked thing you could imagine.

They are going to “grow old together” which is funny in theory, but in actuality they are just being put into full body old age makeup complete with hair, clothes, and I imagine a ton of spirit gum. It really feels like the producers were scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one.

JJ looks like the Crypt Keeper, legitamtely, and he says it. “I look like a creepy old uncle or grandfather! Whatever…I look like a really creepy old man.” They both have a good hearty laugh about how dumb he looks and kind of cute she is. They go for a walk on the boardwalk to try and fool some people with their act. I don’t like it. They basically just stage whisper to people as their old people voice, and it is just terrifying.

But they both seem to have a lot of fun with roaming around Santa Barbara on motor scooters.

They yuck it up throwing a football around a park and doing some cartwheels. They just keep laughing fooling all these people. I don’t think they’re really fooling anyone, but they both have so much fun. They share an awkward first kiss swinging around on a tire swing.

Um and then in the CUTEST moment of the whole day, JJ pulls a Werther’s Orignal out of his pocket for Andi. Then they ride a carousel together and continue to be generally adorable.

Meanwhile, Ron gets a distressing phone call. He’s pacing around the driveway of the mansion and speaking in Hebrew/English to someone. He packs all his bags as the guys wildly speculate as to what happened. He comes in to say good-bye, and share that his close friend has passed away. He’s so cute. Literally my roommate and I were just cooing over him during the group date, and I feel so bad for him. Poor Ron! Godspeed. We wish you well.

 Back at the date for dinner, the two meet up back to their normal, young selves. JJ is still dressed kind of like an old man, but in the most charming and adorable way. He will probably have a rough patch of adult acne for the next week because of that makeup though.

JJ really opens up about being picked on and having to switch schools because he was having such a hard time. And he talks about how it’s hard for him as a weird, quirky guy to find a girl that will really love him. JJ! You SWEET, PEACH OF A MAN. Andi assures him that they all worry about finding someone and encourages him to continue just being himself.

He’s so cute, you guys. I can’t stand it.

More Mansion Drama is going on with the men though. Not boy-fights, but Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face has some life stuff he’s worried about telling Andi. So in the interest of telling someone before he explodes from nerves, he tells Farmer Chris, who is turning out to be the Renee of this season. He’s such a sweetheart as he listens to Dylan BH-GF pour his heart out about having both a sister and a brother pass away from drug abuse. This poor, poor man. He cries a little and Chris puts a reassuring hand on his back. These two. Like a couple of puppies.

Andi is really taken with JJ though in all his goofy, sweet ways. He tells her about his most recent past relationship and blah, blah, blah. Can you all tell that this is always my least favorite part? No one cares! Get to the good stuff! JJ’s talking a lot though, so I hope Andi’s not turned off by that.

She gives him the date rose though and they share a lovely kiss that isn’t hindered by layers of old-age makeup and spirit gum.

At the start of the rose ceremony, Andi sheds a tear or two over Ron having to leave. Her heart is aching for him and his loss, and she is so grateful for the men sacrificing their time to be there. Andi’s dress tonight is on point. Finally. It’s this deep raspberry, strapless number. I love it.

While Andi is talking to Eric and having a good time, a delivery guy walks in and hands her a bouquet of flowers she has to sign for. “I wish I was responsible for this,” Eric whispers as Andi reads the heartfelt card from none other than…Nick! That is a slick, slick move Nick (the Producers). How very cunning of you (the producers) to concoct such an elaborate scheme.

Andi feels really bad for being so happy about the flowers while Eric is sitting there. He is totally thrown off his game. Poor Eric.

Nick totally wins all of the points from Andi for sending those flowers. She loves that it seems like real life that he just sent the girl he likes flowers. Nick admits that he wants to make this process seem as close to real life as possible and do exactly what he’d do under normal circumstances. Andi loves this, of course.

But once again, and I have a feeling not for the last time in the next two episodes, drama erupts. JJ pulls Josh aside to discuss what they witnessed the week prior when they went out to dinner, and Andrew not only got the hostesses number, but also bragged about it to the other guys at dinner.

Josh and JJ are the truth police and pull Andrew aside to talk to him about it. I at least like that they talk to Andrew about it first, instead of running straight to Andi. The phrase “here for the right reasons” gets thrown around a lot. And Andrew just says “I’m not going to engage in this. I’m sorry.” And walks away which is exactly how a guilty asshole behaves. They chase him through the house demanding he “man up” and are finally turned away by him slamming a door.

Andrew decides to come out of his temper tantrum ready for battle. He feels that Josh and JJ attacked him, and you know, he’s the type of person who will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, “even dorks, even assholes, even the f***ing nerds.” SHOTS FIRED, ANDREW. SHOTS. FIRED.

He comes downstairs to confront the guys in the kitchen over a cheese platter and some cocktail meatballs (I’m hungry). He tries to defend himself saying that he was handed a phone number and that was that. But all the other guys are saying that no, he “got” a girl’s number then proceeded to brag about it to everyone else in the van on the way home and to the other guys in his room back at the house. He’s being an absolute ass hat about the whole thing. I don’t like this guy to begin with, so every move he makes just digs him deeper and deeper into being a smarmy yucko.

Andrew won’t stoop to the level of the “three lowlifes” who confronted him. What an ass.

But with all that being said, we go straight into the rose ceremony with nothing being said to Andi. Which leads me to believe that the major drama tomorrow night will be as a result of this shit hitting the fan.

Roses go to: Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and the final rose goes to Andrew.

Which leaves Brett the hairstylist with a mullet-mohawk and Bradley the Dweebus opera singer going home. It also leaves tensions high and hackles raised amongst the remaining guys with Andrew squeaking by. Until tomorrow, folks! We’ll see you there.

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Week two is where the magic and madness really begins on the Bachelorette, so let’s not delay any further.

Andi is once again so thrilled to be where she’s at, and the dudes equally so. Chris Harrison stops by the mansion to lay down the law of the land and leave the first date card. The first one-on-one goes to Erik. He’s so handsome; I can’t really stand it.

She pops by to pick him up in her sweet Audi convertible and the men surround her like a herd of hyenas to see them off. They drive down a scenic highway, and land at the beach. They just have a beach picnic and build sandcastles and fly kites and giggle like little kids!

“This chick’s pretty cool,” Eric says. Please don’t use the word chick, ever, but I’m glad you’re having fun. Then a HELICOPTER COMES! THANK GOD! Eric does a good job pretending to be impressed by a helicopter when he has motorcycled across half of Africa. They are whisked away to Bear Mountain that is covered in snow. Eric is a really good sport about pretending to be completely blown away by the magnificence of a single mountain.

Then LOUIE VITO comes snowboarding down the mountain to give them a snowboarding lesson! Louie Vito who I’m most familiar with through my other favorite TV show “The Pete Holmes Show” and Louie’s reckless ‘tude!

Eric is like flipping around on his snowboard, total pro, while Andi falls and trips and tumbles as she learns how to snowboard. Louie Vito is pretty hands on but he’s tiny, so Eric is chill. They snowboard and are generally adorable together. They literally cannot stop saying how amazing it is that they were on a beach in the morning and in the afternoon they were in the snow. They are amazed that such a thing could be humanly possible. Thanks to things like helicopters and planes and trains and cars and wheels and the human foot, this is very possible guys.

For the dinner date, Andi dons a rather large turtleneck sweater. It’s actually cute, but if I’m to understand from the previews, this will not be the last turtleneck we see. They snuggle up on a couch in front of a fire and share stories. He shares a particularly harrowing one about the time he spent in Syria. It was a near death experience where they were almost killed by some rebels. He’s so amazing, and I’m legitimately having a hard time watching this realizing that this man has since died.

Eric talks about his family and how everyone has a ton of kids, and he’s finally ready to settle down and start a family of his own. Andi is really taken by him and of course he gets the date rose no question about it.

Next up is the group date. Going on it are the following men: Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S. and Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face.

They meet up down in Hollywood to fulfill the date card “Let’s Bare our Souls.” This group has the most frat-boy mentality I’ve seen in a few seasons. So it’s perfectly fitting that for charity, these men will be doing a strip show/dance. They watch a group of seasoned performers shake, shimmy, and pose. And then a very scary man who is the director of the Hollywood Men wearing a blazer over a bare chest and some glasses, sets up the men to audition. The men are divided into three groups: cowboys, firefighters, and army-men. The robot solo is given to Nick and the aviator solo is given to Marcus. Andi is not secretive about how hot she thinks Marcus is.

Carl the real firefighter from Ft. Lauderdale is also going to be playing a firefighter here today. He has two full tattoo sleeves and is VERY ATTRACTIVE TO ME.

As they are going through the routines, the best part is the real dancers who are teaching them. They are holding little boom boxes and teaching these guys real dance steps for these routines. Marcus is very nervous about his solo, and he should be. All women have seen Channing Tatum dance to “Pony”. He’s got big shoes to fill in terms of female sexual fantasy. Except gross and like don’t etc.

Craig is continuing to be a big dork, and I hate him so much. He’s a “nerdy” bro and I wish he would just stop being around. He can’t stop talking about how hot Josh looks while dancing.

Nick S. is pretty thrilled about being the sexy robot, but Marcus is still really scared and nervous! Even as he gets into his adorable “Officer and a Gentleman” costume, his hands are trembling.

All the men have to get spray tanned and oiled up, and I’m pretty grossed out. Craig demands to have his package filled out. What a horrendous human.

But good news abounds because Sharleen and Kelly the Dog Lover/Sharp-Witted Diva are there to have fun alongside Andi!!!

The dancing begins with the cowboys, and Craig continues to be upset about how hot Josh is. Nick S. kills it as the robot and accidentally showed way too much. The firemen are the hottest though because duh. Chris Harrison slaps a butt with as little vigor as he could muster. The army guys get out there and continue to elicit screams and cries of delight from the wild audience.

Then it’s Marcus’ turn for his solo and he is so nervous. But then he tells us that when he got on stage he just looked to Andi’s beauty to calm himself and managed to have a good time. Wow. That woman’s face is so healing. How great. He does a good job. He’s no Chan-Chan though.

I’m sad there wasn’t more Kelly and Sharleen time. Carl the firefighter is covered in tattoos all over his beautiful body, and I’m gonna need more screen time for our friend Carl there.

Now that the dancing is done, we move onto the cocktail party portion of the date. The men spiff up quite nicely. If I’m not mistaken, this date is taking place in the same mansion at which Desiree filmed her “For the Right Reasons” music video.

Brian is really nervous about making a great impression, so he pulls her aside first. Andi tells him how much she enjoyed his performance. Their time goes so well that Andi ends up very impressed by him and his personality.

Josh M. looks like Mark Cuban to me from certain angles, so I’m having a hard time. He’s a former pro-baseball player, and Andi is super into his “type” but worried that that type of guy is why she’s still single. They have a nice talk and have pretty good chemistry together. Josh reassures her that he is not the “typical jock” and to not pigeon hole him so fast. We’ll see…

Craig is already blitzed drunk and still talking about how hot Josh is…

Back at the mansion the four remaining guys are on pins and needles waiting for the date card. It goes to Chris the sweet, sweet farmer.

Back at the group date, Blake is singing opera again on bended knee like a regular twat. Come on, Holland. Be cooler than that!

Craig is even drunker than before as he hunts down Andi to get alone time. She knows he’s super drunk and is pretty good about dealing with him. As they sit, she tells him he can ask her anything whenever. She is an open book. So Craig asks, “What’s the worst thing about your parents? Boom.”

As she continues talking with other guys, Craig continues to be the worst. Josh realizes that he’s kind of his wrangler and is like “Craig. Inside! Come on.” Like he’s a dog. Nick S gets in a swimsuit in the pool, and Craig jumps in fully clothed.

Andi is much displeased by this. “They do get that they’re here to date, right?” she begs to the camera. I don’t know, Andi. The rest of the guys are all pretty much done with Craig too.

The whole situation is overwhelming for Andi as she starts to question if it’s even worth it for her to be there. The producers finally lasso Craig to take him home, and Marcus whisks Andi away to calm her spirit.

As she tries to focus on the good parts of the date, she comes to give out the date rose. It, of course, goes to Marcus because she really likes him and also admired him for being brave with his dance solo.

Now we move along to Chris’s one-on-one date. He’s so sweet and so excited to show her a good time after the drama of the previous night’s date. They go to a fancy race track for a day of horse racing and glamorous times. She’s in a totally gorgeous green dress that I must have, and brings him to a closet to get all glammed up to match. He’s very good looking and also has the temperament of 10 year old golden retriever.  When he greets her again in his perfect grey suit with bowtie he says he feels like Pretty Woman. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

They have a fun time just being glamorous at the race track. And then an old couple (that might have been placed there by the producers but SHHHHSHSHH IT’S MAGIC) asks them how long they’ve been together. And the old couple talk about how they met and how they’ve been together for fifty-five years. They are so sweet. They met when he was playing baseball because AMERICA. It’s just a really sweet moment, even if those people are Chris Harrison’s grandparents or something.

For dinner they continue on at the race track, but now the whole place is theirs. I am slightly irritated two-thirds of the way through episode two that Andi keeps saying “stop! Stoooop!” in reaction to anything surprising or flattering the guys say. But during the date Chris shares that he was engaged at one point, but ultimately realized “darn it, it’s not there.” DARN. IT. HE SAID DARN IT. This man is character from a Nicholas Sparks novel.

He gets the date rose of course because he’s a very, very kind person who said some nice things to her that he didn’t realize were exactly the nice things she needed to hear. What a little cutie. Then they get the first private concert of the season from This Wild Life who are actually a really great little indie band and NOT some shitty d-list country singer! Stepping it up, Bachelor. They have a first kiss while dancing. I like them together.

And the final cocktail party is upon us. Andi is wearing a ridiculous dress that looks like something Whoopi might have warn in Sister Act but like when she was a lounge singer and not a nun, duh. Her hair and makeup is on point though. But this dress. Yikes.

Nick V., our first impression rose winner, has set up an elaborate one-on-one time with some strawberries and champagne. They talk about what they are both looking for in the next relationship. Surprise, surprise, they are both looking for a kind of forever love. A DOI. THAT’S WHAT ALL THE GUYS ON THE SHOW ARE GOING TO TELL YOU.

The guys have planned various fun-tivities to keep Andi’s interest piqued. She eats it all up like me in front of a hot cheese dip. She has a great kiss with Josh because he continues to woo her by being the big strong man who cannot keep it together around her because he’s got those little butterflies.

Then it’s time for Craig to try to apologize to Andi for being such a shit show on the last group date. “I have to do something more than just apologize,” he says as he does the unthinkable and slings a guitar around his body. Yes, God. What have I done to deserve such a bounty of gifts and blessings like Craig singing a song to Andi at week two?

The dudes feel equally blessed to bear witness to such a miracle and gather like little school girls to listen to him sing a song he wrote specifically for the situation.

Here are the lyrics. It should also be said that he is a horrible, horrible, singer.

“I messed up last night. / I had too much firefly. / I bared my junk to thirteen other guys. / But I hope and pray that it’s alright, Oh Andi. / Please let me stay.”

He doesn’t even know that he drank Fireball whiskey and not something he’s calling “firefly”. Craig is properly contrite but he is not that cute and seems kind of simple and it’s time to go home, ya jabronie.

Rose Ceremony time!

Who is in: Ron, Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody (WHY), Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett, and Bradley.

NOOOO SHE LET GO OF CARL THE INSANELY HOT, TATOOED FIREMAN WHO IS WEARING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME GLASSES RIGHT NOW. NO, CARL. PLEASE. I WILL SAVE YOU FROM THE INFERNO OF YOUR BROKEN HEART.

Also going home are Nick S. the pro-golfer and Craig the big fat dummy Dumbo. She tells him she thinks he’s a great person but “just couldn’t get past it.” He laments his foolish decisions, as well he should. What a dope, and good riddance.

On to bigger and better things, like the “dramatic two-night event” of the Bachelorette coming at us next week! So much drama! Many tears! Many men proving their worth and having a pissing contest! Until then, my loves. Next Tuesday/Wednesday for the double feature recap, and as always, twitter @Chasspod. Besos!

The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

WE. ARE. BACK. Yes that’s right boys and girls, with a bit of a delay I am back in the driver’s seat of the psychedelic party bus of recapping the Bachelorette for you beautiful people. We’ve sure had some times, haven’t we? We have. But now we’re here for Andi Dorfman’s season. And we gonna have some new times, some refreshing times, some “Thank God She’s Not Juan Pablo” times. So let’s get this party bus going!

As some of you may or may not know, a contestant on this season of the Bachelorette, Eric Hill, passed away recently. They start the show by dedicating this season to his memory and doing a short video package of his life. It is short and very tasteful. I’m glad they did it. 

But now it’s time to roll the video package of Andi getting’ down and dirty doing her job! She federally prosecutes ALLLLLLLL over Hotlanta! They even have a great staged scene where in an ENTIRELY EMPTY COURTROOM she asks a judge if she may approach the bench. He says yes because no one gives a hot shit because he might as well be the janitor in a black robe for all we know! 

Through the rest of the standard video package Andi talks to her family who tell her all the things families always say. And she talks and talk about how ready she is. Andi is totally open to finding love and is so excited at the prospect of falling in love. Andi is very, very excited but nervous to be the Bachelorette. Andi’s eyebrows are killing me, and I sense they will be a great source of ire for the remainder of the season. They are like a completely flat plane on top and are too thin and just a slight arch. Fix it! Someone! 

To help her get ready for the night, her sister whose name I miss pops in to help her pick a dress and talk about kissing boys on TV. They cry as her sister gives her words of advice and affirmations about the process. 

And before you now it she is standing upon that slicked down driveway we all know and love in a dress that is…a lot. There’s a lot of bejeweling and bedazzling and I’m just not a fan. The dress is almost matronly. Blugh.

Marcus is first out of the limo. Andi hugs him and she will hug all the guys because “it’s like a first date.” She thinks Marcus is very hot.

Chris a farmer from Iowa is next. He’s a hulky man-man but so sweet. I like Chris.

JJ a “pantsapreneur” is out next. He is cute as a button and is also in the lead for most absurd non-job job title. He’s excited for their “love quest”. 

Then we’ve got Marquel. He is African American. So we all know what that means in terms of how much this show loves diversity…

Tasos is a “Wedding Event Coordinator” and has a Mohawk and an earring. He does a bit about placing a love lock on the fence of the mansion and throwing the lock into the fountain with a wish. She is very taken by this, and I’m just laughing picturing some P.A. using the bolt cutters on that lock a little later.

Then a limo is pushed into the driveway by an orange skinned, bleach-blond tuft-haired  muscle man named Cody who is a personal trainer from Chicago. The collar on his suit jacket is popped, and I want him to die. 

Steven is a snowboarder California dude with a stupid flippy surfer-dude haircut and he says “stoked.” He’d be so, so hot if he fixed his hair. 

Rudie comes out with some attorney humor. Rudie looks like if Erik Spoelstra and Mark Ruffalo had a love child who could only look surprised/scared. 

Carl is up next and he is a hunky firefighter from Florida. He got her a mini-globe to mark where they are starting their journey. 

BOLT YOUR DOORS. HERE COMES JASON. Jason is an urgent care doctor from Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, and Jason has shoulder length, shiny blond hair. Jason looks like he is always thinking about how exactly he would kill you and into what position he would taxidermy your body. He does a stupid bit about being a doctor who can diagnose on sight and says she must have a fever because she’s so hot. He’s so, so scary.

  Nick V. is next out of the gate. He’s one of my Chicago homeboys, so despite walking up to her like he’s got a big turd to hold in, I hope he doesn’t embarrass me. He is totes adorbs.

Dylan is an accountant from Boston with terrible slicked back hair. His face is really good though. Dylan Bad hair-Good face is how we shall call him.

Patrick does a soccer ball gimmick where he kicks it away because he’s way better than the last soccer player she dated. Sure, dude.

Emil is a very hunky HELICOPTER PILOT. THE SHOW IS BECOMING SELF-AWARE. ABORT. ABORT. No, no JK, JK, JK. Andi can’t pronounce Emil so he tells her just like “anal” with an “M”. So that’s a great first impression.

