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*Trigger Warnings: Descriptions of su*c*d*l ideations, harassment, trauma, hospitalizations, breakdowns, triggers, depression, PTSD symptoms.* Sunday, May 28th, 2023 Part 3
12:06pm
That incident with the driver triggered me, so badly to the point where for the next week, it was like I was back with Dad and with my step-dad. I couldn’t separate my past reality with my present one. And, 4 days in, I stopped going to classes. I missed 2 weeks by the time that I almost acted on my su*c*d*al ideations. I stopped myself though, and told my therapist. She suggested I go to an in-patient hospital down the road at Emory, and I took it. But, it made everything worse, and I regretted it.
I went without telling anyone, and I thought the school would handle all necessary communications with my teachers, like they said they would, but they didn’t. I was bitter and sad and angry and numb the moment I stepped out of the hospital after almost a week. Then, I spoke to you and the New York Plan started.
You were the first and only person that I told about the hospital. I thought you would be mad at me, at least I made myself believe that. But, you were the opposite, you were mad at Emory like I was, and after you told me what you went through to try to find me, I thought you were finally starting to understand why I didn’t like it at Emory. You were fiercely protective of me like you always have been, and I knew that my big sister had me.
But then, you called back later that day and said that I should fly out to New York the next day, and for the first time, you scared me. Everything was moving too fast all of a sudden, and me, being where I was, just out of the hospital and so ready to die, I was so ready to come to you, but the logical side of me pumped the brakes so hard and so fast.
Of course, I needed the support, I wanted the support, but there was no way that I could just up and leave, but also, leave and then what? We didn’t talk about that first. I had to think about my college trajectory, how things would change, what I would be risking, what and who I would leave behind. Everything was too much to work out to just leave the next day. I processed and understood that enough to take a pause, which in hindsight, I really commend myself for.
The next 2 weeks were awful. I was breaking down crying almost every night, trying to wrestle with the fact of leaving not just just Emory, but the life that I had staked everything and was failing to maintain. I was losing an already lost battle, but it was just catching up to me. When my professors told me that I either would need to leave or fail my classes, when my therapist was pushing for me to go, when my advisor told me leaving would save my full-ride scholarship. The world decided for me what would be next, and I watched my world shatter. It was heartbreaking and frustrating and so filled to the brim with grief that I was drowning, truly, when I already thought I was. But, there was you and there was Gem.
And even though I had a January deadline to meet and the pressure equaled my sorrow, I knew what to be done. So, I filed the medical leave, and jumped on the plane.
Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7
*Trigger Warnings: Descriptions of harassment, panic attacks, PTSD symptoms, anxiety, threats of physical violence. Mentions of trauma, abuse, bipolar depression, PTSD, anxiety, coping, self deprecating thoughts, dark humor.* Sunday, May 28th, 2023
12:06pm
This is the letter that I wrote to my older (half) sister, before the texts in Part 1 the next day.
Here’s what I said to her:
“Hey Angel… I think it’s time we talk about the distance that we both have experiencing. Honestly, I don’t even know how the distance started, but it’s something that I fell into and followed. I would like to talk when you’re ready because it’s necessary that we do. That we talk about everything for as long as we both need, and that we come into this conversation ready and willing to hear each other out. Just let me know.”
“I was in such a dark place when this all started. I think after looking back on it, that I never took the time to properly explain what happened, what’s been happening…
As you know, I’ve had such an extensive amount of trauma, especially from my supposed father-figures. It was September… I was on a shuttle, trying to get to my rehearsal for dance on a Sunday afternoon. I stepped onto the shuttle, wearing my headphones, listening to the same playlist that I do before I dance. It’s my… ritual, the thing that grounds me, calms me, but also, psyches me up to go. And, that’s the paradoxical thing about having anxiety as well as bipolar depression; you have to calm yourself down in order to build yourself up to feel excited.
In that process, I missed the driver telling everyone to not get on if they were not going to the next stop, which would unfold in our confrontation.
I got on the bus, and when we arrived at the next stop, I didn’t get off the bus, which was odd, but not too unusual… until I noticed the yelling. I took out my earbuds to hear the driver yelling, and it took me a second to realize that he was yelling at me. He was trying to force me off the bus because I apparently wasn’t supposed to be on otherwise.
I was confused, and shocked, and frightened, but I found the courage to ask why. I didn’t know at the time that he had said that he would swing back around to get the people going to main campus. I got frustrated with how he was acting, because we would get there eventually ‘cause the route is continuous, as all bus routes are, but he kept getting more aggressive as he was trying to force me off. His reasoning was, “because he said so”, instead of any semblance of reason. It reached the point where other students were getting on to return home, and that spurred him to park the bus, say that he wasn’t moving until I got off, and threatened to call the police or physically removing me himself. I was panicked, so I did what my mind told me to do in the moment. I made my way off, asked for his name, which was like pulling teeth, and tried to call the office to make a complaint. He drove away, I was officially late to rehearsal, and then, I realized that I had no idea where I was.
