Trauma Is A Bitch - Blog Posts

Personal vent under the cut. Don't expect to understand anything, I needed to settle an argument I've been having with my own brain. Don't worry, everything is ok now...

"Wow, did you see that freak monster hurt that person? God, what a creep... that person's DEFINITELY scarred for life!"

"I did... I hate people like that."

"Oh really? Funny of you to say that because well, y'know... you're kind of like them, aren't you?"

"I'm nothing like them. I wouldn't hurt anyone, let alone to that degree of awful."

"Nothing? You're literally the same category of freak."

"I am no such thing. I don't take advantage of other people. My moral compass is intact. I know how that person they hurt feels, it's happened to me too. I would defend them with my-"

"That person would hate you if they knew the kind of freak you were. You're just like that freak who hurt them."

"We may both be freaks but I-" "So you admit it then?"

"Let me fini-"

"You're just another monster. You may not see it now, but just you wait."

"I made a promise to never-"

"You're just making excuses for yourself."

"No-"

"You should apologize."

"For what? I've done nothing, I've only done is everything to not become a mon-"

"Doesn't matter. Your freaky little existence begs for forgiveness."

"I- I-"

"What? What? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?"

"I'm sor-"

"So you admit you're a monster in need of forgiveness"

"I never sai-"

"You don't deserve it. You may be 'innocent' now, but just you wait... just you wait, little freak."

"I hate how you twist things around. I hate how you manipulate me, telling me things I don't wan't to hear."

"Even if they may be... the truth~?" "IT'S NOT THE TRUTH. YOU'RE JUST HORRIBLE. ALL YOU SAY ARE THINGS TO MAKE ME MISERABLE. HONESTLY, BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, THE MONSTER HERE IS YOU. NOT ME, YOU."

"Sounds like someone's having a hissy fit. Do you hear yourself yelling like a stupid little child?" "BECAUSE IF I DON'T YELL, YOU TALK OVER ME. I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. FROM FREAK TO FREAK, I MAY BE A FUCKING FREAK BUT I WILL UNLEASH HELL AGAINST THE AMORAL, AGAINST THE RANCID CANCER BEINGS RAMPAGING THIS LOVELESS EARTH. I DON'T CARE IF I'M SHOVED INTO A CATEGORY OF FREAK SHARED WITH THESE CANCER BEINGS. I DON'T CARE IF THAT PERSON HATES ME BECAUSE I'M SHOVED INTO THAT BOX. I'M FIGHTING FOR THAT PERSON REGARDLESS. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW WHO I AM. I AM NOT THE MONSTER YOU SAY I AM."

"...heh."

I keep thinking about how Izzy used fiction to cover up his trauma. He knew that he would have to live with his tormentor on the same ship, so he had to pull himself together. The trauma was so strong that the only way to overcome it was to change the version of events in his head. Ed became a shark that Izzy exposed himself to. He certainly doesn't fully believe in it, because he admitted it to Lucius.

This is very personal to me and I completely understand Izzy's suffering.