Brett is a hairstylist in a bowtie who brings Andi a hotel lamp because his mother taught him to never greet a lady empty handed? Which…ok? I guess. I mean even if that were true…a hotel lamp? I’m unsure of this guy and his horrible, over-styled hair. 

Craig is a giant dork who pops a bottle of champagne and sprays it all over the driveway. Whatever, Craig. Ron is from Israel and Barbados and is very exotic looking and quite attractive.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy effing shit. The next guy out of the limo is named Bradley, and he is a very bland looking man claiming to be an opera singer but MOST IMPORTANTLY he is from HOLLAND, MICHIGAN. THAT IS THE VERY SMALL TOWN IN WEST MICHIGAN WHERE I WENT TO AN EVEN SMALLER LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE. HOLLAND ON THE MAP, Y’ALL. HOLLAND REP-RA-SENT WITH THIS MOON-FACED GOON. He’s a dork and I kind of hate him, but I also love him because of solidarity.

Josh B. is out next and he’s a little short but pretty cute. Another gimmick ensues with Nick S. who is a balding pro-golfer. Brian the basketball coach is a sweetheart whose face is beet red. Andrew is a social media marketer. Mike is yet another long blond haired man who is a dork and looks like a lion. People call him Camps. We won’t because why?

Now it’s time for Eric. They’ve given him the job title of “explorer”. He presents her with two small dolls he was given in Peru, the first country went to outside of North America. A little girl gave them to him to give to his girlfriend, so now he’s giving them to Andi. It’s pretty cute, and he is pretty cute. It’s making me pretty sad.

Josh M. is the last guy out the limos. He is non-descript and also lives in Atlanta.

So now let the cocktail party begin. Will anyone jump in the pool tonight??? Time will tell. Right off the bat, she is very attracted to that last guy Josh M., but is wary that he might just be that confident guy who knows the right words to say. 

Marquel brings out a cookie tasting. He is legit obsessed with cookies? I love cookies. I guess it’s ok. Be obsessed with cookies Marquel. Then he finishes the plate with a black and white cookie to represent the two of them, and I’m uncomfortable.

Erik and Andi talk about his life and job of filming him going to all of the 195 countries of the world. He’s so handsome and sweet and the fact that he has since passed is truly making me a sad lady.

 The Honorable Chris Harrison brings out the first impression rose, and the dudes freak out like elephants with a mouse in old timey cartoons. 

Guys, guys, guys. The unthinkable has happened. There is a party crasher down at craft services, and if you’d given me a million bucks I never could have guessed who it would be. I am so delighted at who it is. Do you want to know who has snuck onto the property to try to vie for Andi’s heart? It’s Chris Bukowski! If the name alone isn’t ringing a bell, how about THIS:

  Yes that’s right, Sam the Eagle. Our very own overly possessive, misogynist from Emily Maynard’s season is the party crasher. The surly security guard is very surly that he is there and has brought roses. The producer’s are all a titter and basically “WTF?”-ing everywhere. I’m so excited to see how this turns out. 

Back at the mansion, Andi is losing her mind in joy about how fun this group of guys is. She’s getting golf lessons and talking to boys with long hair and the pantsapreneur brought her pants! Andi is feeling this being the Bachelorette thing.

With Tasos they talk about traveling. I can’t stand his earring. He could actually be handsome and potentially interesting but he’s got that damn earring.

Nick V. has ten other siblings. He is adorable with his little polka-dot tie. Andi is really taken by him, and I am too. He’s one of the few guys so far who seems to have a natural, not-put-on way of talking to her. 

Bradley the opera singer from Holland, MI is basically Frankenstein’s monster. He’s tall and pale and long armed and big handed and just sings out opera notes every once in a while, I’m sure to everyone’s sheer delight.

Andrew and Patrick form a really fast douche-mance. They are both horrendous human beings that I wish would eat some Fiberglas. 

Back at craft services, Chris Bukowski is making conversation with the surly security guard. Chris Harrison goes to Andi on his behalf to ask if she wants to meet him. After a bit of weighing the options, she decides to not meet him/let him into the group so as to not betray the trust of all the other men who were put through the ringer to be there for her. Chrarrison approves, as do I. I love when a thing doesn’t go well for Chris Bukowski.

  And then Chris Harrison does the impossible by endearing himself to me even more. He is sizing up Chris Bukowski and finding him sorely lacking. Chrarrison keeps telling him that he can’t come up, she doesn’t want to meet him, etc, but Bukowski isn’t taking no for an answer. He says that he was out in LA for seven days waiting to see when they were filming. He won’t leave. He says that. “I’m not leaving, just to let you know. I can’t leave.” And Chris Harrison says, “But if you really respect her, you’ll respect her wishes.” BOOM. THERE’S THE TRUTH. SHE SAID NO, AND NO MEANS NO. RESPECT THAT. WALK AWAY BUKOWSKI.

He continues to protest and Chrarrs finally gets through to him by saying, “the only place it goes from here is it gets bad.” And so per Bukowski’s wishes, Chrarrison takes the roses to give to Andi and hightails it out of there. Chris Harrison has no time for you, Chris Bukowski. Suck on that. 

But again, back to the mansion where the fun is. The guys are still freaking out about the first impression rose and just talking to her in general. Chris the farmer is soooooooooo sweet. He’s just so calm and seems like he’s intently listening. I love this guy. He’s like a gentle grizzly bear.

Marcus is Polish. Andi is super into him physically, but to me he’s kind of a dud. 

The time has come for the first impression rose! Everyone’s hackles raise as Andi takes the rose from its ceremonial plate and walks through the house. She finally approaches the adorable Nick V.! Chicago boy! So precious! First impression rose has never been the final person, but hopefully this bodes well for Nick V.

  And the big rose ceremony is already upon us. With a lovely speech detailing how grateful Andi is to all the guys, we begin.

Who’s in: JJ, Eric, Marquel, Craig, Tasos, Josh M., Brian, Bradley, Marcus, Andrew, Ron, Carl, Chris, Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, Brett, Patrick, Cody (ew), and finally Nick S.

Which leaves Steven the snowboarder, Rudie The Spoelstra-Ruffalo Spawn, Doctor of Horror Jason, Lion-Haired Mike, hot helicopter pilot Emil, and one very bitter Josh. He is embarrassed and continues to embarrass himself further by ranting about it. Be less bitter, buddy. It’ll help.

But enough of the cry babies. Let’s toast right alongside the rest of the bachelors left in the mansion with our Bachelorette. They are going to travel Europe and do all kinds of crazy activities. There are lots and lots of tears that will be spilt by everyone involved. I’m so excited.

  I’ve missed you all too. So keep in touch. I’ve only just realized I had a bit of a pile-up in the ask file, so I’ll get to all of those in the next few days. Apart from today’s double post, recaps will go up regularly on Wednesday’s, and you can play along over on Twitter @Chasspod until then. Love to you all! 

The Bachelor - After the Final Rose Recap

Jumping straight into After the Final Rose because never before have we needed to have so many questions answered. I’m so confused about so many things, and I need Chrarrison to pull me through.

“Why was ‘I like you a lot’ enough for Nikki to accept the final rose?” Chris Harrison asks us. Why, indeed, Chris? Why, indeed?

No time is wasted bringing Clare on stage in a stunning black leather, a-line dress. Girl has style. I think it speaks to the depth of the lack of character of Juan Pablo that I went from being so annoyed with Clare to being so completely on her side.

Chris asks her about what happened that made her so sure of that proposal. She talks about the night in her hotel room where he had every opportunity to ACTUALLY be honest with her. “Tell me your fears because these are mine. Tell me your worries because these are mine. Tell me your doubts because I’ll be out of here,” she says. And she also explains how disappointing it was to hear Juan Pablo say something so offensive and rude to her in the helicopter. “I was definitely wearing those rose colored glasses,” she says about her temporary forgiveness.

“I should have left. My gut was right on. I should have left,” Clare admits. Chris Harrison is very respectful in his questioning. I think we get the answers we want to hear from Clare without feeling like Chris is peeling her open against her will. So respectful is he, in fact, that he asks if she wants to talk to and see Juan Pablo tonight. She says no. “Because never before had I been able to stand up to a man like that before…It was so liberating to stand there and say ‘this is how I feel and it’s not okay’” she explains. That was her closure. And that was enough. The audience applauds wildly.  Goodnight, Clare. I wish you good things in your life. I hope you can take this opportunity to relax and let love come to you when it’s ready. Who am I anymore? I don’t know, but I genuinely want that for her.

“Finally,” is the first thing Juan Pablo says as he comes out on stage. He sends a quick shout out to pray for Venezuela in their time of turmoil. Indeed. But let’s not stray from the point. “At the end of the day I had to make the decision that was right for me and it is what it is,” he explains about what happened. WHO TAUGHT HIM THOSE WORDS?! I’LL FIND YOU.

This guy is so full of hot air. He blathers on for a while about how hard it was for him and how he did the math that there were so many hours he spent on the show but only twenty hours were seen. And then Chris Harrison politely interrupts, as is custom for a host to do when the contestant is blathering. And Juan Pablo says, “Um can I talk?! Hoo! Can I talk?” and Chrarrison bowls right over him because NO. YOU CAN’T TALK YOU DOLLOP OF PRIMORDIAL OOZE. NO ONE DISRESPECTS MY CHRIS HARRISON. THAT MAN IS A SAINT AND A TREASURE. YOU SHUT UP.

When Chris asks him if he would have done anything differently regarding the helicopter comments, Juan Pablo demures that things were private and should be kept private and there are many things we didn’t hear. “Why should I have regret?” he asks. He genuinely doesn’t know to what Chris is referring. He doesn’t know that Clare was deeply offended by him saying “I don’t know you but I like f***ing you.” The rat bastard.

Juan Pablo goes away and we tromp Nikki out. She finally got her blond roots fixed and she is in a smoldering red dress. She is still in love. And she does not know if Juan Pablo is in love with her. “Um, not exactly,” is how she responds to the question “Has he told you that he loves you?”. I don’t know. Gah. Now we’re in the territory where it’s hard to tell what is truth and what is not. Do I feel like at this point he should know whether or not he loves her? Yes. If he does love her should he be telling her? Yes! Does he need to shout it from the mountain tops? Not necessarily, but he should TELL HER.

The couple finally reunites on TV and cuddle up on the couch. Juan Pablo is very excited that the trying four months in secret is over. When Chris Harrison asks what the big surprise he had promised to the producers in St. Lucia is, Juan Pablo plays dumb. He doesn’t know about any surprises. Nikki is his surprise but there are no other surprises.

So then Chris Harrison has to fill time. And he decides to pepper Juan Pablo with questions about how exactly he feels about Nikki. He wants him to say he loves her. But he won’t. And Nikki hasn’t said a word the whole time. She’s like a silent prisoner wife being obedient and silent, and it’s hard to watch. This is a smart, strong, independent woman, but she seems so complacent and deadened.

Juan Pablo goes on and on and on about how it’s personal and he’s not going to just say it to say it and he wants to be honest. He disrespects Chrarrison AGAIN by calling him out for interrupting him. Rude.

We get Sean Lowe’s opinion on the matter. He basically says that everyone is different, to each their own, but it is part of the process to lose a certain amount of privacy. And it is Sean’s nature to tell a woman the second he feels it to let her know he loves her! To tell her and hear it back!

“This is supposed to be the good part!...This is the time to shine and express your feelings!” Chris says.

Juan Pablo won’t play along. Nikki finally gets to chime in after being asked how she feels about it. She basically says that they are happy. They are treating it like a real relationship. That unlike other couples who come on After the Final Rose, they are actually a real couple who aren’t just saying they’re in love because they’re supposed to. On the one hand, yes. Maybe it’s good you’re taking it slower than others have in the past, but also I think if you’re with a guy who can’t say the words “I love you” to you, that’s not a great sign.

“Our plans changed drastically two weeks ago after the filming of the Women Tell All, but you know, it’s private. Now begins the private part of our lives,” Juan Pablo says of the future of their relationship. Ok, buddy. Yeah. “now” being after the full week of interviews you are contractually obligated to give to all the shows on ABC and the tabloids and magazines and everything? Ok great.

Nikki silently sits there and lets Juan Pablo talk for her. He kindly disagrees with Sean’s opinion that it’s not public, it’s private. And Sean shakes his head and laughs, “I hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but after this it doesn’t stay private.”

And his lovely wife Catherine chimes in saying how confusing this whole thing is, and “This show is about love and finding someone…don’t slap the hand that fed you.” Juan Pablo doesn’t know that expression, which I won’t fault him for. But I agree 100% with Catherine. He signed up for this. This is part of the deal.

Chris agrees too and explains that he understands wanting to keep some parts private, but why wouldn’t you want to celebrate the good part which is that Juan Pablo did find someone to be happy with and that he loves, yet refuses to say.

“Twelve years I’ve been doing this! This is a Bachelor first. Easily,” Chris Harrison shrugs to camera and then promises us the big reveal of the next Bachelorette.

Who, if we couldn’t have predicted beforehand, we now all know is Andi, our plucky ADA from Atlanta. This is perfect. I think Andi gets the show. She gets the process and is “open to the process”. I think Andi has just the right amount of chutzpa to have a sense of humor about things, but still ultimately be successful in this. I like Andi a lot, and I’m really looking forward to her upcoming season.

She comes on stage in an awesome silver sequined mini dress. She is breathless and nervous, but is stunning. “I just don’t wanna pop this dress!” she says. That is exactly the kind of spunk we need! Chris Harrison and she joke along to make sure she understands the process will be televised and that if she falls in love and might have to tell the world. She feels all in and is so ready for this. She is ready to fall in love and maybe get engaged.

Which might happen sooner rather than later! In two short months I’ll be back doing weekly recaps, as always on Wednesday. Please feel free to submit questions and comments, I always do my best to get back to you. It’s so much fun for me to get to know people from all over the world who love this show. It’s such a weird, great thing knowing so many people give a rat’s behind what I have to say about all the madness. It is appreciated and so delightful.

So until the Bachelorette is back on our TV screens, follow along here at the blog for all sorts of pop culture fun. Follow along with me over on Twitter @Chasspod. And as always, besos mis amores. Stay awesome. 

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 2 Recap

Oh wow. This is it. It's really here you guys. The time has finally come where we will know, once and for all, what will happen to Desiree in her turbulent quest for love. It’s been rough. Remember that guy with the secret girlfriend? Remember how much gay Michael hated douche Ben? Remember James being a lion with a thorn stuck in his paw that he wouldn’t let one tiny mouse help remove? REMEMBER BROOKS WALKING OUT ON DESIREE AT THE 11TH HOUR WITH HER HEART IN TATTERS? Yeah. Seas have been stormy. But here we are. In Antigua. Let the drama unfooooold!

Crap. I forgot about the live studio audience aspect of the grand finale. Chris Harrison welcomes us with open arms and throws us right into a video package of Desiree crying about Brooks. “He broke my heart…and now, I don’t know where to start,” she sniffles, “It sucks.”

What better time to have a one-on-one chat with Papa Chrarrison than the very moment your entire world is crumbling around you? They sit on some lovely whicker chairs to talk it all out. He invites her to sit and says, “How you doing today?”

“I’m ok,” she replies with a thin lipped smiled and continues to nod, maybe to convince herself it’s true.

“No. You’re not. I’m sorry,” Chrarrison reaches out as the tears begin to fall. The amount of tears this season could rival Ashley’s.

“I’m ok when people don’t ask,” admits Desiree. UGH. HAVEN’T WE ALL BEEN THERE? “I just want to go home to be honest.” Desiree continues crying and Chris offers up little comforting comments here and there. Eventually Desiree decides that she does want to continue on in “the process” with Drew and Chris to see if the “all important chemistry” and “undeniable spark” is really there with either of them. The fun thing is that they HAVE to go through a rose ceremony to get there, and they don’t know that Brooks is gone!

Chrarrison lines up the two remaining dudes on a dock and gives the floor to Desiree to explain the situation. She just barely gets through telling them that Brooks decided to go home on his own before she starts getting choked up. “I have taken every relationship separately…so I’m not going to let yesterday break my spirit,” Des resolves.

She stayed so strong though all of it, but really loses her stuff when she tells them she just wants them to let her know if they don’t want to accept the rose or continue in their relationship. This poor girl. You can totally see Chris wanting to run to her and comfort the pain away. Oh noble dorky Chris.

Drew’s name is called first, then Chris. They both accept.

“When you love someone as much as I do love Desiree, it’s hard to watch her cry,” Chris sternly tells the camera.

“I’m never gonna leave Desiree. It’s just never gonna happen,” Drew also very sternly tells us. Well, we’ll just see about that, Drew. Chris? Yeah I guess you’re fine for now. We’ll just see, gentleman.

Before we can get back to the drama we talk to some of the live studio audience – KILL TIME – and get some non-expert opinions. The consensus from these random strangers is that Brooks comes back. Pishaw. We have quite a few Team Chris people. The cheers for Drew are much quieter, lovely as he is.  BUT WUH-OH. WHAT HO. WHAT. HO. INDEED.  DID CHRARRS JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?

He says, “But what about this? If CHRIS finds out about how she felt about Brooks, you know…or Drew for that matter…uh you know, is there any chance that she could you know that this could still work?” Drew was an afterthought. Chris was the first name he emphasized then he got flustered after the slip up. Interesting.

We get yet another gratuitous shot of Desiree dressing herself over her bikini. There have been quite a few up close panning shots of her body that make me uncomfortable with the exploitative undertones. Drew’s date is up first and she is hopeful that she can “find sparks.”

They are riding horses down to the beach. Des introduces Drew to his horse Judy. What a great horse name: Judy. The conversation is strained and awkward on their horsey jaunt. It is that early that Desiree realizes that what she’s looking for just isn’t there with Drew. Des realizes she must now do to Drew what Brooks did unto her.

After a toast to being “madly in love” (oh dear, sweet Drew), Des just says “So. I really need to talk to you.” Which is exactly how 85% of breakups in the history of modern dating and relationships have begun, so Drew must just about pee his little Bermuda shorts at the sound of those words.

As she cries and struggles through finding the words to say, he squints deeply at her. I finally realize who Drew looks like.  He looks like Captain America. Seriously if Chris Evans wasn’t already the quintessential Steve Rodgers, I’d be gunning for this guy to take over because even his HAIR is superhero perfect.

Des lets him down gently, and Drew is the consummate gentleman though it all. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he repeats as Des blubbers about how bad she feels. “You don’t have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It’s not something you control; it just happens…I would want you to be in love with me as much as I’m in love with you. So this hurts but…it’s ok”. What a capital G gentleman and all around good guy. Godspeed Drew! Best wishes to you and your continuing journey to find love!

Hopefully with a break from the breakups, Chris has his date today. Desiree has a lot riding on it. As soon as Chris arrives though, their dorky chemistry is in full bloom. Chris says “Welcome!” when he first sees her, like you do when you’re being an idiot distracted by loving a person. And then Desiree tells him they’ll be going on a catamaran all day as Chris’ face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yes! Another boat just for you!” Des tells him. “Ok this is awesome!” Chris squeaks. Chris loves boats you guys. It’s that kind of dorky personality trait that could pull him through.

Chris is so freaking precious. He is just a precious little gemstone in a world of stupid pebbles. He tells her how much he will always love and support her and be a shoulder to cry on. They do indeed have a very strong connection. Desiree admits that her feelings may have been clouded because of Brooks.

The music begins to swell and the camera shots become sweeping as the catamaran streaks across the Caribbean Sea. The two lovers both feel comfortable and happy with each other. Desiree might begin to see the love and joy Chris could bring her whole life long.

It’s evening now, and the two are meeting at Chris’ plush ass suite for dinner and drinks. Chris gives world’s longest and most rambling toast thanking Desiree for everything and expressing how much he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They laugh and giggle. Desiree eats it all up and also shares how much she cherishes their time together.

Despite being apprehensive to introduce any of the guys to her family, Desiree decides that Chris shall meet her whole family. He is thrilled. She is thrilled that he so wants to meet her family.

Chris got her a gift. It is ANOTHER leather-bound journal. For those keeping score at home, that is two leather bound journals she’s been gifted with this season. He dedicates it to her and writes a little epigraph and also transcribes all of the poems into the first few pages. Barf. Blergh. Ack. Ew. But it’s still so sweet and thoughtful but MOSTLY barf.