My anxiety was building exponentially as I called the transportation office 3 times with no response before I realized there wasn’t going to be, because they are closed on the weekends. I then tried calling all my friends, with cars, to see if they could pick me up to no avail. Then, I had my first panic attack on the curb of a parking lot in an unfamiliar place, while people walked by with odd stares and no concern for me. Then, I tried calling all and any family I could, my mom, you, Camille, and Auntie Roz and Auntie Julie, but no one answered.
Cue my second panic attack.
A friend called me back, I explained the situation, but they couldn’t come get me. So, I made the decision to call an Uber with the last $11 I had. On the drive, my mom called to see what was going on. She responded to the story by saying “Get over it”. Not understanding how triggering it was for me, or caring for how upset or shaken I was. I got out of the Uber, had my third panic attack in 40 minutes, and after, I noticed the time.
Rehearsal was over, and I cried.
I called my professor to apologize and after I explained what happened, he Venmo’d me for the Uber, but that’s where the resolution of the incident stopped. I did end up filing a complaint, and they took my side, but didn’t act on any of the solutions I asked for. After that, well, I spiraled.
Part 1 -- Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7
I remember the pigs at Lacey's pet shop . Pigs eat flowers. I remember in a movie I watched, flowers represented virginity.
Pigs eat flowers
tw: rant and mentions of harassment
Some of the people at my school are awful. There's this one guy who keeps harassing my friend into trying to date him. she and my friends tell him to fuck off, but he never stops. There's another girl who keeps trying to ask a boy out, and he keeps saying no. Once I heard her say, "oH hE acTuaLLY LIkeS mE BuT He'S tOo eMbarraSSEd to SaY No!" for both the first guy mentioned and second girl mentioned, I've seen them make threats to the people they like. One of the first guy's friends said, "If you don't go out with me, then I'll start asking friend 2 to go out with me." You seriously don't know what consent is? No means no, take it as an answer. people like this piss me off so much.
I'm not the type to reblog these but please share as much as you're able to!
speaking up about the abuse from the English VA of Fire Spirit Cookie, Austin Lee Matthews/Amtrax, and their partner. trigger warnings for sexual assault and victim blaming.
Before I take my hiatus if you are on bluesky , I posted a thread of information about the horrible actions I've been facing from voice actor Austin Lee Matthews, voice of Fire Spirit Cookie, and their partner.
if you cannot access the site, essentially, lunarwolly had intentionally AND ADMITTED to stealing my self insert, and then went to my arrested rapist, under the pretense of not believing what happened to me, having them draw it, with sprinklings of victim blaming and playing victim for MONTHS after. I've made posts about him, themoonbunni, in the past, but I'm further pushing this with the knowledge of his boyfriend voicing fire spirit cookie, and having personally worked to silence me.
trigger warnings for stalking, fake-claiming dissociation/ableism sexual assault, harassment, victim blaming, silencing, mocking, character and art theft, and self harm/relapse below
Lorelei, as shown by the thread, has had an uncomfortable attachment to my identity online and even spoken about me before I knew they existed, often disparaging me and harassing and stalking me. Even voicing things about my dissociation to an uncomfortable degree, trying to fake claim.
Trigger warning for sexual assault and rape, and victim blaming.
So we'll start off and show the context. As you can see in the thread, lunarwolly has done varying degrees of copying. For years. Even making my personas feminine of female.
He tried to throw a fit and say he did it first. I owned the hoodie irl. Thus why I used it.
Ok so copying.
Not that bad.
At first.
This was my sona for a good long ass time. The bunny hoodie I owned irl. He can't even use the excuse cuz it's on his throne to buy for him.
And the haircut was MY CUT.
HE WAS JUST ME.
So imagine my shock when this happens
Someone reached out and told me he stole Kirby and I was PISSED. CUZ ITS UGLY AS SHIT
He denied up and down for a long time it was very unintentional.
He planned to steal ALL of my characters.
This is public knowledge.
And I made it so before Austin said
What he did. Now we get to the real fucked shit.
This document is about my arrested and proven rapist. He was let out of jail on the excuse of mental illness.
There's even audio evidence of him threatening harm.
Why do I bring him up? ….well… Lorelei has done this. Lorelei went to my rapist With the knowledge about what happened to me And had them draw the STOLEN COPY of my persona. Imagine how violating that felt.
His response when caught was…..
…not good. To say the least. Even downright victim blaming.
He was confronted by someone, and even tried to brush it off, who then came to me in their disgust.
I literally have a screenshot of him admitting he wanted that drawn, so he also lied about not wanting it to be.
"This person wasn't convicted" They were arrested. Sent to jail. Mugshot and all. Bailed out by their mother. How DIFFICULT is it to convict someone for rape? I was STILL RAPED.
I still have the trauma The seizures I had the bruises from it. This event, seeing the character that represented myself, drawn by my rapist, caused me to relapse.
I'm especially voicing this as someone who's a sexual assault survivor and this is during sexual assault survival awareness month. Because what has happened to me is downright horrible cruel, and unjust. Especially with the recent doxing threat that I've received.
