Timing - Blog Posts

@qibsichan send me this and we both think this is funny because of the timing and she gave me the green light to post this because funny and the timing

I wish I could turn back time.

Confrontation.

Is it better to wait it out to see what happens, or is it better just go outright and ask what's going on? What if the timing isn't right and you just messed everything up? Is it necessary to know right this instance, if nothing is really wrong? Or does the fact that the curiosity is eating at you enough to make you push for an answer? Or maybe it's just a waste of time to bother. Maybe it's all too late and the changes have already been made. And who are you to alter what's already happened?

Walk by faith.

Solace, Or so I think it is. It got to the point where the pressure inside a pot decided to explode. We finally had our conversation, "The Talk." We spent five hours on the phone discussing how we did not communicate with each other.  It was illuminating and comforting on my end, but you remained the same. This makes sense because I was the over-thinker. The emotionally unstable one, you let me know once again that you are in NO position to be in a relationship nor, are you seeking out to be in one. And I got an understanding that our previous flirtation was just a mere made-up imagination. Created by me.

 But... You heard my side of the story and my confusion. and my emotion. You understood me. You answered my questions and for that, you're a great guy. But we know that already, even though I've been friend-zoned again. I oddly feel peace in my heart. And I thank you Lord for that. And I thank you Lord for not allowing me to lose my Best Friend. Although I fully respect his mentality. Deep inside, I have a hopeful feeling that something might happen in the future. But it's in God's Will and not mine. I'm going to remain still. And Appreciate the blessing of still having you in my life. I do pray tho. Once you are ready and your cookie dough turns into amazing cookies. I pray that you wouldn't forget me. I pray that one day, you do miss me when I go off to work. Or you care about my feelings. I pray that one day, you realize how much I love you and I would never stop loving you. I don't judge you for your imperfections but see them as beautiful qualities that make you perfect. I pray that one day I'd be able to experience what it's like to hold your hand and feel the warmth of your arm wrapped around mine. Blessed, Invested, and Raised in the Lord. As of now, I will remain still. I will enjoy our friendship to the end of time. I thank you for not giving up on me. I'd rather swallow my feelings and live in turmoil than live a lifetime of pain, knowing I lost you. So for now, I'll remain your pal. Thank you, Lord, for the many blessing you have given me. Again, Lord, I pray for healing, for stillness and solace. Overall I pray for D, and that one day he receives the answers that he's looking for. The justice he deserves. I pray that you continue using him as your light and that he achieves the shower of blessings that you will give him. So please continue to work on his heart and soften it. Make it receptive and open-minded to anything that gets thrown at him. One last thing, Thank you, Lord, for keeping my heart intact with tape and glue cause you know it's broken.

I've never felt like this... fuck I miss him.

Were keeping distance because were both not ready.

my scars haven't even healed, and i don't think they're going to heal anytime soon.

Hes not ready to be open and trust me

My mind is a constant battle, and even when we were "together", I couldn't mentally handle it.

I'm really not ready, and neither is he, and it fucking sucks because I think he's the one.

ik its only been a short time, but I think I love him.

but it doesnt matter. he's gonna move on soon, but I never will.

"You and i were meant to be, but only in a memory"

- Lauren Duski -Deja Vu

I thought you were the one for me...

I just feel like ill always be stuck. Stuck in the middle of a goodbye. Never feeling that pain, but never feeling that closure. Never feeling the certainty that somethings gone and is never coming back. I will always be frozen in this one time frame. Never wanting less, never having more. Im just stuck.

My sleeve rolled up, but only for a second. I didnt even notice my fresh scars were showing. Suddenly i feel my sleeve being pulled up. Its my "friend". She doesnt know i cut. Only 1 person knows. I just said it was my sisters cat. She didnt buy it. Other people start to join in, asking what really happened. Ive beeen keeping this secret for 2 years, and ill be damned if they find out now.

Eventually, they gave up on asking. That night, i cut a little too deep. A little too far down. My thighs were already covered in blood, so i moved on to my upper arms, so it could be covered with a tshirt. It started rolling up again and the next day, i felt that same terror as someone tried pulling up my sleeve without warning. I couldnt think. I was in a group of about 10 people, and i had a total breakdown. I blacked out, but luckily, my one friend was in that group and told everyone to just leave me alone. Thats why i love her so much. I know she'll always have my back, even though we havent talked about it in a year.

I still think we were meant to be, just not forever.

-My midnight thoughts.