“I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them and that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved because I don’t know what it feels like…so it feels good but it’s hard,” Desiree blubbers out. “How could I have not loved him so much from the beginning?”

And there, my friends, there I think is where it’s all decided. She toasts to him being the greatest man she’s ever known. Yeah. Chris. You’re the only guy left. I think you’ve got this hooked, lined, and sinker (whatever that means. Does anyone know?).

Back in the studio audience, we have some Bachelor fan favorites assembled to sound off their opinions. Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey are there as well as Catherine and Sean. How awkward! Sean is boring and diplomatic. Catherine is adorable and wise. Jackie is sad that Brooks left her but wants her to be happy ultimately. Lesley is smart and astute and to the point that Des is falling love with Chris fast and hard. Lindsey is an idiot. She thinks Brooks might still come back. Stupid, stupid Lindsey.

Ok, back to the task at hand. Chris brings a lovely bunch of rhododendrons to meet Desiree’s family which does include her very intense, felonious brother. Nate is certainly intense, but I think he suffers from a little bit of bad editing and also just a harsh demeanor. He asks the same questions that almost every family has asked the final contestants before. Did you ever doubt the process? Are you a jealous guy? How confident are you in the relationship? All normal questions that Chris passes with absolute flying colors. He is charming and at ease and gracious and lovely.

Desiree’s dad is adorable. Not Sean’s dad levels of charm, but his smile is pretty great. Chris and he have a nice chat which ends in Chris asking for Desiree’s hand in marriage. Dad gives a resounding yes.

The day concludes with Desiree and Nate sitting down to talk all of this stuff out. In the end, Nate approves of Chris but doesn’t want Des to settle. So that’s that. Will Desiree accept a proposal from Chris? Or will she end up alone?

It’s that time of the season, y’all! Time for everyone’s favorite human lizard Neil Lane to appear in a tropical locale with his set of diamond wares. Chris meets with him to select the ring that will be the symbol of his love and commitment that won’t be broken. He is really taking delight in the process of choosing a ring. Man this is a genuinely good guy. You precious goon, Chris! You have melted my steely, cold heart! He selects a very pretty, if not a bit gaudy, ring.

Desiree is wearing a gauzy, peach gown with a big crystal embellishment on the side. It’s gorgeous. Chris is wearing a crisp, black suit with a crisp white pocket square. They both look smart. Now let’s not break America’s heart and just be in love forever you two! Please!

Chris is a bundle of nerves, equal parts electric excitement and terror. He gets to talk first. Of course when I say “talk” I mean whisper. A stage whisper. He lists all the tiny moments where he fell in love with her. “You make me want to be a better person…I don’t want to make decisions for me anymore. I want to make decisions with you for us. I want to be that rock. I want to be the person that doesn’t break for you.” And I’m crying and just as he goes to bend down to the one knee she stops him. “Don’t say it? Oh god. Ok.” He stammers. We may have just witnessed him actually crapping his pants.

He steels himself for the rejection while Des prepares him for the truth. She tells him that he’s the only one there and the only one who met her family. Then launches into a beautiful speech about how the one thing she always needed was right in front of her the whole time. Chris is so happy when he realizes that she’s in love with him and isn’t rejecting him.

So then he says, “It’s not just a yes or a no. It’s a do you want to grow old together? Do you want to start a family together?” I’m crying but then LAUGHING because as he asks the big question, Des answers “YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES!” which is PERFECT AND DOESN’T HAPPEN IN REA LIFE! I GUESS THIS DOESN’T REALLY COUNT AS REAL LIFE BUT SHE SAID THAT UNPROMPTED AND IN EARNEST, SO.

They hold each other kissing and crying and then “Love and Affection” plays again to montage all the lovely moments they’ve had. I’m crying because apparently I’m a person who cries at this stuff now. It’s fine. Way to go for you Matt White getting this song on three times this season (EVEN THOUGH IT MEANS YOU’VE REPLACED PETER CETERA). Ok. Wow. They are happy in love. Crazy in love. They are engaged and during After the Final Rose it’s revealed that Desiree is moving to Seattle this very weekend. They are getting their own place together. They are adorable and I wish them all of the very, very best.

And for all of you dear readers, I wish you the very, very best as well. I am so grateful for you reading my thoughts and emotions every week and truly appreciate every positive comment I’ve gotten. You guys rule. And I  DEARLY HOPE that you will join me in January when JUAN PABLO WILL BE THE BACHELOR! AHHHHHH! JUAN FREAKING PABLO! SEE YOU THEN, GUYS! Of course you can keep up with me over on Twitter @chasspod and check back with the Polar Bear for other fun stuff. KISSES.

The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is the day we have been waiting for for months. It's here; the second half of the Bachelorette two part finale!!! Desiree has a lot on her plate tonight after the shattering of her heart last week when Brooks pulled out early. We have sweet weirdo and terrible bard Chris and handsome yet somewhat bland but equally sweet Drew. Will she chose one or neither or both or just fling herself into the waters or Antigua???

As per the tradition started at the finale of Sean's season of the Bachelor, I present to you my carefully curated rules to Desiree's Bachelorette Drinking Game. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can’t wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you’re underage, eat an m&m):

The word “journey" is used

The word “connection" is used

Someone refers to “the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says “picture the rest of my life", “spend the rest of my life", “could envision the rest of my life" or any other “rest of my life" phrases

Desiree does a voice over while she walks around somewhere

Desiree does a voice over while she stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Desiree dabs her under-eyes with her fingertips as she cries

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise", “fairytale", or “something out of a dream"

One of the guys balls up his fists in frustration

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Desiree

-If Brooks shocks us all out of our skins and RETURNS

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

The Bachelorette - Finale Part 1 Recap

This is it you guys. This is part one of the EPIC two part finale for our girl Desiree as the Bachelorette. Will she find love? Will she be left alone? What the heck happens to make everyone cry? Why does Des just want to go home?! Will the guys be dorks in Antigua? Answers to all this (and more!) in the coming HOURS of TV. I've got my orange vodka lemonade at the ready, so here. we. go.

The tropical paradise of Antigua will play host to the remaining three guys this week. The producers kick off with the requisite relationship recap for all three guys. There is nothing exceptional to note except that Desiree is very open about how her feelings for Brooks are above and beyond what she feels for the other two men. “He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me for me to know. It’s unspoken,” Desiree confides, and this makes me worry, worry, worry.

Drew has his date first, so let’s get that out of the way. Everyone keeps saying it “an-TEE-gah”, and I’m pretty sure it’s “an-TEE-gwa” so that will irritate me all episode. (hey guys I looked it up afterwards and they’re both correct but ending in –gah is technically more correct. The more you know!) They explore the island together and do adorable things. Desiree can’t help but enjoy how handsome Drew is in the face and the body. The emotional connection doesn’t seem to be the strongest but surely the physical side of things is strong. Heyo pulling off on the side of the road for kissy kissy!

There’s a festival with local people and music and arts and crafts. The couple has a lot of fun doing the limbo, so they could have a lot of fun doing absolutely anything, probably. The limbo is the living worst. From a hilltop at sunset they have a tropical fruit picnic and talk about how nice it was to meet his family. “I would get on a knee today and ask her to marry me,” says Drew. I’m sure you are Drew, but you are the underdog in this race for sure.

Now it’s night time and it’s raining on the beach and the two lovers cannot stop kissing despite the precipitation. Des is wearing some breezy patterned palazzo pants. Dinner on the beach gets rained out which leads them straight to the fantasy suite. Drew is so cute. He is adorable and handsome all at the same time. He is thrilled to death about waking up in the morning next to Desiree. There are also some terrifying nature night sounds happening around them that sound like a whistling hellscape. Are they bugs? Are they birds? Frogs? Demons? What?

When Desiree talks about how important being assertive and being a good communicator is to her, Drew tells her that he would be ready to get down on one knee tomorrow, any time. He loves her and is determined about it. They kiss sitting across from each other on the bed until Drew tells them it’s time to go.

Cut to Brooks in Boise, Idaho deeply contemplating what the implications of an overnight date with Desiree could mean. Brooks says that he does feel like he could love her, but is not in a stage where he can really say it. That’s why he’s in Boise: to get some guidance from his family on the week ahead.

“The idea of me proposing to her at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable,” Brooks tells his mom and sister among other misgivings about his feelings for Des. Mom and sis give some good advice about what he should feel and know about this woman before taking the big step of proposal. Brooks is still so conflicted though because he feels that Desiree is such an incredible woman but still doesn’t know what to do. I wish that Brooks didn’t have the pressure of a MANDATORY proposal weighing him down and could take the relationship more slowly like a normal human person.

“A hard conversation now, is a lot better than a horrible one later,” he states. While being so conflicted, he decides to follow through and see Desiree on the date to see where the feelings go. The reservations and worry is written plain across his sweet face. His mom and sister support whatever decision he makes, even if it’s the hard one (guys. I think it’s gonna be the hard one). And he’s off to Antigua!

Obviously saving all the drama for last, Chris has his date next. He’s such a sweet lil peach. Desiree is wearing yet another pair of breezy palazzo pants. That’s too many pairs of palazzo pants, Des. And this awful crocheted vest over bikini top that’s happening? Who did this to you? Why do they hate you? Please stop the hatred and palazzo pants.

OH MY GOSH YAY YOU GUYS THERE’S A HELICOPTER RIDE! SOMETHING WE’VE BEEN SORELY LACKING THIS SEASON! Chris is more excited than he’s EVER been to be in a chopper with his lady Des. This guy has extreme amounts of childlike wonder, and I ain’t mad about it.

The chopper takes them to a private beach on Barbuda to have a picnic. Then they make out on the beach as the waves splash around them. Des likes Chris a lot and feels very strongly for him on a few levels. “Chris would make a perfect husband,” she says. She doesn’t say a perfect husband for her yet, but it could work out. I just like them a lot as a couple, and if Brooks is going to bow out like it appears he might, I would want her to go with Chris. Much as I love looking at Drew, I see more of a multidimensional person in Chris. Same goes for their two relationships. Though, no one wants to feel like second banana to Brooks so what’s going to happen here?

UH. COOL TANGERINE LINEN SHIRT CHRIS. He looks like a papaya. The terrifying whistle demons are back in the ambience. I’m ill at ease, but these two don’t seem fazed. With future talk, Chris says that he would want Desiree to move to Seattle with him and his career. “I could do what I love to do, anywhere” concludes Desiree after saying that she does really like California. It’s a good talk with possibly real implications. He’s “jacked” about it. It’s nice that Chris says what he would really want and not just the usual “I’D MOVE MOUNTAINS TO BE WITH YOU. TEMPE, ARIZONA SOUNDS VERY NICE.”

These two are total dorks together. Desiree pulls out the fantasy suite card, and Chris nobly jumps at the opportunity “to spend more time with her” and “watch the stars”. HA. HA. IS THAT WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT NOW, BRAH?

They have been in the fantasy suite for one hot second before Chris busts out yet another poem.

It’s excited to see how far this journey has taken us

From places I never knew existed to places I’ve longed to see

All experiences you and I have shared together

And now here we are one week after you met my family

One week from the possibility of forever

And I’m not nervous. I’m excited.

It’s hard to deny the connection that we’ve made:

The chemistry, real compatibility, permanent friendship

Piecing together this journey with new memories

Open to what is to come for us in the future

And excited to spend our lives together forever.

“Oooh I love it!” she coos.  Do you love it Des? I bet you do. I shouldn’t question the fact that you love that saccharine swill. But fine. I suppose I’ll let you have that. At least this one doesn't rhyme. They have the rest of the night together under the stars. How sweet.

The moment of truth has arrived, however. Brooks’ “date” is up right now. As Desiree voices over how excited she is for her date with Brooks, Chrarrison arrives at his suite to have a chat. After doing the same hemming and hawing he did with his family Chrarrison lays it down: do you love her or are you done?

After a long, long silence Brooks says, “If I don’t feel it at this point, I’m not going to feel it with more time.” Oh no. This is just terrible. Chrarrison talks to him more about whether he’s just not ready to commit to marriage or if he’s just not in love with Des which is a nice touch of reality like ‘hey maybe this show is ridiculous and in real life it’d be different?”. But it turns out he’s just not in love with Des. Brooks starts to get emotional and teary talking about how much he knows this will hurt Des. Uh yeah. She loves you bro and has been saying so for weeks so “hurt” is a word I would use.

“Clearly, I know you don’t want to hurt her, but as a man it’s the conversation you need to have,” is how Chrarrison cuts him to the chase. He’s still stewing and floundering, but Chrarrs knows you just have to rip that band aid.

Desiree! Girl! I feel so bad for you, yo. You got dumped by not one but two guys on the show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the dumping. And the second guy was one you were in love with! But when it comes down to it, you can’t make them love you. So here. Please enjoy three different versions of one of the great songs of our time.

“I can’t make you love me” by the Queen Bonnie Raitt, this soulful cover by Tank (Shout Out to all my fellow Call Chelsea Peretti fans), and a haunting one by Bon Iver. You need these. Let them soothe you like I know they soothe me (I Can't help but suggest you, reader, select one to soundtrack the remainder of this post.)

“It’s just gonna be stress free, no worries,” Des says of the date planned for today. Ugh. Oh GIRL. THE DRAMATIC IRONY IS HURTING MY SOUL.

Well Brooks is gonna have to get this over with right away because he’s the worst ever at putting on a brave face. He starts crying immediately upon seeing her. And you can almost hear the needle scratch in her heart. She knows something is very wrong.

“Talk. To me.” She demands while he just babbles on about nothing and keeps sighing. Command the respect you deserve! The tears are already forming in her eyes as she realizes what’s happening. A woman always knows. We just always know.

“I feel like you’re a much better person than I am…and I love that about you, I really do.” He just keeps talking and isn’t laying the cards on the table. I want to scream at him to just SPIT IT OUT. Now they’re both crying.

“How do you really feel?” she asks.

“Um. You know I really want to be madly in love with you, you know?” is all he says. Ugh. You suck at this bro. Take a lesson in breakups. Don’t talk to Sean though. He was a complete disaster too.

She cries. He cries. They cry while hugging. As they keep talking she just literally curls into a ball and cries “why?” and it’s very raw and I don’t like watching it. She doesn’t even want him to touch her. I HATE this. “I don’t even know what to say. I love you. I do,” she sobs which makes him so sad and mad because he didn’t know and they are both messes. I feel less bad for him though!

Silence. Tears. “For once in my life I felt hopeful. I’ve never felt completely loved by any one, and this sucks. It sucks. It sucks that I loved you. I love you regardless. I do. I can say it. I don’t care that you just broke my heart. I love you,” Desiree says. This is a strong woman. Say what you will about her not being the most “dynamic” Bachelorette ever but this is a strong ass woman. After forbidding him to continue talking she just cries into his chest for a while.

“I’m just surprised at the love that she has for me. Just surprised.” REALLY BUDDY? THAT SEEMS SLIGHTLY ACCURATE. His eyes are puffy and red and he is a snotty, teary mess talking to camera.

Lizard. Bird. Two people crying as they break up. Powerful storytelling here, ABC.

“So now what are you gonna do?” Brooks asks as they walk away from the dock of doom and misery. “Like I was worried you’d feel conflicted.”

“Conflicted? You wanna know why I was conflicted? Because I wanted to give my heart to you! I didn’t want to share it!” uaskdjflaksjdlfkjworaosfalskjdfj ajaskljasdofu THAT IS RAW. But maybe she was holding back with the other guys and with Brooks out of the picture she’ll really be able to fall for one of them? I don’t know! This mop haired Mormon is ruining it for everybody!

“Sorry. I’ll shut up. I’m not helping here,” he whispers. Yes. Now would be a good time to STOP. TALKING.

“No. Not at all,” she croaks out, “I guess you have to go.” As they hug goodbye they isolate the sound so all we can hear is their two heart beats and that is SAD POETRY. TAKE NOTE, CHRIS. THAT IS FOR REAL SAD POETRY.

He tries to hug her good-bye and she doesn’t hug back. Then she does. And he doesn’t. Then he turns to leave and she hauls ass out of the little palm grove. No thanks producers, not right now. Byeeee. Let’s let her drown in her tears for a second. Brooks weeps a little too. Little chokey sobs. At least he feels the full weight of what he’s doing. Now they are both weeping separately, and it’s very, very sad. As much as we poke fun at this dog and pony show, I take no pleasure in watching two people full on weep on camera.

“That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be,” he sobs out. Good. At least doing that hurt like a bitch because she’s feeling a thousand times worse so at least you feel some of the pain you caused. Is he to blame for just not being in love with someone? No. But he’s still the dumper. And it is almost impossible to feel worse for the dumper than for the dumpee in a case of unrequited love.

“I just feel so bad that I have two amazing guys who love me, and I can’t love them as much as I know I have to give. And that’s not what they deserve. Honestly for me, it’s over,” she weeps to us.

  And that’s all she wrote. Weeping is how we conclude this week’s half of the finale. Next week we’ll see the epic conclusion and a possible “After the Final Rose” episode. Now, I’ll gently remind you all that in the previews we have her infamously saying “I always knew I was deserving of love, but I never knew I could feel so loved” and more recently they showed her and Chris playing with a stingray. So at least we can rest easy knowing that the show isn’t completely over yet. But still, I cannot wait.

I know it’s going to be hard to survive, but until then, check me out on twitter @chasspod, and I’ll post a special Desiree specific set of the Bachelorette Finale Drinking Game rules for you all to follow along with at home. Peace, love, and happy journeys until then!

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap "The Men Tell All"

Oh, God. I’m going to start by postulating that I am far too sober to endure this. The Men Tell All is typically a little less exciting, less titillating and a little drier and more self-righteous, BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY: Juan Pablo will be back. Hope does indeed spring eternal, as they say. And we did have quite our fair share of drama this season, so full of hope I am.

Ok chiquitos, let’s dive in.

Chris Harrison jogs out onto his dais of hosting to give us a lil preview of the fun to come. But first we shall show a video package of Chris and Des crashing some Bachelorette viewing parties. Lots of people drinking wine and screaming is all that happens. Holla to that real cute dog in one house!

Oh hold up! They cut right to my nougat core when Ashley and JP trot out to assist in party crashing! I do love them! Then the Mesnick’s come and whatever. And TRISTAAA! The Orignial Bachelorette and one of the very only success stories the show has ever had.

To desperately fill the two hour time slot, we sit down with Ashley, Emily, and Ali of Bachelorette fame to discuss “Bad Boys” (?????). This season certainly had more jerkwads than usual: Brian, Ben, and James were all dirt bags. I do like those girls though; they basically just tell Des to speak her mind and put any guy trying to pull shenanigans in his place.

At minute 20 of this carnival, we finally introduce all the guys present and accounted for. James gets booed. Ben gets booed. Juan Pablo is greeting by uproarious cheers AS IS HIS RIGHT. Zak W. looks like he got a brand new varnish and is now the shade of your dad’s favorite pair of loafers.

You guys I cannot handle my shit with Juan Pablo. I cannot. I know that all you other ladies feel the same because they talk to him WAY MORE than they did on the show because they had no idea what a good thing they had going. Juan Pablo, mi amor, yo puedo darte todo el amor y pasión que necesitas en la vida y a tu hija querida, seré mamá. Por favor, elige yo por su media naranja. BESOS (shout out to my bilingual homies who don’t need no Google translate).

In the package that recaps the show up to this point Kasey says, re: Desiree, “She’s a very wholesome, very pure girl which makes her all the more attractive.” I will not even get started on how horrible and backwards this fucking sentence is but it makes me mad enough to drop the first ever f-bomb in these recaps. THIS AIN’T YO MAMA’S RECAP WHERE THE FEMALE DOUBLE STANDARD OF PURITY VS. SHAMEFUL SLUT IS CONCERNED.

Kasey says “wholesome and pure” a couple more times. I violently vomit. Kasey might be more of a villain to me than Ben in terms of being annoying and backwards thinking and so self-righteous oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Diving right into the Brian with a secret girlfriend situation Chris says, “We invited Brian to be here to own up to what he had done. He chose not to. So we’re gonna chose to talk about him.” Oh Chris, so droll. Everyone agrees he was an asshole with questionable motives. The end.