I will absolutely not stand by and let someone voice in a game knowing that they are dating someone who went to my rapist, and they themself tried to silence me behind scenes in a very unprofessional and horrific manner.
This has evidence behind it that cannot be disputed with screenshots showing malicious intent from both angles.
Neither party has reached out to me to have a discussion about this, and I did offer
Austin had the ability to many months ago. I was blocked.
Now that I know that they are voicing in this game after what they've done to me, I will not sit silent.
ESPECIALLY during sexual assault awareness month, knowing that their partner actively went to my rapist after they were arrested and found guilty of what they had done to me. Simply because they don't like me.
I genuinely hate burdening the fandom with such horrible news, while everybody is galavanting and celebrating such a wonderful update that they're excited for. But this is injustice, cruel, and abusive. And I won't stand for it. I've never received an apology for how I've been treated and last night on my straw page I received a vague threat of legal action with gas lighting me telling me that I'm lying.
This implies that I am lying about my assault.
Because their partner went to my abuser.
I want you to let that sink in.
Fact that the release of this is even happening during this kind of month after this happened to me just feels like a slap in the face I do not forgive and I do not forget Especially after being recently threatened with doxing.
And all because I said the words I just want to be left alone
I don't want harassment
I don't want anything cruel to happen to the people involved
I just want to be heard
History with their partner
Austin's personal involvement in this, and why I'm voicing myself, as a victim of this harassment, and these actions were so severe, involving my rapist, that their partner they defend did, I did in fact self harm.
the date of the image that was posted by my rapist and self harm are the exact same for a reason
One final say before I go I want people to understand that I'm not just saying this because I'm upset. This isn't just me being mad. This is a deep form of trauma that I faced at the hands of their partner.
Had Austin not personally been involved, and had I not personally been given this recent doxing threat (which very clearly has intent against me involved with this person because they've always voiced I stole liking bunnies from him for some reason), I wouldn't be making this post.
I want you to put yourself in my shoes for one single moment.
I was brutally sexually assaulted by someone, held hostage in an apartment for one week by them, I had my agency and free will taken from me. The knowledge about what this person had done to me by the point that lunarwolly/bunni had gone to this individual with malicious intent by their own admission, was indeed public knowledge. VASTLY. Wolly already knew about it and was very much talkative about it on their page. They were constantly debating if it even happened to me.
I want you to imagine that the person that doesn't like you online for some very inexplicable reason that you cannot put your finger to, SINCE BEFORE YOU KNEW THEY EXISTED, went to the very person that brutally sexually assaulted you, beat you, starved you, and did very inhumane things against your will to you until they were arrested for what they were doing. Simply because they don't like you on the internet.
And then someone they knew in the industry used their power to try to silence you behind scenes. To tell people to not listen to you. Over PETTY AND VERY EASILY PROVABLY FALSE CLAIMS. I have proven time and time and time and time again that it has been the other way around. FOR YEARS.
The only reason these posts were being made, GENUINELY, was the biased against me because of wolly/bunni. I have dealt with this for Years, since 2021. And I will continue to voice myself until I'm actually heard.
And especially knowing someone in the industry use their power to try to silence me and is now in a video game that has brought me comfort. I won't sit by and be silent.
Austin needs to take accountability.
This is a continually traumatic situation for me. And until I get proper apology and accountability, I would like this to be heard.
If people could voice against a voice actor in genshin, people be able to voice against this one as well.
Invalidating sexual assault, Especially with self-admitted malice, is downright horrible. But using your power in the industry, in voice acting, ANY, to silence that victim? SHAME ON YOU.
That's my final words. If you have any questions you're free to DM me and I may get back to you, but it could take time.
I don't feel comfortable with fire spirit cookie. Not after this. Even knowing he voices in persona 3 has made it very difficult for me to want to play it.
If you have anything to tell me Austin you may message me personally. Because what happened, especially trying to brush it under the rug or act like it didn't, won't fucking fly w me.
She didn’t quit the job. She just slowly stopped showing up in her own body.
Some people won’t believe you until you break. Break anyway, if you need to. You don’t owe anyone your composure.
You're still here
Maybe you still talk about it like it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe you laugh when you tell the story. Maybe you change the details each time, depending on who’s listening. Maybe you say “it was weird” instead of “it was wrong.”
Sometimes, survival looks like contradiction. Like forgetting on purpose. Like trying on different words until one of them feels safe enough to hold.
You don’t owe anyone a neat version of what happened. It was messy. You’re still here. That’s the truth.
They asked if I wanted to file a complaint. I said no I’m trying to stay employed, not enter The Hunger Games.
Okay, I'll just carefully drop you some sketches from Lust's youth and his… internship at the lab.
He doesn't like to talk about that time.
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠ SA UNDER СUT
It's boring with you =)
...
He finally did it.
Gaster (Aka Luster) redesign. I want to make my version of UnderLust darker.
"What are your bad memories, Sans?"