I’m pulling my hair like a crazed, sycophantic girl experiencing Beatlemania as Juan Pablo talks about how weird it is that Ben saw it as a competition because he just knew that in the end it was Desiree who was calling all the shots about who she wanted to be with. He could win the Lone Ranger competition, but that doesn’t mean he wins her heart. JuanPablomania.

Ben’s time in the hot seat is up. Ugh. This bowl of oatmeal again. They show a lot of footage of him in the Tank Top of Doom: The Tank Top’s Revenge. I had forgotten what a psychopath he came off as in the limo as he left the show.

Mikey shares a nice sentiment that you should be the same man around your friends as you are around your girlfriend when Ben says one is always a different guy around a girl. Juan Pablo thinks he’s crazy; Brandon the guy who said “I love you” way too soon thinks he’s a politician; Dan Oatmeal has a big opinion because he says that Ben’s son’s mother approached Dan in Vegas. Lots of accusations being slung around the room about Ben possibly cheating on a girlfriend with his son’s mom. How’s that for complicated?

Then Chris decides to bring the other two dads into the conversation. Zak immediately brings up Juan Pablo and you guys, dare I speak it ere it come true, but they seem to be painting a pretty rosy picture of JP and they MIGHT just be setting him up to be the next Bachelor. MAYBE.

Regardless, Zak says you can tell how much JP loves his daughter because he thought of almost nothing else, in a loving way. Ben as a father on the other hand…everyone on Twitter and the Internet in general was right that the moment a guy toted his kid out on the first night, he painted himself as a royal asshole. T-Swift knows what I’m sayin.

James is up in the hot seat now. He repulses me in every way. Even if his personality was sparkling and not made of slime, I would still be repulsed by his beef-neck, juice head, beady little eyes and pointy nose. After trying and failing to justify the things that he said about being the next bachelor and what would happen when they aren’t on the show, he just comes off worse and worse. The reaction faces of the women in the audience are perfect “Hell no!”, “I’m sorry, what?” and “You are totally whack bro” faces.

Now we bring Mikey in to level about that infamous conversation that happened in Germany. How surprised are you that Kasey butts in and things escalate quickly? Not surprised at all? You are very smart. It’s the same fight that’s happened over and over. I honestly dislike Kasey more than Mikey at this point.

And you James? No. Just no. You better watch yourself around the mean streets of Chicago because so help me if I see you I will internally scream and then fumble for my phone to snag a shaky pic of you and send it to all my friends and focus so much negative energy your way. So, YEAH. Look out.

IT’S TIME FOR NON-STOP JUAN PABLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I get that long awaited moving shot of Juan Pablo in a swimsuit and then they show him dancing and all this long lost footage of him talking to his daughter and talking about his daughter and talking about having more kids. I just. You guys. Juan Pablo is my everything.

The questions Chrarrison asks JP are inconsequential because the answer always comes around to his daughter Camila. It’s all about her. I like that he’s a very devoted dad, but I have to wonder if there’s anything more to him. Is he just living off his professional soccer player money? What does he do during the week when he’s not with Camila? Would he ever consider marrying me? How often does he go back to Venezuela to see his family? What are his likes? His dislikes? How can I use those to my advantage to win his heart? These are the questions I’m asking myself while ogling his majestic face.

Sadly our time with Juan Pablo has come to an end and now we must talk to our antique leather football helmet Zak. He actually had more of a connection with Des than I gave him credit for, despite being a self-described buffoon. He clearly felt a lot for her because he bought her a promise ring, told her he loved her, then was very sad when he got dumped.

Zak has a surprisingly good sense of humor about himself. He admits that he is a bold guy who comes on “a little strong”. He admits that he’s very enthusiastic and that he’s sad about how hard it is to meet people. Oh, Zak, just when I think I could make fun of you forever you go and make me feel sad for you.

Surprise poetry corner! Remember that journal he gave Desiree in the beginning? Well he wrote a poem in invisible ink in the last few pages and we shall read it for you now.

Love is it

The only reason to open your home to a stranger

The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom

No risk is too great

No apprehension justifiable

All hope is rooted in it

Because love is our only hope for happiness

And I am happy to say – this is love

Now, it may not be Byron. It may not be Keats. But that is far and away more of a real poem than that watery thin gruel of “poetry” that Chris spoon feeds Desiree every week. Zak admits he is still in love with Des. Hoo buoy.

And just like that Desiree arrives in a gold spangley dress Tina Turner would surely envy. They recap what I’ve already recapped about the drama from Jonathan the fantasy suite guy, to Brian the adulterer, to Ben the butthead. Desiree asserts that she felt Ben was insincere and can feel him trying to put forth a persona that people will like. She also confronts James for being manipulative and combative.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Zak W wrote her a song and there is a guitar sitting next to him. Oh and he’s picking it up! Desiree actually gasps, “oh, no!” as he approaches her on the dais to perform his broken heart song. Oh let me die. Let me die before I have to see and hear this. Oh NO. Zak NOOOO.

Zak has a lovely country singing voice. Sincerely. It’s not my kind of song and he has a heavy twang, but this is a song he could sell to any current country artist. There are women actually crying in the audience. Stop crying. Desiree gives him a hug to say thank you.

Then Chrarrison announces with the most excitement he can muster, “Everybody’s favorite part of this show: bloopers.” I laugh out loud for real at some of the goings on. Click here to view it and enjoy the more candid moments of the show

The preview for the “Bachelorette shocking two part finale” is up next. Weird things are afoot. Extenuating circumstances methinks are the cause of all the strife happening and not one guy necessarily being an ass. Chrarrison knows that he has said the words “the most emotionally wrought finale ever” but this time he means it. There are tears happening all over the place. What is going on?! What will happen?!

I can’t wait. Thanks for checking in and I’ll see you all next Wednesday for the recap of the first part of the finale. Until then, check me out at @chasspod. Journey on, journeyers!

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

It's hometowns, y'all! In what always promises to be, and frequently delivers, a very full episode of shenanigans, drama and love. Des is also defying all laws of logic and reason and bringing back her brother to talk about the guys.

Before we get to that circus, let's start with a real freak show: Zak and his family in Dallas, Texas. Des seems to be as shocked as we are about Zak making it far enough to meet his family. He warns us that if we think he's crazy (we do), his family is really crazy (oh God). Zak and Des have the first part of their day in a pretty park. He really won't let the sketching/art thing go, so he's once again toting a sketch book to show he’s artsy and likes things she likes?

Not caring about other people’s dreams has been the butt of everyone’s jokes lately, but Zak is blissfully unaware as he tells Des a really long, weird, and involved dream he had about her the night before. You can see the confusion written on her pretty little face. Then Zak leaves her by a gazebo and returns in…a sno-cone truck? That is a part of his life? Am I missing something? Is the fluid for which he is a drilling engineer high fructose corn syrup? It’s the “family sno-cone business”, so I guess that’s a thing.

The sno-cone truck whisks them away to an elementary school where they are schilling out sno-cones to screaming children. The mob pounds their sticky little hands on the truck and hug Zak as he runs out in a giant penguin suit. The two basically treat this as a test for how the other would be as a parent because neither is running away screaming from the throngs of children. I hate this. Come on, bro. This joi de vivre can only go so far and ONE SKETCHBOOK does not a serious person make.

“This is where I get my lunacy from, and I just hope they don’t scare Desiree off,” Zak confides to camera. As soon as they walk in the house, the family explodes to say hello. His family is completely flabbergasted as Zak tells them about his limo entrance. They also have a kind of forced joy that is exhausting. If you told me any of them had sincerely been circus performers at one point in life, I would believe you.

Desiree has the talks with the family and one by one wins them over. Mom Maryann is convinced they’re meant to be. Sister is guarded though because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. Oh sister, prepare yourself for the worst. Zak and his mom talk about how long he’s been waiting for a worthwhile love, and the whole time I’m just cringing because I am 99% sure, sparing any real fights or showdowns, that Zak is not getting a rose tonight.

Oh good now the real horror show is beginning because Zak and his brother and sister will now sing the song Zak wrote in Atlantic City only now “the words have been changed to reflect how my family feels about you.” Three part harmony, two parts the sister is treating this like an audition, one part his brother actually seems pretty chill and has a great voice. Oh my god let me die: “Oh Desiree, now we can see/ Your place among our family!”

The time has officially come for Zak to finally tell Desiree that he is in love with her. He takes out a box that he’s been carrying around since he bought it in Atlantic City, warns her not to freak out, and shows her this cheap little chachki ring. It symbolizes his love and commitment for her. She maintains a calm face as they kiss.

Oh poor Zak. Poor, poor Zak. He tells us, “Needless to say, five years down the road, Des and I will still be together and we’ll look back on today as the perfect day.” Oh no, oh sweetie. He says more and more stuff of that ilk and I’m more and more sad for his impending broken heart.

Now we’re headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew’s family. The first thing Drew and Des do is hug and kiss a bunch which again is a kiss of death for Zak since he and Des barely kissed. Let’s leave Zak out of this though. Drew is too cute.

We’ll be meeting Drew’s dad Mal, his mom Linda and his step-dad Bob, brother Mal, sister Angela, sister Meghan and her husband and their two kids. That’s…a lot. Drew also tells Desiree that this is the first time his Dad is going to his mom’s house. Yikes.

We also have to go pick up his sister Melissa, the one with a dependent mental handicap. She lives in a house with two other girls in a similar situation and a few full-time care takers. That is amazing. I really appreciate that up until this point, we hadn’t heard much about Melissa from Drew. He wasn’t exploiting her as a way to get screen time/close to Des. I mean she’s here now, but that seems like more a genuine “I want you to meet everyone in my family and she’s an important part of that” thing. The smile on Drew’s face as he greets his sister and looks at her is blinding. Ugh. So adorable.

Eleven. Eleven is the total number of people at this family gathering. I guess they are all important, but still, talk about overwhelming. They put over four bottles of wine on the table though, so I like this family already.

Drew’s mom is protective of her baby of the family, but the way Drew talks about her to his mom convinces her (and me SHEESH). Then Drew’s Dad tells Desiree that angels are real because Melissa is a real life angel and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. He is so cute. His mom is teary eyed at his conviction when he says “I could get down on one knee for her.” His dad is very sincere, a little intense, but sweet. He gives Drew his blessing by saying, “If you want to marry this girl, I’ll throw you a party.”

This was the picture of what a great hometown date should be. “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay,” says Desiree. Now Drew just has to tell her that he loves her after telling his whole family. He doesn’t but any ribbons or bows on it, he just says it, says, “I love you. I just do.” AHGGGHALKDFJALSJDFOAWERAWOEDFALSJDLKFAJSDFJ NOW IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE I FEEL THINGS

Ok. Composure regained, let us journey onward to McMinnville, Oregon for Chris’s hometown. I just love that Chris is from Oregon. He’s pretty freaking cute all excited to introduce his family.

Apparently Chris played professional baseball? I thought maybe it was just a college thing. And now I can’t remember for the life of me what it says as his occupation in his little bio thing that flashes across the screen. Huh. Anyways, they’re going to play a little baseball at the park where he first played little league. ADORABLE.

I mean, again, making me feel feelings. The date they have just playing baseball in a park is the best date on the season this far – no helicopters, no private concert, no hot tugs, just two people being cute, having fun.

Desiree brought some drawings of their relationship instead of poetry corner. The drawings are less diarrhea-inducing embarrassing, so it’s nice. She is actually pretty nervous to meet his family because she wants them to like her so much. Chris reassures her that she has nothing to worry about.

His house is very rustic, almost a log cabin, very Oregon and woodsy. Chris has a younger sister, an older sister and an older brother. Dad is very quiet and weird; he’s a chiropractor in Oregon, so you can imagine. Dad decides to realign Desiree’s spine, and she’s very uncomfortable with all the shop-talk and not talking about Chris. Also all the touching. Lots of touching.

So now Chris has come downstairs to his father’s office to talk about Des while getting his head realigned via his nostrils. There’s some balloon-like, phallic shaped thing his dad is sticking up his nose while they both calmly discuss how much Chris is in love with Desiree. AMAZING STUFF. This bizarre turn makes me like Chris way more that his family is nuts.

His mother is so soft spoken and just lovely. She’s very protective and worried about her son’s happiness. Apparently none of Chris’ family liked his last girlfriend, and now he’s worried about them liking Des. The producers are playing creepy spiritual “new-age” music over the conversation with Des and his mom.

Chris was nervous about how long his mom and her talked, but no worries guys, she gives him her blessing. They both like how independent, strong, and confident she is. Mom tears up giving a toast. I love this family, and I really love their house. I can’t stop imagining it in the fall. I would like to be part of that family, Des should too.

The final stop on our tour is Salt Lake City, Utah for the hometown date with surprise Mormon Brooks! Desiree is head over heels for Brooks and very open about it. Brooks, however, is less sure and is trying to figure it out here with his family. He tells her though that he’s having a hard time with the “process” of not seeing her for long periods of time and her dating other guys.

She has a whole list of things that she loves about their relationship thus far. It’s sappy but sweet and he adds some moments of his own. It was good for him to hear those things and for him to hear that she feels so strongly about him. As the date goes on, he becomes more and more comfortable and happier and happier with her. They go canoeing in a lake and it’s very romantic until he tries to kiss her and tips the canoe a little bit. “We took on water!” Brooks yells to the producers in the other canoe. Oh, Brooks, so droll.

Brooks has a huge Mormon family that jumps up and gives her a group hug when Desiree walks in. There are so many of them that they made nametags for siblings and significant others. Des knows how important it is to reassure Brooks here with his family so he can feel comfortable letting his feelings bloom.

A couple key family members pull Brooks aside as Des talks with his mom about their love and feelings. His gorgeous sister gives some very sound advice. This whole family is just beautiful. Like, the cardigan he’s wearing is this gorgeous knit, textured shawl collared thing, and I’m obsessed with it. He’s putting a lot of stake in the approval of his mom. But don’t worry, Mom approves in a diplomatic sort of way.

“Tonight was a big night. I feel closer to seeing Desiree and I in the union of marriage than ever before,” beams Brooks. I’m worried though because Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t said “I love you” to Desiree yet, and he’s the only guy that she has said that she’s in love with. Oh, it is much ado!

The only thing left in this episode is to deal with Desiree’s nightmare of an ex-con brother Nate. Desiree is using this meeting as an opportunity to gauge how her brother might react if she allows him to meet the final two guys. We find out right away that they haven’t seen each other since her hometown date, and that she didn’t speak to him for a few months after. She glares at him and he just laughs. It is a tense sibling relationship.

He’s so combative about everything Desiree says to him. She tells Nate about each guy and why she likes him. He patiently listens and tells her he’d love to meet them. She basically says “no way” to him meeting these guys. If the previews have anything to say about it, this won’t be the last we see of him tonight.

Rather than a fireside chat at the mansion, we sit down with Chrarrison at the Beverly Hilton to discuss love and the families. Desiree talks about how she can feel the love from Brooks even though he hasn’t said the words to her. She talks about how Chris had a bit of a rough hometown date. She talks about how hard it’s going to be to say good-bye to someone because she knows that no one sees a good-bye coming.

As she voices over her decision making process, we see each man enter the hotel in his snazzy best. And just as Des says that there’s nothing standing in her way to finding happiness with one man for the rest of her life, we see little Nate peeking out from behind a corner. That it though. Nothing else. What a let down.

The rose ceremony is on the rooftop of the hotel in a lovely setting with the traditional Bachelorette blue and purple lighting. Desiree cries as she tells the guys how hard it will be to say good-bye after meeting everyone’s lovely family.

Surprise, surprise Brooks is the first name called. Then it’s my dawg Chris. Leaving Drew and Zak. I think we can all make an educated guess as to whose name she’ll call. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it’s Drew. Duh.

I still feel bad for Zak though. It’s always hard to leave right after introducing someone to your family. His crazy eyes are at their craziest. Desiree cries as she wishes him the very best in the world, and he is the quietest he’s ever been. She gives back that heinous promise ring. Oh this is grim. You’re ok, boo boo. Everyone’s got love coming their way; yours just isn’t Desiree. He goes so far as to throw the ring out of the limo.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Next week is the Men Tell All special where there would normally just be the final three dates. There was a good share of drama this season, so I’m looking forward to it. I have to wonder though, with the previews they’ve shown us, is there an underlying reason to bumping up the date of the Men Tell All? Could something be awry? Time will tell. Until next Wednesday, catch up with me @chasspod. See you then, journeyers.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We're joining our Lady Desiree on the exotic isle of Madeira, the largest island in an archipelago belonging to Portugal and off the coast of Morroco. And they say you can't learn from watching this show!

Tensions are high even after last week’s relieving loss of James, as hometowns are close on the horizon. But in the meantime, everyone is amped up about being in Madeira given that not one of them has ever heard of it before.

The way Desiree says “potential” is really irritating. She hyper-pronounces the first syllable so it’s “PO-ten-tchall” rather than “puh-TEN-shall”. It’s really important that she sees a POtential future with any guy she keeps around.

OH MY GOSH! DESIREE HAS COMPLIED WITH THE PRODUCERS’ WISH TO BRING BACK FORMER CONTESTANTS FOR ADVICE AND FULFILLED MY DREAMS. I love when they do this. It is always a welcome breath of fresh air.

We see Catherine, Lesley, and Jackie (huh? I mean ok?) lounging about by the pool. First everyone awkwardly makes fart faces as Catherine tells them how she and their collective ex-boyfriend are doing in their relationship.

Lesley brings her assertive opinions that we love her for. Everyone gives general advice about finding someone sincere and fun, but then it gets great because Catherine has binoculars. They all share the binoculars to ogle the remaining guys. The guys are basically prancing around and preening in the pool for this exact moment.

Catherine then asks a series of questions like best eyes, best smile, most athletic, and then biggest dick. Desiree looks scandalized but Catherine just giggles away. Guys Catherine is the best; can she just stick around and bring some fun to this otherwise kind of boring season?

The girls disperse as we leave in a smart car for Brooks’ first one-on-one date since the first episode. Madeira is incredibly beautiful, and the date mostly consists of them driving around, seeing the sights, and being pretty cute. They have a picnic on top of a mountain inside of a cloud. Brooks is very sincere and so accessibly handsome. He doesn’t make me uncomfortable with his good looks, but is still a good looking guy.

The way the clouds are moving is all very romantic and otherworldly. Soaring music cuts in over a montage of them kissing and holding each other and telling the camera how much the journey means to them.

On the ramparts of an old part of the city, Des and Brooks have a candlelit dinner. He is wearing this giant, chunky striped cardigan. I love it. He’s got a good sense of style where he brings his own spin to things. Brooks tells Desiree all about his family and how important it is when a girl meets his family blah blah blah. He cries about his dad blah blah. His brothers and sisters are supportive blah.

But uh-oh. Brooks admits that his emotions might be a little farther behind where Desiree’s are. He’s unsure whether or not he’s serious enough about her to really introduce her to his family. But then fireworks start and he’s like “yeah I’d love to bring you home to them.” So, that’s interesting.

We need to make an additional rule for the Bachelor/ette Drinking Game about whenever there is a private fireworks show.

Chris is getting the other one-on-one date. I think we all know what that means: POETRY CORNER! Chris is super nervous about his date because he wants to tell her that he loves her. “I want to take her home very badly,” is a thing Chris says and also something a murderer would say.

This guy is such a goober. He fist pumps and says “drinking vino” and squeals like a lady when Des tells him they’re heading out to the open sea on a yacht. They sensually apply sun block as Chris tells us about their deep physical attraction.

In the middle of a meadow filled with wildflowers with cliffs to their backs and sea to the front, the couple shares a picnic. I feel like every conversation they have is the same, just in different beautiful settings. I mean obviously they like each other but it’s always “what do you imagine family to be?” and “being open and fun is really important to me” or some version of that.

Y’all. You all. Chris brought a bottle and some paper so that the two of them can WRITE A POEM TOGETHER AND PUT IT IN A BOTTLE AND THROW IT OUT TO SEA. They are writing “poetry” together. It is so much worse than I could have hoped for. After finishing it and remarking “not too bad” (I WOULD BEG TO DIFFER), they share a kiss and throw the bottle out to sea.

Random shot of a stray cat! Then dinner in a winery. Chris is geeking out to tell Des that he’s in love with her. I’m nervous for him but sad that it won’t come in the form of an ABAB rhyme-scheme poem. Chris and Des talk about how many kids they want and how family size is important. This obviously leads them to talk about what it will be like for Des to meet his family and how many of Desiree’s boyfriends her family has met. She says they only met her high school boyfriend and neglects to mention that one FATEFUL EVENING THEY ALL MET SEAN WHO YEAH WE SHOULD CLASSIFY AS A BOYFRIEND BECAUSE THE “L” WORD WAS USED. Interesting.

Chris is very awkward and sweating and twitchy he’s so nervous to tell her. My roommate accurately points out that at least his nerves show that his feelings for Des are real.

OH JUST KIDDING GUYS, HE DID WRITE A POEM. HE IS A TOUCHED LITTLE PSYCHO WHO BRINGS ME GREAT JOY:

INDIVIDUALLY DEFINED – is just the NAME of this poem. Oh man. OH man.

The strongest words with so much meaning

Hard to say without a stammer

But when expressed with true feeling

Sincere for no other word can mean so much more

LIKE - the time we have, atop the hotel 17 above

Feelings had changed and were, oh, so real

Meant to be is how I feel.

Our hearts are open

Words expressed by you

Feelings that I know are so true

I look forward to the unknown

Appreciate youre emotion you have shown

And I am also hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home

Expressed in writing and felt through touch

Enjoy this moment and embrace this rush

The strongest words with so much meaning

Not so hard to believe it’s true

Our hearts are open

And in every kiss I truly mean

That I love you.

Desiree, of course, eats it right up. She tears up and kisses his big dumb cute face. You can see how happy she is when she hears those three little words. Romance ensues as they walk arm in arm through a moonlight park and kiss and kiss. I can see these two going far.

“At this point, it’s not about ‘Am I going home this week or next week?’ it’s about when do we get to start the rest of our lives together? When do we get to start that?” Chris you melt my heart of stone every time! Stop it!!!!

Ugh. Michael has his one-on-one date. I would just rather not watch him do anything. At this point, not only is his sexual orientation dubious, but he’s just not at all my kind of guy. He’s a little aggressive and just dorky. He picks out a necklace that color coordinates with her outfit. HE’S GAY. AND NOT EVEN COMPATIBLE WITH DESIREE. What is going on? The date has them going around town and eating by a park and going on a concrete toboggan.

“When I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions,” he says. A flood of emotions about how you like boys and not girls, Michael? I don’t know. Michael wants to tell Desiree that he’s falling in love with her. I have to object. He is a just a little butthole who also had a rough childhood blah blah blah. He has diabetes blah blah. He has a deadbeat dad blah. The date is sort of fine. I do not see Michael going farther than this.

Ok the heart of the matter is here: the two-on-one starring Drew and Zak. No one is being sent home on the date today, but one guy will get a rose to rest easy the rest of the week. I’m pretty much in awe that Crazy Eyes is this far into the game.

“I’m totally in love with this woman, and I’ve known her for weeks,” says Zak. Is he saying that like he knows how completely psycho that sounds? Or is he saying that like it’s a normal, fine thing?

As the ultimate in romance, they will be doing intense go-kart racing. How exotic and unique to the island of Madeira. Des has the two boys race one another to win a special prize. Drew gives his entire interview about this with a giant helmet covering 90% of his face. Zak, once again, makes the analogy of go-kart racing to the journey of love. Way to go Zak. Two for two.

Zak wins. We don’t know what the prize is yet. In the mean time, the group settles into a ratchet little picnic on two dinky blankets in the grass of the track surrounded by crash tires. The rose is even displayed on a tiny go-kart tire! What the hell producers?! We really dropped the ball on this one, didn’t we?

Despite the lack of ambience, Desiree admits that she’s having a comfortable, fun time on this date. Zak’s prize is that he gets to have alone time with her first. He has acquired some cray-pas and filled a sketch book with pictures of their time together. The first is a drawing of some abs from the first night they met. It’s goofy and dumb, but I can’t help thinking it is a sweet gesture. In the end, Zak decides not to confess to Desiree that he’s falling in love with her.

 Next up is Drew’s time. He tells us that he has carefully curated his thoughts and emotions so he can properly express them to Desiree. He is such a sweet little type-A peach. Desiree almost cries as he tells her about his sister who has some kind of disability. He just says that she’s severely mentally handicapped and can’t properly express her emotions but can feel all the love and excitement for her family. You can tell that Des is heart set on meeting Drew’s family. That rose has his name on it.

Both guys really want the rose to feel confident that the emotions they feel for Des are reciprocated. After a speech thanking the men for their time and care, she gives the rose to Drew. I kneeeeeew it.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN the ominous beat thuds as the men pack and anxiously await their fate at the rose ceremony. Desiree’s dress is a stunning, draped blue number. It is like liquid on her and the color is amazing. She sits down for a lil fireside chat with Chrarrison.

Desiree, while talking about her relationships with the men, begins to cry. Particularly over Brooks because she didn’t know that she’d even have these kinds of emotions but is scared because he hasn’t said that he loves her. She wants to believe the best. When Chrarrison asks her point blank if “this” (the process) is over, she says it isn’t because she also is falling in love with Chris! While this isn’t shocking, it’s surprising that we get such a candid interview with her at this point in the process. Typically we don’t hear the “L” word from a Bachelor/ette until much later on.

After a speech from Chrarrison and a speech from Desiree that she’s falling in love, the rose ceremony gets down to business. Before she calls the names I can predict what happens: first up is Brooks, then Chris, leaving Michael and Zak. I predicted that correctly, you’ll have to trust me. The final rose goes to…Zak. I thought that would be the case, but I wasn’t as sure with him. Michael appears heartbroken and sad, and I am just so happy to see him go.

This rose ceremony is always one of the hardest to watch. Oftentimes the guys take it so personally that she didn’t want to go home and meet their families, but usually it’s not the family that’s the problem. Michael is very respectful in how he leaves her though. He’s “heartbroken” but wishes her nothing but the best and thinks the world of her. If he’s going to go holding onto the lie that he likes girls, at least he leaves like a respectful gentleman. The first thing he does though is call his mom.

Well kids, that wraps up this week in Madeira. Hometowns are next week and that always makes for an interesting night. I hope. We really need to pick things up here. Ok gang, follow me on twitter @chasspod in the interim, and check back next Wednesday for the recap!

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

Welcome to what looks to be the most tumultuous episode of the Bachelorette yet. This season, more than any other, we have questionable guys with questionable motives, and some, even, with questionable sexual orientation. Spain looks to hold many a beautiful vista and many a tearful dude, so let's behold la locura.

I’m going to be honest with you guys and say that I’m most excited that they have brought Juan Pablo to Spain where his true beauty and adorableness will show through. I’m also excited for how much everyone is going to cry. As soon as the guys set foot in Barcelona (so jealous oh my GOSH) the Good Guys Club is already gunning to bring down King James.

First win for the GGC is that Drew, who one might call their captain, gets the first one-on-one date. Drew is very, very good looking, but I don’t much about him. I hope he uses his time to be a good dude and not just policing James.

They get to just explore one of the most beautiful and culturally significant cities in the world. *Sigh* How wonderful. It’s raining and they get hot chocolate and kiss at an open air café and, of course, eat tapas. Drew tells Desiree all about his dad who is a recovering alcoholic and how much he means to him. Some of the things he shares are things he’s never told anyone before. He’s such a little cutie all vulnerable like this. Desiree eats it right up and is swooning over his ability to be so open.

The Barcelona day has turned into a romantic noche. They have dinner in a candlelit courtyard. In his little interview Drew keeps saying that his “thoughts and emotions are running crazy”. He looks a little pink in the face, perhaps too much vino, Drew? Anyway, he’s got something up his sleeve.

He steals Des away from the courtyard so the two of them can make out in a dark, cobblestone corridor. It is pretty caliente, my friends. Way to go, Drew. Coming alive!

He has a mega-watt smile and it beams through the darkness as he gets the date rose. But he decides to ruin the moment by telling Desiree all about the James situation he bore witness to. She is pissed off. You can see the fire ignite behind her eyes, but she is very grateful to Drew for telling her.

The next day, we see the Good Guys Club have a pre-workout meeting about what Drew told Desiree. They are much pleased that she now knows the truth before the group date that James will also be on.

The group date is going to Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. So not only is Crazy Eyes Zak getting a one-on-one date, but Juan Pablo is not getting a one-on-one date in Spain. Fine. He’s a little wary too because he is missing being with his daughter to be here. Oh no. Oh please Juan Pablo. Have faith. “Paciencia y fé” as they say.

OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. THEY ARE PLAYING SOCCER AT THE RCD FÚTBOL CLUB SO JUAN PABLO SHOULD BE IN TOP FORM. He is like a panther out there, soaking in the sun, juggling the ball, scoring goals, stealing my corazón. All the guys know just how much this day is going to be about JP, and Brooks is adorably goofy about it. Brooks knows what’s up.

After practicing, they set up for a scrimmage of the Boys against Desiree and a professional woman’s soccer team. The dudes are incredibly, disgustingly sexist about it. Kasey says he was looking up with his game face, but stopped worrying once he saw girls. Brooks calls them girl scouts. But Juan Pablo, ever the gentleman, says “They could be really good players. But if they think they’re winning, that’s not gonna happen.” That’s more the spirit of competition and less the MISOGYNIST GARBAGE THE OTHER GUYS SPEWED.

The guys score the first two goals, and then it’s goal after goal after goal for the girls’ team. James is the worst goalie of all time. The women win 10 to 2. The girls have fun and celebrate, but the guys are busy being furious at James for just existing and also not even making an effort at goal tending.

Kasey is spearheading the GGC at the group date cocktail party. The party is at Des’ quarters for their stay in Spain. It’s this gorgeous old stone house with a courtyard and everything.

She takes Chris up to her bedroom, and they are precious together. You can see how much they actually like each other. Oh my god DES WROTE A POEM FOR CHRIS. THIS IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING:

From the first night, one knee on the ground

Charming and handsome

Instant attraction was found

At the dodgeball game

It was apparent; no shame

On top of that roof, overlooking that view

That was the moment I knew sparks grew

Dancing in the street the moments of bliss

Solidified my feelings for Chris

As the clock ticks, timing never late

For the connections to form each and every day

And the rose to one day grant us our fate

I look forward to the unknown and appreciate the emotion you have shown

I am hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.

  So, I guess it’s not as bad as Chris’s, but it’s kind of like comparing rotten apples to rotten oranges. They are obviously super into each other though, so if this is how they show it, then I’ll have to make peace with that.

Downstairs the Good Guys Club decides to confront James man-to-man about what Kasey and Drew overheard. The rest of the GGC is assembled to bear witness. James looks stunned after Kasey finishes his speech. Then a dramatic cut to commercial!

We’re back. We first cut to Desiree and Brooks being snuggly together. I get the two of them together. They are both kind of weird and just sweet people. But Brooks is worried about missing the gauntlet being thrown down to James.

Kasey is still heading up the GGC, but of course Michael, the harbinger of justice, has latched onto the attack. James is immediately defensive and part of what he says actually inclines me to believe him. Just a little bit.

Chris tries really hard to corral Michael and James from a full on blowout. Ok. Here is what I believe. James just went along with what Mikey said about intimate settings on his boat. He is not guilty there. But he is so deeply on the defensive about not saying that he wanted to be the next Bachelor, that he definitely feels that way. James flies off the handle on all of the GGC, including Chris who is just an innocent bystander at this point.

Kasey then takes it upon himself to tell Desiree about the whole situation again. This time he has the recent confrontation to bring to evidence, but nothing else new to bring. He also is such a dud. I’m sure he’s a good person, but man he is not even that great to look at for how bland he is.

After she’s given all the information, Desiree decides she needs to not give out the date rose and just have a chat with James. “The wall’s are closing in on James, and s**t’s about to hit the fan,” Desiree delivers.

They sit down to talk. Desiree sits down like a normal person on the chaise lounge and James reclines like a Roman senator. And in that one movement, James sums up he’s entire being. After Desiree tells James why she’s so upset with him, James starts the crocodile tears. He is on the defensive and lying and throwing Mikey right under the bus.

He’s talking too much and making too many excuses. I don’t even like James in the first place, so I’d just love to get rid of him for some more Juan Pablo time. James even goes so far as to say that Kasey and Drew made up those things because they’re jealous of the connection he and Des have. HA HA HA. Ok.

Now they are both crying. James waffles around a bit more. I don’t know you guys. I don’t know what she even has to be unsure of. This is so stupid. At the end of all this, she decides she needs to sleep on it. That is a fair assessment and good judgment on her part. But I’m sure the guys are going to be hellaciously furious.

Oh look at this, they are all sitting around talking about what a butthole James is and how he had this coming, but he’s on his way back to the hotel right now. They are not pleased to see him one bit. I don’t even know the truth at this point because James is crying a lot, but it could be tears of a guy who feels caught? I DON’T KNOW. I just don’t know anything at this point.

Zak is a good guy. He has crazy eyes and orange skin but he seems nice. He’s worried about how last night’s events could affect Desiree on the date today. Desiree has an “artistic afternoon” planned for their date to find their “inner Picasso”. Good heavens. The most famous artist out of Barcelona is Gaudi not Picasso, you idiots.

They have fun. They really laugh. They even have to sketch a nude model in their art class. Zak is a surprisingly great sport about the naked dude in the room though. Desiree even falls to the floor laughing at the self portraits they draw of each other.

Then Zak comes out in a robe! HOW RIBALD! He strikes some poses when he drops the robe to reveal his tightie-whities! Oh how they joke. This is the problem with Zak though. He actually is pretty fun and a sweet guy, but his tan is so, so gross. I just wish he would tone down some of the tanning and teeth bleaching and just be more “natural” as it were. I think I could picture him and Des more if he did.

For dinner the couple gets to dine in the deep of a cavas winery. It is old world and gorgeous.  Desiree seems to really be feeling Zak. And we all know from last week how she feels about his kissing ability. Zak shares his happy but boring childhood, but sweetens the pot by sharing how much he loves the spirit of adventure. Desiree really likes that.

After a spicy little kiss, Desiree gives him the rose. “At this point in my life, you kinda mean everything to me,” Zak tells her. I’m distracted by the fact that there are two untouched steaks on the table in front of them. Why wouldn’t you eat your steak?! They make out in a dark alley of the wine cellar.

Back in Hotel Hell, James decides to calmly confront Drew about what was overheard and what he told Des. James actually keeps his cool more than Drew in this fight. James kind of admits to saying he could become the Bachelor, but tries to justify it and say that it’s ok? I’m unclear on the logic, needless to say it’s flawed. In trying to get Drew to understand, James only alienates him more.

Michael’s favorite thing is hyperbole as he calls James “evil and sinister”. So maybe he’s not a good guy, but is he the devil’s handmaid? No. He’s not. Desiree comes a-calling to send King James on his merry way. Desiree knows that James needs to go home and doesn’t believe that she can trust him.

But as they sit on the steps of the hotel, with the guys overlooking from the balcony, Desiree becomes confused. She thinks he’s being sincere when he says dumb stuff like “I feel more alive than I did before.”

How is she this conflicted about THIS guy? I mean if it was Brooks or Chris? YEAH. Feel conflicted. But this jerk wad? Ugh. He is getting some little boob sweat patches on his lilac button up shirt. The way they leave things is that she will make her decision as she sees fit at the rose ceremony. Desiree needs time alone to figure this one out. Again.

The Good Guys Club ain’t havin’ it. Uh-uh, no way, Jose! They rehash all the same old stuff and fight a lot with James who gets too heated blah blah blah. I’m just ready for this to be over. I want to know his fate.

Michael sums it all up nicely by saying, “If James gets a rose tonight, I think the group is gonna collectively s*** themselves."

The rose ceremony this week is in a palace at the end of a pier in the blue twilight of the Mediterranean Sea. Without a cocktail party, the men merely assemble in suits to prepare themselves for the worst, hoping for the best. Three whole guys are leaving tonight! Deep, deep cuts.

First up is Chris, then Brooks, and we’re already at the final rose. I would love for Juan Pablo to stay, but I fear the worst for him. Oh Gosh. I don’t even care about James. OH MAN IT’S MICHAEL. SHE KEEPS MICHAEL. MAN. OF ALL THE GUYS LEFT. I mean yaaay James is gone, but like MICHAEL?!

This means Kasey is leaving which is no skin off my back. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO! My main hombre Juan Pablo is also leaving and I’m the most sad! The poor guy just wants to have more kids and find a good mom for his daughter Camila which also WHY DIDN’T WE GET TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THAT???

And James is going. Good bye and good riddance. You won’t be missed.

Moving on immediately from King James, next week’s episode in Madeira looks CRAZY!!! There are tears and heartbreak and is it possible that Drew is a complete and utter a-hole? I can’t wait to find out! You’ll just have to tune in with me next week, y’all. Until then, you know where to find me @chasspod and here on the Polar Bear for other fun tidbits of pop culture. Kisses!

BONUS PIC OF JUAN PABLO AND HIS DAUGHTER MY HEART MELTSSSS

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Hey kids. I can finally deliver to you last week’s Bachelorette recap. Moving is crazy and without internet in the house, things got overwhelming, so I put this on the back burner. But enough with excuses, let’s dive in!

We are just about halfway through Desiree's journey towards love, and hopefully things can only get really, really good from here. This week we finally go abroad-abroad to Munich, Germany. Let's see what kind of shit hits the proverbial fan, shall we?

The dudes are all properly stoked to be in Germany, and who can blame them? I would kill to go to Munich on somebody else’s dime.

I think Chris Harrison fulfills some subconscious fantasy I never knew I had when he greets the men on the main Platz by saying, “Guten Morgen!” This is Desiree’s first time in Europe, more importantly, from Chrarrison we find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one cage match where two men go in and only one comes out! Bring it!

The dudes go nuts in their plush suite. Obviously within seconds one of the meatheads has popped his meaty head out the window to shout “Hello, Munich!” Kasey laboriously recites some poorly worded German to camera.

CHRIS IS GETTING THE ONE-ON-ONE! YAY FOR YOU, CHRIS! Please write poems about it. “In Munich, we can fall in love with each other,” the card says auf Deutsch. Chris just keeps getting better and better, y’all. So cute I can’t handle it. So cute I can forgive him for describing his excitement as being “really jacked”.

Within the first minute of the date, it becomes abundantly clear that Chris speaks zero German, but neither does Des! So they will be acting like the cutest little fluffy bunnies all over Munich with a German phrase book to help.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is once again expressing his doubts about his feelings. He’s  tells us Desiree is a great girl, but at the end of the day, his feelings for her aren’t progressing like the rest of the guys’. So, in order to save her any emotional duress, Bryden tells James he’s going to go home. Bryden leaves right then and there to interrupt Desiree on her date with Chris to tell her he’s leaving.

He’s going to be interrupting quite the party though. Des and Chris are wandering about, taking pictures with street performers, eating sausage Lady and the Tramp style, trying on dirndls and lederhosen. They are goofballs, and I love it.

In the hotel suite, James has assembled all the remaining men in their MATCHING AMERICAN APPAREL HOODIES to break the news about Bryden leaving. I’m serious. They are all wearing the same American Apparel hoodie, just in different colors. I mean what a perfect time and place to evoke the Von Trapps. They are all stunned at the news. Zak’s crazy eyes grew three sizes that day.

Bryden is wandering the streets asking people if they’ve seen television cameras filming. It’s a pretty good strategy but hilarious in execution. He finally comes upon them in a courtyard where the happy couple is dancing to polka music. The cameras dramatically cut to a shot of Bryden’s face then slash cut to a gargoyle and I laugh and laugh and laugh. A gargoyle is appropriate imagery for breaking up with someone on TV for sure.

Further proving himself to be a really good guy, Bryden calls out to Chris first. He approaches and says, “I’m really sorry to do this to you… But can I just take her for a couple of minutes and bring her right back?” and because Chris is an equally good guy, he’s all “Yeah! Sure!”

To the cameras, Chris reveals that he’s a little confused and concerned about the whole ordeal. It’s ok, boo, things are gonna work out in your favor.

Bryden says to Desiree the same things he told us before, and you can see the sadness fill her eyes. Like Michael G. points out, it’s not like she didn’t know he was having doubts, so hopefully she’s prepared herself. But even preparing yourself mentally never quite gets your heart really prepared to be rejected. Least of all on a show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the rejecting. Des and Bryden leave each other without even a hug good-bye.

Chris is the absolute cutest man who has ever been on this show. I mean it. Cute-wise, there is none cuter than Chris. He wants nothing more than to reassure Desiree that he is there for her 100% and to make her feel better after essentially being dumped mid-date.

Oh wow they are in a dream-date locale. It’s the real Hofbräuhaus, and they have giant steins of beer and just a tree of soft pretzels sitting on their table. If anything can soothe a hurting heart, surely it is an adorable man and warm, salted breads.

After changing into formalwear, Desiree and Chris have dinner in an actual palace. Chris continues to be the cutest, “I don’t have to worry about the other guys in the house! I don’t have to worry about what time I have to go to bed! I don’t have to worry about brushing my teeth! I don’t have to worry about anything!” His childlike excitement about this whole thing is almost contagious, almost.

Chris wrote her a poem on the plane and brought it for her today. It’s called “Thoughts so True” and this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

While I stand there waiting, watching you

Your dress so perfect, you look so cute

You reach for red, a chance you’ll take

But choice is right and your mind is made

While I stand there waiting, my thoughts run free

Thoughts of past relationships, old to me

Girls I used to think were true

All out of mind as I think of you

The plan her’s now, not up to me

Feelings eternal if you choose me

And that absolutely exquisite piece of garbage makes Desiree cry. No one’s ever written a poem for me, crappy or otherwise, so I can’t say how I’d react. And Chris deserves to be mocked forever for that rhyming, sophomoric hilarity, but I still kind of love it. Chris! What are you DOING to me?!

Obviously he gets the date rose. Then there is ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT FROM A THIRD RATE MUSICIAN. This time they’ve flown Matt White to Germany. I enjoy his song, and the couple continues being fluffy lil’ bunnies dancing along to it.

Safe from the two-on-one and headed on the group date are Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey. Which means Michael and Ben are on the two-on-one.

“I need to now go and murder Ben,” is what Michael, A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, says re: his two-on-one date situation. He also makes a couple other lawyer analogies about convicting Ben of being an asshole, but I’m distracted by his poofy hair. They keep cutting to shots of him sans-hair product and it is nothing but pure puff that would make John Green a raging squid of jealousy.

“Will you climb the highest mountain for me?” inquires the date card. Trust, the Sound of Music references the producers are making are not lost on me. The dudes will be goofing around with Desiree at the peak of the highest mountain in Germany. If you thought Juan Pablo looked sexual in cowboy gear, he looks a bajillion times hotter in a snow parka with Ray Bans on. Good. Lord.

And then they try and have Juan Pablo talk about the yodeler and he can’t say yodeler and it’s so precious. Can I just have the Juan Pablo show please? All Juan Pablo, all the time.

Then they all go sledding in state of the art lil sleds. Drew, ever the voice of truth states ,“Des is a badass.” And she is. She’s having as much fun wiping out on her sled as she is sledding. Yeah, girl!

Zak makes the obligatory analogy of the date to the Bachelor process! Someone had to do it, might as well be Crazy Eyes.

They have a snowball fight with the guys being too aggressive with Des like boys on a playground. And to warm up, everybody heads into a snow-hotel. It’s like a hobbit house made of snow in the side of the mountain, and I want to go to there. It is awesome in a primordial, mythical way.

Desiree makes out with Brooks in a side room. Mikey really wants the date rose though. I don’t understand why Mikey is still there. He’s convinced he and Des have chemistry, but I’m not so sure. Compared to the other guys she’s having a “connection” with, I don’t get it with meat-head Mikey.

They build some mini-snowmen which Des eats right up. But cue the devious music, Zak W. comes creeping out with a glass of wine to spy. He then begins to yodel to interrupt their time. He is a complete loon.

YALL. Zak tells us that last time he was in Germany was ten years ago and he made a huge life decision. And now he’s here to make a decision about who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with (which is a bit of putting the cart before ten other horses). HE THEN TELLS DESIREE THAT HE INITIALLY WAS IN SCHOOL TO BECOME A PRIEST. A PRIEST. “WILL YOU ACCEPT THESE ABS” GUY WANTED TO BE A PRIEST. I cannot reconcile these images.

He realized in Germany that priesthood was not the path for him, and he’s hopeful that Germany will lead him to love forever with Desiree. Oof. This guy’s clock is just ticking. There is no way he’s got staying power here. I mean, have y’all seen Drew?

This group date is where the true feelings towards James start to come out. Drew feels that he’s just playing the game. Brooks thinks he acts like two different people. Juan Pablo gives him suspicious eyes whenever he talks. Time will reveal his true colors. But for now, Brooks gets the date rose for being a sweet, sweet clown. James is pissed about it.

The producers found a random street dog to shoot! Ben is preparing for his tension-filled two-on-one by remembering to be a “good Christian man” in response to anything Michael lobs his way.

Michael has convinced himself that Desiree has selected him specifically to expose Ben for the lying, cheat he really is. I don’t think that’s so much the case, Michael. I think the people who’ve watched you blatantly hate him for weeks selected you for this date.

Michael is seriously talking about how he feels that being a lawyer has prepared him for this moment. He uses words like “cross examining” and “impeaching”. Take it easy, Mike. Vicious dude bashing never won fair lady.

Desiree is perfectly aware of how awkward this date will be. She’s using the awkwardness as a litmus test to see who can handle the pressure better. They are in a beautiful lakeside town called Tegernsee. It’s picturesque. They share some coco from a thermos on a park bench (ROMANCE).

As most of you know, I’m doing all this nonsense in public because my internet is down, and I want you to know that I’m watching this date happen from between parted fingers. I look insane, but this date is that awful. Michael is on the war path from the start. And Ben is just boring. It’s not so much that I dislike him; it’s more that he is a NOTHING person. He’s got a son, and he’s from Texas. There is NOTHING more to Ben than the thick layer of slime covering these two facts.

To break the palpable tension, Desiree wants in on the fun she missed out on last season in Lake Louise. The three of them are going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. The dudes are not super jazzed about the prospect. Michael is wearing the belt from his blue fluffy robe as a headband to show he is “quirky” and “fun”.

BUT JK LOLZ THEY AREN’T DOING A PLUNGE! They are going in a “hot tug” which is a little dingy that’s rigged to be a mobile, boat-hot-tub. Kind of cool but the last thing in the world I want to do on a two-on-one is be trapped in a MOBILE HOT TUB BOAT ON A LAKE IN GERMANY.

It is as horrible as you’d imagine. They are involved in a mid-lake pissing contest talking to Des. Then Michael just straight up asks Ben what happened to the mother of his child. Ben is diplomatic I guess, but still slimy.

I will say though that Michael is just interrogating him and basically trolling Ben with statements about his parenting. Desiree is rightfully super duper uncomfortable.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE HOTEL SUITE – the boys are separated into two factions. On one side we have Chicago boys Mikey and James, on the other we have sweet boys Drew, Kasey, Brooks, and Chris (Zak and Juan Pablo are missing in action).

Drew and Kasey essentially hold court in one room of the suite to discuss the dirty, ulterior motives James has for being there, all of which they overheard while pretending to be asleep in a van. At the same time James and Mikey are gooning it up doing things like massaging each other’s faces. No really.

Drew alleges that James suggested they “bring girls out on his boat and have intimate settings out on the water” INTIMATE SETTINGS! Drew says “intimate settings” like the words were made of fire.

James also allegedly said, “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” And, “I already run Chicago, once everyone knows us we can run the town.” Um, pretty bold statement from an advertising exec when you consider the kind of shit that actually goes down in this city. The kind of people who run this town are NOT the kind of men who go on the Bachelorette. Please.

Drew and Kasey want to present Desiree with this info at the cocktail party tomorrow. They are the Good Guys Club. I’m sure Juan Pablo is on their side.

Back on the two-on-one, the group has dinner in a cozy cabin. Michael decides it’s time to fully interrogate Ben. He calls into question his fathering skills and his faith. Michael is so much on the offensive that it’s very uncomfortable for Des. You can see her try to keep things light, but Michael doesn’t let it go.

Ben gets so infuriated that he excuses himself from the table. He keeps bringing up how hard it is for him to be “a good Christian man”. Ugh shut up Ben.

Desiree scolds Michael for being so intense and persistent, and only then do we see it dawn on Michael that maybe he was a little too much. Des goes outside to check on sulky Benny boy. They are both being such idiots that at this point she doesn’t know if she’ll give out the rose at all. Yes! Please! Be rid of them both!

Once alone in a wine dungeon Michael calmly and sanely tells Desiree some of the more damning evidence against Ben. She also talked with Ben down there but he was boring and said the same stuff about being a dad.

The moment of truth arrives. Desiree picks up the rose and decides to give it to the man she could “see a potential future with” and that man is…MICHAEL! WOW. Wow. This might be one of the first times a Bachelor/ette gets rid of the one that everyone else hates. I’m so proud of her.

Showing himself to be exactly the kind of “good Christian man” he is on the inside Ben storms out saying things like “To hell with him for what he said to me,” and, “F*** this. That was a f***ing poor decision.” COOL, GUY. SO COOL. As soon as he gets in the limo he starts peacocking to try and prove that he isn’t hurt by this. He ends up just coming off as a psycho.

He says stuff like “Be careful who you pick as the next Bachelor. You guys really missed out on Single Dad from Texas….HI, HOLLYWOOD!” and finally, “How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with someone because I DON’T WANT TO WAIT HAAHAHAHAHAHA” Really. He leaves us with maniacal laughter.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony this week is taking place inside a stunningly beautiful palace. It’s insane. It looks like it’s the Beauty and the Beast castle. We are also getting a good fireside chat with the one and only Chrarrison!

Instead of getting to matters of the heart, we talk matters of the mouth. Chrarrison is asking her all about kissing the guys. She says, all very diplomatically, that she would like to kiss Brooks because their relationship is the most developed. Then says that on a purely phsycial level the Zak is a good kisser which GROSS. GROSS. Ugh. I mean I guess we all have preferences but ZAK IS SO GROSS.

As the guys arrive, Good Guys Club are nervous about breaking the news to Des about  James. But lo! Desiree tells Chris that her decision is already made, and that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Bum! BUM! BUUUUMMMMMM!

It looks like Drew is about to spontaneously combust after Des tells them the news, and James just blurts out, “you look beautiful.” Yeah. What the hell James? Not the time. But Drew, baby, it’ll be ok. Des’ heart will eventually lead her to the right place.

First name out is Zak, then Kasey, then Juan Pablo (THANK GOD), then Drew. So at this point all the Good Guys Club is saved, leaving only James and Mikey. And she calls out…James. Drew looks like he just pooped his pants.

Mikey is a sad goon. Mikey is not the guy for Des, but he’s pretty composed giving his final interview. He will treat some lady like an absolute queen and she will have a palace furnished by his plumbing contracting riches, but for now it’s the end of the road for him.

I cannot wait to watch next week’s episode when we travel to Spain! I will not lie and say I’m most excited that they are bringing JUAN PABLO TO A SPANSIH SPEAKING COUNTRY OLÉ! See you guys for the man-tears festival of pain and lies. Besos.

Until tomorrow, find me at @chasspod and recaps, from now on, go up every Wednesday.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Do you guys think that when humans look back on our civilization hundreds of years from  now they'll find dozens of recaps about a show that purported be all about true love but was really about exploitation and the lengths people will go to for fame and ultimately feel really ashamed of our indulgence? No? Me either. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE!

The world traveling kicks off this week with everyone heading to Atlantic City. Let me tell you, their feigned excitement over visiting such an exotic locale is through the roof! They try really hard to make Atlantic City not look like the dated, bizarre hell-hole that it is, but a roller coaster on a rainy boardwalk can only entice one’s desire to travel to Atlantic City so much.

 “MAN THIS PLACE IS AWESOME. IT’S BASICALLY LIKE LAS VEGAS ON THE OCEAN,” Kasey yells.

The first one-on-one date is going to Brad, the one with the kid and an addict ex-wife. This will be interesting because we haven’t seen much of him other than when he told her that sordid bit of his past.

As James and Mikey voice over how they think Brad is a nice guy but maybe too quiet for Des, the couple have a blast going on all the rides on the boardwalk. Brad does seem a little quiet, but maybe that’s what Desiree needs. I don’t know; I’m not her.

She and Brad get to tour a candy factory without hairnets or any other sanitary gear. After visiting the taffy room, Des whispers that she smells chocolate. “Where’s the chocolate?” she urgently whispers again. Well, they find it! It’s like a sterile and un-beautiful Willy Wonka! They just dive right in and grab chocolate covered pretzels off the conveyor belt. I’m concerned about the health standards at this factory.

High from their glassed-in prison, Bryden and Zak W. (and Ben but I hate him) spy on what they think are Desiree and Brad on the boardwalk.

“This is a disaster,” Zak sighs, exasperated, “Especially on a carousel! Things always happen on a carousel.” Do they, Zak W.? What kinds of things always happen on carousels? On the Bachelorette Emily and Arie made out once, and one time there was a haunted carousel in the feature length made-for-tv “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” movie, but those are the only two things I can think of that have happened on carousels.

Regardless, Zak W. is upset and becoming a little obsessively psycho about Brad on this date.

Wow. Check out the sick ass sandcastle of love they get to lounge in. It’s pretty impressive and probably super cold. They have a pleasant but vague exchange.

God I feel like the dates this season have six bajillion parts. They have their dinner at yet another location, this time a lighthouse. Desiree is unsure if at this point Brad’s good qualities are translating into a connection. I’m unsure at this point if Brad likes girls.

Between many awkward pauses filled by drinking wine, the conversation is strained. It’s uncomfortable to watch them be so uncomfortable. Even after climbing to the top of an historic lighthouse that should be a romantic lookout point, the two have nothing to say to each other. Ok, Des, please, cut the cord.

She does. Des cuts the cord. AT THE TOP OF THE LIGHTHOUSE. They are trapped up there together. Brad is getting dumped in a room from which his only escape is a tiny, tiny door in the floor. Poor guy. He is a sweet accountant who will make another woman very happy.

Group date time, y’all! Brooks, Bryden, Zak K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael, and Chris will be trying become Desiree’s “Mr. Right.” Brooks describes Des as a unicorn. Drew is still super duper cute.

Everyone gathers in the gymnasium of Boardwalk Hall to meet with Chrarrison and the current Miss America, who hails from New Jersey. Boardwalk Hall is where the first Miss America pageant took place 90 years ago, so for the date these boys will be competing in their very own all male revue in a Mr. America pageant! I love this. I love when they are forced into frivolity and peacocking.

Guys. Guys. Guess what Michael G. says. You’re never going to guess. It’s better than anything I could make up that he says in reaction to this date. He says, “As a young kid, I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. And that’s all you could ask for out of life.” WOW! HE DEFINITELY LIKES GIRLS NOT BOYS!

World famous pageant coach (I’m not sure those words can technically be used together truthfully) Christopher Dean sashays onto the scene to also help the guys prepare for the pageant. This show is such a gift to me and my life.

The first task to take care of is choosing a talent for everyone, AND JUAN PABLO GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE BATON AND STARTS TWIRLING AND TOSSING IT. LIKE, JP IS REALLY GOOD AT BATON TWIRLING. ¡DIOS MIO!

More and more antics ensue. Drew accurately describes the proceedings as a “hodge-podge of tomfoolery.” Bless, Drew. Bless. Additional blessings unto Drew for deciding that he will recite Romeo’s famous monologue from “Romeo and Juliet.”

As a final twist, Mr. Dean reveals that there will also be a swimsuit competition. The guys have preassigned swimsuits; some are trunks, some are speedos. When asked how Juan Pablo feels about his speedo he replies, “I FEEL GREAT!” I can’t handle my amor for this total goon.

The audience is assembled, the stage is set, Chrarrison is in his best hosting suit, and it’s time to get this dog and pony show on the road. Miss America Valerie Hagan, Mayor Lorenzo Langford, and Desiree shall be the judges presiding over this most presitigous affair.

Kasey is first up in the interview portion. His question is “In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?” Boring! So is his response! Most of the questions are weird like “would you be water or fire?” or “what animal would you be and why?” These are the kinds of questions my friends and I ask each other on road trips, fun, but not the kind of thing I care to know about Zak W.

Chris is starting to shine very brightly here. He stumbles through his response but is charming and adorable the whole time. He also would not part with his strappy pink high heels earlier while practicing.

Um, Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter? So. Yeah. Way to be upfront with me about that JP. Like, I’m going to forgive you but I need you to not disclose such important details to me during a mock beauty pageant.

Mikey tries to say that women just see men as bodies and can’t see that they are real people. Yeah, Mikey, I’d say WOMEN are definitely the worst perpetrators of the objectification of the opposite gender. You MEN really have to struggle with being seen as a piece of meat.

TALENT SHOW TIIIIIIIIIIME! Kasey comes out in red pants to tell a terrible story and do some equally terrible tap dancing.

Mikey, who recently berated women for objectifying him, does a strip tease. He takes off his clothes for his talent. His abs are his talent. ABS AREN’T A TALENT, MIKEY.

Brooks hurts my ears with a made up song on a ukulele that he cannot play.

Ben ribbon dances without a shirt; Drew reads that monologue from a script and I silently deduct points for not memorizing; darling Chris does some hula hoop tricks in the aforementioned pink high heels; Bryden regales us with another strip tease.

And then, a funny thing happens. Zak W. sings pretty well and plays guitar to a nice, simple song he wrote. Is he Bob Dylan? No. Was it sweet? Yes. Does he still have crazy eyes? YES.

Then we watch a handful of the guys prance around in swimsuits. Mikey does that creepy peck flex thing that male strippers do. I do not get to see Juan Pablo in a speedo. I am greatly upset by this. But Drew is surprisingly cut.

After much (minimal) deliberation, the results are in! Brooks is our second-runner up, followed by Zak W. And the winner of the whole crown is…Kasey? I guess. Seems pretty arbitrary. He gets a giant dopey crown, flowers, and a sash.

After the pomp of the pageant, Desiree plans a pool party for her posse! So much chill fun. Chris snags her away first to show her his more serious, not high heel wearing side.

Oh my gosh. He writes poetry. Don’t make fun of him guys. He went through some tough times with baseball, so he goes to coffee shops to write poetry. If he wasn’t so cute I would murder him for this confession, but he is precious. Des is super into it too, for she does the same thing!

HE READS ONE. HE READS ONE ABOUT THE DATE ON TOP OF THE HOTEL. IT ALL RHYMES. OH. MY. GOD. HIS POEMS ALL RHYME!!!!

Back at the other pool, Bryden hates Ben a whole awful lot. His hatred is so fierce that it makes me like Bryden more. Ben decides to have his one-on-one time with Desiree right in front of all the guys which sends them up the walls.

Des is completely taken by him though. She totally digs the fact that he wears a necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I mean, look, wear a necklace with your son’s thumbprint but don’t try and play it like you “tried to show it to her during your talent” when your talent was RIBBON DANCING.

Zak W. uses his time to play the rest of his song based on his experience on the Bachelorette. I want to hate it, but it’s actually not terrible. He just really wants a rose. He gets the rose!

Chris is bummed that he didn’t get it, but he’ll be fine. He’s too cute to send home yet. Bryden didn’t get any one-on-one time with Des, which is weird for him and me. That’s unusual.

Has anyone heard more than two words from Zak K? Who is that guy? He’s a beefy book publisher. That’s all I got.

James is excited for his date. His bags are packed, but his hair is gelled in hopes that he’ll earn a rose. They are going on a helicopter ride, but this isn’t your typical Bachlorette helicopter ride. They are going to tour some of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore. That should be a fun and sexy time for them, yes?

The destruction is intense. It’s real people’s lives that have been affected here, so I can’t make light of that.

What I can make light of is that as they’re touring Seaside Heights from the ground, they walk past the actual “Jersey Shore” house. I would know that shack of doom anywhere, and that is the real deal.

The Red Cross guide takes James and Des to meet a real couple in the process of rebuilding. They’re in their sixties and true New Jerseyians. The woman is so excited to meet Desiree from the tv! They are just lovely, and their story really affects Des and James.

We find out that Manny and Jan had to spend their wedding anniversary in a Red Cross shelter right after the worst of the storm. With that in mind, Des and James “decide” (are coerced by producers) to give their fancy date to this sweet couple so they can properly celebrate their marriage.

Instead of dinner in a gaudy Atlantic City ballroom, Des and James grab some food at a dive bar. That food is probably terrific, and I would prefer that as a date anyways.

James tells Desiree that he cheated on a girlfriend he dated for five years during his freshmen year of college. I appreciate that he’s being honest; I would want to know that. But at the same time, that was almost ten years ago for this guy, and what person didn’t make beyond stupid, awful, dumb-dumb decisions their freshmen year of college? I’m not forgiving what he did, but I’m saying it probably doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad person now. Turns out Desiree agrees with me.

Back in Atlantic City, Manny and Jan are presented with their wedding photo album that was ruined in the flooding. They have a letter from a volunteer saying they helped to restore the photos in that album. They’re crying looking at it. I’m crying looking at them. It’s a very nice gesture! True love is real!

Here’s a link to the American Red Cross website. I give $20 a month, and I really don’t make much. But every time something like Hurricane Sandy, the Boston Marathon bombings, and any other disaster happens, I’m glad to know I can help people like Manny and Jan. Also it’s tax deductible if that’s a thing that means something to you.

And then there’s a private concert for James, Des, Manny, and Jan from Darius Rucker. If it was Hootie and the Blowfish I might get excited but it’s not so I’m not.  Oh yeah and James gets the rose.

Going into the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Bryden is feeling uncertain. He’s not sure his feelings for Desiree are where they should be, nor hers for him. He even tells the guys he’s not sure if he would accept a rose if he was offered one.

In order to stake his claim for a rose, Michael has designed a grand gesture. He writes out D-E-S-I-R-E-E and with each letter tells her a reason why he likes her. It’s an acrostic poem of love. Kill me. They share a lukewarm kiss.

Bryden has his talk with Desiree. She tries to reassure him and give him the confidence that she does want him there. Bryden is still doubtful and hasn’t made a decision. I respect him for being honest, though, that he isn’t necessarily head over heels for a girl he’s been on one real date with.

Tonight, there is only one guy who won’t be receiving a rose. But who knows what Bryden will do. What’s to become of this?! Here goes nothing. She calls out Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablito, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, and then she calls out Bryden and he accepts. And the final rose goes to Mikey. Zak K. our stoic but beefy book publisher is going home.

He’s actually really eloquent and seems perfectly nice. What the hell, producers? Why didn’t you even show him more? Whatever, she’s got enough guys to deal with as they travel onward to Munich. It looks like some of the building tension will boil over in Deutschland, and I cannot wait. Auf wiedersehen, my friends!

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

When we last left our heroine, she was deep in the throes of love with over a dozen men. Well, let's be honest, Desiree's in the throes of love with just a few men and then vaguely aware of the presence of the rest. So let’s see where this week’s journey takes us.

The first of two group dates of the episode kicks right off with Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Brandon, Zak K., and Ben. “Love is a battlefield” is the ominous date card message. Their hackles are all riled up because Ben the Butthead will be on the date with them.

Brandon arrives wearing an orange sweatband around his head like a total goober. He’s gonna need it though because the group date is competitive dodgeball. Michael is very, very intimidated by the big burly men holding balls that they will lob at him with their bulging biceps. As if prescient, he says, “It’s only a matter of time until an ambulance shows up.”

Then Chrarrison arrives with the age old Bachelorette trick of separating the men into two teams. The team who wins the dodgeball match in the park will continue onto the second part of the date, and the others will go home. You're familiar.

Would it kill them to at least pick different team colors than red and blue for once in this show’s life? Please? How about magenta and turquoise? I could watch the magenta team pummel the turquoise team.

Ah, well, they get suited up in embarrassing short-shorts, tank tops, tube socks, and sweatbands to battle it out. They all desperately try to make sense of why this date is important to Des.

In a best of three tournament, the blue team wins first round. Red team wins the second round. But just as the whistle blows to start round three, Brooks goes down and stays down. Brooks’ finger is bleeding it’s so messed up, and the medic says, “Yeah…he’s gonna have to get that reset.”

But the game must go on! After a heated man-on-man finish, the Blue Team wins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The red team is beating themselves up for not taking it home for Brooks. But Desiree plays her cards right and decides to take everyone along to the after party.

At the cocktail party, they toast to Brooks the fallen hero who is seriously messed up in the ER. Desiree pulls Brad aside to talk and he opens up that he has a three-year-old son named Maddox. Now THAT is how you play your child card, BEN. You don’t WHORE HIM OUT FOR CUTENESS VALUE. Brad is very sweet and very vulnerable telling Desiree about a lot of sordid details in his past. Points for Brad. He’s also easy on the eyes, eh?

“I will always be honest with you,” we overhear Michael saying, “I am honest to a fault.” Except maybe with one very important detail about myself that could dramatically alter the trajectory of our relationship, but I’m gonna keep that shit bottled up.

Chris is a timid mortage broker trying to make his move. He pulls her up to the roof to sit alone and see the skyline. He’s adorable and seems like a caring, sincere guy.

Brooks has been released from the hospital looking like a drunken idiot. He’s obviously on pain meds and missed the chance to shower and change. He’s holding his broken finger hand up as he boldly traipses through the lobbey of a very nice hotel, intent on his mission for love.

They get some alone time and make out. He is gross and sweaty and hilariously frank due to the drugs, but she liked it, so whatever. 

Timid Chris gets the date rose though! Way to go, Chris you cutie.This means he gets a private concert from Kate Earle. Brandon continues acting like a true psycho and hunts them down to spy on Desiree and Chris dancing. When they kiss, you can almost see the fires of jealousy ignite from his body.

So we're watching Des write in a journal at home when a really weird thing happens. Chris Harrison and Desiree share a scripted phone call. Some guy has done something awful and horrible. Desiree takes off in her Bentley straight away to take care of the situation once and for all.

The perpetrator is Brian with the wonky eye. What he has perpetrated is yet to be seen, but I’m guessing it has to do with that woman we’ve seen in the previews.

She tries to gently ask him to come clean and be honest. Desiree very kindly gives him outs, and then he traps himself and digs a little hole talking about his “past” relationship. Brian says “past relationship” several times.

So Des replies, “Well are you sure that’s how she feels about it? Because she’s actually here.”

“Hi, I’m Stephanie. Brian’s girlfriend,” this new woman tries to handshake but Des is all SOLIDARITY, SIS and hugs it out.

“Aw, jeez,” is all Ryan can mutter.

The boys are going insane about all this drama. They are peering through every window like nosy sorority girls. “He’s in a lot of trouble,” is how Drew fills us in.

Stephanie is really awesome. I’m serious. I know there are rumors going around about her profession, but that doesn’t matter. She sticks up for herself and for Des and shames this absolute piece of garbage. She has a three-year-old son that Brian was a role model to and she only gets really emotional when she brings him up. Des literally has her back.

Chris is trying to regain control of the situation, but this train is off the rails. Brian continues to lie and lie and lie. The intervention music kicks in as Stephanie rails on and on about him. 

“I did throw rocks at you because you’re a jerk,” is a thing Stephanie says at one point. That’s the level of crazy we’re dealing with here. 

Finally he gets the boot. A giant man in a newsboy cap named Ollie escorts him to pack his things and leave the house. Desiree and Stephanie hug it out. And that’s that. Oh, except Brandon manages to cry about his daddy issues on camera pretty intensely. I’m uncomfortable. And worried about his (lack of) emotional stability.

Immediately following THAT escapade is Kasey’s one-on-one date! What a fun time that should be. They’re going dancing on the side of a building. They look like they have a fun time as they get a lesson, but quickly get tired out. Desiree is not feeling up to the date fun face after the morning she’s had. 

She’s looking forward to a relaxing evening on the roof of the same building they danced on. Out of nowhere, the Santa Ana’s come blowing through and wrecking the set. To lighten the mood they jump in the pool. Then the pool is cold. Then Kasey kisses her poorly with towels on their heads. It’s bad. It's one of the least coordinated Bachelorette dates I’ve ever seen.

So because she feels Kasey has been “such a great sport” through all the chaos, he gets the rose.

Group date number two will be Dan, James, Juan Pablo (MI HOMBRE JP), Bryden, and Zak W. They’re going into cowboy training! In fact, they'll be riding in a full stage coach to their bootcamp. That does not seem reasonable in Los Angeles.

Des is wearing a "beautiful gown from like the 1900s", per James, and then she does some stunt work throwing a villainous outlaw off the roof. Juan Pablo was very concerned.

Oh, cool, it's a plug for the "The Lone Ranger."  The stunt team from the movie will be teaching the guys some basic movie combat and gun work to compete for Des's heart.

Full disclosure, I think they all look super hot in their cowboy garb. It's a lot of henleys and suspenders and pants that are tight in the butt. They are having an absolute hoot! They get a little surprise when the cavalry rolls in. Juan Pablo is so excited at the sight of horses, he literally says, "Ay! ay! ay!". I love him.

James is first up to act out his little action sequence. He is obviously taking it extremely seriously. TOO BAD HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS "HUSTLE PETE". HUSTLE PETE!

"I love being rescued," Des voice overs. I could spend several thousand words talking about that phrase and this whole date and how back-ass-wards it is, but let's just continue on and pretend she didn't even say that (I don't know if I ever truly can).

Bryden's butt looks good. His hair is typically terrible. Zak is a clown who shoots from his hips. Dan Oatmeal's pants split while mounting his horse. JP speaks Spanish and is really pretty good at the action and is so hot and muy spicy.

JUAN PABLO WINS! He calls his little chatchky badge beautiful. I love him very much. They get to watch a special screening of "The Lone Ranger" with "popcorns and stuff". He seems to have a boyish playfulness, and clearly I'm biased, but I think he's a great guy. He kisses with too much tongue, though, like our old friend Sean.

Later, the guys reconvene for the rest of the group date around a fire and a nice vegetable platter.

Oh my god! One of the guys or some sweet crew member convinced Bryden to side sweep his hair! He looks one BAJILLION times better! Someone here on tumblr accurately pointed out that his front bangs are reminiscent of Lloyd Christmas from "Dumb and Dumber".

Zak is so strange to me. I can't get a real read on him. He seems nice. He makes Desiree laugh. But he's orange and has crazy eyes. I'm skeptical.

I feel the same way about James: unsure. He just seems so slick and polished that I can't get a solid read on him. His dad is very sick at home, but James seems to be gung-ho about being there. Desiree reassures his presence by giving him the rose. They kiss.

The show this season has a problem turning the mic-packs off when Desiree is kissing someone. There is no noise more repulsive to human ears than other people sloppily kissing. This feels like a personal assault on my eardrums.

Wow, guys. Like, Des is so chill and off-the-cuff. She has decided to forgo the cocktail party and have a super fun pool party. They're just gonna kick back in swimsuits and see where the day takes them.

Ben immediately concocts an evil genius plan. He creepily stares out the front door, waiting for her arrival. As soon as her blue Bentley pulls up, he runs out IN RYAN'S TANK TOP OF DOOM PART 2: THE TANK TOP'S BLACK REVENGE. IF I DIDN'T HATE HIM BEFORE, MY JURY IS OFFICIALLY IN. VERDICT REACHED: PIECE OF DIRT.

Anyways, he takes her out for a spin in her car to create a "mini one-on-one" which is smart, but smarmy. He talks about being a father again. Desiree calls him humble. I'm really questioning her judge of character. The guys see her and Ben pull up and are pissed off.

As soon as she arrives, the party really gets kicked off with all the pool antics you can imagine would happen. So many antics! Dan brings her one of the pizza boxes from craft services and writes, "Will you be my girlfriend, or is this too cheesy?" on the box. The answer, Oatmeal, is yes. It is.

Mikey is really bent out of shape about Ben lying to all the guys about having alone time with Desiree. He is juiced up and pissed off. Ben defends himself by saying "my dating life is private" on a nationally televised show. So, he's cool. "It's called the Bachelorette for a reason. It's not called Let's Make Friends."

Brandon takes his time alone with Desiree to be very aggressive and tell her that he will never hurt and that he is FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. THEN THEY HAVE THEIR FIRST KISS. SO. THAT'S REAL. Oh, he is not stable. "She just consumes my mind. There's nothing else to think about except how perfect and meant to be we really are," which are words a sane and stable person would declare about a girl he met two weeks ago??????????

Now that everyone has changed out of cool, chill-vibe pool gear, the rose ceremony begins. Desiree calls Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Brooks, Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael G, Mikey, and last is Ben.

Brandon is shell shocked. Dan is sad but like, he'll be fine. He handles the rejection with grace. But Brandon can't believe what's happened. He is not taking this well. After they say a short good-bye, Desiree pulls him aside to give him a well and proper explanation. Brandon repeats that he's in love with her, so he's going to regret that and also never be able to get over it.

"Once again, someone left me," he mutters, "Yeah way to go Brandon." I feel so bad for him. I know he's easy to make fun of, but he has some serious emotional issues that he should work through with a trained psychiatrist so he can lead a healthy, stable life without abandonment issues. "I can't even cry. There are no tears left"

Oh boy, I wish him well. But I'm excited for next week as the traveling begins in exotic Atlantic City! See you there, y'all.

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Who's ready to get started with the first official group and one-on-one dates of the Season? The first of the episodes where men shall prove themselves as noble and true or vile and there for the wrong reasons.

We kick right off with the first of the one-on-one dates going to Brooks, who I must again insist reminds me SO much of this actor.

The boys hoot and holler at her turquoise Bentley as their jealousy is thoroughly piqued.

“It is crazy to think that this could be my first date with my future wife,” Brooks beams to camera. And I feel like that’s what any first date has the potential to be, so it’s not that crazy, Brooks.

But I guess it’s a good thing he has marriage on the brain because she takes him to a bridal boutique to go wedding dress shopping because that is a very normal and not at all terrifying horror first date for any guy.

He tries on a montage of ugly tuxes before they both land on a tux and dress combo that is very fetching. They look pretty cute together despite how deranged this whole set up is. Brooks has zero clue as to how to tie a bowtie, however.

“I really felt like we were newlyweds!” she tells us, “It’s not supposed to be serious; it’s supposed to be fun.” Yeah, ok.

The main portion of the date takes place on the Hollywood sign for its 90th anniversary. Brooks is pumped up about it. He feels like they are floating on clouds. And I have to admit, a picnic on the “L” of the Hollywood sign is an actually cool date and not just a tacky Bachelorette cool date. They make-out as the sun sets. On the second “L” of the Hollywood sign.

After they turn in their rental clothes, the two lovers get lost in a cutty part of Los Angeles in a Bentley convertible. Brooks is properly “sh*tting” himself. Methinks a plot is afoot!

UM. And then they stop on a bridge where a romantic table for two is set under some chandeliers, but it’s a SHAM. I feel CHEATED. And here’s why: this exact same date setup was used on the ill-fated Bachelor Pad. You can’t just reuse dates, Bachelor! Don’t think we don’t know!

Brooks and Des seem to really like each other. He’s growing on me. They talk about family and love and the divorce of Brooks’ parents. It’s very much a “Cats and the Cradle” story. He cries about his relationship with his father, and now I fully think he’s a great guy. And cute. And looks just like this actor Steve Howey.

What! There’s ANOTHER part to this date? It one Bachelorette cliché after another! It’s a private concert from Andy Grammer! So they do the obligatory awkward dancing to “Keep Your Head Up”. Desiree’s so effortlessly cute though, that she pulls it off. And then they have a very romantic slow dance to “I Choose You”. Des feels like the date was just as wonderful as Brooks does.

The men going on the group date are Dan, Juan Pablo, Zak K, Kasey, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben. “Who’s here for the right reasons?” reads the date card in a rare self-aware moment for the show.

They all put on their best formal tees in either black or bold jewel-tones to meet Des at the Malibu Rocks Winery. And I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe this is real. They are going to be starring in their very own rap video. The men are so jazzed about it. They are just as jazzed that Soulja Boy is the rapper du jour.

Soulja Boy. I’ll let that sink in for a second.

Here are the pearls of wisdom Soulja-Boy imparts to the gentlemen, “You know, I always thought that love was a little bit like hip-hop. You know, you gotta go with the flow.” So, feel free to take that to the bank.

The song is called “For the Right Reasons” which is hilarious. The producer who thought that up deserves a Peabody.

Brandon completely misses the message and says, “You know, she’s not messing around. This isn’t a joke to her, and I’m going to pass whatever test she has.” Chill out, Brandon.

After a free-style rap-off, Soulja Boy selects a few standouts and resigns the rest of the guys to backup dancers.

I hate that they have to take it seriously because this is completely a joke that the producers made for themselves. And they deserve a little comedic relief after watching this bananas show happen to them for years.

The men quickly realize that the song takes turns lightly roasting (toasting?) a few infamous former contestants from the show like Kasey Kahl, Jason Mesnick, that wrestler with anger management issues, etc.

They all go through their respective scenes awkwardly and uncomfortably. I’m embarrassed for them. It is all very hard to watch. Brandon doesn’t even have the luxury of wearing pants.

After an excruciating day of shooting, they wrap and continue onto the cocktail portion of the date.

Zak W. is the first guy to snag Desiree for the coveted alone time. To prove himself a worthwhile guy with more than just acceptable abs, he presents her with an antique journal that’s never been written in. It’s lovely and kind of thoughtful. Huh. He’s turning me around on him. But he still has crazy eyes.

Shockingly, Ben the guy who brought his four-year-old son to meet Des on the first night is kind of a tool. He’s very aggressive and annoying and tucks his sweater into his jeans. He keeps bringing his son back up too. This is unacceptable. Ben asks permission to kiss her. Then he does. I boo. Brandon almost cries.

If we did a drinking game with just the phrase “here for the right reasons” we would all be blackout drunk right now.

Mikey decides to “clear the air” between him and Ben after he swooped in on his alone time with Des. I respect Mikey for being diplomatic about this, but I honestly feel like we’re seeing the beginnings of Tierra 2.0. They do clear the air though and compliment each other’s shoes!

Brandon is still taking everything way too seriously. He has already called Desiree an angel. So he takes his time to tell her all about his tragic life story. He already promises to take care of Des and be a great dad. He has already “fallen in like” with her.

Much to everyone’s chagrin, Ben receives the date rose.

Going on the second one-on-one of the week is Bryden our faithful canine! He is joining Des on a romantic road trip up the California coast.

He is 80% more attractive when the wind whips his stupid front combed hair to the side. They get snacks and play on a beach and laugh and drive and play in an orange grove. In the orange grove, they have a picnic where Bryden doesn’t know what brie is. He is a simple man.

They end up in Ojai for dinner. The dramatic music plays as they pull up to…a hotel resort. A beautiful resort to be sure, but not, like, the splendor of nature dramatic music worthy.

Bryden makes Desiree laugh a lot, and you can tell they are clicking well. He thought ahead enough to bring pictures of the wreck and subsequent injuries from a terrible car crash he survived.

He gets the date rose easily. To celebrate, the two get in a candlelit hot tub! He wants to kiss her real bad and talks awkwardly to fill the silence before doing it. She finally says, “Just kiss me already!” Which is pretty cute and rom-commy of her. I’m not sold on this guy though. He is so simple I wonder if they could really sustain a lifetime of conversations.

All the men at the cocktail party are feeling tense and anxious to get a rose and continue on. Michael G. is nervous to tell her a secret about himself. It’s that he’s diabetic (AND ALSO PROBABLY HE LIKES GUYS). He’s telling her what he feels is a deep, dark secret when BEN walks in.

He steals her away, and everyone’s pissed that he already has a rose and is taking so much time from Des. He is a smooth-talking son of a gun, and I do not trust Ben as far as I could throw him. He’s also maybe one of the least attractive guys there, quickly becoming another average looking guy named Ben that I don’t much care for.

The other guys hate him too. Michael G. confronted him for being a jerk, backed up by his fellow Jets. The rest of the guys continue to gossip about how much he stinks and what a butthead that guy Ben sure is.

Rose Ceremony Time! Everyone without a rose is peeing their little pants!

Here’s the order in which Des calls the men:

James the Guido from Chicago

Kasey Hash Tag

Dan Oatmeal Man

JUAN PABLO MI AMOR (man does she butcher the Spanish she speaks to him)

Brad Who is a Guy

Chris Also a Guy (who are these men?)

Brian the Financial Advisor with a Wonky Eye

Zak W. Crazy Eyed Nudist

Drew Cheekbones Cutie Pie

Mikey The Grown-up Named Mikey

Zak K. the Publisher

Michael G. Trapped in the Closet

And the final rose goes to Brandon. He’s relieved but I am upset! She’s letting go of Will (surprised?) and Nick (who cares?) BUT SHE’S LETTING ROBERT GO! HE’S SO HOT AND CUTE AT THE SAME TIME! HE LOOKS LIKE ERIC VON DETTEN! HE INVENTED THAT SIGN SPINNIGN THING! HE HAS A ONE-EYED DOG! A ONE-EYED DOG, PEOPLE! YOU HOLD ONTO THAT AND YOU DON’T LET THAT GO!

I will officially hold all future decisions she makes to an even higher level of scrutiny than usual. It looks like that’s going to be necessary considering how much she seems to like Ben.

Well that’s that. No more beautiful and cute Robert to look forward to. I guess we’ll just have to rely on each other to get through this one, eh? Hang out with me the rest of the week on twitter @Chasspod, and check in next Wednesday for the requisite dose of dates and drama.

Oh, and in case you hate yourself and want to behold this tragedy that befell music, here is the complete and final video cut for “All the Right Reasons”.

The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

Oh hello there! Welcome! Welcome back to the beautiful event in time and space that is The Bachelorette. I'm very happy to be here, and what's more, I'm happy to be back in your head commenting every move our Lady Desiree and her male suitors make.

Let's jump right in - very edgy starting in with a montage of the season to come and not Chris Harrison saying "Tonight! On the Bachelorette." There are sweeping landscapes and smiles and tears and mystery women and heated meat heads throwing down with their words and fists.

Back in real time, Des pulls up to a brand new Bachelorette pad in a modest Honda Civic. She and Chrarisson tour the new digs (complete with drafting table and bolts of fabric for our little designer!) as Desiree recaps her ill-fated journey to love with Sean Lowe on last season of the Bachelor.

She has already cried twice in this episode. Once when reminding us that she grew up in poverty but her parents love each other a whole lot. And again when remembering being dumped by Sean. She is going to be crying a lot this season methinks.

Then Chris hands her the key to her brand new turquoise Bentley convertible. She goes for a little joy ride to a stupid song that includes the line “I think I love her more than I can understand”. She ends the voice over saying, “I’m ready to put a ring on it.” So there’s that.

Now for a little poolside chat with Chrarrison. She says, again, that she wants real love and compares herself to Cinderella looking for her Prince Charming. And, look, I really liked Desiree last season and am excited about her turn, but I really hate when women constantly align themselves with Princesses from Fairy Tales because a) fantasy world b) helpless maidens aren’t cool they’re helpless c) you shouldn’t want and expect a perfect prince you should want and expect a great MAN.

That being said the dress she is wearing to meet the guys is amazing. It looks like warrior alien armor which is my favorite kind of formalwear aesthetic. And I am just as nervous and excited as she is to watch these men embarrass themselves!

Before the first impressions, we have a few lil video packages about some standout guys. The first guy Bryden is sort of fine and describes his best characteristics as “loyal, kind, sensitive”, so he’s basically just a Labrador.

Next up is William who is one of my Chicago homeboys, and BOY does he embarrass me! He is a banker with an almost empty bookshelf and does bikram yoga by himself. He also walks the streets of Chicago demanding high-fives from unwilling strangers. Oh and he’s also black and points this out about himself so don’t expect to see William for very long.

We pull out a big card next I think in Drew, a dude who “loves his life.” He has a story about the divorce his mom from his alcoholic dad and having to take care of his mentally handicapped sister. He is very good-looking.

Oh hey we’re back in Chicago! I can tell because they use the same stock footage from before. Nick R. is 26 and is a “clothier” which is SO DOUCHEY OH MY GOSH HAHAHAHA. But on a serious note, he is doing important work. Men, go see a tailor. It’s necessary.

WOW BIG TWIST! NICK R. IS ALSO A MAGICIAN! HE DOES SOME MAGIC FOR A VERY LIMITED CROWD AT COMEDY SPORTZ (A GREAT THEATER YOU SHOULD PATRONIZE). HE IS AWFUL, AND I LOVE HIM.

Down in the “hill country” of Texas we meet Zak W. a 31 year-old drilling fluid engineer (wtf?) with crazy eyes who doesn’t like wearing clothes very much.

Robert is 30 going on 21 and is the man who brought people spinning signs into your world. Apparently that’s a thing that was invented and coined and Robert is the guy who did that. He has a baby face but looks great wearing a wetsuit half-way down and HAS A DOG WITH ONE EYE. I see what you’re doing there with that one-eyed dog, and let me tell you Robert, it is working.

Mike R. has a British family and is a dental student. He is oatmeal of a man.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie, yeah! He wakeboards! Speaking of wakeboarding his father left his mother in quite a wake when he left Brandon and his brother at age 5. His mother struggled with addiction, but don’t worry guys! His grandparents showed him an example of a loving relationship. Thank God otherwise he would never be fit to be someone’s life partner.

Ok everybody, strap in. The moment is here. We’re about watch 25 men be really awkward meeting a pretty girl for the first time.

First out of the gate is Drew, our good-looking front runner of the men from those intro packages. They have a cute little moment, and I think our girl is feeling him.

Brooks has long hair and reminds me of this actor. Brad is a boring accountant who brought a wishbone as homage to when Desiree brought wishing pennies for the fountain. Shut up, Brad.

Bryden comes out next and his occupation is listed as “Iraq War Veteran” which isn’t an occupation. Michael G. is a federal prosecutor and strikes me a little bit as the type of guy who might be more excited about spending time with the guys in the mansion than Lady Des.

We are living in a world, folks, where a guy named Kasey can introduce himself by saying, “I’m in social media, and I looked you up and saw all these great hash tags about you. So I’ve got some hash tags of my own.” He giggles his way through some truly stupid hash tags, and I almost end it all right here. Hash tag – Stop it, Kasey.

Will from Chicago demands a high-five from Desiree. And then…And then he says this, “So, because you have the presence of a goddess, I decided to give you the nickname of Athena. Because she’s the goddess of wisdom. And she has outside beauty. And you have that outside beauty.” AND WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON?! That makes no sense and is just WEIRD. He leaves her with the charge of coming up with a nickname for him too because forced nicknames are the best kind of nickname.

We meet a grown man named Mikey and Jonathan a soft-spoken yet sexually aggressive lawyer. Then our good friend Zak W. with the dubious job description and crazy eyes emerges shirtless and spray tanned like a pageant toddler. He spreads his arms and says, “Will you accept these abs?” Des, who has been the picture of grace thus far, just giggles in response.

James is a hair-slicked guido (also repping Chicago) who I actually kind of like on first impression. Larry is a bespectacled ER doctor who very awkwardly forces her to dance and then when he tries to dip her, her heel catches on her train. It’s very uncomfortable to watch.

Nick R. the tailor/magician does a trick to make a rose appear, Zak K. is a burly book publisher in a wee bowtie, and then some real magic happens. A guy clumsily clamors out of the limo and towards Desiree in a full suit of shining armor. His name is Diogo and he is every bit as awkward as you’d hope he would be. Even the guy refusing to wear a shirt thinks the suit of armor is a bit much.

Chris fake proposes but ends up tying his shoe. Mike R. shows up in his dentist coat, but I would like to remind you all that he is but a dental student and should not openly practice dentistry. Robert the sign spinning guy is totally nondescript in his intro but he’s growing on me. Oh, hola Juan Pablo former pro soccer player, cómo estás? He brought her a candy from Venezuela and Desiree cannot handle saying Juan Pablo. I don’t know how to make that easier for her.

Awwww, yeah! Brandon the Adrenaline Junkie/Painting Contractor comes slowly rolling in on a sweet hog! That motorcycle is the only memorable thing about his entrance. Brian is a douche in a (gorgeous) blue velvet sport coat. Micah is a moronic law student who comes out in a gimmicky ugly suit of his. Nick M. wrote a horrible poem and forgot to get his pants hemmed! See Nick R. about those pants! Dan is…a guy? I don’t know; he’s totally blah.

Oh and last but certainly not least is Ben an “entrepreneur” who decided that the best thing for him to do as a FATHER would be to prostitute his young son on national television to sway Desiree with his undeniable cuteness! REAL COOL MOVE, DAD. That trick may have worked on Desiree, but it’s not working so easy on me, guy!

Before the party gets started Chrarrison informs Des that she has the same opportunity that Sean had last go around as far as roses go. So all the roses available are out on the table, and she can give them whenever she wants.

Hash tag Kasey really feels how stiff the competition is. I have to agree. There are some champions among some true horrible goons. Des gives a toast and some advice to “just be yourself” which is the best advice we can ever get, really.

And before anything gets started, Nick R. pops up to get the attention of the crowd for some magic. Kill me now. Oh but wait it’s a hacky hoax to make Des disappear for a few seconds so he can talk to her first.

“Are you a magician full-time?” is the first thing she has to ask him because it’s important to know if you’re dating a MAGICIAN. My respect for him grows though when Brandon interrupts him and he insults him by calling him “pinstripes”. Haha, I know, right, Nick R.? What is this? 2002?!

Dude with the kid actually has a lot in common with Desiree, and they’re hitting it off. They talk about his kid and how they like camping and the outdoors. It seems natural. She gives him the first rose of the night.

Shirtless Zak W. with the crazy eyes is taking this as a serious reality check that maybe he needs to show Des that he’s serious about being there. The rest of the guys also collectively lose their *ish in jealousy and immediately step up the crazy.

Shirtless crazy eyes then does something I think we all predicted in the first five seconds of meeting him. He removes his pants and does a running jump into the pool. That’ll get her…? But it does, you guys, it does get her. She gives Zak W. a rose for jumping in the pool.

Bryden the Iraq War Vet who described himself with the qualities of a dog, talks about how he and his dog are best friends. He gets a rose.

Desiree and I are on the same page that Juan Pablo is one sexy Venezolano. He does tricks with a soccer ball like a trained seal. He’s so hot I really hope she keeps him just to see his face.

Drew is adorably nervous and gets a rose for all the things they have in common. The ER doctor who dipped her is freaking out and it’s still very uncomfortable because he apologizes to her. He’s less attractive than I thought and a little creepy with his intensity.

Jonathan the aggressive lawyer has once again made a “bold move” by getting really drunk and trying to set up a fantasy suite where he is “going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth.” And I hate this guy. I knew this guy in college. This guy is a handsome dirtbag and all around garbage person.

“She didn’t want to go to the fantasy suite. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her,” he slurs. AND THEREIN LIES ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MESSED UP MISOGYNY THAT A PRETTY WOMAN IS OBLIGATED TO DO STUFF WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DEEM HER WORTHY OF YOU.

He tries to take her into his weird makeshift fantasy suite one more time, and she puts her foot down. She sends him right home to the literal applause of the other men.

And now for the rose ceremony! Everyone is nervous because they all feel like they deserve to be there most. But let’s see who Des deems worthy of her heart and helicopter rides.

Those leaving us tonight include: Mike R. the pseudo-British dental student; Diogo the knight in shining armor; Larry the dipping doctor; Micah in the gimmicky suit; Nick R. the tailor/magician; and of course Jonathan the supreme a-hole.

Well there you have it. This journey to love is officially kicked off, and I am as excited as I always am for world travels and drama and hunky men acting like idiots. It looks spectacular and like there will be tears every week from not only Desiree but the guys too.

To those of you returning, you know where to find me. To those just joining the party, recaps go up every Wednesday and you can follow me on Twitter @Chasspod during the rest of the week. See you next week, journeyers!

[heart]BREAKING NEWS: The Bachelorette's Emily Maynard and Jef Holm SPLIT

Love is dead.

Well, their love is dead, at least. As followers of the blog remember, we all spent a significant amount of time together last summer following the trials and tribulations of one Emily Maynard in her quest to find lasting true love in a husband and father for her little girl Ricki.

At the finale, all our hearts swelled as she chose Jef Holm, the hip, formerly Mormon entrepreneur of a fresh water charity (link to it here. because fresh water is the only thing more important that true love) with hair high as the heavens and features like an Elvin Prince.

But now, after a few weeks of hushed rumors that the lovebirds were no longer flocking together, Team Jem has officially released statements confirming our worst fears.

I am a realistic person. I realize that the track record of success in the Bachelor franchise is a terrible, terrible track record. I also acknowledge that the ridiculous circumstances of the show don't exactly lend themselves to preparing couples for a real-world relationship after you've scaled mountains together and had private concerts from EFFING DOLLY PARTON.

But the reason we all watched and rooted for our girl Emily was because they got us to care. We cared about her. And I am so so sad that she has once again come up short. The only thing we can do now is hold our loved ones dear until January rolls around and we can have the same thrilling experience when Sean is our Bachelor.

Click here for the Entertainment Weekly story and official statements from both Emily and Jef.

RIP LOVE. And best of luck to Emily Maynard and her adorable moppet.

The Bachelorette - Men Tell All Recap

     Weeeeeeeee! It’s time for some man gossip and fighting and horrible people getting together in one group! This season had more than a few bad eggs and a few really good eggs too.

Chris Harrison is dapper as ever. My love for this man is profound and deep. I really hope he’s ok going through his divorce while hosting a show about finding love. I will counsel you, Chris! I will sit in an ornate throne and give you advice!

     We kick off with Emily and Chris having a little gab sesh about the highlights of the season. It is all about Ricki. As it should be. But then it quickly turns to profiling the biggest pitfalls of Ryan, Kalon, and poor Humble Doug. It hurts even worse to watch Doug give the mid-breakup kiss once again.

Things are getting off to a slow start as we’re still recapping the season and not down to the nitty gritty yet! But I shouldn’t complain too much because they show some excellent deleted scenes. Emily spilled some wine and swore; Travis and Emily sang Shelly the Egg to bed. I’m peeing my pants. WHAT?!?! TRAVIS! TOO MUCH! Travis is seriously so funny, and I wish they had shown more of his antics.

Arie’s twin (SQUEE) brothers were Disney-channel-style spying on Arie and Emily kissing.

Chris is the absolute worst dancer of all time, and Emily makes a bet with Chrarrison to do the “running man” dance move on the After the Final Rose special…which leads me to believe that she’s happy enough to do the running man. So hopefully the finale won’t end in tragedy as they’re leading us to believe.

Then we get an incredibly dramatic preview of the Bachelor Pad. I’m skipping this. Sorry folks, no energy to recap that hedonistic descent into madness. I will say however that Chris Bukowski is a doucheface of epic proportions. I can’t wait to watch.

    My DVR marks minute 30 when we begin the actual men-telling portion of the men tell all. Oh my gosh, Sean is a dreamboat. He is precious, and the ladies go crazy just at the sound of his name.

Guys, let me be honest right now that recapping this is really difficult because the show itself is a bunch of clips recapping the whole season. Doug was a center for drama; Kalon sucks ass; Ryan is a cocky dweeb with jizz hair whose exit the men celebrate. These are things we know to be true.

We have the maturity conversation with Chris being 25 once again. Chris and Ryan spar a little and actually, Ryan is kind of in the right. What he wants to say is that Chris is easily offended, Ryan has more confidence, and that at the end of the day, maturity didn’t matter because none of them ended up with Emily. These are things we know to be true!

Oh god, I totally forgot about Stevie the party MC you guys. He’s such a dweebus.

We have Kalon up in the hot seat now for the real good stuff. Chris Harrison deals with him in the best way. Basically saying, “You were being an ass and there are better ways to say things than how you say them, you ass.” KALON ISN’T EVEN SORRY FOR SAYING “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m finished.” He has learned nothing from this and never will. Boo hiss.

   Oh my gosh. Sean is a dream man. Here is what he says to Kalon re: baggage, “If you truly want to win a woman’s heart and ultimately find love, you love the woman and embrace every part of her. Part of Emily is Ricki.” Oh my gosh. What a mensch.

                            Ryan is next up on the hot seat.  We recap some of his best and worst moments. My favorite is when he used the word “neat.” Ryan has become a few shades deeper orange and fixed his jizz hair, but still has that terrible Seneca Crane beard. He’s a mess. He just keeps running his mouth and everyone is groaning in agony.  HE FOUND HIS JOURNAL THE OTHER DAY! His journal that he was so excited to maybe finding his wife. And Chris calls bull shit. “That’s poetic and all! But Emily is the Bachelorette! You have to fall in love with her!” and not some random woman.

Straight up: Ryan believes there is no chance whatsoever that he is an arrogant ass.  And Chrarrison puts everyone’s minds at ease that as far as Ryan becoming the next Bachelor, “not gonna happen.” Chris is just basically laughing at Ryan the whole time. I love you, Chrarrison.

It is Chris Bukowski’s turn on the hot seat. I have not missed his eagle beak one bit. He does stand by the fact that he “loved that girl 110%” which is actually okay by me. I don’t dislike the guy for being in love with a girl; I dislike him for having a kind of false arrogance and immaturity. He really isn’t mature enough yet. I think he’s in the middle of growing into the man he’ll become still. I also appreciate that he only has good things to say about Emily and the experience. That’s good of him. But he looks like he’s a real dumbass on the Bachelor Pad so we’ll see how much he really grew.

         Finally (finally, right? This thing has been dragging) we bring Sean up to the hot seat. Dear, wonderful, lovely Sean. I would like to call back the fact that I predicted he’d get really far when he was getting a lot of screen time the first few episodes without having any Emily time. It’s because he’s such a HUNK. A sad hunk. A heartbroken hunk. He’s still in the throes of getting over Emily because this is baby’s first heartbreak. Truly. He’s never had his heart broken before. I will help you mend, Sean-28. I know you have a long list of volunteers, but I am officially submitting my name to that list.

Emily comes on stage! Holy red dress with giant boobs! Tony ran up to hug her. Weird. I feel so bad that she calls out that it’s good to see Sean. He still wants her back! OH GOSH! THE PAIN! Emily opened a lot of eyes to the world of love, apparently. Chris and Sean both thank her for this. This woman is like a superhero.

    OH SHIT! Kalon tries to apologize to Emily and say that he will grow from this experience and she just goes, “And you, my dear, should be a politician because that is the biggest load of bullshit.” She is so awesome. She just tears him up and shuts him down. “I just pray that you find hope in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter.” I love her. High fives for everyone.

It’s bloopers time, bitches! Lots of wind antics blowing things over,the men go streaking through the woods, lots of nakedness, and lots of falling down on Vespas. I laughed a lot, please go to the internet and find the full reel.

Ok, so that wraps up a rather dull Men Tell All for what was a pretty dramatic season. The finale will be dramatic and romantic and full of lone shots of Emily walking and looking pensieve. We’ll see you next SUNDAY for the epic finale of this journey to find real love. PS – Jef said, “I just want to hold her hand ‘til I’m one hundred and ten.” And I cried one perfect, singular tear. FOR LOVE!

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

        By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.

                  Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.

Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.

Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.

           But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.

The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.

The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.

     He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!

He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!

On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.

HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.

    Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.

Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.  He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!

Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.

    The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.

Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.

    A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf

They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.

The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.

     Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.

Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.

Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.

Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.

Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.

  Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!

Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.

Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?

    Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.

Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.

     At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.

Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.

As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.

   I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.

She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.

    Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.

Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.

Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.

Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.

As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.

    We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!

I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.

   They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters.  He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!

In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish!  And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!

   WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!